Wednesday, November 22, 2017

2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week 11!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X

This Week's Episode:
"Thanks for nothin'"


Philadelphia Eagles (9-1)
Season Point Differential: +132

Pending he doesn't break his butthole or something like that this weekend, Carson Wentz is pretty much a look for this year's MVP award. His outstanding play continued in Sunday night's 37-9 spankin' of the Cowboys, as he went 14 for 27 for 168 yards and two touchdown passes. But let's give Philly's D some props, too - after all, they did force four turnovers (including three interceptions) off Dak Prescott, in addition to dropping his ass four times for negative 32 yards.

New Orleans Saints (8-2)
Season Point Differential: +106

With 5:58 left in the fourth quarter, the Saints were down 31-16 against the Redskins. So, naturally, Drew Brees would toss two consecutive touchdown passes, with Alvin Kamara running it in a two-point conversion to make it 31-31 with 1:05 left in regulation. Of course, overtime rolls around and at the 7:25 mark, Wil Lutz kicked a 28-yard chip shot to give New Orleans quite possibly the single most improbable comeback victory of the 2017 season.

New England Patriots (8-2)
Season Point Differential: +87

Tom Brady went 30 for 37 for 339 yards and three TD passes as the Pats steamrolled the Raiders 33-8 in Mexico City Sunday. Brandin Cooks chalked up an impressive 149 yards and one end zone saunter on six receptions, while Danny Amendola collected 66 yards and a TD haul on eight catches. Oh, and because nobody had the balls to bring it up, the Patriots/Raiders clash coincidentally pitted the absolute whitest team in pro football against the absolute blackest - like you even need me to tell you which is which, either.

Minnesota Vikings (8-2)
Season Point Differential: +69

The Vikes defense held steady against one of the League's most potent offensive threats, as Minnesota thumped the Rams 24-7 Sunday. Case Keenum went 27 for 38 for 280 yards and one TD pass (to wideout Adam Thielen, who finished the game with 123 yards on six catches), while ex-Raider Latavius Murray chalked up two touchdown runs and 95 yards on 15 carries. And let's hear it for that rushing defense - holding Todd Gurley to just 37 yards on the day is definitely something to boast about.

Pittsburgh Steelers (8-2)
Season Point Differential: +67

Big Ben had arguably his best game of the season in last Thursday's 40-17 win over the Titans. He went 30 for 45 for 299 yards and four touchdown passes, with Antonio Brown collecting three touchdown hauls and 144 yards on ten receptions. Still, Le'Veon Bell had a pretty poor showing - at the final horn, he was held to just 46 yards on 12 carries, with no end zone appearances.

Los Angeles Rams (7-3)
Season Point Differential: +117

The Rams fell flat against the Vikings Sunday, losing 24-7. Jared Goff went 23 for 37 for 225 yards but no TD passes, while Todd Gurley could only muster a solo TD and 37 yards on 15 carries. Alas, the defense had no hope penetrating the Vikings offensive line - they recorded no sacks and had only six tackles for losses all game long.

Jacksonville Jaguars (7-3)
Season Point Differential: +104

Yeah, it was just the Browns, but you can't overlook the awesomeness of Jacksonville's D. The Jags held DeShone Kizer to 179 yards on the day, which you might as well roll back to 134 considering the fact "Sacksonville" put him flat on his ass five times for a cumulative loss of 45 yards. And if that wasn't enough, they also picked off the former Fighting Irish twice, caused him to fumble the ball thrice and hit him after the pass eight times.

Carolina Panthers (7-3)
Season Point Differential: +33

The Panthers had a bye last week but Cam and company will be back in action this Sunday for a 1 o'clock (local time) skirmish with the Jets. Speaking of Cam, if you were wondering what his stats were heading into week 11, wonder no more - in ten games, he's racked up 2,232 yards and 14 touchdown passes, plus another 436 yards and four TDs running the ball - which, technically, makes him a more productive ball carrier than Latavius Murray, Marshawn Lynch, Dion Lewis or Adrian Peterson at this point in the season.

