Monday, September 11, 2017

This Week in Social Justice Warrior-Dom (Sept. 11, 2017 Edition)

Trigger warning activated! Our biweekly recap of everything that irked, irritated and aggravated SJWs is back with a vengeance!

By: Jimbo X

BBC officially launches a website written in Blackanese

In one of the more brain-breaking, reality-questioning moments in recent human history, the BBC - that's the 'British Broadcasting Corporation,' not 'Big Black Cock,' although its kinda' hard to tell which is which these days - unveiled an all new web portal with news stories and op-ed articles written in "pidgin." Now, for those of you not in the know, "pidgin" is basically an extremely broken form of English that allegedly started in West Africa in the 17th century that is more commonly known as "ebonics" throughout the Western world. As a result, BBC Pidgin readers are greeted by headlines such as "Why dem dey call Hurricane human being name" and "Nuclear test: North Korea dey provoke Trump," which are supposedly targeted towards Internet users in places like Nigeria and Ghana, even though one can hear the exact same lingo in Birmingham, Ala. and Atlanta. The website itself is an absolute goldmine of unintentional comedy, with practically every article - even the ones about the most innocuous and humdrum of topics - sounding like the chitter-chatter of minstrel show characters. Take, for example, this article about Ghana importing 30 million condoms, which actually includes the following paragraph:
"Mr Cosmos Ohene-Adjei wey be di acting Director of Technical Services for Ghana AIDS Commission say him dey wonder why people no too dey use protection upon all di condom wey dey enter di country every year. 
Mr Adjei talk say dis one go scatter all di things wey di country don plan to make sure say people no spread di disease and cases of new HIV no go dey again."
So, yes, it's an entire website written the way functionally illiterate black people in Chicago speak. The BBC has actually invested millions in site upgrades to publish articles that sound like they were written by Pootie-Tang, even though if one were to read said articles aloud they'd almost certainly get chastised and condemned for mocking the African-American vernacular. Amazingly, when the people who operated Gizoogle did the exact same thing with their website more than a dozen years ago, they were lambasted as propagating racist sentiments. Alas, a decade down the road the new modernity has decided that publishing an article with the headline "Indian woman divorce husband because dem no get toilet" is not only not prejudiced or insensitive, but a vital social service and a big step forward for the globalized cyber-sphere as a whole. And to think - society once thought "jive talk" was a trivial absurdity; if the success of BBC Pidgin is any indication, however, we might not be far off from a world in which every kindergartner in the U.K. knows how to say "bitch, where be my bre-fess?" in no less than three different dialects.

Keith Olbermann hates Donald Trump so much it gave him Tourette's Syndrome

Even by the lofty standards established by liberal Hollywood elitists like Lena "sister molester" Dunham and Shia "'He Will Not Divide Us' and 'You're Going to Hell 'Cause You're Black'" LaBeouf, the rancor of notorious Trump-hater Keith Olbermann (who, unbeknownst to me, got shit canned by MSNBC and has now reduced himself to doing Twitter videos for GQ magazine) is quite extreme. In a recent series of tweets, he took the proverbial gloves off and tore into the sitting POTUS with a rich panoply of swears, beginning with his Aug. 25 social media statement describing Joe Arpaio as a "piece of shit" and the President as "filth." Roughly an hour later Olbermann published a tweet calling Sebastian Gorka a "Nazi fuck" and demanded "he leave the country," before responding minutes later to one of Arpaio's tweets by declaring "You and .@POTUS can go fuck yourselves, you Nazi fucks." Not that the colorful language is any way a newfound skill for Olbermann, whose tweets earlier in the summer included the downright poetic "can't we fucking get a fucking restraining order on this fucking asshole @realDonaldTrump already?" and even an electronic slight against his ex-employer reading "Jesus Fucking Christ, MSNBC, Trump's escalating it because he's fucking crazy and your boss Andy Lack won't let you call him that." Incidentally, Olbermann's sudden transformation into the Winnebago Man just so happens to coincide with the impending release of his new anti-Trump screed, entitled - what else? - Trump is F*cking Crazy (This is not a Joke), which, rather tellingly, features Keith himself shrouded underneath the U.S. flag and apparently mumbling to himself like a schizophrenic hobo on the cover. Uh ... projection much, muchacho?

