Friday, August 19, 2016

Live Round-By-Round Coverage of UFC 202: Diaz vs. McGregor 2!

Keep refreshin' that browser folks ... we're going to keep you keyed into the most anticipated rematch of the year (and the undercard bouts, frankly, you couldn't give less of a damn about) all night long.

By: Jimbo X

This is what we sometimes like to call "the MMA re-do." You see, back in March, million-dollar UFC posterboy Conor McGregor was supposed to fight Rafael dos Anjos in a fight that would've possibly made him the first person in UFC history to hold two belts in two weight classes simultaneously. Alas, things went awry and dos Anjos pulled out of the bout just days before the PPV, so Dana White and company instead whipped together a 170 pound catchweight main event with McGregor moving up three weight classes to go toe-to-toe with Nate "I Try When I Want To" Diaz. The rest, as they say (who is "they," by the way?) is history: after McGregor drubbed Diaz for the first five minutes, he gassed hard, allowing Diaz the opportunity to start landing fist-burgers of his own before reversing Conor's ill-advised takedown attempt late in the second round into a rather-easy-looking rear naked choke submission victory. 

Needless to say, that is not the outcome the UFC wanted, nor probably expected. Their big breakout star was supposed to mop the cage with the younger Diaz, but oops, he got choked out instead. Even now, if you press your ear hard enough to the Western wind, you can hear the Fertitas lamenting just how much fucking money that fight cost them in the long haul. So what we got here at UFC 202 out in Las Vegas is a highly touted rematch, not cobbled together with hours to go before the PPV proper begins, but with ample time for both competitors to get their camps together and adequately prepare to do battle with one another. That first fight, the narrative goes, was a fluke. Now that both men had the time and the resources to get their shit together, whoever wins will definitely be considered the better overall fighter, and ain't no excuses going to cut it. 

So yeah, there is a lot of hype behind the main event at UFC 202, and considering the dynamic fighting styles of the headliners, we very well could have ourselves a war for the ages. Granted, the undercard isn't exactly the pinnacle of mixed martial arts, but we've still got Donald Cerrone and Anthony Johnson fighting, which usually means somebody is about to get hit in the head really, really hard regardless. Anyhoo, be sure to bookmark this page, as we'll begin our patented, one-of-a-kind, industry-standard-setting round-by-round coverage at 10 p.m., New York City time. And we ain't bullshitting about hitting the refresh button - this here blog is going to be updated faster than a Demetrious Johnson uppercut, with keen analysis and lighting-quick results posted before the blood even has time to dry on the canvas. 

And we are coming to you LIVE from the new hockey arena out in Vegas. As always, our hosts are Mike Goldberg (sporting a stupid Ryan Seacrest spiked hair gel unicorn hairdo) and Joe Rogan (who is sans hair, of any variety.)  

Rogan recounts the weigh-in shenanigans over the week, when McGregor tossed water bottles at Diaz. He says Conor's trash talk has no effect on Nate, because growing up with Nick made him naturally immune. No, really. 

Welterweight Bout
Tim Means (25-7-1-0) vs. Sabah Homasi (11-5-0-0)

Yes, the Sabah "The Punisher" Homasi is being featured on a PPV card people are expected to pay money to witness. If you're not familiar with Homasi or his opponent, long-time journeyman Tim Means, you don't need too much background, I reckon. Homasi was on TUF 21 and had literally one fight in Strikeforce, went 1-1 in Bellator and has largely been dicking around in the minor, minor leagues for the last two years. Means, on the other hand, has been fighting professionally since 2004, with notable UFC victories over such illustrious competitors as George Sullivan and Dhiego Lima. But, hey you never know: with the spotlight on them, they might just surprise all of us and roll out something that doesn't resemble wholly interchangeable, Fox Sports 1-caliber prelim ennui. Like I said, though, maybe.

Homasi comes out to "Without Me" but Eminem. Now Goldberg is telling us his nickname is "The Problem" and not "The Punisher." Means comes out to some slow-ass hip-hop song that sounds like either DMX or Ja Rule. Good to see neither of these guys are keen on rap music made after the year 2002, anyway. Oh, and this match is brought to you by the new movie Hands of Stone. Shit, how many boxing-related movies is Robert de Niro going to star in? 

Homasi with a good jab early. Means responds with a hard shot of his own. Sabah pushed up against the cage. He evades some hard throws from Means. Sabah back pedals. Means with a knee and Sabah responds with a takedown. Means scrambling. He's back up. Means pushing forward. Now he's working for a takedown from the clinch. Sabah connects with a few. Means tags him with a knee. Sabah backed up against the cage again. He shoots for a takedown and he gets it. Means pounding Sabah with hard elbow shots on the ground. He's back up. Sabah misses on a head kick. Means with another hard knee. Sabah bleeding like a stuck pig now. Sabah with an uppercut and Means lands a quick jab in response. Means with another nasty elbow strike. Sabah whiffs on a spin kick. Means almost connects on a spinning elbow. Another elbow from Means. A quick exchange as the bell sounds. I've got it 10-9 for Means.

