Showing posts with label drugs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drugs. Show all posts

Monday, September 3, 2018

The 2018 IIIA State Of The Site Address

The Internet Is In America: 2011-2018?


By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com

Well, here we are, kids — the SEVENTH anniversary of The Internet Is In America

I had no earthly idea this stupid web blog thing I started as a senior class assignment in college (for real) would go on this long, but here we are, still chugging along. 

Obviously, there's been some pretty big changes here at TIIIA over the last year or so. Updates have been a lot more sporadic and a lot of regular features — This Week in Social Justice Warrior-Dom, The Rocktagon Recap, Season In The Abyss, the NFL and NCAA football rankings — have simply fallen to the wayside. That's for a pretty straight-forward reason: because I just don't have the time as one person to run all that shit anymore. 

Trust me, I would LOVE to upload a 3,000-word article with like four or five GIFs in it everyday, but the hard math is just working against me. These days I'm putting in 12 hours a day at work and if I don't start spending more time with my GF, she'll probably leave me for some BBC. That means I've got to make sacrifices, and with time-energy at a premium, when it came time to start cutting corners this here website was first on the chopping block. 

Now, am I really closing shop for good? Eh, probably not. But the unavoidable reality is that I simply can't keep running The Internet Is In America as a regularly updated website without compromising the overall quality of the articles. And I'd much rather run nothing at all than run half-assed bullshit, so ... for the time being ... I'm calling it temporary quits

Of course, I'm not hanging the gloves up for good. I'll be back — probably sooner than later. But the days of TIIIA being a multi-faceted pop culture/social satire site with three or four high quality articles a week or a thing of the past. I mean, unless you fuckers start paying me enough for this thing to constitute  full-time gig, other things in life are going to take priority over me making dick jokes about the UFC, the Raiders and old junk food.

It's been fun, though. I write for about a million different websites and I think out of all of them, this one was the closest to representing how I truly felt about things. I still have a ton of articles I want to write, and I'm sure I'll get around to bringing them here eventually, but the daily slog just makes it an impossibility at the moment. 

It's been pretty rough the last couple of months. I've wanted to bring you folks some material, but it feels like I've just been churning out stuff for the sake of churning stuff out, which was never my M.O. I don't want to turn into some lazy-ass clickbait website, and I said a long time ago I'd never publish stuff just for the hitz. You deserve better, and rather than put out a substandard product, I'd rather shut down the factory until there was enough time to make that product outstanding again.

It sucks, for sure. I'd love to be writing these huge, long-ass articles and essays about sociopolitical issues, and it pains me to think this season, I just won't be able to give you live play-by-play coverage of Raiders games or UFC shows. But by that same token, it gives me something I haven't had in a long time ... an opportunity to simply enjoy things for what they are. I've never been one to take pride in being a spectator alone, but after seven years of producing high grade content on a quasi-daily basis, I need the relaxation

The September-December rush has always been peak time for The Internet Is In America, what, with football season and all the marquee MMA and boxing events and Halloween all happening at the same time. It's been a blast working my ass off to give you articles about UFC PPVs and vegetarian turkey dishes and obscure exploitation horror movies since '11, but guys, I need a fuckin' break. Hell, if I have enough time to reorganize, I might even come roaring back next fall with a full slate of material ... that is, if I get the time

And time is the key variable there. Like I said, I have a LOT of stuff on my professional plate, and simply put, this blog is going to have to take a hit out of sheer financial necessity. That's not to say it's too expensive to operate (because I don't spend any money operating it), it's just that personal economic responsibilities kinda' mean more to me right now that writing essays about Pop-Tarts and Sega Master System games. Yeah, I know ... what a sell-out, huh?

So yeah, all of that to say I'm going to miss writing for TIIIA, but like I said earlier, I'll be back ... eventually.

In the interim, try to enjoy your fall the best you can. May your football team (whoever it may be, unless it's the Chiefs, Broncos or Chargers) not suck, may your Halloween dish of seasonal candies never run out and here's to hoping that La Parka has a couple more great matches before Thanksgiving rolls around. 

I'll be seeing you soon, folks. Now try to enjoy your own lives for a change, why don't you?

Friday, November 17, 2017

CD Review - 'LIE: The Love and Terror Cult' by Charles Manson (1970)

To commemorate the passing of Charles Manson, we take a look back at his one and only studio album.


By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

"You wouldn't know what crazy was if Charles Manson was eating Froot Loops on your front porch."

- Suicidal Tendencies, "You Can't Bring Me Down" (1990)

"So how do you communicate to a whole group of people? You stand up and take the worst fear symbol [swastika] and say 'There, now I've got your fear. Now I've got your fear.' And your fear is your power and your power is your control. I'm your king of this whole planet. I'm gonna rule this whole world."

- Charles Manson, Penny Daniels interview (1989)

By the time you're reading this, Charles Manson will either be dead, or almost dead, or in the final throes of death, or maybe still alive but way closer to being dead than he has at any other point in his life. So while this pseudo-epigraph might be a tad premature, we all know the guy's gonna' kick the bucket much sooner than later, so we might as well start printin' out the obituary notices and get a jump on things.

Ol' Chuck is one of them guys that - in an alternate reality - probably would've been a bigger act than Bob Dylan. Alas, he started taking The White Album a bit too literally, and I think we can all agree - getting your goons to butcher a pregnant woman to death during a "creepy crawl" really isn't the best way to get your name in the papers.

Before you fucks start thinkin' I'm going to give this guy post-mortem praise, the fact of the matter is that Charles Manson was a five-star lunatic, which makes his idolization by acts like System of a Down all the more befuddling. This was a guy who literally thought the Book of Revelation was a secret handbook for starting a race war, who is said to have forced his doped up followers to perform sex acts on their own infants. Lord knows how many horrible things he got away with, and needless to say - this cocksucker's demise shoulda' happened a looooong time ago.

