Saturday, June 9, 2018

The Rocktagon Recap of UFC 225: Whittaker vs. Romero 2!

Can't check out tonight's latest and greatest MMA PPV, for whatever stupid ass reason? No problem, homey ... our industry-leading round-by-round coverage will keep you abreast of the action all night long.

By: Jimbo X

Yeah, it's been a while since we've covered a UFC show, ain't it? Well, that's primarily because the UFC hasn't exactly given us any PPVs worth going out of our ways to witness since January, but thankfully, that drought appears to be over with UFC 225.

Tonight's spectacular from Chicago is no doubt a stacked card. In fact, it's so stacked that Rashad Evans, Sergio Pettis, Clay Guida and Joseph Benavidez are having to fight on Fight Pass instead of normal TV. Which, yeah, I guess could also be an indictment of how far their respective stocks as professional fighters has diminished over the last couple of years, but whatever

All you need to know, really, is that tonight's show has a little bit of everything. Up and coming heavyweights looking to knock each other silly. A who's who list of women fighters duking it out in an obsolete struggle to keep MMA's female division relevant post-Ronda Rousey. Two of the best lightweight fighters on the planet going toe-to-toe for a substitute championship crown. A fan favorite former pro wrestler trying to redeem himself after getting his ass destroyed in his debut fight. And, of course, our main event attraction — a rematch of one of 2017's most underrated fights, which thanks to Yoel Romero's inconsistent dieting, is now a non-championship affair. But then again, it's not like we really expect our favorite Cuban to do much of anything that makes sense, which is why he's clearly our favorite hard-line Christian ex-Commie in MMA.

Naturally, not everybody has the ability to screen these kinds of shows, though. Some of you might be too poor to afford the $59.99 asking price for the PPV, while others may have computers too slow and shitty to effectively stream the card, legal or otherwise. And, of course, knowing my audience, I'm sure at least half of you have either had your licenses suspended or been banned from the local sports bar for trying to give the waitresses the old magic thumb, so watching this thing at a nearby watering hole is beyond the question. Therefore, as a vital community service, I'm offering you kids my FREE AND COMPLIMENTARY round-by-round coverage of UFC 225 all night long, beginning TONIGHT at 8 p.m. EST. So go on ahead and bookmark this shit and hit the refresh button early and often — this thing is going to get updated early and often, and trust me, you don't want to miss a single second of the tomfoolery. And hey! Why don't you do you and yourself a favor by telling some of your fighting fan friends about what we're doing tonight? Surely, they will appreciate your considerable nature, and mayhap even suck your dick for being so helpful.


Alright, we are coming to you LIVE from some arena in Chicago. I think it's the one the Bulls play in, but I'm not 100 percent sure. Our announcers are Jon Anik, Joe Rogan and Jimmy Smith. Yep, the guy who used to be in Bellator. Goddamn, now THAT is a trade war.

Heavyweight Bout
Rashad Coulter (8-3-0-0) vs. Chris de la Rocha (4-2-0-0)

Yep, we be living in a world where Rashad Coulter is curtain jerking a live TV show and Rashad Evans is reduced to fighting for free on Facebook. Man, ain't that a kick in the pants. Anyhoo Coulter is 8-3 as a pro, but he's lost his last two fights badly by KO. His opponent (no relation to the dude from Rage Against the Machine, by the way), is also coming off back-to-back TKO losses, so you know what that means — if these two mamma jammas ain't headhunting like bush people and looking for a five-star knockout, we'll ALL be sorely disappointed.

[POST-SCRIPT: OK, so I didn't see this one live as it happened. But apparently it was a pretty solid heavyweight brawl that ended with de la Rocha winning via second round ground and pound. Maybe worth going out of your way to watch.]

Featherweight Bout
Ricardo Lamas (18-6-0-0) vs. Mirsad Bektic (12-1-0-0)

Old Ricardo has had an up-and-down career since joining the UFC in 2011. Over a span of 13 fights, he's gone 9-4, having most recently gotten his lights turned out by Josh Emmett via TKO last December. Meanwhile, opponent Mirsad Bektic is 12-1 in pro fights, with his only loss coming in the form of a third round K.O. loss to Darren Elkins in what is probably the best fight of all of of 2017. Considering their respective pedigrees, this one ought to be a good one, folks. Like I said though … "ought to."

