Sunday, January 28, 2018

This Week in Social Justice Warrior-Dom (Jan. 29, 2018 Edition)

Trigger warning activated! Our biweekly recap of everything that irked, irritated and aggravated SJWs is back with a vengeance!

By: Jimbo X

Twitter engineers admit to practicing racial discrimination ON CAMERA but nobody gives a shit

If you've never heard of it before, Project Veritas is the name of James O'Keefe's ongoing undercover video series, which I suppose could be described as one part WikiLeaks and one part Candid Camera. Among other things, the undercover social media sting operation has uncovered sordid Planned Parenthood doings (including but not limited to the agency illegally selling fetus tissue for profit), rampant Medicaid fraud in six states and footage of CNN employees admitting that they're just making up Russian collusion bullshit to make Donald Trump look bad. Of course, O'Keefe is a hardcore conservative firebrand with an obvious ax to grind against the liberal establishment and all things cultural Marxist, so I suppose it goes without saying that you can't exactly take everything Project Veritas puts out there as objectively reliable. Still, the footage more often than not speaks for itself despite O'Keefe's hardline Republican leanings, and the organization's latest video expose reveals beyond a shadow of a doubt that one of Silicon Valley's heaviest hitters is undeniably practicing racial discrimination writ large.

In addition to catching Twitter engineer Clay Haynes stating that the entire Twitter organizational structure is comprised of hardcore liberals more than happy to turn over President Trump's private messages to the Department of Justice - effectively, revealing preliminary plans for a literal government coup - the Project Veritas leak also includes some rather damning comments from Twitter engineers Pranay Singh and Mihai Alexandru Florea, who - as their names suggest - aren't exactly your garden variety beneficiaries of white privilege.

"Everything you send is stored on my server… So all your sex messages and your, like, dick pics are on my server now," stated Singh, a direct messaging engineer for the social media platform, in one video.“So, what happens is like, you like, write something or post pictures online, they never go away… Because even after you send them, people are like, analyzing them, to see what you are interested in, to see what you are talking about. And they sell that data."

So not only is Twitter keeping a secret dossier on your private messages, they're then turning around and selling your online data - that you thought was private - to advertisers hell-bent on cyber-stalking you at every turn. Hyperbole, you say? Well, considering that's precisely what Twitter software engineer Florea states in one video, I reckon it ain't.

To actually charge the advertisers the money we have to prove it was you, and that’s why [we're] using email addresses, or like a cookie or something that can track you,Florea confessed. “You’re paying for the right to use our website with your data basically.”

Alright, so we have indisputable evidence that one of the most powerful titans in Silicon Valley is a.) trying to directly influence federal politics, including colluding with state actors to bring down democratically elected officials, and b.) quite possibly illegally mining consumer data and selling it to third parties without their consent. Now, those two news items alone ought to send a shiver down our collective spines, but just you wait - we haven't even got to the best part yet.

Project Veritas was able to get no less than eight current and ex-engineers at Twitter to admit - on camera - that the company is practicing ideological censorship in an orchestrated attempt to drown out any opinions antithetical to their own hyper-globalist progressivist Tao. And they're doing so by means of "shadow banning," which more or less represents a form of consumer fraud. 

“One strategy is to shadow ban so you have ultimate control," stated former Twitter employee Abhinov Vadrevu - a man who appears to be a member of a marginalized minority group whose annual household income is only $50,000 more than the aggregate white family in these United States. "The idea of a shadow ban is that you ban someone but they don’t know they’ve been banned, because they keep posting and no one sees their content. So they just think that no one is engaging with their content, when in reality, no one is seeing it.”

Oh, and Twitter is also using automated programs to monitor and remove content. "Every single conversation is going to be rated by a machine and the machine is going to say whether or not it's a positive thing or a negative thing," said engineer Steven Pierre. "It's not going to ban the mindset, it's going to ban, like, a way of talking."

It's a point echoed by Olinda Hassan, Twitter's Trust and Safety Policy Manager. "We're trying to get the shitty people to not show up," she said. "It's a product thing we're working on right now."

Prey tell, who are these "shitty people" the suits at Twitter are so concerned about? Well, as the aforementioned Singh - again, an individual who is most certainly not a Caucasian - puts it, right-leaning white people.
Yeah you look for Trump, or America, and you have like five thousand keywords to describe a redneck," Singh said. "Then you look and parse all the messages, all the pictures, and then you look for stuff that matches that stuff.”
So, yeah, we just heard a high ranking employee for a major technology company use a racial slur to describe how his company is intentionally and systematically discriminating against clients based on the literal color of their skin.

Let me repeat that. An employee for a company with an estimated worth of $2.5 billion and one of the most important communications channels in the world just said his employer is knowingly, willingly and proudly violating the Civil Rights Act of 1964, the Equal Employment Opportunity Opportunity Act of 1972, and most certainly the Civil Rights Act of 1991 - more specifically, Title I (2)(B), which explicitly prohibits all racial discrimination in the "making and enforcement of contracts," which entails, among other things, "the termination of contacts and the enjoyment of all benefits, privileges, terms and conditions of the contractual relationship."

This thing should be an international scandal of absolute shitstorm proportions, but the mainstream media and even D.C.'s legislators - not to mention all of those self-righteous "anti-racism" advocates and activists all over the country - aren't saying a damn thing about Twitter's confessed racial persecution. Of course, if Twitter's engineers had said the same thing about purposefully keeping blacks, or Jews, or homosexuals or any kind of in-group that isn't white off its services, you better goddamn believe their would be outrage on a global level. 

