Wednesday, December 27, 2017

2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week 16 - HOLIDAY HAIKU EDITION!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X

This Week's Episode:
"俳句, You Motherfuckers!"


Philadelphia Eagles (13-2)
Season Point Differential: +168

Eagles flying high
With home field throughout playoffs
But will Nick Foles choke?

New England Patriots (12-3)
Season Point Differential: +142

With just one more win
The Pats will get first round bye
Tom Brady - M-V-P?

Minnesota Vikings (12-3)
Season Point Differential: +117

Who would've ever thunk
The Vikes would dominate with
Keenum and Murray?

Pittsburgh Steelers (12-3)
Season Point Differential: +94

In the postseason
The Steelers will receive a bye
Before Pats' kick ass? 

Los Angeles Rams (11-4)
Season Point Differential: +170

With great running game,
Rams could be on S.B. run,
But L.A. don't care 

New Orleans Saints (11-4)
Season Point Differential: +129

Saints are playing well,
Both on offense and defense
But those penalties ... 

Carolina Panthers (11-4)
Season Point Differential: +48

It's all on Newton
If Cam plays well? Title game
If not? One and done

Jacksonville Jaguars (10-5)
Season Point Differential: +154

No doubts about the D
But the Jags' O is suspect
Pray for some turnovers

Come on - if he was a REAL Raiders' fan, you know he would've slapped her upside the head with a drumstick and powerbombed her through the table for flapping her gums too damned much.


Baltimore Ravens (9-6)
Season Point Differential: +96

One more victory
And the Ravens are in it
But just for how long?

Kansas City Chiefs (9-6)
Season Point Differential: +73

K.C. won the West
And have home field at least once
Before Reid fucks up

Seattle Seahawks (9-6)
Season Point Differential: +36

Seahawks must beat Cards
And Falcons must lose Sunday
For sixth playoffs spot

Atlanta Falcons (9-6)
Season Point Differential: +26

Win over Panthers,
And Falcons are seeded sixth
... and destined to lose?

Los Angeles Chargers (8-7)
Season Point Differential: +63

The Chargers are in
As long as they win Sunday
And the Titans lose

Dallas Cowboys (8-7)
Season Point Differential: +16

Ezekiel E.
Returns to Cowboys' roster!

Detroit Lions (8-7)
Season Point Differential: +10

No playoffs this year
But give Matt Stafford props
For polishing turds

Tennessee Titans (8-7)
Season Point Differential: -27

Win Sunday, they're in
Or if Chargers, Bills shit bed
Which they likely will

Fun fact: it's considered customary for Bills' fans to slam their others of significance through furniture as sacrifices to the Gods of the Gridiron. And you assholes have the gall to call Southerners "white trash!"


Buffalo Bills (8-7)
Season Point Differential: -63

Bills must win for berth, 
And at least two teams must lose
 Yep, Buffalo's fucked

Washington Redskins (7-8)
Season Point Differential: -38

The big question now
Is if Cousins will return

Green Bay Packers (7-8)
Season Point Differential: -40

No playoffs this year
At least there's one positive:
Rodgers is healthy

Arizona Cardinals (7-8)
Season Point Differential: -68

Time for new Q.B.
Down there in Glendale's desert
Uh, Luke Falk, maybe?

Oakland Raiders (6-9)
Season Point Differential: -52

So many dropped balls
No secondary

Cincinnati Bengals (6-9)
Season Point Differential: -63

The season highlight
Well, what else is new?

Miami Dolphins (6-9)
Season Point Differential: -106

Cutler surprised some
By not totally sucking
Still, cut his old ass

Chicago Bears (5-10)
Season Point Differential: -43

Mitch the Bitch? He sucked
But Jordan Howard looked great
Ten year rebuild now?

If he REALLY wanted to pay tribute to the Browns, he would've immediately fumbled his balls.


New York Jets (5-10)
Season Point Differential: -64

Still a dumpster fire
But things could surely be worse
They might be Giants

San Francisco 49ers (5-10)
Season Point Differential: -73

Don't look now, readers
But they've won four in a row
Next year's Western champs?

Denver Broncos (5-10)
Season Point Differential: -90

The defense is great
But this offense is pure shit
Think Lynch will fix it?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-11)
Season Point Differential: -54

A disappointment
What else can you call this team?
Well, besides "last place"

Houston Texans (4-11)
Season Point Differential: -89

With DeShaun healthy,
They could have won division
Better luck next year?

Indianapolis Colts (3-12)
Season Point Differential: -150

Whisker Biscuit tried
But there's no hope with this squad
No luck without Luck

New York Giants (2-13)
Season Point Differential: -150

The last time New York
Witnessed something this awful
Was 9/11

Cleveland Browns (0-15)
Season Point Differential: -172

Well, they're on the verge
"The Worst Team in History"


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