Friday, November 3, 2017

Your Guide to the 2017 Atlanta Mayoral Race

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution and Creative Loafing can eat shit - this is the ONLY field guide to the 2017 Atlanta mayoral race than ANY informed voter needs to take a gander at.

By: Jimbo X

Well, it's over guys. After seven beautiful, brilliant and unquestionably moving years as Atlanta's mayor, our beloved Kasim Reed is indeed resigning from his post. Now, some have suggested that his step down from power was because he thought Hillary Clinton was going to get elected and give him a cushy cabinet position and the whole deal has been in the works for easily a year or two now, anyway. But that, as we all know, is pure and utter bullshit, not because I have empirical evidence that it's untrue, but because it doesn't gel with my own identity politics biases and that's close enough to "objectively false" any damn way. (And yes, I know he's limited to just terms, you autistic sticks in the mud.)

You know, it's hard to think of just one memorable Kasim Reed moment. There was that time he got mad at Black Lives Matter protesters for blocking I-75 traffic, which culminated with him saying you never saw Martin Luther King obstructing Spaghetti Junction and they all ought to be ashamed of themselves. Then there's all the times he used police escorts to clear traffic when he was making runs to Publix and Burger King. Or that time he took $90,000 out of the city's coffers to visit South Africa, just because he could. But in an illustrious tenure filled to the brim with exciting bribery scandals and even more failing schools than we once thought possible and the occasional homeless crackhead setting highways on fire, there's certainly more than enough room for Reed's successor to carry on his proud, noble work as commander-in-chief of this, the city too busy to hate (or fix its sewer system, for that matter.)

Next Tuesday Atlanta's going to hold its first rounds of votin' for the city's next mayor. Indeed, this may be the first time Atlanta's had a non-black mayor since 1974, and perhaps the first time it's had a white female mayor ever. Considering there are no less than nine different candidates on the ballot, that means its almost a guarantee that no one contender is going to get a 50 percent-plus share of the vote, which in turn promises us at least one runoff later this year. Now, you could turn to some local shit rag like the AJC (owned by a family whose political values are "we're rich and white as fuck and hate police and the military") or, sigh, Creative Loafing, whose gritty, flimsy paper stock doesn't even make it suitable as emergency T.P., or you could let old Jimbo - who's pretty much lived his whole life in and around Atlanta - give you the real lowdown on all these folks with mayoral aspirations.

Below you'll find a quick write-up letting you know everything you need to know about the nine people bidding to be Atlanta's next mayor, including why they're kinda' famous, the most disastrous political fuck-up they've committed to date, all the campaign promises they're destined to break as soon as they enter office and a succinct, pithy one-liner why you shouldn't vote for any of 'em early next week. Oh, and I also took it upon myself to drum up some hypothetical campaign slogans for these pricks and prickettes - maybe if you fucks woulda' hired me as a campaign consultant, you'd be polling out of the single digits by now.

What do you mean he's racist? Don't you see how well he treats his pickaninnies?

Peter Aman
"Don't vote for a man ... vote for AMAN."

Biggest Claim To Fame: He was the city's chief operating officer for like, two years.

Biggest Scandal To Date: He's spent most of his career working for Bain & Company. Yep, that Bain & Company.

General Policy Overview: "We have got to find a way to get all those coloreds out of downtown so we can pave the Bluff into a parking lot for the new Amazon headquarters."

Why You Probably Shouldn't Vote For This Candidate: He's a fat white guy who thinks fruity electronic bicycles are the solution to Atlanta's traffic woes.

If elected, she promises to be quieter in movie theaters.

Keisha Lance Bottoms
"Hillary Clinton ...  now in black."

Biggest Claim To Fame: She's been a member of the Atlanta City Council for eight years.

Biggest Scandal To Date: She authored an ordinance that banned panhandlers from begging for money within 15 feet of any building entrance or exit in town ... complete with a 90 day jail sentence for repeat offenders.

General Policy Overview: "I'm a proud black woman who can't wait to sell out my proud, Nubian brothers and sisters to rich, white land developers from out of state."

Why You Probably Shouldn't Vote For This Candidate: Simple - Kasim Reed gave her his seal of approval.

A man so white, he makes Shaun King look like Wesley Snipes by comparison.
John Eaves
"No for real, I'm black ... it's just the lighting."

Biggest Claim To Fame: He's the former chair of the Fulton County Commission (and also, the lightest-skinned black dude who has ever lived.)

Biggest Scandal To Date: He took bribes from county contractors to go on "youth leadership" trips to China, Turkey, Brazil, South Africa and Germany.

General Policy Overview: "I'm going to help fight homelessness and economic disparities ... LOL, J/K, I'm going to try and get as many contractor kickbacks as I can." 

Why You Probably Shouldn't Vote For This Candidate: If this guy doesn't give a fuck how shitty his own campaign website looks, just imagine the effort he'd put into revitalizing the west side of town.

You know, for people who are allegedly destitute, they sure aren't hurtin' for meals, it appears ...

Vincent Fort
"May the Fort be with you." (no, for fucking real)

Biggest Claim To Fame: He's been a state senator for 20 fuckin' years and has spent the better part of the decade playing the Nas to Kasim Reed's Jay-Z.

Biggest Scandal To Date: He once compared Kasim Reed to Bull Connortried to convince voters a Democratic opponent in 2010 was secretly a Republican spy and he's a damn Yankee.

General Policy Overview: "It's time we gave the same inept bureaucracies responsible for the Atlanta Street Car more power over local private enterprise."

