Friday, September 9, 2016

LIVE Round-By-Round Coverage of UFC 203: Miocic vs. Overeem!

Can't afford Fight Pass and the local sports bar too cheap to order the show? Join us as we give you real-time updates from the latest and greatest UFC PPV event all night long.

By: Jimbo X

Yep, folks, it's time for yet another star-studded UFC pay-per-view spectacular, and this one has to be one of the more ... intriguing ... the organization has orchestrated in quite some time. 

You can't complain about the top two fights. Stipe Miocic and Alistair Overeem, going toe-to-toe in one of the most improbable Heavyweight Championship bouts in UFC history, and Fabricio Werdum and Travis Browne tangoing in a contest that's practically genetically-engineered to result in someone either being choked unconscious or punched so hard they forget basic geometric shapes? Yeah, that is indeed some strong shit I need inside me right now. 

Furthermore, the two curtain jerkin' bouts - featuring two female fighters who are probably Strawweight Champion material and arguably the greatest featherweight fighter of all time taking on a hot, up-and-coming batmanweight scrapper with just one professional loss on his record - look mighty tempting, too. Alas, it's the proverbial creme in our PPV fighting Oreo that's soaking up all the attention - a middle-of-the-card contest featuring a guy with just two professional fights to his name tangling with former Ring of Honor and WWE 'rassler C.M. Punk. So all in all, this card has pretty much everything for everybody - heavyweight slug fests, down and dirty chick fights, a lightning fast veteran vs. young-up-and-comer donnybrook and a very, very strong possibility that a guy who used to make money pretending to punch The Undertaker will actually die before a live televised audience. 

Can't afford to watch the PPV broadcast, your computer too shitty to run live streams or you just want a little bit of real-time, humorous commentary to keep you company during the show? Well, buddy, we've got you covered all night long. LIVE round-by-round coverage begins at 10 p.m. eastern time Saturday, Sept. 10. Be sure to hit the refresh button often and early, because this blog will be updated constantly throughout the evening. And hey! Do us a favor and tell your fighting fan friends about our free public service. They will thank you, and you might even get a blow job out of it.

And we are coming to you LIVE from Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland, Ohio, home of your world champion Cleveland Cavaliers. And also, a really, really shitty pro football team whose best receiver is a former Raiders quarterback, but really, that's neither here nor there. Our hosts - as the norm - are Joe Rogan and Mike Goldberg. "It's the most important night in combat sports," Rogan says, "because tonight' we're going to determine who the baddest man on the planet is." Uh ... he's probably not talking about C.M. Punk there, I believe. 

Strawweight Bout
Jessica Andrade (14-5-0-0) vs. Joanne Calderwood (11-1-0-0)

Brazilian bantamweight Jessica Andrade has had an up and down UFC career, going 5-3 under the Zuffa banner since joining the organization in 2013. Having recently knocked Jessica Penne the fuck out at UFC 199, she looks to keep her winning ways a' going up against Scottish Muay Thai specialist Joanne Calderwood, who was last seen beating Valerie Letourneau half to death earlier this summer. Honestly, I'm not too excited about the match-up, but then again, I'm kind of a misogynist. Regardless, expect a lot of hair and blood to fly in this one ... and if we're lucky, mayhap an exposed yabbo or two. 

Calderwood out to some Christian rock sounding shit. Also, she has one of the worst hairdos I've ever seen, and considering this is mixed martial arts, trust me, that's saying something. Jessica out to ... uh, I think it's Drake. Or Usher. Hell, it could be Justin Bieber for all I know. You know, that one that goes "nobody, nobody could drag me down." Man, that song sucks. Also: Calderwood has one of the most tasteless tattoos I've ever seen - it's a dude blowing his brains out, with the blood spray transforming into butterflies.

Calderwood with leg kicks early. Jessica closing the gap. A significant height advantage for Calderwood. Jessica with some hard knees up against the cage, and she lands a HUGE takedown. Alas, she has a pretty nasty cut over her eye. Jessica with another gigantic slam. Jessica hammering Calderwood on the ground now. Calderwood trying to defend with elbows, but it is no use. And Jessica powerbombs her for her efforts. Jessica back on the offense. Calderwood has Jessica's leg tied up. Now Jessica is just pounding on her. More heavy shots. About a minute left. Jessica with a heinous shoot DDT\guillotine choke combo. And Calderwood taps!

