Wednesday, October 11, 2017

2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week 5!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X

This Week's Episode:
"The Least Sensible Season Continues ..."


Kansas City Chiefs (5-0)
Season Point Differential: +53

The Chiefs remain the only unbeaten team in pro football following their 42-34 win over Houston last Sunday night. Alex Smith continues to put up MVP numbers, going 29 for 37 in the contest for 324 yards and three touchdowns. And while Kareem Hunt didn't hit end zone paydirt against the Texans, he nonetheless finished the game with some mighty impressive statistics: 107 yards on 29 carries.

Philadelphia Eagles (4-1)
Season Point Differential: +38

Carson Wentz went full NFL Blitz in the Eagles commanding, domineering 34-7 win over the Cardinals. He wrapped up the game 21 for 30 for 304 yards, four touchdown passes and one interception, with each one of his TD strikes hitting a different receiver. Alas, as good as the Eagles run defense may be (they only allowed Arizona 31 yards on the ground), their pass defense - which allowed Carson Palmer's old ass to collect 291 yards in the air - remains highly suspect.

Green Bay Packers (4-1)
Season Point Differential: +23

It was a good old fashioned shootout Sunday afternoon, and this time around, the Packers came out on top. In Green Bay's 35-31 win against Dallas, Aaron Rodgers went 19 for 29 for 221 yards and three touchdown strikes, with running back Aaron Jones coming out of nowhere to collect 125 yards and one end zone visit on 19 carries. Of course, it's not all wine and roses (or beer and cheese, consider this is Wisconsin we're talking about) - the Packers' o-line also gave up four sacks, with their franchise QB getting drilled for a net yardage loss of minus 39.

Carolina Panthers (4-1)
Season Point Differential: +11

Just days after getting chastised for allegedly berating a female reporter, Cam Newton lobbed three touchdown passes and finished Sunday's 27-24 win over Detroit with 355 yards on 26 completions. Huh, it's almost like the more he taunts and humiliates women, the better his on-field performance; all I can say is watch out, NFC - if this dude decides he wants to start doing him some rapin', he might start scoring ten touchdowns every game

Denver Broncos (3-1)
Season Point Differential: +24

The Broncos had a bye over the week and will reemerge this Sunday night for a prime time hootenanny with the Giants. Averaging 341.3 yards per game, the Broncos currently have the League's 13th ranked offense. And allowing a scant 260.8 yards game - which is 40 less yards per game than the next-best D in pro ball - Denver has far and away the best defense in the National Football League. 

Atlanta Falcons (3-1)
Season Point Differential: +15

The Falcons had a bye last weekend and will resume their season with a 1 P.M. game against Miami this Sunday. Averaging 388.3 yards per contest, the Falcons' offense is ranked fourth in the League; allowing 318.3, their defense is currently ranked 10th overall. 

Jacksonville Jaguars (3-2)
Season Point Differential: +56

All I can say is holy goddamn motherfucking shit. Not only did the Jags absolutely maul the Steelers 30-9 Sunday, they may have actually turned Big Ben into a certified retard. All in all, the Jaguars collected FIVE INTERCEPTIONS off the Steelers' long-time (and purportedly, long-raping) QB, including an unbelievable two-fer of back-to-back pick sixes. Factor in Leonard Fournette's 181-yard, 2-TD rushing day and all of a sudden, it looks like Jacksonville is - somehow, someway - a genuine playoff challenger now.

Los Angeles Rams (3-2)
Season Point Differential: +31

The high-powered Rams' offense just couldn't get it going in their 16-10 loss to Seattle. Jared Goff has his worst showing of the season, going 22 for 47 for 288 yards, no touchdowns and two interceptions, while Todd Gurley was held to a season-low 43 rushing yards. Oddly enough, though, the Rams did win the statistical defensive battle, holding Russell Wilson to only 198 passing yards and the entire Seahawks backfield to just 62 yards on the ground.

Holy shit - Big Ben actually has BECOME his ProFootballMock character.


Detroit Lions (3-2)
Season Point Differential: +26

The Lions dropped a close one to Carolina over the weekend, falling 27-24 in a contest that saw Detroit come dangerously close to completing the comeback win. Matt Stafford had an alright day, going 23 for 35 for 229 yards and two touchdown strikes, but he also got sacked SIX TIMES for a cumulative loss of 37 yards. And speaking of the Detroit D, they really are a mixed bag. Although they looked great holding Carolina's run game to just 28 yards on the ground, their aerial coverage totally shit the bed, allowing Cam Newton to rack up 355 yards' worth of leather air mail.

Seattle Seahawks (3-2)
Season Point Differential: +23

In a very field goal-y game, credit Seattle's defense for the big 16-10 win over the Rams. With Russell Wilson (24 for 37, 198 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT) playing pretty ho-hum - and the run game sputtering out completely - it was the Seahawks' defense that won the day, with the D recording two interceptions and forcing an additional three fumbles.

