Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Sorry, But Smoking IS Sexy

If "big is beautiful," then why can't cigarettes be hot as fuck?

By: Jimbo X

Has anybody else noticed there seems to be a correlation between the decrease in general public cigarette smoking and the monumental uptick in obesity rates in the United States?

Because as much as the CDC hates it, there is:

Hell, if you were a text book manufacturer that specialized in introductory statistics books, you couldn't have asked for a better graph. Almost year-by-year there seems to be a push-and-pull effect where the number of people who quit smoking is almost proportional to the number of people who become medically obese. It's a Freaknomics anomaly of the highest magnitude - for whatever reason, the less people who smoke in these United States, the fatter our asses seem to get as a collective society.

Now this kinda' makes sense when you get down to the nuts and bolts of it. Smoking is supposed to suppress hunger, so I guess by default, if more people are suppressing their hunger via cigarettes, the less lardos we'd have stumbling to and fro coast-to-coast. In 1960 half the country smoked and only 10 percent of the general populace was obese. Flash forward to 2010 and the number of people who smoke has dropped by more than half while the number who are obese has almost quadrupled. If the trendlines above hold steady, by 2030 we're going to have the direct inverse of the situation in the 1960s; one in which just one in ten Americans smoke, but half of everybody in the country is unhealthily overweight.

At this point, the greatest preventable cause of death in the U.S. isn't smoking, it's being a fat sack of shit. And when it comes to annual medical costs, it ain't even close: smoking results in $97 billion worth of unnecessary health care each year, while totally unnecessary obesity-related health care tops $147 billion

Alas, while smoking has become socially unaccepted behavior constantly criticized as dumb and dangerous, nobody seems to be going after an even larger preventable health risk - which affects far more people in the U.S. and costs way more in health care to treat - as stupid, impulsive, irresponsible and suicidal behavior. In fact, rather than come to terms with the fact overeating is literally killing themselves, a large contingent of obesity apologists have instead embraced their reckless and dangerous lifestyles as perfectly acceptable, and deem anyone who dare criticize them for eating 8,000 calories a day and tipping the scales at 400 pounds as prejudiced misogynists.

So yeah, it doesn't make any damn sense, I suppose, for people to criticize cigarette smokers for being unhealthy but making it culturally taboo to condemn overweight people for the very same kind of voluntarily unhealthy behavior. Why is it considered sensible to automatically rate movies that depict smoking R to restrict children from seeing two-dimensional people enjoy Marlboros, but nobody's clamoring to rate movies that feature morbidly obese people an R to prevent kids from taking up their bad habits, too? If we're going to have 20 commercials every advertising block showing ex-smokers with holes in their neck, then shouldn't we be running P.S.A.'s of diabetics with their arms and legs sawed off as well?And it definitely doesn't make any sense to fucking celebrate morbid obesity as sexually alluring while simultaneously depicting cigarette smoking as the nastiest and most disgusting thing a human being can do with their mouth.

Let's face it, America, as much as we might try to deny it, cigarette smoking is sexy. It doesn't matter if you are male or female, there's just something about a person who lights up that gives them an extra sensual aura. In fact, the very act of smoking itself is basically simulated oral sex, with the smoker slowly, seductively performing fellatio on a slender phallic symbol. Now compare that to watching some 400 pound land whale slurp, gargle, chew and chomp their way through a buffet; it's like trying to sexualize a hog wallowing in its own slop.

Women who smoke cigarettes are among the hottest women on the planet. Angelina Jolie, January Jones, Katy Perry, Penelope Cruz, Rihanna - odds are, if there is a female celebrity you've fapped to over the last ten years, they're probably a confirmed cigarette smoker IRL. There's just something intrinsically alluring about a woman who smokes cigarettes. She has an air of danger and recklessness that I suppose is inseperable from looser sexual mores. Just about everybody agrees that women who smoke cigarettes are more likely to be sexually promiscuous and adventurous - hence, the age-old adage "if she smokes, she pokes." They tend to exude a greater air of confidence, a greater degree of femininity (why else do you think they call them cigar-ettes, after all?) and just generally make you think about sex more than women who don't - and certainly more than non-smoker women who's vice is instead cramming Oreos down her gullet like a vanilla creme powered slot machine.

Go ahead, rewatch Basic Instinct. There's a reason why Sharon Stone sucks on a cancer stick throughout the infamous interrogation scene. It's an innately sexual act that wouldn't have worked if she was doing something like eating a doughnut or drinking a Diet Coke. The cigarette smoking becomes a highly visual metaphor for sexual intercourse itself. Even with her muff half-exposed, the sequence wouldn't have been anywhere near as seductive had she been chewing on bubblegum or munching on potato chips - indeed, that only would have served to desexualize the character.

