Friday, March 3, 2017

LIVE Round-By-Round Coverage of UFC 209: Woodley vs. Thompson 2!

Too broke to afford Fight Pass? Your laptop too shitty to stream it for free online? You local sports bar too cheap to order the PPV? Worry not, fight fans - our LIVE round-by-round coverage of UFC 209 will keep you in the loop all night long.

By: Jimbo X

Well, it only took 'em a good three months, but we finally have ourselves a UFC PPV spectacle worth a toot. We've got old school Pride FC heavyweights set to wallop and whale the shit out of each other, a bunch of scrappy young guns in the Lightweight Division trying to make themselves famous, two old ass middleweights trying to score one more triumphant victory under the bright lights before they get sent out to pasture, an absolute barn burner of a 155-pound match-up for the weight class' participation trophy championship (LOL, J/K, we're getting two women fighters you don't care about instead) and wrapping the whole hootenanny up like a warm flour tortilla, a re-do of one of the most entertaining championship bouts from last year, featuring arguably the two most entertaining strikers in the Welterweight fray trying to scramble each others' brains for that sweet, sweet contract extension moolah. So, yeah, to steal a nearly 30-year-old line from The Simpsons, the only reason you should miss UFC 209 is if you're dead or in jail ... and if you're in jail, break out.

Oh, but what's this? You mean you don't have enough cash on hand to order the PPV for you and your loved ones, or the proprietor of the wings-and-titties restaurant you normally watch your UFC shows at finally blacklisted you for trying to give one barhops too many the old magic thumb? Well, don't you worry your precious little heads off, kids, because we here at The Internet Is In America have got your back like chiro-pract. Starting at 10 p.m. Eastern time on SATURDAY, MARCH 4, we're going to be bringing you LIVE updates from UFC 209, with instant results, insight and additional commentary posted in between each round of every fight. Trust us, kiddos - you won't find funnier (or faster) live UFC commentary anywhere (and if you do, they prolly stole their shit from us, so fuck them right in their shitty brown anuses.) 

So what are you waiting for, Holmes? Go on ahead and bookmark this shit RIGHT NOW so you don't miss a single punch, kick, concussion, and/or broken ice pack this Saturday night. And do us and yourselves a favor and tell all your MMA living buddies about our free service - we appreciate the business.

Alright, we are coming to you LIVE from the T-Mobile Arena in Las Vegas. We've already had two all-time classic comebacks from Iuri Alcantara and Darren Elkins on the preshow ... are we destined to see at least one more on the paid portion of tonight's festivities?

Doing commentary duties tonight is the trifecta of Jon Anik, Joe Rogan and Dominick Cruz. In the light of Khabib's weight-cutting snafu, Rogan said he would like to see the UFC move to having fighters fight at their "natural weight," while Cruz says, "nah, fuck that shit, if you can't cut weight that just means you're not a professional."

Alistair Overeem (41-15-0-1) vs. Mark Hunt (12-11-1-0)

Well, this has to be the best PPV curtain jerker (based on name value alone) the UFC has given us in a long time. This is actually a rematch from the DREAM FC days; back in 2008, 'Reem pretty much reamed Hunt up the ass with an Americana and made tons of fun tap out in just 71 seconds. Of course, since then, Hunt's overall MMA game has improved considerably, while Alistair has been a model of inconsistency, somehow being able to royally fuck up Andrei Arlovski and Junior dos Santos only to get his face rocked off by Ben Rothwell and Travis Browne. Both heavyweight stalwarts are coming off big-time losses/no-contests (a title fight loss against Stipe Miocic for Overeem, a drug test overturned loss against Brock Lesnar for Hunt), so yeah, both fighters could really, really use them another notch on the "W" side of their respective win-loss columns. And since neither man can really afford another defeat on their records at their ages, methinks both of these chaps don't really have an excuse to not look for a truly spectacular finish here.

Hunt out to some hippity-hoppity shit first. Rogan notes that it's pretty rare to see two K-1 Champions in the Octagon at the same time. Overeem out to some orchestral stuff that sounds like something out of a PS2 real-time-strategy game. Hey, did you know Overeem has the highest striking accuracy in UFC history? Well, he does. Oh, and in case you wanted the specifics: Reem has an eight inch reach advantage and is LITERALLY half a foot taller than Hunt.