Of course, it's a little weird combing through the Twitter-verse commentary on Manson's (near) death. I've seen this GIF comparing Manson's facial gestures to Donald Trump's hundreds of times by now, as the liberal hive-mind (the unthinking brain in a vat it is) keeps making the same joke over and over about assuming Chucky was trending because Trump gave him a cabinet position (an aside, but the fact these people can't interpret ANYTHING without dragging Trump into the equation seems to smack of a very Manson-like manic obsession, doesn't it?) My favorite comment by far, however, has to be the wise mullings of professional racial grievance peddler Tariq Nasheed, who tweeted why the media never brings up the fact Charles Manson is a "white supremacist." Long story, short Tariq: because he wasn't sentenced to life in prison for being "a white supremacist," he was sentenced to life in prison for ordering his stooges to slaughter six innocent people ... a fact which, as evident by its absence from Tariq's tweet, would seem to suggest the tweeter in question doesn't find sextuple murder anywhere near as immoral or ghastly as thinking black people are generally inferior to white people.

Oh, there's plenty of great Manson-related material on the Web. His interview with Geraldo Rivera is pretty much required viewing come Halloween time, and I'll be goddamned if there isn't a HUGE Wikipedia page outlining what Manson thought "Helter Skelter" was really about. Trust me - this shit right here is WELL worth the read

Alas, as we wait impatiently for Chuck to keel over, perhaps it would serve us well to revisit the music he left behind. Yep, Charlie did indeed record an album, which was released after the 1969 Sharon Tate and company murders. The collection of Charles M. originals was ultimately titled LIE: The Love and Terror Cult, a riff on the famous Life magazine cover which featured him in stark black and white looking like - well, what everybody thinks of when they think about Charles Manson.

Granted, it was a pretty rare little oddity back in the day, but thanks to the magic of Internet uploads, you can no listen to the whole album whenever the hell you want. But assuming you just don't have the 32 minutes in your schedule to listen to the album the whole way through (but, for some reason, you do have the 32 minutes to read this article), I've gone on ahead and given you a track-by-track review and summary of every song included on LIE. So, on this, the precipice of Manson's exit from the mortal coil, have you ever wondered what kinda' aural treats you've been missing out on over the years? Well - wonder no damn more, you morbidly curious motherfuckers, you ...

Now who's ready to boogie!

TRACK 01
"Look at Your Game Girl"

We start the CD off with probably Charles' most famous composition. The song is probably best known for being covered by Axl Rose for The Spaghetti Incident? as a hidden track, and I'm not gonna' lie - I think this is a downright beautiful fuckin' song. It's such a soft and sweet little ballad, that sounds like something you'd hear in the background of a Billy Jack movie. In fact, in high school, I even made a "mix tape" of me singing the song while playing the bongos - if I ever find it, I'll be sure to upload it for ya'll to hear and obsess over.

TRACK 02
"Ego"

"No, it's in the back, no it's in the front," Manson repeats over and over again while violins and a mad bongo beat blares in the background. He also drones on and on about Freud and the subconscious being the "computer" of the brain and naturally, none of this shit makes any sense, but then again, everybody was on acid back then so I guess it was never meant to make any sense in the first place. That said, it's still better than ANYTHING the Beatles ever recorded, and that's an objective fact.

TRACK 03
"Mechanical Man"

"I am a mechanical boy, and I am my mother's toy" - shit, if you thought the last track was opaque, just wait 'til you get a load of this shit. I'm pretty sure everybody on the song was high on crystal meth at the time of the recording. You've got this weird, out of rhythm drum beat going on the whole song, with everybody humming and moaning in unison. And just when you think the cacophony of sitar plucks and idle chatter can't get any weirder - then Chuck starts singing about his pet monkey getting hit by a train and the London Bridge. And in case you're wondering - yes, this is where the lyrics from Marilyn Manson's "My Monkey" come from.

TRACK 04
"People Say I'm No Good"

Another sentimental, downbeat acoustic song in which Charles tries valiantly to play the guitar but, by golly, he just can't figure out how those tricky frets work, it appears. Also, this song is probably exhibit A for what I like to call the "Charlie hum" style of singing, in which every stanza of the song ultimately concludes with the last syllable turning into five-second long hummingbird impersonation. "Those diamond rings, they're all the same," Manson laments - which, yeah, I guess is kinda' true, when you really think about it. "You've got more sicknesses than you've got cures for - cancer of the mind," he concludes the song, after going on a rant against "cough medicine" and "wonder drugs," which is pretty dang hypocritical considering this man's bloodstream is STILL about 65 percent LSD to this very day. But then again, if you're looking for sense out of Charles goddamn fuckin' Manson, you lost the game of life a long time ago.

TRACK 05
"Home is Where You're Happy"

"Home is where you can be what you are," Manson declares, "so burn all your bridges and leave your old life behind ... as long as you've got love in your heart, you'll never be alone." Man, what lovely words from a man who told his drugged-up followers to murder half a dozen people because they wouldn't give him a record contract. I mean, it almost brings a tear to your eye.

TRACK 06
"Arkansas"

This song starts off with Manson's acolytes talking about nondescript "struggles." This one actually has a pretty cool acoustic guitar twang to it - it almost sounds like a Dick Dale song at points, if Dick Dale was a fucking psychotic sex criminal. Anyhoo, the song is about living in abject squalor in, you guessed it - Texas. More "Charlie humming" ensues, so if that ain't your bag, go on ahead and hit SKIP right now.

TRACK 07
"I'll Never Say Never to Always"

We get a creepy as fuck all-female chorus opening the song, with babies crying in the background and there's this eerie echo that sounds like they recorded it out of a bucket 20 feet underground. It's only a couple of seconds long, but shit, is it unnerving.

TRACK 08
"Garbage Dump"

Holy shit, this sounds JUST like a G.G. Allin song - no wonder he wound up covering it. Anyhoo, this is a song that, well, is about a "garbage dump," which is a term that apparently confused Manson, since the chorus is "garbage dump, oh garbage dump, why are you called a garbage dump?" Umm - do you think it's because it's usually a place where people dump their garbage, guy?

