Monday, November 27, 2017

2017 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings (Week 13 - Conference Championships Edition!)

USA Today and the A.P. can take a hike - these are the only college football rankings anybody ought to care about.

By: Jimbo X

Do you honestly respect the opinions of organizations like ESPN or USA Today to give it to you straight about college football? Of course you don't, which is where The Internet In America's 2017 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings come into play. Every Wednesday throughout the '17 season we'll post our own selections for the best teams in college football, complete with hilariously un-P.C. (yet surprisingly thorough) recaps of their last games as well as a brief preview of their upcoming contests. Plus, we're throwing in a whole bunch of animated GIFs you can steal and post elsewhere on the 'net, because we're cool like that. Simply put, you won't get better NCAA football analysis anywhere on the Internet - and if anybody else dare claims their rankings are more authoritative, you proudly have my permission to go to their corporate offices and take a big fat stankin' shat right on their doorsteps. And with all of that out of the way, who's ready to revisit the week that was in the best kind of football there is - the one with unpaid black people without due process in rape accusations?

Wisconsin (12-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Ohio State (Dec. 2)

After blanking Minnesota 31-0 in their regular season finale, the Badgers are the only undefeated team in Division IA with a shot of making the final four. It's pretty simple, really: if they beat Ohio State for the Big 10 Championship this Saturday, not only are they in the playoffs, they'll probably be seeded No. 1 overall. But if they lose? Well - something tells me there are several one-loss teams the selections committee are likely to choose over the boys from Madison.

Central Florida (11-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Memphis (Dec. 2)

Following a 49-42 shootout win against South Florida, the Knights find themselves going toe-to-toe with Memphis this weekend for the AAC title. Of course, even if Central Florida wins that one, there's no way in hell they'll make the playoffs - although it seems fairly reasonable they'd be in line for one of the other Big Six bowl games, perhaps.

Alabama (11-1)
Next Opponent: vs. T.B.D.

The Tide fell from the ranks of the unbeatens Saturday after Auburn bested 'em at the Iron Bowl 26-14. Alas, even with the L on their record one has to assume Alabama still has a pretty good chance of making the playoffs. Indeed, if TCU or Ohio State win out this weekend, it's next to impossible imagining the playoffs committee choosing them over Nick Saban's squad.

Clemson (11-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Miami (Dec. 2)

After shellacking South Carolina 34-10, Clemson now gets to lock horns with Miami for the ACC Championship this weekend. It's pretty much a feast or famine situation for the Tigers; if they beat the Hurricanes this Saturday, they're all but guaranteed a spot in the playoffs. But if they lose? My Magic 8-Ball says their postseason dreams start looking very, very hazy ... 

Oklahoma (11-1)
Next Opponent: vs. TCU (Dec. 2)

After a 59-31 drubbing of West Virginia in their regular season finale, the Sooners now turn their attention to TCU in the first Big 12 Championship Game in more than a decade and a half. It's a "win and you're in" situation for Baker Mayfield and pals, without question; but if OU does lose, it's pretty much a guarantee they'll be eliminated from playoffs consideration, with Alabama more than likely getting what would've been their postseason berth.

Shit - Baker Mayfield just can't wait to be the next Eric Crouch, can he?

Georgia (11-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Auburn (Dec. 2)

If Georgia beats Auburn in the SEC Championship Game this Saturday, they're an absolute lock for the National Playoffs. Of course, that's easier said than done, seeing as how the Tigers have already beat 'em once this season, 40-17. A loss, however, all but takes the Bulldogs out of the playoffs discussion - but on the bright side, at least they'll have de facto home field advantage in Atlanta over the weekend.

Miami (10-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Clemson (Dec. 2)

A shock loss to Pittsburgh last Friday makes this Saturday's ACC title showdown against Clemson a true do or die situation for the Hurricanes. Simply put, if Miami wins, they're in the playoffs, and if they lose? Looks like it's Destination: Orange Bowl, or worse

Memphis (10-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Central Florida (Dec. 2)

The Tigers can take home the AAC Championship this Saturday - and in the process, end Central Florida's "unbeaten season" aspirations. I suppose the bigger question, though, is where does the team go from there; with a playoffs spot out of the question, will a hypothetical 11-1 Memphis team have the credentials to lock up a spot in a New Year's Six soiree?

Auburn (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Georgia (Dec. 2)

After upsetting Alabama at Jordan-Hare, the Tigers now travel to Atlanta Saturday to battle the Bulldogs for the SEC title. The arithmetic here couldn't get any simpler: if Auburn wins, they are an absolute LOCK for the playoffs. But if they lose - there's no way in hell a team with three losses is going to get invited to the final four.

Ohio State (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Wisconsin (Dec. 2)

There was some intrigue in Saturday's 31-20 win over Michigan - most notably, in the allegations that a cameraperson tried to Tonya Harding J.T. Barrett before the game began. Alas, THE Ohio State will be competing for the Big 10 Championship against Wisconsin this Saturday, but even with a win it seems very, VERY unlikely that the team would get slotted in for a final four berth. Not that it's impossible - if TCU wins the Big 12, their MIGHT be an offhanded chance the Buckeyes get the No. 4 spot - but it's definitely a longshot I wouldn't gamble my shekels on.

J.T. Barrett, seen here demonstrating the proper way to grab dat pussy in a crowded room.

TCU (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Oklahoma (Dec. 2)

Even if the Horned Frogs beat Oklahoma this Saturday, there's no way in hell they make it to the playoffs. Indeed, this Big 12 Championship hootenanny is hardly anything more than TCU getting a chance to dash the Sooners' National Championship hopes - which, yeah, they most certainly could do this weekend.

