Friday, August 25, 2017

The Rocktagon Recap of Mayweather vs. McGregor!

Can't catch tonight's mega-super-duper fight for some stupid ass-reason, or just on the prowl for some snarky, decidedly un-P.C. Internet comedy in-between rounds and piss breaks? Well, our LIVE ROUND-BY-ROUND coverage will keep you informed, entertained and outraged all night long ...


By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

***NOTE TO THOSE OF YOU COMING HERE TRYING TO GET A LIVE VIDEO FEED OF THE MCGREGOR/MAYWEATHER FIGHT***

We are NOT hosting a live video stream of the PPV or the undercard. And the last thing ANY of you should do is go to Google and type in something like "boxingstreams" and click on the first result you get. ESPECIALLY if it links to a subreddit of any kind. - THNX, MGMT

Well, this is it, kids. The fight we thought would never happen in a million, billion years is happening tonight. Not only is it the biggest boxing match ever, it might just be the biggest crossover pop culture moment of the year - if not the entire decade. 

There is nothing you can compare Mayweather vs. McGregor to. Not Ali/Inoki, not Balboa/Thunder Lips,  - no, not even the once-in-a-lifetime spectacle that was Toney/Couture. This will almost certainly be a far bigger PPV revenue generator than Mayweather/Pacquiao, and that was touted as the biggest sports spectacle of the century. Like Hands Across America, the last episode of MASH or that time Geraldo found Jack Shit in Al Capone's vault, this thing has the potential to become a transcendent moment in our shared American narrative and if you miss out on it, you'll probably be a social pariah for the rest of your life and develop a deep-seated, incurable neurosis stemming from that most dreaded of maladies, Culturitis FoMo.

What's that, you say? You're unable to watch this, the biggest pop cultural event of the year 2017, because you're a home stuck putz too poor to purchase the PPV and your computer's too shitty to stream it live online from some server in Slovakia somewhere? Well, no worries, dear reader, we here at The Internet Is In America have got you covered. Beginning at 7 p.m. eastern time, we'll be delivering you LIVE, ROUND-BY-ROUND COVERAGE of Mayweather vs. McGregor, starting off with the Fox undercard bouts don't nobody give a shit about all the way up to the paid PPV portion of the card ... culminating, of course, with the heaviest hyped sports event in recent history - hell, maybe all of history, now that I think about it a bit. 

That's right, our LIVE STREAMING (written) coverage will keep you in the loop all night long, from the first bell of the first free TV prelim bout to the moment the Showtime PPV feed goes kaput. World renowned for our top-notch, lighting fast MMA PPV coverage, the official IIIA account of Mayweather vs. McGregor will undoubtedly be the best, most comprehensive and most up-to-date coverage of the event you'll find ANYWHERE, and that's not just me flapping my gums. 

So what are you waiting for? Bookmark this page RIGHT NOW and start hitting the refresh button early and often, since we'll be giving you LIVE UPDATES between each and every round. Hell, even if you are able to watch the event live, having our witty, clever and decidedly un-P.C. stream of conscious ranting and raving only serves to make the show that much better, so really, don't none of you motherfuckers have an excuse now. And hey, how about doing us a kindness, kids - if you like what you see her, share the link on the Facebook and the Twitter and the Grindr and the whatever else the hell you people are on nowadays and spread the gospel of The Internet Is In America. Hey, our award-winning, industry-changing combat sports coverage don't pay itself, y'know ...

Fox Prelim Bouts



Alright, we're getting started early. I hope you people are nice and situated, because we've got another five, possibly six hours remaining until this thing is over and done with. For those of you wondering, it's officially been 714 days since Floyd Mayweather's last bout - whether or not ring rust will be a decisive factor in the outcome of tonight's main event remains to be determined.

Our announcers tonight are Brian Custer, MAURO RANALLO, Al Bernstein (I could've sworn it was Bernstain, though) and Paulie Malignaggi, who may or may not have got his ass kicked sparring against Conor McGregor a few weeks back. And just our luck, now we've got GEORGES ST-PIERRE coming out of the woodwork to share his thoughts on tonight's fight.

Time for a video in which Conor McGregor says he's going to kick Floyd Mayweather's ass for talking shit about MMA - and totally NOT a $30 million payday no matter what. Nope, not even.

