Wednesday, September 19, 2012

My Four Favorite Obama Conspiracy Theories

The accusations so absurd, even Fox News hasn’t picked up on them yet…


Say what you will about Barack H. Obama, but you have to give the dude some serious credit; they guy has more patience - and good old fashioned restraint - than just about any public figure in American history.

Imagine, if you will, that a large population - as in, tens of millions of people - honestly believed you were groomed by a cartel of international secularists to destroy capitalism and Judeo-Christian values. Imagine having the star of a once-popular reality television series begin a national campaign to slander you on every talk show in America, claiming that you were born 5,000 miles away and trained to be a socialist-humanist revolutionary. Imagine turning on the television, and seeing thousands of middle-aged white people gathered in a park, wearing Lipton bags on their heads and holding signs that call you everything from Hitler to a bad kisser, solely to revel in their hatred of you.

I’d say that, for the average America, about five minutes of such mass vehemence would be enough to drive a dude insane. But for our sitting commander-in-chief, that’s pretty much a facet of his second-by-second existence. Dirty Harry, clearly suffering from the latter stages of Alzheimer’s, can give a totally inexplicable speech at the Republican National Convention where he compares you to a chair, and people cheer him. Chuck Norris is on TV, saying that if you get elected, a thousand years of darkness will consume the countryside. The dude that once sang the “Monday Night Football” theme song goes across the country, telling county fair visitors that you hate “fishing” but love “homosexuals,” as if the two had equal sociopolitical bearings.

Armadillos are in awe of this guy’s skin-thickness, really.

Politicians are always ripe for mocking and ridiculing, but I don’t think ANY president in American history has had the amount of genuine, undiluted, red-hot piss-and-vinegar tossed his way as old Barry has. George W. Bush was unpopular, but the scorn heaped upon him seemed to be based on, I don’t know, reality and things that actually had some sort of contextual merit. The hatred directed towards Obama, however, seems to be a mega-volcano of life-long, pent up rage, as if all of the baby-boomers, eyeing their inevitable decline as human beings, have decided to pool their repressed hostilities together and form a human MegaZord of transferred rage and disdain. No, it’s not enough to blame Obama for the economic downturn and a perceived decline in American exceptionalism (that, oddly enough, seems to be two hallmarks of Reagan-Republicanism), he also HAS to be derided for…well, pretty much everything else, too. Using health care reform as a Reichstag to set up death panels, arming the Social Security Administration with munitions to blast away the sickly, using Obama-Phones to coordinate mass-Commie meetings…really, there’s no such thing as a swipe at the President that’s too absurd.

There are a lot of “conspiracy theories” surrounding Obama that are, to put it bluntly, just a tad far-fetched. Yes, yes, we’ve all heard the allegations that he was born in Kenya and may or may not be the product of Muslim-socialist training programs, but there are, well, other ideas out there that are equally fascinating and groan-inducing. With that in mind, I would like to turn your attention to four lesser-celebrated Obama conspiracy theories - and trust me, these are so out there that even Paul Ryan supporters might reject them. Well, maybe.

DID YOU KNOW THAT BARACK OBAMA WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE AURORA, COLORADO SHOOTING EARLIER THIS SUMMER?


On July 20, 2012, some dude walked into a theater in Colorado and shot a whole bunch of people. It was sad, tragic, and totally pointless…but according to the front man for Megadeth, it was actually a false flag operation carried out by the Obama Administration to yank guns away from the American citizenry.

As you can see in the video, Dave Mustaine - quite possibly the only human being in history that’s ever been more sensible while he was on heroin - told a Singapore audience that Obama masterminded the Colorado shooting - in addition to the Sikh temple massacre in Wisconsin and gun violence at the U.S.-Mexican border - as part of some grandiose plan to disarm U.S. citizens. He then goes on to say America is turning into a Nazi empire and pledges to relocate to Singapore - ironically, a country with gun laws that are INFINITELY stricter than the ones in place in the US of A.

As longtime readers of THE INTERNET IS IN AMERICA are already aware of, a lot of Second-Amendment enthusiasts seem to think that this Obama fellow is hell-bent on taking away their guns and ammo. Guys like Alex Jones are convinced, CONVINCED, I SAY, that the feds are arming federal agencies to instigate some sort of cultural enslavement program, but Mustaine’s declaration takes an-already asinine proposition and ratchets it up to “Manchurian Candidate” levels of bat-shit insane. Whether or not the dude from Testament thinks the Democrats are putting mind-control nanobots in the fluoride supply, however, has yet to be publicly confirmed.

DID YOU KNOW THAT BARACK OBAMA IS ACTUALLY THE LOVECHILD OF A HAWAIIAN COMMUNIST WRITER? 