[POST-SCRIPT: Yeah, I didn't watch this one either, but Bektic won it by unanimous decision in what I hear was a pretty ho-hum bout. Probably worth skipping.]

Women's Strawweight Bout
Claudia Gadelha (15-3-0-0) vs. Carla Esparza (13-4-0-0)

I don't know if it'll make her feel any better, but Gadelha only seems to get beat down by people named Joanna Jedrzejczyk or Jessica Andrade. Of course, Carla Esparza ain't neither one of them, so I reckon that should make Gadelha feel slightly better about her chances these evening. Not that Esparza is an off-night herself; she's got a pretty decent two-fight win streak going on, complete with decisions wins over Maryna Moroz and Cynthia Calvillo. Just, uh, pretend like you know who those people are, though.

[POST-SCRIPT: Of course, I missed this one, but even if I was watching the show live I probably would've tuned out, anyway. Regardless, it was a close bout, the Internet told me, with Gadelha winning by split decision. For hardcore MMA fans/proponents of women's equality only.]

Heavyweight Bout
Alistair Overeem (43-16-0-1) vs. Curtis Blaydes (9-1-0-1)

eah, this show is so stacked The Reem didn't even make it to the main PPV card. Anyhoo, the last time we saw Alistair he was getting his head knocked somewhere towards Neptune by Francis Ngannou, so naturally, he'll be looking to get the taste of that bitter defeat out of his mouth tonight against Chicago-based fighter Curtis Blaydes, who, much to my chagrin, isn't related to SHONDO Blades from that one LARPING reality TV game show on ABC from a few years back. Anyhoo, Blaydes (whose nickname, unfortunately, isn't "Bey") is on a three fight tear, and a win tonight over Overeem wouldn't just be the biggest of his career … it might be a big enough upset to propel him to a potential title eliminator fight. So, in other words? Yes, the UFC Heavyweight Division actually is THAT bad nowadays ...

[POST-SCRIPT: The first two rounds were utter dog shit, but you NEED to see the third and final round, when Blaydes elbows Overeem into mincemeat. Like, that nigga makes blood pop out of his skull like a plasma-filled pinata, and it is glorious.]

Go ahead, kids. Come up with your own smartass caption for this one. (Do note Jackson's tattoo of The Brain from Pinky and the Brain, though.)


Well, so much for covering the prelims, huh? Sorry about that, kids ... I had to take the wife out for a walk and Arby's, and apparently, that takes two hours these days.

Welterweight Bout
CM Punk (0-1) vs. Mike Jackson (0-1)

Well, we all know what happened the LAST time Phil Brooks tried his hand at this whole "Ultimate Fighting" business. With an 0-2 combined amateur/professional record (including a RNC loss against THAT Mickey Gall in less than a minute in the de facto eliminator to face Punk in his FIRST UFC outing), Mike Jackson gets another crack at tasting victory this evening, as does his WWE-import rival, who's probably headed back to the indies if he loses tonight's bout.

"You're about to see a more experienced CM Punk," Phil sees in the pre-fight hype promo. Well, shit, that kind of goes without saying, don't it? Also, he says he wants to win the fight for the "whole city of Chicago," so way to put the pressure on your own shoulders, Phil.

Mike Jackson comes out to the hip-hop music. He's a former Golden Gloves champion, so that doesn't bode well for CM Punk at all. Oh and Pat Militech is in his corner, if you care. Punk, of course, comes out "Cult of Personality." He looks WAY skinnier than last time. "The loser of this fight becomes a meme," Jimmy Smith says. Holy shit, that is the greatest line I think I've ever heard an MMA commentator say, by a country mile.

Huh. I wonder how I failed to mention Mike Jackson's prominent "Black Power" tattoo on his right titty? Anyway, he's soundly booed while CM Punk gets a mostly positive reaction, but nothing deafening or anything like that.