Buffalo Bills (3-2)
Season Point Differential: +15

Well, the Bills totally shit the bed in Sunday's 20-16 loss to Cincinnati. T-Mobile lost all reception in game, finishing the outing with 166 yards, one TD and one INT on 20 completions, and the run game was even worse: at the final horn, the Bills could only muster 82 yards of ground offense, with LeSean McCoy topping out at 63. Oh, and the less said about the secondary that let Andy fuckin' Dalton torch 'em for 328 yards, the better.

Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2)
Season Point Differential: +10

There are bad losses. Then there are really bad losses. And then there are games where your aging franchise quarterback lobs five interceptions over the course of just 60 minutes, with two of them getting returned for points on the other side of the scoreboard. Now, I'm not saying it's officially time to put Big Ben out to pasture, but another game as bad as the 30-9 loss to the Jaguars and this team will have no choice but to give Landry Jones (or perhaps even Joshua Dobbs) the starting spot.

New England Patriots (3-2)
Season Point Differential: +6

It was by no means a dominant performance, but the Pats will take a 19-14 win over the Bucs, no questions asked. Tom Brady went 30 for 40 in the outing, ultimately collecting 303 yards, one TD and one INT at the final horn. Surprisingly, the formerly dormant New England run game looked impressive last Thursday, too, with Dion Lewis and Mike Gillislee combining for 105 yards on the ground.

Minnesota Vikings (3-2)
Season Point Differential: +6

Thanks to a late INT tossed by Mitch Trubisky, the Vikes were able to hold on to a narrow 20-17 victory Monday night. Sam Bradford got injured early on in the contest, leaving Case Keenum (17 for 21, 140 yards and one TD) to do most of the heavy lifting. If you're looking for a fantasy football dark horse, you might want to give Vikings' back Jerick McKinnon your considerations; not only did he have 95 yards and a TD running the ball, he also collected 51 yards as a receiver.

Baltimore Ravens (3-2)
Season Point Differential: -7

Joe Flacco went 19 for 26 for 222 yards in the Ravens' 30-17 win over the Raiders, although he didn't lob any TD passes. Indeed, it was Baltimore's rushing attack - which collected 143 yards and two touchdowns on the day - that proved the difference maker. Although fantasy football players probably aren't too peeved about Mike Wallace posting 133 yards on only three receptions, neither, pending they had the foresight to start him on their teams last Sunday. 

New York Jets (3-2)
Season Point Differential: -14

After an 0-2 start, the Jets have now won three straight, including Sunday's battle against Cleveland. In a narrow 17-14 win, Josh McCown went 23 for 30 for 194 yards, two touchdowns and one interception, and apparently, that was pretty much all they needed to do to get the win. The Jets' run game certainly wasn't a factor; after all, they did only muster a puny 34 yards of total ground offense, while allowing the Browns to record 140 rushing.

Oh, so that's why he's called a line coach!


New Orleans Saints (2-2)
Season Point Differential: +15

The Saints sat out week five and will return this Sunday for a home stand against the Lions. Averaging 370.5 yards a game, New Orleans is the League's seventh ranked offense; allowing 378.4 yards per game, the Saints also possess the NFL's eighth best defense ... which is something you REALLY wouldn't have expected considering the team gave up more than 1,000 yards in their first two games of the season.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-2)
Season Point Differential: +2

The Bucs' late comeback attempt was a noble one, but for naught as they still lost 19-14 to the Patriots last Thursday night. Jameis Winston went 26 for 46 for 334 yards and one TD, while DeSean Jackson wrapped up the contest with 106 yards on just five completions. And don't discount Doug Martin, neither, who had 74 yards and one rushing TD in the losing effort.

Washington Redskins (2-2)
Season Point Differential: +2

The Redskins had a bye over the weekend and return this Sunday for a 1 o'clock scrap with still-winless San Fran. Registering 363 yards a game, the Redskins currently have the League's eighth-ranked offense; allowing 311.3 yards per game, Washington also possesses the NFL's third-best defense, statistically-speaking.

Houston Texans (2-3)
Season Point Differential: +14

Despite dropping Sunday night's game to Kansas City by a 42-34 final score, Texans' QB Deshaun Watson doesn't have anything to be ashamed of - after all, the motherfucker only threw five touchdown passes in the loss. Alas, despite receiver DeAndre Hopkins and Will Fuller each grabbing at least two touchdowns and more than 50 yards a piece, the big news coming out of the game is the injury to JJ Watt - with a broken leg, he's almost certain to miss the remainder of the season.

Cincinnati Bengals (2-3)
Season Point Differential: +1

After starting the season 0-3, the Bengals are now on the verge of hitting .500 following Sunday's 20-16 victory over Buffalo. Andy Dalton went 22 for 36 in the contest, finishing the game with 328 yards, 1 TD and two interceptions, with A.J. Green cracking 189 receiving yards on the day. Still, the run game looked terrible, accumulating just 65 yards on the ground all afternoon. 

