Showing posts with label rape. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rape. Show all posts

Tuesday, December 25, 2018

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

2017 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings (Week 4!)

USA Today and the A.P. can take a hike - these are the only college football rankings anybody ought to care about.


By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

Do you honestly respect the opinions of organizations like ESPN or USA Today to give it you straight about college football? Of course you don't, which is where The Internet In America's 2017 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings come into play. Every Wednesday throughout the '17 season we'll post our own selections for the best teams in college football, complete with hilariously un-P.C. (yet surprisingly thorough) recaps of their last games as well as a brief preview of their upcoming contests. Plus, we're throwing in a whole bunch of animated GIFs you can steal and post elsewhere on the 'net, because we're cool like that. Simply put, you won't get better NCAA football analysis anywhere on the Internet - and if anybody else dare claims their rankings are more authoritative, you proudly have my permission to go to their corporate offices and take a big fat stankin' shat right on their doorsteps. And with all of that out of the way, who's ready to revisit the week that was in the best kind of football there is - the one with unpaid black people without due process in rape accusations?
#01
Alabama (4-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Ole Miss (Sept. 30)

 Well, the Crimson Tide made sure Vanderbilt's undefeated streak was very short-lived. In Alabama's 59-0 rectal vivisection of the Commodores, 'Bama racked up 496 yards and six touchdowns on the ground, with top back Damien Harris concluding the contest with 151 yards and three touchdowns on 12 carries. Defensively, the Tide absolutely stifled their foes; at the end of the game, they allowed Vandy just 40 yards rushing and only 38 passing.
#02
Clemson (4-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Virginia Tech (Sept. 30)

 With 3:30 seconds left in the third, Clemson and Boston College were deadlocked 7-7 apiece. Considering how lethargic the Tigers' offense had been so far that day, some went as far as to put the reigning, defending National Champs on upset alert. So naturally, Clemson would go on to score four unanswered touchdowns in the fourth and win the whole she-bang 34-7. That said, should we be concerned that Kelly Bryant only had 140 yards on the day, no aerial scores and two interceptions?
#03
TCU (4-0)
Next Opponent: vs. West Virginia (Oct. 7)

 And just like that, the Horned Frogs make themselves a legit playoffs contender. TCU's 44-31 win over Oklahoma State is further proof that it's much better to have an explosive run game in college football than an explosive passing game. While OSU outgunned TCU 398 yards to 228, the Horned Frogs managed to outrun the Cowboys 238 yards to 101, with leading rusher Darius Anderson recording 160 yards and three touchdowns on 26 carries. And the defense certainly did their part, forcing Oklahoma State to turn the ball over four times, including securing two extremely rare INTs off Mason Rudolph.
#04
Washington (4-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Oregon State (Sept. 30)

The Huskies' run game and strong defense propelled them to a pivotal in-conference win over formerly unbeaten Colorado last Saturday. In the 37-10 win, Washington back Myles Gaskin recorded 202 yards and two touchdowns on 27 carries, while Washington's D held Colorado to 120 total rushing yards, additionally intercepting Steven Montez three times.
#05
Georgia (4-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Tennessee (Sept. 30)

 In a Bulldogs vs. Bulldogs clash (actually, the second in a row for UGA), the jerseys in red absolutely throttled the jerseys in maroon. In the 31-3 win, Georgia QB Jake Fromm went 9 for 12 for 201 yards and two TD passes, while Nick Chubb ran the rock for 81 yards and two touchdowns on 15 carries. And don't sleep on wideout Terry Godwin; he led all receivers in the game with 80 yards on just two carries, including one 59-yard gallop into the end zone on a first quarter flea flicker.
Black man spits on Native American iconography, and nobody cares.

#06
USC (4-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Washington State (Sept. 29)

 I'm still not sure what to think of the Trojans' defense. In Saturday's 30-20 win over Cal, Southern Cal forced six turnovers, including four interceptions off Golden Bears' QB Ross Bowers. The problem is, the D also allowed Bowers to lob the pigskin for more than 300 yards, eclipsing the total aerial yardage of Sam Darnold by a good 70-something yards. And don't look at the team's rushing attack as an offset; their final tally of 133 ground yards was just 20 yards more than Cal.

#07
Oklahoma (4-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Iowa State (Oct. 7)

 Yeah, the same team that got beat by Liberty in week one almost managed to upset the Sooners. In a back-and-forth slugfest that felt more 2014 than 2017, Oklahoma barely managed to outgun Baylor 49-41 in a contest that saw Baker Mayfield go 13 for 19 for 283 yards and three touchdowns, with OU backs Adbul Adams and Trey Sermon combining for over 300 yards and three touchdowns on the ground (not bad, considering Baylor's total rushing production for the day was just 60 yards.) Still, the Sooners' defense ought to be flagellating itself all week for letting Zach Smith torch 'em for four touchdowns and 463 passing yards ... 
#08
Penn State (4-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Indiana  (Sept. 30)

 With 1:42 on the clock, Akrum Wadley broke off a 35-yard run to put Iowa up 19-15 over Penn State. And then, with literally zero seconds left on the clock, Trace McSorely hit Juwan Johnson for a seven-yard walk-off touchdown that gave the Nittany Lyings-About-All-Those-Children-They-Molested the last second 21-19 victory. Oh, and if you're wondering how Saquon Barkley did? Eh, not bad - just 211 yards and one end zone waltz on 28 carries.
#09
Michigan (4-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Michigan State (Oct. 7)

 Despite starting QB Wilton Speight getting carted off the field, the Wolverines still managed to prevail over Purdue 28-10. Fifth-year senior John O'Korn did pretty well as the backup pigskin tosser, though, racking up 270 yards and a 1-to-1 TD-to-INT ratio on 18 completions. Credit Michigan's run game (on both sides) for most of the victory, though; Chris Evans' 97-yard, two-touchdown day was easily triple Purdue's total rushing production throughout the game. 
#10
Wisconsin (3-0)
Next Opponent: Northwestern (Sept. 30)

 The Badgers took a breather in week three and are set to go toe-to-toe with Northwestern this Saturday. Averaging 511 yards per game, Wisconsin currently has Division I-A ball's 11th-ranked offense; averaging 248 yards allowed per game, they are also tied with Alabama for Division I-A ball's seventh-best defense. Of special note is senior safety Joe Ferguson, who is currently ranked fourth in I-A ball for most interception return yardage (99.)
Even worse, he was probably one of Jerry Sandusky's victims, too.