Loud "CM Punk" chants to begin. Wow, that's surreal. Mike with a hard right. CM Punk has the slowest spins I've ever seen. Punk with a clinch against the cage. Jackson reverses it. We have separation and they're standing in the center of the cage again. Jackson lands a couple of shots, and CM Punk goes for another clinch. Punk with knees to the body. Punk shoots for a takedown but he can't stick it. Separation again. Another Punk takedown is stuffed. He looks winded as fuck right now. Punk is bleeding heavily from his nose. PUNK LANDS THE TAKEDOWN. He's in side control. Jackson is back up and he lands some good shots to the liver as the round expires. Holy shit ... Punk may have actually won that round.

Round two. The "CM Punk" chants flare up again. Punk shoots for another takedown, and Jackson stands strong. Separation, and CM Punk now has a dried blood Hitler mustache. Jackson staggers Punk with a hard right. Punk looking for a standing guillotine. Jackson is in the full guard. Jackson looking for hammer fists from the top. Punk's face never bled like this in the WWE, that's for sure. Now Jackson is pounding Punk without even looking at him, just for the LULZ. Punk trying to work something from the closed guard. Thirty seconds left in the round. Punk tries to tie up Jackson's hands. Yep, that's a definite 10-8 round for Jackson, maybe even a 10-7.

Round three. Punk is already breathing heavy. His face looks like somebody rented it for a cutting board for a couple of months. Punk shoots for a takedown, he stumbles and Jackson rocks him. The ref stands them up. Punk goes for the shittiest jumping knee you've ever seen in your life. Punk with a clinch against the cage, and Rogan says he thinks somebody paid Jackson to let the fight make it three rounds. Punk goes for a desperation knee bar, but he can't land it. "There's a lot of time when 'heart' just means a longer beating," Smith says. Man, this motherfucker is just a quote machine tonight. Jackson literally punches Punk's ass from the north-south position. Twenty seconds left. Punk just kind of slobbers on Jackson's navel as the round concludes, to a chorus of boos from the audience.

It's 30-26 across the board for Mike "The Truth" Jackson. He literally takes a selfie while his hand is raised for the decision. He said he was cool during the fight, but not as cool as he could've been because they wouldn't let him smoke weed. And then he says something about Allah, I think. And LOL, CM Punk doesn't get a post-fight interview.

Heavyweight Bout
Andrei Arlovski (27-15-0-1) vs. Tai Tuivasa (7-0-0-0)

No, Tuivasa isn't the backup quarterback for Alabama, nor one of the first openly homosexual players in NFL history. Rather, he's an undefeated Australian fighter that's won ALL of his previous fights by first round knockout or TKO. And Andrei Arlovski, for better or worse, is still Andrei Arlovski — albeit, an Andrei Arlovski on a two-fight winning streak, which doesn't exactly overshadow the fact he lost his last FIVE fights in the Octagon before that.

Tai comes out to the Celine Dion song from Titanic. Like, he's belting the shit out and trying to get the crowd to sing along to it, too. "He hates to train and loves to eat," Anik says. Arlovski comes out waving the flag of the Chicago police department, which, much to my surprise, isn't an emblem depicting five cops beating the shit out of an unarmed teenage negro.

Huh, Arlovski is actually fighting out of Chicago these days. Didn't know that. This is the Pitbull's 44th pro fight. The Twin Towers were still standing when he made his UFC debut, believe it or not. Tai falls on his big fat belly and Arlovski lands a hard land kick. Tai is so fat he literally has a second butthole growing under his belly button. Arlovski with another hard leg kick. Tai falls atop Arlovski, and oh shit, he's in the full mount. Huh ... Arlovski paints his toenails. Well, that's gross. Tai not doing a whole lot from the top. Tai is bleeding like a stuck pig and he DROPS Arlovski with a straight jab. He lets Arlovski up for more punishment. Arlovski with a knee in the clinch against the cage. Tai with a good combo after the separation. Tai lands a head kick and falls flat on his big fat ass. They circle each for a few seconds as the bell sounds.

Round two. Arlovski with leg kicks early. He misses by about three ZIP codes on a high kick. Tai connects on a one-two combo. Arlovski fires back with some hard rights. Tai with a clinch against the cage. Arlovski with a high kick and Tai lands some good jabs. Tai with a good flurry and Andrei ties him up against the cage. Arlovski says Tai poked him in the eye, so that's a timeout. The video replay doesn't show much scratching, and the fisticuffs doth resume. Both men rock each other in back-to-back blows. Arlovski goes for the world's slowest spinning back fist, Tai pops him a few times and that's all she wrote for the second.

