Saturday, July 29, 2017

The Rocktagon Recap of UFC 214: Cormier vs. Jones 2!

Can't catch the latest and greatest UFC PPV for some stupid ass reason? No problem, homey - our LIVE(ish) play-by-play coverage will keep you in the loop all night long.

By: Jimbo X

"It's unbelievable how fake you can really be. Like, you are just such a fucking pussy. My God, it is amazing. It is amazing. Bu you know, hats off to you. You've got a great P.R. person, they do a great job with training you because you are just terrible. You're the fucking scum of the earth. You are a terrible human being, but you can sure turn it on huh?"

- Daniel Cormier, on Jon Jones (2014)

"I'm going to make you my wife. You're going to be Mrs. Jones for the night. I'm going to rub on that big ol' belly and you're going to like it."

- Jon Jones, on Daniel Cormier (2014)

"Just one more fight / about your leadership / and I will straight up leave your shit / 'cause I've had enough of this / and now I'm pissed..."

Limp Bizkit, "My Way" (2000)

Yeah, old Freddy Durst was probably singing about the last dildo he had to retrieve from his rectal orifices, but his timeless prose from 17 years ago might as well be applicable to tonight's Light Heavyweight Championship tilt.

It's not just that the Cormier/Jones rivalry is the best in MMA. Nor is it the fact we've been waiting to see this damn thing for more than two years. It's the inescapable reality that these are indeed the two best fighters in all of mixed martial arts duking it out to determine - once and for all - who's really No. 1. This is Muhammad Ali taking on Joe Frazier in 1975, Evander Holyfield going toe-to-toe with Mike Tyson in 1996, yes, even The Rock taking on Stone Cold Steve Austin at WrestleMania 17. This is greatness against greatness to determine who's the absolute greatest at beating people up in an eight-sided cage in our era; not only is it that most important MMA fight this year, it might just be the most important MMA fight of this generation.

Hyperbole? Exaggeration? Your fine scribe pitifully and unwisely giving in to the UFC hype machine? Nay, this is about as good as the sport of mixed martial arts is going to get these days, and after so many last-second cancellations - not to mention the fact that Ronda Rousey and Conor McGregor have been AWOL all year long - the sport of mixed martial arts needs this colossal contest like a crack addict needs a glass bulb and a match. And oh yeah, some crack cocaine, too, I guess. 

Hey, speaking of crack cocaine, this marks the first appearance by Jon Jones - roundly considered the pound-for-pound best fighter of this generation (his lamentable extra-curricular activities, most of which involving hit-and-run encounters with pregnant women, obviously cast aside) - in more than a year. You don't need me to tell you what kind of bad blood he has with current 205-pound strap holder Daniel Cormier; there's a long string of video and audio documentation verifying that these two men really, really don't care too much for one another, and you can check that shit out on your own time. What this fight is about - and what makes it the biggest MMA contest of the year - is that each of the men headlining UFC 214 are fighting for something much larger than a championship title. For Jon Jones, a victory represents redemption for a good five years' worth of idiotic, self-destructive behavior, perhaps even portending greater glories in that great, vale tudo cage fight we call life ahead of him. And for Cormier? Not only is it a chance to avenge is sole loss as a pro MMA fighter, it would officially make him the greatest fighter of this era. Rather than being nothing more than a foot note in Jon Jones' history book, a win tonight would allow Cormier to author his OWN chapter in MMA lore. Simply put, both men are putting their legacies - what they will be remembered for 50 years after both of them are dead - on the line tonight. This isn't just the zenith of MMA folks, this is the zenith of the human condition. One man leaves with eternal glory, and the other man leaves with incurable bitterness for the remainder of his existence. A mere cage match, you say? Not even close, bud ... this is essentially a live-action Shakespearean drama unfurling live on PPV, only with no pulled punches and a pretty good chance somebody's going to get choked, clobbered or roundhouse kicked unconscious.  

Fuck Wonder Woman, fuck Spider-Man and double fuck The Guardians of the Galaxy - this is 2017's TRUE summer blockbuster, and if you miss out on this show live as it happens you're probably going to regret it for the rest of your life. But hey, why should you do without just because the $60 asking price to order the PPV is too much, or because your local sports bar is too cheap to spring for the show, or your computer is too old and slow and shitty to livestream anything that isn't running in Shockwave? Well, worry your little head no more, dear reader, because our patented, industry-leading LIVE(ish) play-by-play coverage is going to keep you in the know all evening long. Beginning at 8 p.m. Eastern time we're going to post practically INSTANT updates between every round of every fight, meaning you won't miss a single submission, knockout or stupid thing Joe Rogan says all night long. Next to actually being there in Vegas as it happens, this is undoubtedly the best way to soak up the UFC 214 experience, whether you're some poor shmuck who lives out in the boonies and has to use his burner phone to connect to the Web or you're just looking for some LULZ to supplement the show while you're cramming nacho chips down your throat hole down at Hooters or Twin Peaks or whatever chicken-wings-and-titties restaurant you like to frequent. So what are you waiting for? Go on ahead and bookmark this shit and start hitting the refresh button as soon as the formal show begins. And hey, why don't you kids do us a favor and tell all your Twitter and Facebook friends about our free of charge public service this evening? We'd greatly appreciate it, and you'll probably get a blow job out of it - somehow.