The media makes a mountain out of a shithole

The problem with covering the latest and greatest media backlash against Trump is that, by the time you finally get around to writing about it, nine times out of ten some new made-for-TV brouhaha has emerged and everybody who was livid about the last topic have totally abandoned it to focus all of their ire on the newer topic. Case in point? About a fortnight ago, the liberal masses were fuming over the President's alleged declaration that places like Haiti and Africa are "shit holes" (or "shit houses," depending on whose account you trust) and that he'd strongly prefer the U.S. get more immigrants from Norway than, say, The Democratic Republic of Congo or Gambia. Of course, there is no audio or video recording of the statement, so Dems are pretty much freaking out over the congressional equivalent of high school hearsay. Naturally, the secular progressive vanguard came out in droves to attack the President for his crypto-racist remarks, with five star virtue signalers like Conan O'Brien going as far as to host a telecast from Haiti to prove, unequivocally, that the nation isn't a "shit hole" - even though the slums of Port-Au-Prince are currently inundated with literal doo doo floods every time there's even moderate rainfallOf course, Trump's detractors haven't exactly done a bang up job refuting the Commander in Chief's purported disses, nor have they even mulled the idea - if not objective reality - that Africa and Haiti are indeed locales well-known for corrupt government, horrible infrastructure, incredibly low educational attainment rates, extreme poverty and - yes - substandard sanitation systems, with more than half of all Africans living in cities and villages without any kind of sewage coverage whatsoever, which, definitionally, would make them the text book illustration of a "shit hole." No, the liberal narrative is that Trump doesn't want African or Haitian refugees because they're illiterate, festering with disease and prone to raping infants as a voodoo cure for AIDS, by golly, it's because those people are all BLACK and The Donald just plain hates the P.O.C. Alas, the uproar was short-lived, thanks in no small part to a bigger story - the three-day federal government shutdown, largely revolving around D.A.C.A. - giving the liberals-in-name-only something more topical to piss and moan and get hysterical over (which, naturally, was supplanted by the "bombshell" New York Times report that claims Donald Trump tried to fire Robert Mueller last summer, which every other news outlet in the universe is reporting as la verdad despite the fact said NYT write-up is based on, and this is a direct quote from the Times themselves, "four people told of the matter.")

Meanwhile, in less pressing D.C. matters, Democrats voted unanimously to suppress an internal memo apparently exposing rampant unconstitutional spying conducted by the federal government under the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, which includes allegations that the Obama Administration may have illegally wiretapped Donald Trump associates during his 2016 run after all.

But surely, there's a good reason why the ABCs and CNNs and MSNBCs and New York Timeses and Washington Posts of the world never made a big hubbub about such damning intel, right?

Google A.I. STILL can't tell the difference between black people and gorillas

By now, we all know that Google is a borderline deranged hyper-liberal corporate cult, complete with company dogma demanding white employees feel guilty about it and mandatory lectures from rich lunatics who sexually identify as "yellow-scaled wingless dragonkin." Alas, their artificial intelligence programs - try as they may - just can't shake an inborn racial bias against the black folks. Back in 2015 a software engineer lambasted Google afters its proprietary Photos service tagged a picture of one of his black female friends as a "gorilla." Alas, the company algorithms still kept misidentifying people of the black persuasion as monkeys, apes, chimps and the aberrant orangutan, so Google recently decided to nip the problem in the bud by removing any and all search returns for gorillas in its Photos program. In fact, as one Wired expose found, the program has eliminated ALL results for search terms such as "chimpanzee" and "ape," while a search for "African-American" turned up a lone photo of a grazing gazelle.

Naturally, if Google is willing to remove innocuous photographs of lower primates as a safeguard against offending black people, it's really only a matter of time until they start censoring other things offensive to P.O.C. from their expansive, if not omnipresent, technological reach. A word to the wise, kids: you might want to do your research on "black on white crime" and "interracial rape statistics" while you still can.

The Nation warns its readers about the Alt-Right's latest trickery: using facts

In this day and age, the mainstream media has pretty much posited anybody who doesn't think white, Christian, heterosexual males should be publicly flogged and eventually eliminated from the human gene pool as members of the insidious - albeit absurdly hard to define - "alt-right," which is more or less this society's version of the old Scarlet Letter. Once that horrific label has been applied, good luck shaking it off and convincing any potential employers that you aren't a hardcore Neo-Nazi who wants all black people sent to the moon - indeed, in today's culture, being deemed a murderer or child molester carries less of a stigma.

Enter the clearly unbiased The Nation scribe Khalil Gibran Muhammad, who in a recent op-ed masquerading as objective journalism decided to warn all the "goodwhites" and minorities of America about the newest insidious tactic of the scurrilous "alt-right" menace: citing factual data.

In a meandering screed that applies appeals to emotion towards everything from The Trayvon Martin verdict to the Charlottesville, Virginia protests to the writing of Martin Luther King to Bill Cosby, Muhammad tries to guilt trip readers into believing that people like Ivy League educated, statistically-informed contrarians like Jared Taylor and Charles Murray are the future of white supremacists, not the stereotypical, morbidly obese, Confederate flag waving, sister-fucking, toothless, meth-smoking subhuman scum the media has endlessly posited as the bread and butter of so-called "white nationalism."
"Thus, by focusing their opprobrium on the Nazi next door, white liberals are missing the very real threat posed by a growing white nationalism," Muhammad writes. "These new white supremacists are coming not with Tiki torches but with reasoned arguments, buttressed by facts and figures, to make palatable racist ideas that many people, deep down, have always felt were true."
So, in other words, what Muhammad is saying is that the new vanguard of "white racism," are super-duper dangerous, because now they're extolling objective, irrefutable truth instead of just saying the 'n-word' a lot. And in true liberal fashion, instead of addressing the veracity of their factual claims that speak poorly of minorities, the author ignores those underlying issues altogether and suggests we figuratively shoot the messenger instead.

Today's teens are so stupid you have to tell them to NOT eat Tide Pods

You know, it's been a while since we've had a good, overblown, ridiculously over-reported moral hysteria involving America's gilded-yet-wayward youth, and the latest and greatest to capture our hearts and headlines doesn't involve such touchy topics as sex, drugs, or pouring vodka straight into their eyeballs. No, today's great social pandemic is the stark-raving fear that teens, tweens and elementary schoolers are being hospitalized in droves after doing something called the "Tide Pod Challenge," which apparently involves young 'uns putting the laundry detergent capsules in their mouths and biting them until the corrosive liquids inside pop out. Now, if you were to believe the incessant, raging coverage on ABC, CNN and the rest of the big media monoliths, you'd think that thousands of high schoolers were having their guts incinerated by harsh industrial chemicals day-in, day-out in these United States. Alas, actual data from the American Association of Poison Control Centers suggests that an astonishing 200 teenagers were hospitalized for "exposures to liquid laundry detergent pods," in 2017, with a grand total of zero fatalities - and no serious injuries, for that matter - reported. Sure, that's quite a few retards winding up in the E.R. with mild burns and upset stomachs, but it's hardly enough people to warrant a national crisis. Alas, our modern world being the overprotective clods we are, that hasn't stopped Google from pulling (or at least attempting to pull) all "Tide Pod Challenge" videos from YouTube, supposing that by taking away that appeal to infamy incentive, young, impressionable and frankly mentally underdeveloped children and teenagers won't have a reason to do stupid or dangerous things anymore, which they CERTAINLY never did before the Internet was a thing. Granted, it's quite telling that media Leviathans never address the core reason why kids today are doing such magnificently stupid things as smoking liquor, drinking hand sanitizer and choking one another with bicycle chains for sexual gratification. America, we don't have a Tide Pod problem - what we have is a dumb as dirt youth problem, and with it an even bigger horrible parenting problem

