My Trip To Zoo Atlanta!

A Photographic Essay and a Multimedia Extravaganza!

Earlier this year, something downright horrific dawned upon me; it had been 20 years since I last visited Zoo Atlanta. Clearly, this was an oversight that needed rectification as soon as humanly possible, and since there's really not much else to do on Memorial Day, I think a long-long-long-delayed tripped to one of the Southeast's largest zoos was an absolute given. 

So, what did I experience on my first journey to Zoo Atlanta since George H.W. was in office? Well, a lot. In fact, I ended up with damn near half a memory card full of photos and videos, which I wanted to share with you, mostly people that I don't know or never will meet. This multimedia essay isn't exactly a substitute for visiting Zoo Atlanta in person, but if you're one of the unfortunate sorts that will most likely never get an opportunity to visit it, I think this is probably about as comprehensive a tour as anyone could give you. And the absolute best part about this virtual profile of Zoo Atlanta? No freaking lines whatsoever. 

Now, who is ready to get this tour moving? Just remember to hold on to your personal belongings, and please...refrain from feeding the animals (because they are just pictures and videos, so it's really, really stupid to try and shove a carrot through your laptop.) 

Flamingos!

The very first thing you’ll see  after passing through the ticket-taker booth at Zoo Atlanta is the flamingo exhibit. Well, unless you make a sharp turn to the left as soon as you get in, which would make the gift shop (as well as one of those hurricane-simulating arcade machines) your first observation. All in all, I suppose there’s not that much to say about flamingos. Uh, they’re pink and tall? I mean, really tall, probably about four or five feet, max. They - as well as every other animal at the zoo - also have these little plastic cuffs on them…I suppose, in case they escape, so you’ll know where to return them (because if there’s ever a rhinoceros on I-75, there’s so many damned places it could have come from, I imagine.) Not to slight any flamingo-enthusiasts out there, but I wasn’t really too enthralled by what I saw here. Then again, they did put the pen right next to a coffee stand that sells meerkat puppets and super-expensive African-Explorer action figure sets, so perhaps that explains my disinterest. 

Elephants!

One of the really weird things (read: super-OCD) things I noticed while at the zoo was just how dirty all of the animals were. Yeah, I know, that’s a very human-biased observation, but I was just amazed by the amount of dirt these elephants managed to accumulate upon their hides. 

Most of the time, when we think of elephants, we think grey, silver and sort of off-white-ish, right? Well, these things were more or less the same color as rusted copper, and jeez, were they ever wrinkly-looking. Even so, the sheer size of the things was absolutely staggering, and more than made up for any momentary “icks” or “ewws” that I temporarily squeaked out upon viewing them. That, and how could anybody not be enchanted by something that chows down on hay so gosh darn adorably? 

Exotic Birds!

So it’s not exactly a big secret that personnel at zoos are sort of leery of letting patrons get hands-on with the wildlife. Then again, when your business needs money, you’ll take cash grabs anyway you can, and sometimes, that entails letting customers pay $35 bucks to shove lettuce into the mouth of one of the most poisonous animals on the planet. At the exotic bird cage, however, there was an entirely different sort of surcharge going on, and this one will probably result in far less wrongful death suits in the future. For a dollar, you can pick up a honey-covered stick embedded with little pieces of bird feed. After that, you waltz into the aviary, and the sundry winged animals hop on your tongue depressed and eat right out of your hands. And somewhere, there’s an unproduced “Saw” script where a dude gets covered in peanut butter and thrown into one of these pens with coked up hummingbirds, I can just tell…

Warthogs!

One of the things you really have to accept when you enter a zoo is that, for the most part, you’re not going to see much action. As a matter of fact, at my most recent visit, a good 90 percent of the time, the animals on display were either sleeping, just laying there about to go to sleep, or pretending to sleep so all of the patrons would leave them the hell alone. These things were so docile that I’m beginning to wonder if the guys at Zoo Atlanta pump the animals full of sedatives before the place opens, just as an “eff you” to customers. So if you’re heading over here and expecting to see Pumba and Bebop throw down, Animal Face-Off style, you’re going to be sadly disappointed, I am afraid. 

Rhinos!