Why You Probably Shouldn't Vote For This Candidate: He's endorsed by both communist LARPER Bernie Sanders and ex-Georgia Gov. Roy Barnes, who spent half his stint in office trying to change the state flag instead of effectively managing the economy, combating drug trafficking, solving the metro-area's transportation woes, etc ... 

"There you go, Holmes. I know you'd probably prefer having a cure for AIDS and me arresting the people who set your cardboard tent on fire, but all I can get for you right now are these oranges."

Kwanza Hall
"Kwanza comes early this year ... and maybe yo' wife, too, if I get my hands on her." 

Biggest Claim To Fame: He was on the city's board of education for a few years and he's been a city councilor since 2005. 

Biggest Scandal To Date: He was instrumental in bringing the Beltline to town - i.e., that utterly worthless bicycle trail that was supposed to bring affordable housing to Atlanta, but so far has done nothing but push more poor people into the exurbs.

General Policy Overview: "We need better policing to keep heroin dealers and gangbangers off the street, but we also need the middle class to pay for their free tuition at Clark Atlanta as part of my proposed From The Streets to the HBC's initative." 

Why You Probably Shouldn't Vote For This Candidate: He wants to decriminalize marijuana, he thinks global warming is "suspicious" and he probably stole half a million from his city council campaign war chest.

Well, he certainly wins the award for thiccest candidate, that's for sure.

Ceasar Mitchell
"Hey hey hey, it's Fat Albert Ceasar Mitchell!"

Biggest Claim To Fame: He was the president of the Atlanta City Council for seven years, which is kinda' like being the back-up mayor. He was also the chair of the city's Public Safety Committee, which - judging from his impressive waistline - probably had a LOT of free candy at meetings. 

Biggest Scandal To Date: He's committed so many ethic violations that Kasim Reed took out billboards listing all of 'em ... right across the street from Mitchell's own office.

General Policy Overview: "I will do everything in my power to shine a light on the horrible systemic racial injustices of our city - you know, like our city council that has a grand total of one white guy on it and a pronounced statistical overrepresentation of black women."

Why You Probably Shouldn't Vote For This Candidate: He's too busy ordering campaigners to steal his political opponents' yard signs to effectively micro-manage Atlanta's $363 billion economy.

You know a great way to connect with working-class voters? A campaign ad that explicitly reiterates your candidate is so rich, she can keep buying as many designer high heels as she wants.

Mary Norwood
"Come on ... you know you want me to be your Dolores Umbridge."

Biggest Claim To Fame: She's been a city councilor since 2001 and almost beat Kasim Reed in the 2009 mayoral elections.

Biggest Scandal To Date: She snuck into a fundraiser so she could get a photo op with John Lewis and promptly got her ass kicked the fuck out.

General Policy Overview: "I believe in safety, prosperity, sustainability and transparency ... and if we can get those with fewer nig-nogs in town, even better."

Why You Probably Shouldn't Vote For This Candidate: She's a white woman who believes in fiscal austerity and doesn't believe the city's cops disproportionately target blacks - which, of course, is code word for "day of the rope, 1488, all day, every day."

Well, if anybody can relate to the blight of impoverished African American men in Atlanta's most crime-infested neighborhoods, it's definitely an elderly white lesbian who unironically wears Crocs.

Cathy Woolard
"I'm so queer, I shit rainbow-colored Melissa Etheridge silhouettes."

Biggest Claim To Fame: She's been on the city council since 1997 and is the first openly gay elected official in state history - even though we all know Hoke Smith probably sucked at least one or two dicks back in his day.

Biggest Scandal To Date: Her entire campaign is literally being financed by The Homosexual Agenda made flesh.

General Policy Overview: "Golly gee, wouldn't it be great if Atlanta elected its first lesbian mayor, huh guys? Boy, I bet that would show all those BIGOTS outside the perimeter who's boss and probably get us an article in The Huffington Post and a lot of Facebook likes."

Why You Probably Shouldn't Vote For This Candidate: Instead of listing policy stances and details on her economic, transportation and affordable housing stances, her three "most important" reasons for voting for her are all permutations of "because I eat pussy, that's why."

So, uh, isn't voting for a candidate simply because they're gay every bit as supremacist as voting for a candidate simply because they're white? Don't answer that - ever, if you know what's good for you and your livelihood.

Sheesh, what a horrid line-up of would-be mayors, no? All nine of those clods aren't worthy of holding my nutsack while I piss, let alone the highest office in the M.S.A. As a matter of fact, these candidates are all so terrible that I think the only moral thing for residents of Atlanta to do is to write-in an un-nominated mayoral pick. And after careful deliberation, I've decided that there's only one man qualified enough to represent us, the working people of Atlanta and its adjacent communities. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the man who SHOULD be the next mayor of Atlanta ... 

That's right, Curtis Snow, star of the great 2011 "found-footage" faux-documentary (or is it?) Snow on the Bluff. I mean, if there's anybody who ought to be trusted with Atlanta's most pressing social issues - gentrification, opioid addiction, overstressed public infrastructure, failing school systems and rampant city hall corruption - it's a guy who once had his jugular split open with a box cutter and caused a SWAT standoff at his grandfather's funeral.

Indeed, I can't think of a single Atlantan more capable of dealing with the complexities of micro-managing the careful balance between global economics and local community improvement than an ex crack-dealer that a made a movie about himself robbing heroin dealers at gunpoint with military style weapons and committing drive-bys on people simply because he didn't like the color of their hats.

It's a cliche, I know, but Curtis Snow is the savior Atlanta may not want, but he's certainly the political firebrand we deserve. Besides, it's a lot better knowing the mayor IS a convicted felon and con artist before we put 'em in office - which is a reassuring notion you definitely can't say about the nine mainstream candidates on the ballot this Tuesday.


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