TRACK 09
"Don't Do Anything Illegal"

Huh - an ironic title, eh? "Beware of the eagle, in the middle of your back, don't be illegal," Manson begins the track. "They've got you in a sack, and they keep you looking back." So I take it this is an early anti-police song? "Every time I go to the store, I've got to have an I.D. with me so they can see what they want to be," Manson wraps up the song, "I'm free." Man - this is the perfect song to steal cars to so you can convert them into dune buggies in anticipation of the upcoming racial holy war!

TRACK 10
"Slick City"

This is probably the best guitar work on the whole album, which is kinda' like having he highest test score in remedial math, but whatever. The weird thing is that Charles actually does have a semi-decent singing voice, when he's trying to be low key. Alas, he just has to hum-mumble his way through this track, thus turning what could've been a legitimately decent song into one that's just sorta' kinda' alright. You know what Manson really needed? A producer to keep him in line. Can you imagine what sort of A-plus material this dude could've cranked out with Phil Spector calling the shots behind the soundboard? Baby, there aren't enough Grammys in the world for stuff like that. 

TRACK 11
"Cease to Exist"

Yep, this is the infamous Manson song that the Beach Boys pretty much stole and released as "Never Learn Not To Love." It's funny how that one little act of recording industry malfeasance eventually resulted in Chuck becoming a psycho cult maniac. Had they given him his props, who knows? Maybe the asshole actually WOULD have had a real career making and writing music, and Sharon Tate would still be alive today and maybe Roman Polanksi never would've raped all those 14 year-olds and there's an alternate reality where the soundtrack to Ice Pirates was done ENTIRELY by Charles Manson himself. Shit - it really makes you think, don't it?

TRACK 12
"Big Iron Door"

If you like onomatopoeias, you'll love this one. This is Chuck "clang-banging" his way through a tune recounting his earlier forays in the clink. It's also barely a minute long and sounds like it cuts off halfway through. You know - not that it's necessarily a loss or anything like that ... 

TRACK 13
"I Once Knew A Man"

This one has a sorta' Western, classical guitar bent to it. I think there's also somebody blowing into a jug while Manson sings, and there might be a dude drumming on a milk crate somewhere in the background. Alas, something seems like its missing. Oh, I know what this track needed - a nice, long kazoo solo.

TRACK 14
"Eyes of a Dreamer"

"All the songs have been sung," Manson begins the album's concluding track. "And all the saints have been hung." So I guess it's kinda' of an anti-war song, or an anti-corporate song, or an anti-government song, or hell, maybe an anti-capitalism song. "A thing is just a thing, that's a thing," he continues, "it's all in the eyes of the dreamer ... and you are the man." Well ... the fuck if I have any idea what this goof's talking about here.

Your life was like a candle in the wind - a candle that forced drugged up 14-year-olds to have sex with animals.

Well, what more can I say about that? For years, LIE has been one of the most coveted "true crime" albums out there, probably second only to Jim Jones horrifying recording of the night he gave 900 people poisoned Flavor Aid. As far as kooky, way off the beaten path albums go, you'd have a hard time finding anything that manages to out do this in the "dude, that is some fucked up shit" department.

Objectively, you can't really call Manson's music, well, good. This is pretty much the definition of a one-track album - "Look At Your Game Girl" is legitimately, unironically outstanding, but everything else on the album is just sorta' meh, with the last four or five songs pretty much melding into an indistinguishable pile of blandness. You can see that Manson had at least a modicum of musical talent, but the fact of the matter is that even here he was too zonked out of his mind on drugs to be coherent. Had he not started drinking peyote 14 times a day, maybe - just maybe - he COULD'VE gone on to become a real recording star. But, as they sometimes say, that just wasn't how the cookie crumbled; amazing how thin a line there is between somebody becoming Neil Young and becoming a psycho cult leader and unborn child skewerer, huh?

Yeah, it's probably in bad taste to pay money for the CD, even if the royalties never went to Manson or his adherents. Moreover, the music itself really isn't worth paying for, so I'd suggest snagging "Look At Your Game Girl" off the Internets and leaving the rest of the album for others to drudge through (your sins, I paid for, you ungrateful pricks.)

So all that to say? Yes, Charles Manson indeed COULD kinda sorta sing and play the guitar, he made at least one truly great song and now - he's dead as shit. Or getting close to being dead as shit, or at the very least taking considerable strides to being dead as shit. 

Which, regardless, I think we can all agree is long overdue.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

B-Movie Review: 'Blood Freak' (1972)

It may very well be the only pro-Christianity, anti-drug propaganda film ever made featuring exposed breasts and a man-turkey chimera slitting people's throats open. 


By: Jimbo X
@Jimbo__X

I've seen a lot of cheesy, no-budget, schlocky exploitation films over the years and I've seen a lot of really clumsy attempts to persuade the masses into believing all sorts of crazy bullshit via audiovisual agitprop. And while there is often quite a bit of overlap between the two genres of film, I don't think I've ever seen a movie that so perfectly straddles the line between ill-conceived evangelical propaganda and pure-D, degenerate cinema B-movie goodness as much as the hyper-obscure, early '70s Floridian flick Blood Freak.

It's hard to put a finger on what it is, exactly, that makes the Brad F. Grinter-helmed production such a marvelous medley of proselytizin' and sensationalizin'. It has a very clear pro-Christian bent, but at the same time, it's also filled to the brim with blood, sex and enough drugs to kill half of the Saturday Night Live cast circa 1979 a dozen or so times over. Granted, the whole point is to make some sort of oblique anti-drug use message, but the way the "moral" is delivered is just so damned weird. I'm not sure if the filmmakers wanted to make an anti-drug, pro-Jesus movie and then built a werewolf-turkey-vampire-murderer movie around it or they had a werewolf-turkey-vampire-murderer movie already in the can and then decided to inject it with an anti-marijuana, pro-Christianity message, but the entire affair just feels like two completely separate movies forced to split rent with each other, Odd Couple style. I've never seen anything quite like it, and I've spent a good 30 years of my life going out of my way to catch the obscurest celluloid rubbish I could get my hands on - so, trust me, that's saying something

So with Thanksgiving time here again, what better way to celebrate the holiday than with a Nixon era sleaze-fest that maybe five or six people in human history remember? Oh, you just know you want to eat you some mashed potatoes and stuffing to this shit right here...

