Thursday, November 3, 2016

2016 NFL Power Rankings - Week Eight!

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat it - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X

This Week's Episode:
"You win some, you lose some, you tie some?"


New England Patriots (7-1)
Season Point Differential: +85

The Pats exacted vengeance for their sole loss of the season last Sunday, walloping the Bills 41-25 in their home stadium. Despite getting sacked four times, Tom Brady had what could only be described as "a hell of a fuckin' game," lobbing the pigskin for 315 yards and four touchdowns on 22 completions. 

Philadelphia Eagles (4-3)
Season Point Differential: +62

All three of the Eagles' losses this year have come on the road, including their 29-23 overtime heartbreaker deep in the heart of Texas last Sunday night. Carson Wentz was adequate (32 for 43 for 202 yards and one TD), but Philadelphia's lackluster run game - which only collected 97 yards compared to the Cowboys' 187 - certainly factored prominently in the tough divisional loss. 

Dallas Cowboys (6-1)
Season Point Differential: +58

The Cowboys bested divisional foes Philadelphia in a Sunday night home stand, bumping off the Eagles 29-23 in overtime. Dak Prescott (287 yards, two touchdowns, one INT) Ezekiel Elliot (96 yards on 22 carries) both played pretty well, but the most impressive performance for Dallas belonged to Dez Bryant, who recorded one TD and 113 yards on just four receptions.

Denver Broncos (6-2)
Season Point Differential: +58

Trevor Siemian was fairly consistent in the Broncos' 27-19 win over the Chargers, wrapping up the contest 20 for 38 for 276 yards (but no touchdowns and one interception.) Alas, their run game (despite posting just 57 yards) did manage to chalk up two touchdowns, and the potent Denver D definitely made Phillip Rivers' life miserable - he got intercepted three times, with one of the picks taken all the way to the house for six on the opposing team's board.

Buffalo Bills (4-4)
Season Point Differential: +40

As their .500 record indicates, you never really know which Bills team you are going to see on any given Sunday. Well, this past weekend we saw the really shitty version of the team, as they got gobsmacked 45-21 by the Patriots at home. As a plus, however? The team still managed to record 167 rushing yards and three touchdowns on the ground, even without star running back LeSean McCoy suited up for play.

Arizona Cardinals (3-4-1)
Season Point Differential: +39

Arizona is another one of those bipolar teams whose on-field production fluctuates wildly from week to week. Last Sunday we got a glimpse of "bad Arizona," as they dropped a 30-20 contest against the ailing Panthers. Carson Palmer, as always, had retard stats (363 yards and three touchdowns) but honestly, how many NFL games do you expect to win when you can only run the ball for 24 yards? 

Minnesota Vikings (5-2)
Season Point Differential: +35

In one of the biggest pro football upsets all season, the Bears actually managed to beat the highly touted Vikings 20-10 on Halloween night. Sam Bradford had respectable figures (228 yards and a TD on 23 completions), but the run game didn't do dookie, with the no-name Vikes running back committee accumulating just 57 yards on the ground all ball game. 

Atlanta Falcons (5-3)
Season Point Differential: +31

The Falcons outlasted the Packers 33-32 in a back and forth game that saw Matt Ryan (288 yards and three touchdowns on 28 completions) engineer a late fourth quarter comeback to give Atlanta the "W." The hero of the day was receiver Mohamed Sanu, who reeled in the game-winning catch with just 31 seconds left in the fourth quarter. 


Kansas City Chiefs (5-2)
Season Point Differential: +29

With Alex Smith put in concussion protocol early, in came Nick Foles to lead the Chiefs to a 30-14 win over the Colts. Andy Reid's No. 2 QB finished the contest 16 for 22, with 223 yards and two touchdowns at the final horn. Receivers Travis Kelce and Tyreek Hill each caught a TD pass, wrapping up the contest with 101 and 98 yards, respectively. 

Seattle Seahawks (4-2-1)
Season Point Differential: +22

Seattle dropped a tough one to New Orleans 25-20 over the weekend. Russell Wilson had a solid showing (253 yards on 22 completions), but none of them resulted in points on the board. The run game also disappointed, accumulating only 74 yards on 17 rushing attempts.

