Saturday, October 7, 2017

The Rocktagon Recap of UFC 216: Ferguson vs. Lee!

Can't afford tonight's PPV spectacular? No problem, homey - our LIVE(ish) round-by-round coverage will keep you in the loop all evening long.

By: Jimbo X

Well, this is going to be morbid and uncomfortable as fuck. To the best of my knowledge, tonight's PPV is the first major event held in Las Vegas since that one old fucker shot up the country music festival, and to say people are kinda in a funk heading into tonight's festivities is a bit of an understatement. Still, I can't think of a better way to mend a city's broken heart than by showcasing a whole bunch of people of varying ethnicities beating the living shit out of each other for money, and for that, we should all thank the UFC for their consolatory efforts.

We've got a, well, fairly solid card on deck for you. The main event pits two of the best Lightweight fighters on the planet against each other for the pride, honor and prestige of getting their ass kicked by Conor McGregor six months from now, while the co-main event offers us a historical title defense that might (read: almost certainly will) set a new UFC record. And we get to see Derrick Lewis fight, too, who should probably be the favorite fighter of every man, woman and child on the planet, if not for his tweets offering female coworkers advice on asshole-eating etiquette, then for his use of the old Rikisihi "stink face" as a legit offensive maneuver in the cage. LOL, no we're not, because Derrick Lewis pulled out of the card at the last minute. Plus, Evan Dunham is on the card, which is probably the first time anybody's thought about Evan Dunham in at least three years, so it has that going for it, too, I guess.

As always, we here at The Internet Is In America plans on providing you LIVE(ish) coverage of UFC 216 all evening long, with updates posted between each and every round. Our live stream (of consciousness) musings begin at 10 P.M. New York time, so go on ahead and bookmark this page and hit that refresh button fast and furious once fight time arrives. And do us and yourselves a favor and let your fightin' friends on the social medias know about our complimentary services - we'd appreciate it, and you might even get your dick sucked for being so helpful. But, uh, not from me, though - no homo.

He's seen a tough man cry, a loser win and a sad man grin. He's also heard an honest man lie, and seen the downside of up - allegedly.

The PPV begins with Dana White decrying the "disgusting" shooting that transpired in Vegas last weekend. Then they bring out half a dozen first responders and shooting survivors, all wearing Vegas Strong tee-shirts. And here's Everlast to sing "America the Beautiful." A pretty surreal way to start the show, for sure. We get some loud "USA" chants, and then it's a fade to the regular opening video package.

We are calling this shindig live from the T-Mobile Arena in Vegas. Jon Anik, Joe Rogan and Daniel Cormier is our announce team. "Hopefully for the next few hours we can give you some entertainment and normalcy," D.C. says. There's this weird house-music playing throughout the arena - it sounds like the techno version of the ambiance of an all-you-can eat Asian buffet, and now I really want some sweet and sour sauce on something.

Oh, and so you know - the NSAC hasn't adopted the new unified rules, so expect some sort of fluky bullshit refereeing fuck up at some point tonight.

Lightweight Bout
Beneil Dariush (14-3-0-0) vs. Evan Dunham (17-6-0-0)

Fuuuuucckkk ... remember when people were talking about Evan Dunham being potential Lightweight Championship material? That was, like, five years ago, wasn't it? Oddly enough, Dunham is on a four-fight winning streak as of late, with has latest Octagon sojourn resulting in a decision win over Rick Glenn, who is probably better known by his unofficial nickname "Who the fuck is Rick Glenn?" Meanwhile, Beneil Dariush is our token Iranian, whose last in-cage appearance ended with him eating a nasty flying knee from Edson Barboza. So all that to say - I probably wouldn't expect fireworks here. Sparklers, maybe, but definitely not the cool shit.

Dunham comes out waving the Nevada state flag. His theme music is CCR's "Fortunate Son."And in case you're wondering, no, he isn't related to Lena - even though they do kinda look alike in the face. Now Daniel Cormier's microphone is fucking up something fierce.

Dariush comes out looking like he's praying. And his music is this really soft, piano music with some broad singing. Yeah - a real specific description on my part, I know.