The film begins with a close-up shot of bubbling red stuff - presumably blood, but you never know, it could be cherry Kool-Aid. After the credits, uh, stop frothing, we're thrown to this one dude who is staring at the camera and smoking a cigarette (it's the director, in case you were wondering.) He's clearly reading the script on the desk as he yammers on and on about finding "some fantastic order" to the random people we bump into, who in turn represent catalysts for major changes in our our own life. Why, we can meet them at the drugstore, buying groceries or even cruising down the Florida turnpike...

...and that's our introduction to Herschell, a big, burly Glenn Danzig looking dude who rides a motorcycle while squealing, shitty guitar rock blares in the background. He eyes a broad in a blue convertible and they decide to meet up at a gas station. From there, they hit up a party where everybody is drinking orange juice and snorting cocaine. A woman immediately offers Herschell a drag of her marijuana cigarette, and then this other chick wearing a lot of red hits on him and compliments him on his "strong arms." But then he tells her he doesn't go for girls who act like tramps and she responds by calling him "a dumb bastard" who doesn't know where it's at. Cue several super up-close shots of people's faces while they roll joints.

The early 1970s: back when women were women and men ... well, they looked like that.

So the chick Herschell picked up gives him a quick bible lesson about the Holy Ghost, while her more "worldly" sister tells her she is full of shit. The narrator returns, lights up a cig and puts Herschell's predicament in context - is he going to go with the conservative girl, or her drug-doing ho of a sibling? Per our narrator, such represents "a game of wits and ego" that paves the way for nightmarish experiences even worse than what he went through in Vietnam.  

This one dude offers Herschell a job at his turkey ranch. The ho sister shows up while Herschell works on a pool pump and she calls him a dumbass for not taking her up on her sexaul advances. She sparks up a jay while he talks about how different she is from her sister. He takes a drag after she calls him a coward for not smoking with her.

They pass the doobie back and forth and start laughing like retards. She takes him to bed and even though he is stoned he keeps asking her why can't she be more like her bible-thumping sister. The narrator jumps back in, stating anybody who could turn down what she was offering is definitely "less of a man than Herschell." Which, uh, I guess means "homosexual," in case you needed the clarification. 

Following an up-close shot of a mystery woman's ass, we get another motorcycle riding montage. Herschell arrives at the turkey farm and literally just gobbles at the livestock for a minute. Then he waltzes into the farm's lab(?!?) where two researchers ask him if he would be a guinea pig for an experimental poultry super-growth formula. Of course, he says "sure, why not" and he chases some turkeys down and he goes back to that one broad's place and out of nowhere, he starts wailing and holding his stomach and stumbling all over the place. She calls some dude in flannel, who shows up with some joints. Herschell smokes it like a crack fiend going through withdrawls and then he beats the shit out of the dealer, saying that because he got him hooked, he owes him a steady supply of free super-weed ... or else he's going to break every bone in his body.

Now that's what I call a peeping Tom ... turkey

Alright, so back to the turkey farm we go. Herschell uncovers an aluminum foil wrapped tray and what do you know, it's a full cooked turkey. He chows down on a leg while the soundtrack explodes into a cacophony of gobbling. Then he stumbles outside, passes out on the lawn and starts convulsing like an epileptic having a seizure. The ranch owner learns the scientists gave him the experimental turkey juice and he decides to do the most humane thing he can - he orders his men to dump Herschell's body in a draining ditch. Hey, it's better than having the po-po sniffing all over the place, aint' it?

Night falls, and a the slutty sister gets attacked on a waterbed by ... well, something with a beak. Whatever it is, its visage was so ghoulish she passes out from horror as soon as she sees it. The assailant rubs paper on her face and leaves. She wakes up and deduces the "thing" is actually Herschell. Hey, lookie here, it's a letter from Herschell, explaining how he just woke up looking like ... that

From here, we start treading into Toxic Avenger territory. "Gosh, Herschell, you sure are ugly," his main squeeze remarks. She asks him if the effects wear off and says she feels guilty about turning him into a were-turkey because ... well, she just does, OK? Needless to say, the acting in this one ain't exactly on par with your usual Merchant Ivory production. 

She continues to kvetch. What would their children look like if the father was some kind of chicken beast? Apparently, it's something she gets over pretty quickly - soon, she dims the lights and all we can here are impassioned gobbling noises and the sound of a woman suggestively moaning.

How this film still didn't become immortalized as a shitty grindcore album cover is simply beyond me. 

She calls her sister and tells her something really, really bad has happened to Herschell. That's our cue for the narrator to pop back up on screen. He speaks in broken up dialogue, a'la William Shatner, about how when things get extremely bad, people usually turn to God as a last resort.

Two hippies show up and we get our first look at Herschell in full-on turkey mode - and it's literally just him wearing a big-assed chicken helmet. He stumbles around the countryside some more and spies in on a drug-doing couple. He kidnaps the woman as she heads to her car. We go back to the hippies and they're smoking grass and arranging some kind of deal for someone to hunt the turkey beast down. And then the titular creature abducts yet another woman. This leads to a scene in which the turkey monster slits a female victim's jugular open with what appears to be a knitting pin so he can drink her blood like it was one of those chocolate geysers at Golden Corral.

A couple in a car help each other shoot up. A woman wearing an American flag tank top gets poked and bled dry, too. This gives us our clearest shot of the turkey mask yet ... and yeah, it still looks pretty ghetto. 

A random old dude gets choked, while the soundtrack deteriorates into a mixture of shrieking violins and metal bell clangs. An overweight woman finds a blood-drained corpse and tackles the turkey-man, only to get stabbed for her efforts. A shirtless dude calls up his supplier and asks him if he can score him some more mega-pot. Turkey-man is still running around, gobbling and killing shit. The drug man comes over and he negotiates payment with his client ... which in this case, entails pimping out the dude's girlfriend.

