Missed the first debate of the 2012 Presidential season? Here's a verbatim transcript of what was said...in REAL-SPEAK.
08:56 PM EDT - Not that it really matters, but according to the almighty Goog, Romney has a one inch height advantage over Barack Obama. No word on who has the greater reach, though.
09:02 PM EDT - On second thought, the New York Times feed blows. Time to switch to C-SPAN!
09:03 PM EDT - Aw man, I thought Obama was going to come out spider-walking like Jon Jones…
09:05 PM EDT - Obama: “We’re were going, we don’t need roads. Or taxes.”
09:07 PM EDT - Romney: “Poor people are poor, but the only way we can help them is by not helping them financially.”
09:09 PM EDT - Obama: “Education is important and stuff. Especially that math and science stuff, and whatever it is that they teach at community colleges.”
09:10 PM EDT - Obama: “My opponent wants to suck 8 trillion dollars out of the economy. Just like his mama.”
09:12 PM EDT - Romney: “The Middle class is STARVING! They can only afford to buy half as much caviar as they used to.”
09:13 PM EDT - Romney: “As we all know, private gas is the best kind of gas. And if you’re re-elected, all of those poor West Virginians will have no dank, dark shafts to fall into and get cancer anymore.”
09:15 PM EDT - Obama: “FIVE TRILLION, MAN. FIVE TRILLION. And come on, like the military actually wants more money for stuff.”
09:16 PM EDT - Romney: “I wouldn’t support my own tax plan. Oh, shi…”
09:17 PM EDT - Romney: “My children are liars.”
09:19 PM EDT - Obama: “I lowered taxes for small business <makes flashing motion with hands> eighteen times.”
09:20 PM EDT - Obama: “Donald Trump is not a small business, primarily because Donald Trump is a human being, and not an edified, institutional system that generates revenue based on wealth creation. Or hell, maybe he is. I don’t really know anymore.”
09:22 PM EDT - Romney: “If elected, I’ll make sure your Radio Shacks in St. Louis stay open, and hard.”
09:24 PM EDT - Obama: “SEVEN TRILLION. Was I saying five trillion earlier? Well, I meant seven trillion.”
09:25 PM EDT - Romney: “My plan has never been tried before in history. Well, tried while I’m president, anyway.”
09:26 PM EDT - Romney: “Solving the federal deficit is simple: we shouldn’t be in a federal deficit. Not having a federal deficit would surely keep us from having a federal deficit. And also, eff PBS.”
09:29 PM EDT - Obama: “Dude, we got drones now. What’s the point in having an air force, anyway?”
09:30 PM EDT - Obama: “You know, if the upper class actually paid taxes, we might be able to chip away at this whole federal deficit thing. Maybe.”
09:31 PM EDT - Romney: “Do I support ‘Simpson Bowls?’ Hell yeah, I love Bart and Homer!”
09:33 PM EDT - Romney: “Taxation kills jobs. My plan is to take them all to China and Indonesia, where they will be safe form being murdered by American taxes.”
09:34 PM EDT - Romney: “Spain sucks.”
09:36 PM EDT - Obama: “So, I met this one chick in Vegas last week…”
09:38 PM EDT - Romney: “Education. Children. Healthcare. Let me start by talking about the oil companies’ reputations first…”
09:40 PM EDT - Romney: “As the noble Confederacy taught us, states are what make America great, not the totality of the nation as a construct.”
09:41 PM EDT - Obama: “Independence can only be obtained when you rely upon the government to use other peoples’ money to pay your medical bills.”
09:43 PM EDT - Romney: “Old, worthless people? Yeah, you ain’t got nothing to worry about.”
09:44 PM EDT - Romney: “And let’s not forget about your controversial ‘death panel initiative,’ either!”
09:46 PM EDT - Obama: “And you know I’m down with AARP, like AC is down with OJ.”
09:48 PM EDT - Romney: “I’d rather have a private plan. Then again, I’ve got an extra $13 million to kick around, so take of that what you will.”
09:50 PM EDT - Romney: <grabs microphone> “Lemme tell you something, Mean Gene…”
09:51 PM EDT - Romney: “We need regulation. But not HIS kinda’ regulation, if you know what I mean.”
09:52 PM EDT - Romney: “Dodd-Frank needs to be repealed…sorta’.”
09:53 PM EDT - Obama: “So, yeah, a lot of the crap we have going on nowadays is a direct result of poor, individual decision making. Therefore, it’s time to get all sorts of New Deal up in this bitch.”
09:55 PM EDT - Romney: “I don’t know what a qualified mortgage is. I paid off mine with the change in my pocket.”
09:57 PM EDT - Romney: “Expensive things hurt families. And believe you me, my family is HURTING right now.”
09:59 PM EDT - Obama: “Dude, let’s just face it. Dying is a whole lot easier these days than filling out an intake form, anyway.”
10:00 PM EDT - Obama: “Where did I learn it? I LEARNED IT FROM YOU, DAD!”
10:03 PM EDT - Romney: “ So, yeah, that means the next President better have some really long arms, then.”
10:06 PM EDT - Romney: “Under my plan, preexisting conditions are covered. With a band-aid, because that’s all I’m going to give you.”
10:08 PM EDT - Romney: “Federal government should not take over healthcare. By golly, that’s what states are for.”
10:09 PM EDT - Obama: “Nice plan you have there, buddy. You know, the one that’s all invisible and shit.”
10:14 PM EDT - Obama: “And that’s while he was STILL fighting all of those damn vampires, too.”
10:15 PM EDT - Obama: “I was talking to this dude in Europe the other day, and he was telling me about this ‘education’ thing…”
10:16 PM EDT - Romney: “It’s the government’s obligation to protect vague, ill-defined abstract concepts.”
10:17 PM EDT - Romney: “I’m telling you, trickle down economics are going to work this time, for sure.”
10:18 PM EDT - Obama: “Budgets reflect choices. And we’re all out of choices.”
10:20 PM EDT - Obama: “Because community colleges are the veritable heart of this nation, right?”
10:23 PM EDT - Romney: “Well, there’s no way private sectors could improve with government funding.”
10:24 PM EDT - Romney: “On day one, I’m going to sit down, and talk to some Democrats. As long as there’s nothing good on, anyway.”
10:27 PM EDT - Obama: “Sometimes, you have got to say ‘no.’ And that works in both English and Spanish, so it’s like, double-effective.”
10:29 PM EDT - Obama: “This election season, let’s not forget America’s most valuable natural resource; grit. Although, truthfully, I prefer oatmeal.”
10:30 PM EDT - Romney: “Obama will squeeze the middle class, while I will create a million, billion jobs using money that rich people will surely not spend on themselves and their respective interests.”
10:31 PM EDT - Jim Lehrer: “Well, that’s all the time we have for tonight, folks. And excuse me, I think I’ll go dunk my head into a trough of whiskey real quick, and drown away the sorrows of this evening…”
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