Hunt gets a pretty big pop while Overeem is soundly booed. Hard leg kicks from Hunt early. Overeem whiffs on a one-two counter combo. Hunt's foot is bleeding like fucking crazy. Reem with a sidekick. Now he's kicking the shit out of Hunt's legs. Big kick from Hunt to Overeem's midsection. More leg kicks from Reem. Now Hunt is firing some leg kicks. Hunt has painted Reem's bicep and leg with his own blood. Hunt tries to chase Reem down in the waning seconds of the round, and Reem literally runs away from him. Hunt hits a big elbow and a few blocked overhands as the bell sounds. Eh, I give it 10-9 to Reem.

Round two. Hunt has a big gash on his ankle, and it's all vaselined up now. Reem tries to hit a spinning back fist, but he can't land it. Now Hunt's nose is bleeding. Reem with a HUGE knee to the stomach. Then another one. Reem crushing Hunt against the cage. Cruz says getting kicked in the leg is like getting poked in the gut with a sharp broomstick. Just how often does that happen, exactly? Hunt with a HUGE elbow that staggers Reem. Reem responds by hugging him against the cage and hitting him with some of his own elbows. Reem with a knee. Hunt eats a knee to the gut. Hunt's hair is dyed pink from blood. Hunt throws some big elbows as the round concludes. 20-18 Reem in my book.

Round three. Rogan says he has blood spatter on his notes. Reem whiffs on a big overhand. Hunt chases Reem again and he starts running away like a scared little bitch. Reem pushes Hunt against the cage and hits him with knees. He lands a HUGE knee to Hunt's head and he is fucking dead. A few more knees, and the ref waves it off.

The official time of the knockout is 1:44 of round three. I skipped the post-fight interview to get a bowl of chili and I frankly don't give a fuck what I missed.

Amanda Cooper (2-2-0-0) vs. Cynthia Calvillo (3-0-0-0)

Well, this fight right here wasn't even supposed to be on the free Fox Sports portion of the card, but thanks to Khabib Nurmagomedov almost sending himself to Islam heaven (if you die trying to cut weight, is that enough to score you those 72 virgins?), we get the PRIVILEGE and LUXURY of watching two 115-pound blonde hos nobody cares about pitifully whaling on each other for 15 minutes as a last-second replacement. Of course, the only time I care about women fighting is when they're scratching each others' eyes and yanking on each others' hair in a battle to determine who sucks my dick first, so if I just so happen to dip out for the next half hour, surely, you'll empathize with my decision-making.

Cynthia comes out to "Jump Around." Cooper comes out to ... I don't know, but it sounds like Taylor Swift back when she was still doing country music. Cynthia is the favorite, even though she turned pro just seven months ago. Herb Dean is the referee so you know one of these women have to die before the fight gets stopped.

Cynthia with some leg kicks, then a takedown. Cooper in the open guard. She stands up and Cynthia does a full 360 rotation taking Cooper down again. Cynthia has her back and is looking for a choke. Cruz says women are a lot more flexible then men - feel free to take that one out of context. Cynthia sinks in a choke, Cooper fights it for awhile, she's almost out of it ... and Cynthia sinks it in even deeper and Cooper has to tap. Well, how about that.

The submission came at 3:19 of the very first round. Holy shit, Cynthia sounds like she's a 12 year-old white girl.

Time to pimp UFC 210 and the Daniel Cormier/Anthony Johnson rematch ... and the next fight on tonight's show. Good lord, Rashad Evans looks so much like Tracy Morgan now it's horrifying.

Rashad Evans (24-5-1-0) vs. Daniel Kelly (12-1-0-0)

It's been about a year since we last saw Evans in the Octagon. And seeing as how he got KTFO by Glover Teixeira in less than two minutes, yeah, he prolly wants to forget about that unfortunate little episode in the worst way possible. Enter one-loss Aussie judoka Daniel Kelly, who is currently riding a three fight win streak and is 5-1 all-time in the UFC. Although a fairly random sounding match-up, it nonetheless offers plenty of intrigue. With both of these dudes approaching 40 (and neither one expecting a crack at the 205 belt, for any reason whatsoever), expect both of these cagey vets to bring their A-game here; a victory may not do much for either man's legacy, but it might just be enough to extend their viability as UFC-caliber professional fighters for another year or two. Fighting for a belt is one thing, but fighting to keep food on the table and avoid a trip to the unemployment office? Yeah, the prospects of picking up a paycheck from Bellator ... or god help 'em, World Series of Fighting ... ought to be more than enough to get both these motherfuckers swinging for the fences like their livelihoods depend on it.