Yeah - I think I'll stick with the faux turkey meals, fellas.

So the drug dealer tries to rape her, and of course, our turkey-beast shows up and scares him off. He goes outside and turkey man begins his pursuit. The man gets choked out, the were-turkey chucks him on a table and then? He proceeds to cut his fucking leg off with a power saw, and they show every gory second of the dismemberment. (According to IMDB, the actor they used for the scene was a dude who actually had just one leg - so at least these folks are doing their part to promote disability rights, I suppose.)

It's early morning, and the turkey-man is being chased around by the hippie hunter. Then the were-turkey has a hallucination of a real turkey having its head lopped off by a machete ... with people eating its remains with the turkey-man's helmet on the table as a centerpiece!

Herschell, back in human form, is awakened by the ranch owner. He talks about doing drugs back in 'Nam and how he's now addicted to that damn super-marijuana. The rancher tells the scientists their experimenting days are over and done with and he's going to leave Herschell in the care of the bible-thumping sister (who fittingly enough, also happens to work at the local rehab center.) She calls up her sister, and she says Herschell has been hallucinating like crazy and fessed up to feeding him super-pot. So, uh, I take it that means he didn't actually turn into a turkey beast and eat half a dozen or so people?

The rancher explains to the preachy sister that Herschell damn near lost his mind because he was mixing experimental turkey drugs with a highly potent strain of reefer. Herschell then breaks down and begs God to forgive him and help him get off drugs. This segues to our final encounter with the narrator, who says scientists believe the only "universal constant" is change while he sucks down another cancer stick. "But the horrors that occur in the minds of those who allow the indiscriminate use of the human body as a mixing bowl for drugs and chemicals, horrors are as real as the real horror," he warns the viewing audience. This leads to the absolute most hilarious scene in movie history, when he starts coughing his fucking lungs up but apparently somebody forgot to edit it out of the final cut. He then chides us for not heeding warnings about the perils of drug use and, ironically, continues to hack and wheeze like a used dog toy, apparently because he never heeded the warnings on all those damn cigarette packs. And to wrap up the whole shindig, we get ourselves a post-credits scene in which Herschell and one of his gal pals (I honestly can't tell which sister it's supposed to be though) make out on a pier while romantic guitar music plays ... with "the end" dripping off the screen in bloody red font, for some reason.


Yeah, there's not really a whole lot more to be said about Blood Freak and its (non) impact on American culture. Narrator/director Brad F. Grinter would go on to helm two more feature films, Never the Twain and Barely Proper, before he decided this whole filmmaking shtick wasn't his bag. He spent the remainder of his days dicking around in Florida, before he kicked the bucket in 1993.

Steve Hawkes, the guy who played Herschell (yes, the character was named after the auteur/autist behind Blood Feast and The Wizard of Gore), also served as the film's co-writer. Shockingly, he never really made it as an actor, and has spent the bulk of his post-Blood Freak career running some kind of low-rent wild animal refuge in the Sunshine State. As for the rest of the cast, well ... to be perfectly honest with you, they didn't do much of shit. I am as surprised as you are.

As hokey and amateurish as it may be, Blood Freak is one of those movies I can't help but enjoy as a guiltiest of guilty pleasures. There's just something so strangely quaint about it - despite the incredible misguidedness of the whole "come to Jesus" subplot, at the same time, you can't help but be just a little charmed that these guys tried to make an impassioned piece of Christian apologia by way of werewolf-turkey-monster exploitation movie. It sure beats handing out flyers and knocking door to door like Jehovah's Witnesses to spread the gospel, that's for damned sure.

You just knew that - at some point in human history - somebody was going to make a movie about a killer turkey. I suppose we should all be thankful that the first out the gate - yes, decades before that one episode of South Park and that godawful piece of shit ThanksKilling -- that movie came in the form of a bloody, titty-filled horror flick that cost about $200 to make that also doubles as a trojan horse for evangelicalism.

And for that alone, dear readers, we should all remain eternally thankful that Blood Freak - for whatever reason - got made in the first place.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Breaking Bad SUCKS.

Why the program isn’t just merely overrated, but detrimental to U.S. society as a whole. 


One of the old standbys when it comes to anti-censorship rhetoric in the U.S. is the idea that pop culture -- i.e., entertainment such as television, film, music and video games -- doesn’t have a profound psychological impact on viewers, listeners or players.

Funnily, empirical evidence seems to point otherwise.

Perhaps it was just coincidence that James Holmes elected to shoot up a movie theater screening the loud and violent “Dark Knight Rises,” only to identify himself as “The Joker” -- the homicidal, anarchistic pop culture icon whose visage was as commonplace as Barack Obama’s in 2008 -- when police finally ended his dozen-corpse shooting spree two years ago. Similarly, perhaps it is just “coincidence” that Anders Breivik was a fan of the hyper-popular “Call of Duty” games -- so much so, that he said he used the game as a virtual simulator for his unprecedented rampage in 2011 that left 77 individuals dead…not to mention an additional 300 whom were seriously injured or critically wounded. Perhaps we can also chalk up a would-be mass shooter’s plans to decimate his high school in 2013 as “mere coincidence,” despite the fact that said perpetrator intended on carrying out said rampage while music from the infamous “No Russian” level in “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2” played on his iPod. Similarly, the number of “copycat” crimes based on Oliver Stone’s super-overrated 1994 pseudo-opus “Natural Born Killers” is so high, it has it’s own tally sheet on Wikipedia.

Of course, media has very little impact on individual psyches and their personal decision-making, which is exactly why navy recruit numbers skyrocketed after “Top Gun” was released. Nor can that be the reason why, in the wake of made-for-cable “reality” dreck like “Storage Wars,” auction attendance numbers across the U.S. have exploded. And of course, lawyers and judges across the country aren’t complaining about something called “The CSI Effect,” in which “Law and Order”-weaned jurors keep demanding non-existent technologies be used to “solve” actual criminal trials.