#11
Miami (2-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Duke (Sept. 29)

 Heading into the second half, the Hurricanes (ironically enough, displaced by actual hurricanes) were down 16-10 against Toledo. They then went on to score 42 points in the second half and cruise to a (relatively) easy 53-20 win over the Rockets. Standout performers for the Cane include QB Malik Rosier (27 for 36, 333 yards, three touchdowns, one INT), running back Mark Walton (204 yards, one TD on 11 carries) and receiver Braxton Berrios (105 yards and a TD on five catches.)
#12
Virginia Tech (4-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Clemson (Sept. 30)

 The Hokies blanked Old Dominion in an effortless 38-0 win over the weekend. VT held the Monarchs to just 85 yards passing and only 64 yards rushing, while QB Josh Jackson went 20 for 30 for 289 yards, three TDs and one INT (with top receiver Cam Phillips hauling in 106 yards but no end zone visits on seven catches.) Next up for the undefeated Hokies? A pivotal week five home stand against fellow ACC unbeatens Clemson this Saturday - an affair which, obviously, has major national championship implications down the line for both teams.
#13
Washington State (4-0)
Next Opponent: vs. USC (Sept. 29)

 Luke Falk had a hell of a game in the Cougars' 45-7 drubbing of Nevada. Washington State's QB wrapped up the game 36 for 47 for 478 yards and five touchdown passes, with top receiver Tavares Martin, Jr. hauling in two touchdown passes as part of his four-catch, 114-yard day. This Friday's clash against USC is must-see TV for hardcore college football fans; considering how lackluster the Trojans' pass defense has been all season long, are we just a few days away from Washington State completely disrupting the PAC-12 balance of power?
#14
Memphis (3-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Central Florida (Sept. 30)

 Alright, so maybe beating a non-Division I-A team nicknamed the "Salukis" 44-31 isn't the most impressive feat, but still, you've got to give Memphis some credit. I mean, Tony Pollard DID have an awesome 100-yard kickoff return at the end of the third quarter, and QB Riley Ferguson had a pretty good day, going 22 for 36 for 288 yards and two TD passes last Saturday against Southern Illinois. But did these motherfuckers REALLY let Sam Straub drop 290 passing yards and four aerial touchdowns on 'em?
#15
San Diego State (4-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Northern Illinois (Sept. 30)

 It wasn't easy, but the Aztecs did manage to sneak past Air Force 28-24 in perhaps the rainiest college football game of the season thus far. Still, all the mud and stinging precipitation didn't stop Christian Chapman from going 10 for 16 for 180 yards and one TD pass, nor did it bar back Rashaad Penny from collecting three rushing TDs and 128 yards on 20 carries. The defense, though, was a mixed bag. Props for holding Air Force to just 33 passing yards on the day, but shame on you for letting them rack up 220 yards on the ground.
The last time athletes at Duke got burned that bad, it involved a false rape accusation from a woman who would later get convicted of murdering her boyfriend.
#16
South Florida (4-0)
Next Opponent: vs. East Carolina (Sept. 30)

Quinton Flowers didn't really do much in the Bulls' 43-7 win over Temple. He finished the game 8 for 20 for only 96 yards and no touchdowns, but thankfully, he was a bit more productive with his feet, scrambling for 59 yards and racking up two scores on the ground. And if you're looking for the early candidate for get the fuck outta' here stat of the year, chew on this one: at the final horn, the rushing yardage differential was 312 for South Florida, and negative four for Temple. 
#17
Duke (4-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Miami (Sept. 29)

The Blue Devils remain undefeated after beating arch rivals UNC 27-17 on Saturday. Bryon Fields, Jr.'s 61-yard pick six off Chazz Surratt late in the fourth pretty much sealed the victory for Duke, who outyarded the Tar Heels 186-118 on the ground (but let UNC outyard them in the air 259-202.) This Friday night's homestand against Miami is there biggest game of the year so far - and one that could have major implications on the structure of the ACC Championship Game come the first week of December.
#18
Utah (4-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Stanford (Oct. 7)

 Credit the Utes' defense for their razor thin 30-24 win over Arizona. The D forced five turnovers, including three interceptions off Brandon Dawkins - one of which was returned 14 yards for six on the board by Javelin Guidry (yeah, apparently they're naming kids after random sports equipment now.) In terms of quarterbacking numbers, backup Troy Williams underwhelmed with 131 yards and no TDs, while starter Tyler Huntley looked downright fantastic, going 8 for 9 for 98 yards and one aerial score.
#19
Wake Forest (4-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Florida State (Sept. 30)

A late field goal block helped Wake Forest hold on to a narrow 20-19 win over Appalachian State last Saturday. While QB John Wolford looked alright (14 for 27 for 176 yards and two TDs), the passing defense looked bowling shoes ugly, allowing Taylor Lamb to rack up 372 yards against them in the air. One can't help but wonder if that porous secondary coverage will gift bag Florida State a win over the weekend - but then again, judging by how poorly the Seminoles played NC State last Saturday, there might be a 50/50 chance the Demon Deacons are 5-0 come the first of October ...
OK, I'm confused. It's a football game, but how come nobody's kneeling for the National Anthem?

#20
Navy (3-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Tulsa (Sept. 30)

 There's really just one thing you need to know about Navy's 42-32 victory against Cincinnati; at the final whistle, the rushing yardage differential was 58 for the Bearcats, and a goddamn preposterous 569 for the Midshipmen. Hell, Navy only had two completions on the day, but wouldn't you know it, at least one of them was a touchdown. Hey - if being that one-dimensional works, I say keep playing you some fuckin' rugby.
#21
Texas Tech (3-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Oklahoma State (Sept. 30)

 It was a close one, but Texas Tech nonetheless managed to surmount Houston 27-24 over the weekend. Red Raiders QB Nic Shimonek went 29 for 45 for 321 yards, two passing touchdowns and one INT, with top receiver Keke Coutee (officially my new favorite name in college football) hauling in 11 catches for 161 yards and one TD. Oh, and Texas Tech's backs didn't do too poorly, either; although they didn't record any TDs, backs Justin Stockton and Tre King combined for more than 300 yards on 19 rushes.
#22
Minnesota (3-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Maryland (Sept. 30)

 The Golden Gophers last played Sept. 16 against Middle Tennessee. The result was a one-sided 34-3 drubbing of Blue Raiders, in which Minnesota running back Kobe McCrary racked up 107 yards and three rushing TDs on 23 carries. In terms of total offense, Minnesota currently ranks 107 out of 130, and having allowed just 717 yards all season long, are currently Division I-A ball's fourth ranked defense.
#23
Central Florida (2-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Memphis (Sept. 30)

