Saturday, January 21, 2017

LIVE Round-By-Round Coverage of Bellator 170: Sonnen vs. Ortiz!

The other MMA promotion kicks off 2017 with a show that's part new school, part old school and - as to be expected from Bellator - WTF all over.

By: Jimbo X

Say what you will about Bellator playing the TNA to the UFC's WWE, but in my humblest o' opinions, I actually think that the Bellator 170 line-up is BETTER than the one for UFC 208. You mean to tell me you'd rather watch a bunch of broads not named Ronda Rousey spend 25 minutes trying to tag each other and constantly missing instead of watching CHAEL MOTHERFUCKING SONNEN come out of retirement to pound on porn star-fucker Tito Ortiz's Easter Island-sized skull like a bongo for nearly half an hour? Watching what's left of Anderson Silva's career wither on the vine is more enticing to you than watching some random Gracie who hasn't fought since 2010 come out of the woodworks to fight a French-a-nese kickboxer in PRIME TIME? Watching Ronaldo Souza and Glover Teixeira wailing on glorified tomato cans has more appeal in your eyes than watching Paul Daley and Brennan Ward whack each other in the head for 15 minutes straight, or witnessing Emmanuel Sanchez and some Armenian motherfucker risk lifelong CTE complications for a $500 purse? If you think paying money to watch Derrick Lewis fight anybody is better than watching Derek Campos and Derek Anderson duke it out on Spike TV at no charge, I reckon you need to set yourself an appointment with a CAT scan, pronto.

Sure, Bellator 170 may not have as much weight on it as UFC 208, nor do the fights themselves have that much relevancy in the grand scheme of things, but who cares? The Bellator card is engineered to provide us nonstop action from start to finish, while the UFC card is glutted with mismatches and bouts almost 100 percent guaranteed to result in lay-in-pray snooze fests. We may not be getting the most pertinent matches with Bjorn Rebney and company, but at least we know we're getting something that ain't going to put us in a coma 90 minutes in. And hey, did I mention this shit IS FREE ON CABLE, too? Really, there's no excuse to skip out on this one - I say order you a pineapple pizza, kick back in your favorite futon, flip it on over to Spike and enjoy the simple pleasures of washed-up fighters trying to recapture their former glory (and a big enough payday to keep their lights on in February) before a LIVE national audience

The fun and games begins at 9 p.m. eastern on Saturday, January 21. Be sure to bookmark this page and hit refresh early and often, 'cause we're going to be bringing you (sorta) LIVE updates after every round. And without further adieu, who's ready to get knee deep into Bellator 170: Sonnen vs. Ortiz? That's right ... every last damn one of us.

OK, know how earlier I said this was going to be LIVE? Well, I will probably pause the live feed to go to the gym for an hour, so never mind. But I WILL cover all these fights before midnight. I promise 'ya.

Our announcers tonight are ... I have no fuckin' clue, to be honest. Anyhoo, on to the fisticuffs!

Lightweight Bout
Derek Anderson (14-2-0-0) vs. Derek Campos (17-6-0-0)

All in all, the curtain jerker might just be the best fight of the night on paper. Anderson's been fighting professionally since 2011, and he's currently riding a two-fight win streak, with decision victories over Saad Awad and Patricky Pitbull. Campos has been a pro since 2009 and has been a Bellator stalwart since 2012 - he, too, is on a two-fight tear, having chalked up successive victories over Djamil Chan and Melvin Guillard. You can't really call either of these guys elites at the moment, and it'll probably be awhile before either man is in line for a crack at the 155 pound bout. Still, considering their backgrounds, this should be a pretty competitive matchup regardless, and the odds of someone having their skull split open like a cantaloupe does seems pretty high.

Campos comes out to the theme from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly while Anderson comes out to the American flag and fire and shit. Campos in blue, Anderson in red. Solid jab from Campos to being. Nice overhand from Anderson. Good jabbing from Anderson. This is a catchweight bout, by the way. This is confusing as fuck - the dude in red shorts has blue gloves and the guy in blue shorts has red gloves. WHAT IS GOING ON. Campos staggers Anderson with another overhand. Leg kick from Anderson. Anderson's mouth guard goes flying. time out so Anderson can put that germy shit back in his mouth. Anderson whiffs on a huge hay maker. High kick from Campos. Knee from Anderson. Leg kick from Anderson. Anderson tags him a few times. Another big shot from Campos. Another big overhand from Campos. Campos with the world's shittiest spinning kick as the first round concludes. Pretty hard one to call, but I would give the SLIGHT tilt to Anderson.