Is it just me or does Dariush kinda sorta look like Ben Stiller a little? LOL at this guy in the crowd booing Dariush and pointing to an American flag JPG on his phone. Dunham rattles off a combo. Dariush with a hard knee to the jaw. Dariush controlling the tempo early. Dariush with a hard left hand. Dariush drops him with two NASTY elbows. He has Dunham's back. Dariush is just fucking him up with elbow shots. Dariush is in the half guard. He's shoving Dunham's head into his sternum. Dunham grabs a leg and Dariush is drilling his skull with elbows. Dunham momentarily has a heel hook in. Dariush with MORE elbows. Thirty seconds left, and Dunham is back up. Dariush whiffs wide right on a looping overhand. How the fuck Dunham survived this round is beyond me.

Round two. One of the ring girls was actually at the country music shooting. She's also wearing low cut pants that show off half her ass - not that the two are related or anything. Dariush goes for a jumping knee and Dunham takes him down. Dariush is back up and Dunham is popping him with elbows up against the cage while the crowd makes Ric Flair "woo" noises. Dariush with a nasty leg kick. Dunham grabs Dariush's leg and hits a few hard elbow shots of his own. Dariush with underhooks in. Back in the center of the cage again. Dariush rattles off some more low kicks and he smothers Dunham up against the cage as the round expires.

Round three. Hey, did you know you can get UFC Big Gulps at 7-Eleven now? Because you can. Dunham with a high kick, but he doesn't connect on all of it. Dariush retaliates with some more low kicks. Dunham with a HARD right jab. More "wooing" from the crowd. Dunham shoots for a takedown. He's crushing Dariush against the cage. Now he's firing off some punches to Dariush's side in the clinch. Dunham whiffs on a head kick. Dariush follows with a good leg kick of his own. They exchange knees to the midsection. About a minute left. Dariush misses on a jumping knee. Dunham's swinging for the fences, but Dariush is smart enough to keep his distance. He gets one last knee in as the bell sounds.

The judges have it 29-28 for Dariush and two 28-28's to make it a majority draw. The crowd, naturally boo like motherfuckers. In the post-fight, Dariush says he hopes Jesus Christ gives the victims of the shooting comfort. Huh - the Iranian dude is a Christian. That's news to me. Meanwhile, Dunham says he's from Vegas so he don't quit and he don't give up and that he wanted to fight Dariush because he's really good and he wanted to test himself. Then they play "Last Dance With Mary Jane" by Tom Petty, because shit just ain't maudlin enough tonight.

Time to pimp UFC 217. And that's my cue to walk a puppy. Be right back.

It's a me, a-MARA-o! Get it, because it's referencing a Nintendo game.

Women's Flyweight Bout
Mara Romero Borella (11-4-0-1) vs. Kalindra Faria (18-5-1-0)

This has to be the most random-ass UFC PPV main card fight ever. Both of these broads are making their UFC debuts tonight and neither one of 'em has a Wikipedia page yet, so I had to go to fucking Sherdog to learn who they are. Not that anybody reading this gives even an iota of a sprinkle of a shit, but Borella is on three-fight winning streak, while Faria is also riding a three victory tide. Also, Faria got her ass kicked by Karolina Kowalkiewicz two years back, so at least she's got ample practice for being a divisional floormat. Apologies if I mysteriously disappear for the next 15 minutes, ya'll ...

Faria comes out to some gangsta' rap sounding shit. Also, her skin is like zombie/crank addict purple, and it's terrifying. Borella's theme music is literally just slave drums getting gonged over and over again. And for an Italian chick, she looks suspiciously toffee-colored. Just sayin' ...

Borella has a half foot reach advantage, by the way. The ring girl is named Brooklyn. Well, I wouldn't mind visiting her borough, if you catch my drift. Borella has the takedown already. She's in the full mount and throwing some punches to Faria's ribs. Borella has this bitch in the straight up missionary position. Now she has Faria's back. She's looking for a choke. It's in. And Faria taps. Well, that was a squash.

The official time is 2:54 of the very first round. Mara says some shit in Italian through a translator. Yeah, she'll probably be the favorite for when that women's flyweight title tournament gets set up.

Time to pimp the upcoming Donald Cerrone/Darren Till show two weeks from now. And now, our announce crew gets to do their best hard sell for a fight featuring Walt fuckin' Harris. Now this, I gotta' hear.

No offense, Werdum, but Christopher Reeve had better submission defense than that motherfucker.