When you think “rhino,” you just think “awesome,” from underrated Spider-Man villains to former ECW World Heavyweight Champions that cut some of the most insanely graphic promos of all-time. Unfortunately, there was only one rhinoceros on display this Memorial Day, but it was a cool sight, nonetheless. Proving that my foray was indeed a quasi-educational one, I learned that rhinos - and presumably, those other filth-encrusted mammals on display - coat their bodies in mud, gunk, and their own poo because it serves as something of a sun block lotion, as well as a form of insect repellent. So, in other words: if given the opportunity, don’t ever smell a rhino. 

Giraffes, Zebras AND Ostriches!

I’m lumping all of these animals together because Zoo Atlanta lumped all of them together in one pen. You know, that sort of sounds like a recipe for carnage, but apparently, the three disparate creatures seemed to get along quite well, perhaps having that whole “man, doesn't it suck having lions eat us?” shared experience to keep them amalgamated as a peaceful community. First things first - giraffes are HUGE. As in, way, way taller than you’d think they’d be. The same can be said of ostriches, which are easily as tall as most NBA players. Not surprisingly, the zebras looked a lot like horses up close, only more colorful and rocking Mohawks instead of mullets. For a $100 fee, Zoo Atlanta reps allow customers the opportunity to feed the giraffes - although, the buzz killers they are, they WON’T let you attempt to feed them Sour Patch Kids (trust me, I know.) 

Bongos! 

The number one rule in determining whether an event was worth attending or not? You discover something that you didn’t know existed a day prior. And in regards to my Zoo Atlanta trip, I learned that there was an entire genus of mammal out there that, formerly, I didn’t know was an actual animal. Bongos, I suppose, are sort of like gazelles, only fatter, and apparently, WAY lazier. According to the most trusted source in the known universe, bongos are actually a distinct breed of antelope, but like I’m going to forego calling something a “bongo” when I get the chance. I theorize that the name of the musical instrument is derived from their hides (a long time ago, I’m guessing some dudes used their skin as a drum or something), but seeing as how musical bongos actually originate in Cuba…uh, maybe it’s just coincidental? 

Hornbills!

Some people have said that I foster an irrational fear of hummingbirds, but I disagree; a mortal apprehension of hummingbirds as about as rational as selling high and buying low as far as I am concerned. Think about it; those things are essentially flying hypodermic needles, and like super-powered crack addicts in search of their next fix, their thirst for nectar is downright unquenchable. So, encountering this hornbill - essentially, the Brock Lesnar version of the commonplace hummingbird - was sort of like peering into a portal to hell for about five seconds. And with that in mind…sometimes, the world’s a better place AFTER certain species have gone extinct, you know. 

Red Pandas! 

Despite being called “pandas,” red pandas actually have more in common with raccoons than those giant white and black things from China that everybody seems to fawn over. The things are pretty small - imagine, a really, really overweight cat, and you have the proportions and girth about right - but Zoo Atlanta spared no expense in giving this little critters a comfortable habitat. Jeez, how many other forms of wildlife out there do you think get a hammock to monkey around in? 

Lemurs!

Well, I guess that makes it two species that are hammock-worthy, since these lemurs also get a swing to lay and play in, too. The lemurs were perhaps the most vociferous animals I saw that day, who got a wild shouting match started at one point before things, eerily, just sort of trailed off into silence. The crazy thing is, the lemur habitat at Zoo Atlanta is wrapped around this tree house, which is home to dozens and dozens of different animals - albeit, in separate compartmental areas, of course.

I guess there really isn’t too much to say about lemurs, other than their tails are a lot longer than you’d think they’d be. And I’ve never seen any of the “Madagascar” movies, so I had no idea why all the kids there kept referencing it while gawping at the animals. Anybody mind giving me a brief primer on the movie series now? 

All Sorts of Reptiles!

Turtles are EVERYWHERE at Zoo Atlanta. I don’t think you can really move more than 200 feet without coming into contact with a small turtle garden, which dot the environment like trashcans and park benches (and an aside, but sort of worth noting: if you’re ever at Zoo Atlanta, check out the concrete walkways closely - see any semi-secret floral patterns there?) 

So, yeah, as you can see, there are TONS of turtles roaming the place. Turtles with spiky shells (whether or not they were thrown out of the sky by some dude in a cloud, however, I cannot confirm), turtles with really weird looking flat heads, and even turtles named after breakfast goods (pancake turtles were represented in full force; the waffle tortoise, sadly, wasn’t present)…if you have a thing for turtles, then you definitely need to check out Zoo Atlanta if you’re ever in the area. 