 UCF positively obliterated the Terrapins on Saturday, mashing Maryland 38-10. Offensively, there isn't too much to talk about regarding the Knights (QB McKenzie Milton went 18 for 30 for 178 yards and one score while running back Adrian Killins Jr. killed it with two rushing TDs and 46 yards on seven carries) but that defense is something else. Having allowed only 356 passing yards and just 176 rushing yards, Central Florida is currently the top-ranked defense in all of Division I-A football. Of course, they've also had two less games played than just about everybody else, so take that stat with a considerable grain of salt.
#24
UT-San Antonio (3-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Southern Mississippi (Oct. 7)

The Roadrunners, hot off an upset win against Baylor, put a hurtin' on Texas State over the weekend, pounding the Bobcats 44-14 in a game that saw San Antonio record 212 yards in the air and an additional 357 on the ground. Top back Jalen Rhodes concluded the game with 174 yards and two end zone visit on 15 carries, while UTSA's defense held Texas State to just 161 yards passing and only 37 rushing. Allowing just 207 yards per game thus far into the 2017 season, UTSA currently has Division I-A ball's second best overall defense.
#25
Louisville (3-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Murray State (Sept. 30)

 After a tough loss to Clemson, the Cardinals rebounded with a 42-3 steamrolling of Kent State. Lamar Jackson went 18 for 22 for 299 yards, two scores and two interceptions, plus another 34 yards and one rushing TD carrying the rock on eight runs. And while Kent State's final rushing tally of 139 was pretty close to matching Louisville's 159 final sum, the passing stats tell an entirely different story; while Louisville was able to muster 374 yards in the air, the luckless Golden Flashes could only record 11 yards on two completions all day long. 

Monday, March 13, 2017

DOUBLE REVIEW: 'XX' / 'VooDoo' (2017) Movie Reviews

It's a one-two combination of no-budget indie horror ... but are either of these way off the beaten path genre films actually worth tracking down? 


By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo___X

 Alright kids, we've got a problem we gotta' talk about - Social Security. You know, that thing that represents a third of the total federal budget and makes up easily twice what we spend on the military each and every year?

 Long story short, we're starting to run out of funding. By 2023, the Social Security disability fund  is supposed to disappear and by 2034 - that's 17 years from now, folks - the general Social Security fund for retirees is expected to go kaput. Which means - despite the feds taking a generous chunk of the pay you rightly earned out of your checks to fund the program - basically, we've all been paying into a system that will NEVER, EVER pay us back.

 Factor in a rapidly aging population and an underpaid younger workforce and I suppose you can see the writing on the wall. We've got too many old farts dependent on the puny ass pay stubs of underemployed millennials, and that little boondoggle of an economic equation is only going to get worse from here. According to fake news monolith CNN, to insure Social Security will be a thing 70 years from know, the gubberment is going to either have to raise the Social Security payroll tax rate to 15 percent or slash S.S. benefits by 15 percent - but probably both, and odds are that 15 percent on both ends is going to go up considerably.

 Factor in Medicare expenses, and a grand total of 40 percent of the ENTIRE U.S. federal budget today is allocated exclusively for people over the ages of 62 (which is barely 15 percent of the total U.S. national populace, in case you were wondering.) Well, by 2050, retirement-age Americans are expected to make up one-fifth of the national population, if not even more ... and since those decrepit old fucks are living even longer (thanks in no small part to all of that free - read: taxpayer subsidized - health care we're forced to give 'em), that means not only are we going to be spending MORE tax dollars on the AARP Generation in the not-too-distant future, we're going to be economically indentured to fiscally supporting their old, leathery asses for even longer.

 For the life of me, I just can't fathom why the media (and ESPECIALLY Millennials and Gen Z kids, in general) are so obsessed with trifling bullshit like trannies in bathrooms and free abortions when we're all riding aboard the Titanic and hurdling headlong into a gigantic economic iceberg. The math is staring us directly in the face - this whole Social Security thing has too many beneficiaries, who are eating up way too many tax dollars, who are going to be gobbling up even more of our wages and making us all poorer as working Americans, and ain't nobody - left, right, communist, socialist, alt-right or Skrull - saying anything about this all but inevitable financial time bomb. With wages doing down and entitlement recipients going up, maintaining the Social Security program - as is - is quite literally impossible. The amount of money coming in to the program is soon (very, very soon) going to be less than the program costs to operate. Either the old fogies take one for the team, or we are going to get taxed out the ass so much we'll never be able to live even remotely comfortable, economically stable lives.

 So basically, we're about to become a society of underpaid employees who are forced to live lower-quality lives (to the point that luxuries of modernity all the Baby Bommers and Gen X-ers enjoyed, like home ownership or raising a family, become economic impossibilities) so that the elderly minority can get $3,000 a month from the feds to spend on QVC cookware and Christmas decorations and go to the doctor to have their titties looked at whenever they want somebody to touch their withered, beef jerky-like bodies.

 Well, to quote that dead guy from Drowning Pool, "3, something's gotta' give, eeeeyarghhh." Thus, I've taken the time, the effort and the general human decency to drum up three potential solutions to that looming Social Security crisis everybody else is too busy playing with their puds to directly address and rectify. Granted, these ideas may seem a little radical at first, but remember - desperate times clamor for desperate measures, and remarkable questions absolutely goddamn demand remarkable responses... 

SOLUTION ONE - This one's real simple. Next Tuesday, we just stop handing out any Social Security payments. Hell, for that matter, we might as well cancel all the Medicaid, Medicare and food stamp checks, too, and just get the whole guldarn welfare state over and done with in one fell swoop. Naturally, I suppose the good half to two-thirds of the country dependent on at least one kind of government assistance won't take the abrupt news too kindly, but from there, we can just let natural selection take care of things. The smart senior citizens will find a way to keep trucking along, while the ones too feeble to take care of themselves get to march into that wide blue yonder the way God intended man to live out his or her golden years - starving to death on the streets or getting raped and eventually murdered by roving post-apocalyptic youth gangs. But hey, don't worry about them too much ... by the time 95 percent of our nation's inner cities are nothing but democratic-voting tire fires, we pretty much won't even have an entitlement dilemma to worry 'bout no more. 