The official time is 4:38 in the very first round. In the post-fight interview with Rogan, Jessica says some stuff in Portuguese and her translator (who sounds a lot like Bas Rutten) probably messes it up. 

Kyle Snyder and Mark Coleman are in the house. And also, Verne Troyer is not only still alive, but alive and doing commercials for online betting sites.

And we have a commercial for UFC 205 in New York. And still no idea who is going to be headlining it, even though it is barely two months away.

Bantamweight Bout
Urijah Faber (33-9-0-0) vs. Jimmie Rivera (19-1-0-0)

There really needs to be an official term for fighters like Urijah Faber. He's a still-marketable name that's a perennial top five in his weight class (thus, making the term "gatekeeper" an ill-fitting one) but for whatever reason, he just can't beat the divisional no. 1 or no. 2, no matter how many tries you give him (and if you're counting at home, the number stands at four unsuccessful title shots since 2011.) So enter Bellator journeyman Jimmie Rivera, who has accumulated a 3-0 record since joining the UFC last year. Can the man ten years Faber's junior make himself "famous" with a resounding victory over one of the sport's most iconic sub-lightweight fighters, or is Rivera set to get himself an old school ass-whipping from one of MMA's most beloved elder statesmen? As often the case in life, there's only one way to solve this one ... with interpersonal violence, preferably with neither party insured medically. 

Rivera comes out wearing a Puerto Rican flag, even though he is billed from New Jersey. And his trainer slaps the shit out of his chest before he enters the cage, because apparently, that's a thing that people do now. Here's Goldberg with a hell of a stat: Urijah Faber is 19-0 in three-round non titles as a professional fighter. Faber out to "California Love" as always, and he gets a huge ovation. Rogan says he is the most beloved fighter to never win UFC gold and Goldberg said he thinks about Urijah every time he walks into a bar and Tupac comes on.

Wait, Vegas has Faber listed as an underdog in this fight? Whatever. Faber with an inside leg kick, and Rivera almost grabs his foot. Rivera with some nice uppercuts. Rivera rocks Faber with a hard overhand, but Faber keeps circling. They clinch for a bit and exchange knees. Rivera clips Faber again. Faber still trying to land kicks, but they aren't happening. Rivera fairly still, while Faber is doing the old one step, two step. Rivera with a solid counter left under hook. Minute left. Rivera trying to push the action. Not a whole lot happening in the last 30 seconds. 10-9 for Rivera.

Round two. Rivera gets hit in the sack, so we take a timeout. And wow, does the ref for this fight look like Brock Lesnar condensed into a 5'5 foot frame. Rivera sticking to his guns, deflecting pretty much everything Faber throws at him. Faber keeps buzzing, though. And a leg kick drops Faber. He looks like he messed up his knee. Another hard leg kick leaves Faber limping. And another leg kick from Rivera. Give Faber credit, however - he's still going after Rivera. Rivera with a shitty spinning back fist. Faber bops Rivera, but it does little damage. Rivera rattles off some hard right hands as the bell sounds. 20-18 for Rivera.

Round three. Faber's left leg is all kinds of fucked up now. Faber whiffs on a front kick with his good leg. Rivera's "Berlin Wall" offense is extremely successful tonight. Faber in desperation mode. Another leg kick has Faber crumbling to the canvas. And we get another timeout - because Faber just poked Rivera in the eyes, Ric Flair style. Now a MILF in a blue dress is swabbing his cornea with a Q-Tip. Rivera unloads on Faber. More leg kicks from Rivera. Faber trying to chase Rivera down. And Rivera just shakes Faber off like a flea. One minute to go, and Faber needs a miracle finish. The crowd boos the inaction. Rivera with a barrage of punches as time expires. And that's more than enough to win him the round. 30-27 for Rivera, without question.

And yep, the refs call it 30-27 across the board for Rivera. "I grew up watching this kid, holy shit," Rivera tells Rogan in the post-fight interview. He said he hasn't been able to see anything out of his right eye for the last five minutes. He thanks God and immediately follows up his praise of the Almighty by using the "f" word to describe the raucous Cleveland crowd. 

That tatted up dude on the Cavs and some white guy who plays for the Indians is in the house. In case that matters to you. Also - holy shit, Kevin Bacon looks SO OLD nowadays.

Welterweight Bout
C.M. Punk  (0-0-0-0) vs. Mickey Gall (2-0-0-0)

The Best in the World ... at getting the living shit beat out of him.