Pittsburgh Steelers (4-3)
Season Point Differential: +20

Big Ben and pals took the week off, with a 1 p.m. showdown with divisional foes Baltimore slated for this Sunday. Averaging 372 yards per game, the Steelers possess the League's 11th ranked offense eight weeks in; their defense, allowing 390 yards per game, ranks 27th overall.

Green Bay Packers (4-3)
Season Point Differential: +16

The Packers, unfortunately, were second-to-last in a last-possession-wins score-fest down at the Georgia Dome over the weekend, losing a heartbreaker to the Falcons 33-32. Alas, even in defeat, the cheeseheads out there can take great solace in Aaron Rodgers insane numbers - 246 yards and four aerial touchdowns on 28 completions. 

San Diego Chargers (3-5)
Season Point Differential: +13

Phillip Rivers has only himself to blame for last Sunday's 26-19 loss to the Broncos. While his stats were pretty decent (267 yards and two touchdown passes on 20 completions), he also lobbed three costly interceptions, with an errant pick six ultimately giving Denver enough wiggle room to escape the divisional contest with the "W." 

Oakland Raiders (6-2)
Season Point Differential: +12

And with a thrilling 30-24 O.T. victory over the Bucs, the Raiders are now 5-0 on the road this season. As always, you can relive the entirety of the game right here, but for those of you looking for the Cliff Notes version? Derek Carr threw the ball for more than 500 yards, and despite setting a new NFL record for most penalties in a single game, in true Raiders' fashion they still won the fucking match-up

Tennessee Titans (4-4)
Season Point Differential: -01

The Titans absolutely reamed the Jags last Thursday night, pounding their hapless AFC rivals 36-22 in a game in which Tennessee held a 36-8 lead at the beginning of the fourth quarter. Marcus Mariota went 18 for 22 for 270 and two TD passes and DeMarco Murray's outstanding play continued with 123 yards and a touchdown on 21 carries. 

Washington Redskins (4-3-1)
Season Point Differential: -03

Seeing as how the Redskins and Bengals duked it out in a soccer stadium, I suppose it's only fitting that their trip to Jolly Old England resulted in a sister-kissin' tie. Despite the 27-all deadlock, it's pretty hard to not be impressed by Kirk Cousins' performance in the non-victory/non-defeat - the dude had 458 yards on 38 completions.


Carolina Panthers (2-5)
Season Point Differential: -05

The freefalling Panthers got a (momentary?) reprieve from their losing ways via a 30-20 win over the Cardinals. While Cam Newton netted some nice yardage (212 on 14 passes and another 43 scrambling), he didn't find end zone either way; thankfully for the Carolina faithful, back Jonathan Stewart (95 yards and two TDs on 25 carries) was much better at finding paydirt, and you can't be anything but enthusiastic about a defense that sacked Carson Palmer no less than eight times over the course of one afternoon.

Baltimore Ravens (3-4)
Season Point Differential: -06

The Ravens were among six teams on a bye last week. Seven games into their 2016 campaign, their offense ranks 25th in the League with 332 yards per game, while their defense - allowing just 301 yards per game - ranks third overall.

Detroit Lions (4-4)
Season Point Differential: -07

The Lions dropped a tough one to Houston 20-13, with Matt Stafford putting on one of his weakest performances of the year. At the final horn, the former UGA QB had amassed a (relatively) low 240 yards on 27 completions, with just one touchdown pass throughout the whole affair. 

New York Giants (4-3)
Season Point Differential: -08

After a bye week, the Giants will defend MetLife Stadium against divisional foes Philadelphia this Sunday. With 345 yards per game, the Giants' offense ranks 19th in the NFL; their defense, allowing 361 yards per contest, is ranked 17th.

Miami Dolphins (3-4)
Season Point Differential: -13

Miami hosts the Jets at Hard Rock Stadium (no, that's actually what it's called these days) this Sunday after taking a breather last week. With 349.6 yards per game, the Fins offense ranks 18th overall, while their defense (allowing 367 yards per game) ranks 20th.