 SOLUTION TWO - Now this one is a little more bureaucratic, insuring a whole lot of federal government workers prolly won't lose their jobs. Right now, we've got about 320 million people living in the U.S., and that's not counting all the people named Jose and Javier who snuck into the country last week and are currently soliciting odd jobs/blow jobs down at your local Home Depot. To preserve our illustrious Social Security safety net, I reckon we need to whittle that number down to about half of what it is now. Now, how could we go about doing so? Two words, folks - motherfuckin' THUNDERDOME. That's right, we put every man, woman and child in the States inside a lottery and, two at a time, force 'em to fight to the death inside a facsimile of The Road Warrior set, complete with chainsaws, scythes and rusty pick axes hanging from the top of a huge-assed jungle gym. We already have the Census in place, and since those people only work three weeks every 10 years, I'm sure they'd champ at the bit for the opportunity to round up everybody for the great human harvest. Now, the beauty here is that everything is totally random: you might get lucky and draw a fight against a paraplegic 80-year-old or a four-year-old with brittle bone disease or you might wind up drawing a Hell's Angel coked up on PCP, or Mike Tyson (prolly also coked up on PCP, but that sorta' goes without saying.) Oh, and if neither competitors want to duel for their right to exist, we'll just open the arena gates and let a whole bunch of starving lions eat both of them. Naturally, this would lend itself well to prime time television; I figure we could put the most intriguing and competitive bouts on PBS, with the really good ones slotted in for State of the Union-style multi-channel broadcast. Hell, this thing might even be worth bringing back the old Olympics Triplecast, complete with that fruity ass remote control nobody could figure out.

 SOLUTION THREE - You know, for a nation of people who pride themselves on pragmatism, we don't necessarily have a keen taste for the most pragmatic of solutions no more. Let's cut to the meat of the matter, why don't we? The problem with Social Security is, what, essentially? Not so much that we have this behemoth entitlement program in place that effectively enslaves federal government and all of the nation's taxpayers to be its keeper like the mama in The Babadook, but more the fact that we've got too many damned old people in this country as is. Simply put, the Framers of the Constitution never really intended for a thing such as Social Security to exist, because when America was founded, old people didn't exist. At the time America declared independence, the average life expectancy was barely 35 years old, and even at the beginning of the 20th century most people couldn't expect to live past the age of 50. There was never any need for government subsidized old age care because nobody lived long enough to experience an age old enough that they had to be totally dependent on federally-subsidized services. So if you're a fan of natural law, you'll quickly come to the realization that the problem here isn't Social Security as a national policy, but much more so the fact that people are living far longer than nature ever intended them to. Therefore, I propose we institute a national framework in which every man and woman in the U.S. be involuntarily euthanized at the time of their 65th birthday. Come on, by that point they've pretty much done everything they're going to do professionally and from there on out, their bodies and minds are just going to deteriorate into mush and they're going to spend the next 40 pointless years of their lives doing nothing but gobbling pills like Skittles and watching reruns of Judge Judy. And in that, who in the world could consider sparing millions of people such abject degradation to be an act of "inhumanity?" 

 Granted, your mileage may vary on any of the solutions proposed above, but hey, at least I'm trying to do something about this Social Security nightmare nobody else seems to give half a shit about. And if you think making random people fight to the death or offing senior citizens before they can start collecting discounts at Denny's is too ghoulish to consider, just imagine what the consequences would look like if two-thirds or even four-fifths of all U.S. tax dollars went not to defending our borders or promoting domestic industry or achieving energy independence, but to keeping 60 million Golden Girls conked out of their minds on high-powered psychotropic pills while they shit all over themselves 35 years after Alzheimers' transformed their minds into gingivitis-pockmarked pickles. Welcome to America, 2060: an entire nation of severely underpaid workers with 40, and sometimes even 50 percent income tax burdens, forced to live like transient community college students for the entirety of their lives so a bunch of blue-haired old farts can down free prescription drugs like Hungry Hungry Hippos and waste valuable healthcare funding to get their buttholes looked at every time they feel one too many dingleberries. Yeah, some future to look forward to, ain't it? 
Yeah, you don't know who any of these broads are, and to be honest, you don't really need to know who any of 'em are, either.

Speaking of things better left unseen, the first flick in our double header this week is XX, a horror anthology where all the mini-movies are directed by women. Ever heard of Jovanka Vuckovic, Roxanne Benjamin or Karyn Kusama? Well, me neither, and that's for a reason: none of these skirts really know how to make a movie scary, or unsettling, or really, any good for that matter.

 This is one of those movies financed by people who think stop-motion porcelain dolls with busted eye sockets and time lapse rotting apples are hip and edgy and horrifying. Granted, that may have been the case when Tool music videos were in heavy rotation on MTV 25 years ago, but today? That kind of stuff just comes off as all kinds of hackneyed and uninspired, and unfortunately, the movie don't really get much better after the opening credits. 

 To be fair, the first story - which is actually an adaptation of a Jack Ketchum story - is pretty good, but it still has more flaws than positives. It's about this suburban mom who's riding the subway train with her two kids and they're sitting next to this old creepy pedophile looking dude with a wonky eye and one of the kids asks if he can see what's in his spooky red gift box and he shows it to him and after that, he stops eating altogether. Right then and there you realize this had to be made by some hoity-toity upperclass suburban-weaned post-mallrat broad - prolly  born and raised in some cosmopolitan Yankee hellhole, like Long Island, Boston or, heaven help us, Toronto - because if this kinda' thing happened to a family in the Deep South - white or black - the movie would be over in five minutes. The very moment Little Billy would have told his ma he doesn't want a third helping of blueberry cobbler with a double dollop of Cool Whip, she'd reach over the table, slam a plastic funnel down his gullet and force feed him deserts until he weighed as much as a blue ribbon prize pig at the annual FFA convention. But since this is one of those white families, the parents don't do shit except slam their fists on the table and sneak outside to smoke Marlboros because their kid refuses to eat pizza or eggrolls. Strangely enough, it takes them a full four days before they take their kid to a doctor, and even THEY don't do anything for the anorexic little twerp, who then whispers something into his sister's ear that makes her not want to eat, either. And then he tells dad something, and naturally, he stops eating, too. Then there's this dream sequence where mom is laying on a dinner table and the rest of the family is eating bloody chunks of her thighs, but that's not the real ending. By Christmastime everybody in the family except mom weighs approximately 50 pounds and then they all starve to death at the hospital. Now, as to why she didn't get them shipped out to a psychiatric facility for their eating disorders ... or why she waited until they were at death's door before taking 'em to the hospital ... or why she was even cool with her family wasting away to skeletons over the course of two months ... or why the medical personnel couldn't stick an IV in them or force feed them muscle-building milkshakes from GNC until they looked like something other than Auschwitz victims ... well, the movie never tells us. And if you're looking for an explanation for why the family suddenly decided to stop eating, there's no exposition - it just ends with mom riding the subway, hopelessly trying to find the guy with the wonky eye and the gift box. Bad and stupid endings, I can do, but filmmakers who are too lazy to come up with any ending? Next to the film itself exploding and the theater refusing to hand out any refunds, I can't think of anything that infuriates audiences as much. 

