Sunday, November 17, 2013

My LIVE(ish) Play-By-Play from Week 11's Raiders vs. Texans Game

12:30 PM EST -- Technically...technically...the Raiders aren't eliminated from playoff contention yet. That said, we all know the season is pretty much over and done with, and the only thing really on the line from here on out is pride...and by pride, I mean "doing better than 4-12, hopefully." 

12:32 PM EST -- The big story this week, of course, is that Terrelle Pryor is out with a knee injury, so our starter in Houston will be Matt McGloin. 

12:37 PM EST -- The Texans lead the all-time series 5-2. Obviously, Ed Reed got sent packing earlier in the week, and under-performing running back Arian Foster is on injured reserve for the evening. Of course, the Raiders' OWN under-performing running back is also out of action this evening, so maybe it's all a wash, then?

12:41 PM EST -- The Texans are 0-7 after starting out the season 2-0. So far, the highlight of their season has been their head coach having a seizure on the sideline. As a Raiders fan, consider me highly envious. 

12:44 PM EST -- Houston has more overall yards per game and more aggregate passing yards than Oakland, while the Raiders have a slight run game advantage. In terms of team defense, the Texans are also allowing less yardage per game overall as well  as in the air, while the Raiders are marginally better at stopping the ball on the ground. 

12:49 PM EST -- Case Keenum is the starting QB for the Texans, which effectively makes this afternoon's game sort of a reverse Tom Brady/Peyton Manning gun fight, essentially. 

1:03 PM EST -- Texans begin on offense. And the ball carrier is CRUSHED behind the line of scrimmage on first down.

1:05 PM EST -- Second and 13, and Tate nearly has enough for the first. AND THE TEXANS COUGH IT UP! Raiders takes over on offense at Houston's 20. 

1:07 PM EST -- That was Charles Woodson with the defensive scoop up, by the way. A third and short situation for Oakland approaches. 

1:08 PM EST -- And the Raiders have enough for a new set of downs. Ten yards until paydirt. 

1:09 PM EST -- False start call on the Raiders, so that'll push them back a couple of yards for a do-over on 1st. 

1:10 PM EST -- Not much going in the red zone. Third down coming up.


1:12 PM EST -- McGloin with a laser to Denarius Moore for a five yard TD reception. 7-0 Raiders early in the first quarter.

1:17 PM EST -- Texans begin their next drive from about their own 20. A third and short is coming up.

1:18 PM EST -- And the Texans come up short. The Texans punting unit takes the field. 

1:19 PM EST -- The Raiders will start at about their own 25. They've ran one pass play so far today...which lead to a touchdown. Not that I'm hinting, or anything...

1:20 PM EST -- Goddamn, the Bushes are in attendance for today's game! And I'm not talking about Reggie or Michael's kinfolk, either. 

1:22 PM EST -- Third and five (or six, or seven) coming up. Well, actually, a third and three. And the Raiders pick up the first. Mcgloin is 3-3 on passes so far this afternoon.

1:24 PM EST -- And Reece drops a pass at midfield that probably would've been a TD. This McGloin kid can throw, that's for damn sure.

1:25 PM EST -- Personal foul on the Raiders sets them back 15 yards. It's third and 17 now. And a shuttle pass behind the line of scrimmage that goes nowhere. Time for Oakland to punt.

1:27 PM EST --A holding call on the Texans will put them back a couple of yards on their next drive. 

1:30 PM EST -- AND THE RAIDERS INTERCEPT KEENUM! That's Houston's second turnover of the day. 


1:32 PM EST -- McGloin with a 16-yard bullet pass to Rod Streater, which is followed up by a rarely called taunting penalty on Oakland. Regardless, it remains 14-0 Raiders in Ron Paul's earmark-clogged backyard

1:36 PM EST -- Second and 7 for Houston. And an enormous pick up for the Texans follows suit, nearly putting them into field goal territory.

1:37 PM EST -- Second and 12. And no gain as the Raiders blitz.

1:38 PM EST -- AND KEENUM GETS SACKED! The Raiders defense is looking downright monstrous this afternoon. 

1:40 PM EST -- And a holding call on the Raiders sets them back several yards on their first play of the drive.

1:41 PM EST -- Raiders facing third down as the first quarter concludes. 

1:45 PM EST -- 4th and 1, and here come Marquette King. And a holding call on Houston will push them back a couple of yards. 

1:46 PM EST -- Keenum with damn near a 50 yard pass to Andre Johnson.

1:47 PM EST -- A missed tackle, and it's a third and one situation for the Texans. 


1:49 PM EST -- Keenum to Graham for a 42 yard touchdown pass that really should've been a sack for a 20 yard loss. 14-7, with the Raiders up by a touchdown.

1:50 PM EST -- Yardage estimates thus far: Texans, 132, Raiders, 68.

1:51 PM EST -- And McGloin with a 33 yard pass to Holmes. The Raiders are now stationed at the midfield logo. 

1:54 PM EST -- Third and six. And Streater drops the pass. The Texans take the field at their own 15.

