Thursday, December 1, 2016

2016 NFL Power Rankings - Week 12!

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat it - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X

This Week's Episode:
"Let's all give thanks ... that none of us play for Cleveland"


Dallas Cowboys (10-1)
Season Point Differential: +103

In the Boys 31-26 Thanksgiving win over the Redskins, the team combined for 163 rushing yards and three touchdowns, with Ezekiel Elliott racking up 97 yards and two scores on 20 carries. And of course, Dak Prescott got himself a rushing TD as well, which complemented his 195-yards, one passing touchdown day quite well. 

New England Patriots (9-2)
Season Point Differential: +95

Tom Brady got his 200th win over the weekend, but it wasn't easy - the low-flying Jets actually put up a hell of a fight in the 22-17 win for the Pats. Still, Tom Terrific got the "W" - at the final horn, he had collected two touchdowns and 286 yards on 30 completions.

Atlanta Falcons (7-4)
Season Point Differential: +56

Looks like the Falcons have yet another highly capable offensive weapon on the rise: receiver Taylor Gabriel, who had 75 yards and two touchdown passes on four completions in Atlanta's 38-19 win over the Cardinals.

Denver Broncos (7-4)
Season Point Differential: +47

Trevor Siemian had three touchdown passes and 368 yards on 20 completions in last Sunday night's battle against Kansas City. Alas, Denver's dynamite "D" couldn't get it done in overtime, as the Chiefs bopped a last second field goal to beat their divisional foes 30-27.

Buffalo Bills (6-5)
Season Point Differential: +45

The Jags didn't make it easy, but T-Mobile and pals nonetheless managed to get the job done. In a 28-21 win, the Bills combined for three rushing touchdowns and 153 yards on the ground - with LeSean McCoy responsible for 103 of them and two of Buffalo's excursions into enemy end zone. 

Pittsburgh Steelers (6-5)
Season Point Differential: +44

The Steelers absolutely drubbed the Colts last Thursday night, pounding Indy like a drum to the tune of 28-7. Big Ben had 221 yards and three touchdown passes while Le'Veon Bell finished the contest with 120 yards and one TD run on 23 carries. 

Philadelphia Eagles (5-6)
Season Point Differential: +41

Following their 27-13 loss to Green Bay on Monday Night, the Eagles have to be in panic mode right now. At this juncture, the team would have to run the table and have the Cowboys lose every single game from hereon out to even tie Dallas' record. With a wild card slot their only hope for the postseason, this is a team that's going to have to get it's shit together real quick ... and they better be praying to the football gods for some big breaks heading down the December stretch.

Kansas City Chiefs (8-3)
Season Point Differential: +38

The Chiefs rallied late in the fourth to make it a tied ball game against Denver last Sunday night. And with two seconds left in extra time, Cairo Santos nailed a 34-yarder to give the Chiefs a crucial 30-27 divisional win. 


Seattle Seahawks (7-3-1)
Season Point Differential: +37

Russell Wilson - to put it mildly - played like shit in the Seahawks' 14-5 loss to the Buccaneers on Sunday. He wrapped up the game with just 151 yards on 17 completions, with no touchdowns and two interceptions. And oh yeah - he also got sacked six times for a cumulative loss of 33 freakin' yards. 

Oakland Raiders (9-2)
Season Point Differential: +32

Well, shit, what more can be said about the rousin', rallyin' Raiders of 2016? After leading the Panthers 24-7 at halftime, Carolina exploded with four touchdowns to gain the upperhand 32-24 early in the fourth. Which - of course - meant it was time for Derek Carr (who emerged from a horrifying pinkie injury in the third quarter donning a pimp glove) to knot things up with a TD pass to Clive Walford (and of course they went for two - the Raiders always go for two, and they always get it.) Another defensive stand and Oakland got the ball back, with just enough time on the clock for Sea-Bass to boot a field goal and send the Raiders faithful home happy with a 35-32 win. And as always, you can relive the magic and glory of the game in its entirety right here

New Orleans Saints (5-6)
Season Point Differential: +27

In a 49-21 pounding of the Rams, the Saints' passers combined for 346 yards and five touchdown passes. Drew Brees had four TD strikes and 310 yards while Willie Snead managed to bomb a 50-yarder for paydirt, too. And if that wasn't enough, N.O. also ran the rock for two touchdowns and 209 yards

Minnesota Vikings (6-5)
Season Point Differential: +26

In the Vikings 16-13 loss to the Lions, Sam Bradford lobbed the rock for 224 yards, completing 31 out of 37 attempts. Alas, he had no touchdown passes and the one interception he tossed was quite costly, indeed

San Diego Chargers (5-6)
Season Point Differential: +22

Philip Rivers had three touchdown passes in the Chargers' 21-13 win over the Texans. Even more impressive, each end zone pass wound up going to a different receiver, with Dontrelle Inman leading the pack with 119 yards on six receptions. 

New York Giants (8-3)
Season Point Differential: +18

To the surprise of absolutely no one, the G-Men bested the still winless Browns 27-13 on Sunday. Eli Manning had three touchdown passes in the affair, going 15 for 27 for 194 yards. OBJ lead all receivers in the contest, hauling in 96 yards and two TDs on just six catches.

Baltimore Ravens (6-5)
Season Point Differential: +17

Yes, the Ravens beat the Bengals 19-14 on Sunday, but that's not what's important. What is important is HOW they beat Cincinnati - which, in this case, came in the form of every single special teams player committing egregious holding penalties while their kicker dicked around in the end zone until the game clock expired. Yes, this is something you must see with your own two eyes, kids

Arizona Cardinals (4-6-1)
Season Point Differential: +17

You can never say "never" in the NFL, but Sunday's 38-19 loss to the Falcons basically means the Cardinals' season is over. Even if they run the table from hereon out, the best they can hope for is a 9-6-1 record - which, in an NFC wild card race this competitive, hardly seems good enough to punch a ticket to the postseason.