When “Breaking Bad” -- the unexpected AMC mega-hit, starring of all people, the dad from “Malcolm in the Middle” -- concluded last fall, it wasn’t just a television event, it was indeed a generation-defining moment. That evening, my apartment complex -- itself, a glorified student housing project -- was literally overflowing with cars. The communal Wi-Fi was lagging, because so many people were on Twitter and Facebook and texting each other back and forth about the final episode. Many acquaintances later told me that the “Series Finale” parties they attended were more densely populated than any sports-centric get-together they had ever seen. The grand finale for the program was a mass cultural experience, something more akin to the Super Bowl or even a Presidential election than just some sliver of pop cultural ephemera.

And of course, I didn’t watch a second of it.

When it comes to modern-day pop culture, I admit that I am something of an aberration. Simply put, I don’t know what the hell’s going on, since I have refused to own a television since 2007 and haven’t turned on my car’s radio since 2009. As such, pretty much all of my pop culture intake comes from Facebook chatter and other Internet-borne phenomena, which I usually ignore until it becomes absolutely impossible to scroll three centimeters up, down, left, or right without being bombarded by massiveness of whatever contemporary pop culture thing is going on at the juncture.

In regards to “Breaking Bad,” I avoided it for quite some time, primarily due to spending my free time doing stupid things like being outside, hanging out with my loved ones and writing about four bajillion things simultaneously instead of watching a non-stop, 12 hour block of TV programming in one sitting like God intended us to do as a species. Alas, my curiosity finally got the best of me, and I decided to skim my way through a couple of episodes. And after all of the nonstop media bombardment, with people endlessly celebrating it as the best thing since sliced bread, you know what my reaction was?

“Well, that’s pretty unremarkable.”

Simply put, “Breaking Bad” -- in my eyes -- sucked as a drama, a television program and a work of fiction. As is, television is pretty much the lowest form of “art” there is -- being the only self-censored media format, designed solely for the sake of unabashed commercialism and all -- but even in a world glutted with “Dance Moms” and “Duck Dynasty,” I found “Breaking Bad” to be especially lackluster.

For years, I was told that “Breaking Bad” was a deep, humanistic work of art, with character portrayals of criminals so real, it felt less like your standard TV tomfoolery and more like a Scorsesian drama -- not that films like “Goodfellas” or “Casino” completely romanticize the mob or anything like that, but alas, such is an aside for a different day. This was, allegedly, a gritty, psychologically rich tale about life after the recession, and how far desperate people are willing to carry on in the face of inevitable destruction. The way the pop cultural wehrmacht posited it, you’d think “Breaking Bad” was scripted by the resurrected corpse of Erich Remarque himself.

Alas, such was not the television program that I saw. Instead, what I saw was a downright pandering, fantastical program that once again glorified criminality as a reasonable way of life and a just response to adversity. Told that “Breaking Bad” was the definitive post-Recession pop culture construct, I was actually offended by what I saw: instead of focusing on the real-life degradation of the American family (and with it, an entire generation’s sense of optimism and belief in self), “Breaking Bad” was a borderline fascistic show that, with the lung cancer skeleton key, completely exonerated its characters from any sort of moralistic retribution for their own doings. Very few television programs I have viewed have had such a nihilistic, and socially destructive, mindset: the main character’s just going to die, anyway, so why not break the law and fuck up the lives of countless others as some sort of bizarre, sociopathic riposte to one’s personal setbacks?

I’ve written dozens of stories about real-life human beings aversely impacted by the Great Recession, and not a single one has been analogous to Walter White -- the meth-cooking, unconscionable protagonist who has since become the unofficial icon of an entire generation. Faced with their own financial doomsday -- and among some, their own impending mortalities -- none of the people I interviewed seemed to port about attitudes as vicious and unprincipled as the “hero” of “Breaking Bad.” Instead of seeking an “easy way out” by getting into illicit trade, the people I’ve seen have worked like crazy in menial labor to support those who they love, and of the people starring into the economic abyss, the ones I have talked to have spoken about entering poverty gracefully; that is, instead of going into despair with an anti-social disposition, they’ve tried to pattern their old ways of life around being poor.

The story of real American life, post-recession, has been one of sacrifice: families taking the deep cuts to support themselves. However, the story of “Breaking Bad” is almost the complete inverse: instead of focusing on a family man who sacrifices his own wants for a greater good, he more or less goes on a rampage, engaging in sundry antisocial behaviors, with the needs of his family serving as a convenient “excuse” for his own sociopathic, criminal behavior.

With all of the corpses piled up on the show, defenders of “Breaking Bad” claim the program doesn’t glamorize the drug trade, to which I call bullshit. At the absolute best, “Breaking Bad” is a program that philosophically argues that extreme conditions (such as financial insolvency and terminal illness) provide one with a moralistic carte blanche, that with self-destruction imminent, the moral guidelines people follow under “normal conditions” no longer apply. “If you suffer an injustice,” the show’s mantra seems to be, “it’s OK to perpetrate more injustices to get back to square one.”

You see this kind of shit all the time. How many rappers, many of whom have been convicted of felonies and/or been the victims of homicide, have cited “Scarface” as an influence? The underlying theme of that film, similar to the theme of “Breaking Bad,” is that if you get wronged or marginalized, it’s completely reasonable to do what most people would call “unconscionable actions” in order to “fix” said problems. How many gangster rappers sing the exact same song and dance? They were born poor, in crappy environments with few educational or occupational opportunities; denied those “legitimate” opportunities by “the man,” is it really that “wrong” if they turn towards criminal enterprises as way of “making it” as others do?

The key “life lesson” in oh so many a gangster rap classic is the same virtue that’s promoted in “Breaking Bad” -- do unto others, as others have done unto you. Note that such is not “as you would like others to do,” as the Golden Rule postulates, but “as other have already treated you.” Everything an individual does, then, is not an action, but a reaction -- not individual choice, but reciprocity stemming from an event the individual has no control over. If “wronged,” in any way, shape, or form, the individual has no moral restrictions on doing whatever it is that he or she believes is necessary to right that perceived injustice. If that sounds familiar to you, it’s because it’s the law of the jungle --  “and the wolf that shall keep it may prosper,” as Rudyard Kipling once penned, “but the wolf that shall break it must die.”