Round three. Tai with some leg kicks to begin. Both men look a little hesitant to throw now. Arlovski rattles off a nice combo. Tai's nose is a bloody faucet. Arlovski whiffs on a head kick. Tai tries to close the gap and he lands a solid left hook. Tai with some VERY hard shots against the cage. About a minute left. Arlovski lands a barrage of punches. And there's that shitty spinning back fist again. Tai is sucking wind something wicked. Nobody does shit in the final ten seconds of the bout, and there's the horn.

Let's hear from the judges, why don't we? It's 29-28 across the board for Tai. Well, that's a controversial decision, to say the least. "Andrei, you put a fuckin' fight on, brotha," he says in the post-fight interview with Joe Rogan. Then he says he's going to go home and drink beer out of a shoe, and Joe lets us know how fucking nasty that is. Then Tai goes into the crowd and LITERALLY drinks beer out of some random fan's tennis shoe, and yeah, that is EVERY bit as gross looking as it sounds.

...when something makes the dude who hosted Fear Factor want to barf, you KNOW you're dealing with some nasty shit.

Women's Featherweight Bout
Holly Holm (11-4-0-0) vs. Megan Anderson (8-2-0-0)

I am shocked that TNA or ROH hasn't tried to recruit Holly Holm for at least one or two shows by now. I mean, she *is* the woman who exposed the illusion of Ronda Rousey, ain't she? Regardless, the former boxer hasn't looked to good since beating The Rowdy One at UFC 193, having gone a pitiful 1-4 in the Octagon ever since (with her latest loss a one-sided drubbing at the manly, manly hands of Cris Cyborg last December.) Anyhoo, her opponent is an Invicta import who's on a four-fight tear, with all of her wins dating back to 2016 coming via TKO. Of course, she did chicken out of a previous bout against Cris Cyborg, so I'd say it's a 50-50 at best that she actually puckers up the ovos to throw down in this one, too.

Well, I walked a puppy so I missed the entire first round. But then again, this is women's MMA, so honestly, how much could I have really missed here?

Round two. Megan is officially the palest bitch I've ever seen in my life. And Holly Holm, as she long has, resembles a meth-dealing truck driver. Looks like Anderson outweighs Holm by about 20, 25 pounds. Holm shoots for a takedown, and we have ourselves an extended clinch against the cage. Holm gets a takedown and she's working from side control. Now she's elbowing Megan's wide-ass birthing hips. Holm may be going for a kimura. Now Holm is back in the full mount. She lands two big shots and locks in an arm triangle. There's about a minute left in the round. Holm gets a second or two worth of ground and pound before Megan blocks it with her lanky ass chicken legs. Holm with a series of elbows to the face carries us to the bell.

Round three. Two big things I probably should've told you about earlier — Ronda Rousey is being inducted into the UFC Hall of Fame and Demetrious Johnson will  be rematching Henry Cejudo at UFC 227 in early August. Holm literally kicks Anderson in the vagina. Like, I'm pretty sure she got penetration with at least two of her toes. Holm looking for another takedown. And she gets it. Holm is dominating that ho from the top. Christopher Reeves would've had more mobility in this fight than Anderson. They're standing again. Holm gets another takedown. That's her fourth of the fight. LOL at Joe saying there's nobody else for Amanda Nunes to fight other than Holm. Holly locks Megan up in a guillotine as the bell sounds.

30-27 and two 30-26s to give Holm the obvious unanimous decision win. In the post-fight Joe says she's one of the best female fighters on the planet and the fans cheer her pretty hard. Is she from Chicago or something? Because it's really strange that the audience is that behind her.

Alright, time for a video package to pimp the co-main. Right after we take a look at a bunch of drunks at some random pub in Chicago, of course.