 Still, that first vignette is far and away the best thing about XX, seeing how boring and formulaic the other three stories are. The second one isn't even really a horror short - it's basically a re-do of Weekend at Bernie's about a grandma trying to hide her son-in-law's corpse in a giant panda costume so it won't ruin her grandkid's birthday party, where all the kids are dressed up like shrimp and toilets, for some inexplicable reason. The third one is a total ripoff of The Evil Dead (and Scalps and Equinox) about these four hippies that take their RV into the desert and smoke pot and then one of them gets possessed by some Native American demon spirit and turns into a terrible-looking CGI chicken nugget herky-jerky zombie, and the fourth one is a total ripoff of The Omen and The Babadook and even We Need To Talk About Kevin about this single mom who has convinced her son his daddy is some Hollywood movie star, but he's actually the Antichrist and he's running around nailing squirrels to trees and ripping the fingernails off girls at school but he never gets in any trouble because he's (unwittingly) using his devil worship mind control powers on everybody.

 So needless to say, after the 22 minute mark, there ain't Jack Shit worth anybody sticking around for. This stuff don't come anywhere close to matching other contemporary horror anthologies - V/H/S and The ABCs of Death and especially Three...Extremes - but I will give it some credit for not being filled to wall-with-wall feminist-propaganda identity-politicking, which is pretty much what all of us expect out of something called XX. It still sucks, but hey - at least it doesn't suck for ideological reasons.

 We've got six dead bodies. No breasts (kind of a shocker there, huh?) One dead squirrel. One CGI zombie monster. Gratuitous stop-motion animation baby dolls and grungy teacup sets. Gratuitous rapping panda telegram. Gratuitous slow-motion kids' birthday party reaction shots. Gratuitous devil toenail clipping. One dudebro tossed through a window. One nasty compound fracture. Anorexia fu. Cannibalism fu. And the thing pretty much responsible for this film even existing, obvious-regret-over-pursuing-a-film-career-instead-of-having-children fu.

 Starring Natalie Brown as the mama that doesn't really find it odd at all that her kids haven't eaten anything for three weeks and look like gaunt elementary-school-aged heroin addicts; Melanie Lynskey (the other chick in Heavenly Creatures) as the GMILF who thinks zipping her daughter's dead husband into a giant furry costume makes more sense then just telling everybody she found him keeled over on his work desk; Angela Trimbur as the girl who gets possessed by really, really shitty looking Final Cut Pro effects; and Christina Kirk as the mother of the Antichrist, who tries really, really hard to channel the spirits of Essie Davis and Tilda Swinton before a demonic whirlwind makes her puke blood all over her kid's birthday cake.

 Eh, I'll give it two stars out of four simply for refusing to lay on the women's lib rhetoric too thick. It still prolly isn't worth your time, though, unless you REALLY need to get out of the house for an hour and half, and even then I'd recommend doing something else with your disposable income and free time, like hitting up an all you can-eat pizza buffet or going mini-golfing.
When Ron Jeremy provides the bulk of your movie's star power, you know you either did something really, really wrong or something inadvertently really, really right.

We do, however, have ourselves a slightly better female-oriented horror flick making the rounds at local arthouse cinemas with really low standards nationwide in the form of the second half of our double feature, Tom Costabile's VooDoo. Now, it is, unfortunately, one of those damned found footage movies, but at least this one has the horse sense to use a steadicam instead of shaky cam so you can actually see what's happening onscreen instead of having to just sorta' guess at what you're looking at like in Blair Witch and Unfriended. We start off with a guy finding a woman with her guts torn out in a kids' sandbox, and then this ebony hoodoo priestess gets possessed by African-American Satan and starts speaking in tongues and stabbing a still living victim with a butcher knife and rubbing blood all over her face before singing the preamble to "Circle of Life." Then we cut to this actress with the worst Southern accent you have ever heard in your life (at times, she sounds more like she's doing an imitation of Katherine Hepburn more than anything else) arriving in California so she can visit her wannabe punk rocker cousin's place and admire the voodoo beads and baby doll masks just laying all over the place.

 So they shoot the shit by the pool for awhile and then talk about Mardi Gras and go sightseeing in Hollywood while smoking kush. Then they do shots at The Rainbow and dance with Ron Jeremy (yes, that Ron Jeremy) and the visitor from New Orleans talks about her husband leaving her for his ex, a voodoo queen (uh-oh) and sure as sugar, as soon as she flips on nightvision mode, a whole bunch of invisible shadow demons pop up on camera and two things become quite apparent: one, nobody on the payroll had any idea how to animate anything with a computer, and two, the shit is about to get real crazy in a real hurry.

 The next morning they pour Bloody Marys into Gatorade bottles and hit up Venice Beach and this homeless dude won't stop staring at them while they sunbathe and then a fortune teller freaks out on 'em. Then they monkey around on Rodeo Drive then Louisiana Girl gets a phone call from her ex and learns that his crazy-ass ex is in L.A. looking for her. And NOW is the part where Devil-Mania 2017 starts running wild; after a shitty shadowy CGI monster attacks her and crucifixes start spinning around on the wall, our leading lady goes down stairs and - yikes - the whole damn house has turned into Dante's Inferno - a Dante's Inferno built using $20 worth of art supplies from Michaels and the services of part-time community theater actors for half an hour, but Dante's Inferno nonetheless.

 We've got disemboweled drummers nailed to the cupboards. We've got the prodigal cousin turning into a really, really bad Evil Dead ripoff demon. And worst of all - or maybe best of all, depending on your sense of humor - a chorus of Satanic minions take over the soundtrack, only they didn't do the audio mixing too good so they either sound like Bill Cosby on autotune or E.T., the Extra-Terrestrial. 

 But we haven't gotten to the really wacky part yet. Then a whole bunch of imps literally drag the "final girl" into the bowels of hell, and I don't know what it resembles more: that really, really bad port of Doom on the Game Boy Advance or one of those really, really shitty Dungeons & Dragons-ripoff VCR board games from back in the day. The fog machine is turned on ultra-blast, there's red Play-Doh smeared all over the walls and for the demonic statues, I'm pretty sure they just glued some horns on some lawn gnomes and called it good. 