But, they weren’t the only reptiles on parade, of course. I’ve always wanted to see a Komodo dragon up close, and at Zoo Atlanta, I got a chance to see two of them; one, a very, very stationary full-grown one, and the other, a juvenile dragon that was really, really intrigued by the blinking red light on my camera. Also, for the low, low price of just $35, you have the opportunity to feed one of these monsters by hand - and in case you’re up for that, just remember: Komodo dragon spit is basically a mini CDC-lab of viruses and bacteria, so…yeah, be sure to wash your hands afterwards. 

And lastly, there were a ton of snakes on display, but very, very few of them in the reptile house seemed to be doing much of anything. I have NO idea which variety this serpent is, but since he(she?) was the only one remotely doing anything active, it became the one I decided to turn into a YouTube celebrity. Any serpent-aficionados out there want to fill me in as to which breed this one is? 

Otters! 

You know, there really isn’t much in this universe of ours that’s cuter than two otters frolicking in a pond. 

There’s not much to add to that statement, other than…goddamn, are these things ever adorable. 

Monkeys of all Sorts! 

Folks, checking out the monkeys at Zoo Atlanta is worth the price of admission alone. Now, I know there are a lot of you out there that think Darwin was full of poop, but just watching people watch the gorillas and orangutans on display was one of the most amazing sociological experiences of my fledgling adulthood. Somehow, people knew which gorilla was the father, which was the mother, and some observers were even affixing entire familial set-ups (one dude was CONVINCED that one of them had to have been the uncle figure) for our primate kin. 

Yeah, yeah, we all know that monkeys and humans are a lot alike, but until you see them up-close, I don’t think you can rally grasp how similar we are to our simian brothers. And I know I sound like a hippie right now, and I don’t care. 

Of course, super-lifelike gorillas weren’t the only monkeys on display. There were a few smaller primates being exhibited, as well as a very large - and awesome - orangutan area. 

And if there was ever a trans-species version of the Ultimate Fighting Championship, my money would be on an orangutan to win at all; I mean, hell, something that flexible with fists that large could wreak more havoc than a runaway wrecking ball if it ever learned jiu-jitsu. So, Jane Goodall…consider yourself on notice. 

Pandas!

Look, I admit to being biased against pandas, but as with the hummingbirds, it’s for a good reason. Pandas are absolute death machines, and if they ever united as a coalition, humanity is doomed. You may think I’m joking, but examine the physical attributes of those things: 400 pounds, agile as all hell, with teeth sharp and strong enough to chew through bamboo. You know, the same things those karate masters make kendo sticks out of, and the same material the Singaporeans use to beat the hell out of American visitors. These things mean business, and pending a spike in population numbers, that business would be our asses as a species. 

Even asleep, these things are horrifying. While active, they’re even more unholy-looking, ambling around with this smug sense of superiority, as if their poo was gold colored (the fact that it is, however, is a non-factor.) People seem to love pandas, and I simply abhor them; however, try standing a good four feet away from one in person, and just tell me that your blood temperature doesn’t drop just a bit being that close to one. And we actually want these abominations to reproduce? Get with the program, planet earth, Get with the freaking program. 

Kangaroos (and For Some Reason, a Goat, too!) 

Kangaroos are downright fantastic creatures, and their travel-sized coffee mugs aren’t too bad either. More so than just about any animal not named a “mongoose,” I was perhaps most pumped about seeing one of these in person than anything else. Apparently, the kangaroos at Zoo Atlanta must have had some gargantuan breakfasts, though, because they weren’t doing shit by the time I came around. 

One of the things that hits you (well, not literally, unless you stand really close to the cage, anyway) is just how large most of the tails are of the animals on display. As domesticated Americans (mostly), when we think tail, we think of something thin, narrow, and short, like with a puppy or a piglet. The kangaroo here had a tail, however, that was about the same size as a fur-covered baseball bat - and if he slapped you with it, I assume that it would hurt just as badly. Not that it reminds me of “Streets of Rage 3” or anything. 

So, the kangaroos, sadly, weren’t as active as I had hoped. That said, I was in store for an unexpected surprise (as opposed to the expected kind of surprises, I suppose) when I entered the petting zoo, where this goat decided to…well, you’ll see. Now, as to how a goat ended up right next to the marsupial section, however…

Lions! 