GSP joins Kate Abdo, Sugar Ray Leonard and Dominick Cruz on the pre-show. He says he's not even faking his admiration for Leonard, and considers him a hero on par with Royce Gracie. St-Pierre says the smart money is on Floyd, but if Conor tries to "create chaos," maybe he'll land something lucky with his left hand. Holy shit, give Cruz all the money in the world for honestly trying to explain that Conor's lack of boxing experience is actually his greatest asset heading into the bout. Abdo asks GSP if there's a chance McGregor could upset Mayweather the same way Matt Serra upset him 10 years ago. He laughs it off and tries to pretend it doesn't piss him off and then he does a quick plug for UFC 217 - you know, the big MSG UFC show on Nov. 4 where he's going to fight Michael Bisping for the Middleweight strap.

Mayweather says this fight isn't going to make it past the fourth round and he'd consider it a moral loss if the fight even makes it to the 12th round. Of course, Cruz says McGregor is going to win, because Dana White probably said he'd fire him if he didn't.

Quick heads up - I'll be doing mini-updates on Gab during the night's festivities, too. You can check 'em out here. And if you aren't on the site already, what are you waiting for, asshole?

We are coming to you LIVE from T-Mobile Arena in Las Vegas, Nev. Daniel Jacobs joins Cuz and Abdo for more pre-show pimpin'. Now we're throwing it to Brian Kenny and Sugar Ray Leonard ringside. "It's a spectacle, but it's a highly-anticipated match-up," Leonard says. "It's a mixture of arrogance and athleticism," Kenny describes the bout before reminding the TV viewing audience that McGregor used to be on welfare and now has a yacht named after the sum that used to be his weekly subsidy allotment.

Super Middleweight Bout
Kevin Newman II (7-0-1-0) vs. Mark Anthony Hernandez (9-1-0-0)

25-year-old Newman is on a seven fight winning streak, last seen TKOing Pablo Velez last April. His 24-year-old opponent, conversely, is fresh off his first pro fight loss to Kyrone Davis in March. 

Well, they didn't show this on live television, but in case you are wondering? Hernandez won by unanimous decision (one 57-56 and two 59-54s.) So I take it those were the two jackoffs boxing in an empty arena earlier?

Super Middleweight Bout
Savannah Marshall (0-0-0-0) vs. Sydney LeBlanc (4-3-1-0)

Marshall is making her pro debut tonight. The 26-year-old Brit took the gold medal in women's middleweight boxing at the 2014 Commonwealth Games and also participated in the 2012 Olympics. Her 33-year-old opponent is on a three fight losing streak - including a unanimous decision loss to Franchon Crews Dezurn just two weeks ago.

Well, this one didn't get televised neither, but the Internet tells me Marshall won it by unanimous decision (40-36 across the board.) Hooray for women's equality! LOL, JK, nobody cares about these hos.

Super Lightweight Bout
Juan Heraldez (12-0-0-0) vs. Jose Miguel Borrego (13-0-0-0)

The unbeaten 27-year-old Heraldez was last in action in April, when he scored a unanimous decision win over Alfonso Overa. His 19-year-old Mexican adversary is also undefeated as a pro fighter, with no less than three stoppages racked up this year alone.

The bout is scheduled for ten rounds. Borrego is fighting out of the red corner and wearing white (err, silvery?) trunks. Heraldez is fighting out of the blue corner and wearing black trunks.

Borrego with good head movement early. Heraldez with a solid body shot. Herladez with a one-two hook. Heraldez really working it with the straight jab. LOL at the announcer reminding the viewing audience that ALL of the fights tonight will be boxing, not MMA. Borrego gets some good shots in the corner. The ref momentarily breaks 'em up. Another ref separation. Borrega with a good pop to the jaw as the first round concludes.

Round two. Heraldez with about three or four body shots in a row. Borrego with a one-two combo. Good exchange up against the ropes. Heraldez has a shitty back tattoo that kinda looks like the Seattle Mariners logo. Borrego dodges a big shot. Heraldez with a body shot, followed up by a very good combination. Borrego with a nice jab to the sternum. Borrego lands one more crisp one before the bell sounds.

Round three. Looks like Borrego's forehead has swollen a bit. Borrego lands a good head shot. Herladez with a great left hook. Heraldez with another picture perfect one-two combo. Borrego just lands his best shot of the fight so far. Heraldez immediately responds with a five-hit flurry to the torso. "The workrate is just stellar," Kenny comments. Herladez with another hard shot to the stomach. Borrego starting to bleed a little after an uppercut. A Heraldez shot near the end of the round wobbles him a bit.

