Monday, April 21, 2014

100 Potential Names for Atlanta's New MLS Team

Atlanta was recently awarded an expansion franchise by Major League Soccer. Here's one hundred potential nicknames for the ATL's latest pro sports team...

Soccer is a sport with huge appeal to Atlanta's growing Hispanic population, which is something that is looked upon favorably by all of metro-Atlanta's residents. 

  • The Atlanta Sex Traffickers --  quaint local behaviors have always been a staple of sports nicknaming: Brooklyn had its trolley Dodgers, Nebraska had its Cornhuskers and Atlanta has its shadowy human cargo economy.
  • Do Black People Really Care About Soccer FC -- the million dollar question nobody in Atlanta has the balls to ask, even if you gave the question asker one million dollars.
  • The Atlanta White People Pretending to Care in Order to Appear Cultured -- an expected 75 percent of season ticket holders will consist of said demographic.
  • The Dribbling Dead -- because there's some kind of zombie show filmed in Atlanta or something. 
  • The Atlanta ATL -- because calling any other city's team the "ATL" just wouldn't make any sense. 
  • The Atlanta Hackneyed Outkast References -- which is what most suggestions for the team nickname have consisted of up to this point
  • An Excuse to Tax Hotels FC -- because honesty is always the best policy.
  • The Atlanta Publicly Financed -- when Arthur Blank said the team will be "owned" by the fans, I think he really meant to say "paid for."
  • The Atlanta Delayed Flights -- especially if there's more than an inch of snow on the ground.
  • At Least We Have a Decent Airport FC -- pretty much the standard Atlanta apologetic retort.  
  • The Atlanta Georgians -- is it really any worse than calling a team the Houston Texans?
  • The Atlanta Hashtags -- the sound of people clicking their cellphones to tweet their friends could become the team's Tomahawk Chop equivalent. 
  • Oxycontin FC -- drive twenty miles outside of Atlanta in any direction, and you'll figure out why this namesake is fitting.
  • The Atlanta 2 AM Waffle House Patrons -- Pittsburgh has its steelers, and Atlanta has its creepy-ass, almost assuredly intoxicated early morning hash brown munchers.
  • Kroger FC -- because Kroger plays such a valuable part in modern Atlanta lore
  • The Atlanta Downtown Connectors -- named after the worst thing that's happened to Atlanta since Sherman's march.
  • The Atlanta Madeas -- named after Atlanta's most important pop cultural contribution, of course.
  • The Atlanta Still Palpable Augers of Slavery -- plantations in the east, crumbling ghettos in the west, really nervous white people in the north and really bitter and dejected black folks in the south. Culturally, this may hark back to something, although I really can't put my finger on it...
  • Way More Gay People Here Then You’d Think FC -- because when it rains in Atlanta, it's always a rainin' men
  • T.I. FC -- because this new MLS team will give you, ahem, "whatever you like." (It's funny because that's the name of a T.I. song.)
  • Dem MLS Franchise Boyz -- but will league officials let them play while wearing platinum chains?
  • The Atlanta Whoomp -- an homage to local rap duo Tag Team, who in 1994, gave us the anthem of an entire generation.
  • Fuck the Georgia Dome FC -- allegedly, a bumper sticker spotted on Arthur Blank's Rolls Royce.
  • The Atlanta Vegan Girlfriends -- named after Little Five Points' most valuable societal contribution. 
  • The Atlanta Scared Old White People -- the players can wear their shorts all the way up to their belly buttons and constantly complain about an impending "race riot" instead of actually playing soccer.
  • The Atlanta Dragon*Cons -- arguably Atlanta's most popular attraction to the 18-34 demographic (and also, child predators.)
With so many themed restaurants in the area, families of all shapes and sizes should have no problem locating a fine, after-game dinner. 