MTV Video Music Awards now a musical paean to white guilt

Whenever I think "VMAs," I tend to think of the raunchy, the risque and the ridiculous. I.e., Prince showing the entire world his butt-cheeks, Howard Stern descending from the rafters dressed as "Fartman," and, of course, Andrew Dice Clay cutting bawdy nursery rhymes about eating out the asshole of Jill from Jack and Jill fame. Well, that ain't what today's MTV is about, by golly - indeed, the Aug. 27 festivities culminated with the introduction of an all new awards category entitled "Best Fight Against the System," which was awarded to no less than six different music videos with blunt as a sledgehammer political messages such as "Black Spider-Man," "Scars To Your Beautiful," some really cringey shit involving Shailene Woodley talking about Injuns and - of course - a random track from Hamilton about the pros of immigration. Making things even more on the nose, the awards were presented by none other than Robert E. Lee IV(!?!) - who apparently is a pastor who considers racism an inherent original sin in white people, which is something I don't recall either the Old or New Testament specifically stating, but whatever - and the mother of Heather Heyer, the Charlottesville counter-protester the media told us got squished to death by a Dodge Challenger (although her own ma said what actually killed her was an on-the-scene heart attack ... the plot thickens) driven by a guy who was either a racist, a pilled-up nutcase, or a pilled-up racist nutcase who despite hiss rancorous white supremacist views, was only able to murder one other white person in his alleged "hate crime." Naturally, one has to wonder what condemning a solitary vehicular (wo)manslaughterer has to do with "fighting the system," since such would seem to suggest that a bunch of Tiki torch wielding autists with a combined bank account of about $23,000 constitutes "the system" - i.e., the prevailing societal worldviews  and the infrastructure of modernity propped up by hyper-wealthy cultural engineersOf course, the fact that MTV is owned by an international conglomerate with $22.5 billion in assets which itself is majority owned by a super-wealthy 94-year-old white dude would seem to suggest that the cable channel is in fact the very system it claims to be fighting against ... which, logically, would make MTV ceasing to operate the biggest "sticking it to the man" statement the network could ever possibly make, wouldn't it?

Makeup company shitcans shemale for calling all white people 'racist'

The progressvist, hyper P.C., multiculturalism-uber-alles contingent experienced a rare culture war loss recently when L'Oreal handed spokestranny Munroe Bergdorf  his/her/its/their walking papers after some suspicious social media comments resurfaced shortly after Bergdorf inked a deal for the company's Paris True Match campaign. "Once white people begin to admit that their race is the most violent and oppressive force of nature, we can talk," read Bergdorf's dubious comments. "Until then, stay acting shocked about how the world continues to to stay fucked at the hands of your ancestors and your heads that remain buried in the sand with hands over your ears." Well, this didn't go over too well with the execs at L'Oreal, whom quickly cut ties with Bergdorf and released an announcement declaring they continue to support "diversity and tolerance towards all people, irrespective of their race, background, gender and religion." Naturally, Bergdorf doubled down on the honkey hate after L'Oreal dropped her off at the curb and DEMANDED her fans and supporters boycott the company. "Don't actually speak about the fact that lack of diversity is due to racism [or] speak about the origins of racism," Bergdorf said in a social media tirade, "it'll cost you your job." Perhaps this is the first instance of the liberal thought police realizing that the very same free speech curtailing diktats they want enforced on the political other can just as easily be yoked upon them; but then again, that would force Bergdorf's ilk to acknowledge opinions they don't like as free expression equal in merit to their own - and like Bergdorf's XY chromosomes turning into XX ones, don't expect such to happen in our lifetimes.