Bitch, in Jacksonville they don't play.


Seattle Seahawks (6-4)
Season Point Differential: +43

Seattle came up three points short in a 34-31 home loss to the Falcons on Monday night. Russell Wilson went 26 for 42 for 258 yards, two touchdown passes and one interception - plus he racked up another 86 yards and one rushing score on seven carries. Still, the O-line has gotta' do a better job protecting him; Atlanta defenders managed to sack him three times, knock the ball loose from him once and smack him after the pass eight times.

Kansas City Chiefs (6-4)
Season Point Differential: +42

In what has to be the "get the fuck out of here" upset of the season thus far, the Chiefs actually lost 12-9 to the New York Giants over the weekend. Even more remarkable, Alex Smith managed to lob TWO interceptions over the course of the game, finishing the outing with 230 yards and no touchdown passes. And if that wasn't bad enough for you, you HAVE to see Travis Kelce's attempt at throwing the ball - all I can say is holy goddamn fucking shit.

Detroit Lions (6-4)
Season Point Differential: +37

Detroit just barely prevailed over the Bears 27-24, but hey - a victory is still a victory, especially in this National Football League. Anyhoo, Matt Stafford went 21 for 31 for 299 yards and two touchdown passes, with Marvin Jones Jr. finishing the day with 85 yards and one TD haul on four catches. Alas, this team's ability to stop the run might as well be called a disability to run the ball, considering the defense let Chicago outgain 'em on the ground 222 yards to freakin' 64.

Atlanta Falcons (6-4)
Season Point Differential: +21

It ain't easy beating Seattle on their home turf, but the Falcons did precisely that, eking out a 34-31 victory on the road last Monday night. Matt Ryan went 19 for 27 for 195 yards and two TD passes, with Julio Jones recording 71 yards on five receptions. Running back Tevin Coleman had a pretty decent showing, too - he wrapped up the game with 43 yards and one TD on 20 carries.

Tennessee Titans (6-4)
Season Point Differential: -31

The Titans got rekt last Thursday night, dropping a 40-17 loss to the Steelers. Marcus Mariota managed to lob FOUR interceptions in the crushing defeat, ultimately concluding the game 22 for 33 with 306 yards and only one touchdown throw. But on the plus side? He did manage to creep his way into the end zone for a rare scrambling score - you know, not like it really mattered or anything like that.

Baltimore Ravens (5-5)
Season Point Differential: +42

The Ravens positively SQUASHED the Packers last Sunday, blanking Green Bay 23-0 at Lambeau. Joe Flacco went 22 for 28 for 183 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT split, but really, this game was all about Baltimore's D; not only did they pick off Brett Hundley three times, they sacked him six times for negative 49 yards and hit him after the pass an astounding eleven times

Dallas Cowboys (5-5)
Season Point Differential: 0

The Cowboys got drubbed Sunday night as the Eagles dominated them 37-9. Dak Prescott got intercepted thrice, fumbled away the ball once and was sacked four times by Philadelphia's defenders, as he finished the contest with a scant 145 yards and zero touchdown passes on 18 completions. And don't even ask about this team's rush defense; only able to rack up 112 yards without Ezekiel Elliot in the backfield, Dallas' D let the Eagles running back committee chalk up 215 yards on the ground, with two rushing touchdowns.

Green Bay Packers (5-5)
Season Point Differential: -26

Well, shit. What can you say about the Packers' horrendous 23-0 loss to Baltimore at home? Needless to say, Brett Hundley (21 for 36 for 239 yards, zero TD passes and three interceptions) probably ain't going to be the future franchise QB. Indeed, if he keeps playing so poorly, it's hard to imagine any team acquiring him once he's a free agent next season. Which, of course, raises an interesting question: will Green Bay roll the dice on a first round backup QB in next spring's draft? Considering what this season has taught 'em, I definitely wouldn't bet against it.

Don't you just hate it when you have to admit a white man is your superior?