A zoo without a lion is like a jumbo burrito without guacamole, or an Oakland Raiders game without someone being stabbed in the parking lot. It’s just something you expect, and sort of look forward to, and although Zoo Atlanta had only ONE lion on display, it was still a fairly entertaining sight. 

Well, later on in the day, anyway, because that morning, Mr. Lion was practically comatose. 

We tend to throw out the term “majestic animal” a lot, but when it comes to lions, that title is most certainly applicable and merited, without question. Just watching the thing -with its massive mane and golden eyes and surprisingly slender lower body - patrol the environs was one of those transcendent experiences, where I really felt a connection with nature of sorts. Of course, there was also just a smidge of mortal danger there too, because if that Plexiglas gave way, forget identifying my remains ever. 

Meerkats! 

And of course, we save the absolute best for last. There about a million, bajillion reasons why meerkats and mongooses are my favorite of all animals, and I think these photos and videos explicate about half of them. They’re so cute, and noble, and attentive, and prepared, and socially aware. Whereas most of the other animals were just lounging around at Zoo Atlanta, these meerkats meant business, burrowing and staking out the bushes and even hopping atop logs to scout the waves of humanity passing before them. 

Even though they’re not really indigenous creatures here, I think this is more than enough reason to change our national emblem from the bald eagle to a grey mongoose; if there’s a living thing more glorious than these little buggers here, modern science has yet to discover it. And as such, I think it's only fitting that we let one of these fantastic creatures have the final say for this multimedia essay. 

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Five Things You Need To Know About White Trash

Why America's Rednecks and Hillbillies are a Lot More Knowledgeable than You'd Think

A few years ago, I was eating at a restaurant when a gaggle of impoverished, rural Caucasians came into the building. There were about twenty of them, with probably that many teeth between them all. They looked dirty, and they smelled even worse. Their odor was so horrendous that one of the servers had to start opening windows to let the rank stench out so other patrons could enjoy their meals. They had mullets, and holey shirts, and kids with bare feet. At one point, one of the females whipped her boobies out right there in front of god and everybody so she could breastfeed one of her apparently dozen children. It was like watching feeding time at the zoo, and just about everybody - the staff included - looked on at their ass-backwards ways in sort of a reverse-awe, wondering just how in the hell anybody could look, act and be like that in the 21^st century.

Of course, it’s OK to observe rednecks, hillbillies and trailer trash through such a perspective. Now, if I had said the exact same thing about a family of blacks or Hispanics, I would automatically get labeled as “bigoted,” “racist,” “ignorant,” or “a propagator of intolerance and misunderstanding.” Poor, agrarian white folk, however, seem to be the last sort of peoples in the country we can hee-haw and piss at, the last bastion of cultural enmity for this proud, noble nation of immigrants. We can all hate, belittle and caricaturize the lower-class honkies, and nobody will shame us for it. In fact, not only is mockery and derision of white trash tolerated, it’s practically encouraged by media and our social norms.

That reason alone - the fact that NOBODY else is standing up for them - should give me reason enough to serve as an apologist for the sundry crackers, chalkies and hayseeds across America. However, I feel the need to be defensive about them, first and foremost, because guess what? I am the product of white trash culture myself.

I know what it’s like to grow up in lower-class conditions. I know what it’s like to live in a trailer, and go to snake-handler churches and live amongst meth-heads, moonshiners and political wackos. I’ve been in the fishbowl looking out, and I think I know a thing or five about white trash culture that those snooty, erudite champagne sippers in San Fran and New England don’t.

The reality is, not only are lower-class, uneducated, rural white people more well-versed in philosophical thinking than most people would assume, they may very well have a firmer grasp on certain subjects than all of us highfalutin, college-educated elitists. Don’t believe me? Well, how about we take a look at five very important philosophical notions, and uncover why white trash are the only true experts on the subjects that we have in modern American culture.

SOCIAL DARWINISM

White trash have the absolute keenest take on social Darwinism of any population subset in the United States. Forget all of those Ivy League professors that study eugenics and natural selection, the hoi polli of the hills not only grasp the concept of social Darwinism more than any so-called expert, they’re actually the staunchest defenders of the idea this side of Joey Mengele.