Round four. Listening to the announcers totally ignore everything the guys in the ring are doing to talk about the main event reminds me so much of WCW circa 1997 it's hilarious/tragic. Heraldez slowing down a little. Borrego fires a good chin chipper. Heraldez with another solid left. Borrego connects on a huge counter punch. Borrego lands a good hook. Borrego whiffs on a huge overhand shot. Heraldez dancing around now. Borrego with some good hooks in the clinch. Borrego puts Heraldez in a headlock and the ref briefly stops the action. Heraldez with some solid body shots. Both men swinging for the fences, but nobody can land anything significant. Probably the best round for Borrego so far, and perhaps the only one the judges can score in his favor.

Round five. Heraldez spinning his fists like a rock tumbler as the bell sounds. Heraldez with a one-two combo and Borrego makes him eat a hand sandwich for his efforts. "These are a long ten rounds for a 19-year-old," Kenny comments. Heraldez picking his shots now. Borrego clinches and the ref breaks them up. Looks like some of Borrego's blood has splattered on Heraldez's shoulder. Tie-up in the ropes as the bell sounds.

Round six. Just so you know, this is officially the highest grossing gate in the history of Las Vegas - and the arena is totally empty right now.  Heraldez with another one two combo. Borrego with a decent body shot, but his eyes are looky puffy as fuck right now. Heraldez with two hard jabs to the chin. Borrego throwing some desperation punches. Herladez with another one-two body shot combo. Heraldez slips and the ref immediately yells "it's no knockdown!" Blood is leaking from Borrego's nose. Heraldez with excellent lateral movement. Borrego gets some good shots in during a brief tie up and Borrego absolutely ROCKS Heraldez right at the bell.

Round seven. Borrego comes out swinging and Heraldez ties him up. Borrego leading with his left and gets a nice hard crack at Heraldez's skull. Heraldez hugs him again. Heraldez dodges a big punch. Borrego with a good one-two combo. Heraldez lands a decent-ish body shot. Heraldez with a good one-two combo, but Borrego blocks most of it. Heraldez gets the best of a brief fisticuffs fair at the end of the round.

Round eight. Borrego puts Heraldez in a headlock. Heraldez with a good combo and Borrego retaliates with an even better one. Heraldez rattles off three straight jabs to Borrego's skull. Heraldez with another good combination - he's definitely landing more than his opponent tonight. Borrego goes on a rampage, landing about five unanswered (and hard as fuck) shots on Heraldez. Heraldez with another great combo, landing about five head shots. There's a tie-up at the tail end of the round, but nobody lands anything substantial in the waning moments.

Round nine. You have to figure Borrego is way down on the scorecards, so he needs to finish his adversary. Borrego with a good overhand blow. Heraldez working the body some more. BORREGO DROPS HERALDEZ! A huge hook put his foe flat on his ass. Borrego is on the warpath and Heraldez hangs on to him for dear life. Heraldez shoots for a takedown (for real) and the ref stops the action. Borrego head hunting like a motherfucker now. Borrego with one more big shot as the bell sounds.

Round ten. Goddamn, that left hook was BEAUTIFUL. Borrego still looking for another cranium cracker. And he pops Heraldez hard on the chin. Borrego throwing some wild, looping punches now. Heraldez rattles off a good combination. Heraldez hugs Borrego up with about a minute to go. Heraldez landing a ton of body shots. About ten seconds left. Borrego with a hard jab at the bell and that's all she wrote, folks.

One 96-93 and two 97-92s give Heraldez the unanimous decision victory.

Holy shit, college football starts next week. Time flies, man, time flies.  And FYI: Aaron Rodgers is excited about the fight because he's a big fan of clashing personalities.

Time for a shitty Draft Kings animation to tell you how to legally gamble away your kids' college fund. According to a fan poll, nearly two-thirds of humanity believes McGregor will win tonight's fight. And since there's been WAY too little race-baiting so far tonight, here's Tyron Woodley arriving on set for commentary duties!

You know, nobody ever gets nicknamed "Jack the Ripper" for practicing non-violence resistance.