UFC Interim Welterweight Championship Bout
Rafael dos Anjos (28-9-0-0) vs. Colby Covington (13-1-0-0)

Tyron Woodley WAS the 170-pound champ, but he vacated the title for ... well, honestly, I don't care why, to be honest. So now we've got Rafael dos Anjos (whose jaw is LITERALLY made out of titanium) going toe-to-toe with Colby Covington (who, to the best of my knowledge, has a jaw that is only made out of bones and stuff) for the interim (read:make-believe) Welterweight Championship. Regardless, dos Anjos is riding a three-fight winning streak with victories over Robbie Lawler, Neil Magny and Tarec Saffiedine, while Covington is riding a five-fight winning streak with victories over Demian Maia, Dong Hyun Kim (well, one of them, at least) and Bryan Barberena, among others. On paper, this should be a pretty interesting little match-up. Like I said, though — "on paper."

Colby comes out first and he gets booed like a motherfucker. Meanwhile, RDA comes out to music from a random Neo Geo game, I think. BTW, Terence Crawford just beat Jeff Horn, and Tyson Fury — who I had NO IDEA was fighting today — just retired some can in the fourth round.

Both men come out swinging early. Colby gets the takedown, but RDA is right back up. Colby smothering him against the cage and we have separation. RDA's ear has exploded and blood is drippin' everywhere. Colby looking for another takedown. Colby with a kick to the face. Colby's pressure is relentless. RDA lands a knee to the solar plexus. RDA with some elbows in the clinch. RDA keeps landing those knees. They exchange leg kicks. RDA sticks a right jab. Colby bullies RDA into the cage, but he whiffs on the spinning back fist. Colby holds onto the cageside clinch as the bell sounds.

Round two. This fight is brought to you by Modelo Cerveza, the beer of choice for Mexican alcoholics north and south of the border. Colby goes right back to smothering RDA against the cage. Hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it, right? Separation, and RDA lands a kick to the shoulder. "Colby sucks" chant flares up. We have a scramble, and Colby presses RDA's back against the cage once more. RDA is outlanding Colby on body strikes, 17 to 5. RDA clips Colby with a right. They're both trading paint in the center of the cage. Colby bullies RDA into the cage yet again. Colby lands a takedown. That's his fourth landed so far in this fight. He has RDA's back with about half a minute left. Colby's got a nasty cut above his eye. They both swing wildly to end the second.

Round three. Take a wild guess what Colby does first thing out the gate? If you said "push RDA into the cage," you sir, are correct. RDA with some knees in the clinch. Colby with some good leg kicks. Colby lands a takedown. RDA is up, but Colby holds onto his back. RDA wants a timeout after Colby kicks him in the testicles. Well, that was a blatant ball blaster. Huh ... Colby does kinda' look like John Cena a little. RDA lands a good uppercut, only to eat a knee from Colby and another flurry of punches. Time for another clinch against the cage. He has RDA's back. Colby with a kick to the ribs. Colby with another cageside clinch, and that'll do it for the third.

Round four. RDA land his best shot of the night, a heavy right hand, right out the gate. But Colby bounces back. Colby literally lawn darts RDA into the cage mesh. Oh shit, RDA gets a takedown and now he's in the full mount. RDA working a front choke. Colby back to his feet and he escapes. RDA with another takedown. RDA almost has Colby's back. RDA with a ton of knees to the thighs. Separation and both men are swinging. RDA with another takedown, but Colby is right back up. We are DEAD EVEN on significant strikes at this point. Both men throwing wild, looping punches. Colby secures a facile single leg takedown, and that'll carry us to the bell.

Round five. Colby desperately trying to secure the takedown. He has RDA's back. RDA goes for a jumping knee and Colby punches him right in the fucking face in mid-air. Colby throwing a ton of kicks now. RDA going for a kimura as Colby eyes yet another takedown. RDA with a kick to the ribs and Colby lands a tremendous combo. Colby looking for a takedown with about 90 seconds left. And sure enough, Colby bullies him into the cage yet again. Both men swinging for the fences in the center of the cage, and Colby appears to have gotten the better of the closing salvo.

We go to the judges. It's 49-46 and two 48-47s for Colby. Covington cuts an AMAZING post-fight interview in which he calls Tyron Woodley a bitch, refers to RDA as a "filthy animal" and promises to put the belt on the desk of Donald Trump because he's a REAL American, damn it. Shit, that made this whole PPV worth it right there.