Shit, we all love Grease, don't we? Remember how Sandy finally managed to seduce Danny at the end of the movie? Well, she didn't slap on hoodie and start cramming Hostess fruit pies down her throat. Instead, she squeezed her ass into some impossibly tight leather britches, slicked on some blood red lipstick and lit up a cig - a symbolic representation of her newfound aggressive sexuality.

And  hey what about Beyonce's video for "Haunted?" She wasn't introduced in the video with up-close, lingering shots of her stuffing cheeseburgers in her mouth - she was introduced with a downright fetishistic clip of her slowly, sensually lighting up a cig and blowing smoke through her dark rose-tinted lips. The scene sure as hell ain't meant to repulse you - instead, it's meant to give you a rock hard chubby

There's almost a ritualistic beauty to women who smoke cigarettes. Watching them pirouette with a flaming rod in their hands as smoke pours out of their noses like supernatural mystics is so enticingly exotic, and - depending on the looks of the smoker herself - indelibly erotic. Of course, the mere act of smoking alone doesn't make a woman more desirable if she looks like Meg Mucklebones from Legend, but smoking can make a rather average woman look much more sensual and much more attractive. And naturally, it can make a very attractive woman look almost irresistible.

Dating a pretty girl who smokes is kinda' like dating a sorceress. Their cigarettes are like their charms or glamour or whatever other Wiccan fetish bullshit you want to call it. The miasma of the cigarette smoke becomes their signature scent which - coupled with their perfume and makeup - is this highly idiosyncratic (if not unforgettable) aroma. It clings to them and it just sucks you in - whether you find the scent naturally alluring or not - and it just intoxicates you. You know that old standard they tell you about kissing a smoker being like licking an ashtray? Well, that's a bunch of bullshit. Girls who smoke are almost always the best kissers because they literally taste dangerous. Making out with a woman who smokes is literally like making out with Poison Ivy; her mouth is ACTUALLY filled with deadly poison but you can't stop tonguing her because she's so hot and the sensation - while somewhat trashy - is just so damned pleasurable. I'll never forget making out with Steffy Goodrich my freshman year; feeling her nicotine and Grape Crush Lip Smackers tongue rolling around inside my mouth was absolute heaven. She's soooo bad for me, I kept thinking to myself, but that just makes me want to suck face with her even more. And the first time she "shotgunned" me while we were snogging, I almost passed out from the thrill - it was like some sort of dopamine receptor overdose or something. 

If I'm going to date a girl with self-destroying vices, a girl that smokes cigarettes is at the top of the list. If you date a self-described "BBW" (or, as we used to call them before pussies took over the country, "a big ol' fat broad") you KNOW you're going to be spending a shit ton of money on dinner and she'll probably make you pay for her Metformin at some point. Meanwhile, girls who smoke weed are the exact opposite of women who smoke cigarettes. Indeed, as much as I am attracted to decent looking hos that smoke Camels and Winstons, I am equally repulsed by women - regardless of their looks - who smoke pot. That smell isn't enticing or seductive or alluring, it smells like somebody took a piss on a plate of oregano and microwaved it for five minutes. Secondly, there's nothing sexy about watching a woman smoke a doobie - that is, unless the idea of watching some skank suck on what appears to be a flaming tampon gets you off. And don't even get me started on all those skaggs and skeezers that "vape" - watching some hoochie blow raspberry plumes out of something that looks like a tape dispenser holder isn't sexy, it makes them look borderline retarded.

Of course, I'm not going to say that women should start smoking if they already don't. The hypocrite I am, I would never marry a smoker, either - if a girl is over 25 and she still hasn't learned to stop doing shit she knows is gradually going to kill her 20 years early, there ain't no damned way I'm going to entrust my precious, precious SRY protein with her stupid ass ovum. But just on principle, I have a whole lot more respect for and tolerance of smokers than I do lumbering lard-asses whose daily calorie intake is north of five digits. Smoking might be a really, really bad decision, but at least most of the negative consequences of that bad habit are internal. Meanwhile, WE ALL get to watch the glorious end dividends of a four pack of Ho-Hos a day diet every day as we meagerly attempt to navigate our way around the 500-pound, multi-jowled blobs of redundant adipose tissue as they struggle to do even the most rudimentary of tasks, like tie their shoes or pull a massive ham-hock out of the middle of the aisle when we've got to piss at the movie theater. Shit, even lifetime smokers with charcoal black lungs tend to move along at zippier speeds than our overweight cohabitants ... and since they occupy less physical space, they're way easier to avoid, too.