One of the absolute biggest misconceptions about white trash culture is that the white trash themselves are oblivious to their own plight. In reality, the super-impoverished white folk of America know very well how they are perceived by the rest of culture, and not only do most of them recognize their statuses as cultural pariahs, a lot of them even believe that they deserve such castigation. . .based on, hold onto your copies of “The Origin of the Species,” immutable biological traits.

A lot of researchers (past and surprisingly present) view “white trash” as genetic undesirables, a subspecies of peoples biologically dulled over the centuries, from which no amount of external education can completely remedy. The really shocking thing here is that, well, a lot of “white trash” think the exact same thing: not only do they view themselves as genetically deficient, many of them believe that they SHOULD be separated from the general population, based on those biological differences.

You may find it hard to believe, but a lot of hillbillies and crackers choose to live on the fringes of society and refuse to partake of modern culture not because they’re Luddite fundamentalists, but because they don’t want to taint general society with their presence. That restaurant anecdote I wrote about earlier was a real anomaly, the sociological equivalent of a bruin marching out of the wilderness to rummage through our garbage cans, as most white trash feel so disconnected from the rest of modernity that they voluntarily take themselves out of the cultural gene pool altogether. They know they’re the virtual bottom of the food chain, and as such, they take extra precautions to avoid commingling with the so-called higher forms of the species, perhaps the same way gazelles make damn sure they don’t waltz around the stomping grounds of a pride of lions.

Long story short, White Trash America most likely has no idea who Galton or Ehrlich are, but they not only have a strong understanding of the fundamentals of modern social Darwinism, they actually appear to be the greatest proponents of it in the 21^st century.

EASTERN SPIRITUALISM

You would think that in modern American society, the people with the best understanding of Eastern spiritualism would be the highly educated upper crust - you know, all of those academics that sip herbal tea, do yoga, and listen to Yanni, unironically. Well, as it turns out, the absolute deepest Eastern thinker out there just so happen to be the people within the country with the least familiarity with Asian geography - poor, Caucasian rubes.

All in all, poor white trash have more in common with east-Asian Buddhists than they do their like-skinned Anglo-Saxon-Protestants. Proportionally, the socioeconomic standards for hicks and Asian practitioners of Buddhism are quite similar (as in, they’re both extremely, absurdly impoverished), but their social belief systems are what’s really interesting. Ultimately, despite living about as far apart as any two kinds of people can, American hillbillies and contemporary Buddhists have practically the SAME ideologies concerning materialism and earthly existence - although, as far as religious caveats go, for pretty different reasons, obviously.

Real Buddhists - as in, guys that live in Sri Lanka and NOT Richard Gere - tend to eschew material things, because as the noble Buddha once said, “want leads to suffering.” Curiously, the modern hayseed in the U.S. fosters a very, very similar mentality, with the belief that material possession is ultimately “immoral” because material things - i.e., the world around them - is wholly illusory. And as you will soon see, this belief actually has a lot more rooting in Buddhism than Christianity.

For the Buddhist, this world is just one aspect of the universe, this thing that you’re supposed to overcome as a step towards enlightenment. This process, surely, isn’t a very easy one, which is why the first truth of Buddhism - as in, the VERY first goddamn tenet of the religion - is “life is suffering.” Now, the aggregate white trash in the U.S. ALSO believes that this reality is just an interim phase of existence, with our actions in this plane of existence dictating our stature in the next phase of being. Likewise, the spiritual beliefs of the redneck pretty much imply that in order to achieve that enlightenment, one has to withdraw themselves from all worldly things, which is basically a euphemism for “being really, really poor.” As with the Buddhists, the want of bettering your circumstances is a direct slap into the face of the divine order - all that is is as it should be, and rocking the boat in ANY way, shape or form is certain to hinder you in your quest for spiritual advancement in the next round of existence.

And Buddhism isn’t the only form of Eastern spiritualism that shares a LOT of commonalities with the ideology of hillbilly America. Taoism is a spiritual doctrine that implies that there’s NO such thing as free will, that everything that happens was planned out and supposed to occur as part of the fulfillment of some long-in-the-tooth celestial plan that’s so far beyond the comprehension of human understanding that we can’t even fathom imagining such. This perspective is echoed in the idea of God’s Divine Plan, a popular Christian precept that decrees that everything that unfurls is part of a designated system as crafted by the Man Up Stairs - an idea which compels a lot of rednecks to simply accept whatever misfortunes that come their way as the fulfillment of a cosmological schema they have no ability to alter.

