This Week in Social Justice Warrior-Dom

A look back at the things that utterly OUTRAGED P.C. jihadists (before they forget all about them in just a few days.)

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo__X 

Muslim kid builds clock, gets arrested and is promptly invited to White House

On Monday, Sept. 14 -- just a few days after 9/11, it should probably be noted -- Texas high schooler Ahmed Mohamed decided to bring a homemade clock (shielded inside a metal container, with several wires jutting out of it) to show to his engineering teacher (who, it should also probably be noted, never gave him the assignment.) Per reports, this teacher told Mohamed it was cool and all, but it was probably not a good idea to run around showing the device off to everybody else. Mohamed, who clearly knows how to pick up on social cues, decided to lug the thing into math class, where it began ticking. Since this presumably scared the dogshit out of everyone in the room, Mohamed was questioned and arrested by police, which soon sparked social media OUTRAGE, spurring Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and President of the United States Barack Obama to rush to Mohamed's aid. Following a torrent of articles decrying the incident as indicative of widespread anti-Muslim sentiment, Mohamed wound up receiving tons of dinero from online fundraisers, a litany of scholarship offers and a nice segue to an all-new high school, in addition to becoming an overnight celebrity getting free tours of Silicon Valley and Washington, D.C. While scores of online crusaders continue to rail against perceived xenophobia and zero-tolerance school policies, hardly any of them seem willing to acknowledge that this arrest is far-and-away the best thing that ever happened to the Mohamed family (whose patriarch had several unsuccessful bids for president of Sudan and once tried to sue Koran-burning pastor Terry Jones), with the positive after-effects of the event completely overriding any of the trauma Ahmed may have experienced while briefly detained. Clearly, the kid who was suspended for chewing his Pop-Tart into the shape of a gun is all shades of envious right now. 

The View reveals itself as a bastion of anti-woman sexists who hate healthcare workers

For years and years, the long-running estrogen-fest The View has been one of the most prolific and influential left-wing pop cultural constructs in all of media. Earlier this week, however, two cast members got a taste of their own ideological outrage medicine when Michelle Collins and Joy Behar (who, in the past, has made quite a few jokes about Islamofascism) made a couple of cracks about Miss Colorado Kelly Johnson, who donned indigo nurse scrubs during her ill-fated Miss America bid. After Behar asked why Johnson had a "doctor's stethoscope" around her neck, scores and scores of nursing professionals and nursing professional sympathizers took to Twitter and gave The View a thorough lambasting. Apparently, the #NursesUnited consortium has a lot of clout, as they successfully managed to goad two sponsors -- Johnson & Johnson and Eggland's Best -- into dropping their ads for the program. It's so nice to see healthcare providers coming together to battle against discrimination -- with support from a megalith pharmaceutical company that's been illegally hawking dangerous psychotropic drugs to children for decades and an industry notorious for worker maltreatment, naturally. 

Batman gives up battling the Penguin and the Riddler to fight back against black-hatin’ policemen

Simply having JFK, Jr. in bondage gear beat up dudes dressed like Matthew Lesko just ain't going to cut it for today's comic book readers. A new Batman comic released last week feature the Caped Crusader taking on an entirely new villain -- institutional racism. In the story arc, Bruce Wayne must grapple with his own white privilege after a prejudiced copper shoots a black kid modeled after Michael Brown and Trayvon Martin to death. Of course, the comic conveniently excludes some of the seedier details about the homicide victims - no reason to muddy such a complex, intricate social issue with burdensome facts, right? The recasting of millionaire playboy Bruce Wayne into a morose, guilt-laden racism-enabler is but just the most recent in a long line of non-white-washing of comic book characters, including the transformation of Ms. Marvel into a Muslim, the flip-flopping of the Green Lantern into a homosexual and the complete Neitzschean transvaluation of Archie comics from being almost exclusively about a high school kid trying to bone two chicks simultaneously to being a series in which the titular character has a mixed race baby and gets gunned-down by a zealot who hates the gay folks. 

