Monday, November 26, 2012

LIVE Play-By-Play From Week 12’s Raiders vs. Bengals Game

Stream-of-consciousness notes from a long-suffering Oakland Raiders fanatic…

12:30 PM  EST - Well, it’s the last week of November, and the Raiders are already mathematically eliminated from playoff contention. At this point, I will be happy if Oakland can mount just six wins for the entire 2012 season. And the sad part? That odds of them going at least 0.375 in the win column before New Year’s Day is about as likely as an MC Hammer comeback.

12:37 PM EST - I guess I really don’t need to tell you about the back story behind this afternoon’s game. Carson Palmer, after single-handedly crushing every dream I’ve ever had for the last two seasons, returns to Cincinnati, to led a defensively stunted Raiders squad against his ex-team - a 5-5 team that’s won their last two games by a combined point spread of 59-19. And the Raiders are DEAD LAST defensively in 2012, posting a league-high 32.2 points allowed PER GAME.

12:41 PM EST - Oh shit, and I almost forgot; our ex-boyfriend Bruce Gradkowksi is playing backup in Cincy, while the rest of that god-forsaken heck hole gallivants around with their new squeeze, Andy Dalton. God, I hate having sloppy seconds.

12:52 PM EST - Looks like the Raiders will be without Run-DMC for the third week in a row. Marcel Reece has impressed as Oakland’s new #1 HB, but he ain’t exactly putting up world-shattering stats, either.

12:55 PM EST - P.S.: I hate Dennis Allen, so much.

1:02 PM EST - Raiders are set to receive first here in Cincinnati.

1:04 PM EST - Looks like Oakland is trying to get the run game going early. Considering Palmer’s recent forays, I think that’s more than a wise decision.

1:05 PM EST - And Palmer gets sacked. FML already.

1:06 PM EST - Raiders with a 3rd and 14. And a good goddamn, DO I HATE CARSON PALMER.

1:10 PM EST - 3rd and 1 for the Bengals. F. My. LIFE.

1:13 PM EST - BenJarvus Green-Ellis may or may not have a touchdown. Either way, the Bengals will at least have a fresh set of downs at the Raiders’ 1, and all of a sudden, I really have to throw up.

1:15 PM EST - And the points come off the board. An utterly meaningless reprieve for the Raiders, but gosh darn it, I will take it.

1:16 PM EST - TOUCHDOWN BENGALS. Green-Ellis punches it in, and Cincy leads 7-0 with about nine minutes left in the first quarter.

1:21 PM EST - Third and five for Oakland. And a dropped pass. Of course.

1:22 PM EST - It’s not even 1:30 in the afternoon, and I already hate myself and everything in this universe.

1:23 PM EST - Total yardage estimates so far? Cincinnati, 58, Oakland, a measly eight.

1:26 PM EST - Third and six for the Bengals. And Eff this Ess like you would not believe.

1:27 PM EST - You know, I’m beginning to think this whole season has been some sort of cosmological punishment for never paying that late-fee for “Spider-Man 3” before the local Blockbuster shut down.

1:31 PM EST - Of course the Bengals would pick up the first. You knew they would.

1:32 PM EST - A holding call, but SWERVE! It’s on the Bengals. So far, that’s the most positive thing that’s gone down for the Raiders today.

1:34 PM EST - The Bengals with an apparent touchdown, but it’s under review. And yeah, it counts. 14-0, Cincinnati.

1:37 PM EST - You know, I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating: nothing good’s ever come out of Cincinnati. Ever.

1:41 PM EST - 3rd and 10 for the Raiders, and this is quickly shaping up to be Palmer’s worst performance of the year. And holy hell, is that saying something.

1:42 PM EST -

1:43 PM EST - You know, the Raiders in 2012 have kept redefining the term “nadir.” Every game, you say to yourself, “there’s no way the Raiders can play WORSE in the next game,” and then, yeah, they do.

1:45 PM EST - And the Raiders FINALLY stop Dalton on a third down. Let’s see if Oakland can, you know, make the ball go forward this time around.

1:48 PM EST - As a Raiders fan, I can safely say there hasn’t been a man this tormented by a redhead since Al Bundy.

1:55 PM EST - As a rough estimate, the Bengals have out-yarded the Raiders 165-25 so far today.

1:57 PM EST - I am absolutely flabbergasted by how awful the Raiders are in 2012. Trying to pinpoint who should receive the most blame between Dennis Allen, Mark Davis and Carson Palmer is sort of a moot point - after all, to play this horrible you HAVE to make it a collective effort.

2:01 PM EST - ANOTHER first and goal chance for the Bengals. This may in fact be the absolute worst day in the history of humanity.

2:02 PM EST - At this point, I don’t know why the Raiders D-Line DOESN’T intentionally try to cripple Andy Dalton. I mean, shit, why not.

2:03 PM EST - Everything you need to know about the 2012 season, in a nutshell: the only other Raiders fans in the pub just walked out in disgust, and it’s not even the third quarter yet. For god’s sake, even the CHIEFS fans stick around until at least the fourth.