We are coming to you LIVE from Anaheim, Cucks-a-fornia. Our hosts are Jon Anik, Joe Rogan and Dominick Cruz. The California State Athletic Commission HAS adopted the new unified rules, so hopefully, that will keep the officiating shenanigans to a minimum.

FXX Prelim Bouts

Featherweight Bout
Calvin Kattar (16-2-0-0) vs. Andre Fili (16-4-0-0)

While Fili's original opponent was supposed to be Dooho Choi, the South Korean featherweight dropped out a month and a half in advance, and the first choice for a replacement, Artem Lobov, turned the gig down because apparently, he was going to make more money helping Conor McGregor train for his boxing match against Floyd Mayweather than actually competing in the Octagon. So enter Calvin Kattar, a 29-year-old UFC newcomer from Massachusetts who's currently riding an eight-fight win streak over a bunch of bums you've never heard of in the Boston area. Veteran Fili has to be the strong favorite heading into this one, but you never can tell what the hell's going to happen once that cage door locks; which means you've got a golden opportunity to make yourself famous tonight, Calvin - please, do try your bestest to not fuck it up.

Fili is two years younger than Kattar and has a two inch reach advantage. Kattar is the one who DOESN'T look like a tatted up date rapist, in case you were wondering. Hey, why else do you think his nickname is "Touchy?"

Kattar out with jabs and leg kicks early. Fili whiffs on a huge overhand. Fili with a body kick. Fili with another solid leg kick. Kattar with a good straight jab. Fili with a big overhand. More Fili leg kicks. Fili whiffs on a head kick. Fili with more overhands, buy Kattar is doing a good job blocking them. Kattar with a leg kick of his own. Fili with another leg kick. Kattar with a body shot. Fili whiffs on a huge kick. Kattar connects with his best jab of the fight so far. He connects with another jab. Both men throwing heavy shots, but nothing is really connecting. Kattar with a high kick. Fili with a high kick and several hard jabs. Kattar lands a good one-two combo. Kattar tags him again. Fili with more leg kicks. Kattar with a body kick. Fili with a knee to the face. Kattar stuffs the takedown attempt. Then he takes Fili down and pounds the shit out of Fili until the round expires. 10-9 for Fili in my books, despite Kattar's offensive flurry in the waning seconds of the frame.

Round two. A lot of head movement from both guys. Fili with a hard kick to the stomach. Kattar with a series of leg kicks. Fili with a hard jab to the chin. Fili whiffs on a head kick. Kattar with a hard shot that just missed knocking the fuck outta' Fili. Fili with a knee. Kattar with a hard right hand that staggers Fili. Kattar catches the leg and punches Fili upside the head. Kattar with another hard jab. Fili with a mean kick to the body. Kattar with a low kick. Fili almost connects on a head kick. Kattar whiffs on a would-be uppercut. Fili with a hard hand to the side of the Kattar's head. Kattar has landed 20 shots so far in this round, compared to Fili's 15. Kattar absolutely rocks Fili's face, but somehow he manages to survive the late onslaught. That was definitely Kattar's round, making this 19-19 all heading into the decisive round.

Round three. Goddamn, Fili has some of the goofiest head movement I've ever seen. Kattar whiffs on a roundhouse kick. Kattar knocks Fili down, but he's right back up. Kattar with a mean inside leg kick. Kattar with ANOTHER hard counter jab. Two minutes to go. Fili with an uppercut and a brief flurry of punches. Kattar back on the offensive, clipping Fili with a hard shot. Kattar goes for a flying knee and misses by about three miles. Kattar grabs Fili's leg and slams his ass to the mat. Katta is on top, elbowing the fuck out of him. He lets Fili get back to his feet. Less than 30 seconds to go. Fili misses on a headkick and doesn't hit Jack Shit for the remainder of the round. I've got it 29-28 for Kattar on my scorecard.

It's 30-27 across the board for Kattar. He says absolutely nothing interesting in the post-fight interview with Joe Rogan, so hooray for squandered opportunities!

Worst. Menage-a-trois. Ever.

Featherweight Bout
Renato Moicano (10-0-1-0) vs. Brian Ortega (11-0-0-1)

It's a battle of unbeaten 145-pounders, as Renato Moicana (3-0 in UFC competition since 2014) goes toe-to-toe with Brian Ortega (who is also 3-0 in UFC competition since 2014 ... you know, pending you overlook his no-contest after testing positive for the gas in his company debut.) Ortega hasn't fought in about a year since knocking Clay Guida's head off his spinal cord, while Moicano was last seen decisioning Jeremy Stephens in April. Both these guys are years away from title contention, but hey ... the longest journey does begin with a single step, don't it?