Doritos announces LGBT Pride chips

Have you ever been chowing down on some greasy, cholesterol-soaked 'tater chips and though to yourself, "you know, I sure do like making my ass fatter with junk food, but by golly, I just wished there was a way to obliquely support the gay rights movement at the same time?" Well, Doritos has answered your inquiry with its all new rainbow-hued chips, a one-and-done novelty product that benefits a nonprofit overseen by a man who once called a gaggle of high-schoolers "pansy asses" for believing in, and I quote, "the bullshit" in the Bible. While the limited-time products aren't nationally available (yet), you can scoop up your own commemorative bag online for just $10. Whether the chips will contain more "trans-fats" to fit the LGBT theme, however, has yet to be publicized. 

The NFL corporate leviathan denounced by sportswriter who works for even larger corporate leviathan

In a scathing article published in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, columnist Michael Cunningham decried the NFL as an "unstoppable" menace for, among other things, bilking taxpayers out of stadium subsidies, hiding data on concussion risks from players, promoting the U.S. Armed Forces at events and being "a government-supported bread-and-circus show meant to distract us from the massive transfer of wealth to the already-wealthy." Strong words indeed, especially coming from a person who literally makes his living off writing about the same evil empire and apparently has no qualms about receiving money for his services from a mass media-and-auto-sales war machine whose annual revenue actually surpasses the NFL by a good $6 billion a year. 

The Atlantic takes on “carceral state” by ignoring two-thirds of U.S. prison population

Earlier this week, The Atlantic unfurled a gargantuan multimedia series titled "The Age of Mass Incarceration," which prominently features the work of Ta-Nehishi Coates. In his miscellaneous articles, Coates repeatedly rails against the 50-year-old work of pioneering social services policy-framer Patrick Moynihan (while simultaneously calling him a covert supporter of affirmative action), gleefully supports reducing sentences even for violent offenders and more or less spends 5,000 words just to say reparations will fix everything. Interestingly enough, in this long-winded diatribe against the "prison state," not once does Mr. Coates or any of his Atlantic brethren mention that African-Americans represent a considerable minority of the U.S. federal prison population; apparently, the other 62 percent of incarcerated America just don't seem to matter, huh?

Racist Muslim assails T.O. on video, media not sure how to handle it

On Sept. 15, probable NFL Hall of Famer Terrell Owens apparently had an altercation outside a Starbucks in Brentwood, California -- an episode which, according to multiple accounts, entailed allegations of tripping and hot beverages to the face. Rather than focus on the possibility that the team-hopping wide receiver who may or may not have attempted to kill himself back in '06 assaulted a man twice, TMZ America has instead latched onto a video recording which shows the allegedly attacked confronting T.O., threatening to "murder" him and describing him as, and I cannot stress just how much this is a direct quote, "a knuckle-running, spear-chucking, monkey-ass looking motherfucker." When grilled by social justice warriors, the man who cursed out T.O. balked at the claims of racism, stating that he was "Middle Eastern, not KKK" and that no matter how much they hated it, saying the dreaded, ghastly, evil and vile "n-word" isn't a crime, while physically assaulting a man with a Pumpkin Spice Latte is. 

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The New FIERY Doritos Locos Tacos from Taco Bell!

More of the same, are something altogether unexpected?

I know what you’re thinking. Does the world REALLY need a third Doritos Locos Tacos, especially one released so soon after the second iteration?

You know, I was skeptical, too. While I was reasonably happy with the original, nacho-cheese-flavored  DLT, I can’t say I was too enamored by the Cool Ranch variation released just a couple of months ago. Upon hearing about this tertiary offering -- the FIERY Doritos Locos Taco -- I had my reservations. Really, what were the odds of Taco Bell merely speckling some chip dust on one of their Volcano Tacos and calling it good enough here? In my estimates, that would be considerably high, indeed.

At this juncture, I suppose elaboration on the DLT phenomenon is pretty much unnecessary. It’s your standard taco, only the shell is shellacked with Doritos flavorings -- really, what more do you need to know about the product than that?

I was quite suspicious of the FIERY DLT, especially since the “FIERY” was in all capital letters, being all ostentatious and shit. Beyond the crimson red shell, there really wasn’t much of an aesthetic difference between this product and the other two -- or really, any other taco, for that matter.

As you can no doubt see, you have two FIERY DLT options. There’s your standard DLT taco -- which comes with beans and/or meat, cheese and lettuce, and the special edition SUPREME FIERY DLT, which has an added smattering of sour cream and tomato chunks on it. It’s also more expensive, by a couple of dimes and nickels, I believe.