Proposed all-female Lord of the Flies remake irks feminists, other liberals who naively believe women are incapable of unsightly behavior

William Golding's classic tome Lord of the Flies revolves around a bunch of prep-school children who get shipwrecked on a remote island, and since they're all a bunch of 11-year-old shit heads, their meager attempts at creating a "just" society devolves into Might is Right tribalism, complete with the most corpulent kid getting murdered for being such a fat-assed fuck-up. Enter Scott McGehee and David Siegel, two Hollywood heavy hitters who seek to update Golding's 1954 yarn with an all-female cast, a'la the rather lamentable 2016 incarnation of Ghostbusters.  The proposed film adaptation, McGehee told Deadline, "is aggressively suspenseful, and taking the opportunity to tell it in a way it hasn't been told before, with girls rather than boys, is that it shifts things in a way that might help people see the story anew." Alas, it wasn't long before the intersectional-feminist contingent on Twitter got up in (presumably quite flabby) arms, criticizing and condemning the mere idea of the movie as - you guessed it - sexist. "I mean, Lord of the Flies is about toxic masculinity," tweeted some dingus named Charles Clymer, whose desire to virtue signal is so intense he literally has an LGBT flag emoji in his verified Twitter handle. "Hollywood should have two women write about a major film ABOUT TOXIC MASCULINITY." Equally miffed over the concept was Roxanne Gay, who is famous enough for a verified Twitter account even though I (and I'm assuming 99.8 percent of the rest of humanity) has never heard of her. "An all women remake of Lord of the Flies makes no sense," she wrote, "because ... the plot of that book wouldn't happen with all women." Of course, such overlooks the scientific data indicating women are more likely to engage in domestic partner violence than men, women are more controlling and aggressive in relationships than men, women in the West now account for roughly a quarter of all violent crimes and that the rate of violent crime in cities where women outnumber men are astonishingly higher than the rate of violent crime in cities where men outnumber women. And since girls are only twice as likely as their male cohorts to engage in bullying, is it really logical to assume that an all-preteen-girl utopia wouldn't be felled by the same fate of Piggy and company? All I can say is that if you think Mean Girls and Orange is the New Black are damning indictments of toxic femininity, just picture the equation without electricity OR sanitary napkins in the mix.

Back in black (on-white crime)

If the Charlottesville brouhaha showed us one thing, it's that there's nothing the media loves more than an opportunity to further their white conservative people have it out against the minorities narrative - even when there's no real black victim to speak of. And by now we all know there's nothing the media hates more than the converse of their own society-framing thesis - you know, all those stories about black people singling out and causing egregious bodily harm to white people based simply on account of them being white. And with that in mind, surely there's some good reason why all of the following lamentable incidents never became national news stories - BESIDES the fact the racial roles were the opposite of what the MSM preferred, right?

Charlie Hebdo praises Hurricane Harvey for drowning 'all the neo-Nazis in Texas'

In case you forgot, Charlie Hebdo is the French satirical magazine that saw seven of its employees get fatally riddled with bullets by incensed Muslim radicals in Jan. 2015. Now, you'd expect an experience like that to perhaps broaden the staff's perspective on why it's kind of a douchey thing to make fun of other peoples' tragedies, but alas, their Aug. 31 cover featured a cartoon of water-submerged swastika flag bearers with the caption "God exists. He drowned all the neo-Nazis of Texas." Of course, the cartoon conflated two wholly unrelated incidents - the Charlottesville crowd-plowing incident and the Gulf Coast getting FUBAR'ed by Hurricane Harvey - into an illogical jab at a subgroup that exists only in the minds of "self-enlightened" Parisian comedians (i.e., the kind of people who think Fritz von Erich was a real person.) Furthermore, the magazine's elation at the prospects of "drowned Nazis" seems to overlook the fact that Houston itself is a minority-majority city, with almost 40 percent of its residents Hispanics and a full quarter African-American, that has repeatedly been championed as America's "most multicultural" major metropolitan area. Alas, one has to presume the cartoonist won't have to worry too much about pissed rednecks gunning him down in retaliation for his doodle; call it a hunch, but something tells me his outlook wouldn't be as cheery had his comedic targets been the victims of flooding in Saudi Arabia instead.