...and in the proud, noble, illustrious tradition of Randy Couture versus James Toney, Jose Canseco versus Hong Man Choi and Bob Sapp versus some random dude dressed like a M.U.S.C.L.E. action figure comes the MMA world's latest and greatest in-ring travesty. With just two professional fights on his record, Mickey Gall is hardly what you would call a PPV-caliber fighter. Alas, compared to the man he's facing, he's pretty much a seasoned veteran. Enter one C.M. Punk, yes, the former Ring of Honor and WWE pro rassler who brought his virulent straight-edge and atheist ethos to the squared circle, thus making him a patron saint for neckbearded, overweight, college loan debt-saddled 20- and 30-something fake fisticuffs fans the world over. Well, having (supposedly) trained like a madman for the last two years, Punk has somehow convinced the UFC upper brass that - despite not having ever had a professional fight, amateur fight or probably even a schoolyard fight - that he's ready to go toe-to-toe with a trained mixed martial artist, on live TV, for Pay-Per-View-caliber dollars. Yes, the outcome is about as unpredictable as whose going to win a Harlem Globetrotters game, but this being the fluky, freaky world of professional fighting, you never know ... hell, C.M. Punk may in fact land a hit before being taken to the canvas and choked unconscious. And the shit show commences in 3, 2 ...

Well, Mickey Gall comes out to "Mickey" by Toni Basil, which is arguably the greatest theme music choice ever. Oh shit, Punk gets the blackout treatment. And yep, he comes out to "Cult of Personality." And my goodness, does he look downright emaciated at 170. 

Punk gets more cheers than boos. Gall with a takedown out the gate. Gall with some hard shots. And he is in side control. Gall absolutely mauling him now. Punk squirming like a worm. Gall has Punk's back. "This is what happens when a whit belt rolls with a brown belt," Rogan says. Punk flattened out and Gall is bashing the back of his skull in. Gall has his hooks in, the choke is deep and PUNK TAPS.

"Fuck the hate, we need to love each other," Gall says in his post-fight interview with Rogan. He calls out Sage Northcutt and says he will "punch the spikes out of his hair." CM Punk says that even though he got his ass kicked, he will be back."The true failure in life is not trying at all," he tells the crowd. As a father, Goldberg tells the television audience at home that Punk's can-do attitude is, and I quote, "100 percent true." 

Hey, Junior dos Santos is on the house! Considering all the times he's been knocked out, I hope he knows where he is right now.

Heavyweight Bout
Fabricio Werdum (20-6-1-0) vs. Travis Browne (18-4-1-0)

This is what we call "the redemption bout." Both fighters are coming off embarrassing losses - Werdum dropped his title to Stipe Miocic in his home country last spring while Browne got murder-death-killed by Cain Velasquez at UFC 200 - and a victory here ought to be enough to propel the winner back into championship considerations. Stylistically, Werdum seems to be a little more technical, with solid boxing and arguably the best BJJ skills of any heavyweight fighter on the planet. Mr. Ronda Rousey, however, employs a more direct approach - typically, he wins fights by hitting people really, really hard right out the gate ... i.e., the exact same technique exhibited by Stipe Miocic that ultimately cost Werdum the UFC gold. This is one of those fights that, pardon the cliche, really could go either way - and hopefully, that entails somebody, somehow and someway, getting splayed out on the canvas with their brain restarting in "safe" mode. 

Travis Browne out to "The Best Around" - a.k.a., the song from The Karate Kid. And yes, he still looks like Johny Hendricks. Meanwhile, Fabricio Werdum comes out making considerably fewer goofy retarded faces than in the walkout to his LAST fight.

Werdum with a flying side kick to Browne's face AS SOON as the bell sounds. Werdum working some leg kicks. "He can kick people in the face, too," Goldberg says. Werdum with a flipping wheel kick that misses by three, maybe four miles. Browne calls for a timeout to adjust his glove, and Werdum punches the shit out of him. Now Browne is in the corner, with an apparent dislocated finger. The fight doth continue. "There are no timeouts in fighting," a specialist tells us. Werdum bullying Browne up against the cage. Awesome spinning kick from Werdum. Browne with a solid jab. More Werdum leg kicks. Another hard right hand from Browne. Werdum whiffs on a kick, Browne catches the foot and sweeps his ass. Werdum back up. A huge right hand drops Browne. Werdum trying to get Browne's back with about thirty seconds left. He almost has it. Browne escapes, but he is eating a ton of punches. Ten seconds - looks like Werdum will survive. An obvious 10-9  round for Werdum. 