Moicano is the one with all of the MS-13 tattoos who looks like that kid who sat in front of you in eighth grade Algebra II. Ortega, conversely, is the one with the cornrow bun who may or may not have changed your oil the last time you went to Jiffy Lube. Moicana rattles off a couple of head shots. Ortega clips him with a big uppercut and Moicana responds with a nice counter jab. Ortega clips him again with a right hand. Moicana with two unanswered jabs. Now both men are swinging for the fences. And that's our cue for an eye poke timeout. Well, that's over with. Moicano bleeding like a motherfucker underneath his nose. Moicano grabs Ortega's leg and almost throws him through the cage. Moicana with a one-two combo. Ortega bobbing and weaving. A minute left. Moicano with a hard counter right. And there's anothe hard overhand from Moicano. Now Ortega is bleeding. Moicano with a flurry of punches and Ortega lands a jumping knee right as the horn sounds. 10-9 for Moicano, if you asked me.

Round two. Moicano comes out swinging. He almost takes Ortega's face on a high kick. Moicano with a good combo. And there's ANOTHER heavy overhanded shot from Moicano. Ortega whiffs on a roundhouse kick. Moicano lands a ton of shots in the clinch. Ortega with a stiff jab. Moicana with a great one-two-three combo. Ortega misses on an elbow shot. Ortega trying to pick his shots. Moicano lands a combo. He's got 26 landed shots to Ortega's 7 in this round. Ortega finally lands a combo. Moicano with a great straight jab. Ortega working some body shots now. Moicano with a hard jab. He whiffs on an uppercut. Ortega with more body shots. Moicano's face is all fucked up. And there's Moicano with a takedown with ten seconds to go. And there's where we stay until the horn. 20-18 Moicano on my scorecard.

Round three. Both these motherfuckers are throwing like crazy. Moicano with leg kicks. Ortega whiffs on an elbow strike. Ortega shoots for a takedown. He can't get it. Moicano with another hard jab. Ortega with more body shots. Moicano has 77 head strikes so far in this fight; Ortega only has 23. Moicano with a one-two combo. Ortega whiffs on an uppercut. Then he whiffs on a takedown. Ortega trying to chase Moicano down. Moicano clips his ass, then he takes him down but oh shit Ortega catches him in a guillotine - it's deep as fuck and MOICANO TAPS!

The official time is 2:59. That's his fourth consecutive third round finish in UFC competition, which has to be some kind of record. Ortega thanks God for the victory and says he and his camp knew Moicano was a "points fighter" and they've been working on that takedown counter submission for weeks.

Alright, time for Michael Bisping and Kenny Florian to give their input on tonight's main event. Yeah, this doesn't mean diddly to nobody, I reckon.

Catchweight Bout
Aljamain Sterling (13-2-0-0) vs. Renan Barao (35-4-0-1)

Don't ask me to get in the specifics, but apparently the California State Athletic Commission thinks it's totally cool if Renan Barao fights at 140 pounds but considers it a fucking LIFE-THREATENING PROPOSITION for him to fight at 135. Anyhoo, Sterling is nicknamed "The Funkmaster" and is fresh off a decision win against Augusto Mendes. Meanwhile, the former 135-pound champ is 1-1 since losing the belt, his last victory coming against Phillipe Nover about a year ago. Needless to say, both guys really need the W this evening to remain relevant in a talent-glutted division ... and something tells me both men will be looking for a spectacular finish, too. 

Well, it's pretty easy to tell these two apart. Renan is the tan fellow with the tattoo of his abuela over his left nipple while "The Funkmaster" is the one with the year-round-tan, if ya catch my drift. Funkmaster with a high kick right out the gate. Renan with some hard leg kicks of his own. Renan whiffs on a roundhouse kick but successfully hits a one-two combo on Funkmaster's chin. Hey, did you know Funkmaster was on the same wrestling team as Jon Jones? Well, you do now. Funkmaster goes for the Hulk Hogan Big Boot but Renan catches him and take shim down. But what's this, Funkmaster has a really good looking ankle lock in. Renan punching him, but Funkmaster ain't letting it go. He gives up the leg and Renan starts punching the shit out of him. Renan with more punches to Funkmaster's sides. Looks like Funkmaster is trying to go for an omoplatta, of all things, but he just can't hike his leg up there. Renan with knees to Funkmaster's ribs, then he hops back into the full guard. Renan trying to spin out, but Funkmaster has his arms tied up. Renan has outstruck Funkmaster 30 to 10 thus far. Funkmaster looking for a triangle, but Renan snakes his way out. Renan hops back in the full guard. And both men are content doing nothing as the horn sounds. 10-9 for Renan, without question.

Round two. Renan whiffs on a spinning kick. Funkmaster with a running boot to the stomach and a light jab. Renan kicks Funkmaster so hard his leg gives out. Renan goes for a choke, but Funkmaster gets out. Funkmaster pushes Renan against the cage. He's looking for a takedown, and he gets it. He has Renan's back. He has Renan's leg pulled 180 degrees over his head. Renan gets out, but Funkmaster still has his back. Now Funkmaster is delicately punching Renan's head. Renan trying to get back up now. Funkmaster isn't letting go of that bodylock. Now he's punching the shit out of Renan's head at will. He's landings some HARD shots. Renan escapes, but Funkmaster gets right back on top of him. He is murder death killign Renan with elbows, but uh-oh, now Renan is working for a triangle. He loses it. Now Funkmaster is kneeing the fuck out of Renan's ass. He's landing a billion elbows from the top and Renan is bleeding like a stuck pig - he's LITERALLY saved by the bell. 19-19 heading into the third.