Heavyweight Bout
Fabricio Werdum (21-7-1-0) vs. Derrick Lewis (18-5-0-1)
Fabricio Werdum (21-7-1-0) vs. Walt Harris (15-5-0-0)

This 'un ought to be a good one. Werdum is 4-2 in his last five fights, with wins over Cain Velasquez, Travis Browne (twice, actually) and Mark Hunt, although his last scrap in the cage was a decision loss to the Reem at UFC 213. Lewis, on the other hand, was riding a six fight winning streak, up until Mark Hunt knocked him loopy back in June. Of course, Lewis is especially heated up heading into this contest - not because he wants to rebound from a bad loss, but because the training camp for this fight forced him miss out on the McRib sandwich revival, and now some motherfuckers gotta' pay. Nope, we ain't getting none of that shit because Derrick Lewis hurt his back at the last second, so it's now gonna' be Werdum taking on Walt fuckin' Harris as a last second replacement.

Harris, whose nickname is "Big Ticket," comes out to some of that there rapping music all the kids are into these days. Meanwhile, Werdum comes out smiling ear-to-ear, like he just knows he's about to pick up the easiest paycheck of his career.

Werdum whiffs on a spinning high kick. Werdum gets the takedown and is in the full mount already. He's got the legs grapevined. Werdum has an armbar in, and Harris taps. That was barely a minute, ya'll.

You could literally watch the whole fight as an animated GIF. "That's Bald Bull or Soda Popinski in Punch-Out!!" Cormier comments on Werdum's effortless win. The official time is 1:05 of the very first round. In the post-fight, he says he wants his belt back. Uh, I think.

We've got some time to fill, so here's another tribute to Las Vegas' first responders. And here's another UFC 217 trailer, just 'cause.

You will be seeing this on every highlight reel for the rest of your life. Guaranteed.

Flyweight Championship Bout
Demetrious Johnson (26-2-1-0) vs. Ray Borg (11-2-0-0)

NOTE: The following is what I wrote in advance of the scheduled UFC 215 main event that never materialized. I'm reprinting it in full here because a.) I'm lazy as shit and b.) it's not like anything has fucking changed since early September, anyway ...

At this point, what more can be said about Demetrious Johnson? He's short, he kicks everybody's ass (as long as they weigh less than 125 pounds), he thinks Dana White has it out for him and he draws money about as well as Michael J. Fox does with an Etch-a-Sketch. IF he can beat Ray Borg tonight, that'll be his eleventh-consecutive successful title defense, which obviously, would be a new UFC record. But is there an off-chance Ray "The Tazmexican Devil" actually upsets Mighty Mouse tonight in Alberta Nevada? Well, seeing as how Borg has missed weight in two out of his last four bouts, I'd surmise that his championship chances are about as good as Richard Nixon's odds of being elected president in 2020 (you see, it's funny because Richard Nixon has already been elected twice, and also, he's been dead since 1994.) Anyhoo, this one ought to be a one-sided drubbing, but at least it will be a HISTORICAL one-sided drubbing, which I think we can all agree is the best possible kind of one-sided drubbing there is.

Borg comes out to "Shout at the Devil" by Motley Crue. Well, he wins having the best entrance theme of the night, anyway. Johnson gets the classical Bill Goldberg intro, with the security guards escorting him out of his dressing room. His entrance theme is, uh, music of some kind. Sorry, but I don't listen to much of the newer stuff, folks.

Borg with low kicks early. DJ retaliates with some inside leg kicks of his own. DJ whiffs on a high kick. Borg with a right uppercut. DJ with a kick to the body. Johnson has Borg's back. Borg's right back up. Borg shoots for a takedown. He has DJ down to one knee. Borg still has hold of the leg, though. "Mighty Mouse" chants break out. DJ spins out and grabs Borg's back. DJ has Borg splayed out on the mat. DJ is elbowing the fuck out of him. Now Johnson is in side control. And there's the hop into the full mount. He's in side control now, looking for a kimura, perhaps. Now Borg is working for a guillotine. DJ is in side control again, working a kimura. Borg looks for a kimura of his own as the bell sounds.

Round two. DJ with a leg kick. Borg shoots for a double leg. DJ with some potshot knees to the stomach. Johnson with more knees in the clinch. Borg working a guillotine. Borg loses it, but he keeps DJ tied up against the cage. BORG GETS THE TAKEDOWN. DJ is back up, but Borg wrestles him down AGAIN. Borg takes DJ's back, but he literally just shakes him off like a flea. DJ working from side control again. He's kneeing Borg in the ribs over and over. DJ with a ton of knees to the stomach. Borg clinches him against the cage. DJ with a takedown, but Borg tries to get a guillotine in as he falls down. Johnson is leading on punches 62-1. No, that isn't a typo. Borg is seated against the cage. DJ hits some shoulder butts as the round expires.

