Monday, October 23, 2017

2017 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings (Week 8!)

USA Today and the A.P. can take a hike - these are the only college football rankings anybody ought to care about.

By: Jimbo X

Do you honestly respect the opinions of organizations like ESPN or USA Today to give it to you straight about college football? Of course you don't, which is where The Internet In America's 2017 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings come into play. Every Wednesday throughout the '17 season we'll post our own selections for the best teams in college football, complete with hilariously un-P.C. (yet surprisingly thorough) recaps of their last games as well as a brief preview of their upcoming contests. Plus, we're throwing in a whole bunch of animated GIFs you can steal and post elsewhere on the 'net, because we're cool like that. Simply put, you won't get better NCAA football analysis anywhere on the Internet - and if anybody else dare claims their rankings are more authoritative, you proudly have my permission to go to their corporate offices and take a big fat stankin' shat right on their doorsteps. And with all of that out of the way, who's ready to revisit the week that was in the best kind of football there is - the one with unpaid black people without due process in rape accusations?

Alabama (8-0)
Next Opponent: vs. LSU (Nov. 4)

Yeah, it's getting pretty hard to come up with new ways to say "well, Alabama just butt fucked another SEC team this weekend." It wasn't even close in Saturday's 45-7 domination of Tennessee, as Alabama's quarterbacks combined for 332 passing yards, which eclipses the total number of passing yards racked up by Vols' QB Jarrett Guarantano (44 yards on 9 completions) more than seven-fold. The rushing differential was just as one-sided; while Alabama was able to post 272 yards and four touchdowns on the ground, Tennessee could only manage 64 yards running the ball all day long

Penn State (7-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Ohio State (Oct. 28)

With their 42-13 mudhole stompin' of Michigan, Penn State puts themselves in pole position of the Big 10, with this weekend's showdown against Ohio State possibly serving as a de facto conference championship game (and perhaps even a national championship playoffs eliminator.) Both Trace McSorely and Saquon Barkley shined in the one-sided drubbing of the Wolverines; McSorely finished the game 17 for 26 for 282 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio while Barkley wrapped up the contest with 108 yards and two scores on 15 carries.

TCU (7-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Iowa State (Oct. 28)

Saturday's TCU vs. Kansas game was every bit as one-sided as we thought it would be. In the 43-nothin' laugher, Kenny Hill accumulated five passing touchdowns on the day, going 19 for 26 for 278 yards. And, as the score would suggest, the Horned Frogs' defense positively shut down the Jayhawks, holding the helpless, hapless team to just 46 yards passing and a mind-breakingly terrible negative 25 yards rushing.

Georgia (7-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Florida (Oct. 28)

The Bulldogs took a breather ahead of this Saturday's hootenanny with Florida, which might just be the game that gives Georgia the SEC East crown by default, thus propelling them towards an inevitable clash with Alabama for all the marbles come the first week of December. At the midpoint of the season, Georgia is averaging 454 yards per game, making them college ball's 37th most potent offense. Holding their opponents to just 253 yards per contest, the Bulldogs' D is ranked third overall in the country.

Wisconsin (7-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Illinois (Oct. 28)

The Terrapins didn't put up much of a fight with the Badgers, whom easily dispatched Maryland 38-13 over the weekend. Alex Hornibrook went 16 for 24 for Wisconsin, ultimately collecting 225 yards, two touchdowns and one interception on the day. Running the ball, the Badgers wound up accumulating 215 yards and two scores, with top back Jonathan Taylor registering 126 yards and one end zone visit on 22 carries.

Huh. I didn't know quarterbacks were allowed to use the old Triple H jumping knee attack from No Mercy on the Nintendo 64.

Miami (6-0)
Next Opponent: vs. UNC (Oct. 28)

Malik Rosier had a big day in Miami's 27-19 win over Syracuse. The Hurricanes QB finished the outing 26 for 43 for 344 yards and two touchdown passes, with receivers Ahmmon Richards and Christopher Herndon IV each chalking up almost 100 yards apiece. And on the other side of the pigskin, Travis Homer propelled Miami to 136 total rushing yards on the day, finishing the contest with 95 yards and one TD on 20 carries. 

South Florida (7-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Houston (Oct. 28)

Tulane may have outpaced South Florida in the air in the Bulls' 34-28 win Saturday, but USF definitely controlled the run game. While the Green Wave managed to accumulate 221 passing yards (compared to just 127 for USF), the Bulls nonetheless ran all over Tulane's defense, racking up 378 rushing yards and three trips to the end zone. South Florida QB Quinton Flowers ultimately concluded the game with three touchdowns - two lobbing the rock and one he picked up as part of his stellar 138-yard rushing day.