Now, I'm no proponent of social engineering, but I reckon the womenfolk would all be a lot happier if they stopped eating so damn much and started smoking again. By 2030 I'd like to see the number of Americans who smoke cigarettes hit at least 30 percent of the adult population (which, considering the obesity/smoking correlation discussed earlier) would likely result in the nation's obese population declining at least 10 or 15 percent by default. Shit, back in the 1960s pretty much everybody smoked and the average U.S. man weighed only 166 pounds. Well, fast forward almost 60 years and just one-fifth of Americans smoke and now the average U.S. woman weighs at least 166 pounds. Despite all of that body-positivity rubbish, we all know women, deep down, are gloriously vain and insecure creatures who would gladly give up 20 IQ points in exchange for 20 less pounds sagging off their asses. That, and they're always stressed out because they took stupid courses like gender studies and philosophy of peace instead of learning real life skills, and since nicotine is supposed to relax the nervous system or some shit, maybe they should start smoking again just for the mental health benefits

Just take a look back at these two videos from the 1980s. Notice anything peculiar? Well, everybody's smoking, everybody's skinny and everybody's happy. Fat people, despite their reputation for being jolly, are always just the pissiest people. Go ahead, go on Tumblr and try reading some manifestos penned by 400 pound "body positive" social justice warriors. Their entire lives are fueled by a seething resentment of anyone and everyone who doesn't look and feel just as miserable as they do. Now think about any skinny girl in your life who smokes. I guarantee you she is awesome hang out with. She's funny, she's carefree, she has a great personality and you just plain want to be around her. And even if you don't think she's that pretty, you would still do her just because you like her personality. And why does she have that magnetic personality? Because she's not a self-loathing ham-planet and her entire life doesn't revolve around how stressed out she is because she smokes, that's why.

All these contemporary "feminists" would be a lot happier with themselves if they stopped eating Hot Pockets like Tic-Tacs and started lighting up instead. Did you know that cigarettes played a major role in the women's suffrage movement? That's right, back in the day it was considered unladylike for women to smoke, so by sparking up a "torch of freedom," smoking cigs became a radical, pro-feminist activity. I mean, it wouldn't be too hard to convince all of these hive-minded, 300-pound college juniors who've never taken a math class to realize junk food is the ultimate symbol of the patriarchy and sucking down totally organic, lesbian Native American harvested tobacco is the right moral choice. Have you noticed how feminism has become more abrasive and aggressive as women in general have gotten chunkier? Let's see all these third wave hippos trade in the Pringles and Oreos for a few years for some Winstons and Virginia Slims and I guarantee you the ideology as a whole will become noticeably less hostile. That's probably because there's a direct correlation between feeling your thighs touch when you waddle around everywhere and omnicidal hatred of everything that isn't you - sure, the tests haven't been officially conducted, but I think we already know the outcome before the results get printed in the Journal of Shit You Really Don't Need Graduate School Researchers To Tell You

Show me an America that smokes more and eats a billion pounds of pizza less and I'll show you a much happier society from coast to coast. Deep down, women - despite the shit they might post on Tumblr - don't really want to be morbidly obese psychopaths who mistake diabetes for a fashion accessory. They WANT to be lithe and flowery and thin and seductive instead of chubby, spherical, jelly-rolled and unable to paint their toe nails without a health care professional in the same room. Granted, cigarette smoking may cause a lot of damage in the long haul, but it's certainly no more damage than our obesity uber alles culture is wreaking right now. Yeah, the detrimental health care costs will be there, but at least we'll get far more women who look like sexy, slender, spindly and spidery femme fatales than pear-shaped know-nothings-and-eat-it-alls whose overall mass has a consistency closer to Silly Putty than anything remotely resembling the form of a human being

Smoking is dangerous, but the trade-offs of NOT smoking is even worse. Impressionable young women of America, I beseech you to put down the Dunkin' Donuts and toss the Pop-Tarts in the trash. Why mow down another carton of yogurt when you can consume zero calories, get a hearty buzz and be relaxed as fuck with a morning cigarette instead? Weed makes you want to eat everything in the postal code area, while cigarettes make you want to eat nothing ever again. They're so much better than diet aids OR anti-anxiety medications that it's ridiculous, and even if you live in some ultra-liberal nanny state hell hole like New York, it's still a cheaper alternative than whatever obesity-related medicines you have to shovel down your throat hole every day to keep your blood sugar from jumping out of your pores like in a John Carpenter or Hellraiser movie or something.

You'll lose weight. You'll be more comfortable with your body. You'll feel more relaxed. Everybody will think you are cool and countercultural and a natural leader. And on top of it, more guys will want to fuck you, or at the very least, buy you stuff so they can try to fuck you. At the end of the day, not only is smoking NOT a bad choice, for today's young women, it very well could be the best long-term life decisions they make in their late teens and early 20s.

There's literally no excuse anymore - college-aged women, if you want to actually enjoy your existences again, drop you Twinkies and bell hooks essay compendiums and score yourself a lighter and some Camels. What are you waiting for? Go out there and grab your patriarchy burning liberty torches, young ladies. Smoking very well could save your life, and if enough women start doing it, it might just save America, too.

1 comment:

  1. You're right, and you make some great points, but what's up with all the fat-shaming? Sure, it's not sexy, but you could have made your point about smoking being sexy without attacking fat people. You know there are actually people out there with fat fetishes too, right?


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