Round three. That last one may have been a 10-8 for Funkmaster, so Renan HAS to finish him to win this bout. Funkmaster with a NASTY front kick to the face. Funkmaster has Renan pushed up against the cage. Funkmaster punches Renan's hips. "Renan's just trying to fill up that energy bar," Cruz says. Funkmaster with a high kick. Renan whiffs on an overhand. Funkmaster looking for another takedown. The ref says "get back in the center of the octagon, ya fucks." About a minute left. Renan with a high kick that don't connect with nothing. Funkmaster stuffs a takedown attempt. Renan has Funkmaster's back, but he literally isn't doing shit except holding him there. And there's the takedown. Funkmaster spikes Renan on the top of his head to finish the round, and we all LOL. That HAS to be 29-28 for Funkmaster, maybe even 29-27.

29-28, 29-27 and 30-26 gives Funkmaster the unanimous decision victory. Joe Rogan tells him to stop dicking around and start the interview 'cause they ain't got enough TV time left. He uses the national TV time to let everybody know he has some real estate available in Long Island, if anybody's interested.

Don't you just hate it when the walrus stops fights prematurely?

Featherweight Bout
Ricardo Lamas (17-5-0-0) vs. Jason Knight (20-2-0-0)

Lamas is 3-2 in his last five fights, his latest being a submission win against Charles Oliveira last November. Meanwhile, Knight is 4-1 during his UFC tenure, with his last foray in the Octagon concluding with a knockout against Chas Skelly. Seeing as how Knight is ranked 15th overall in the UFC featherweight standings and Lamas clocks in at the number three spot, a win for "The Kid" tonight would be nothing short of a gigantic upset - while a resounding win for Lamas might put him back in the running for a title shot once Max Holloway and Frankie Edgar are finished with their feudin' and fightin'.

Jason Knight is ten years younger than Lamas and apparently has the preamble to the Constitution tattooed on his ribcage. Lamas, meanwhile, looks like Miguel Torres circa 2009, sans that sweet, sweet ass mullet. Knight momentarily has a standing guillotine, but Lamas gets out of it. Knight still has it locked in, though. Lamas spins out into the side guard. Knight literally slaps Lamas with his feet. Lamas hops in the full guard. Knight has his leg hiked all the way up to Lamas' neck and is digging his heel into Lamas' side. Is he working for an omoplatta? Knight throwing upkicks like a motherfucker now. Knight has a heel hook in. Lamas escapes and both men are standing. Lamas landing a billion hard shots, but Knight doesn't go down. Fuck, how is he still standing? Lamas with a ton of hard head shots. No way Knight remembers numbers any more. Knight shoots for a takedown and just kinda falls down. Lamas with a HUGE bomb from the top. A few more punches and the ref (who, by the way, looks like Dr. Robotnik, only with his beard tied into Willie Nelson braids) says "that's all, Sweet Sue."

The official time of the TKO is 4:34. He says Knight has "some brass balls on him" and says he ought to call himself "the hillbilly zombie." Yeah, that performance was good enough to probably earn him a title shot sometime in early 2018. Too bad Rogan never said anything about his future plans, though.

Time for the main card, kids. Jeez, can you believe they're still using that "Now I'm Seeing Red" song for the PPV intros? LOL at Joe Rogan calling Cris Cyborg the "most feared woman" in the history of MMA. Even feared by that once in a human history female fighter you guys were so high on about two years back? Speaking of which, Tonya Evinger looks just like my middle school bus driver - do you know how masculine you have to look to make Cris by-God Cyborg look feminine by comparison?

PPV Main Card Bouts

Light Heavyweight Bout
Jimi Manuwa (17-2-0-0) vs. Volkan Oezdemir (14-1-0-0)

So is this an unannounced title eliminator bout? Depending on how things shake out, it very well could be. Manuwa has had back-to-back knockout wins against Corey Anderson and OSP, and if he wins tonight he'll almost certainly be next in line for a shot at the 205-pound belt. Oezdemir, on the other hand, is riding a four-fight win streak, complete with back-to-back wins against OSP and Misha Cirkunov (uh, just pretend you know who that is, OK?) Believe it or not, the O-Man is ranked fourth in the UFC Light Heavyweight rankings, and a victory (especially a flashy finish) this evening might actually propel him to the top of contender queue ... or, at least, earn him a date with the loser of tonight's main event match-up in a formal number one contender bout a little later down the road.

Volkan comes out to some Balkans-sounding hip hop shit. African-Briton Manuwa comes out to some even worse sounding hip hop shit that slowly turns into "California Love," so there's that, I guess. Holy shit, I had no idea Manuwa was 37-years-old. I mean, he doesn't look a day over 35 to me.