Time to pimp UFC 226. Yep, that one oughta' be a good 'un, alright.

Oh holy shit, I just saw Colby Covington's Twitter, and he literally called RDA a "soy boy." It's official — Colby is now my favorite MMA fighter.

UFC Middleweight Championship Bout (LOL, JK, This Bout Doesn't Mean Shit For Anybody)
Robert Whittaker (19-4-0-0) vs. Yoel Romero (13-2-0-0)

Wait a minute. Last time I checked, wasn’t GSP the Middleweight Champion? When did Whittaker wind up with the belt? Oh that's right — the UFC just *gave* it to him a month later without even having to beat anybody for it. Anyhoo, Whittaker is back from a staph infection that almost killed him and he'll be duking it out with Yoel "No For Gay Jesus" Romero, the same man he bested by unanimous decision at UFC 213 last July in what was easily one of the ten best MMA fights of 2017. Regardless, Romero is fresh off a third round knockout victory over Luke Rockhold in February and, of course, I'm just sure he'd love to avenge his defeat at the hands of Whittaker and strap UFC gold around his waist for the first time in his career (which he definitely won't be doing tonight because his stupid ass couldn't make weight.) Considering how good the first match was, there's no reason for this one to disappoint — here's to hoping these two guys don't let us down this evening.

Romero comes out to something that sounds like it was pulled from the Samba de Amiga soundtrack. BTW ... this is the SECOND time he's missed weight for a championship bout. Meanwhile, Whittaker comes out to the rapping music, which is something I only know about if it involves Bushwick Bill and Inspectah Deck.

Romero is 14 years older than Whittaker. At 41-years-old, methinks Romero is well on his way to becoming the modern day MMA equivalent of Bernard Hopkins. Whittaker kicking the knee early. More leg kicks for Whittaker, and he's using it to set up the jab. Romero lands a big left. And another big 'un. Whittaker with more knee kicks. Whittaker isn't giving up on that jab. Romero misses by a mile on a spinning back fist. Give Romero some credit, his standing guard is outstanding. Romero wobbles Whittaker with a leg kick of his own. Romero misses on another spinning back fist as the bell sounds. "That just tore a hole in time," Rogan comments.

Round two. Whittaker is leading Romero on strikes, 34-8. Whittaker with a big overhand shot and Romero lands a high kick. Whittaker with more kicks to the body. Romero misses on a head kick. Yoel's eye is swollen shut. It's bad enough to stop the fight, really. Yoel with a ton of desperation strikes and he slips on a takedown attempt.

Round three. The swelling on Romero's eye has gone down a little. Whittaker misses on a huge head kick. ROMERO DROPS WHITTAKER WITH A MASSIVE UPPERCUT! He temporarily has Whittaker's back, but the defending champ is back up. Now we've got a standing fucking war going on and it is beautiful. Whittaker is bleeding profusely from the nose and connects on a spinning back fist. Romero lands a straight jab. Romero with a ton of punches and Whittaker lands a HUGE head kick. Romero has Whittaker's back. Now Whittaker is pressing Yoel against the cage. The hug it out as the bell sounds. Shit, that HAS to be the best single round of MMA action to go down so far in 2018, and it isn't even close.

Round four. Both men get a standing ovation heading into championship rounds ... even though this isn't a championship bout, naturally. Whittaker lands a head kick. He kicks Romero again on an aborted spinning back fist. Romero's eye looks like it is starting to close again. Romero gets a timeout after Whittaker kicks him in the sack. UFC bylaws say Romero has five minutes to regain his composure, so if he's smart, he'll take every last second. Alright, timeout's over. Whittaker with a flurry of jabs. Romero connects on a straight jab. Looks like Whittaker may have broken his hand. Romero with a gut kick. Romero misses on a Superman punch, and Whittaker misses on a haymaker. Romero pops Whittaker good. He lands another big right, and that's our segue to the fifth and final stanza.