 And now we're finally at the part where things get kooky. This guy in a Shriner's cap chains her up so these albino S&M elves can smell her feet, then he brands her with a big old pentagram. Then she walks into a room full of meat hooks and you can just tell they went down to the seasonal Halloween supply shop and just tossed as many plastic arms and heads around the set as possible. THEN she walks into another room (actually, I'm pretty sure they just used the same room over and over again, only with the plastic skeletons arranged differently to create the illusion of a different set) and we get to watch pregnant women choked to death with their own umbilical cords and zombies literally chowing down on newborn infants. Then she watches a priest have his butthole sawed open and she runs into the ghost of the uncle who used to molest her then demons kill her dead mama all over again and for the grand finale? Well, let's just say it involves one of the blunter devil rape scenes in horror history; and, I, for one, never would've guessed the Prince of Darkness would've been that into anal. 

 Sure, sure, all of it sucks, but at least it sucks in a refreshingly non-ironic way. Unlike a good 90 percent of the no-budget genre movies getting made nowadays, at least these people TRIED to make a serious movie. Corny, cheesy and shitty on purpose I can't tolerate, but corny, cheesy and shitty because that's literally the best the filmmakers could do, I can't help but admire and appreciate.

 We've got 11 dead bodies. Two breasts. Ritual blood drinking. Multiple disembowelments. Zombies. Demons. A Satanic knight that appears to be wearing a suit made out of tinfoil. Fetus chewing. A flaming hot branding iron right to the stomach. Priest torturing. Satanic rape (complete with a Lucifer that looks like an extra from 300 spray-painted red.) Gratuitous demonic cackling. Gratuitous molester uncle. Gratuitous bloody pentagrams. Gratuitous devil worship graffiti. Heads roll. Arms roll. S&M fu. Butcher knife fu. Perverted imp fu. And, the thing responsible for the whole movie ... the world's sturdiest video camera fu. Hey, you have to admire the craftsmanship on anything that has enough battery life to make it sightseeing on the Sunset Strip and going through all nine circles of hell in just one night. 

 Starring veteran TLC dramatic recreation actor Samantha Stewart as Nawlins' vacationer Dani Lamb, whose trip to L.A. involves slightly more contact with slimy sadomasochist sex demons than your average three-day stay in Hollywood; Ruth Reynolds as Stacy Cole, the Louisiana transplant who named her shitty pukola punk band "Rapeseed" and eventually winds up turning into an albino crater-face necro-cannibal; Dominic Matteucci and Daniel Kuzul as the bandmates who spend more of the movie with their guts hanging outside of their body than inside them; Constance Strickland as the child-murdering Santeria practitioner who really can't stand seeing her former lover move on; and Ron Jeremy, who I'm pretty sure wasn't scheduled to appear in the movie, but since he was already on set at the Rainbow, they gave him a few lines anyway.

 Directed and written by Tom Costabile, who you can tell is going to have a long and fruitful career making movies like this for a long time to come, as evident by his showstopping dialogue "choke on your mother's bowels, you fucking cunt."

 I'll give it two and a half stars out of four. Jimbo says check it out, especially if you ever wondered what a stage production of Hellraiser produced and financed by GWAR would look like.

Saturday, November 26, 2016

This Week in Social Justice Warrior-Dom

A fond look back at all the things that had ultra-P.C. jihadists outraged ... before they forget all about them in just a few days. 
By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo__X
Liberals, ever the gracious losers, continue to act incredibly decorous in wake of Trump's presidential election

In many ways, Democrats and Democrat sympathizers really shouldn't feel all that surprised by the outcome of the Nov. 8 general election. Indeed, Trump's election almost eerily mirrors the "upset" re-election of George W. Bush in 2004 - the liberal politicos declared their morally superior candidate the victor three months out, they completely forgot about half of the electorate (namely, working class families in flyover country) and they simply attacked the character of the other candidate instead of adequately explaining why their own candidate's policies were better for the aggregate American - and what do you know, looks like history decided to up and repeat itself. Of course, modern SJW-libs don't have memories of anything that happened before Obama was elected, so this whole "not getting your way thing" remains a fairly new sensation for them - and as the lengthy list of incidents and episodes below demonstrate, they most certainly aren't taking this novel thing called "losing" very well, whatsoever:

Of course, despite all of these nauseatingly immature behaviors - some of which crossed over into the domain of legitimate violent crime - the mainstream media taste-makers remain intent on showcasing Trump supporters as the ones who are really wacked-out. Oh, how much fun the pissy liberal elites had with Trump's tweet storm against Hamilton - you know, the synthetic Broadway sensation that won't even let white people audition and whose stars have made social media "jokes" about taking advantage of drunk Caucasian women on St. Patrick's Day - as if such was proof positive Trumpites are mentally retarded. And by oh golly, The Huffington Post and its P.C. propaganda spoutin' ilk had a field day with that whole "Trump Cup" protest, when the guy who started it said the movement was actually meant to be a parody of leftists' over-reactionary demonstrations against everything. 

But there are a few other stories that you haven't heard the Huff-Pos and The Daily Beasts and the Buzzfeeds of the world disseminating like social justice Johnny and Joanna Appleseeds. 







Well, shit. Considering the amount of coast-to-coast violence being perpetrated by Trump-haters, maybe the wrong political contingent are wearing the symbolic safety pins, aren't they?

Lena Dunham continues to be horrible, horrible human being
For the most part, I really don't care about most celebrity social justice warriors. If Bobby DeNiro says he wants to fistfight Donald Trump or Madonna tries to incentivize the liberal base by offering oral sexual favors, it just kinda' floats past me and sticks to the walls like invisible bacteria. Now, Lena Dunham, however, is one of the few Hollywood starlets/media creations whose incessant political ranting and raving genuinely makes me want to puke (and no, it's not just because everytime I hear her name, I can't help but imagine her topless - FOR FUCK'S SAKE, NEVER, EVER CLICK THIS LINK.) The grating comedian - whose entire shtick is about bemoaning "white privilege" and "the patriarchy," despite the fact that she herself grew up in affluence in New York City - hasn't exactly taken Trump's election very well. In a desperate attempt to grab attention - I mean, highlight the injustices of the conservative base - she recently filmed herself hysterically railing against Paul Ryan's answering machine. This, after visiting reserve in Arizona to ask "the Canyon for some guidance" on how to deal with Hillary's loss and doing an about face on her "promise" to leave America upon Trump's election. In that, I suppose it's not too surprising that Dunham is hailed by the entertainment-media complex as some sort of post-post-postmodern feminist heroine. You know, the kind of heroine who laughs about sexually abusing her younger sister and lies about being raped.