The most surprising thing about the new FIERY DLT, I suppose, is that it actually tastes, you know, good. As in, really, really good, and surprisingly distinct for a Taco Bell menu item. As stated earlier, it would have been ridiculously easy for the establishment to just re-coat its famed Volcano Tacos in some Doritos spices, but these newfangled offering actually tastes A LOT different from that other red-shelled, spicy comestible hawked by the eatery.

Of course, the FIERY DLT is a bit spicy, but that’s not what sold me on it. What sold me on it was its surprising, twangy lime taste, which really complemented the other spicy textures on the shell. I’ve never actually tried Fiery Doritos before, so maybe the experience here will be a little less drastic if you’ve tried those snacks before, but I was literally taken aback  (well, no, not really) by the item’s taste. Not only is it the best DLT to hit Taco Bell yet, it really is one of the more unique tasting products on their menu, too.

Long story short? The FIERY Doritos Locos Tacos are pretty freaking great, and you should try one. Or seventeen. After all, this is America, you know…

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The All New Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos - - REVIEWED!

Finally, this otherwise worthless trifle we call “life” has meaning again…

Last spring, Taco Bell gave the Doritos Locos Taco -- a popular Southern California delicacy -- a national release. The outcome was a coast-to-coast phenomenon, with the item going on to become the fastest selling menu offering in the fast food chain’s history.

To commemorate the one-year anniversary of the highly popular hard-shell product, Taco Bell recently unveiled its spiritual “sequel” to the original Doritos Locos Taco - - the all new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco. Much rejoicing…and with it, corresponding bean sauce-stained pants…followed suit.

As a consumer, you may be asking yourself if an item of the like is truly necessary. I mean, it’s not like the product can taste that much unlike its predecessor, right? Well, talk of the like is clearly the Satanic prattle of commie sympathizers; it’s our divine right as Americans to have as many co-branded, probably-unhealthy fusion snack-fast-food abominations as financially feasible, and the only downside to the matter is that there aren’t more Doritos flavor-flavored tacos out there on the market place. If Benny Franklin were alive today, he’d probably be down at the local TB, two-fisting the new DLTs while singing the praises of modern capitalism. Well, that, or complaining about not being able to own slaves anymore, I guess.

The first thing you need to note about the Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco is the packaging. As you can see here, the wrapper scheme is mostly white and blue, indicating a certain “cool” vibe that the marketers behind the item clearly wanted to communicate with would-be consumers.

Additionally of interest is the text printed on the wrappers. There are a lot of “in-your-face” messages scrawled on the packaging, sort of a throwback to the 1990s style of advertising that tried to threaten you into purchasing foodstuffs out of fear of getting your ass kicked. I especially dug all of the hash tags sprinkled liberally around the wrapper. Clearly, this new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco is intended to be something more than a lunch time purchase; it’s truly intended to be the first ever SOCIAL MEDIA TACO, a multimedia experience much more than a dining one. Based on advertising alone, the intent from Taco Bell is clear; you’re not just supposed to EAT the new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco, you’re supposed to TWEET the new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco. But, uh, I would probably still advise NOT taking a picture of yourself naked eating the new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco and uploading it to SnapChat, though.

I suppose that, in some ways, it can be considered environmentally unwise to wrap an already wrapped-in-cardboard foodstuff in a fairly needless second protective barrier, but I disagree, for the most part. The translucent wrapper “clues” you into the contents of the thing you already bought, with the cardboard Doritos Locos Taco holder shining underneath the translucent exterior packaging like an ethereal spirit. It gets you excited for not just a dining experience, but in some manifestations, a spiritual one, as well.

The cardboard taco holders are actually flip-sided, with one side - a dark blue hue - reminding you that you are eating a new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco, while the opposite side - this, a red hued one - informs you that the original Doritos Locos Taco is still available for purchase.

There isn’t much to say about the newfangled Cool Ranch wrapper, other than the fact that it a.) has the name of the product emblazoned upon it, b.) it is mostly azure in appearance, and c.) you can conveniently fit a taco inside it. Courageously artistic, this design choice may not be, but you really can’t fault the thing for it’s functionality, I suppose.

