Sunday, November 5, 2017

LIVE(ish) Play-By-Play from Week 9's Raiders vs. Dolphins Game!

This Week's Episode:
"Win or just fuck it, really."

By: Jimbo X

It's that time of year again, folks! As is the tradition here at The Internet Is In America, we're going to do our damnedest to give you LIVE play-by-play coverage of every single Oakland Raiders game of the season, including tonight's road game against Miami. Join us LIVE on Sunday, Nov. 5 for our patented possession-by-possession coverage of week 9's Raiders vs. Dolphins game, with the festivities beginning at 8 p.m. Eastern time. There'll be updates every commercial break, so be sure to bookmark this shit prior to kickoff. And, as always, do us and yourselves a kindness and let all your fellow Raiders fans know what we're up to by posting links to our coverage on your social media pages. Hey, we're all in this together, remember (#SilverAndBlackLivesMatter)

5:48 PM - Alright, you fucks, I'm back after taking week 8 off. As we all know, the Raiders are 3-5 on the season and if they don't win tonight's game against the Dolphins, their season is going to be deader the chances of a Tom Petty world tour. 

5:51 PM - The kickoff is right around 8:30 p.m. I'll be back in an hour or so with the relevant, precursory stats.

6:24 PM - For the Raiders, cornerbacks Gareon Conly and David Amerson are both scratchs. Linebackers Marquel Lee and Nicholas Morrow, as well as fullback Jamize Olawale, will all be gametime decisions.

6:25 PM - For the Dolphins, Jay Cutler, receiver Dante Parker, guard Jermon Bushrod and defensive ends William Haynes and Andre Branch are all listed as questionable. Obviously, the Fins will be without top rusher Jay Ajayi, who was traded to the Eagles earlier this week. That means the Dolphins will likely rely upon Damien Williams and Perry Senorise to carry the run game.

6:28 PM - Here's the key offensive and defensive stats for each team:

6:29 PM - Vegas has the Raiders listed as a -3.5 favorite. The over/under is set at 44.5

6:33 PM - ESPN's Football Power Index gives the Raiders a 52.6 percent chance to win tonight's game. For what it's worth, the Raiders have been absolutely terrible against the spread, so last second gamblers - take heed.

8:30 PM - Patterson is going to return the opening kick for Oakland.

8:31 PM - It goes through the end zone, so the Raiders will take over at their own 25.

8:31 PM - Marshawn Lynch is back from suspension, by the way. First down coming up.

8:31 PM - And Lynch gets hit behind the line for a one yard loss.

8:32 PM - Lynch picks up a pass for maybe a yard.

8:32 PM - Third and nine. And Cook hauls it in to move the chains.

8:33 PM - That was a 35-yard gain.

8:36 PM - Raiders have a second and nine at the MIA 30. And Cook hauls it in to move the sticks once more.

8:37 PM - Lynch is hit well behind the line. Flags are down. False start against the offense pushes the Raiders back five yards.

8:39 PM - Third and 14. Carr has to throw it away under pressure. 

8:40 PM - Here comes Giorgio for a 36-yard field goal. It's right down the middle. The Raiders take an early 3-0 lead.

8:43 PM - Flags are down on the Dolphins' return. It's holding against Miami.

8:44 PM - The back gets gobbled up behind the line on first down.

8:44 PM - The receiver gets about five on a short pass from Cutler.

8:45 PM - Third and five. Parker gets enough to move the chains.

8:45 PM - Jarvis Landry with a nine yard pick-up. That might be a first down - yep, it is.

8:46 PM - Williams hit right at the line on the first down run.

8:47 PM - Williams with maybe a yard or two on the run.

8:47 PM - Third and six. Landry picks up enough to move the chains, but flags are down. 

8:48 PM - Illegal formation call against Miami. That makes it third and 11.

8:48 PM - Williams gets a yard, maybe. Then Miami gets hit by a holding penalty - the Raiders decline and it's fourth down.

8:49 PM - The ball rolls out around the OAK 30. A flag is down. 

8:50 PM - It's holding against the Raiders. That pushes them back ten yards.