White teacher loses cool and "n-bombs" class full of middle schoolers
Did you ever see that movie Freedom Writers, where Hilary Swank played an iron-willed teacher who was determined to teach inner city ruffians to appreciate art and stop shooting each other because she took them to a Holocaust museum? Well, that's a movie that promotes something I like to call "The Strong White Woman Messiah Myth." Dangerous Minds is another example of Hollywood disseminating the phony ideal, and so is Music of the Heart. Basically, it's this weird white liberal fantasy in which a strong, domineering female somehow manages to win the hearts and minds of "historically oppressed minorities" through emotional appeals and diversity-promoting "character building" exercises - i.e., shit that has been proven time and time again to not even remotely work in real inner city school systems. In that, I can take just a wee bit of Schadenfreude delight in a recent episode in a West Baltimore middle school in which one of those white woman messiah educators apparently had a mental breakdown in class and began calling her unruly students "idiots" and a bunch of "punk ass niggers" too stupid to accomplish anything. Even better, the incident comes on the heels of a new state report finding that male teachers are grossly underrepresented in the state's school systems. And with seven out of eight educators in the state female, isn't it about time we started seriously floating around the idea that a PROFOUND lack of male leadership might just be playing a role in the disastrous educational outcomes of Baltimore's predominantly black school children?

Amid astounding rape epidemic, Swedish officials fight for women's rights with counterproductive snow shoveling policies, hotline to report "mansplaining"
I don't know if you kids knew this, but apparently, Sweden has itself a pretty dadgum big problem with its female residents getting sexually assaulted. Of course just flatout saying "you know, a lot of them there Muslim refugee folks sure do like to stick their wee-wees inside our women without permission" is an inconceivable hate crime regardless of its facticity, so all those Swedish meatballs have instead tried to deflect the blame back to the Scandinavian country's native male population. Indeed, one of the Swedish government's attempts to close the gender gap was a policy that precluded "discriminatory" snow shoveling. Naturally, the Swedes realized the error of their ways when a massive snow storm hit, and the state's failures to clean up around construction sites and major roadways in favor of dusting off bicycle paths resulted in horrendous traffic jams. But don't you worry your pretty albeit just as capable heads, gals - the country's largest union is now attempting to make it up to you by offering a hotline to report instances of that most horrific of crimes - mansplaining. 

London police say hundreds of children are being abused, tortured and murdered  in African witchdoctor ceremonies
"Not all cultures are morally equal," Oxford University Professor Nigel Biggar wrote in his 2013 book In Defence of War. "And some are intolerably unjust, deserving to be invaded, not defended." Biggar's blunt declaration throws a big fat monkey wrench into the multiculturalism wehrmacht, because it hits upon a palpable truth we all recognize, but lack the moralistic backbone to ever acknowledge: quite frankly, there are some people out there who believe in shit so stupid and dangerous that giving it any sort of legitimacy in the form of post-globalization "tolerance" is pretty much the sociopolitical equivalent of piping honey bees into your anus and being shocked to high heavens when your asshole gets stung. The nonprofit Africans United Against Child Abuse recently demonstrated this point when they released a report finding at least 60 children in London were "strangled, burned, cut or starved" during ritualistic child abuse ceremonies in 2015 - with an additional 350 such cases misidentified or uninvestigated by U.K. police. As it turns out, these kids - virtually all of them the children of immigrants from Sub-Saharan nations - are being "exorcised" to cast out maladies like behavioral disorders and physical disabilities ... sometimes via such subtle homeopathic remedies as burning them with cigarettes, chaining them for 24 hours at a time and pummeling their teeny-tiny skulls with claw hammers. "Inevitably there will be further deaths of children relating to these safeguarding concerns because these deep-rooted belief systems result in tragic incidents," said Scotland Yard Detective Inspector Allen Davis. "The people doing the exorcism - self-appointed faith figures in a position of authority - they are exploiting vulnerable people, not just physically and emotionally but financially as well. People are paying quite a lot of money in order to rid of the 'demons.'"

Facebook blamed for Donald Trump's election

But opinion being presented as the God-given truth is still A-OK, though.
With "because she didn't run a campaign that effectively explained her policy ideas in a manner palatable to working and middle class Americans, primarily in non-urban epicenters" remains an unacceptable answer, the mainstream media has looked high and low for anything to blame for Clinton's loss. Well, it looks like pissy, aggrieved Hillary voters - perhaps realizing they can't cite 60 million Americans as alt-right neo-Nazis - have found the perfect scapegoat in Facebook. In a New York Times article penned by Zeynep Tufecki, the authoress declares that the ubiquitous social media empire's news algorithms bombarded users with a deluge of "fake news stories" concerning Mr. Trump, which Tufecki believes was enough to goad some of the more gullible readers out there into voting for him. (Because as we all know, Clinton supporters immediately writing off Trump voters as a bunch of backwoods retards incapable of practicing common sense totally isn't one of the reasons she lost.) In yet another New York Times screed, Jim Rutenberg chided Facebook for promoting - and please, do put on your finest "irony" helmets - "false narratives, fake news and aggressive efforts to delegitimize traditional journalism." Hell, the New York Times has become absolutely infatuated with the issue, publishing no less than five major articles - here, here, here, here and here - about how "fake news" imperils democracy over a five day period. Of course, none of the articles ever bring up the mounds of evidence against the mainstream media outlets concerning their brass-balled bias against Trump during the campaign - you know, really little things like CNN reaching out to the DNC to come up with "gotcha" questions against Republican candidates and feeding Clinton debate inquiries ahead of her meetings with Trump. Or The Washington Post hiring 20 full-time reporters to dig up as much dirt on Trump, when they didn't hire a single person to look into Clinton's shady doings. Or the NYT - my, why would a newspaper fundamentally owned by Mexico's wealthiest businessman have a vendetta against Trump? - actually allowing a writer to keep penning anti-Donald screeds even after he called for his assassination on Twitter. Considering the long track record of falsifications, fabrications and full-fledged bullshit that mainstream media outlets have been pumping up for years, I'd venture to guess the general public has more than enough reason to be suspicious of everything the big time cable news networks and publishing monoliths crap out. Indeed, the media bigwigs ought not be afraid of fake news destroying their precious, precious monopoly on "facticity" - rather, the blatant propaganda masquerading as "information" they've shat and shat all year long is doing more than enough to make sure their stranglehold on "the truth" weakens on a daily basis.