Kelly comes out to some Pat Benatar-sounding shit. And he could also be Brett Favre's stunt double. "That knee is wrapped up like a mummy," Rogan comments on Kelly's ginormous leg brace. Rashad out to the N.W.A. version of "Express Yourself." Yeah, he looks WAY skinnier at 185 than he did at 205.

Kelly is so white and flabby he could cosplay as the Pillsbury Dough Boy. He gets virtually no reaction from the crowd. Evans gets a bigger pop, but it's nowhere near as big as you'd have expected. Evans whiffs on a big kick. Kelly with a big left hand. Kelly stuns Evans with another hook. Evans lands a takedown. Kelly right back up. Evans lands an uppercut. Kelly responds with a heavy left. Kelly bleeding a little now. Kelly with a big shot in the clinch. Heavy kick to the midsection from Evans. A hard round to score, but I'd give the slight edge to Kelly.

Round two. Dude, Rashad's facial structure doesn't even look the same anymore. He literally looks like a dried out beef jerky version of himself. Kelly using a leg trip to set up the jab. Pretty unorthodox, but hey, it's working. Another clinch. Evans shoots for a takedown. He can't get it, but Kelly does land a leg sweep. Both men back up. Kelly gets poked in the eye, so we have a delay in the action. Oh yeah, Evans thumbed his socket like a Nintendo controller on that one. Evans with a body kick. Kelly with a good combination. Evans with a takedown. He misses a roundhouse kick on the follow through. Body kick from Kelly. Evans really doesn't know what to do with a dude fighting in the southpaw stance. 20-18 Kelly in my eyes.

Round three. Kelly has outlanded Evans 45-18 so far. Kelly with another leg trip. Kelly with a leg kick. The announcers keep saying they don't know who the fuck is winning under the new scoring system. Evans with a good uppercut. Evans with some desperation body kicks. Evans misses on a head kick but lands a nice combo - and then Kelly makes Evans eat a hand sandwich. Both men throwing short range punches. Minute to go. Kelly lands an uppercut and another trip. Rashad grabs Kelly's shorts and gets admonished by the ref. Rashad swinging like crazy in the final 10 seconds, but nothing is good enough to get the last second KO. I've got it 29-28 for Kelly.

29-28 for Kelly; 29-28 for Evans; and 29-28 for ... Daniel Kelly.

He tells Rogan he's wearing the knee wrap because he has a torn ligament or something. Hey, Francis Ngannou and some dude from the Blue Jays is in the house! And there's Tony Ferguson. "Maybe Khabib can take some lessons on cutting weight from Dominick Cruz," Rogan declares with palpable disappointment. 

Khabib Nurmagomedov (24-0-0-0) vs. Tony Ferguson (23-3-0-0)

Hey, you know what the UFC could use way more of? INTERIM CHAMPIONSHIPS. Well, this contest here is for the (not quite) 155-pound championship strap, which means whoever wins this one will almost certainly be duking it out with Mr. Money Bags himself at some point in the future (y'know, pending McGregor won't be sitting on the sidelines waiting for that gajillion dollar boxing match with Mayweather for the next couple of years ... which, honestly, sounds like something he would do, the more you think about it.) Regardless, this ought to be a good one, seeing as how it features the most dominant Russian ground and pound death machine since Fedor Emelianenko circa 2005 going toe-to-toe with a guy riding a nine fight winning steak in the UFC's most competitive division, with wins over the likes of Rafael dos Anjos, Lando Vannata, Edson Barboza and Gleison Tibau. So either Khabib's going to extend his unbeaten streak to 25-0 or Ferguson's going to extend his UFC Lightweight Division winning streak to 10-0. Either way, a win here DEFINITELY ought to vaunt the victor to a real championship bout ... and perhaps even a spot headlining the most lucrative MMA show of all-time, assuming old Conor boy ever decides to re-enter the Octagon. (Actually, this isn't happening because Khabib tried to cut 35 pounds the night before the fight and almost died and had to be hospitalized. Ha ha ha, where's your Muhammad now, you commie Muslim Ruskie?)