8:53 PM - Crabtree gets enough for a new set of downs on the first first down pass.

8:53 PM - Washington gets a few yards, but not many.

8:54 PM - Second and nine. Amari Cooper falls down before he can reel it in.

8:55 PM - Third and nine. Raiders call a timeout. There's about a minute and a half left in the first quarter.

8:58 PM - Alright. Still third and nine. At the OAK 30. Flags are down. The throw is incomplete. 

8:58 PM - Miami was offsides. That makes it three and four. 

8:59 PM - Cooper can't hold on to it. Here comes Marquette to punt.

9:02 PM - Dolphins take over around their own 20.

9:03 PM - Second and 7. Looks like the receiver went down a yard shy of the first down marker.

9:03 PM - Third and one. And that'll be it for the first quarter.

9:08 PM- Edwards hit with an unnecessary roughness penalty.

9:08 PM - That gives Miami 26 free yards, after the initial pickup. 

9:09 PM - HOLDING AGAINST MIAMI. It's first and 20. 

9:10 PM - Second and 11. The back goes down about eight or seven yards shy.

9:10 PM - Third and six. Parker rolls to the OAK 22.

9:10 PM - Cutler is seven for seven passing. Williams goes nowhere on the first down run.

9:11 PM - Second and 10. Williams takes the reception about ten yards.

9:12 PM - First and goal. And Williams leaps for the touchdown.

9:13 PM - Well, at least the extra point was no good. It's Miami leading it, 6-3.

9:15 PM - Dolphins go for an onside kick. And the fuckin' Miami kicker recovers it.

9:16 PM - Miami has it at their own 48. The back runs for no gain.

9:17 PM - Thomas has enough to move the chains. An 11-yard gain.

9:18 PM - Well, not quite. It's actually second and one.

9:18 PM - The fullback appears to have enough to move the sticks.

9:19 PM - Cutler is now 10 for 10 passing. That's the longest such streak of his career.

9:20 PM - Thomas takes it to the OAK 25. A 15-yard gain.

9:20 PM - Oh shit, the ball comes loose. THE RAIDERS RECOVER. Credit Bruce Irvin for stripping the ball from the carrier.

9:23 PM - Raiders take over at their own 19. Cook is wide open - he takes it to the OAK 46.

9:24 PM - Crabtree with 11 on a pitch and catch.

9:24 PM - Flags down. There's an uneccesary roughness call against Lee Smith. Holy shit, he literally went over to the referee and said "I was just playing around."

9:25 PM - Marshawn runs for a yard or two. FLAG!

9:25 PM - Illegal motion call against Oakland.

9:26 PM - First and 15. Marshawn for, I don't know four or five. FLAG AGAIN. Holding against Jared Cook.

9:26 PM - First and 25. Cook hauls it in for 12 yards.

9:27 PM - Second and 14. Washington rumbles like a motherfucker for 11.

9:28 PM - Third and three. And Lynch runs for a new set of downs.

9:29 PM - TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS! Johnny Holton with a 44-yard BOMB from Derek Carr!

9:30 PM - Fun fact: Holton only has two catches on the season. And they're both touchdowns - the first one was for 64 yards. 

9:31 PM - The kick is good. Oakland regains the lead, 10-6.

9:33 PM - Williams with about a two yard gain on the catch.

9:34 PM - Oh shit, Chris Collinsworth just reminded everybody that "freedom of speech" only applies to government restriction and don't mean shit when an employer tells his employees to can it. 

9:35 PM - Third and four. Offsides on the Raiders. That gives the Dolphins an automatic first down.

9:35 PM - And there's the two minute warning.

9:38 PM - Williams with a five yard gain, maybe.

9:39 PM - Second and five. Flags out. Personal foul against Oakland. Have 15 free yards, Fins.

9:40 PM - That was Joseph fucking up, by the way. 1:31 left in the second.

9:40 PM - Third down coming up. Cutler's pass gets batted down.

9:41 PM - Dolphins go for a 49-yard field goal. It's good. That narrows Oakland's lead down to 10-9. The Raiders get it back with 32 seconds left in the half.

9:43 PM - Patterson goes down at the 24 yard line. Twenty-eight seconds left.