Insecure women hail thunder-thighed Barbie as crucial blow for feminism 
The more I think about, the more I'm convinced third-wave feminism is nothing more than some sort of mass aggrievement blob scraped off the collective hateful psyches of women who grew up in the late 1980s and early 1990s who were too fat, ugly or uncoordinated to be cheerleaders. After all, how else do you explain the downright juvenile ecstasy of this Glamour report about the release of a new Barbie doll modeled after Ashley Graham? According to reporter Christopher Rosa, the doll is "too perfect for words," and counts as some sort of body positive cult-of-personality victory simply because the doll doesn't have a thigh gap. "She gave millions of women (and men!) license to embrace their curves and drown out haters, which is fantastic," Rosa continues. "Little girls still idolize Barbie as the epitome of beauty; by putting Graham in that club, it helps them realize that size doesn't matter - you're perfect just the way you are." Yeah, that sounds like a hell of a message for elementary school America - don't try to improve yourself in any way and if anybody criticizes you for not giving a shit, cry and call them a bunch of misogynists. Strangely, we're not seeing much of an effort to expand that body-positivity tao towards boy-oriented toys, though - indeed, the entire action figure aisle at Target remains a multiverse of steroid addled WWE rasslers and Marvel Comics characters. And perhaps telling you everything you need to know, Mattel has made no efforts to produce a pudgy, bald or he-tittied Ken doll to complement the new jelly-rolled Barbie.
Brooklyn children bored out of their minds during drag queen indoctrination activity

 I've always thought that elementary-aged kids were a whole lot more perceptive than most people give them credit for. They haven't had their brains completely turned into ideological Slush Puppies yet, and since they haven't hit puberty, their not guided by borderline self-destructive libido impulses. In that, the only thing they are beholden to is that which can maintain their notoriously short attention spans, and much to the chagrin of the Brooklyn Public Library, it looks like "Drag Queen Story Hour" isn't exactly something that's winning over the hearts and minds of our littlest Americans. Well, this write-up in The New Yorker gives you plenty of meaty, unintentionally hilarious chunks to chew on, from the mom who forces her six-year-old t0 watch a Barbie cartoon because it only has two male characters in it to the "entertainer" in palazzo pants who said female impersonators ought to replace magicians and clowns and who was aghast that a bunch of kindergartners didn't give a shit what "feminism" was. The article also has the single greatest one-two paragraph knockout blow I've read all year, which I have to quote in full:
"The drag queen Lil Miss Hot Mess came out, wearing a white sequinned tunic dress and matching heels, bright-pink tights, and a curly auburn wig (She has performed at Bushwig, a drag festival and at SFMOMA.) She declined to give her birth name but said that she is a graduate student in media studies at N.Y.U. She put on black owlish reading glasses, sat on a folding chair, and addressed her audience: "Can everyone say, 'When I grow up, I want to be a drag queen?'"
"The children just stared."
Well I'll be damned. There might just be some hope for our future after all. Oh, and in other transvestite/transsexual news involving children, Charlotte police announced that a transwoman attacked by three hatchet wielding purveyors of patriarchal hate actually knew her attackers ... in fact, she actually engaged in a sex act with one of them shortly before being attacked. And by the way, that sexual partner was a 15-year-old child.
Politico editor forced to resign after publishing competing ideologue's address online and encouraging readers to beat him to death with baseball bats

 You probably read something over the last couple of days about a whole bunch of so-called "alt-right" accounts being purged from Twitter. Aye, the cash hemorrhaging social media monolith ain't fucking around, dropping everybody from WeSeachr founder Pax Dickinson to Myspace spank fodder Tila Tequila for what they consider promotion of neo-Nazi ideologies. Strangely, the powers that be in the media aren't too keen on going after alt-right haters, as apparent by the treatment of ex Politico national editor Michael Hirsch. Following National Policy Institute founder Richard Spencer's exile from the tweet-o-sphere, Hirsch took to Facebook to not only dox the white nationalist, but encourage his followers to take physically violent acts against Spencer on account of his ideology. "I wasn't thinking of a fucking letter," Hirsch wrote on social media. "He lives part of the time next door to me in Arlington. Our grandfathers brough baseball bats to Bund meetings. Want to join me?" Of course, even though Hirsch was the one advocating beating the shit out of someone because of their beliefs, mass media turd wads like CNN actually had the audacity to pen headlines like "Politico editor resigns after publishing address of extremist leader," because as we all know, harboring passive hateful ideologies is far more radical than telling people to actively invade someone's home and attack them with weapons. But then again, perhaps this gloriously hypocritical coverage shouldn't be deemed surprising in the slightest; after all, we are all well aware by now that politically motivated racial hatred isn't considered an equivalent sin across the color spectrum ...

Clearly, there is no bias at Team Twitter...

...and a few headlines that speak for themselves...

Barnard College offers coloring books to students upset over Hillary's loss

Old white woman films herself harassing Cedar Rapids cops to prove once and for all that black lives truly do matter

The Guardian declares the Internet "manosphere" a threat on par with ISIS

Montana Trump elector criticized for making jokes about gay people ... six years ago

According to F.A.I.R. survey, nearly two-thirds of Hispanics in America support Donald Trump's immigration policies

Hofstra law professor says electoral college is unconstitutional ... despite it being in the actual constitution

 Car break-in inadvertently leads to dog being "rescued" from hot car

 That bitch from Scary Movie fined after chihuahua she adopted found starving to death on city streets

 Bitch from Sex and the City says she wants to move into woods, learn how to use gun to protect adopted daughter from Donald Trump

Detroit Lions player says highlight of college career was breaking Joe Paterno's leg

Atlanta area cop calls Trump supporters "dumb ass rednecks," probably won't get fired

Aghast viewers claim animal documentary promotes "rape culture"

Light skinned black woman on CNN calls darker skinned black man a "terrorist" for agreeing with Donald Trump's crime policies

 Detroit newswoman resigns after telling colleague she's tired of covering "niggers killing each other"

 British woman arrested in Dubai after reporting own rape

 Under watchful eye of Sharia police, 15-year-old girl mercilessly beaten in Muslim mall

 Man gets ass kicked by Justin Bieber

Kanye West says he would've voted for Trump, placed in psychiatric hospital just hours later

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