Round five. Pretty much whoever wins this round wins the whole she-bang. Romero with a great one-two combo, but Whittaker continues to press forward. Romero misses on another spinning back fist. Whittaker connects on two snapping jabs. ROMERO DROPS WHITTAKER AGAIN! Romero with some nasty ground and pound and Whittaker is turtling up. Whittaker gets to his feet and Romero shoot-pedigrees that nigga. Romero with a leg trip and he has Whittaker's back. Romero with another leg trip but Whittaker is right back up. Less than a minute left. Romero goes for a spinning crescent kick but Whittaker kicks his leg out from under him. We have a brief exchange at the very end, and that's all she wrote, kiddos.

Yikes, this is going to be a hard one to score. The judges see it 48-47 Romero, 48-47 Whittaker and ... 48-47 WHITTAKER.

The fans mostly boo the decision. Whittaker said Romero looks weak, "but he hits like a croc." Rogan asks him if a rubber match is in order. Whittaker doesn't really give an answer. Meanwhile, Romero apologizes for not losing enough weight and says "God bless America, and Chicago, too." Rogan asks if he wants a third fight, and Romero says ... well, I'll be honest with you, I have no earthly clue.

Alright, you kids get some sleep and I'll be back in first thing in the morning with some more substantial thoughts. But all in all, that was a pretty solid card, complete with the presumptive front-runner for 2018 FOTY — kinda' hard to complain about that, ain't it?

Apparently, depth perception isn't all that important when it comes to whippin' dat ass.

SO, WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? Yeah, there needs to be a third Yoel Romero vs. Robert Whittaker bout and soon. This thing is slowly turning into the best, most consistently awesome rivalry in MMA, and if Yoel can ever find a way to make weight, I'm sure it'd make for quite the championship contest, to boot. I mean, shit else are you going to do — give Luke Rockhold, or even Chris Weidman, another crack at the strap instead? Colby Covington made himself a star tonight in his one-sided drubbing of dos Anjos, and considering their wildly divergent fighting styles (and identity politics), the UFC HAS to have him square off against Tyron Woodley to determine the world's best welterweight for real by the time 2018 wraps up. Along those same lines, Holly Holm vs. Amanda Nunes for the women's bantamweight strap is pretty much a foregone conclusion considering the night's turn of events, and why the hell not book Curtis Blaydes vs. Tai Tuivasa for a late summer scrap?

THE VERDICT? This was a a really, really good show that's probably a whole lot more important in the long haul than it initially appears. Romero/Whittaker 2 is probably the runaway pick for best fight of the year thus far, but you can't discount the gravitas of the rest of the card either. You had Colby Covington making himself a star by making RDA look like a bitch and cutting the best post-bout promo of 2018 immediately afterwards, you had Holly Holm reasserting herself as one of like, three truly marketable female fighters in the company and with Tuivasa and Blaydes each notching upset wins over vets likes like Arlovski and Overeem, we may have seen a changing of the divisional torch, so to speak, before our very eyes. Factor in Rashad Evans getting destroyed in the Facebook fights and CM Punk's MMA "career" going up in smoke and you have all the makings of a quasi-historic card ... although it will almost certainly be all but forgotten about by the end of the year.

SHOW HIGHLIGHT: Whittaker/Romero 2 was everything it needed to be and Covington's post-fight promo was downright god-tier.

SHOW LOWLIGHT: I guess watching Holly Holm go Caged Heat on Megan Anderson for 15 pointless minutes wasn't exactly the most thrilling way to spend a Saturday evening.

ROGAN-ISM OF THE NIGHT: "Underneath that fat, there's a lot of muscle" — Joe on the body composition of Tai Tuivasa.


(*) Apparently, it's way harder hitting a Go 2 Sleep or Pepsi Plunge in a real fight than it is in the world of 'rasslin.

(*) It's not officially a "shoey" unless somebody spits in your Reebok first.

(*) Being a world champion in Invicta means about as much as having the highest grades in remedial math.

(*) Donald Trump supporters have far better takedown skills than you'd think.

(*) Only having 50 percent of your vision actually makes you a better fighter, just as long as you're a black Cuban dude who hates homos on the down low.

Well, that's all I've got for you this week, kids. Crank up "Cellophane" by Knapsack and "Little Pink Stars" by Radish and I'll be seeing you cageside in just a few, folks ...


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