Volkan is ten years younger, but Manuwa has a nearly five-inch reach advantage. Manuwa with leg kicks early. Manuwa has him clinched up against the cage. Holy goddamn shit, Volkan just rocked Manuwa in the clinch, then hit him with about half a dozen shots that sent Manuwa flying halfway across the cage. About three shots on the mat and the ref waves this shit off already. The official time is just 22 seconds into the very first round. Oh, so that's why his nickname is "No Time!" In the post-fight, Volkan says "I don't know what's happening to my hands, it's dynamite," (or something like that, don't quote me on it) which gets a pretty big guffaw from the audience. He says he wants the winner of tonight's main event, and with a finish like that, the manly hunk of Swiss cheese might just get it.

Tony Ferguson, Paige Van Zant and Cub Swanson are all in the house. I've always wondered - do they have to pay for tickets to these shows, or is it all part of their official UFC contract?

Shit, I can't be the only one tired of Anik using the whole "they're closing the cage door" analogy, am I? Alright, time to pimp the Lawler/Cerrone bout now - not that it takes that much hype to get the fighting faithful excited for the match-up, eh?

Welterweight Bout
Robbie Lawler (27-11-0-1) vs. Donald Cerrone (32-8-0-1)

This is pretty much the fightiest fight of all-time. These two assholes are legendary for momentarily forgetting their years and years of technical training and instead engaging in retarded gorilla brawls with their adversaries, and putting these guys together in the same cage is pretty much the equivalent of watching a truck carrying gasoline slam headlong into a truck carrying shoddily-made Chinese fireworks. Even better, both fighters are coming off demoralizing losses, so you just KNOW they feel like they have to overcompensate tonight to get back in the title hunt. If this shit right here doesn't set a new CompuStrike record, I'll take a chomp out of my next turd and post it on Instagram.

Cerrone, as always, comes out to "Cowboy" by future U.S. Senator Kid Rock. Lawler (who is basically a miniature version of Junior dos Santos) comes out to some rap song that has some twangy country strings in it. Or something like that - I can't really hear shit. 

In case you were wondering if pro wrestling is on the cusp of being mainstream again, I just spotted a kid in the crowd wearing a Bullet Club tee shirt. Both men get big reactions, but I think Cerrone received the louder pop. Big John McCarthy is the ref. Lawler comes out and immediately punches Cerrone a million times, kneeing him in the solar plexus an additional half a million times. Cerrone's eye is aleady swollen shut. Big "Robbie" chant breaking out. Cerrone with more uppercuts in the clinch. "Cowboy" chants piping up now. Lawler has Cerrone bullied up against the cage. Both men back in the center of the cage now. Cerrone with a takedown. Cerrone in the north-south position. He knees Lawler hard in the back and they are both standing again. Cerrone with some whiffed kicks to end the round. I've got it 10-9 for Lawler.

Round two. Cerrone with a head kick, but Lawler blocks it. Cerrone with a leg kick. Cerrone with a good combination, his best of the fight so far. Lawler with a high kick. Cerrone fires back with one of his own. Cerrone whiffs on a flying knee. Cerrone with some HARD leg kicks. Cerrone with some heavy counter lefts. Cerrone with a hard knee to the body. Cerrone with ANOTHER hard kick to the stomach. Lawler now has a big red welt on the side of his chrome dome. Cerrone leading on total strikes, 45 to 42. Lawler with some vicious retaliatory elbows. Cerrone with a flush straight jab to end the round. Yep, it's 19-19 heading into the final frame.

Round three. Lawler connects on a head kick. Cerrone fires back with a knee to the body. Rogan says Cerrone was in a motocross accident that literally left his guts hanging out of his body. "He ain't got no liver!" Lawler's corner cries immediately afterwards. Cerrone shoots for a takedown but Lawler stuffs it. Cerrone with an elbow to the face. Another stuffed takedown attempt for Cowboy. Cerrone connects on a head kick. Both men swinging for the fences now. Cerrone with a knee to the head. About a minute left. Cerrone has landed 29 shots in this round, Lawler only 17. Lawler whiffs on a head kick, and that's the fight, folks.

It's 29-28 across the board to give Robbie Lawler the unanimous decision victory. The fans are booing like crazy. He says the last fight was dedicated to Matt Hughes. Joe asks him where he fits "in the big picture." Lawler says he's going to go hang out with his friends, ask him a little bit later.

Pictured: Eileen Wuornos on her way to the gas chamber.

UFC Women's Featherweight Championship Bout
Cris Cyborg (16-1-0-1) vs. Tonya Evinger (19-5-0-0)

Our first of three back-to-back-to-back championship tilts puts the two manliest broads in the history of life up against one another in what should be the closest thing to a women's penitentiary shower raping most of us will ever witness. On one end you've got Cris Cyborg, who doesn't really need an introduction - all you need to know is that her clit is bigger than your penis, and she'd probably kill you in a parking lot brawl. Tonya Evinger may not have the name value of her adversary tonight, but what she does have is an impressive track record in MMA. Currently riding an 11-fight unbeaten streak, the ex-Invicta Bantamweight Champ can make herself an instant legend with an upset victory tonight. Of course, considering what Cyborg has done in the past, that's an accomplishment MUCH easier said than done...