1:58 PM EST -- First and 15 for the Texans. Now it's a third and 5. 

1:59 PM EST -- And a false start on the Texans makes it a third and 10. 

2:00 PM EST -- The Texans can't reel it in, so it's time for Houston to punt.

2:04 PM EST -- A third and six situation for the Raiders. And nothing going on that, so the Raiders' punting unit hits the field. If you really, really like punts, you'd probably enjoy the hell out of this one. 

2:08 PM EST -- About six minutes left in the half. A third and two situation for Houston. And Keenum gets chased out of the pocket and bounces it. 

2:09 PM EST -- Texans have to punt. If I did a shot every time I saw Marquette King on the field, I'd be hospitalized with alcohol poisoning by now.

2:12 PM EST -- Third and one for the Raiders. And a false start flag on the Raiders. Glorious. 

2:13 PM EST -- So it's a third and six now. And Moore can't reel it in. 


2:15 PM EST-- Keyshawn Martin with an 87 yard punt return for a TD. It's all knotted up, 14-14. 

2:16 PM EST -- Well, this is turning out like many a Raiders game. Even with an accurate passer in the pocket, you still can't count on shit with this offense.

2:18 PM EST -- And McGloin gets dropped for a loss. Second and 20 for the Raiders. And a third and...15...coming up.

2:20 PM EST -- And wheel out the punting unit ONE MORE TIME, folks!

2:21 PM EST -- About two and a half left in the second quarter, The Raiders are out of timeouts. 

2:22 PM EST -- Two minute warning, and the Texans are getting pretty close to Raiders territory. 

2:25 PM EST -- Raiders blitz, and the Texans have a 2 and 10 situation on their hands.

2:26 PM EST -- Third down on the horizon. And they pick it up.

2:27 PM EST -- Second and 10 with one minute and thirteen seconds on the clock. The Texans are stopped in bounds on a third and five Hail Mary that's almost picked off by a Raiders defender. 

2:28 PM EST -- A 51 yard FG attempt is GOOD. Texans take the lead, 17-14. 

2:30 PM EST -- 40 seconds left in the half. And the Raiders get possession at their own 20. 

2:32 PM EST -- Second and 13 for the Raiders. Thirty three seconds to go. And they don't even give a fuck. The clock runs out, and it's time for a very stern lecturing in the Raiders' locker room.

2:33 PM EST -- Well, the Raiders defense looked really, really good in the first quarter, and McGloin looked like a real-life NFL quarterback. Then, the second quarter happened, and the Raiders D decides to allow 17 unanswered points while the team's receiving crew decide to collectively forget how their own fingers work. 

2:36 PM EST -- Shit, I don't even know what to say about this one. Hold on to the ball, fellas? More blitzes? Make tackles instead of not making tackles? Really, you can just list ALL of the criticisms you can lob at a football team, and it would probably be appropriate for the Raiders' current predicament. 

2:37 PM EST -- Elsewhere in the league: the Bills are slaying the Jets by 20, the Eagles are pounding the Redskins into submission, the Steelers are cosplaying as bumblebees and a tornado just destroyed Soldier Field. 

2:41 PM EST -- Just so you know: a dude brought his eight year old kid into a SPORTS BAR. You'd think the part about it being a SPORTS BAR would, you know, make you not think about bringing a kid into something called a SPORTS BAR. 

2:43 PM EST -- Yardage count at halftime: 192 for Houston, 126 for Oakland.

2:46 PM EST -- Remember: November is yellow ribbon awareness month.

2:47 PM EST -- And the Raiders get possession first. And also, a holding penalty, because dabnabbit, they're still the Raiders. 

2:49 PM EST -- And Streater hauls in a pass for a first down. Jennings up the gut for about five yards on first down.

2:50 PM EST -- Third and one. And Jack. And Shit. 

2:51 PM EST -- King comes out to punt. And the Texans will be starting within their own twenty.

2:54 PM EST -- And Tate is dropped behind the line for a loss. Apparently, the Texans, statistically, are supposed to really start sucking in the third quarter. 

2:55 PM EST -- Third and four. And the Texans are going to have to punt. 

2:56 PM EST -- You know, Jacoby Ford is a much better punt returner than he is a wide out. Just saying. 

2:57 PM EST -- The Raiders with a massive pick-up, but a flag is on the field. AND AGAINST HOUSTON, FOR A CHANGE. 

3:00 PM EST -- Raiders now within field goal range...probably. Third and nine approaches. 

3:02 PM EST -- AND THE RAIDERS CONVERT! Oakland is now within the Texans' red zone.

3:03 PM EST -- Holding call on the Raiders, so now it's 1st and 20.


3:05 PM EST -- McGloin with his third TD pass of the day with a 26 yard bomb to Mychal Rivera. 21-17, Oakland. 

3:09 PM EST --Third and nine coming up for the Texans, with a revitalized Raiders' D really putting some pressure on Keenum.

3:10 PM EST -- A sack, a fumble, and a Raiders tackle behind the line. Houston's gotta' punt.