Welterweight Bout
Thomas Dulorme (24-2-0-0) vs. Yordenis Ugas (19-3-0-0)

Dulorme, a 27-year-old Puerto Rican, beat Brian Jones via TKO back in
January. The victory is his second since being stopped by Terence Crawford in April 2015. His 31-year-old Cuban opponent is riding a four-fight winning streak, with his latest victory coming in the form of a TKO win over Nelson Lara last April.

Ugas is in the white trunks, Dulorme is in red. It's another ten-rounder. Ugas is a replacement for Shawn Porter, who unfortunatley came down with a severe case of bitch flu just a few days before the event. 

Ugas with some heavy shots early. He has the number 54 on his trunks to celebrate some dude who plays for the Yankees. Ugas lands another straight jab. "That had a sound effect when he threw over the top, like a video game," Kenny says. Dulorme whiffs on a big shot. Ugas with a quick body shot. Dulorme ducks out of harm's way during Ugas' late round surge.

Round two. LOL at Ugas only being 31 but already having a white-ass Santa beard. Dulorme whiffs on an uppercut. Ugas connects on a counter jab. Fuck, Kenny's already talking about McGregor fighting Keith Thurman now. Ugas with a good jab. Duorme rattles off some decent head shots. Dulorme with some body shots. Ugas easily dodges a couple of Dulorm bombs. Looks like Dulorme went low for a couple of body shots. Ugas with a good uppercut and Dulorme drops to one knee. Yep, that counts as a knockdown. And Ugas staggers him AGAIN with just seconds to go in the round.

Round three. With two knock downs in the last round, you've got to be thinking Ugas is looking for the kill here. Ugas just punching the shit out of Dulorme. Dulorme whiffs on an uppercut. Then Ugas whiffs on a huge haymaker. Ugas lands a HARD jab to the face. Ugas whiffs on another haymaker. Ugas tags him again. Ugas rattles off another great combo. Dulorme swings for the fences and misses by a couple of ZIP codes. Ugas with some light taps as the round concludes.

Round four. Both guys throwing some heavy shots. Dulorme landing some good body shots. Ugas punching wind now. Dulorme with a nice punch to the kidneys. Ugas with a tremendous body shot. Ugas has Dulorme against the ropes. Dulorme with some good jabs and Ugas shoves him. Not a whole lot happening in the final ten seconds.

Round five. Ugas is slowly but surely stealing this fight. Dulorme landing some flush shots, but (probably) not enough to woo the judges. Ugas with some solid (but not that impressive) straight jabs. Dulorme with a few good body shots. Ugas fires back with a combo and some good blows to the body. Ugas clips Dulorme with some very hard shots and Dulorme appears to have punched Ugas in the testicles. Dulorme with some good body shots and what MAY have been an illegal shot to the back of the head at the end of the round.

Round six. Ugas with a great jab and a solid hook to follow up. Dulorme with a great flush shot on the chin. Dulorme lands his best shot of the fight right on Ugas' jaw. Dulorme working the kidney punches again. Ugas with a good hook. Dulorme with some solid jabs but they can't penetrate his foe's guard. Ugas tells the ref he get popped in the sack again but there is no stoppage. Ugas may have landed a hit after the bell.

Round seven. Dulorme with some good jabs early. Goddamn, that dude is trying to use Ugas' cojones as a speed bag. One more low blow and the ref FINALLY takes a point away from him. Both men exchanging hard body shots. Ugas does look a little gassed right now. Dulorme with a wild hook. Ugas with an uppercut. Dulorme with some decent body shots. Ugas whiffs on a huge shot. Looks like Dulorme hurts Ugas with a jab, but apparently Ugas has shaken it off. AND DULORME DROPS UGAS RIGHT AT THE BELL!

Round eight. Dulorme with a hard hook. Dulorme still working the side shots. Ugas with a few quick hits to the head. Ugas is looking glassy eyed. Ugas connects with a combo. Dulorme rattling off some hard jabs to the skull. Dulorme with a good body shot. Both men exchanging HARD body shots. Ugas with a one two combo. Ugas with some decent head shots before the bell.

Round nine. Dulorme with a big hook to conclude a brief exchange. Dulorme whiffs on a huge haymaker. Ugas with a good right jab. Dulorme targeting Ugas' waist again. Ugas misses a wild swing by a country mile. Ugas gets a good shot on Dulorme's chin. Dulorme with some hard uppercuts in the waning seconds of the round.