Oakland Raiders (2-3)
Season Point Differential: -1

After looking like a Super Bowl caliber team in the first two weeks of the season, the Raiders have dropped three straight, their latest being a 30-17 loss to the Ravens at home (which was apparently bad enough that it led to Raiders fans trying to fight Donald Penn in the parking lot after the game.) Anyway, the good news is that Derek Carr will be under center next week for an in-division tilt against the Chargers, and from the looks of it, the Chargers still suck. And if you care to revisit the abject misery of last Sunday's game live as it happened, you can always catch the encore presentation right here.

Dallas Cowboys (2-3)
Season Point Differential: -7

Dak Prescott tried to keep it competitive in the Cowboys' 35-31 loss to the Packers. The second-year QB went 25 for 36 in the outing, wrapping up the affair with 251 yards, three touchdown strikes and one INT. Ezekiel Elliot had another good showing (116 yards on 29 carries), but the turnovers absolutely tanked Dallas; factoring in that aforementioned INT, the Cowboys' O handed the ball to the Packers' defense three times.

Miami Dolphins (2-2)
Season Point Differential: -26

The Dolphins may have gotten a narrow 16-10 win over the Titans, but that ain't the big story coming out of the Fins' camp this week. Miami's offensive line coach Chris Foerster got shit-canned on Oct. 9 when footage was released of him apparently snorting the Colombian booger sugar through a rolled up  $20 bill. Of course, considering his primary job duty was to find ways to protect Jay Cutler, who wouldn't want to be coked out of their mind 24 hours a day, too?

How ironic - now he has no choice but to kneel during the national anthem.


Tennessee Titans (2-3)
Season Point Differential: -32

In a tough 16-10 loss to Miami, Matt Cassel went 21 for 32 for 141 yards and one TD. He also got sacked six times and hit after the pass ELEVEN times, so it's probably a good idea for the Titans to start kicking the tires on some potential back-up-back-ups. And in case you're curious: the next man up on Tennessee's depth chart is THE BRANDON WEEDEN, who, hopefully, will get at least one chance to quarterback duel with Scott Tolzien sometime before the season is over.

Arizona Cardinals (2-3)
Season Point Differential: -44

There aren't a whole lot of positives to take away from the Cardinal's demoralizing 34-7 loss to the Eagles over the weekend. With Chris Johnson only able to rack up 21 yards on nine carries, the once-feared Cards' rushing attack is now about as flaccid as John Madden's penis - and as evident by last Sunday's outcome, this team simply can't rely on Carson Palmer to keep the offense clicking. Alas, we'll see if Arizona's big gamble on Adrian Peterson does anything to get the team's stagnant run game going ...

Indianapolis Colts (2-3)
Season Point Differential: -62

It took some overtime play, but the Colts still managed to triumph over the 49ers 26-23 over the weekend. Jacoby "Whisker Biscuit" Brissett went 22 for 34 for 314 yards, no touchdowns and one INT, getting sacked four times and hit after the pass literally a dozen times. But he did rack up one rushing TD, so there's that, I guess

Los Angeles Chargers (1-4)
Season Point Differential: -16

Well, somebody had to win Sunday's battle of the 0-4 superstars, and this time around the Chargers came out with Lady Luck's blessings. In the 27-22 win, Philip Rivers went 21 for 44 for 258 yards and three touchdowns (plus one INT), with Melvin Gordon hauling in two touchdown passes as a receiver and posting another 105 yards as a rusher. And shockingly, they somehow managed to play a complete game without losing any big name players to injury. Now that's the real shocker.

Chicago Bears (1-4)
Season Point Differential: -46

Mitch "The Bitch" Trubisky's first NFL start wasn't exactly a rousing success. In the Bears' 20-17 prime time loss to the Vikes, the first year QB went 12 for 25 for 128 yards, one TD and one INT (which pretty much sealed the W for Minnesota.) But on the bright side for Chicago? At least their defense managed to sack Sam Bradford four times - although that same defense's inability to drag down Case Keenum does raise some intriguing questions.

San Francisco 49ers (0-5)
Season Point Differential: -31

The Niners are still winless following their 26-23 overtime loss to the Colts. Brian Hoyer actually played pretty well in the losing effort, though, going 29 for 46 for 353 yards and two touchdown passes, with top receiver Marquise Goodwin recording 116 yards on just five catches. Still, San Fran's rushing attack is plum pitiful, racking up a measly 66 yards of ground offense on the day, while allowing the Colts to out-run them for 159.

New York Giants (0-5)
Season Point Differential: -40

I know what you're thinking. The Giants, a trendy pre-season pick to win the NFC East, are now 0-5. How can things possibly get any worse? Well, I'll answer that one for you in haiku form:
Odell Beckham's leg
Snaps like twig in tornado
Now out for season
Cleveland Browns (0-5)
Season Point Differential: -47

The Browns lost yet another close one over the weekend, dropping a tough 17-14 loss to the Jets. DeShone Kizer got benched after going eight for 17 for 87 yards and an INT, and backup Kevin Hogan DID play noticeably better, finishing the game 16 for 19 for 194 yards and two TD passes. And their run game did outpace the Jets by a 140-yard-to-34 margin, which sorta begs the question: is this team actually TRYING to lose as many games as possible, as some sort of weird performance art piece or something?


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