Round 2. Sabah looks gassed as fuck. Means with a high kick. Sabah getting chased down. Means with a good combo. He backs off. Sabah bleeding like crazy again. Another one-two combo from Means. Sabah with a body kick. Means responds with some brutal elbow shots to the midsection. Sabah pressed against the cage. He rattles off several knees and some nasty elbows. He takes his foot of the gas again, presses Sabah to the cage and rattles off another series of beautiful jabs. He rattles off about five or six left-right combinations and Herb Dean says "that's it, folks."

Means is declared winner by TKO at 2:56 of the second round. In the post fight, Rogan brings up the fact the Means tested positive for some banned substances and even though he won, he should probably still feel bad about all that shit he did back in the day. Anyway, "The Dirty Bird" absolutely outclassed Homasi tonight, who in hindsight, probably never should have been booked for the bout in the first place. 

Welterweight Bout
Hyun Gyu Lim (13-5-1-0) vs. Mike Perry (6-0-0-0)

Lim is a veteran South Korean slugger whose biggest wins under the (former) Zuffa banner have been over the likes of Pascal Krauss and Takenori Sato, or as they are more commonly referred to, "I don't know who that first guy is" and "seriously, who the fuck is he supposed to be?" Perry is a 24-year-old organization newcomer, who is currently undefeated, having knocked out all half a dozen competitors before him while earning a paycheck scrapping in organizations with names like Square Ring Promotions and Florida Championship Fighting. So, all that to say ... I have no idea what the hell to expect out of this one. 

Perry comes out to ... rap? Of some kind? In a first, the examiners outside the Octagon scold him for having fingernails that are too long, so he has to chew them off before he gets into the cage. Lim comes out to something that also sounds like "the rap music," but I have no idea who. Or what. 

Lim, at 6'3' absolutely towers over Perry. Perry with a hard shot, and then he trips. He's back up. Perry is literally having to jump up to aim for Lim's head. This is like watching a DREAM FC fight from 2008 or something. As soon as I type that, of course Perry drops his giant ass with a hard shot. Now Perry has Lim in the crucifix mount and he's getting hit a million billion times, but somehow, he snakes out. Then Perry rocks him AGAIN! Perry dropping more bombs from the top. Perry grinding Lim out from the ground. Lim, somehow, is back up and Perry drops him AGAIN! All right, the ref has to stop this shit, and he does. Whew, that was like watching Little Mac knockout Great Tiger in Punch-Out!!

Perry is declared the winner by TKO at 3:38 of the very first round. Even better, the dude sounds JUST like Riff-Raff in his post-fight interview with Rogan.

Dwight Howard of the Atlanta Hawks is booed, while Demetrious Johnson and Dominick Cruz receive heavy cheers. Oh, time for a promo for UFC 205 in MSG - will a main event, or really ANY match, finally be announced? As it turns out ... no, no it will not. But hey, UFC 206 will be in Toronto, with the big New Year's Eve show set for Dec. 30 in Vegas, so I guess that's something news worthy. 

Welterweight Bout
Rick Story (19-8-0-0) vs. Donald Cerrone (30-7-0-1)

Hey, lookee here, a fight not only featuring people we've heard of before, but actually want to see in the Octagon! Rick Story is a guy that's been in the UFC since 2009, but there's not really a name for what kind of fighter he's supposed to be. He's not really marketable enough to be considered a gatekeeper, but he nonetheless manages to win enough to keep from falling into irrelevancy. Currently on a three-fight winning streak, he's set to tango with Donald "Cowboy" Cerrone, the longtime WEC holdover who's probably best known for fighting anyone, anywhere, for any reason, at any weight class (remember, this is the dude who fought five times in 2011 - and oh yeah, he won every last one of them.) Cowboy enters this one having gone 10-1 in his last eleven fights, complete with back-to-back victories over Patrick Cote and Alex Oliveira. With Cerrone still getting a feeling for the 170-pound division, this could actually prove an interesting little contest - with a very high probability of someone getting their gourd slapped off their neck, of course.  

Cerrone comes out to Kid Rock's "Cowboy," as always. Meanwhile, Story comes out to what sounds like a crappy post-"St. Anger" Metallica song - well, that, or some random nu-metal track you probably would've heard inside a titty bar at 3 p.m. on a Wednesday in 2008.