2:06 PM EST - Yardage update? Bengals 254, Raiders…25. Twenty-five total yards, people. Twenty-five.

2:07 PM EST - You know, I could be real pissy about this game, but you know what? I have something called a “future-centric orientation” when it comes to things. Yeah, the Raiders are playing like, well, the Raiders now, but come 2034, when the Raiders finally make it back to the playoffs, I will reflect on this day, and smile, in smug acknowledgement of how far we’ve come as a organization.

02:08 PM EST - But, yeah, for the time being - GOD, I HATE EVERYBODY AND EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW.

02:10 PM EST - Well, the Raiders at least got A first down this afternoon…

02:11 PM EST - Carson Palmer and Andy Dalton reconfirm what we’ve all known for centuries: all redheaded people are worthless scum.

02:20 PM EST - Well, at least I’ve got the Los Angeles Kings to restore my sanity this April. Oh, wait.

02:23 PM EST - Thank goodness the Bengals just stoinked that field goal. I mean, a 21-point differential is surmountable, but a 24-0 spread heading into the third? Get outta’ here with that farcical shit.

02:29 PM EST - At the end of the first half, it’s Bengals 24, Raiders 0. I am now wholeheartedly convinced that the University of Northern Illinois could probably beat Oakland in an exhibition game.

02:32 PM EST - Yardage update: Bengals, 289, Raiders 83. Football is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

02:37 PM EST - You know, it takes a man with a lot of decency in his heart to watch something he loves dump nothing but unfettered misery on his lap this much. I’ve never thought about cheating on my spouse before, but when your soul mate treats you like this? I gotta’ admit, folks, the glimmer of red and gold is looking mighty damn alluring these days…

02:51 PM EST - Running, passing, defense, special teams - the Raiders can’t do ANYTHING right this season. I fully expect them to sleep in and forget to show up next week against Cleveland.

02:53 PM EST - This is easily the worst collective Raiders performance I have EVER seen. And that’s going back to the days when Andrew Walter and Daunte Culpepper were competing for first string QB.

02:55 PM EST - Fine, I’ll say it: JAMARCUS RUSSELL would do a better job as starter than Carson Palmer. Honest to god, if his worthless ass isn’t unemployed next week, I am going to…um, hope he isn’t employed in the subsequent week, I guess.

02:59 PM EST - And the Raiders STOP the Bengals on third down! That’s a really minimal achievement, but considering this team’s defense, it’s like watching them win ten Super Bowls in a row.

03:04 PM EST - It’s amazing to me how a human being could have so much optimism about things at noon, and by three o’clock, he’s ready to drink premium gasoline and swallow a match. Thank you, Raiders, for making my will to live a lot more suspect than I thought it was.

03:07 PM EST - And Dalton gets sacked. Unfortunately, Philip Wheeler didn’t give him a Bas Rutten liver punch while he was down.

03:13 PM EST - Marcel Reece with the best Raiders run of the day. Hell, who am I kidding - practically the only Raiders run of the day thus far.

03:14 PM EST - TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS! Palmer connects with Denarius Moore to make this one a 24-10 game. Can the Raiders stage an epic comeback this evening in Cincinnati? (A: No. No, they cannot.)

03:18 PM EST - Andy Dalton eats dirt again! It only took three and a half hours, but the Raiders finally seem to realize this isn’t a scrimmage game.

03:23 PM EST - And the Raiders turn the ball over. Ohio shouldn’t even be a state.

03:24 PM EST -

03:30 PM EST - And a Bengals field goal makes this one a 27-10 game. This season is so done, you can’t even chew it.

03:36 PM EST - Jeremy Stewart with a 26 yard gain, followed up by a 10 yard rush by Marcel Reece. Do the Raiders really need a pass game anymore?

03:40 PM EST - Raiders with a 3 and 24. And since Palmer is the QB, you can take a wild guess what ends up happening next.

03:42 PM EST - After this season, I think the Raiders might as well change their motto from “Commitment to Excellence” to “Well, at least we have a good punter.”

03:50 PM EST - And oh hell, we’ve got ourselves an on-field melee. Expect some ejections momentarily.

03:55 PM EST - Two Raiders defensemen get booted, while one member of the Cincinnati O-Line gets tossed. If the Raiders defense doesn’t turn into the Hanson Brothers from “Slap Shot” for the next five games, I am going to be plenty pissed.

4:00 PM EST - With less than four minutes to go, the net yardage estimates are fairly one-sided: the Bengals have 411, while the Raiders have just 205.

4:03 PM EST - And Dalton chunks in another TD, and if you are a Raiders fan, you ultimately have no reason to live until at least next September.

4:11 PM EST - A dropped pass on 4th down, and this game is over, and hard.

4:13 PM EST - Our final score today in Southern Ohio? Bengals 34, Raiders 10. I hate football, with a passion.

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