Lando Vannata (9-1-0-0) vs. David Teymur (5-1-0-0)

Alright, so 24-year-old Vannata's UFC debut didn't go as swell as he had hoped, since he got D'arce choked by Tony Ferguson last July. However, he looked a lot more impressive in his second bout last December, when he wheel kicked the living fuck out of John Makdessi's face. Now Teymur, on the other hand, is this Swedish guy who is 2-0 in the UFC, chalking up knockout victories against Martin Svensson and Jason Novelli in 2016. So both of these guys are young up-and-comers who each have only tasted defeat once in their professional careers. In a talent-glutted 155-pound market, these guys have a long way to go before they can rightfully consider themselves "elite" lightweights. Alas, the march of a thousand miles begins with but a single step, and for one of these two men, a victory tonight marks their first step towards ... well, who the hell knows, really. As long as someone gets kicked or punched in the face hard and often, I reckon we're all going to be winners when these two fellas square off.

Teymur comes out to some sexy European soft rock. Vannata out to some generic rapping stuff. And if Dominick Cruz ain't bullshitting us, Vannata might just be the only fighter in MMA history to list "BMX" as a discipline.

Vannata looks way too much like Ed Norton in American History X for it to be a coincidence. And of course he would be the one wearing the WHITE trunks. Teymur with a front kick. Now he's throwing some leg kicks. Vannata with a spinning back fist attempt and Teymur tags him a good three or four times. VANNATTA WITH A FUCKING CARTWHEEL KICK. Teymur hurt bad, but he recovers. Teymur with a knee to the stomach and Lando has to put his mouthpiece back in. Head kick from Vannata and then a spinning kick to the body. Teymur with a body kick. Lando shoots for a takedown. Teymur right back up. Both men exchanging leg kicks. Teymur tagging his ass with knees and overhand shots. Vannata lands another cartwheel kick with a few seconds left in the round. Tough to pick, but I'd give it 10-9 to Vannata.

Round two. Low kicks from both men early. Lando with a body kick, but Teymur catches it. Lando almost lands a spinning kick to Teymur's head. Good combination exchange. Lando whiffs on another spinning kick. Teymur with a pair of nasty knees to the midsection. Lando catches Teymur's leg and fucking spin kicks him while he's still holding it. Both dudes land hard shots to the chin at the same time. Teymur bleeding under the eye now. Teymur with a takedown. Both men back up instantly. Lando lands a hard jab. Missed spinning kick from Vannata. Teymur with two hard knees and a hard ass jab to end the round. Another tough round to score, but I've got it 20-18 for Lando.

Round three. Lando still throwing spinning kicks. And Teymur - of course - responds with a knee to the stomach. HARD hit to the skull from Lando. Teymur with an inside leg kick. Clinch against the cage, with Teymur throwing knees. Lando with more low kicks. Teymur with a takedown. Teymur tags him with an elbow in the clinch. Teymur with another takedown. Both men clinching against the cage. Lando staggers him with a hard jab. Teymur with a knee to the stomach. Lando whiffs on a high kick. NASTY combo from Teymur and ANOTHER takedown. Some big shots late, but nothing to knock other men out. I give that round to Teymur, but on my scorecard, it's 29-28 Lando ... although I can certainly see the judges scoring it the other way around.

Well, it's 30-27 across the board for Teymur. It's hard to see how he won that first round, but whatever. In the post-fight interview, he thanks Jesus and asks Dana White for "50 Gs." Then he says something in his native tongue, and kisses Joe's microphone. Eww, germs and shit.

Hey, Luke Rockhold and Nate Diaz is in the house. And we reflect back on UFC 205, which means our main event of the evening is officially drawing nigh.