The Pope accuses alleged Chilean rape victims of lying, then gives props to a Dutch abortion activist and says gossiping nuns are worse than mass murdering Maoists

Back in the day, rhetorically asking if the Pope is Catholic was the equivalent of saying "no shit, Sherlock" or "well, duh, Captain Obvious." Alas, considering the peculiarly un-Catholic policy positions of the current head pontiff - which includes the rather questionable edict that atheists can enter into heaven just as long as they vote Democrat - many Catholics are actually questioning whether or not Pope Francis is even a Christian. Well, old Francis didn't do a whole lot to dispel those assertions when he traveled to Chile in mid-January to defend Bishop Juan Barros, a subordinate of the Rev. Fernando Karadima, whom the Vatican deemed guilty of sexually molesting countless young 'uns in 2011. Alas, despite ample evidence suggesting Barros was complicit in Karadima's crimes, the Pope nonetheless stood by him man, declaring the allegations that Barros is a diddler-enabler to be "calumny." Presumably under the impression that publicly supporting a probable pedophile wasn't enough bad press for one week, Francis immediately shifted gears by awarding Dutch politician Lilianne Ploumen the title of "Commander of the Pontifical Equestrian Order of St. Gregory the Great," which is reserved for individuals "in recognition of their personal service to the Holy See and to the Roman Catholic Church, through their unusual labors." And, my what "unusual labors" Ploumen has gone through to support the Roman Catholic Church, seeing as how she started a nonprofit to fund abortions for women who couldn't get government subsidies. If that wasn't enough, Francis wrapped up the week that was by telling a convent of cloistered nuns that gossiping clergy was worse "than the terrorists of Ayacucho" -  a communist guerrilla outfit that killed more than 60,000 Peruvians throughout the 1980s and 1990s.
No, for real - IS the Pope Catholic anymore?

An African-American pioneer: Cleophus Cooksey, Jr.

If there's one thing we here at The Internet Is In America hates, it's undeserved racial stereotypes. For example, there's been a longstanding misconception that there are no noteworthy serial killers of color in these United States, a pseudo-assertion that couldn't be any further from the truth. There's Henry Louis Wallace (responsible for ten rapes and murders in North Carolina in the early 1990s), Carl Eugene Watts (suspected of killing more than 100 women, the bulk of them white, in Michigan and Texas), Chester Turner (suspected of killing more than 100 women over a ten-year span in California), Paul Durousseau (whose seven victims include two pregnant women), Lorenzo Gilyard (a serial prostitute murderer in Kansas City) ... aye, the list doth go on and on. Well, today's black youths hankering for a homicidal role model have a new hero to idolize in the form of one Cleophus Cooksey, Jr., a 35-year-old Arizonian-of-Color who police have charged with no less than nine gun homicides committed over a three-week span last year. As perhaps the first truly multicultural mass murderer of the Trump Administration, Cooksey took great care to diversify his victims, ultimately gunning down two Hispanics, two white guys, three black dudes and one black woman during his 21-day rampage.

Oh, and here's the best part - the cops already knew he was a murderer. In 2001, Cooksey was convicted of manslaughter stemming from an armed robbery gone wrong (as if an armed robbery could ever go right), for which he spent 16 years in the slammer. Which means just months after the convicted killer was freed from prison, he immediately started killing AGAIN. You know, there might be a lesson to be learned here - but good luck getting today's zeitgeist to recognize that, yes, there are indeed many black people in America who DESERVE to be in prison and never released

New CDC report reveals pretty much every Millennial female is on ADHD drugs

When I was in college, I was absolutely flabbergasted by how many students used Adderall, Ritalin and a litany of other "study drugs." Particularly, I was stuck by just how many female students HAD to use the drugs to do such rudimentary things as "sit and read a book for 20 minutes" or "go half an hour writing on the same topic." Well, the CDC recently crunched the numbers and determined that attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) prescriptions filed by women ages 15-44 has increased a whopping 344 percent since 2003. And even more astounding, that rate has exploded by 700 percent for women ages 25-29. Far and away the most popular ADHD "treatment," per the Centers for Disease Control data, is Adderall, which far few too people in the U.S. realize is actually HARD amphetamine that's only a few carbon chains away from being fucking meth. Naturally, physicians are slightly concerned about the affects of ADHD drugs on pregnant women, with some studies already drawing links to Adderall use and infant seizures. But good luck convincing today's women to lay off the (likely taxpayer subsidized) stimulants - if their babies come out looking like the toddler from Eraserhead, I'm sure they'll still find a way to blame "the patriarchy" and not their own pathetic reliance on pharmaceuticals to conduct the most mundane of daily tasks.  

California Attorney General says he'll imprison employers who comply with federal immigration laws

The Golden State - where people with AIDS are allowed to donate blood, politicians are trying to pass laws that would force companies to hand over non-taxable revenue to fund state projects and a new "automatic voter registration" driver's license program is destined to give thousands (millions?) of undocumented immigrants the theoretical ability to illegally participate in federal elections - isn't even trying to mask the fact that it's probably less than ten years' away from becoming a legitimate communist kingdom, if not Northern Venezuela. Helping expedite the transition to third world status is state Attorney General Xavier Becerra (like you need me to tell you his party affiliation), who recently warned California employers that if they comply with ICE officials during a series of planned illegal immigrant stings, he's going to throw the proverbial libro at them. During a Jan. 18 press conference, Becerra said "we will prosecute those who violate our law," referring to AB 450, a state provision that outlaws "providing voluntary consent to an immigration enforcement agent to enter nonpublic areas of a place of labor unless agent provides a judicial warrant, except as specified."