New Orleans Saints (3-4)
Season Point Differential: -14

The Saints got an upset win over the Seahawks Sunday, besting Seattle 25-20. Drew Brees went 27 for 35 for 265 yards and a solo TD pass, while back Tim Hightower racked up 102 yards on 26 carries - a sum that eclipsed Seattle's total rushing production by a good 30 yards. 

Cincinnati Bengals (3-4-1)
Season Point Differential: -22

If you're looking for earth-shattering stats, you're not going to find them in the Bengals 27-27 tie with Washington over the weekend. Still, Andy Dalton had a pretty solid day, lobbing the rock for 284 yards on 27 completions, with receiving duo A.J. Green and Tyler Eifert each hauling in 100-plus yards apiece. 

Indianapolis Colts (3-5)
Season Point Differential: -22

The Colts didn't have much Luck (get it?) in their bruising 30-14 loss to the Chiefs. Indy's signal caller finished the game with 210 yards, two TDs and an interception - but you can dial those numbers back down to 172 once you factor in the six times he got sacked by Kansas City defenders. 


Houston Texans (5-3)
Season Point Differential: -30

The Texans may play like utter and complete dog shit on the road, but at home, they are just about unbeatable. Just ask the Detroit Lions, who saw their winning ways snapped via a 20-13 loss in Houston last Sunday. And props to the Texans' D, which held the Lions fairly underrated run game to just 58 yards. 

Los Angeles Rams (3-4)
Season Point Differential: -34

After a bye week, the Rams return to host Carolina this weekend. Posting 307.6 yards per contest, L.A. ranks 30th in offensive production at the midway point of the season - allowing only 343 yards a game, however, their defense ranks 11th in the League.  

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-4)
Season Point Differential: -37

The Bucs were up 24-17 with just two minutes left in the fourth quarter, but their defense shit the bed - complete with a a game-ending-nullifying penalty on fourth down - and let the Raiders crawl back into it. The Bucs responded by quietly going three and out on three consecutive drives, before totally blowing a midfield tackle in the waning minutes of overtime to give the Silver and Black the extra-regulations victory.

Chicago Bears (2-6)
Season Point Differential: -48

Well, the Bears won a game again. Not only that, but it was against the Vikings, who are actually kinda' good this year. Before you hoist too much pride on the returning Jay Cutler (252 yards and one TD on 20 completions), I'd reckon it was the team's run game (Jordan Howard had 153 yards and a solo TD on 26 carries) and the defense (which sacked Sammy Bradford five times) that was mostly responsible for the out-of-nowhere win.

Jacksonville Jaguars (2-5)
Season Point Differential: -57

Don't let the 36-22 final score fool you - the Jags were never even in last Thursday's loss to the Titans. And sorry to rain on your parade, Jacksonville Nation (LOL, like that could ever possibly exist), the majority of Blake Bortles' 337 yard, three touchdown performance came in the form of pure garbage points

New York Jets (3-5)
Season Point Differential: -58

Somebody had to win Toilet Bowl 2016, and in this case, it looks like the Jets were the better of the two turds. New York just barely triumphed over the Browns 31-28, in a game that saw the J-E-T-S collect three touchdowns and 171 yards on 35 rushing attempts. As expected, Ryan Fitzgerald - 16 for 34 for 228 yards and one TD - was pretty much a non-factor (although he did get a rare scrambling score in, at least.) 

San Francisco 49ers (1-6)
Season Point Differential: -75

As evident by the fact that for the first time all year we had an NFL Sunday go by without ESPN once bringing up the National Anthem, the 49ers indeed had a bye last week. At the halfway point of the season, San Fran ranks dead last in terms of yards per game (290) and their defense is allowing more yards per contest (407) than any team in the League not named the Raiders or the Browns.

Cleveland Browns (0-8)
Season Point Differential: -80

...poor, poor Cleveland. Not only can their fans not spell their own nickname, you know what happens when their QB throws for 341 yards and two scores? They still find a way to lose by three points, even against one of the three shittiest defenses in the whole dadgum League. Oh well - at least you neggahz still got Lebron and the Indians, right? 


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