Round ten. I honestly have no idea who is winning this one on the score cards. Dulorme with a low blow and he loses another point. Dulorme with a BIG right hand. Ugas with a nice hook. The ref calls a timeout. Looks like Ugas' gloves need to be re-taped. The bout continues. Dulorme with some hard shots, including an illegal one to the back of his foe's head. Both dudes swinging for the proverbial fences. About twenty seconds left. Dulorme lands a flush jab to the jaw. Ugas ties him up and both men throw wild punches as the bell chimes.

It's 94-91 and two 93-92s to give Ugas the unanimous decision win.

All right kids, time for the OFFICIAL PPV card to begin. And if you're watching it on Periscope while a buncha' Muslim dudes sound worried about committing a federal offense, welcome to post-post-POST-modernity.

PPV Main Card Bouts


NABF Cruiserweight Title Bout
Andrew Tabiti (14-0-0-0) vs. Steve Cunningham (29-8-1-0)

This will be 27-year-old Tabiti's second title defense after besting Keith Tapa for the belt last year. He's fresh off a successful February championship defense against Quantis Graves. Meanwhile, his veteran 41-year-old foe has just one victory in his last four fights - a unanimous decision nod against Felipe Romero last March.

Tabiti's wearing a FlavRx baseball cap while Cunningham is wearing a a sleeveless black and white vest that appears to be made out of plastic. Cunningham is in the black and white trunks while Tabiti's britches are just plain black. 

OK this is easier - Tabiti's the one that's bald, and Cunningham is the one with hair. Tabiti with some good jabs in succession. Tabiti with a sweeping right hook. Goddamn, Cunningham is practically wearing parachute pants tonight. Cunningham with a heavy left and right. Shit, Ranallo sounds REALLY happy to be here tonight and not being abused by JBL. Anyway, not a whole lot happening in the first frame.

Round two. Cunningham only threw 13 punches in the first round. Tabiti throwing some nasty jabs. Cunningham lunging with his punches, and he lands a hard counterpunch. Tabiti with a GREAT combination. "Tabiti with more combinations than a safe," quips Ranallo. Tabiti with a couple more good shots before the bell sounds.

Round three. Yep, Ranallo is STILL comparing Tabiti to Evander Holyfield. Cunningham swarms Tabiti against the ropes, but he ain't landing shit. Tabiti with some good counter punches but Cunningham lands a flush jab. Cunningham clinches in the waning seconds.

Round four. Hey, Don Cheadle is in the house, and so is "actor and producer" Bruce Willis. And yep, there's the Sasquatch from the Jack Links jerky commercials, too. Cunningham with a hard shot. Hey, did you know the first fight Ranallo ever called featured Cunningham? Well, now you know. "Is Kevin Bacon here?" he quips. Tabiti with some solid shots against the ropes as the round concludes.

Round five. Cunningham throwing lunging punches like he was Balrog in Street Fighter II or something. Cunningham is getting some good shots in. And now he's clinching like a motherfucker. He rattles off a few jabs as the round ends, but they aren't doing shit.

Round six. Now Tabiti is just drumming on this motherfucker. He's landing combos like he's in fucking Killer Instinct now. There's a clinch at the very end of the round and Cunningham gets some fairly ineffective punches in late.

Round seven. Cunningham keeps trying to smother Tabiti but it isn't doing diddly. Steve Farhood has it 59-55 for Tabiti through the first six rounds. Cunningham with some pillow soft punches up against the ropes. Tabiti landing jab after jab after jab, and Cunningham is just absorbing it like a big brown marshmallow. Cunningham lands some shots to the bread basket as the round ends.

Round eight. Tabiti gets clipped by a counter left hook. Cunningham with some body shots in the clinch. Cunningham has Tabiti in the corner but his body shots aren't doing anything. Tabiti lands a fat hook right as the bell sounds.

Round nine. Tabiti coming strong with the jabs early. I've gotta' say, the Spanish-language commentary automatically makes this fight 15 times more exciting. Cunningham lands a big hook with about thirty seconds left in the round. Cunningham gives Tabiti a hug at the bell.

Round ten. Yeah, Tabiti has this shit in the bag. Cunningham stretches his arms out to taunt Tabiti. You know, the guy that's outpointed him in at least eight of the last nine rounds. Ten seconds to go. Tabiti rattles of some solid head shots and if he doesn't win, I'll eat my own shit.

Two 97-93s and one 100-90 gives Tabiti the unanimous decision victory.