So basically, Becerra is brazenly ignoring the Supremacy Clause of the United States Constitution and boldly, unconstitutionally prioritizing state-level law over federal law ... which, of course, means California liberal will never, ever criticize Alabama and Mississippi for championing "state rights" again, no? Eh ... all I can say is that there's a good fuckin' reason why half of Californians want to secede from their own state.

So fed up with 'racism' in America, scores of black people actually are going back to Africa

Even though the website is called The Internet Is In America, analytics data proves that about 60 percent of our readers hail from outside the United States. As such, I feel it is my authorial duty to explain some of the more unique linguistic quirks of our fine nation and society to those who live in places that aren't called the U.S. of A. Case in point? A popular expression among individuals who do not have much of a fondness for black people here is the phrase "Go back to Africa," which references the fact that most of the native blacks in the country today are descendants of African slaves, predominantly those who got caught up in the Atlantic Slave Trade, and that said country would be better off if said blacks were to return to their continent of origin. Well, apparently, that's stopped being a figure of speech and become welcomed advice in Trump's America, as thousands of black Americans have recently volunteered to return to Africa to escape what they believe is unbearable systemic racism here in the States.

As Al Jazeera reported in a Jan. 18 article, an estimated 3,000 to 5,000 black Americans have voluntarily repatriated to Ghana's capital city recently, among them one Muhammida el-Muhajir, an ex-New Yorker who moved to Accra because she was tired of having to "prove herself" in America. After describing legit billionaires Oprah and Jay-Z as "second class citizens" and openly stating that Ghana still has a pretty big classism problem, el-Muhajir drops this little humdinger of a quote to rationalize her return to the mother continent:
"I don't want people to think that Africa is this magic utopia where all your issues will go away," she said. "It's just that some of the things you might face in America as a black person - you won't have to suffer with those things here. You might not have electricity, but you won't get killed by the police either."

Well, there you have it, folks. White oppression is so bad in America that living in a country where half the populace makes less than $4 a day and only 14 percent of its inhabitants have access to proper sewage systems is objectively better than living in one where even the absolute poorest citizens are guaranteed air conditioning, government-subsidized junk food and free money every time they get knocked up. That is, if el-Muhajir's thesis is even true, considering Ghana's police seem to have the same problem gunning down black teenagers as our boys in blue have in these United States. 

But in case you haven't figured it out now, the rub isn't that black people are getting killed, it's that they're getting killed by white people. Apparently, the black folks are just fine and dandy with the idea of being mortally wounded JUST as long as the person pulling the trigger is the same color they are.

So here's hoping that el-Muhajir and the rest of those new Liberians find all the joy and happiness and freedom in West Africa that they were never afforded here in America. Although, if I were a betting man, I'd roll the dice on them getting nothing but malaria, AIDS and possibly executed because the locals think they're witches instead.

... and a few headlines that speak for themselves ...

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Revisiting the 2001 WWF Royal Rumble!

Fond recollections of quite possibly the greatest Royal Rumble PPV the WWE has ever produced (and that it's the only one featuring Drew Carey, I assure you, is merely a coincidence.)

By: Jimbo X

Overall, I feel that the Attitude Era was vastly overrated. What you had there was sort of an inverted bell curve, where the beginning and ends in 1997 and 2001 were fucking outstanding, but everything in between is just various shades of shit. Go ahead, I dare you to rewatch WrestleMania 14 or the 1999 iteration of SummerSlam and then tell me that stuff still holds up.

In the grand scheme of things, just about everybody can agree that WrestleMania X-7 in 2001 represented the "end" of the Attitude Era. Which I suppose makes that year's Royal Rumble sort of the penultimate gasp of the most lucrative boom period in pro wrestling history, and thus, a significant event very much worth revisiting and deconstructing.

I've written about the inherent greatness of the Royal Rumble format at least twice now, so I'm not going to extol the basic joys of watching fat dudes and guys on steroids pretending to struggle to throw one another over the top rope like discarded potato sacks yet again. Simply put, even on off years the Royal Rumble is usually one of the more entertaining wrestling shows of the year, and even if the rest of the card is crap, the feature attraction very rarely disappoints.

And there's very good reason to at least consider the '01 festivities to be among the best Rumbles ever - if not the absolute best ever. But don't take it from me - how about we pop in this old ass DVD and re-experience the event together?

We open with an overly dramatic sepia tone intro. The announcer keeps talking about wrestlers having their only chance to compete for the world title tonight while split second flashes of The Goodfather, Hardcore Holly and Test pop up onscreen. Boy, talk about instant nostalgia.

We are coming to you LIVE from somewhere in New Orleans. Hey, remember when WWF New York was a thing? Wow, you are old as fuck if you do. 

J.R. and Jerry Lawler are doing commentary duties. The Dudley Boyz are jerking this curtain wide open. They'll be challenging Edge and Christian for the WWF Tag Team titles. Apparently, E&C Pearl Harbored D'Von and Buh-Buh Ray on Raw and Smackdown, so naturally, they HAVE to settle their differences in the ring TONIGHT.

We get some frenzied brawling to begin. Christian eats a double shoulder tackle while Lawler makes jokes about the Dudleys NOT knowing they have concussions. Holy shit, that SO wouldn't fly today. Edge gets tagged in and D'Von power slams him. Christian clubs him on the back of the head when he flies off the ropes. Edge with a suplex. Christian gets tagged in and he hits a Russian leg sweep. Edge chokes D'Von in the corner while the ref is distracted. Edge with a snapmare, then he starts wrenching the arm. Edge applies a sleeperhold. Edge hits a neckbreaker, but he only gets a two count. The crowd, of course, cries for SOMEBODY to break out the wooden furniture. Christian is tagged in. He gets a few stomps in and Edge gets the tag. D'Von slingshots Edge into Christian, who is sitting on the top rope. A double clothesline facilitates our "hot tag" sequence. Of course, the ref doesn't see Buh-Buh get tagged in and E&C bring in some chairs behind the official's back. They go for the Con-CHAIR-To, but D'Von ducks and they smack each other. THEN Buh Buh gets the hot tag and he starts slammin' the shit out of EVERYBODY. D'von headbutts Edge in the testicles and then the Dudleys start hunting for some lumber. Buh-Buh goes for a schoolboy, but Edge kicks out. The Dudleys go for the 3D, but Edge spears Buh-Buh. He only gets a two-count out of it. Then E&C mock the Dudley Boyz' patented headbutt to the balls maneuver, but Buh-Buh counters it so Christian face-balls his own kayfabe brother. This allows the Dudleys to hit the 3D on Christian and, naturally, score the pinfall to win the titles.