Browne's corner is cursing up a storm. Werdum looking for a takedown. Browne is clearly bothered by his hand. Werdum pulls guard. Werdum back up. Both men a little hesitant to strike. Hard leg kick from Werdum. Browne absorbs a kick to the midsection. The crowd starting to boo. Werdum has 77 strikes, while Browne has ... nine. Another body kick from Werdum, but he whiffs on a spinning back fist. Thirty seconds left, and neither fighter feels like doing shit. Werdum with another spinning wheel kick thing that doesn't come anywhere close to landing as the bell sounds. 20-18 Werdum.

And MORE cursing in Browne's corner. Leg kicks from Werdum. Browne keeping his distance. Crowd booing like crazy. Woo, this is turning into a shit show real fest. Werdum with the slowest kick you have ever seen ever in your life. Werdum chasing Browne down, and Browne is - well, just kinda' standing there. Two minutes left. Now Werdum is kicking the shit out of Browne's leg. Browne trying to land some jabs, a high kick is blocked. About a minute left. Werdum falls on his ass trying to do some freaky sliding kick thingy. Thirty seconds, and the boo birds are out in full force. Rogan and Goldberg are just shitting all over Browne now. And mercifully, this one comes to an end. Gotta' be 30-27 for Werdum.

Oh hell, Browne just lunged at Werdum's corner crew. Everybody has to evacuate the cage. Werdum gets the unanimous decision call, but somehow, the judges didn't all score it 30-27. Browne walks out of the cage after the fight. Dana White looks all kinds of pissed. Knowing what we know about Browne's background, that definitely does not bode well for Ronda Rousey's face later tonight. 

And just when you think this shit cannot get any weirder, Werdum dedicates his win to all of the Brazilian Olympic athletes and victims of drunk driving, across the globe. Oh, and did I mention that he spin kicked one of Browne's handlers after the fight? Because he totally did.

UFC Heavyweight Championship Bout
Stipe Miocic (15-2-0-0) vs. Alistair Overeem (41-14-0-1)

Black lies matter, Overeem.

Who'd thunk this would be a UFC championship contest just two years ago? Indeed, the two men starring in our headline matchup were in a much different place than they are now. Miocic was getting his face rocked by Junior dos Santos and the Reem was getting knocked out by people like Ben Motherfucking Rothwell. Both dudes, for all intents and purposes, looked like they were past their primes. Well, flash forward 24 months, and Miocic is on a three fight tear, his most recent "W," obviously, being that huge upset win over Fabricio Werdum down in Brazil, while his challenger this evening is on a four fight winning streak, complete with knockout victories over Andre Arlovski, Stefan Struve and yes, Junior dos Santos hisself. Both of these dudes are known for heavy knockout power, and Overeem's more strategical, surgical approach represents a sharp stylistic contrast to Miocic's heavy-handed, let's slug it out, up-close-and-very-personal brawling tactics. So, all of that to say? Folks, this ought to be a good one.

Oh shit, REEM comes out to the old PRIDE FC theme! He gets heavy boos, of course. Lights out treatment for Miocic. Man, the backstage area of Quicken Loans looks nasty as shit. Miocic gets a huge ovation on the walkout. 

LOL at Bruce Buffer calling REEM the "number three weight" on the planet. LOUD "STIPE" chants. Stipe chasing Reem down. Reem keeping his distance. Stipe tries to kick Stipe. He whiffs. REEM lands a solid body jab, Stipe goes down and Reem ALMOST finishes him with a guillotine. But Stipe is back up. Reem is LITERALLY running away from Stipe. Reem catches him with a hard jab. Stipe with some nasty uppercuts. Stipe still tagging him. Reem still running. Reem with a hard uppercut and some stiff knees to the midsection. "I don't like his defense at all," Rogan comments on Reem's strategy. Minute to go. Stipe landing some solid combinations. Stipe with a fluke you takedown and he is hammer fisting thee shit out of Stipe. AND THE REF WAVES IT OFF!

It was 4:20 in the very first round. Stipe does the whole "OH-I-O" chant and everybody goes along with it. Stipe said his strategy was simple - "turn the motherboard off." And for Overeem? He claims Stipe tapped during the guillotine choke. Well, the video replay proves that's a bunch of bullshit. Nonetheless, he praises Cleveland for their hospitality and promptly exits the cage like he just swallowed a turd. And our show wraps up with a promo for UFC 204 - which, of course, we here at IIIA looks forward to covering in just a few weeks.


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