Tabiti 3:16 says don't ever fuck with a black man who reps a vape company.

Well, if you thought we'd be seeing Pat motherfucking Miletich given five full minutes of screen time tonight, feel free to brag to ALL your Facebook friends.

WBA World Light Heavyweight Title Bout
Nathan Cleverly (30-3-0-0) vs. Badou Jack (21-2-2-0)

30-year-old Brit Cleverly is 3-2 in his last five outings, with his latest in-ring appearance a victory over Juergen Braehmer last October. Jack, a 33-year-old Swede, lost a majority decision to James DeGale in January, costing him both the IBF World Super Middleweight and WBC World Super Middleweight titles. This time around, the vacant WBA World Light Heavyweight title is up for grabs, and all I can say is ... fuck, are there way too many belts to keep track of in boxing.

I am aghast at how empty the arena is this late into the card. Jack is the black dude in the black trunks and Cleverly is the white guy in gold trunks, so you can't say they didn't try to make it easy for us to tell who was who.

Cleverly out the gate fast. Jack connects with a left. "He likes to attack the body like it's filled with candy," Ranallo says. Cleverly with a ton of head shots and Jack responds with a flurry of body shots. Cleverly with a good jab. Huh - did you know boxing was banned in Sweden until 2007? Well, we all know that now. Jack with some great body shots and a mean uppercut to end the round.

Round two. Jack unloads a BARRAGE of body shots. Cleverly connecting with head shots. Jack barely connects with an uppercut. Jack pivots and lands a hard body shot. Cleverly with a clean right cross. Jack with a great one-two. Jack with a great overhand shot and a half dozen stomach punches as the bell sounds.

Round three. Jack winning the early exchanges. Jack leads with his left and continues to land body shot after body shot. Jack rattles off some great head shots. Cleverly starting to records some skull shots of his own. Cleverly with a ton of body punches in the waning moments of the round.

Round four. I love the fact that even this far into the paid PPV portion of the card the announcers have to keep telling the audience the main event ISN'T an MMA match. Anyway, Jack is starting to run away with this fight. Cleverly is slowing down considerably and Jack's recording three shots for every one his opponent lands. Jack is just teeing off on on him now. He lands a series of stiff head shots while Cleverly is left bleeding on the ropes.

Round five. Cleverly's got a nose bleed. Jack landed 99 shots in the last round. Jack tearing that ass up with head shots and body blows. Cleverly tries to turtle up in the corner while Jack just tattoos him. Cleverly lands a decent defensive jab. Cleverly is stuck in the ropes and Jack is just Matthew Shepherding his ass right now. AND THE REF STOPS IT!

In the post fight interview Jack says it's a dream come true to win the Light Heavyweight championship. He calls out Adonis Stevenson and says he's willing to fight him in Canada, too.

We've got some time to kill, so here's a video of Floyd Mayweather hanging out with his grandmama. Now McGregor's giving an interview where he says he doesn't have any butterflies and he might knock Floyd out in the first round if he feels like it.

Lebron James is in the house, and so are Ozzy Osbourne, Olivia Munn, Jamie Foxx and ... Tito Ortiz. Now how the fuck could his broke ass afford tickets to this? Eh, it's cool Thomas Hearns made it to the show, I guess.

IBF World Super Featherweight Title Bout
Gervonta Davis (18-0-0-0) vs. Francisco Fonseca (19-0-1-0)

22-year-old Davis, as the kids say, is one bad motherfucker. Currently riding a 18 fight win streak, he's only gone the distance once and has 16 knockouts or technical knockouts on his resume. His 23-year-old Costa Rican challenger ain't no slouch though, as he's riding a 19 fight win streak, with his last three bouts all ending via KO. So yeah - this ought to be a good one, folks.

Well, since Davis missed weight he's been stripped of the title. But, uh, somehow, if Fonseca wins, he gets Davis' title? OK, I'm confused as fuck on this one. Anyhoo, Fonseca is from Costa Rica (you can tell because he's LITERALLY wearing the Costa Rican flag as a costume) and he comes out to that "put your hands up" song. You know the one I'm talking about - the one by that one rapper. The black one. Meanwhile, "Miss Weight" Davis is apparently dressed like his favorite Yo Gabba Gabba character. Man - fuck that dude's fashion sensibilities.