As before, the Bell has granted us two varieties of Doritos Locos Taco; for a smaller fee, you can acquire a standard Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco (pictured here), and for a couple of extra cents, you can obtain a “supreme” version, which in addition to shredded lettuce and cheese, also contains a fair amount of sour cream and diced tomatoes.

As you can see, there’s quite a bit of difference between the two products. What I found most perplexing, however, is that despite the additional contents of the supreme iteration, it’s still very much the same shell size as the standard DLT. It even fits in the same cardboard holder, in something of a minor affront to how physics work. I would probably advise chipping in the extra quarters for the supreme version, if you have to make a choice between the two; hey, a couple of really big tomato chunks are worth it, I say.

As for the shell itself? Unless you have the world’s least impressive Mutant Power, you probably won’t be able to distinguish one of the new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos from a standard taco, unless you are up close against the item and witness the gleaming Cool Ranch speckles that are lined around the top of the taco. Unlike the previous DLT, your hands don’t become as coated in junk food dust as soon as you touch one of the shells, so here’s to the R&D techies at Taco Bell University for remedying the absolute largest complaint anyone could have about the first wave Doritos Locos Taco.

Now, as for how the newfangled DLT tastes? I actually preferred this one quite a bit to the original model. As stated before, the fact that one’s hands don’t turn the same color as a sunburned Oompa Loompa by grazing the product is a major boon, and I think the subtler Cool Ranch taste is much preferable to the kinda’ blunt, super corn-chip taste of the DLT 1.0. As yummy as the product is, however, I was still a little disappointed by the general vibe of the product; yeah, you do get something of a Doritos taste when you bite into one, but beyond that? It’s just a standard taco, with all of the regular taco fix-ins. As a HUGE fan of the Loaded Grillers released earlier this year, I was anticipating a little more innovation from the almighty Bell, and while the new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco didn’t leave me unsatisfied to any large degree, I still would’ve liked to have seen TB take this gimmick to the next level. How about throwing in some Fritos-flavored croutons or any awesome, proprietary guacamole sauce next time around, guys?

That said, the stuff, as expected, is pretty edible, filling, and worth at least one taste-test. Will the Cool Ranch new breed set the world afire the same way the first round of Doritos Locos Tacos did? Eh, probably not, but if you have a hankering for something grossly-tantalizing at 2 in the morning, it’s an ever-present option, I suppose…

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Taco Bell’s New Loaded Grillers Review!

Ever wondered what it would be like to eat a Hot Pocket stuffed with tater tots and sour cream? Apparently, Taco Bell got your memo…

One of the great, unreported tragedies of 2012 was Taco Bell’s ill-advised decision to discontinue the half pound cheesy bean and rice burrito. For broke-ass college kids across America, that value-priced offering was the equivalent of a 1-up mushroom from “Super Mario” - you could be on the verge of death, and with about two bucks in change, you could be rescued from the clutches of starvation via a flour tortilla and at least six or seven ounces of melted cheddar. It saved my half-famished derrière on numerous occasions, and with it officially axed from the line-up, I was almost ready to begin a nationwide boycott.

I never, ever send in consumer complaints, but by golly, as soon as I found out that the half pound cheesy bean and rice burrito was no mas, I sure as heck did. And apparently, so did every other American in the 18-34 age range, because Taco Bell was super-quick to trot out a new line-up of value-priced, oversized burritos, called “Loaded Grillers.”

The more I think about it, the more I think that these “Loaded Grillers” are the most criminally insane (but genius) ideas ever trotted out by a fast food organization. The basic concept of the items is relatively simple: “Hey, you know how people go to places like T.G.I. Friday’s and Applebee’s, and order appetizers like mini chicken wings and potato wedges?” I imagine the madman/visionary that dreamed up these new burritos pitching to the main menu guy at Bell HQ. “Well,” he must’ve continued, “how about we take all of that shit and dump it into a tortilla, and hawk it for 0.99 cents a piece?”

It’s an idea that’s one part incredibly gross, and one part undeniably appealing. It’s cheap, it’s greasy, it’s oversized, and it you just KNOW it’s going to be filling. It’s such a brazenly stupid idea that it kinda’ turns the corner halfway and starts looking like the marketing strategy of the century - in other words, it appears as if we’ve found ourselves the spiritual successors to our beloved half pound cheesy bean and rice burritos, all right.