Microsoft says it will continue to proudly violate federal law, perhaps hire more criminals as a big 'eff you' to Republicans

Recently, Microsoft President Brad Smith posted a statement online noting that he was aware of at least 39 "dreamers" - i.e., kids born in Mexico, Cuba, and other Spanish speaking countries where the water is about as drinkable as day-old mayonnaise whose parents brought them to the U.S. illegally - that work for the company, and if Donald Trump even dares think of rescinding Barack Obama's Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals executive order, he's gonna' fight like hell to keep 'em on the payroll. "Our company will exercise its legal rights properly to help protect our employees," Smith's blog post stated. "If the government seeks to deport any one of them, we will provide and pay for their legal council. We will also file an amicus brief and explore whether we can directly intervene in any such case." Of course, by admitting Microsoft hired more than three dozen illegal immigrants, Smith has opened the company up to some pretty hefty fines, and perhaps even a full-fledged federal investigation under the RICO Act - but by golly, in this, the current year, virtue signaling is unquestionably WORTH the potential jail time. Smith also damn, damn demanded that the G.O.P. put tax reform on the back burner to work on amnesty pathways for the roughly 800,000 undocumented Democrats that fall under the DACA program, arguing their "humanitarian needs" were far more important. Alas, Smith has yet to clarify whether or not he stands in solidarity with the 2,000 or so "dreamers" who have committed violent crimes since 2013, nor whether or not Microsoft has a position open for Carlos Rodriguez - the "dreamer" who shot and killed 24-year-old Kelsey Engelson outside a bar in Florida earlier this year.

Cornell University encourages students to rat out classmates who don't think new 'safe space' is the dandiest thing since sliced cheese

Remember that old children's' book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie? It was about this mouse that really wants a cookie, and this soft-hearted kid caves in and gives it a cookie, but after that it demands some milk, and after that it demands a straw, and a mirror, and a broom and for the boy to draw pictures of him and place them on the fridge like it was the visage of Kim Jong Un. In a way, it's still the greatest anti-welfare screed ever published, but it can also be seen as a quaintly illustrated warning about the endgame of the LGBT acceptance movement. Take a look at Cornell University, which recently commanded its students to report other students who have "negative reactions" to the campus homo weirdo safe space to "the Office of Workforce Diversity, Equity and Life Quality via a Bias Reporting Team member, such as the Coordinator of the LGBT Resource Center" (and if reading all of that all of a sudden made you wonder whether or not you stepped into a George Orwell novel, that makes two of us.) Interestingly, the university hasn't explicitly explained what it considers "negative reactions" to entail, although one would assume it would be horrible, horrible thought crimes along the lines of "not using inclusive language" or "assuming one's gender" or calling somebody a "sie" when they actually identify as a "zie." According to campus fliers, the safe space in question is meant to "affirm LGBTQ identities and lives and promote an affirmative and supportive environment," which means the queer-dos have officially stopped pushing for gay tolerance like they did in the 1990s and have now embarked upon a zero-sum cultural jihad for LGBT affirmation - i.e., demanding people shower them with praise for merely taking Johnsons into their sphincters for recreation and occasional profit. At this point, the whole LGBT social crusade isn't about civil rights anymore, but simply sating the enormous egos of vain clam diggers and peter puffers coast to coast - with the next stop, obviously, being the codification of their own all-consuming need for social exaltation. But that shouldn't came as a surprise, really - after all, what did you expect would happen after we finally gave the gaffers, lesbos and trannies of the world that cookie they've been begging for for decades?

Sacramento set to dole out $1.5 million in taxpayer money to incentivize gangbangers to stop killing one another

In late August, the city council of California's capital city decided that enough was enough, dabnabbit, and it was nigh time they did something about all of that gang violence on its streets. Rather than do something stupid like "hire more cops" or "have the cops you already have patrol the city's most frequent crime hot spots," the fine elected officials of Sacramento have come up with an even better use of approximately $1.5 million in taxpayer-pilfered general fund revenue ... they're going to give it to gang members as a financial incentive to stop shooting each other. The program, titled "Advance Peace," will hand out cash allotments to known or suspected gang members to engage in more prosocial behaviors, like attend school without killing anybody and well, just not killing anybody in general. Similar programs have already cropped up in other California cities like Richmond and Stockton, but it may never get up off the ground because the city council - despite voting unanimously for its funding - hasn't come to an agreement on whether to operate the program for three years or four. Alas, the residents of Sacramento appear to have a keener grasp of both reason and human nature than their elected officials. "How's the vote going to change anything?" said Allen Brown, a friend of a recently murdered man whose death was the catalyst for the program, to Sacramento's Fox affiliate. "It's up to the community to change. It's just senseless."

...and a few headlines that speak for themselves...


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