USC (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Stanford (Dec. 1)

The PAC-12 is going to be the odd Power Five duck out this season, and both USC and Stanford know this Friday's conference championship is pretty much pointless. Still, a win here should raise the Trojans' stock for next season - and, of course, cement them in place for yet another Fiesta Bowl appearance come New Years' time.

Penn State (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. T.B.D.

It's destination unknown for the Nittany Diddler Protectors, who wrapped up their regular season campaign with a 66-3 beatdown of Rutgers. It's unlikely the team will get a New Year's Six bowl, but you never know - they could find themselves getting inserted into the Cotton Bowl, depending on how Championship Saturday shakes out.

Washington (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. T.B.D.

Although the Huskies did get the honor of beating the holy hell out of Washington State 41-14, it was for naught as Stanford did their part and held off Notre Dame to punch their ticket to the PAC-12 title game. Which means Washington is almost certainly headed towards either the Alamo Bowl or the Holiday Bowl, which is only slightly better than finding out you have AIDS.

South Florida (9-2)
Next Opponent: vs. T.B.D.

Despite losing 49-42 against Central Florida Saturday, Bulls quarterback Quinton Flowers has nothing to be ashamed of. Why? Because the motherfucker only finished the game with 503 passing yards and four touchdowns, plus ANOTHER 102 yards running the ball (and with it, yet another end zone visit.) Yeah - at this point, I think it's safe to say this guy has outgrown his "poor man's Lamar Jackson" reputation; if anything, we probably ought to be calling Louisville's quarterback "a poor man's Quinton Flowers" from hereon out.

TFW when you score six touchdowns and put up more than 600 yards of offense and you still don't win the game.

San Diego State (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. T.B.D.

Despite having the best overall record of any team in the MWC, the Aztecs will be sitting at home crying and/or pulling their puds while 9-3 Boise State dukes it out with 9-3 Fresno State for the conference crown. Most likely that means SDSU will be showing up at the Honolulu Bowl on Christmas Eve, where they will match up with some also-ran from the AAC. Man - I can't imagine the overnight ratings on that shit.

Toledo (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Akron (Dec. 2)

Toledo is going for the MAC crown against Akron this weekend, if you're among the 60 or 70 people currently alive who gives a shit. Odds are the winner of that game will take on the de facto winner of the Sunbelt Conference in this year's Dollar General Bowl, which sounds like some shit a cynical asshole like me would make up as parody, but alas - sometimes, life just out-assholes even the assholiest of us all

Troy (9-2)
Next Opponent: T.B.D.

Since the Sunbelt Conference won't have a championship game until next season, I suppose Troy is this year's de facto champ via possession of the conference's best overall record. Next up for the third best football program out of Alabama? Most likely an appearance at either the New Orleans Bowl or the AutoNation Cure Bowl - which, apparently, is the cure for insomnia.

Stanford (9-3)
Next Opponent: vs. USC (Dec. 1)

With a victory over a very, very uninspired Notre Dame squad last weekend, the three-loss always singular Cardinal find themselves clashing with USC for the PAC-12 title this Friday evening. Neither the victor or the loser will get anywhere close to the National Playoffs, but there's a pretty good chance the victor will probably make an appearance in the Fiesta Bowl - as if that's any kind of motivation, which it most likely isn't.

Northwestern (9-3)
Next Opponent: T.B.D.

With a 42-7 beatdown of Illinois behind them, Northwestern now has to play the waiting game to see where they will wind up in this year's bowl bonanza. Which, at this point, seems to point the Wildcats towards either the Heart of Dallas Bowl or the Quick Lane Bowl, which is held in the most scenic of resort cities in these United States ... Detroit

Sure, you might call it "shamelessly running up the score." And in this case - you'd be right.

Oklahoma State (9-3)
Next Opponent: T.B.D.

Despite pummeling Kansas 58-17, the Cowboys lost the conference matholympics and got short changed out of an appearance in the Big 12 title game. But not all hope is lost for Mason Rudolph and pals - with a 9-3 final record, they can easily get slotted in for an appearance at the Alamo Bowl, the Camping World Bowl, or even that showcase of the immortals, the motherfuckin' Liberty Bowl.

Notre Dame (9-3)
Next Opponent: T.B.D.

After succumbing to Stanford, the Irish find themselves all but eliminated from the New Year's Six bowl game discussion. Alas, with a 9-3 final record, Notre Dame nonetheless has a pretty good shot at making a mid-major like, uh, the Independence Bowl or the Pinstripe Bowl? Note to this year's Fighting Irish: wherever they're sending you, be sure to pack plenty of booze.

LSU (9-3)
Next Opponent: T.B.D.

After drubbing Texas A&M 45-21, the Tigers have to do a little bit of waiting to see where they'll be playing ball next. The Texas Bowl, The Birmingham Bowl and the Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl are all distinct landing spots, as are the Belk Bowl, the Outback Bowl and the Citrus Bowl. And yes, all of those options suck, and horrifically.

Fresno State (9-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Boise State (Dec. 2)

Well, Fresno State beat Boise State last Saturday, and now, this Saturday, they will be playing ... Boise State again. Will it be second verse, same as the verse in the 2017 MWC Championship Game? Looks like we'll just have to wait with bated breath to find out. That is, if we even bother checking the final score, which is about 50/50 at this point.

Boise State (9-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Fresno State (Dec. 2)

After falling 28-17 to Fresno State Saturday, the Broncos have an opportunity to exact instant revenge this weekend in a rematch that also doubles as the 2017 MWC Championship Game. Oh, and the contest is going to be held on Boise State's home turf, so for you motherfuckers who enjoy your college ball with Smurf-colored grass - well, get ready to have yourselves a ball.


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