To begin with, there are actually three -- count ‘em, THREE -- value-priced burritos being offered here, all of which are modeled after your standard appetizer staples, like chicken wings, tater tots and nachos. And yes, I know that making a nacho-flavored burrito is a little redundant, but if you’re complaining about a chunky, cheese and sauce stuffed burrito for less than a dollar, than you sir, must be a communist.

The price point is absolutely inarguable. For about $7.92, you can pick up eight burritos - you know, the kind of deal that almost makes you think you’re kicking it, 1992 style. Not only is it the products’ strongest selling point, it’s pretty much the products’ ONLY selling point. The tagline for these things might as well be “because they’re cheap and they won’t kill you,” and they would still sell like hotcakes.

Now, I want you to pay REAL CLOSE attention to his menu placard. As you can see, the “Loaded Grillers” are supposed to look like you’re standard burritos - that is, a piece of tortilla with stuff of fluctuating color, texture and smell flowing out of it. Needless to say, the final product I ended up with looked…well, let’s just say, a wee bit different than what I was advertised.

Even though these new items are loaded with more animal byproducts than Revlon’s lipstick factory, I simply HAD to give these things a taste-test, anyway. You just know these things will never become a permanent menu item, and truthfully, it’s probably only a matter of time before the FDA cracks down on the Bell for releasing such a gloriously unhealthy product. No shit: when I ordered my burritos, the cashier kept asking me if I really wanted to go through with it. When the check out boy is trying veto your lunchtime decision, you simply KNOW peculiar things are afoot at America’s favorite synthetic Tex-Mex eatery.

Although the contents of the burritos are all fairly different, I think it’s important to note that, as far as externalities go, these things are practically identical. You get a flour-wrap tortilla that’s mildly blackened, to insinuate actually grilling - but come on, this is Taco Bell we’re talking about here. We know better.

So, uh, yeah, the burritos don’t look too much like the items you see on the window cling-ons. I guess the most obvious deviations is that the burritos are of the “closed flap” variety, so no cornucopia of sour cream will ooze out of your meal when unwrap them. I’ve got to say, though, the folks at the local Bell did a bang-up job on sealing these things shut; I’d surmise that prying open King Tut’s sarcophagus with a crowbar would require less effort than completely de-shelling a “Loaded Griller.”

For those of you in need of up-close burrito biopsy images, well, here you go, people. The “Loaded Potato” burrito was far and away my favorite of the bunch, an absolutely scrumptious smorgasbord of nacho cheese, sour cream, tater tots and bacon bits. It sounds gross - and it kinda’ is - but it’s the “homiest” kind of gross you can think of. It’s so simple yet flavorful, and it has a nice, lingering taste that definitely makes it stand out from the 800 quesadilla variations you’ll find on the Taco Bell menu. It’s fantastic, and you need to try one.

The “Spicy Chicken” burrito, however, was a little less thrilling. True to the nomenclature, it was indeed rather spicy, and the goulash of cheese and buffalo sauce - this smoky blend that was sort of like chipotle sauce, only a little less zesty - was quite tasty. The problem is, the chicken tastes like plastic, and it has this weird, way-too-moisturized texture that makes it feel like the meat has been marinating in lukewarm water for a couple of hours. And let’s not even talk about those pathetic little black bean chunks. I mean, seriously, that’s what passes for bean chunks nowadays?

The “Beefy Nacho” burrito was unquestionably my least favorite of the trio. I haven’t tasted Taco Bell beef in well over half a decade, and good lord, was I shocked - SHOCKED, I SAY - by how gross the stuff tasted. I sorta’ take back calling the Taco Bell chicken “plastic” tasting, because I’m at least partially convinced that the Taco Bell beef isn’t made out of normal, god-made animals. If you ask me, chowing down on one of these things is like gulping down a handful of Silica beads, only doused in chili seasoning and cheese sauce. If you’re wondering what those little red things are, they’re supposed to be tortilla strips - and if you’re not mildly concerned by how much the inside of one of these things resembles a diarrheic explosion, heaven help you, son.