9:44 PM - Cooper gets 26 yards on the catch. Raiders take a timeout.

9:44 PM - The ball almost gets intercepted.

9:45 PM - Second and 10. Thirteen seconds on the clock.

9:46 PM - The long shot to Cooper downfield is no dice. Six seconds left on the clock.

9:47 PM - Cook takes it into Miami territory. The Raiders call a timeout with one second left.

9:48 PM - Here comes Giorgio. It's a 53-yard attempt.

9:48 PM - Dolphins call a timeout.

9:48 PM - The kick is GOOD. And the Raiders extend their lead to 13-9 heading into halftime.

9:49 PM - Alright, time to walk a puppy. See you back here in about 20, kids.

10:02 PM - The Dolphins take a touchback. The field is all hazy from the halftime fireworks. It's not quite as bad as the Pats/Falcons game from a few weeks back, but it is pretty wonky looking.


10:03 PM - Julius Thomas can't hold on to the ball.

10:03 PM - Williams gets eight or nine. But it goes back thanks to a holding call.

10:04 PM - Second and 20. Flags are down. It's a false start call against Miami.

10:05 PM - Now it's second and 25. Drake gets a few. 

10:05 PM - Third and 21. Thomas hauls it in, but it's nowhere near enough to move the sticks. Miami has to punt.

10:06 PM - Richard goes down around the 30.

10:09 PM - Marshawn wrestles for about three or four yards.

10:10 PM - Second and seven. And Lynch runs for more than enough to move the chains - a 14-yard run.

10:11 PM - Cooper takes it to the MIA 30. A 20-yard gain.

10:11 PM - Richard with about a yard on the run.

10:12 PM - Second and seven. Lynch bumped out of bounds about a yard shy of the first down marker.


10:14 PM - Giorgio's kick is good. And that makes it 20-9, Raiders.

10:17 PM - Dolphins take over at their own 25. Damn it, they switched away from the Madden Cam.

10:18 PM - First and ten. Here comes the blitz, so Cutler just throws it away.

10:18 PM - Second and ten. Drake runs all the way down to the OAK 23. A 42-yard run.

10:19 PM - Landry runs for about five before stepping out of bounds.

10:20 PM - Stills pushes it inside the OAK 10. 

10:20 PM - The tight end gets two yards.

10:21 PM - And Jarvis Landry reels it in for a touchdown.

10:22 PM - The PAT is good. That makes it 20-16, Raiders.

10:25 PM - Patterson gets dropped around the OAK 32.

10:25 PM - It's incomplete to Cook.

10:26 PM - Cooper gets about six or seven on the catch.

10:27 PM - Third and four. Roberts gets hit at the line. Time to punt.

10:28 PM - The Dolphins fair catch it at their own 18.

10:31 PM - Drake stopped at the line of scrimmage. 

10:31 PM - Landry is hit immediately at the MIA 21.

10:31 PM - Third and seven. Cutler's pass is incomplete. Miami must punt.

10:32 PM - Richard takes it to the OAK 38.

10:33 PM - Richard with a minimal gain.

10:34 PM - Second and eight. Richard makes it to the OAK 44.

10:35 PM - Third and four coming up. Jared Cook hauls it in to move the sticks.

10:35 PM - Richard runs for maybe four, five.

10:36 PM - Second and five. Richard can't get beyodn the line of scrimmage.

10:37 PM - Third and five. And that's the end of the quarter.

10:40 PM - Still third and five. Cooper catches it in traffic to move the chains.

10:40 PM - Lynch runs for about eight.

10:41 PM - Second and two. Richard gets hit behind the line.

10:41 PM - Third and four. Dropped by Roberts, but there is a flag down.

10:42 PM - Holding against Oakland.

10:42 PM - It's fourth and four. Looks like the Raiders are going for it?

10:43 PM - Never mind. The Dolphins accept the penalty to make it third and 14 instead.

10:44 PM - Derek Call gets the ball slapped out of his hand, Marshall Newhouse recovers, but then he falls down and fumbles the ball again and the Dolphins recover. Fuck this shitty fuckin' team, right in their fuckin' asshole.