The two trade heavy hands right out the gate. Story appears to be the quicker man, but Cerrone quickly lands a takedown. Story is vertical, and he bullies Cerrone up against the cage. He gets a leg sweep and Cerrone goes down. But oh shit, Cerrone almost has an omoplata, then a triangle, sunk in. Story survives, then temporarily has Cerrone's back. He gets some hard knees in, but nothing too substantial. Cerrone back up, and the two are swinging again. Cerrone with a hard knee, Story with a kick to the midsection. Cerrone with a jab and a leg kick combo. Story whiffs on a high kick. Cerrone tags Story about four or five times, but Story doesn't go down. Cerrone rattles off two more hard shots that stagger Story before the bell sounds. 10-9 for Cerrone. 

Round two. Cerrone connects on a light head kick. He stuffs a takedown attempt by Story. Cerrone with another hard jab. And Cowboy gets another heavy one-two combo in. Cerrone with more leg kicks. Story gets tagged with a hard midsection shot and Cerrone swarms him with knees, kicks and heavy jabs. Story is down, Cerrone is hammering him and the ref waves it off. 

Cerrone is declared the winner by TKO at 2:02 in the second round. He dons the ceremonial ten gallon hat and can of Monster in the post-fight. He says he wants to drop down to 155 and challenge Eddie Alvarez for the Lightweight title in New York. Well shit, I'd like to see that.

David Spade and Daniel Cormier are both in the house. But unfortunately, not for a remake of Tommy Boy, as we had all hoped.

And time for the hard sell for our co-main event. 

Light Heavyweight Bout
Anthony Johnson (21-5-0-0) vs. Glover Teixeira (25-4-0-0)

Good old Rumble. The MMA vet always brings the ruckus, but usually at the expense of half his purse because the dude just can't avoid the twinkies and Burger King during weight cuts. Regardless of Johnson's inability to meet the appropriate poundage ahead of contests, he's nonetheless one bad motherfucker, having last been seen punching Ryan Bader so hard he undoubtedly forgot half the color wheel. That said, Brazilian slugger Glover T. ain't exactly a slouch, neither, as apparent by his three fight win streak, complete with impressive victories over OSP, Patrick Cummins and whatever was left of Rashad Evans' career. If nothing else, it should be a pretty intriguing stylistic match-up, with the close range "kill 'em on their feet" Johnson testing his meat and potatoes up against Teixeira's more ground and pound, submission-centric attack. Also, neither of these guys have a deep gas tank, so if this thing makes it to three rounds ... it probably ain't going to be pretty

Glover out to some rappity stuff that's probably in Portuguese because he's Brazilian and stuff. "He's like the Rocky of Danbury, Connecticut," Mike Goldberg says. Rumble also comes out to hip hop, and Rogan calls him the "poster boy for not cutting weight." Uh, sure you don't mean "poster boy for not making weight," Joe?

Both men swinging for the fences early. And Rumble rears back and murder-death-kills Glover with one hit. Holy shit. 

Johnson put Glover to sleep with a SATANIC uppercut just 13 seconds into round one. Glover was so out of it that when he came to, he tried to take down the referee. Johnson calls out Cormier after the fight and admonishes the fans for booing the Light Heavyweight champ. Also, it just dawns on me - Rumble look JUST like Mad TV cast member Aries Spears. 

Joe and Goldie pimp the Mickey Gall\CM Punk fight at UFC 203. Oh shit, they are doing a full fledged FS1 show about Punk's transition from 'rasslin to Ultimate Fighting. And hey, who wants them some Hands of Stone clips ahead of the main event! Speaking of the main event, let's watch one more hype video for it, why don't we?

Welterweight Bout
Nate Diaz (20-10-0-0) vs. Conor McGregor (19-3-0-0)

Well, does this one even need anymore hype? We all recall what happened the first time around (and if you don't, the UFC is screening it for free on their official YouTube channel), and now that both competitors have had time to assemble a full fight camp, we're all wondering: will all that extra prep time equal a totally different outcome from part uno? Yeah, this one doesn't really need in master salesman pitches to get you interested: it's arguably the most popular fighter in the world getting a second opportunity to redeem himself against of the most entertaining scrappers in all of MMA. Shit, even a naturally loquacious motherfucker like me understands you don't need to say much more than that: and with that in mind, howzabout we mosey on over to the cage and settle this shit on the mat instead of guesstimating what we think's going to happen on paper?  

McGregor out first to a mash-up of the theme song from Outlander (that is what that is, isn't it?) and Biggie Smalls. He gets a huge reaction initially, but it isn't as big as it has been at previous PPVs. Nate Diaz gets the first lights out treatment of the night. And of course, since Conor came out to Biggie, he HAS to come out to Tupac. So fucking perfect, right there. 