Evinger comes out to "In The Air Tonight," which - next to "I'm Coming Home" - has to be the most overplayed song in MMA history. "This weight class was literally created for Cyborg," Rogan says. "She almost killed herself to get to 145." Cyborg gets the lights out treatment and a surprisingly loud pop. Her walkout music sounds like something from a bad 1990s telenovela and her entourage looks like they're cosplaying as Ouran High School Host characters. LOL at the announce crew trying to say everybody else in the UFC's Women's Featherweight division is too pussy to fight her.

Evinger is the only 145 pound fighter I've ever seen with pronounced love handles. One left hook drops Evinger, but she's right back up. Cyborg with some rights and she has Evinger crushed against the cage. Give her credit, this Evinger broad knows how to eat a punch or two. Cyborg with a brutal leg kick. Cyborg whiffs on a kick and now Evinger is looking for a takedown. Evinger gets the takedown, but Cyborg is right back up. Evinger takes her down again, but Cyborg immediately gets up and knees her in the face. Cyborg says she got eye poked, so we're taking a brief time out. Fuck, Evinger managed to claw that bitch with three fingers. The action resumes. Cyborg with some knees, Evinger clinches. Cyborg tags her, but Evinger shakes it off. Cyborg has 23 shots to Evinger's 9. Cyborg rocks her with a hard right hand and a knee right at the horn. 10-9 for Cyborg, easy.

Round two. Cyborg with leg kicks early. Cyborg with a hard left jab, and a HARD head kick. Cyborg with several lefts and a knee to the solar plexus. Cyborg with a right hand, a head kick AND a knee to the face. But Evinger ain't dying. ANOTHER mean left from Cyborg. Then she ROCKS her with a right. Cyborg with a knee to the stomach up against the cage. It's official - Evinger is the toughest broad since Eileen Wuornos. 20-18, Cyborg.

Round three. Evinger is swollen all over. Cyborg with a right and a head kick combo BUT EVINGER STAYS UPRIGHT. CYBORG FINALLY DROPS HER. She lets Evinger right back up. Cyborg doesn't connect on the Superwoman Punch. She finally drops Evinger with some HELLACIOUS knees to the face. A few hammer fists on the ground and the ref doesn't even think twice about waving it off.

The official time of the TKO is 1:56. Rogan says it's been a long time coming. Cyborg doesn't really say anything substantial, but boy howdy, is it a hoot listening to the commentators shit all over the rest of the women's featherweight division for not taking the fight.

Hey, the UFC is coming to Mainland China on Nov. 25! Not coming to Mainland China on Nov. 25? Freedom. Now Joe Rogan is talking about Snoop Dogg smoking weed in the announce booth. Talk about your uneasy transitions to the next bout ...

Does Demian Maia have what it takes to
neutralize Tyron Woodley's infamous
"muh systematic oppression" technique?
UFC Welterweight Title Bout
Tyron Woodley (16-3-1-0) vs. Demian Maia (25-6-0-0)

Say what you will about Tyron Woodley (especially if it's kinda' racist), but there's no denying he's an explosive force in the 170-pound division. While his last title defense was an absolute shit show until literally the last minute of the fight, he can certainly do a lot to raise his marketability by taking it to Brazilian Jiu-jitsu maestro Demian Maia early and often this evening. After all, Maia struggled a bit in his title eliminator bout to even get here tonight, and if the world-class BJJ champ has any obvious holes in his game, it would definitely be his striking defense. But that does bring up an interesting little dynamic; if Maia is able to get Woodley to the mat and keep him there, does the reigning champ have the defensive chops to avoid having his arm yanked out of its socket all Antonio Rodrigo like? We shall see, children. We shall see...

Portending very, very bad things, Maia comes out to Linkin Park. Woodley comes out to some rap song I don't know nothing about - not that he can hear it, since he's wearing these huge assed headphones. Or is he listening to his walkout song on his headphones? These are the questions that keep me up at night, folks.

Maia shoots for a takedown. Woodley shakes his way out. Maia has a nasty cut over his left eye. Maia shooting for another takedown. Yep, and it looks for all the world that Maia is trying to suck his dick right now. Maia goes for another takedown, and Woodley holds onto the cage and gets warned. Maia connects with a left. Maia is 0-7 on takedown attempts already. Nope, the eighth takedown attempt don't work, neither. Woodley has down literally nothing but shuck Maia around in the first round. Nothing happening in the last 10 seconds. 10-9, Woodley.

Round two. Woodley with a good combo. No dice on the leg kick, though. Woodley drops Maia, and he welcomes him back to his feet. Another stuffed takedown attempt for Maia. AND ANOTHER ONE. Woodley shucks him off again. Woodley whiffs on a body shot. Woodley has 15 landed strikes, Maia only has 5. Total nonstop action for the final half minute. 20-18, Woodley.