NIHILISM

When we talk about “nihilism,” we usually confuse it with existentialism; although there are a lot of similarities between the two ideologies, there’s one BIG discrepancy between the two - existentialism is the subjective belief that everything is functionally purposeless and meaningless, while nihilism is the ABSOLUTE belief that everything is functionally purposeless and meaningless.

Although there are a lot of definitions of what constitutes “nihilism,” it’s quite apparent that ALL of them could be applied as qualifiers for the modern white trash experience, beginning with the rejection of social mores.

Remember that redneck family from the introduction? Well, that’s a clear cut example of a group of people embracing the philosophical ideal of nihilism. Forget all of your erudite professors that claim to be experts on Sartre and Nietzsche, the only kinds of people in the U.S. that are even remotely living out what the elder statesmen of nihilism spake of are the kind of people that have no qualms about making livings off yanking copper out of buildings and trying to engineer cough syrup into crank - your TRUE nihilists don’t sip cognac and listen to industrial music, they sport rat tails and breed roosters for cock fighting tournaments.

Earlier, we talked about how the aggregate white trash views existence as a parade of meaningless distractions - essentially, that the world is nothing more than an obstacle course in order to get to the next phase of being. As a peoples, that means that rednecks and hillbillies have no vested worth in the norms and structures that prop up modern civilization. This leads the aggregate white trash to not only devalue a lot of the social constructs the “normal people” within society held dear - or at least respect/tolerate - they view them as constructs that NEED to be eliminated in order to establish a truly just system. This is where your stereotypes aboutmilitant tax-protestors and paranoid, anti-government rednecks come from - with the surprising notion being that it’s a sentiment born not out of political ideology, but the clear cut refutation of all political ideologies.

A lot of “normies” wonder just how in the hell anyone could live in the squalid conditions that most impoverished hill folk seem to thrive in. Well, it’s pretty apparent that the rednecks of America find little worth in things like the socioeconomic system, nor do they seem to have an ingrained concern about the culture’s judicial framework. Winning five bucks on a lottery scratch-off is really no different to them if they were arrested for stealing hubcaps, the same way robbing a liquor store to make ends meet is no different to them if they received their income from SSI. They have completely rejected the values system that most normal folk consider instrumental to day-to-day life; in other words, they’re the only peoples in the country that have elevated themselves to a point where linguistic meaning no longer carries any sort of tangible, physical weight on their own existences. And yes, such an uncovering probably would make Wittgenstein eat his own shit, in case you were wondering. 

MARXISM

The country’s “experts” on Marxist philosophy may be a bunch of snooty college professors, but there’s no denying that the most knowledgeable people - and adherents - to Marxist doctrine in the U.S. are people that rarely, if ever, get an education outside of high school.

Contemporary white trash culture in America has pretty much eschewed the “Superstructure” Marx spoke of altogether, as they are a peoples sans the influence of government, religion or economy. The Appalachian hoi polli are a segment of the population so distanced from the rest of society that they truly do seem to live outside the margins of our culture. They rarely pay full income tax (and those that do are extremely opposed to the system), and only in extreme circumstances do they rely on government assistance for anything - there were several reports, even, of pissed of whities and chalkies threatening to “blow away” FEMA officials that visited the Mississippi and Alabama Gulf Coast following Hurricane Katrina. Clearly, this is a peoples that is dedicated to them and their own before any sort of federal or state ideology.

While Marx and Engels were writing “The Communist Manifesto,” they were really irked by the whole institutional religion concept, stating that organized religion is a means of controlling the populace and maintaining the social hegemony. While the two were specifically talking about the Catholic Church and nationalized institutions like the Church of England, I think it’s pretty safe to say that they wouldn’t be fans of the Protestant/Baptist/Evangelical institutions established these days, which while accepted by a majority of Americans, are oddly, rejected by a majority of 21^st century white trash.

A lot of people view rednecks and hillbillies as hopelessly religious rubes, a bunch of simple-minded buffoons with beliefs and convictions so ass-backwards and superstitious that you wonder if they even know why lunar eclipses happen. While it is true that most hayseeds and bumpkins are quite religious, the religion they practice really isn’t a religion ordained or institutionalized by anybody else on the planet. “Hillbilly Christianity,” for a lack of a better-term, is really a syncretic religion pasting together something that looks like the New Testament with a ton of paganistic, old-timey folktales and practices, a goulash of Old World, Native American and even South American, Caribbean and African spiritualism. There’s not really a name for what rednecks actually practice, and there is certainly no national organization set up as an ambassadorial or regulatory commission for their practices. While they haven’t completely moved on to a post-institutionalized religious ideology (and most likely, never will), they seem to have moved further away from such than, ironically, the majority of middle class America.