Washington Redskins (6-4-1)
Season Point Differential: +16

The 'Skins hung in there, but they ultimately succumbed to the red hot Cowboys 31-26 on Thanksgiving. Tis a shame, too - I hate to think that Kirk Cousins' 449-yard, three-touchdown day was all for naught. 

Tennessee Titans (6-6)
Season Point Differential: +12

The Titans head into a bye week sitting pretty at .500  following a 27-21 win over the defanged, declawed and de-testicled Bears. They better rest up, though, since their next two games on the docket are against the Broncos and the Chiefs - two of the absolute toughest teams in all of the AFC. 

Detroit Lions (7-4)
Season Point Differential: +09

With the game tied 13-13, Darius Slay intercepted the Vikings with just thirty seconds left on the clock. The abrupt turnover gave the Lions enough real estate to bop a field goal and win the whole kit and kaboodle 16-13 on Turkey Day, which in turn extended Detroit's divisional lead over Minnesota a full game.

Miami Dolphins (7-4)
Season Point Differential: +09

With the Broncos losing to the Chiefs, the Fins currently possess the AFC's sixth best record - which means, yes, they would get a crack at the playoffs if the postseason started right now. And Ryan Tannehill is not a QB you want to fuck with right now. In the Dolphins' 31-24 win over San Fran, he finished the contest 20 for 30 for 285 yards and three touchdown passes.

Carolina Panthers (4-7)
Season Point Differential: -05

In the early stages of the fourth quarter, the Panthers were up 32-24 against the Raiders. Cam and company had scored 25 unanswered points, and it looked like a demoralized Oakland squad was getting ready to roll over and play dead. Alas, the Raiders quickly rallied and regained the lead 35-32, and on fourth and long, with the game on the line ... well, this is what happened to last year's MVP

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-5)
Season Point Differential: -15

Don't look now, but the Bucs have won three in a row and are just one game back in the NFC South pennant chase. And you have to be impressed by the team's latest victory - an inspired 14-5 win over the Seattle Seahawks in which Jameis Winston lobbed two touchdown passes in the first quarter and simply coasted the remainder of the afternoon.

Green Bay Packers (5-6)
Season Point Differential: -15

Nope, the Packers ain't done quite yet. With their 27-13 win over the Eagles, Green Bay is just two games out of first place in the NFC Central. Fittingly enough, they conclude the regular season with back-to-back-to-back contests against all of their divisional foes - complete with a potential Jan. 01 Waterloo at Detroit.

Indianapolis Colts (5-6)
Season Point Differential: -31

How well can the Colts play without Andrew Luck under center? Well, as apparent by their 28-7 loss to the Steelers, not very. Backup Scott Tolzien went 22 for 36 in the losing bid, collecting 205 yards, one TD and two interceptions. And he got sacked thrice, resulting in a cumulative loss of 21 yards.


Cincinnati Bengals (3-7-1)
Season Point Differential: -32

Yeah, that 19-14 loss to Baltimore pretty much spells the end of the Bengals' ultra-disappointing 2016 season. Even if Cincy wins their remaining five games (SPOILER: that isn't going to happen), the best they can hope for is a 8-7-1 record ... which, in a super-competitive AFC wild card race, won't be anywhere near enough to get them into the postseason.

Houston Texans (6-5)
Season Point Differential: -42

After their 21-13 loss to the Chargers, you really have to start second-guessing Brock and pals' playoff aspirations. The Colts and Titans are both breathing heavy down their necks, and what do you know, Houston has road games against both of 'em over the next five weeks.

Los Angeles Rams (4-7)
Season Point Differential: -66

The Rams got their asses kicked something awful last Sunday, as the Saints beat 'em silly 49-21. Still, Jared Goff put in respectable numbers - three touchdowns, one INT and 214 yards on 20 completions. Just, uh, overlook all the times he got sacked, though.

New York Jets (3-8)
Season Point Differential: -70

Ryan Fitzpatrick put in arguably his best showing in quite some time in the Jets' 22-17 loss to the Pats. He posted two touchdowns and 269 yards on 22 completions, which was pretty damn close to Tom Brady's stats on the day. 

Jacksonville Jaguars (2-9)
Season Point Differential: -79

The Jags at least made things interesting against Buffalo. In the 28-21 loss, Blake Bortles had 126 yards and two touchdowns on 13 completions - plus another 81 yards rushing, a sum that more than doubles the amount of scrambling real estate picked up by Tyrod Taylor in the contest.

Chicago Bears (2-9)
Season Point Differential: -86

Matt Barkley did surprisingly well in the Bears' 27-21 loss to the Titans on Sunday. He went 28 for 54 for 316 yards and three TD strikes. Of course, he also got intercepted twice, but hey ... that's what growing pains are all about, aren't they?

San Francisco 49ers (1-10)
Season Point Differential: -116

And with their 31-24 loss to the Dolphins, the 49ers are now officially eliminated from playoff contention. Colin "Fuck America" Kaepernick had a respectable showing in the loss, accumulating 296 yards and three touchdown passes - unfortunately, his lecturing to native Miamians about the virtues of the Castro regime didn't really go over as well as he had hoped...

Cleveland Browns (0-12)
Season Point Differential: -155

And the miseries continue for the Browns. With their 27-13 loss to the Giants behind them, Cleveland is just four games away from posting the second-ever 0-16 season in NFL history. Hell, the bad luck appears to be following players off the gridiron - just ask Browns bench warmer Robert Griffin III, who had his car broken into while his team got their asses kicked on the playing field.


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