Buffalo Bills (5-5)
Season Point Differential: -42

Woo boy, I reckon it's safe to say the Nathan Peterson experiment is over in Buffalo. In a horrific 54-24 loss to the Chargers, Nate The Not-So Great lobbed FIVE interceptions, including a pick six tossed into the arms of Korey Toomer barely three minutes into the first half. Completing six of 14 passes, Peterson finished the game with a literally retarded QBR of just 0.3 - thus, ensuring this guy probably won't ever start in a pro football game ever again, unless that shit's happening in Canada on a 110-yard-long field.

Los Angeles Chargers (4-6)
Season Point Differential: +25

Considering the fact L.A. beat Buffalo by 30 points, I reckon it's safe to say the Chargers had a pretty good day on Sunday. Phil Rivers went 20 for 32 for 251 yards and two touchdown passes, with Keenan Allen finishing the game with 159 yards and two touchdown hauls on 12 completions. And yeah, the defense had a field day, too - at the final horn, the Chargers' defense racked up six turnovers, including two defensive touchdowns off an interception in the first and a fumble recovery in the third.

Houston Texans (4-6)
Season Point Differential: +5

In a 31-21 win over Arizona, Tom Savage went 22 for 32 for 230 yards, two touchdown passes and one interception. Back D'Onta Foreman had two rushing touchdowns on the day, wrapping up the contest with 65 yards on ten carries, while DeAndre Hopkins finished the outing with 76 yards and one end zone visit on only four receptions. And the Texans' D totally stifled any and all attempts by the Cardinals to run the ball; at the final horn, Houston held Arizona to a meager 48 yards on the ground.

New York Jets (4-6)
Season Point Differential: -21

The Jets were grounded for a bye last week, but they're back in action this Sunday for an afternoon tilt with the Panthers. In case you're wondering (and I know you're not, but just play along like you give a shit), the Jets are averaging 306.9 yards a game, giving them the League's 25th ranked offense heading into week 12. Defensively, they're doing slightly better - allowing 346.9 yards a game, their D is currently ranked 21st in the NFL.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-6)
Season Point Differential: -25

In an all Florida showcase, the Bucs outlasted the Fins 30-20 over the weekend. Tampa Bay is now 2-0 with Ryan Fitzpatrick under center - during last Sunday's game, he went 22 for 37 for 275 yards and two touchdown passes. So, uh, does that mean we officially have a quarterback controversy on our hands down there in Tampa?

Washington Redskins (4-6)
Season Point Differential: -28

There are heartbreaking losses, and then there are "holy shit, did we really just give up a 15-point lead in the final six minutes of the ballgame?" Well, that's a misery not a whole lot of us have experienced, but it's one the Washington Redskins certainly know firsthand following their 34-31 overtime loss to the Saints. At least Kirk Cousins can take some solace in posting some pretty good stats - going 22 for 32, he finished the game with 322 yards and three TD passes.

Cincinnati Bengals (4-6)
Season Point Differential: -30

The Bengals just narrowly held onto a 20-17 win against the Broncos, but hey - a victory is still a victory, no matter how small the margin. Anyhoo, Andy Dalton had one of his better performances of the year, going 15 for 25 for 154 yards and three touchdown passes against arguably the League's best overall defense. Even weirder, the Bengals not only won the game even though the accumulated substantially less rushing and passing yards than the Broncos, they even won despite two costly fumbles.

Oakland Raiders (4-6)
Season Point Differential: -46

Well, after getting their asses kicked 33-8 by the Patriots down Mexico way, the Raiders are pretty much all but eliminated from playoffs contention (barring an absolutely miraculous late season run, but let's get real - that shit ain't happening.) Derek Carr had a just sorta alright game (28 for 49 for 237 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT split), while Marshawn Lynch finished the game with 67 yards on 11 carries. And, as always, if you ever get a hankerin' to relive the misery as it happened, you can check out our LIVE play-by-play coverage from the event anytime you want right here.