LOL at how Bruce Buffer refers to Diaz as the winner of TUF5. Leg kicks from Conor to begin. Diaz whiffs on a head kick. More Conor leg kicks. Loud "USA" chants. Diaz with a jab. More Conor leg kicks. Diaz not even bothering to check them. Conor keeps kicking. Diaz looking for some low body shots. Conor tags Diaz hard. DIAZ IS DOWN! He lets him back up. Diaz with a jab. "Ole" chants now. Conor very methodical. Diaz's face looks puffy. Conor with a good combo. Diaz looks like he is having difficulty moving forward. More leg kicks from Conor. Another hard counter shot from Conor. Another hard leg kick. Diaz really light on his lead foot now. Diaz misses on a haymaker. Conor just carving up Diaz's legs like he was 2009 Jose Aldo or something. Diaz with a shitty spin kick that doesn't even come close to landing. Conor with another hard jab as the bell sounds. 10-9 for Conor.

Round two. Diaz has a swollen face and McGregor is practically unblemished. More McGregor leg kicks. DIAZ DOWN AGAIN! McGregor lets Diaz up again. Conor drops Diaz AGAIN! Diaz back up, but he is a bloody mess. More Conor leg kicks. Diaz whiffing on his jabs. Hard uppercut to the midsection by Conor. Conor just putting on a counter-punching clinic now. Another hard leg kick. Diaz trying to chase Conor down. Diaz finally starting to land. Now MCGregor is staggered. Diaz unloading in the corner. Now it is a slugfest with thirty seconds left. A hard one to call ... maybe 10-9 for Diaz?

Round three. Is Conor gassing? Now Diaz pushing the action. Diaz rocks him and now we've got a clinch up against the cage. No dice on a Diaz takedown. Loud "Diaz" chants. Diaz gets staggered by a Conor shot. And another hard counter left from Conor. McGregor whiffs on a spin kick. Diaz in a clinch against the cage and looking for a takedown. More Conor leg kicks. Hard shot from Conor. Conor counters with a left. Minute left. Diaz with a one-two combo. He follows with a clinch. Diaz unloading up against the cage. Thirty seconds to go. Ten seconds. Conor survives, but just barely. Easy 10-9 round for Diaz.

Round four. Conor is bruised and Nate is still bleeding. More hard Conor leg kicks. Diaz bleeding heavily under his eye. Slower pace from both men. Diaz may be having difficulty seeing with so much Crimson running down his face. Conor with a good combo. Diaz with a clinch against the cage. Conor shakes off the takedown attempt. Diaz with knees to the midsection. Diaz with slow punches to the stomach of Conor. Diaz leading in total strikes at the moment. Two minutes to go. Conor flips the clinch around. Ole chant now. McGregor with a solid combo and a nice counter. Minute to go. Both dudes looked gassed as fuck. Conor pops Diaz hard twice. Twenty seconds left.  Diaz goes for a head kick and falls flat on his ass to end the round. 10-9 for Conor, for sure.

Round five - whoever wins this round WINS IT ALL. Crowd boos as Conor runs away from Diaz. Both men trading. Conor gets nothing on a flying knee attempt. Clinch against the cage. Conor has Nate's back. Diaz bleeding heavily again. Ole chants again. Another clinch against the cage. Diaz cannot get the takedown. Great defense from Conor here. Diaz with some slaps. Conor moves out of the way and Diaz flips him off. Good combo from Conor. Diaz looking for another takedown. Diaz with a big elbow. Two minutes left. Clinch against the cage, redux. Diaz just cannot get the double leg. One minute left. Conor has Diaz's back. AND CONOR GETS A TAKEDOWN! Thirty seconds left. Both men back up. Clinch with Diaz driving. Ten seconds left. Diaz FINALLY GETS the takedown as the bell sounds. 10-9 for McGregor, maybe?

McGregor definitely had rounds 1 and 4. Diaz definitely had round 3. Round 2 and Round 5 are a toss-up. Let's hear what the judges say, why don't we? It's 48-47 for McGregor, 47-47 and 48-47 for Conor McGregor. "Surprise, surprise, motherfucker, the king is back," Conor declares. McGregor says he would fight Diaz again, but only if the fight is at 155. "They can't have a motherfucker like me winning in this sport," Diaz says. "Good job, McGregor, but we're going for three." Adding to the overall "holy shit"-ness of the fight, McGregor says he fought most of it with a broken foot. 

In the post-post-fight, Rogan asks McGregor to vacate the 145-pound belt, says he doesn't know if Glover spit out a tooth after getting knocked out by Johnson and breaks "news" that Jon Jones' suspension may not be as long as expected

Well,  that more than lived up to the hype. That's my pick for 2016 fight of the year right there, and from start to finish, that was the most satisfying PPV I've seen since the all-heavyweight meat truck explosion that was UFC 146. Sucks to be you if you didn't catch this one live, that's all I can say

1 comment:

  1. i knew whether or not connor truly won the fight or not he would have gotten the decision if it went 5 rounds. If nate wins again fight number 3 dont make any since and you lose all that money. mc gregor v diaz UFC Fighter .see the extreme video here


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