Tyron Woodley (16-3-1-0) vs. Stephen Thompson (13-1-1-0)

Alright, this one here is a re-do of the co-main event of UFC 205 - you know, the fight that's more famous for Bruce Buffer reading the wrong scorecard than the fight itself. While that one was an entertaining bout, for a fight that ended in a majority draw, it really wasn't all that competitive. Indeed, current strap holder Tyron Woodley had challenger Stephen Thompson under his thumb pretty much the entire fight, and he got awfully close to putting "Wonderboy" (yes, he did name himself after the old Sega Master System series) down and out for good several times. Of course, the whole reason we're doing the rematch to begin with (other than the fact there really isn't anyone else in the division available right now that's anywhere close to being a PPV draw) is because - and you've got to give this kid some serious credit here - that Thompson chap absolutely refused to die, absorbing an absolutely absurd number of near-match-ending blows without keeling over, and even putting up a noble (albeit fruitless) comeback-for-the-ages attempt in round five. The plot couldn't be any simpler here, kids. Will fight two play out like a carbon copy of the first fight - with Woodley negating Thompson's ranged strikes and carving him up with quick and heavy shots up close, followed up with a steady diet of ground and pound - or has Thompson watched enough tape and spent enough time on the mat to find up a way to exploit Woodley's standing vulnerabilities in the clinch and less than stellar takedown defense? That's why we have fights in the cage, my friends, as opposed to just gawping at them on paper.

Yes, Thompson does indeed come out to "Wonder Boy" by Tenacious D. Woodley comes out to some rap music. Yeah, a big shocker there, I know. Oh, and this fight is sponsored by Iron Fist, just so you know. Thompson gets a pretty good number of cheers during the fighter intros. Woodley gets just as much applause, if not a little bit more.

Thompson is the favorite in this fight, per Anik. Wonder Boy with a front leg side kick. Head kick from Thompson. And another one. Fans booing the inaction. Woodley with a high kick that misses by a mile. Thompson staggers him with a combo, then he slides right back on out. Woodley with a shitty leg kick. Virtually nothing going on in the last 15 seconds. 10-9 for Thompson, no question.

Round two. Thompson with leg kicks early. A total reversal of the first round, with Woodley now the one pressing Thompson against the cage. OK, and as soon as I type that, they change positions. Holy shit, these two are doing everything possible to not make contact. It's not quite Severn/Shamrock, but it's definitely bad. Woodley gets a quick flurry, and that's literally the first offensive display we've seen in this round. Wonder Boy bleeding a little. Thompson with a kick to the face. It's a 7-7 tie in significant strikes. Nothing happening in the waning seconds but a crappy kick to the midsection from Thompson. The fans are shitting all over this thing and it is glorious.

Round three. Thompson with a leg kick. Woodley shoots for a single leg and he's bullying Thompson against the cage. And now he gets the takedown. Woodley landing some punches on the ground. Woodley landing a million billion shots to the midsection. Thompson up, and we're clinching against the cage. Thompson with a jab to the chest. Thompson whiffs on a head kick. Good jabs from Wonder Boy. Woodley with a good right hand jab. Thompson with a flurry, but nothing connecting. He gets a big left hook as the round ends. 29-28, Thompson, in my book.

Round four. Woodley with a good jab. Woodley leads on head strikes, 13-7. Spinning head kick from Thompson. Another high kick from Thompson. Cruz loses all credibility as a commentator when he says this fight is playing out just like the first one. Woodley with a solid left hand. Thompson with a head kick. Woodley hits nothing but air as the bell sounds. 39-27 for Thompson - Woodley is going to HAVE to finish Wonder Boy to keep the belt.

Round five. Woodley coming out hard, trying to chase Wonder Boy down. The fans are chanting "fight! fight!" and it is damned hilarious. Nobody is landing anything. Two and a half minutes in and ain't Jack Shit happened. Thompson with a head kick. Two minutes left. Woodley with a jab to the chest. Thompson with a leg kick. One minute to go. WOODLEY EXPLODES AND HE HITS THOMPSON A THOUSAND TIMES. Woodley comes *this close* to finishing Thompson, but it just ain't enough to seal the deal. Woodley's round, for sure, but I have it 48-47 for Thompson overall.

And here's the official decision. 48-47 Woodley; 47-47; and 48-47 ... for Woodley.

Woodley booed heavily when he gets interviewed. Joe Rogan said it was an excellent fight, which means he has to be high as hell right now. Thompson said he's going to live to fight another day and the fans boo the shit out of him. Woodley poses for a post-fight photo with his mama and - mercifully - that's all she wrote, folks.


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