So, there’s this organization out there called Special Operations Speaks, which was founded by former Navy SEAL Larry Bailey. According to the organization’s platform, Obama is an anti-military socialist that’s guilty of leaking national security papers and receives too much credit for last year’s OBL whacking. So yeah, nothing we haven’t heard a million times before, really.

Where things get, um, interesting, is Bailey’s assertion that Barack Obama’s daddy wasn’t BO Senior, but rather this guy named Frank Marshall Davis - a writer for the Communist Party USA’s newsletter in Hawaii, making our sitting president a “a born-red diaper baby” by default.

Now, if you’re wondering what evidence this Bailey fellow has to support his allegations…uh, well, he has a gut feeling I suppose, which doesn’t require things like “tangible proof” or “verified materials.” On the surface, one may assume that this whole SOS stuff is just the bloviating of a bunch of old, fat, retired military guys that have nothing better to do than rabble on and on about politics because it makes them feel somewhat relevant…and seeing as how many members of the SOS brigade were ALSO members of the 2004 ant-Kerry “Vietnam Vets for the Truth” campaign, I guess that makes mine a valid hypothesis beyond the superficial layer, too.

DID YOU KNOW THAT BARACK OBAMA IS A CRACK-SMOKING HOMOSEXUAL THAT KILLED ONE OF HIS GAY LOVERS IN 1999?


What is it with dudes named Larry slamming the Prez with utterly unfounded allegations? Well, if you thought Larry Bailey’s claims that Obama is a genetically designed communist hell bent on crushing the American economy was a little much, just wait until you hear what Larry Sinclair has to say about our current Oval Office occupant.

Larry - who, by the way, was sentenced to prison for 16 years on forgery charges, has at least 13 known aliases (among them, “Mohammed Gahanan” and “Larye Avila”) and once claimed to be “terminally ill” in order to dodge a Colorado arrest warrant for stealing other people’s tax returns  - claims that in ‘99, he met Obama in a swish Chicago nightclub, who then proceeded to hop in Sinclair’s Limo, fire up a crack pipe and get his chief hailed, if you know what I mean (and if you don’t, I mean Sinclair claims to have performed oral sex on the President.) Now, all of this sounds quite reliable (despite the fact that Bailey has ZERO proof that such an encounter occurred), but it doesn’t stop there: he later broke the news (apparently, on some Spanish-language tabloid show co-hosted by a muppet) that Obama apparently had his secret gay lover, some dude named Donald Young, KILLED back in 2007 because he was afraid he was going to run his mouth to the media about their torrid affair.

While such utterly inane talk - backed by nary a single shred of actual evidence - seems like the kind of thing that would be easily dismissed, ol’ Bailey managed to turn his unfounded chatter into a cottage industry of sort, publishing a “tell-all” book in 2009  that alleges that the Obama Administration, in a joint effort, somehow, with an online porn baron, manipulated the mainstream media to ensure that his story never got out…even after Sinclair held a press conference at the National Press Club in 2008 (alongside a disbarred, kilted lawyer), which culminated with Sinclair being arrested by D.C. police. And the ultimate punch line here? Since 2008, Sinclair’s crazy ass “newz” site has been completely ignored by the politicos of the world, garnering a rather paltry 33 million views since Obama came into office.

DID YOU KNOW THAT BARACK OBAMA MASTERED THE ART OF TIME TRAVEL, AND VISITED MARS…TWICE?

When it comes to Obama conspiracies, it’s really hard to think of one that tops the claims made by Andrew D. Basiago and William Stillings - two government employees (one of which is a legitimate Seattle-area attorney) that allege that Barack Obama was part of a top-secret, DARPA-led time-travel experiment in the early 1980s.

Yes, that’s right, Barack Obama ain’t just a foreign-born, Mooze-lam, Trotskyist, crack-smoker-theater-shooter upper, but a “chrononaut” (that’s a fancy way of saying “time traveler,” by the way) involved in this thing called Project Pegasus. And if that’s not enough, they two also claim that our current head-of-state was also part of Martian teleportation project, alleging that Barack Obama was transported, “Star Trek”-style, to the Red Planet not just once, but twice in the ‘80s.

According to Basiago and Stillings - who claimed to have also been a part of the project - the intent of the program was to prepare Martian residents for future, human exploration endeavors, and claim that Obama - at the time, using the name “Barry Soetoro,” - was quite eager to make friends with all of those bug-eyed bastards, who, quite clearly, had to have been socialists.

Sigh, can you honestly believe that there are people out there that think Obama is an intergalactic, time-hopping, xenomorph-befriending teenage-astronaut wunderkind? What a stupid, unfounded, preposterous accusat…


…and all I can say about that, is a hearty, hearty “hmm?

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