Round Two. Campos swinging for the fences early. Anderson with a solid kick to the midsection. Campos with a solid punch to the, uh, clavicle? Campos with another shit kick. Campos drops him with an uppercut and he briefly has Anderson's back. Campos smothering his foe up against the cage. Campos with a Superman punch, but Anderson manages to block most of it. Definitely Campo's round. 

Round Three. Campos smothering Anderson up against the cage, looking for a takedown. He doesn't get it, so he just keeps whaling on him instead. Campos bleeding on the side of the head a little. Campos with a running takedown and Anderson catches him with a guillotine choke for like, half a second. Both men back up again. OK, Campos is the guy with BLUE gloves. So just invert everything I've said up to this point. Anderson with a kick to the head. And he's working a guillotine now. Campos out. Ninety seconds left. Hey, Big John McCarthy is the ref. Campos in side control now. He's punching the shit out of Anderson's liver. About 40 seconds left. Campos looking for another choke. Anderson punching him on the ground. He bullies Campos up against the cage. The two trade insignificant blows as the bell sounds. Eh, I'd give it to Campos.

And Campos is declared the official victor. 

Oh hell, Bellator gloves are on sale on the Internet RIGHT NOW!

Tito Ortiz rolls into the building in a white Rolls Royce. Chael Sonnen showed up earlier. Ortiz brings his kid and his whore with him. All right. Walking a puppy. Be back in a sec.

Also - Ortiz helped a guy move his stalled car out of an intersection. FUCKIN' HERO.

Featherweight Bout
Emmanuel Sanchez (13-3-0-0) vs. Georgi Karakhanyan (26-6-1-0)

Since joining Bellator in 2014, Sanchez has amassed a 5-2 record, with wins over Justin Lawrence, Daniel Pineda and Stephen Banaszak. Georgi, on the other hand, is a journeyman fighter from Armenia who's been brawlin' for them dollar, dollar bills, ya'll since 2006. A Bellator staple since 2015, he's on a two fight winning streak at the moment, last seen beating Kirill Medvedovsky by shoulder injury at an event in Israel last November. While neither of these guys will probably ever be Featherweight Champion material, they at least have a steady track record of putting on entertaining, face-rocking fights - which, while bad for their medulla oblongatas, bodes really well for the TV audience.

Georgi is the bald one. The one that isn't is Sanchez. Georgi kicking that motherfucker like crazy. High kick from Sanchez. Kick to the midsection from Sanchez. Georgi bullies him into the cage. Georgi with the takedown. He has Sanchez's back. Now Georgi is just hugging him. Now he's kneeing him in the back. Georgi still trying to get the takedown. Now Sanchez has Georgi's back and is looking for a choke. I mean he is LITERALLY piggy-backing that fucker. Alas, Georgia survives. I'm giving it to the G-Man.

Round two. Georgi tries to get his back and we have a slug fest ensuing. Sanchez gets the takedown, and now he's pummeling da fuq out of Georgi. Sanchez hitting him with everything he's got. Sanchez has him flattened out on his back. Georgi not even trying at this point. The ref orders a stand-up. But he tells Georgi he has to go back to being flat on his ass on the canvas instead. Well alright then. Hammerfists from Sanchez. Jerry Rice - having put down his chicken helmet long enough to access the Internet -  is tweeting about Bellator. Sanchez sent to the corner for kneeing a "downed opponent." Well, that's going to fuck up the scorecards. Now Georgi is acting like he's half dead to get the free time off. Now a doctor is looking at hi and he says "OK, you're good to keep getting your ass kicked again." Georgi with a takedown but WHOOPS! Sanchez gets his back on the rebound. About 20 seconds left. Sanchez just cradling him as the round expires. I don't even know how the fuck to score that.