Eh, not a fantastic match by any stretch, but for a 10-minute opening attraction, it wasn't too bad. [** 3/4]. Oh, and unlike a certain Wrestling Observer, you'll be happy to know that MY star ratings aren't just arbitrary designations - I've got a rubric and everything, and you can take a nice long gander at it right here.

We watch Drew Carey enter the arena. You'll see why in just a minute. In the back, Triple H - who is so absurdly jacked on 'roids it's hilarious - talks about how much he hates Trish Stratus in front of Stephanie McMahon. And holy shit, Drew Carey walks in and tells Triple H about seeing Kamala at the airport. He plugs his upcoming improv PPV and asks if he can see Vince McMahon. Meanwhile, the A.P.A. drink beer and play cards in the boiler room. Then Crash Holly shows up out of the blue and says he'll throw 'em out of the Rumble even if they are friends. Well, that was awkward.

Time for a video package recapping the Chris Benoit/Chris Jericho rivalry. Their impending Intercontinental title bout will be contested as a ladder match.

The next time a household appliance put a hurtin' this bad on Chris Benoit, BowFlex got a fuck ton of unwanted publicity.

They start tradin' blows as soon as they get into the ring. Jericho with running forearm smashes early and chops and kicks in the corner. Benoit looks for the Crossface and Jericho counters with a Walls of Jericho attempt. Benoit worms his way out and he throws Jericho head first into the ring post. Benoit with a shoulder breaker. Jericho comes off the ropes with another elbow smash. Benoit pulls down the top rope so Jericho crashes and burns on a plancha attempt. Benoit slings Jericho into the metal post and grabs a ladder. Jericho tries to do a baseball slide into the ladder, but Benoit effortlessly rolls out of the way, grabs Jericho and lawn darts him into the metal steps. Benoit situates the ladder in the middle of the ring, and Jericho pursues. He gives him a reverse Electric Chair Drop and starts chopping him in the corners. He picks up the ladder and battering rams Benoit right in the kisser. More Jericho chops. He spears Benoit in the corner with the ladder, then he sets it atop the adjacent ring post. Benoit reverse an Irish whip and sends Jericho into Chekov's ladder teeth first. Then Benoit goes for a plancha but Jericho hits a home run shot with a chair as soon as Benoit comes flying at him. Man, it gets all kinds of eerie when Jim Ross calls the spot "a suicide dive." Jericho drops Benoit gut first over the ringside barrier. Then he pushes the ladder towards the barrier, but Benoit rolls out of the way. Benoit grabs it and smacks Jericho right in the schnoz. 

Then he grabs a chair and slaps him with it a few times. Benoit grabs the ladder and sets it up in the corner. He lawn darts Jericho into it again. He goes for it again, but Jericho slips out and throws Benoit into the ladder face first. Jericho crotches Benoit on the ladder and pulls it down, so both men land on their backs. Lawler makes a joke about the ladder hitting Benoit in the balls so he can't have any more "little Wolverines" in the future. Benoit drop kicks the ladder into Jericho's face. Benoit with a high angle suplex. Jericho reverses an Irish whip and Benoit runs teeth first into the ladder again. Jericho does this AWESOME spot where he puts the ladder over the top rope, then he leapfrogs over the rope and flips the ladder right into Benoit's face. He uses the ladder to land a missile dropkick, and he starts climbing towards the belt. Benoit grabs Jericho and back body drops him over the ropes. Benoit starts climbing towards the championship belt. Jericho gets kicked off, but he climbs right back up and hooks in a modified version of the Walls of Jericho with Benoit's back torquing over the ladder. That's definitely one of my favorite spots from ANY WWF match right there. 

Jericho shucks him off the ladder like a sack of potatoes, but then Benoit kicks the ladder out from underneath him and he crash lands against the ropes. Benoit gets battering rammed again and Jericho sets up the ladder. Benoit locks in the Crossface. Of course, you can't win by submission, so Benoit's just doing it to torture the motherfucker. Benoit runs Jericho into the turnbuckle shoulder first, then Jericho catapults Benoit into the ladder. Jericho pins Benoit between the ring post and the ladder. Jericho gets punched off and Benoit goes for the flying headbutt. Jericho, of course, rolls out of the way at the very last second. Then Jericho pins Benoit underneath the ladder and starts climbing. Benoit flails his arms for a bit and then he shucks the ladder - and Jericho - over the top rope. Benoit starts climbing again and Jericho retrieves another ladder. Jericho smacks him with the metal climbing aide a few times and dumps Benoit over the top rope. Jericho starts climbing for the belt. And he gets it.

I remember thinking that was one of the best matches ever back in the day, and thankfully, age hasn't tarnished this one a bit. In fact, I reckon it's STILL my all-time favorite ladder match and easily one of the absolute best matches of the Attitude Era. This is an absolute must see match, and it's WELL worth going out of your way to watch it. [**** 3/4]

Yeah - this was pretty much her default facial expression from 2005 onward.

Drew Carey is talking to Trish Stratus in the back. Vince McMahon walks in and Drew calls him "the king of PPV." Drew asks him for some advice on promoting his improv PPV. And Vince floats up the idea of putting Drew in the Royal Rumble match. Elsewhere, Chyna and Billy Gunn are bickering about whether or not she's medically able to compete tonight. 

We cut to Michael Cole interviewing Chris Jericho in the back. He calls Benoit a "tough bastard" and says he finally proved his foe wrong. Get it, because that was Benoit's catchphrase for a while?

We get a video package detailing how Chyna had her neck broken by Bull Buchanan, so of course, she wants to take out her frustrations on Ivory. Who is in the Right to Censor, the same group Bull was a part of. 