Round three. Watching Maia try to take down Woodley is like watching a retard try to tackle a greased pig. Maia's eye is practically swollen shut. NO TAKEDOWN FOR YOU, MAIA. Woodley with a "partially connected" right hand, per Anik. Woodley with a 1-2-1 combo. "His legs are cartoon big," Rogan comments on Woodley's tree trunks. Now the fans are shitting all over the fight, and we're not even halfway through yet. "You can't make this exciting and please the fans and keep your belt," Rogan says. Woodley sprawls on a takedown attempt. He even pushes his head in the mat, like "smell this, bitch." A minute to go. Maia with a leg kick. Fuck, can you even imagine a Woodley/GSP fight happening after this? Both men drop their hands and just stare at each other for the final five seconds. 30-27, Woodley.

Round four. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I'd rather watch Jake Shields fight Ben Askren in a no striking allowed bout than this shitshow.  Maia is now 0-14 on takedown attempts. Maia going for a single leg - and he can't get it. And Woodley slips his way out of another takedown. Maia with a leg kick. A minute left. Woodley lands a hard right. And then ... fucking nothing. 40-36, Woodley, but let's face it, there are no winners in this scenario.

Round five. Maia, of course, goes for a takedown, but he can't get it. That makes it 0-17, for those of you playing at home. A loud "boring" chant breaks out. The updated tally? 0-20. Maia misses by a mile on a head kick. Anik says this fight is about to break the record for least strikes in a Welterweight championship bout. Meanwhile, Rogan is freaked out because the crowd is waving their cellphones in unison. Deafening "BORING!" chants break out with a minute to go. The final score: 0-23 on takedown attempts. God, fucking damn-it

It's 50-45 and two 49-46's for Woodley. The crowd boos as soon as his name is announced. Uh-oh, Dana is in the cage. Woodley says he's the best in the world and the crowd boos even more. He says he wants to fight GSP at MSG and it doesn't even get a reaction. After that, the camera catches Demetrious Johnson, Chuck Liddell and Gordon Ramsey and they ALL get louder ovations than Woodley. LOL, fuck him so hard.

Time to hard sell the main event. Considering how badly that last title bout deflated the crowd, these two guys are going to have to put on a fucking classic to get the stank out of the room.

Well, considering this is what Tyron Woodley is fighting for, is it really any wonder his title defenses are so goddamned boring?

UFC Light Heavyweight Championship Bout
Daniel Cormier (19-1-0-0) vs. Jon Jones (22-1-0-0)

To paraphrase whoever the lead singer of the All-American Rejects is, this ends tonight. I've spent the better part of two years regurgitating reasons why this is the most important MMA fight in UFC history and at this point, I reckon there really isn't much of a reason to repeat myself anymore. All you need to know is that this two men right here are far and away the two best fighters on the planet - and that includes boxing, wrestling, karate, K1 or whatever other stupid useless bullshit martial arts you want to trudge up - and we're lucky enough to get to watch them go toe-to-toe for the most prestigious championship in combat sports. One of these guys is going to walk out of here knowing for a fact he's the best MMA athlete on the planet, and the other is going to walk out, completely unsure what his legacy is going to be ... or wondering if it even matters anymore. You know how they sometimes say a fight is about more than a belt? Well, this is about so much more than the 205-pound strap. This is about two men doing their god-damnedest to achieve immortality through the most technical form of hand-to-hand violence ever created, and if you can't get excited about that, then you might as well do yourself a favor and commit suicide right now.

Jon Jones comes out to "The Champ is Here" and is rocking a freshly polished chrome dome. Holy fuck, does that make him look so much like prime Mike Tyson, it's scary. LOL at Cruz trying to compare the wild excesses of Mike Tyson to those of Chuck Liddell. Cormier gets the lights out treatment. He beats his chest, screams at his knees and slowly jogs to the Octagon. 

Not that you don't already know this, but Jones literally has a one foot reach advantage. Jones clearly the crowd favorite tonight. LOL at Cormier trying to make his best mean face. Cormier literally slaps the mouthguard out of Jones' mouth. Jones with a takedown, but Cormier right back up. Cormier with a leg kick. Jones with a front kick to the knee. The size discrepancy here is ridiculous. Jones whiffs on a big elbow. Jones with a big overhand. Jones is outlanding D.C., 30 to 11. Jones with a solid jab. D.C. catches Jones with a big shot. And another one. He lands a kick to the stomach to conclude the round. 10-9 Jones.

Round two. Jones with a left hook and a knee to the body. D.C. says he got hit with a head butt, so we take a time out. D.C. bleeding heavily under his eye. D.C. with another hook. D.C. with a leg kick and a 1-2 combo. Jones keeps kicking D.C.'s thigh. Jones with a hard body shot. Cormier with a shot that almost clips Jones in the back of the head. D.C. with a big uppercut on a stuffed takedown attempt. Jones working from the clinch. D.C. with a leg trip, but Jones is right back up. Jones works from the clinch again. Jones with a body shot. D.C. controlling the tempo now. Cormier with a big right seconds before the bell sounds. I've got it 19-19.