These assholes are wearing nearly identical pants, so fuck this already. If it wasn't for Davis' pseudo-afro, it would be literally impossible to tell the fighters apart. LOL at Ranallo calling it the "mid-basket" when he meant to say "bread basket." Both guys taking lunging shots at one another's bodies. Davis whiffs on a big uppercut. He rattles off a good one-two combo as the round comes to an end.

Round two. Interestingly, Ivan Calderon is in Fonseca's corner. Fonseca working the body and Davis is rattling off some mean head shots. Time for a clinch. Davis throwing some crazy looking uppercuts and Fonseca ties him up to prevent further damage.

Round three. Hey, let's watch a bunch of fat people wearing the Irish tri-colors who probably aren't even Irish jump around listening to Dropkick Murphy's for a bit. OK, back to the in-ring action. Fonseca with a good body blow. Davis returns the favor. Now he's fucking him up with uppercuts and HARD jabs. Fonseca with a good counter right. Fonseca with some solid shots in the corner as the round expires.

Round four. Ranallo will NOT shut up about Fonseca having the ability to become Costa Rica's first male boxing champion tonight. Davis puts his hands behind his back to taunt his foe. Fonseca clinches. Fonseca retaliates with some hard shots and the crowd comes alive for the first time literally all night. Another clinch. Now Davis has his hands down and he's jumping around like a monkey. Fonseca lands some good shots with his adversary on the ropes. He lands a good body blow at the bell.

Round five. Huh, looks like the main event will be delayed because too many PPV feeds keep blowing up. How about that. Anyway - not a whole lot happening in this round at all

Round six. Dr. J and Ray Lewis are in the arena. We're halfway through the championship tilt. Both men have slowed down considerably. Davis stopped acting retarded and now both fighters are hesitant to throw much of anything. Davis gets a good body shot and whiffs on a haymaker. Fonseca baits him into the corner and lands a hard body shot.

Round seven. Davis almost slips as Fonseca unloads on him against the ropes. CLINCH! Fonseca gets some body shots in the corner. An aside, but Derek Carr looks in fucking tip-top shape, if his preseason performance against the Cowboys earlier today was any indication.

Round eight. Fonseca gets popped in the corner and he can't answer the ref's ten count. OK, we need to see a replay, that could've been an illegal rabbit punch. Holy goddamn shit, that was a flagrant punch to the back of the skull - I'm talking an off-the-top rope, double axehandle smash a'la Demolition in the WWF. But Fonseca apparently TRIED to get Davis DQ'ed by not getting back up, but LOL, the referee never called the punch illegal and he loses anyway.

In the post-fight Davis says the camera didn't catch him hitting Fonseca with a body shot before he cracked him over the head with a Mongolian chop, so he don't understand why everybody's so mad at him. "I'm young, I'm growing" is his apology for why he missed weight for the night's title bout. You KNOW they are stalling for time when the interviewer is asking him if his cold in any way hampered his performance ...

An interpreter translates for Fonseca. He complains about the illegal shot at the end in the native tongue of Costa Rica, which I'm pretty sure is "bitch." 

Alright, the main event is coming up ... eventually.

You know what I spent $100 on tonight? The honor and the pleasure of hearing Paulie Malignaggi say "you know, being 40 really isn't *that* old" in various permutations over and over for ten minutes.

Alright, time for some PSAs telling you to not be racist and a hard sell for this new Showtime program starring Jamie Foxx. And a commercial for UFC 217: Bisping vs. St-Pierre, naturally.

Some brunette chick sings the national anthem of Ireland (it's "Who Let the Dogs Out," by the way) and Demi Lovato or somebody that looks like her is doing the national anthem of the United States.

Boy, I haven't seen the Irish get mauled like this since the reign of Oliver Cromwell!

Super Welterweight Bout
Floyd Mayweather, Jr. (49-0-0-0) vs. Conor McGregor (0-0-0-0)

Well, fuck, do I even have to hype this one up for you? It's only the biggest boxing match ever and a crossover combat spectacle without comparison in the history of anything - and oh yeah, considering today's political climate in the States, it very well could spark a full-fledged race war, depending on the outcome. Now, using our logical minds, this thing is a foregone conclusion. Mayweather is arguably the greatest defensive fighter of our generation, and McGregor has never had a pro boxing bout in his life. Reason dictates Floyd ought to win this one in a hurry, but as evident by the fact Donald Trump is POTUS, the Cubs are the defending World Series Champions and this fight actually came to fruition despite the miles and miles of red tape, I think it's safe to say the normal rules of rationality no longer apply in this world. Grab your popcorn and hug the edge of that seat, folks ... this shit could be historic

McGregor gets a MONSTROUS ovation. We're talking Hulk Hogan at WrestleMania 3 loud, ya'll. Mayweather comes out dressed like he's a Mortal Kombat character, complete with a ski mask socked over his face.