10:47 PM - Suh is headed to the locker room. And Williams runs down to the OAK 20. But LOL, it gets called back on an offensive holding penalty.

10:48 PM - First and 12. The back gets two, maybe.

10:49 PM - Second and 10. Cutler almost sacked and his pass is incomplete.

10:50 PM - Suh is coming back into the game, it appears. Third and 10.

10:50 PM - Stills is about five, perhaps six yards shy of the marker. Fourth down for Miami. They've got to punt.

10:51 PM - TJ Carrie fair catches it at the 10.

10:53 PM - A two yard gain for Washington.

10:54 PM - Second and eight. It's incomplete to Amari.

10:55 PM - Third down coming up. The Raiders call a timeout.

10:56 PM - Third and eight with 9:47 left in the fourth. This time Crabtree drops the pass.

10:57 PM - Raiders must punt. The Dolphins down the ball around their own 40.

10:58 PM - Flag is down. It's offensive holding, so the Dolphisn go back ten.

10:59 PM - First and 20. Cutler overthrows his man on the deep pass.

11:00 PM - A player in teal is injured. Second and 20. CUTLER IS SACKED!

11:01 PM - Third and 22. Williams is nowhere close to moving the sticks.

11:02 PM - Richard fair catches it around the OAK 10.

11:05 PM - Lynch runs for two yards.

11:06 PM - Crabtree hauls it in to move the chains.

11:06 PM - Lynch goes nowhere running a no huddle.

11:07 PM - Second and 12. Cook gets about six on the catch.

11:07 PM - Third and five. The Raiders call a timeout.

11:09 PM - Seth Roberts is WIDE OPEN. That is a huge gain. But a flag is down.

11:10 PM - It's a 29-yard gain. Plus an extra 15 yards due to a Miami personal foul.

11:10 PM - The pass to Crabtree is no good. Flags are down. Pass interference against the Dolphins.

11:10 PM - First and goal from the three yard line. AND LYNCH BULLDOZES HIS WAY INTO THE END ZONE.

11:11 PM - The PAT is good. Raiders lead it 27-16 with less than five minutes remaining in the quarter.

11:15 PM - Third and one. Thomas hauls in the pass to move the chains.

11:17 PM - Second and five. It's a bad snap, and Cutler just falls on it. The Dolphins take a timeout.

11:18 PM - Third and nine. The pass is low and incomplete.

11:19 PM - Fourth and nine. Miami is going for it. Thomas hauls it in. But there is a flag down.

11:19 PM - Yep, it's holding against the Dolphins. Fourth and 19 now.

11:20 PM - And Cutler just throws it away under pressure. Raiders take it over on downs.

11:21 PM - Oakland has it at midfield. Lynch goes down around the line of scrimmage.

11:22 PM - Dolphins take a timeout. The Madden Cam is back. Lynch goes nowhere.

11:23 PM - The ball is intercepted. And there's the two minute warning.

11:25 PM - 1:50 left in the game. Miami is backed up around their own 10. Still gets enough to move the chains. Then Bruce Irvin gets hit with a roughing the passer call.

11:26 PM - Dolphins at midfield. That's another first for the Fins.

11:26 PM - Parker makes a one-handed catch, but it's out of bounds. 

11:27 PM - Alright, the last play is under review.

11:29 PM - The call is overturned. The Dolphins now have it at the OAK 10 with a minute and a half left. 

11:30 PM - And Thomas hauls in the touchdown pass. Miami is going for two.

11:30 PM - Miami takes their final timeout.

11:31 PM - Drake barrels his way in to make it 27-24 Oakland. We've got an onside kick coming up.

11:32 PM - The Raiders take their final timeout.

11:33 PM - Amari Cooper recovers the onside kick.

11:34 PM - Derek Carr takes a knee. Yep. this'll be the ball game.

11:36 PM - And there's the final knee. Our final score from south Florida? The Raiders win a must-win game, 27-24, and improve to 4-5 on the season. They've got a bye next week, and then? It's time to go Mexico City way for a clash against El Patriotos

11:36 PM - All I can say is ... I love football? With a passion?


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