Central Florida (6-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Austin Peay (Oct. 28)

With each team posting dead even rushing numbers, UCF's more dynamic passing game was what gave them a leg up on Navy in Saturday's 31-21 victory. McKenzie Milton went 15 for 23 for 233 yards, plus another 47 running the ball. Meanwhile, Midshipmen QB Zach Abey could only chalk up 115 yards on two completions, though he did manage to scramble for 136 yards and one rushing score.

Ohio State (6-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Penn State (Oct. 28)

After drubbing Nebraska 56-14 two weeks ago, the Buckeyes sat on the sidelines Saturday ahead of their pivotal Oct. 28 clash with Penn State. Not only would a victory give Ohio State control of the Big 10 East, it would almost certainly pencil them in as one of the two teams participating in the conference championship. You know, pending they don't hunch the pooch and drop a game against Iowa or Illinois in the final four weeks of the season. Which couldn't possibly happen, right?

NC State (6-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Notre Dame (Oct. 28)

The Wolfpack was yet another team taking a breather over the weekend, but they've got a big one coming up this Saturday: an absolutely massive, gargantuan road trip to Notre Dame. And one week after that, they've got an equally tough home stand with Clemson coming to town. Of course, it's no guarantee, but if NC State beats N.D. and Clemson back-to-back, they'd HAVE to be considered a lock for the ACC Atlantic crown. And to think - with all of the hype Louisville, FSU and the Tigers had coming into the season, who'd ever imagined the goddamn fuckin' Wolfpack would be in the conference championship game?

The last time the Catholics laid the smack down this bad they owed some alter boys some serious hush money.

Notre Dame (6-1)
Next Opponent: vs. NC State (Oct. 28)

Brandon Wimbush had a hell of a game in Satuday's 49-14 poleaxing of USC. Throwing the ball, he went 9 for 19 for 120 yards and two touchdown passes, and running the rock he wrapped up the affair with 106 yards and two touchdowns on 14 carries. But don't overlook the gloriously underrated regular running back for the Irish; Josh Adams looked just as good as Notre Dame's QB, finishing the outing with 191 yards and three touchdown passes on 19 touches.

Clemson (6-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Georgia Tech (Oct. 28)

Clemson took a breather over the weekend - which, following their upset loss to Syracuse, was probably much needed. They return this Saturday for an in-conference scrap with Georgia Tech, which is followed up by a road trip to NC State just a week later. At the midway point of the season, Clemson (averaging 449 yards a game) has Division I-A ball's 41st-ranked offense. Allowing 289 yards per game, their defense ranks 10th overall in the nation.

Washington (6-1)
Next Opponent: vs. UCLA (Oct. 28)

Yep, Washington was yet another top-ranked team sitting on the (proverbial) sidelines last Saturday. Following their perplexing 13-7 upset loss to Arizona State two weeks back, the Huskies re-enter the fray this weekend with a tilt against UCLA. Allowing just 237 yards per game, Washington has college football's second best defense; however, averaging 449 yards per game on their own end, their offense is ranked 42nd-overall. (And before you ask, no less than six teams have a 449 yards-per-game average at this point in the season. And no, I have no idea why ESPN ranks UMass at No. 39 and Georgia Tech at No. 43, despite having the exact same stats, either.)

Washington State (7-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Arizona (Oct. 28)

A week after their hilariously awful 37-3 loss to Cal, the Cougars bounced back with a bruising 28-0 shutout of Colorado. In the one-sided shellacking, Luke Falk went 17 for 34 for 197 yards and three touchdown passes, while top back Jamal Morrow finished the game with 73 yards and one touchdown on 11 carries. And the defense, naturally, looked plum dandy, holding the Buffaloes to just 94 yards passing and only 80 rushing.

Oklahoma (6-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Texas Tech (Oct. 28)

In a shockingly close 42-35 win over Kansas State, Oklahoma wound up winning the whole kit and caboodle following a long touchdown run from Rodney Anderson (147 yards, 19 carries) with just seven seconds left on the clock. Stats-wise, Baker Mayfield was positively brilliant. Passing the ball, he had 410 yards and two touchdown passes on 32 completions, and running the rock, he posted another 69 yards plus two more trips to the end zone. Still, this team's ability to stop scrambling quarterbacks is atrocious; not only did the Sooners let Alex Delton throw the ball for 144 yards, they also let him run all over 'em for 142 yards and three rushing touchdowns.

Now that's how you end a ball game - by making people in Kansas even more depressed than usual.

Oklahoma State (6-1)
Next Opponent: vs. West Virginia (Oct. 28)

It may have taken overtime to do it, but the Cowboys nonetheless pulled out the W against Texas. Mason Rudolph went 25 for 38 for 282 yards but no touchdowns in the 13-10 victory, although top back Justice Hill did finish the outing with 117 yards on 33 carries (but again, with no touchdowns.) The hero of the day for Oklahoma State, ultimately, was defender Ramon Richards, who picked off Sam Ehlinger in the end zone to formally hand the contest to his brethren in orange. 