Round three. Well, my WiFi went down for half the round, so we join in progress with about two minutes left and DJ is in side control just walloping the fuck out of that poor sap. Now Johnson is in the full mount. Now he has Borg's back. Borg scrambles out and he goes for a guillotine. DJ is out in like half a second. Now we're standing. They trade like crazy and Borg FINALLY locks in a guillotine just a few seconds before the bell sounds.

Round four. Borg shoots for a takedown and he slams THE FUCK out of Johnson. Now Borg is in the full mount. Johnson is back up. Now Johnson is on top of Borg, pounding his skill with elbows. Yep, Johnson is in side control again. DJ grinding him out against the cage. They keep kneeing each other in the pelvis and it's kinda funny. Borg goes for a guillotine (again) but DJ ducks and knees him in the stomach instead. DJ with a massive slam. DJ has outstruck Borg by more than 100 blows in this fight. No, for real. DJ in side control again. He's elbowing Borg at will. Borg back to his feet. And DJ sweeps his ass to the ground again. DJ looking for an armbar in the waning seconds of the round.

Round five. DJ with a takedown already. And surprise! He's in side control. DJ with more elbows and knees to the body. DJ with another takedown, and Borg can't lock in the guillotine. What do you know, Johnson is in side control again. Johnson trying to get Borg's back. Borg scrambles out and DJ hits him right in the sternum with a hard knee. HOLY FUCK, DJ just turned a German suplex into a fucking float-over armbar IN ONE FLUID MOTION. That shit just broke every rule of physics you can think of. Borg fights it for a couple of seconds, but he HAS to tap.

The official time is 3:15 of the fifth. That finish is going to be replayed from now until the end of all-time. In the post-fight Johnson thanks the first responders and says he doesn't want to get concussions "because that shit is overrated." And like that, we've got a new record holder for most successful title defenses in UFC history.

Knocking out a dude is one thing, but making him scream uncle while smelling your balls is the ultimate way to a vanquish an enemy.

Interim Lightweight Championship Bout
Tony Ferguson (23-3-0-0) vs. Kevin Lee (16-2-0-0)

As we all know, Conor McGregor SHOULD be defending his Lightweight title against Khabib Nurmagomedov in Madison Square Garden, but because Conor wanted to engage in some extra-curricular activities and Khabib is apparently still recovering from that weight cut that almost killed him back in March, we've got to make do with Tony Ferguson fighting Kevin Lee for the placeholder gold instead. Not that what we've got here tonight is necessarily a bad little match-up. Ferguson is currently riding a nine fight winning streak, having bested Rafael dos Anjos, Lando Vannata and Edson Barboza in his last three fights. Lee, on the other hand, is riding a five-fight winning streak, with his last outing in the Octagon resulting in a submission win over Michael Chiesa. Of course, Lee also had just a wee bit of difficulty making weight for the bout, so that may or may not be a factor heading into our (substitute) championship contest ...

Lee comes out first. Seems like he's mostly getting boos. Oh fuck, it looks like he has a staph infection on his left titty, and Joe Rogan is going nuts. Ferguson comes out to something that sounds like it came off the soundtrack for Breakin' 2: Electric Boogalo. Anik praises him for his, and I quote, "self-belief," which I think we can all agree is an oft-overlooked MMA skill. Then Rogan celebrates him for making his own training equipment.

Yep, Lee's getting the shit booed out of him. There's probably a reason why, but I've been out of the loop for awhile. Both men are from Grand Valley State. Never heard of it, personally. "Ole, ole" chant. Lee with a high head kick early. Lee whiffs on another kick. Lee misses on an overhand right. Lee drops him, then Tony gets right back up and drops Lee. That was crazy. But not as crazy as the following sequence, where Ferguson locks in an armbar, goes for an omoplatta and winds up with Lee getting in the north-south position on the mat. Lee in side control. Lee in the full mount and he's raining elbows on that motherfucker. Ferguson survives, but just barely. And it looks like Lee got a free shot after the bell. But he only gets a warning for it, though. A fucking insane first round.

Round two. We've got ourselves a heated jab exchange early. Ferguson is winding up his arm like Donkey Kong in Super Smash Bros. No, for real. Loud "Tony! Tony!" chants. Both guys trying to fake each other out like Anderson Silva and it's fucking beautiful. Tony with a hard elbow to the face. Tony with a leg kick. Lee with a hard right hand. Ferguson leads Lee on significant strikes, 24 to 16. Lee with a hard kick to the body. Lee can't land the takedown. They exchange leg kicks as the round ends.