Goddamn, I forgot how annoying the Right To Censor theme was. It's basically dueling car alarms. And here comes Chyna, wth her giant penis-shaped fireworks shooter. You know, her theme music always confused me. OK, if she doesn't want anybody to treat her like a man or a woman, what DOES she want people to treat her like? Anyhoo, Chyna makes a bee line to Ivory and ragdolls that ho all over the ring. We've got a snapmare off the top rope, elbow shots in the corner, and plenty of mudhole stompin'. Also, LOL at all of these superfluous references to the XFL, which was still a thing when this event happened. Time for some crowd brawling. Chyna gorilla press slams her over the barricade and Jerry asks Chyna to drop Ivory on "her ugly face." Chyna slams Ivory like a sack of flour and then she pulls Stevie Richards into the ring. LOL at Jim Ross making fun of his white socks. Chyna does a handspring elbow smash and then she starts acting like she has a pinched nerve in her neck. Ivory capitalizes on her foe apparently having a stinger and makes an opportunistic pinfall. Lawler climbs in the ring and asks the ref to get the EMTs. For whatever reason, Billy Gunn gets a mild pop when he rushes to her rescue. Here come the paramedics to suit her up for a cervical collar. Of course, it's all set-up for the big WM blowoff bout. As a stand-alone match it was pretty much a glorified squash with a lame, sports-entertainmenty non-finish that only served to whet our appetites for a "revenge" match ... which nobody wanted to see in the first place. [* 1/2]

In the makeup room, Stephanie McMahon and Trish Stratus jaw at each other because Stephanie doesn't like Trish getting close to her man or some shit. Meanwhile, Drew Carey receives his wrestling gear in the back and runs afoul of Kane, whom he calls "a goofy guy in a mask." And speaking of things you haven't thought of in 18 years, there's a great segment where Vince has to tell D'lo Brown and Chaz (yep, of Lo Down fame) that neither one of them will be competing in the Royal Rumble so Drew Carey can take their place.

Let's go to WWF New York, where fans are asked who they think will win tonight's championship bout between Kurt Angle and Triple H. And yep, these people look Pre-9/11-tastic. We cut to the back and Triple H is mean mugging in front of a miror. Time for a video recap of the Triple H/Kurt Angle rivalry. Which, yeah, is mostly about Stephanie being mad that Trish is trying to bone her daddy. Man, this shit really was soap operatic back in the day.

Still a better champion than Roman Reigns, though.

By the way, Kurt Angle has Trish Stratus in his corner for his title defense against Triple H. Trips with a bunch of arm wrenches to begin, and Angle flips around and counters it. He lands a pseudo-amateur wrestling takedown, a hip toss and then he dumps HHH over the top rope. Loud "Angle sucks" chants pop up. Back in the ring, and Angle goes back to wringing the arm. Triple H with a knee to the chest, but Angle counters with a series of snap suplexes. Time for some brawling down the entrance ramp. HHH launches Angle into the barricade several times, then drops him face first on the barrier. Angle eats metal step  then he staggers HHH with a couple of stiff shots before HHH trips him up and twists his foe's ankle with an Indian death lock. Triple H with a dragon screw leg whip. Angle totally whiffs on the enziguri, but HHH sells it anyway. OMG, I can't believe Jim Ross just BURIED Man on the Moon, the Andy Kaufman biopic he and Lawler both starred in. He called it a movie "eight people saw." 

Anyway, Angle dumps HHH to the outside, then he kicks Trips in the face while he tries to slam his leg against the metal ring rope. Angle slams Triple H into the metal steps, then makes him eat canvas. Lawler says something about George W. hanging out with Kurt Angle at his inauguration and then Triple H whacks Angle with a chair while Stephanie distracts the ref. Back in the ring, and Triple H sinks Angle with several chop blocks. Now Triple H is elbow dropping Angle's knee. Triple H locks in what Jim Ross calls "a Native American Death Lock." Triple H hits that jumping knee face buster thing, but he only gets a two count. Trips keeps working Angle's left knee. Huh - who said Attitude Era 'rasslin was devoid of sound psychology? HHH locks in the figure four, but nobody in the crowd screams "Woo" because there were noticeably fewer assholes alive back in 2001. Ross says the figure four puts pressure on seven different pressure points in the human leg. Then Stephanie and Trish start duking it out on the Spanish announce table, and here comes Vince to play peacemaker. Eventually, Vince sacks Trish over his shoulder and simply drags her back to the locker room. Trips goes for the figure four again, but Kurt reverses it into a small package, but he only gets a two count. Angle lands a DDT. Just a two. Kurt hits a Manhattan Drop, then a German suplex. Again, just a two. Kurt with a side Russian leg sweep, then he goes up top. HHH crotches him and hits him with a top rope Razor's Edge. It can only net a two. 

Triple H sets up the Pedigree, but Angle snakes out. Triple H pushes Kurt into the ring ropes, and he falls face first on HHH's balls. Then Angle goes up top and hits a BEAUTIFUL moonsault, but apparently Triple H kinda-sorta-but-not-really got his knees up on the landing. Triple H tosses Angle over the top rope and HHH accidentally clobbers the ref. Angle eats ringpost and Trips throws him back into the ring. HHH goes up top and Angle hits the first top rope Japanese arm drag I've ever seen in my life. HHH throws Angle
into the metal steps again and he squashes ref Earl Hebner in the process. HHH grabs the belt and Angle hits a sweet belly to belly suplex. Angle picks up the strap but Triple H hits him with the pedigree before he can clock him. But of course, there's no ref, so it's all for naught. Trips tries to revive the ref, but here comes Stone Cold to beat the dog shit out of Triple H. He clobbers him with the belt, then Austin tosses the ref back into the ring. You see, Stone Cold is getting revenge for Triple H costing HIM the championship on the 2001 New Year's Day episode of Raw. See, I remember that vividly because I was sick as shit the next day and puked all over the school bus. Anyhoo, Stone Cold hits Triple H with the Stunner and, ever the opportunist, Angle makes the cover on Trips for the W. 