You know the best thing about this video? It could come from any year since 1999.


Arizona Cardinals (4-6)
Season Point Differential: -78

The Cards couldn't get their run game goin' against Houston in Sunday's 31-21 defeat. In fact, Adrian Peterson could only muster a paltry 26 yards on 14 carries, and THE BLAINE GABBERT hardly performed any better playing quarterback. Sure, he did finish the game with 257 yards and three touchdown passes, but he also racked up two interceptions, a fumble, and ate two sacks for negative 13 yards - not exactly stats you'd consider jumping out of your seat over. Jumping off a bridge, though ... 

Miami Dolphins (4-6)
Season Point Differential: -97

The Dolphins continue to flounder, falling 30-20 to Tampa Bay Sunday. Jay Cutler (six for 13, 83 yards, one TD) wound up getting the bench treatment after lobbing three picks. Backup Matt Moore, however, played significantly better, wrapping up the game 17 for 28 for 282 yards and one touchdown pass. Oddly enough, Miami outyarded Tampa Bay running and throwing the ball, but alas, when you commit five turnovers and your opponent has zero, I reckon all the yardage in the world won't pull a W out of thin air, will it?

Chicago Bears (3-7)
Season Point Differential: -47

In a narrow 27-24 loss to Detroit, Chicago definitely beat the Lions on the ground. Jordan Howard's 125 rushing yards eclipsed Detroit's total rushing production by more than 50 yards, and at the final horn the Bears outpaced Detroit by a 222-to-65 rushing yardage differential. Still, Mitch "The Bitch" Trubisky is struggling - he wrapped up the game 18 for 30 for 179 yards, no touchdown throws and one interception on the day.

Denver Broncos (3-7)
Season Point Differential: -76

The Broncos continue to spiral down the commode, dropping last Sunday's game against Cincinnati 20-17. Despite outyarding the Bengals in the air 254 to 154 and on the ground 112 to 49, Brock Os and pals just couldn't seem to sniff their way into enemy end zone; alas, will the Broncos' fortunes improve when they start Paxton Lynch against the Raiders this Sunday, or will their six game losing streak hit (un)lucky number seven?

Indianapolis Colts (3-7)
Season Point Differential: -101

The Colts had a bye over the weekend and return this Sunday for an intra-AFC South scrap with the Titans. Posting 300.8 yards a game, Indianapolis possesses the League's 28th ranked offense heading into week 12; defensively, they fare even worse - allowing 395.8 yards a contest, their D is ranked 30th overall.

New York Giants (2-8)
Season Point Differential: -85

Believe it or not, the lowly, lowly G-Men managed to best the Chiefs 12-9 last Sunday. As fate would have it, Orleans Darkwa's lone rushing TD was the difference maker, as he finished the game with 74 yards on 20 carries. And not that it's a surprise or anything, but Eli Manning didn't exactly set the world on fire with his stats, despite the W - he wrapped up the contest 19 for 35 for 205 yards, no touchdowns and no interceptions.

San Francisco 49ers (1-9)
Season Point Differential: -86

After a bye, San Fran hosts Seattle this Sunday for a pivotal - well, not really - NFC West showdown. Averaging 325.9 yards a game, the Niners have the League's 22nd ranked offense. And if you think that's lackluster, you ought to take a gander at the defense; allowing opponents an average of 379.8 yards a game, their D ranks 27th in the NFL.

Cleveland Browns (0-10)
Season Point Differential: -109

If it's any consolation - and no, it really isn't - at least the Browns kept it somewhat close in their 19-7 loss to the Jaguars. To be fair, their defense DID hold Blake Bortles to just 154 yards, although their defense also let Leonard Fournette run circles around 'em for 111 yards on the day. Needless to say, there are a LOT of broken pieces this team needs to fix before they can be competitive - hell, if they keep stinkin' it up like this, they might as well give 'em TWO number one draft picks come next spring (that, or the League's gonna have to start spotting Cleveland 10 free points each game, just so the other teams will be quasi-inspired.) 


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