Michigan State (6-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Northwestern (Oct. 28)

It was by no means an exciting way to get the W, but the Spartans kept their longshot national championships playoffs dreams alive with a 17-9 win over Indiana. Brian Lewerke went 16 for 29 for 185 yards and one TD pass, while back LJ Scott ran for 87 yards and one trip to the end zone on 22 carries. And you have to give the defense some props, I suppose, for keeping the Hoosiers receivers and backs out of the end zone all game long. I mean, not a lot, of course, but at least some

Virginia Tech (6-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Duke (Oct. 28)

Virginia Tech massacred UNC over the weekend, pummeling the Tar Heels 59-7 in a one-sided, suspense-free home-stand victory. Josh Jackson went 10 for 20 for 132 yards and three touchdown passes, with top back Coleman Fox finishing the contest with 58 yards on seven carries. And defensively, the Hokies looked stellar, holding North Carolina's pass game to just 118 and its rushing attack to an impotent 54 on the day.

Memphis (6-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Tulane (Oct. 27)

Down by three in the fourth quarter against Houston, Memphis QB Riley Ferguson hit receiver Sean Dykes for a game-winning TD strike with just one and a half minutes to go, thus giving the Tigers the come-from-behind 42-38 victory. In all, Ferguson went 33 for 53 for 471 yards in the win, with one TD and one interception. Leading all receivers in the game was Anthony Miller, who wrapped up the affair with 178 yards on just ten receptions.

Toledo (6-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Ball State (Oct. 26)

The MAC-best Toledo Rockets thumped the Akron Zips Saturday 48-21, in a game that saw Toledo QB Logan Woodside (easily the most porn-tastic name in college football by a country mile) collect five touchdown passes. Woodside finished the one-sided contest 17 for 24 for 304 yards and one interception, while the Rockets' run game outpaced Akron 303 yards to 42 (with Terry Swanson alone finishing the game with 123 yards on 20 carries.)

And now, you can tell your friends you saw Toledo Rockets highlights. Imagine the jealousy of your peers.

Marshall (6-1)
Next Opponent: vs. FIU (Oct. 28)

Middle Tennessee didn't have prayer last Friday night, as the Thundering Herd squashed 'em 38-10. Although Marshall QB Chase Litton didn't exactly post the most impressive numbers (he went 16 for 24 for 168 yards and no TD passes), you can't say the same thing about the team's rushing attack. Both Tyler King and Keion Davis wrapped up the game with two rushing TDs apiece, with the former collecting 129 yards on the day. And the rushing defense didn't look too shabby, either, holding the Blue Raiders to just 53 pointless yards on the ground.

Iowa State (5-2)
Next Opponent: vs. TCU (Oct. 28)

Kyle Kempt had three touchdown passes in the Cyclones' 31-13 thumping of Texas Tech. Iowa State's QB went 22 for 32 for 192 yards, with Matthew Eaton (32 yards, five catches) collecting two end zone visits on the day. All eyes are on this Saturday, however, as Iowa State - who already scored a monumental upset against Oklahoma a few weeks back - seeks to knock TCU off the list of the unbeatens on the road.

LSU (5-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Alabama (Nov. 4)

The Tigers had no problem bumping off Ole Miss Saturday, as LSU topped the Rebels 40-24. Danny Etling went 9 for 13 for 200 yards and two touchdown passes, while the Tigers rushing attack absolutely thrashed Ole Miss 393 yards to 153 (complete with Derrius Guice finishing the game with 276 yards on the day.) Equally impressive was dual threat back Darrel Williams, who finished the game with 103 yards rushing and another 105 receiving.

Auburn (5-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Texas A&M (Nov. 4)

Although Jarrett Stidham had 218 yards passing in the Tigers' 52-20 win over Arkansas, oddly enough, he didn't throw either of Auburn's two TD passes on the day (although he did lob the only interception of the game, naturally.) Scoring the trick TD passes for Auburn were running back Malik Willis (62 yards on two rushes) and receiver Ryan Davis (63 yards, eight receptions), who combined for 66 total aerial yards. And then there's back Kamryn Pettway, who had three touchdown runs and 90 yards on only 11 carries for the orange and blue.

Colorado State (6-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Air Force (Oct. 28)

It was a close one, but Colorado State nonetheless managed to pull out the 27-24 victory against New Mexico. Nick Stevens went 17 for 33 for 231 yards and two touchdown passes, with top rusher Izzy Matthews collecting 116 yards and one TD on 21 carries. Of course, the Rams probably shouldn't be 100 percent content with their performance, though; after all, they did allow the Lobos to rack up 318 rushing yards on the day ... 


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