Where things get really interesting, however, is when you compare the economic ideology of white trash with the economic ideology of Marxism. Ultimately, Marx believes that one day, we will achieve such a heightened state of social-welfare that we won’t need the capitalistic system - you know, all that shit about money and possessions and all that jazz - because we’re all so in tuned as a society that we can just share our personal wealth as something of a community chest for everybody around us. Per Marx, this will take some time - hey, breaking down the entire social structure isn’t an over-night task, you know - but the end dividend is supposedly the complete abolition of private wealth and property for the greater good of civilization.

The crazy thing is, the contemporary hillbillies of America have already advanced to Marx’s highest phase of economic being. If you’re wondering how the rubes and hicks of the US are able to survive in the economic downturn - with absolute minimal dependency upon government subsidies - it’s because they’ve, effectively, formed communes with their relatives, kinfolk and neighbors as a means of providing for everyone around them. They share food, and money, and give each other clothing and housing. They work for each other, and do errands for each other, and pretty much exist as a singular state, outside of the economic reality we’re all accustomed to. 

AMERICAN HISTORY

Rednecks, white trash and country bumpkins don’t really have that much vested worth in a lot of social constructs - paying taxes, soap, not being racist, etc. However, one of the few things they do profess a reverence for is their own sense of national history - and as surprising as it may seem, a lot of them not only have a pretty firm grasp of U.S. history, some of them have amongst the most comprehensive knowledge of the nation’s past than any so-called historian you’ve encountered.

White trash, if nothing else, keep insanely detailed accounts of their family history. Granted, most of it is probably unreliable, but the sheer scope of their accounts is mighty damned impressive, whether the information therein is accurate or not.

Most Americans have no clue where they came from. For most of us, our national identities really didn’t start until the middle of the 19^th century, when most of our forerunners migrated to the country - either by choice, or not. For most families in the USA, you’re probably not going to have tangible records of anything prior to World War II - apparently, there was this thing called a “Depression” that happened, and a lot of people just started burning shit (i.e., the scant records laying around detailing their family origins) to stay warm.

While most U.S. citizens have a family heritage of only about 80 or so years, the aggregate white trash can usually trace his or her ancestry back centuries, not only giving you solid accounts of who their first generation migrant progenitors were, but in many cases, detailed accounts of what they did while they were here.

If you’re looking for information on the U.S. Civil War, or the Whiskey Rebellion, or if you’re just wondering what happened to all those Indians, just about any white trash family worth its salt can give you a first-hand account of what went down via oral history. While only a few can provide you with material relics of much sustenance, just about every white trash clan in the country at least has something that they can show off to you from the 19^th century or prior. Granted, a rusty ass canteen from the Battle of Kennesaw Mountain may not be the most exciting thing in the world, but they’ve got a sliver or American history in their possession - and in many ways, within their consciousness - that most of us simply do not have. While most Americans spend their entire lives trying to grapple with their identity, the white trash denizens of the U.S. have no such problems - because they already know their history, and what part they played in the story of our country’s development.

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

Alike all people that are different from us, it’s oh so easy to look at modern white trash as alien beings, these things that are surely less than human because of their unabashed disregard for social norms. The thing is, unlike other oppressed peoples, there really aren’t any organizations or prominent speakers standing up for their rights, attempting to better them socially as human beings.

As a kid that grew up encircled by white trash, I can tell you that these people are nowhere near as stupid, thoughtless and brain dead as the media makes them out to be. Nor are they anywhere near as violent, aggressive, racist, xenophobic or misogynistic as the myriad cultural depictions you’ve seen on TV or in the movies. That’s not to say that all white trash are relatively harmless folk - if you ever run into a guy that refers to his double wide as a “compound,” it’s probably for the best if you contact the local authorities before another Ruby Ridge breaks out - but all in all, I think they’re people that get pissed on way more than ANY minority in modern America should.

After all, white trash America knows a whole lot more about what’s going down than you think they do. In fact, they might just know a little bit more about the world than you do, for that matter…

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