Round three. Georgi with the takedown early. Georgi trying to get Sanchez's back. He has it. Sanchez trying to fight out. Both dudes look gassed as fuck. Two minutes left. Not a whole lot happening here. Georgi with some punches while hugging Sanchez. OK, Georgi ALMOST has the choke. And he loses it. Minute left. Now the two are flail fighting on the canvas. Georgi holds on to Sanchez's waist and wacks him in the back of the head as it wraps up. This thing will almost certainly be a draw because of the shenanigans in round two.

So naturally, Sanchez wins it by majority draw.

Laila Ali in the crowd. So is Dan Henderson and some blonde ho. Scott Coker is hanging out with Demi Lovato, of all people. Now Matt Mitrione is talking about fighting Fedor. "He's just a guy I'm going to punch in the face for money," he says.

OK, the hosts are named Sean Grande (for real) and Jimmy Smith. Time for 20 minutes of filler, ya'll!

Middleweight Bout
Hisaki Kato (6-2-0-0) vs. Ralek Gracie (3-0-0-0)

Of course, what Bellator event would be complete without at least ONE freakshow attraction? This time around we've got a good 'un, as French/Japanese kickboxer Hisaki Kato - prolly best known for landing the Superman punches of all Superman punches against Joe Schilling a few years back - goes toe-to-toe with RALEK FUCKIN' GRACIE, who hasn't fought since 2010. So let's see - we've got an undersized karate man going up against a lumbering BJJ specialist who hasn't stepped into the cage for more than seven years ... honestly, what could POSSIBLY go wrong here?

Gracie comes out to that one song from The Last of the Mohicans because all Gracies must come out to that song or else. They call Kato "The Japanese Musketeer," which is easily the lamest nickname for anything ever.

Kick to the midsection from Gracie. Kato chases him down but doesn't land anything. Another shitty midsection kick from Gracie. Gracie falls down on a kick and Kato hits him with his pillow hands a few times. Gracie keeps lifting his leg up like a dog trying to piss as a feint. Gracie is like a really, really shitty version of Cung Le - way past his prime Cung Le. Lotsa' circling goin' on now. The crowd is starting to boo the inaction. Two minutes left. Kato looks like he's afraid to punch anything or it will give him AIDS. OK, Kato finally lands some punches. Gracie falls down after kicking Kato. KATO LANDS THE SUPERMAN PUNCH. He has 20 seconds to put Gracie away. He's back up with ten seconds to go. Gracie does the tard stomp one more time before the bell sounds.

Round two. Leg kick from Kato. Crowd booing again already. Another hard leg kick from Kato. Ain't shit happening now. Kato with a kick to to the midsection. The ref temporarily stops them. The (in)action resumes. Kato with some heavy shots up against the cage. Kato rushes him, gets a few good shots in and retreats. Two minutes left. More circling. Kato kicks the shit out of Gracie's leg. Gracie with a kick to the knee. Tard stomp from Gracie. Kato acts like he's going to punch him but he doesn't. Kato gets a high kick in and that's it for the second. Definitely a 10-9 for Kato.

Round three. King Mo, Wanderlei Silva and Fabricio Werdum are in the house. Kato with leg kicks. Fans booing the fuck outta' this one. Gracie with a knee to the head. Then a knee to the stomach. Gracie pushes Kato up against the cage. He is looking for a takedown. Kato with two solid kicks, then Gracie - amazingly - gets the takedown. He is in the full mount. Two minutes to go. Gracie still trying to find something. Minute left. Gracie in side control. He goes back to the full guard. Gracie looking for a choke, but there's not enough time on the clock to secure it. I'll give this round to Ralek, but Kato certainly won rounds one and two.

Shit, listening to the fans LITERALLY chant "fight, fight, fight" because the two men in the cage weren't is all sorts of hilarious. It's not quite as bad as last year's unforgettable Kimbo/Dada disaster, but it's definitely the early front runner for worst fight of 2017.

Kato wins it by unanimous decision. The main event for the March 31 show is King Mo versus ... wait for it ... RAMPAGE JACKSON. Oh shit, 2009 is going to be the best year in MMA history!