So, what to say about the “Loaded Grillers?” Well, one out of three ain’t bad, but all in all, wouldn’t it be much, much better if the Bell was to eliminate the chicken and beef ones and replace both products with a returning half pound cheesy bean and rice burrito? I mean, the savings in inventory costs alone would be worth it, and the revenue brought in from making the potato burrito a full time offering would only sweeten the pot. Your mileage will certainly vary here, but compared to some of the Bell’s previous menu stunts - snack food flavored tacos and wannabe Chipotle’s, anyone? - it’s hard for me to be anything but disappointed in this latest annexation to the Taco Bell lineup.

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My DORITOS LOCOS TACOS Review!

Is the limited time item destined for fast food greatness, or is it a high-concept idea better left in the dorm rooms of Southern Cal?

Earlier this month, Taco Bell made the decision to start selling its line of Doritos Locos Tacos - at one point, a popular, regional-only item in California - as a nationwide menu offering. And if you’re enjoying one of them right now, I think you owe me more than just a bit of gratitude for the opportunity to chow down on one.

Now, I’m not saying that this article I wrote last Thanksgiving was directly responsible for Taco Bell’s decision to “nationalize” the item, but…yeah, it probably was. And if they ever decide to make those beefy crunch, Frito’s-lined burritos a full-time offering? Yeah, you might as well send me a tithe every time you bite it into one from hereon out.

To be honest, the news that Taco Bell had nationalized the item was sort of a shock, as I didn’t know it was a countrywide project until seeing advertisements plastered outside my neighborhood Bell a few weeks ago. Imagine writing “I wish they still made Pepsi Clear” on a message board and ambling into a Safeway the next day and seeing a huge ass display for the discontinued beverage right next to the cash register, and I think that about equals the amount of surprise that coursed through my veins and brain tissue upon noting the myriad Locos Tacos posters and banners taped all around the neighborhood eatery.

I suppose explicating the appeal of the Doritos Locos Tacos may be a hard sell for some. If you’re American, however - and especially if you’re a college-aged male in your early to mid-20s - the majesty of such a menu item is basically inherent. For a couple of decades now, really, really stoned/drunk/fat/stoned, drunk and fat college kids have been creating all sorts of bastard amalgamations of junk food, cramming them together in bizarre permutations like Dr. Frankenstein, pending Dr. Frankenstein dropped out of med school to watch “Dragon Ball Z” re-runs for four years on a general education scholarship.

The Doritos Locos Taco Legend began, I suppose, in the dorm rooms of Southern California, where munchies-craving trust fund babies got a dual hankering for both microwaved tacos AND super-salty corn chips shaped like nachos, and lo and behold…history was made. The logistics of how the first Doritos Taco came about however, is something that still leaves me a bit puzzled. Granted, I’ve seen some pretty huge nacho chips in my day, but one would have to uncover at least two gargantuan, once-in-a-life-time, freakishly over-sized chips for the idea of a “Doritos Taco” to even become a feasible consideration. There HAS to be some amazing story there, I am most certain. 

Alas, I guess the really, really big picture behind the nationalization of the Doritos Locos Tacos is that it means corporate America has officially hopped on the Gen Y bandwagon and started catering/pandering to us like some straight up food pimps or something. I guess you can say that Taco Bell is on the cutting edge when it comes to incorporating “user generated” foods on its real-life menu, which isn’t too surprising, since Taco Bell is just about every dope-head and career slacker’s favorite fast food haunt by far. I suppose one could say that it’s cultural co-option of the pettiest kind - essentially, finding a way to turn a profit through LEGAL fusion of already incredibly unhealthy junk food - in effect here, but you know what I say to that? WHY DO YOU HATE AMERICA, YOU COMMIE PINKO? Well, that, or it’s a pretty sound strategy, from a business standpoint. Since families these days are too dadgum broke to take the kids out  to eat (and all of those highfalutin, holier than thou neo-yuppies - think: your older brother and sister - avoid fast food because they’re all about veganism and freeganism and all that other post-Occupy nonsense that doesn’t mean anything to anybody), why not turn the DIY, hyper-ironic, food-obsessed youth culture into your target audience? They don’t have children, they haven’t declared bankruptcy (yet) and they really don’t give two inklings of a damn whether or not the high-fat, high-sodium gunk is going to turn them into footless dialysis users in 20 years time. All in all, I’d say that makes the Doritos Locos Tacos - a mishmash of corporate synergy AND pandering to the lowest common denominator (with a bit of youth exploitation thrown into the mix) - arguably the single most democratic thing a fast food business has ever done. 