Round three. More thigh kicks from Jones. Jones whiffs on a haymaker. Jones with a body kick. Jones with a knee, D.C. fires back with some uppercuts. D.C. with a good combo. Cormier leading on head strikes, 28-19. Jones rocks D.C. with a head kick, Cormier stumbles, Jones gets the trip and Jones starts RAINING VIOLENT ELBOWS. Cormier tries to keep his shit together, but Jones is just too fast and too furious - the ref has no choice but to wave it off. Your winner and NEW UFC LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, JON JONES!

The official time of the TKO is 3:01. Cormier still looks punch drunk; he shakes off Big John's hand and walks away and the crowd boos him like a motherfucker. "I know it hasn't been easy to root for me," Jones says, "you motivated and pushed me to keep fighting and prove all y'all wrong." He thanks D.C. for being his best rival and motivator and puts him over as a great father and mentor. "He's a true champion for the rest of his life." To which Rogan replies: "I just hope your life is nothing but good from here on out." Well, way to jinx a motherfucker, Joe. 

Goddamn, Cormier is STILL half retarded from all those elbow shots. "I guess if he wins both fights, there is no rivalry," he says through a teary intonation. Jones then grabs the mic and calls out BROCK LESNAR. "If you want to know what it feels like to get your ass kicked by somebody who weighs 40 pounds less than you, meet me in the Octagon."  THREE MILLION BUYS CONFIRMED ALREADY.

Note to the children of Daniel Cormier: if you're wondering why your daddy can't remember your names anymore, here's why.

Alright, folks, we'll have more coverage come tomorrow morning - lord knows, there is PLENTY of stuff to talk about, ain't there?

SO, WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? Since Jon Jones vs. Brock Lesnar would make a bajillion-gazillion dollars, of course they're going to do that next. That heavyweight/catchweight freakshow bout additionally leaves ample time for the No. 1 contender picture to clear up, so how about booking Volkan Oezdemir against Alexander Gustafsson in an all Aryan title eliminator in the meantime? While we're at it, a Daniel Cormier vs. Jimi Manuwa bout makes all kinds of sense in the wake of tonight's fallout, with the winner of that contest taking on the winner of the upcoming Shogun Rua vs. OSP bout for the presumptive right to be next, NEXT in line for a crack at the 205-pound title. Considering the dearth of talent in the Welterweight division, the most sensible thing to do at the moment is book Tyron Woodley against Robbie Lawler in a rematch - try as I may, I just can't envision Jorge Masvidal or Neil Magny getting a title shot anytime soon, let alone the UFC actually trying to market it as a PPV-caliber main event. Cris Cyborg would probably wreck every other woman in the UFC at this point, but she's gotta' defend her title eventually; although we all want to see her go camel toe to moose knuckle with Ronda Rousey, that shit probably ain't ever going to happen, so odds are she'll be taking on somebody like Holly Holm next. And hell, why not do a Demian Maia vs. Donald Cerrone match-up next? Certainly, it can't be any worse than the evening's shit show of a Welterweight championship bout, that's for damn sure. 

THE VERDICT: If it wasn't for that absolute turd of a Welterweight title fight, we'd be talking about this card being a runaway show of the year candidate. You had a main event that delivered high drama and one of the most memorable postfight moments in recent UFC history, a downright terrific ode to Rock Em Sock Em Robots from Donald Cerrone and Robbie Lawler, a woman that could be your hometown's Walmart manager somehow making it three rounds up against the baddest woman(?) on the planet, Volkan O. making himself famous against Jimi Manuwa and an undercard that didn't have a single subpar bout whatsoever (with the Moicano/Ortega and Lamas/Knight bouts being especially awesome.) Still, this is one of those rare UFC PPVS where, at the end of the night, you almost feel like you got your money's worth - an increasingly infrequent occurrence, to be sure.

SHOW HIGHLIGHT: Lawler/Cerrone had the best bell to bell action, but Jones/Cormier just felt all kinds of epic, complete with one of the most emotional post-fight scenes we've ever seen in the Octagon. 

SHOW LOWLIGHT: That Woodley/Maia fight was so bad, Black Lives Matter officially changed their name to Black Lives Matter, Except For Tyron Woodley's. 

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: A tie between Jon Anik backhandedly saying "all of these FXX fights could headline a FS1 show" and Joe Rogan philosophically musing "there are a lot of bigger brothers who have made some monsters."


  • Sometimes, the best strategy is to intentionally let a dude beat the shit out of you, then submit him all easy-like with about three minutes to go in the final round.
  • Swiss Cheese may be porous, but apparently, it can knock you silly from the clinch.
  • If a guy has ever had his guts yanked out of his body in a motorcycle accident, it's probably a good idea to punch him in the spleen over and over again. 
  • If it first you can't land a successful takedown, it's probably not worth it to try another 22 times.
  • Just because you have parts of your brain leaking out of your nose and your face resembles the Toxic Avenger doesn't mean you can't cut a surprisingly eloquent post-fight interview. 

Well, that's all I've got for you this week. Crank up "Teen Pregnancy" by Blank Banshee and "Never Come Down" by Brave Shores and I'll be seeing you cageside in just a few.

1 comment:

  1. Im new to ufc so the dc jones face off seemed off like why do these guys h8 each other kinda like Dawn of justice.


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