By the way, this is the last fight of Ortiz's career. Ortiz said he sacrificed his life for 14 weeks to give the fans the Tito they deserve.

Welterweight Bout
Paul Daley (38-14-2-0) vs. Brennan Ward (15-4-0-0)

Whoever wins this one can rightly claim a spot on the global top 10 Welterweight rankings - well, top 20, certainly. Sure, sure, we all know Paul Daley most because of that one time he sucker punched Josh Koscheck after the bell, but let's not overlook his career since - 15 wins and just 5 losses in no less than ten different companies. Conversely, Brennan Ward is a homegrown product who won their crappy The Ultimate Fighter knockoff a couple years back, who has collected a 10-4 record in Bellator since 2012. Considering the organization's slim pickings at 170, methinks the winner of this one is next in line for a title shot - and if you can actually NAME Bellator's Welterweight title holder as of the current, consider yourself A TRUE MMA nerd.

One announcer said this could be the most anticipated co-main event in Bellator history, although he carefully added "it won't be pretty" immediately after. Ward comes out to bagpipe music which turns into some sort of shitty techno-rap-rock song. An aside, but what the fuck does "Semtex" mean, anyway? Ward is actually from Connecticut, which isn't in the U.K., in case you didn't know.

The ref has Willie Nelson ponytails in his beard. Big leg kick from Daley. Ward tosses Daley on his ass. Both guys looking for the knockout shot early. Takedown for Ward. Both men back up. Big overhand from Daley. Punch to the midsection by Daley. Ward with another takedown. Ward trying to get Daley's back. Daley lands a spinning back hand and THEN HE FUCKING KILLS HIM DEAD WITH A STRAIGHT KNEE SHOT TO THE SCHNOZ.

The knockout came at 2:27 of round number one. He says he's going to knock the fuck out of Rory MacDonald, and that made me LOL.

Nate Diaz is in the crowd. Ortiz is in the back wearing a flaming wool knit cap that says "Punishment." Meanwhile, Sonnen is in the back, with water all over his face for some reason.

Jon Lovitz is in the house! Good, because this show stinks.

Light Heavyweight Bout
Chael Sonnen (28-14-1-0) vs. Tito Ortiz (18-12-1-0)

At the ripe old age of 41, Tito Ortiz is still fighting ... just not very well, as indicated by his 3-7 record since 2008. Still, he is 2-1 in Bellator, with wins over Stephan Bonnar and Alexander Shlemenko, so that probably counts for something. Meanwhile, this is 39-year-old Sonnen's first fight since retiring at UFC 167 all the way back in 2013, so yeah, there ought to be a whole lot of cage rust to shake off there. A FOTY contender this thing prolly won't be, but c'mon - you mean to tell me you don't want to watch two of the greatest shit-talkers in MMA history go at it? Hell, the post-fight interview possibilities alone more than justify this bout's existence.

"Too Much Fun" for Chael Sonnen, as he comes out to a collection of some of his old school shit-talking highlights (with all the references to UFC fighters edited out, naturally.) Tito comes out wearing his flaming pants and carrying the half U.S./half Mexican flag. He's accompanied by a bunch of U.S. Marines. Pretty sure his walkout track is "Mosh" by Eminem, but I could be wrong. But probably not. And here come Chris Daughtry to do the National Anthem.

Huge pop for Tito. Milder pop for Sonnen. Both men slugging it out early. Tito with a takedown. Sonnen looking for a choke. It is deep. Looks like a D'arce. Tito fighting it. Chael transitions to a guillotine. Ortiz hanging in there. Tito pops his head out. Ortiz on top now and landing some solid elbow shots. Now Ortiz is looking for a choke. Tito has a rear naked choke in. SONNEN TAPS.

Ortiz does the grave digger taunt one last time. The official time was 2:03 of the very first round. "Ortiz rules!" Tito screams before his son lays his gloves down in the middle of the cage.

"He has not only raised three children," one of the announcers says, "he has also helped raise this sport." Oh, and the dude walks out of the cage wearing a Make America Great Again shirt, because fuck, why wouldn't he? He chugs a bottle of water in front of a jumbo video screen that reads "THANK YOU," and this show is all over, folks.


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