As for the Doritos Locos Tacos themselves, you may be asking? Well, we actually get two models to choose from: a standard offering, and a supreme version. I guess the primary difference between the two - outside the fact that the supreme iteration will run you about 20 cents more than the regular variation - is that the supreme variety comes loaded with more veggies and sour cream. To some, this may be worth the extra quarter or so that they’re asking for, but in all honesty, it really doesn’t change the flavor or texture of the taco all that much. It’s a definite must-try mutation for completionists, but for the layman or laywoman, I’d advise saving those spare coins for laundry service or something.

To prove once and for all that God himself is opposed to the prospect of Doritos Locos Tacos being released, as soon as I got my bag of newfangled foodstuff home, the freaking electricity went out. Thankfully, daylights saving time was around to give me a little bit of light to do some fast food photography, which not at all masks the fact that I spent a recent evening stuck in my bedroom, eating awesomely gross food in pitch blackness like some sort of B-horror movie subject.

If you are an environmentalist or Eco-conscious person, the Doritos Locos Tacos are no-doubt going to horrify you. In addition to being wrapped in the typical Taco Bell cocoon of waxy paper, these babies also come wedged in a tougher, internal paper casing, which reminds you that, yes, you are indeed eating a Doritos Locos Taco.

You know, sometimes you can just TELL you’re looking at something that’s going to be revered by future generations. The same way New Coke came to “define” the consumer excesses of the Reagan Years, I’m pretty sure a good 10 or so years down the line, we’re going to be watching some special on VH1 with C-list celebrities talking about how amazingly stupid/amazingly great this thing was. Everything about this thing just screams “2012” to me, from the copious use of the term “awesomeness” on the package to the appearance of that now-ubiquitous phone scanner decal on the back of the lining. 

One of the things that STILL shakes me a bit about the item is why it’s called a “Doritos LOCOS Taco.” I’m not really sure why you would need to call it anything other than a “Doritos Taco,” but then again, it does have something of a nice alliteration to it. That, and perhaps it’s the company’s way of issuing the single most subtle mea culpa in business history - I guess what they’re REALLY saying is, to want to try one of these things, you’d pretty much HAVE to be crazy.

Empirically, the items really look like your typical, run of the mill hard shell offerings, until you catch that orange-gleam radiating off the taco. True to the namesake, these things are also guaranteed to give you a good case of the dreaded “Doritos fingers” syndrome, meaning that unless you eat this thing with a fork, you’re going to have orange dust all over your hands, your clothing, and most likely everything within ten feet of you once you’re finished with the meal.

So, the ultimate - and really, the only - question worth asking at this point is whether or not these things are actually any good. Admittedly, I wasn’t a huge fan of the items, primarily because I’m just not that big a fan of Doritos in general. As you can clearly see, you get A WHOLE LOT more stuff inside the shell with the supreme iteration, but don’t let your pupils fool you, because it tastes pretty much the same as the standard taco. While there is definitely a slight “Doritos” taste to the offering, it’s really a whole lot subtler than it probably should be, which is most likely a good thing - I suppose if they went ALL out and dusted the shit out of the shell with nacho powder, it would presumably be so overpowering and dry-mouth inducing that you’d have to dip your head into a bucket immediately afterward to avoid oral desiccation. 

To be honest, I do have some pretty weird culinary tastes. I mean, some really, really weird ones. That said, I think the Doritos Locos Tacos were a bit underwhelming, and something I really wouldn’t advise going out of your way to try…unless you’re like me, which means you hate money and owning a functioning colon.

But, of course…you’re going to try them. You have to, because alike me, you are hopelessly addicted to the tackiness of consumer culture, and since its relatively cheap, it’s a cost-effective means of quelling a night’s hunger pangs. That, and I really don’t think the national response for these things is going to be enough to warrant an encore, so if you want to give it a tryout, I’d surmise that now is probably your only opportunity to do so.

In other words? Yeah, we’re probably not looking at the next McRibwich - or hell, for that matter, the next Pumpkin Spice Latte - with this stuff right here.

In the mood for more fast food fury?

Check out my review of McDonald’s old school Halloween pails RIGHT HERE!

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