If there was ever a program that so vigorously defended the literally inhuman construct of survival of the fittest, “Breaking Bad” would personify it. Why not turn towards meth-making, and the murderous drug trade, if it meant “survival?” Who cares if you create a monster that destroys the lives of oh-so-many families and relationships, if it’s done solely for the sake of “survival?” Why not turn on your best friends and align yourself with absolute miscreants, if it’s just for “survival?”

Walter White is pretty much the antithesis of what served as a protagonist half a century ago. Whereas the pacifistic, morally-guided Atticus Finch was once deemed the cultural depiction of heroism, the principle-less White has become this generation’s de facto icon. We’ve no time, nor patience, for self-sacrificing, virtue-driven heroics anymore; it’s much more entertaining to watch conscience-less anti-heroes do as they please, with the auger of “past injustices” serving as a universal “justification” for their doings, of course. Resiliency and moral high grounds, it appear, went out with landline phones and “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”

“Breaking Bad,” as such, may not glorify methamphetamine use, per se, but it does something that’s actually far worse: it rationalizes the methamphetamine drug trade as a “just cause” in times of personal tribulation. Throughout the episodes of “Breaking Bad” that I scanned, I wondered about the clientele that Walter poisoned, and if their home lives were anything like the home lives of actual methamphetamine-impacted families that I’ve interviewed over the years.

Were there seven kids in one mobile home, with pink insulation falling out of the ceiling? Were there squalling kindergartners abound, whom lacked the cognitive ability to fully grasp what their daddy’s 20-year-prison sentence actually meant? Were there any 28-year-old kids, with more fingers than teeth, literally foaming out of their mouths due to withdrawal? “Breaking Bad,” you say, is drama, sheer entertainment. I’d highly recommend those same individuals, whom find the program so “enthralling,” actually participate in a Functional Family Therapy session, and watch the decades and decades of loving bonds disintegrate before your very eyes, thanks to the demon of meth addiction. That, my friends, is the TRUE face of methamphetamine, not the guns-blazing, made-for-cable bullshit that “Breaking Bad” represents.

Of course, I’m not going to change anybody’s opinion about the program. After all, it’s just
“entertainment,” you’ll tell me, and nothing more than mock dramatics with an engaging storyline. What’s so bad about a show, after all, that completely trivializes one of the nation’s greatest health epidemics, turning the real-life suffering of hundreds of thousands of families into action-movie bravado? What’s so bad, you’ll tell me, about a show that makes a “hero” out of a character who destroys so many lives with the justification in mind that it’s “OK,” because he too has experienced his own difficulties? What’s so bad, you’ll say, about an entire culture embracing a show so decisively nihilistic, and fascistic, and antipathetic to any and all forms of selflessness?

It’s not like “entertainment” has any impact on culture at large, after all

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Why U.S. Drug Policies Should Be Based on the NES Game “Narc”

Looking for a way to reform how America responds to drug trafficking? A 1990 Nintendo Entertainment System release gives us the perfect solution. 


Among today’s youth culture, the general consensus is that the “War on Drugs” has been a big, fat, racist, ineffective cultural misstep that’s done nothing but drain taxpayer money and ruin the lives of the nation’s urban and rural poor. It’s not drugs themselves that have decimated the nation’s impoverished enclaves, they say, but the institutionalized jihad against drugs that has truly resulted in the plight of so many millions of Americans. Because, as we all know, it’s NOT the fact that meth and crack turn people into slobbering, one-track-minded maniacs with no respect for the social code that’s the problem here -- indeed, legalizing all illicit substances and commoditizing them, the popular thought goes, is what would really remedy our culture’s ills. The generational support of decriminalization of drugs is so widespread, that official language seems to have been co-opted, Orwellian style: take one gander at this suspiciously confrontational Wikipedia entry on Singapore’s incredibly strict drug laws…especially the key reference point at the end, in which the term “drug” appears to have been softened into the kinder, gentler euphemism of “therapeutic goods.”

Call me a bit old-fashioned, but methinks that’s a load of bullshit, and then some. As someone who has actually LIVED amongst the meth and pill-addicted, I can tell you quite sincerely that the rub here ISN’T Johnny Law roughing up rubes, but kinda’ the reality that mind-decimating substances lower the culture’s inhibitions, dissuade them from upholding cultural norms like “having a job” and “being there for their families,” and give the drug addicted and the drug manufacturing a strong incentive to never attempt to alter their lives through legal activities. If you honestly believe this so-called “War on Drugs” is the actual problem, perchance you should take a ride through the foothills of Appalachia, were pill pushers and crank salesmen live in absolutely chaotic squalor, sans impediment from law enforcement whatsoever.

While being in support of tougher drug laws in this day and age makes you slightly less popular than a cross-burning baby seal clubber, I believe it is CRUCIAL that we, as a collective culture, get our respective acts together and address the nation’s ongoing drug epidemic as the serious, criminal blight that it is. For far too long, we’ve prided ourselves on a solutions set that entails the decriminalization of low-level possession, all the while exonerating drug runners from their nebulous behaviors due to “addiction” and “economic isolation.” Well, if you ask me, enough is enough, folks, and it’s time we swung all the way back around and once again got T-O-U-G-H on drugs.

Community-based drug treatments are ineffective shams, and mandatory minimums do precious little to keep the majority of traffickers off the city streets. Clearly, the hyper-liberal solutions AND the hyper-conservative solutions ain’t working, and while the most promising evidence-based drug addiction solutions are unlikely to ever be implemented in the U.S., that’s not to say we can’t get a tad more aggressive in our enforcement policies. And the best part? We already have the perfect template in front of us to reframe the nation’s drug laws; ladies and gentlemen, I present to you “Narc” on the Nintendo Entertainment System.