  • The Atlanta Day Traders -- probably the most dangerous wildlife in the entire city.
  • The Atlanta Orange Drinkers -- goes great with a bag of rags and a bloody steak.
  • The Atlanta Wait A Minute, Don’t We Still Have the Silverbacks? -- because it's true.
  • The Atlanta Beat with Penises -- since the Beat is the name of Atlanta's all-female soccer team, this one makes more than enough sense, no?
  • The Atlanta REALLY Hoping to Capitalize on the Hispanic Market -- si se puede...profiteer!
  • The Atlanta This Sounds Really, Really Familiar For Some Reason -- and it should. For good reason.
  • Freaknik FC -- if they ever win a league championship, we have no choice but to party like it's 1995.
  • The Atlanta High Functioners -- if you've ever watched Cartoon Network programming, you'd probably agree with me. 
  • The Atlanta We Used to Have Two Hockey Teams -- two of them! Here's hoping Moose Jaw or Medicine Hat enjoys the team we send up in 2027.
  • The Atlanta Vampire Diarists -- how its any worse than calling a team "The Mighty Ducks," I'm not really sure. 
  • Deportiva Adult Swim -- because Atlanta is the world leader in hipster-manufactured bullshit, after all. 
  • The Atlanta Flaming Thrashers -- the second most homoerotic nickname imaginable...
  • The Atlanta Thrashing Flamers -- ...and the first.
  • House of Payne FC -- if we had a team in the 1980s, it probably would've been called Matlock FC.
  • The Atlanta Superfluous -- and since the CDC is headquartered in Atlanta, having a team with the words "super flu" in their nickname is all kinds of awesome.
  • The Atlanta Expansion -- because meta is the "in" thing at the moment.
  • Chicken and Grits FC -- alongside overpriced indie beer, components of most Atlantans' breakfasts.
  • The Atlanta Bobby Browns -- fans can threaten to beat the opposing team "like Whitney" as part of a cheerful, family-friendly pre-game ritual. 
  • The Atlanta Successful Black Females -- instead of playing, the team can just watch Bravo with their girlfriends and complain about not being able to land a husband. 
  • Fulton County Jail FC -- it's where half of Atlanta's pro sports stars wind up, anyway.
  • The Atlanta Kooky, Presumably Homeless Street Performers -- travel to Ponce de Leon Ave., and you'll figure out why this one gets an official nod.
  • The Atlanta Unhealthy Eaters -- because if you live in the ATL, you don't really have any other choice.
  • The Georgia Forced -- a great pun, especially if you're one of those Tea Party types that don't won't your tax monies going to finance a new Dome.

Contrary to popular misconception, relics of antiquated racial prejudices have all but disappeared from the metro-Atlanta area. 

  • Trying to Downplay Local Confederate History FC -- just pray that ticket buyers don't decide to travel north up I-75 to Kennesaw after the game. 
  • Failed Public School System FC -- because it's far and away the most terrifying thing about the city
  • The Atlanta Violent Criminals -- if nothing else, it's a statistically appropriate nickname.
  • The Atlanta Child Murderers -- it's certainly more historically fitting than the Hawks, at least. 
  • The Atlanta Abortion Clinic Bombers -- see above
  • Clermont Lounge FC -- a loving ode to Atlanta's most famous building
  • The Atlanta Wolfmen -- encouraging fans to "ask for Donna" would be a real hoot and a half. 
  • TitleMax FC -- it's not really the holiday season in Atlanta until you start seeing this commercial playing every five minutes on Peachtree TV. As far as Atlanta iconography goes, its hard to beat the images contained therein.
  • Bad Street Atlanta, FC -- the meanest damn street, in the whole U.S. of A, is worth naming a pro sports team after.
  • The Atlanta Foxworthies -- because he's still, somehow, our cultural ambassador to the world at large
  • Why Are There So Many Assholes on Bicycles FC -- because if there's one thing Atlanta needs, its a reason for traffic to be even slower. A fitting, albeit frustrating, symbol of the city itself.
  • The Atlanta Underemployed Grad Students -- it would make for a hell of a logo, at least.
  • The Atlanta 2,5,6 and 11 -- only REAL Atlantans should be able to get this one.
  • The Atlanta Black Crackers (of Soccer) -- because those who forget history are destined to exploit it for future profits
  • The Atlanta Humidity -- the arch foe of many a towering hairdo in the Dogwood City. At any given moment, the thing responsible for at least 80 percent of the city's concomitant woes. 
  • Designing Women FC -- because ain't nobody going to fuck with the Sugarbakers, that's why.
  • The Atlanta Groupons -- since most Atlanta residents wouldn't go to a soccer game without an online discount. 
  • MARTA FC -- to commemorate a quarter century of the city providing urbanites with the finest public transportation system in the nation.
  • The Atlanta Rolled Up Windows -- named after the instinctual first move of anyone traveling down Moreland Ave. 
  • The Atlanta Paternalistic Whites -- because nothing says Atlanta quite like well to do white people, who are more concerned about the plight of poor black people than poor black people themselves. 
  • Surrounded by Dope Fiends FC -- Cherokee, Bartow, half an hour in any direction, and you'll be sure to encounter some colorful exurban residents. 
  • The Atlanta Vacant Shopping Centers -- because in Atlanta, there's more empty commercial space than there is greenery. 
  • The Atlanta Chipotles -- since overpriced burrito bowls are the proverbial lifesblood of the city.
  • The Spirit of ‘96 -- an ode to simpler days, when Coca-Cola could buy an international competition and guys that really, really hate gays could blow stuff up, all indiscriminately and what-not. 
  • The Atlanta Crank Addicts -- it makes sense as an official nickname. I mean, you're not supposed to slow down in soccer, right?
  • The Atlanta Bad Ideas -- because sometimes, the obvious is so obvious you don't even need hindsight


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