3:14 PM EST -- Offsides on Houston. And Rashad Jennings with a double digit run. 

3:15 PM EST -- Third and about a dozen following a busted play. And the Raiders are a few yards short of the first. Out comes Sea-bass. 

3:16 PM EST -- And the 54 yard attempt is no good. Well, I hope that doesn't come back to haunt them later...

3:18 PM EST -- Texans take over at their own 40. And a Keenum pass is dangerously close to being picked off. 

3:21 PM EST -- The Raiders blitz continues. Third and 10 coming up. Looks like the Texans will be a yard short of the pick up.


3:23 PM EST -- Rashad Jennings with an 80-yard touchdown run! 28-17 Oakland, with about two and a half minutes left in the third quarter.

3:26 PM EST -- Andre Johnson with a catch at midfield. Second and five coming up. And oh shit, Keenum just got benched. ENTER THE SCHAUB! 

3:27 PM EST -- The Texans go for it on 4th and 2 and get called for holding. That brings out the punting unit, obviously.

3:30 PM EST -- Yardage count? Raiders, 333, Texans, 232. 

3:32 PM EST -- Third and eight for the Raiders. And Oakland appears two yards short of the pick up, as the fourth quarter begins.

3:35 PM EST -- The Texans take the field around their own 30. Schaub is in the backfield, and his first toss is a sizable pick up around midfield.

3:37 PM EST -- And Houston is getting pretty close to the Oakland red zone. Third and six for Houston.

3:38 PM EST -- False start on the Texans. Let's make that a third and 11 instead, why don't we?

3:39 PM EST -- And a pass interference call on the Raiders gives the Texans a 1st and goal opportunity.

3:40 PM EST -- Third and goal after the ball is nearly picked off by a Raiders defender. This upcoming play is huge. 

3:42 PM EST -- And the Texans falter. Out comes Randy Bullock, who makes this one an eight point game. 28-20, Raiders.

3:47 PM EST -- Third and eight for the Raiders. And the Raiders are challenging an incomplete pass call -- if it's overturned, that puts Oakland deep into Texan territory.

3:53 PM EST -- But it's not overturned, and the Texans will take possession around their own 40.

3:55 PM EST -- Second and ten, with the Texans at midfield. 

3:56 PM EST -- Houston converts; they're slowly creeping their way into Raiders territory now.

3:57 PM EST -- Offsides on the Raiders. Texans well into the Raiders' red zone now.

3:58 PM EST -- And Tate is dropped for a loss. Nine minutes to go in the quarter, it's 2 and 13 for Houston. 

4:00 PM EST -- Third and nine. A HUGE play coming up here. And no dice. The Texans will have to go for a field goal instead.

4:01 PM EST -- 28-23 Raiders, with eight minutes left in the game. 

4:04 PM EST -- Raiders beginning at their own 20. Third and five coming up.

4:05 PM EST -- And the Raiders have to punt it away. Seven minutes left in regulation.

4:08 PM EST -- Third and 10 coming up for Houston. They're stuck deep in their own territory, and the Raiders D is blitzing like crazy.

4:09 PM EST -- Texans gotta' punt. Will the Raiders play it safe and try to run out the clock, or are they going to reach for their dagger here and put this one away for good?

4:12 PM EST -- Raiders with a third and one. About five minutes left in the quarter. 


4:16 PM EST -- Third and 10 for the Raiders. Four minutes left. 

4:17 PM EST -- And McGloin slips in the pocket. F. M. L. 

4:18 PM EST -- Raiders punt. A roughing the kicker call on Houston, however, allows Oakland to re-kick.

4:19 PM EST -- Houston will start at about their own 35. 

4:21 PM EST -- Andre Johnson pulls it in. Texans nearing mid-field. 

4:22 PM EST -- And Houston's in the red zone. To hell with all of this. 

4:23 PM EST -- Two minute warning. Houston has at least three shots at the endzone. Where's the ghost of Al Davis when you need him?

4:26 PM EST -- Third and one. Well, never say Raiders games aren't exciting. And also tragic.

4:27 PM EST -- And Woodson has to leave the backfield. Even better. 

4:28 PM EST -- And the running back is dropped behind the line. One minute to go...this is the ball game, folks.

4:29 PM EST -- Woodson is back in. AND THE RAIDERS D MAKES THE STOP! But there's a holding call, so they get ANOTHER SHOT at fourth down!

4:30 PM EST -- ...but it don't matter, because Schaub can' t hit shit. Turnover on downs, and the Raiders are a WINNER deep in the heart of Texas!

4:31 PM EST -- Well, the Raiders improve to 4-6, which means we are officially AS good (if not better) than last year's dismal squad. And with McGloin actually able to hit a receiver every now and then, this surely means there won't be a quarterback controversy in Oakland. Nope, that would never, ever happen. Ever. 

4:33 PM EST -- And our final score in Houston? Raiders 28, Texans 23. 

4:34 PM EST -- With a passion?


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