Mayweather is soundly booed during the introductions. Mayweather keeps pursing his lips during the staredown and rules reading. 

McGregor controlling the tempo early. He landed about 30 punches compared to Floyd's four. At one point he even put his hands behind his back and taunted him. Alas, neither man really landed what you would consider a critical blow. All in all, it was a classical "Feeling it out" opening round.

Round two. McGregor doing incredibly well so far. He landed a good one-two combo while Floyd is playing it conservatively (he only had six jabs thrown in the whole round.) Conor is especially successful in the clinch so far.

Round three. McGregor STILL controlling the tempo, even though he may be getting a little too reliant on those (technically illegal) hammer fists. Mayweather whiffed on a haymaker and McGregor landed a solid counter to the jaw. His foot movement is really something.

Round four. Mayweather's best round so far. Still, McGregor got some very good shots up against the ropes early. He's definitely the aggressor in this fight thus far.

Round five. Mayweather got some good shots in, but Conor is still controlling the tempo. Still, Floyd had some very good shots in there - this might be the first round of the fight he's won on the scorecards.

Round six. Mayweather had McGregor in jeopardy for the first time in this fight with a flurry of body shots and hard jabs. Oddly enough, though, he took his foot off the gas and went back to his "lunging" strategy - which, really, hasn't had much success tonight at all. Conor with some good shots late in the round, but probably not enough to win him the round.

Round seven. Mayweather totally took control of this fight here and had Conor in deep dookie halfway through the round. McGregor's footwork - and clinching tactics - is the only thing that save his hide in the last frame.

Round eight. The closest round of the fight so far. I think Mayweather did more damage (at least in terms of landing power punches) but the fact this fight has been as competitive as it has been is just mind-blowing.

Round nine. Mayweather dominated this round and had McGregor in serious trouble. There are a couple of uppercuts Floyd missed that could've put Conor flat on his back. Unless McGregor knocks out Mayweather, this fight is pretty much in Floyd's bag.

Round ten. AND THE REF WAVES IT OFF! Mayweather tags McGregor up against the ropes and the official hops in before Conor's body hits the canvas. In the replay it looks like McGregor ate about four or five unanswered punches. We'll be arguing for years whether or not that was an early stoppage ...

Mayweather gets the "money belt" and socks a baseball cap that reads "undefeated" on his chrome dome. "Boxing's a hell of a sport, MMA's a hell of a sport," he says. "Our game plan was to go straight ahead."  At 50-0, he says he's done boxing "for sure."

"I turned him into a Mexican," Conor says in the postfight. "He's not that fast, he's not that powerful but he's composed." He says he was done in by fatigue, not damage, and he wants to go another two rounds. He also says he will go back to the UFC, but holy shit, is he going to charge some steep rates.

Well, that's that, kids. If you went into the fight expecting it to be an absolute joke, I reckon you were shocked shitless by just how well McGregor did early on in the bout, and who knows what sort of freaky, fluky shit could have happened in rounds 11 and 12? It was far from Mayweather's best in-ring performance (he was noticeably slower and less crisp than in years past), but it was fun watching him actually try to knock out an opponent instead of simply outpointing him. All in all, I thought it was a hell of an entertaining match-up that was approximately 50 million times more competitive than any of us expected; dare I say it, it might even be a legitimate fight of the year contender when it's all over and done with. Instead of giving the sport of boxing a black eye, it may have inadvertently gave it a shot of adrenaline; and if this whole two and a half month long McGregor/Mayweather hootenanny truly was nothing more than a freakshow spectacle, I think we're ALL in agreement about one thing: goddamn, was that one awesome-ass freakshow spectacle.

5 comments:

  1. Is the live stream going to be posted on this homepage?

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    Replies
    1. No live video feed here - just my smart-ass commentary all night long.

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    2. will the live commentary be posted here on the homepage?

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    3. Yep! We're getting going at 7 p.m. Eastern. Keep hitting the refresh button, because the updates will be coming fast and furious.

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