Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Let's Play Walmart Bingo (Printable Scorecard Included!)

Don't forget to bring along your copy the next time you get a hankerin' for Dr. Thunder at 3 in the morning!

By: Jimbo X

Walmart - whether you want to admit it or not and regardless if such is a positive or a negative - has long been the heart and soul of every exurban and rural-but-not-that-rural community in America. Lest we forget, Walmart is the No.1 private employer in America for a reason - and not just because they produce one of the world's top-rated red wines, neither.

It's not too hard to locate one of the 5,000 plus stores in operation in the U.S. Odds are, you've got one within a 10 minute drive of your home (you know, pending you don't live way out in the boonies of New Mexico or North Dakota or something.) It's just about the most ubiquitous construct of post-World War II modernity you'll find anywhere in America, the perfect example of how new wave corporate mercantilism and the need for cheaply produced goods connects the sweatshops of China and Vietnam to the dilapidated trailers and substandard section 8 housing of the good old U.S. of A. In that, Walmart doesn't just exemplify the contemporary globalist consumer state, it pretty much embodies it in brick, mortar and blue polyester employee vests

But Walmart, as a physical state, is more than just a temple of shoddily produced wares and nutritionally-deficient foodstuffs. Verily, Walmart has become the new "town square," the very epicenter of non-urban/non-suburban American culture. And as such, Walmart tends to draw a very particular type of consumer and - to a certain extent - appears to engender very particular displays of in-store behavior, no matter what region of the country you may live in.

Ever the astute sociocultural commentators, we decided to turn that unmistakable Walmart mystique into something of an observational hobby - think of it like bird watching, only with way more meth mouth. Remember playing Bingo on road trips when you were a kid? Well, the same principle applies to the official Internet Is In America Walmart Bingo game - you use your peepers to explore your surroundings, and if you happen to spot five things listed on the printable scorecard below in a row - horizontally, vertically or diagonally - you win! It's good, clean, wholesome fun for the whole family ... you know, pending your parole officer will let you leave the house on the weekend.

(remember kids: always ask your parents for permission before using scissors)

For those of you who need the "targets" explained a little more in-depth, well, here you go:

  • ICP logo on anything - shirts, tattoos, hats ... they are all fair game, just as long as it has the unmistakable Insane Clown Posse iconography emblazoned upon it.
  • Mullet (male or female) - the second most passe haircut anyone could have. If it's male, it's called "the Joe Dirt" and if it's female, the technical nomenclature is "the Melissa Etheridge."
  • Hate group tattoo - not up to snuff on the latest and greatest white supremacist insignia? Don't worry - the ADL has all your bases covered for you.
  • Jheri Curl (male or female) - and the absolute most passe haircut anyone could have. If it's male, it's called "the Lionel Richie" and if it's female, it's called "the bitch Lionel Richie."
  • Child abuse (non-felony) - basically, anytime an adult whoops the living shit out of their kids for misbehavin' in public. Includes backhands, but anything with more force than that is generally reserved for the felony-level spot.
  • Racist t-shirt - none of this implied racism bullshit, we're talking apparel with fucking Klansmen, swastikas and the n-word unashamedly plastered on it. In more urban Walmarts, anything with Nation of Islam, New Black Panther or Nuwaubian Nation of Moors iconography will suffice.
  • Crying child - if you don't see this within your first five minutes in the store, I'm afraid you accidentally wandered into a Costco instead.
  • Person vaping indoors - because nothing says "I'm a rebel" quite like getting flavored fog all over the merchandise.
  • Pool of piss on floor (bathroom doesn't count) - concerned that a puddle of yellow stuff next to the Nabisco crackers endcap might be spilled Mountain Dew? Trust me, you will know whether or not it's the real deal as soon as you get into sniffing distance.
  • An expired item still on sale - the more likely you are to get salmonella from it, the better.
  • Man with no arm - yeah, it's pretty hard to miss this one.
  • Fist fight (interracial) - when whitey and the black man (or whitey and the Hispanic man, or the black man and the Hispanic man) get to scrapping in public, for some inscrutable reason. 
  • Free space - go ahead, mark yourself an "x" on the page already! Don't you feel like a winner already?
  • Fist fight (intraracial) - white on white, black on black, Hispanic on Hispanic, Asian on Asian, Middle Eastern on Middle Eastern or Indian subcontinent on Indian subcontinent interpersonal violence is all acceptable. I'm still not 100 percent sure Eskimos and Native Americans should be considered the same ethnoracial category, so if you ever see an Iroquois coming to blows with an Inuit next to the Gobstoppers bin, just use your best judgement. 
  • Woman with no leg - about as difficult to judge as the man with no arm from above.
  • Any Madea DVD - trust me, there are going to be tons of these fuckers all over the place - hell, you might even find one or two in the produce section.
  • Ugly people making out - because sometimes, all that value makes the facially challenged want to play tongue lacrosse in front of God and everybody.
  • Person over 300 pounds - shit, I'd be surprised if you don't check this one off before you even pick up a shopping basket.
  • Visible ankle monitor - you'd think most people would try to hide these things during public outings, but buddy, you thought wrong.
  • Shopper open carrying - sure, some of you may scoff at those people who bring loaded handguns into Wally World, but the moment ISIS invades the cereal aisle, you'll be glad they're packin' heat.
  • Child abuse (felony) - the kind of stuff that not only gets DFCS called on you, but insures you'll be on a registry of some kind for the remainder of your days.
  • High school classmate (shopper) - and holy hell, have they gotten FAT
  • Adult less than 100 pounds - should midgets count on this one? I'm still not entirely sure.
  • High school classmate (employee) - they look more or less the same as they did at graduation, only with way more "I don't want to live anymore" palpable in their stare.
  • Employee with obvious developmental disorder - Feel free to brush up on the latest DSM-V findings - armchair diagnosing the mental deficits of Walmart workers is almost as much fun as pretending your stuck in the mall from Dawn of the Dead and all the other shoppers are brain-eating zombies (and let's be honest - a lot of times, it certainly smells like it is.)
So go on ahead, folks, feel free to print out a couple of scorecards for your nearest and dearest friends, too. Shit, why run around trying to catch make-believe Japanese gremlins on your smartphone when you can walk into a brick and mortar Walmart and hunt for the wildest of prey in flesh and blood?

And as someone who has spent plenty of time in Walmarts throughout the American South, I can safely say there's just one thing more surprising than how many of the things listed above you'll witness - on any given day - at the local Wally-World ... and that's how fast it'll take you to check them off. Hit a store up during a good sales period and there's a pretty good chance you can mark off every single square on the map - and of course, the first person to send my photographic evidence of a Walmart Bingo clean sweep will win a SPECIAL PRIZE culled straight from the coffers of The Internet Is In America.

So what are you waiting for? Fire up the printer, grab yourself a well-oiled inkpen and get to searchin', why don't you? And if anyone gives you any lip about loitering, just tell 'em what I'd tell them ... your just doing a little observational science for the betterment of American society.


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