OK, that was WAY better than I remember. The sports-entertainment bullshit was weaved perfectly around the actual matwork, and everything just fucking clicked. Great in-ring action, great booking and a tremendous ending - this is a hell of a little 'rasslin match right here. [****]

Hey, isn't that that Faith No More looking guy from all those ECW shows sitting behind J.R. and The King? In the back, Kevin Kelly interviews The Rock, who says this year's Rumble is like a pot of jumbalaya and insinuates The Undertaker tickles Kane's "big red nipple." He also name drops "Perry Saturn," which yeah, is all kinds of weird, even in context.

Alright, time for the Rumble match itself. And if you don't know how this shit works by now, I just can't help you. For you Johnny-Come-Latelies, Howard Finkel is here to explain the ground rules of the match. Entrant No. 1 is Jeff Hardy, wearing a mesh hairnet for a shirt. Entrant No. 2 is Bull Buchanan. Bull ragdolls Jeff early and Hardy lands a tilt-a-whirl headscissors takedown. Buchanan feigns eliminating Jeff with a gorilla press slam, but Jeff sneaks his way out of the predicament. And entrant No. 3 is ... Matt Hardy. Of course, he and his brother tag team on Bull, hitting all of the usual double team moves before double clotheslining Bull over the top rope. Then Jeff and Matt shake hands and start doing some friendly scuffling. Matt hits Jeff with a back suplex, then Jeff hits him with that sitout jawjacker thingy. Entrant No. 4 is Farooq. You know, Ron Simmons. He double clothelines the Hardys and starts beating the shit out of Matt. Farooq goes for the Dominator, but Matt counters it into the Twist of Fate, then Jeff hits him with a Swanton.

It's either a grainy JPEG of Kane breaking a guitar over the Honkytonk Man's skull or the most abstract Magic Eye painting ever.

They dump Farooq over the top rope, and then Matt tries to cheap shot eliminate his brother. So they take their shirts off, the girls in the crowd cheer and entrant No. 5 - Drew Carey - makes his way down to the ring while wearing a track suit. Jim Ross calls him one of Hollywood's biggest stars, which even THEN was a bold-faced lie. The fans are actually cheering for Drew, and Lawler asks him to do a hurrancanranna and to take his glasses off because he's not a Dudley. Meanwhile, the Hardys accidentally eliminate one another, leaving Drew as the only man left in the ring. And entrant No. 6 is Kane. Lawler creams his pants thinking about all the publicity Entertainment Tonight and the E! Network will give them, while Jim Ross says Drew is "sweating Crisco" and hopes he has good insurance with the Screen Actors Guild (kind of a ballsy thing to say, seeing as how the WWE STILL doesn't give its employees insurance.) 

Kane ALMOST eliminates Drew, but entrant No. 7 - Raven - whacks Kane with a Kendo stick, allowing Drew ample time to eliminate himself from the Rumble. Raven rolls under the ring and hits Kane with a fire extinguisher. He pulls out  metal trash can, but Al Snow comes out and roughs him up a little. Raven clobbers Kane with the trash can lid. Well, apparently Al Snow IS entrant No. 9. There are no less than three garbage cans in the ring now. Al Snow pulls out a bowling ball and rolls it right into Raven's balls. Then Kane kicks Al Snow right in the fuckin' face. Wait a minute, they were a tag team in Smoky Mountain Wrestling - see, somebody remembered. Anyhoo, Snow and Raven take turns hitting Kane with trash cans, then he gets leg tripped face first on to a metal canister. Entrant No. 10 is Perry Saturn, accompanied by Terri Runnels. Man, I forget how jacked the dude used to be. He starts working on Kane as soon as he enters the ring. Kane lands a gorilla press slam on Saturn and Snow smacks Kane with a cookie sheet while Raven puts him in a sleeper hold. 

Entrant No. 11 is Steve Blackman. And of course, he's got a Kendo stick with him. Man, I don't remember this Rumble being so garbage-y. Entrant No. 12 is Grandmastah Sexay, Brian Christopher. He grabs a metal trashcan lid and goes to town on everybody. Fuck, this whole thing just feels like a Saturday night session of Smackdown 2! on the PlayStation. Kane grabs a trash can and eliminates literally EVERYBODY. And entrant No 13 is - the motherfuckin' goddamn Honkytonk Man. He grabs the house mic and he's STILL referring to himself as the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all-time and he starts singing his theme music and then Kane grabs his acoustic guitar and El Kabongs him right out of his shoes and it's fucking fantastic. I'll just say what I said back in 2001 - "he's cool, he's cocky, he's unconscious." And entrant No. - what is it, 14 now? - is The Rock. Wait, Jim Ross says he's No. 13. The Rock gets a quick offensive flurry in, but Kane quickly slams on the brakes and starts stomping the shit out of him. Entrant No. 14 is The Goodfather. No, not The Godfather, the pimp, the reformed pimp brainwashed by Stevie Richards. Anyhoo, The Rock kicks him out of the ring in like, five seconds. So it's back to Kane and The Rock scuffling, complete with Kane hitting him with a huge suplex. The Rock gets his second wind, but Kane stops that with a sidewalk slam. Entrant No. 15 is Tazz. Yep, with two Zs. Kane puts him on the top rope and punches him out of the Rumble in about ten seconds. Fuuuuck. 

LOL at this dude holding a sign that reads "my crap is bigger than Tazz." Which might be closer to a true statement than parody. The Rock desperately tries to eliminate Kane, but he just can't get him off his feet. The Rock hits a Samoan Drop and entrant No. 16 is Bradshaw. He and The Rock double team Kane. And then Bradshaw hits The Rock with a PHAT Lariat. The Rock retaliates with a spinebuster, and Kane drops him with a clothesline. Entrant No. 17 is Albert. He beats up on the Rock, then Kane and Bradshaw start double teaming Al. Bradshaw hits Albert with a clothesline, then he kicks his face off. Entrant, uh, 18, I think, is Hardcore Holly, who gets NO reaction from the crowd. Albert hits the sitout choke bomb on Bradshaw. Holly and Bradshaw tease eliminating the Rock, but he holds on. Albert hits Kane with a scissors kick. The Rock almost eliminates Kane, but he survives. Entrant No. 19 is K-Kwik (aka, Ron Killings, aka R-Truth, aka probably like nine other different names by now) and somehow, he gets an even quieter reaction than Bob Holly. Albert pounds on him in the corner, then The Rock picks up K-Kwik and tries to toss him over the top rope, but he just can't lift him all the way up. Entrant No. 20 is - Val Venis? I totally forgot he was a member of the Right To Censor. Bradshaw spears K-Kwik while Kane chops on Val in the corner. Albert chokes Holly with his boot and The Rock power slams K-Kwik. Entrant No. 21 is William Regal. Hey, remember, when the WWE used to have a European title? How odd, they put it on the only Englishman in the company. Venis eats a spinebuster and Kane hits Regal with a shitty clothesline.