For the uninitiated, “Narc” began life as a hyper violent, anti-drug-use arcade game, which, ironically, was later remade as a crappy “Grand Theft Auto” clone in the mid 2000s with a strong pro-drug-use message. Of course, the most popular iteration of the title was the NES port, which, while somewhat stylistically different from its arcade inspiration, is a fairly faithful adaptation, nonetheless.

I went back and played “Narc” the other day, and I realized that, within all of that frenzied, 8-bit, button-mashing mayhem, there actually were quite a few policy recommendations to be found throughout the game (which, oddly, was censored by Nintendo to remove ALL references to illicit drugs, despite the game itself being the most blatant anti-drug propaganda this side of “Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue.”)

So, what lessons can we, as a nation still struggling with an ongoing drug problem epidemic, learn from this 25 year old video game? Well, here are four key takeaways from the title that I believe could go a long ways in solving some of America’s contemporary drug addiction and trafficking woes…

Lesson Number One:



To combat America's drug crimes, we need a new breed of cop. A super-cop, if you will...

It's glaringly apparent that today's DEA agents are not equipped with either the right personnel or the legal leeway to get their respective  jobs done. All of that nonsense about "habeas corpus" and "non-lethal" restraint is clearly preventing drug cops from doing what they need to do to keep our cities safe, and in "Narc," we see a downright glorious remedy to the ailment: it's time to create a new kind of cop, with much more jurisdictional power. 

First off, the old DEA agent garb has to go. A black uniform, a couple of batons, and a plastic shield? Please, that's not going to stop the animalistic dope peddlers that clog America's gutters and trailer parks. What we need is what "Narc" envisions, an army of police officers rocking bright pastel hues, wearing motorcycle helmets and doing their job with their bare arms exposed, just as our Founding Fathers wanted. Similarly, those old SWAT vans and cop cars won't suffice here: what we require are bitchin' sports cars, that are the direct color wheel inversion of the uniforms the police personnel wear. I think we can all agree: when crack rock-snorting Captain Planet villains start stacking 200 foot tall pillars all over our bridges, the old cruiser just ain't going to cut it to keep us safe. 

Lesson Number Two:



The way we punish drug criminals in America is far too lenient. Harsher penalties...much harsher penalties...are now called for. 

One of the absolute most important things "Narc" demonstrates is the need to grant greater jurisdictional powers to DEA agents. Currently, the only thing DEA agents are allowed to do is arrest people, which isn't enough by any stretch of the imagination. What we require are cops that have the legal ability to circumvent drug crime the best way they deem fit, and if that includes shooting homeless people with rocket launchers because they won't get out of the way...why not give 'em said abilities? 

Drug criminals, clearly, are among the most dangerous kinds of criminals out there. They walk around the alleyways of our towns and villages, clad in their Beat Poet regalia, launching heroin needles the size of bedposts at random individuals. If you think handing out a cute little citation is going to get them to change their ways, you're just fooling yourself. If we really want to solve the country's drug woes, we've got to follow the lead set by "Narc" -- forget three strikes and you're out, we need to be eyeing "one strike, and you're guts will be splattered all over the sidewalk." 

Lesson Number Three:



By cracking down on drugs, we're also cracking down on various other forms of crime, which are closely tied to the illicit substance trade.

Drugs, like the intangible hand of Satan himself, touch upon virtually every kind of evil that a society must deal with. Take a look at the city streets in "Narc" -- all pot-hole-riddled purgatories, where XXX theaters and liquor stores dot the landscape like cancerous furuncles. And let's not fool ourselves, folks: when drugs get into the equation, even more crimes are sure to follow suit. 

Since the drug trade requires cutthroat opportunists, perhaps its not all that surprising that it attracts those that are already involved in nefarious doings. Take for example, the level in "Narc," in which local drug runners have convinced homicidal, knife-wielding clowns to serve as city watchmen, or the level in which the opening of a marijuana greenhouse leads to a fleet of heavy-artillery-lugging Vietnam veterans moving to town and randomly shooting up anything and everything that moves. As "Narc" clearly demonstrates, the associated risks with the drug trade are too dangerous to ignore: today, it's homeless junkies shooting up next to dumpsters, and tomorrow, the whole damn state will be overrun by pipe bomb-tossing scientists. 

Lesson Number Four:



It's time to go after the heads of drug cartels, no matter how imposing they may appear.  

The ignorant may look at "Narc" and disregard it as hyper-conservative propaganda. Well, know-it-alls, as fate would have it, "Narc" actually concludes with a indictment of big business trafficking as the core of the nation's drug woes. You see, it's not the peddlers and users and traffickers that are most responsible for America's descent from World Superpower to Socialist Dope Smoke Utopia; rather, it's the heads of multinationals, who use their economic clout to mask huge shipments of illicit goods into the hands of American babies. What "Narc" tell us is unmistakable: if you ever want to rid the U.S. of A of its drug problem, you're going to have to relentlessly pursue the heads of the operations. 

Oh, I know: going after such figures may be daunting, especially when you realize that most drug kingpins are eight foot tall "M.O.D.O.K.s" wearing Cuban pimp hats that can shoot fireballs out of their mouths. Even scarier, I suppose, is the game's contention that the Pablo Escobars of the world are actually gigantic skull demons, who can only be killed after being shot one million times with missile launchers. That said, this daunting task is pivotal to combating the drug plight that rots all of the country: and as an economic bonus, we'd also be privy to all of their gold bullions, which always keep locked in a card-protected safe within their inner sanctum.


No one is going to call the "Narc" drug policy plan easy to implement, nor is anyone likely to call it an easy sell for today's drug-weaned masses. However, as violent crime in America continues to plunge, perhaps it's worth a grassroots putsch in peacetime, as the proliferation of new wave drugs that turn people into gangrened lepers slowly make their way into America's quaint villages and towns. 

To some, the "Narc" model may be a bit extreme, but in these times, "extreme" is precisely what we need to turn the tide in the "War on Drugs." Time to decriminalize and focus on rehabilitation, you say? Poppycock, as we all know it's nigh time to once again get tough on crime -- Nintendo-style.