Round three. "Tony Ferguson is a patient wolf," Rogan comments. Lee with a takedown. The ref keeps admonishing Tony for grabbing the fence. Tony is right back up. Lee throwing some high kicks. Tony whiffs on a big swing. Tony with a kick to the stomach. Lee whiffs on another huge kick. Lee with a takedown. Tony looking for an armbar. Lee gets out of it - that was some impressive rolling. Tony hitting Lee on top of the head with some elbow shots. Tony going for a triangle. AND LEE TAPS OUT!

And Lee immediately starts crying like a little bitch. He even stomps his feet like a toddler when Tony is announced as the winner. Anyway, the official time is 4:02 of the third. In the post-fight, Tony says the victory is, and I quote, "wooooo, fuckin' amazing." On McGregor: "Where are you, McNugget, you motherfucker!" Time to hear from Lee. Fuck, that is the whitest-sounding black dude of all-time. He makes Bryant Gumbel sound like Mr. T. And LOL at Rogan calling him "Tony" to add insult to injury.

And here's one more UFC 217 promo to close out the night. I'll be back first thing in the morning with some follow-up thoughts. But first ... sleep.

SO, WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? In an ideal world, Tony Ferguson vs. Conor McGregor would get the green light for the big New Year's Eve show, but odds are McGregor is going to be playing hardball for a couple of more months. And with Khabib probably sitting in the sidelines for at least another half year or so, that means the next (interim) Lightweight Championship tilt will probably entail Tony Ferguson vs. the winner of the upcoming Eddie Alvarez/Justin Gaethje bout. And while it would be cool to watch Mighty Mouse go toe-to-toe with a Dominick Cruz or a TJ Dillashaw, it's pretty much a lock we're getting Demetrious Johnson vs. Henry Cejudo 2 for the next Flyweight Championship tilt. If Overeem isn't in fighting shape by the time 2018 rolls around, I wouldn't be surprised if they went on ahead and booked Stipe Miocic vs. Fabricio Werdum for either the New Year's Eve or Super Bowl Saturday main event. And why not set up Beneil Dariush vs. Kevin Lee for a mid-card enhancer at UFC 219? 

THE VERDICT: From top to bottom this was a GREAT show, with the top four matches all delivering awesome finishes (even if two of 'em were Strikeforce-esque squashes.) The prelims were solid (the Bobby Green vs. Lando Vannata bout is already garnering FOTY-talk), the Dunham/Dariush curtain jerker was one of the best PPV openers in recent memory, watching Ferguson's wild comeback against Lee was a hoot and being able to say I watched Demetrious Johnson debut the German Suplex Arm Bar (I henceforth propose we call his new finisher "The Mousetrap") LIVE as it happens is something I will always cherish as a fight fan. And surprisingly, the UFC handled all of the shooting memorial stuff with more tact and dignity than I think any of us anticipated. All in all, this might just be the dark horse pick for MMA Card of the Year - the UFC certainly has its work cut out for it trying to top this shit over the next three months.

SHOW HIGHLIGHT: The awesome Ferguson/Lee main event was the tits, but NOTHING can top the finish of the Demetrious Johnson/Ray Borg bout.

SHOW LOWLIGHT: That Matt Schnell/Marco Beltran undercard fight, I hear, was all kinds of terrible.

ROGAN-ISM OF THE NIGHT: "Her screaming is scary, too" - on the post-victory shrieks of Mara Romero Borella. 


  • In the wake of a national tragedy, nothing mends a country's broken heart quite like wheeling out that one dude from House of Pain.
  • Italian girls definitely know how to yank on an organ, if you catch my drift.
  • It might not be the best idea in the world to take on the best BJJ Heavyweight of all-time on three hours' notice.
  • Contrary to Newton's Law of Universal Gravitation, apparently you can grab a mother fucker out of mid air and hit him with arm bar before he even hits the ground without even letting go of a suplex.
  • I'm not saying black people are bad at geometry, but they sure seem to have a hard time figuring out how triangles work.

Well, that's all I've got for you this week. Crank up "Don't They Know..." by Stephanie and Negative Gemini and "We Are The Wild Ones" by NINA and I'll be seeing you cageside in just a few.


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