This was what life was like before the Xbox, kids. Be grateful.

Venis feigns eliminating The Rock, but Bradshaw - of all people - saves him from elimination. Now Bob Holly is trying to eliminate the Rock. Entrant No. 22 is Test. Man, I meant to take stock of all the wrestlers on this show who are dead now. Anyway, Regal gets eliminated. Test stomps on his old tag team partner Albert. BTW, Test was the one who dumped Regal. Entrant No. 23 is The Big Show, who had been out of action for quite a few months. He immediately eliminates Test and K-Kwik. He chokeslams Albert, Bradshaw, Venis and Bob Holly. Then he takes down Kane, but The Rock kicks him in the balls so he can clothesline him over the top rope. Entrant No., uh, 25, I think, is Crash Holly. Meanwhile, The Big Show drags The Rock under the bottom rope and chokeslams him through the announcer's desk. Back in the ring, EVERYBODY is ganging up on Kane. Entrant No. 26 (I think) is - rather fortuitously, considering his brother is about to get eliminated - The Undertaker. Yep, the "American Badass" incarnation. Kane and Taker then proceed to eliminate EVERYBODY in the Rumble, then they just circle each other for a bit. Remember: The Rock STILL hasn't been eliminated from the Rumble. And entrant No. 27 is - Scotty 2 Hotty, who makes the most apprehensive face of all-time as he walks down to the ring. Taker and Kane double chokeslam him and toss him over the top. Meanwhile, The Rock is just now climbing his way out of the ringisde wreckage. And Entrant No. - is it 28? - is Stone Cold, who gets a MONSTROUS reaction. Oh shit, but before he can get to the ring, Triple H Pearl Harbors him. This gives The Rock some time to sneak back into the ring, but it's only a matter of time until the "Brothers of Destruction" start double teaming him. Entrant No. 28 is "The One" Billy Gunn, who surprisingly gets a pretty big pop from the audience. Triple H and Stone Cold continue to scuffle on the outside while Taker and Kane gang up on the former "Mr. Ass." The Rock gets his second wind, but the Undertaker plants him with a DDT off the ropes. 

Entrant No. 29 is FUCKING HAKU, whom Ross describes as "one of the baddest animals you'll ever see," and that, I assure you, is a shoot. Austin juices buckets on the outside and Taker and Kane work a number on Meng. And our 30th and final entrant is Rikishi. Stone Cold Pearl Harbors him before he can get to the ring (remember, he ran him over at Survivor Series 1999 or something like that.) Austin eliminates Haku, so we're down to our final six participants. Rikishi gets chokeslammed by Kane, then Rikishi kicks the Undertaker out of the ring and drags the Rock over to the corner so he can drop his big fat ass on him. But the Rock low blows him and tosses him over the top rope. And that makes our final four Austin, Rock, Kane and Billy Gunn. Gunn counters the Stunner and hits Austin with the Fame Asser. But Austin counters the elimination attempt and tosses Billy out of the ring. Austin and the Rock prepare to square off. Austin counters the Rock Bottom and hits the Stunner, complete with the Rock doing his showy, flippy-dippy sell of the maneuver. 

Lou Thesz press on Kane, then he kicks him in the nuts. And there's the Rock with the Rock Bottom on Stone Cold. The Rock tosses Kane through the top and second rope, so he ain't officially eliminated yet. The Rock and Austin continue to trade blows in the ring, and it's AWESOME. Stone Cold almost eliminates the Rock, then the Rock is about to eliminate Austin, then Kane re-enters the fray and dumps The Rock. Stone Cold tries to clothesline The Big Red Machine over the top rope, but Kane catches him at the last second with a chokeslam. Austin with a desperation kick to the balls, which J.R. calls "an XFL-like punt." Kane slips to the outside and grabs a chair. He re-enters the fray, and Austin counters the Tombstone with a Stunner. He grabs the chair and El Kabongs Kane thrice before FINALLY eliminating Kane with a lariat. Man, how cool is that ending foreshadowing the finish of WM-X7? As per tradition, Austin celebrates with a beer bash, and we slowly but steadily fade to black.

Nothing says "pre-9/11 American society" quite like watching the masses cheer an alcoholic skinhead for "eliminating" a black man and a burn victim.

Granted, I haven't seen the last, I don't know, 14 or 15 Rumbles, but as far as I'm concerned that one is the best booked one of 'em all. It had everything - some cool surprises, some great comedy segments, a lot of overlapping stories and one of the best (if not THE best) finishing stretches in the nearly three-decade run of the R.R. I'd easily feel confident giving this one a superb [**** 1/4] rating, which officially gives us three [****] or higher matches on the card.

It's pretty easy to go into shows like this and let the fog of nostalgia taint everything, but this really is a great card from start to finish. The Benoit/Jericho match is quite possibly the best ladder match ever, the HHH/Angle bout is a fun-as-hell forgotten mini-gem and the main event just plain fuckin' delivers. I had a blast taking this three hour trip down memory lane, and much to my jubilant surprise, the actual in-ring product still holds up astonishingly well. Yeah, this may have been "sports entertainment" at its zenith, but we still get some great wrestling to go along with all of the tomfoolery. Amazing how many people forget that aspect of the "good old days," huh?

In some ways, this show is even more entertaining than WrestleMania X-7, which is pretty much the gold standard for WWF/WWE events, even damn near 20 years down the road. Virtually all of the marquee names of the era are involved, to some degree, and if you're a Johnny Come Lately or some damn millennial trying to figure out why everybody's still droning on and on about how much better things were during that mythical "Attitude Era," this is probably the best standalone show to watch to understand why. 

You really can' go that wrong with any old school Rumble, and you sure as hell can't go wrong with this one. If you haven't seen it in a couple of years, it's well worth revisiting, and if for some stupid ass reason you've never seen it before? Buddy, that's a character defect you ought to remedy pronto.