Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Which Team Should We Root For In The 2018 World Cup?

With no American team to rally behind, we break down the field to determine which squad the USA should support this summer ...


By: Jimbo X

In case you were wondering, no, the United States men's soccer team didn't make qualify for the 2018 World Cup. There's a lot of reasons as to why, but long story short: our boys blew it big time in the CONCACAF qualifiers, to the point they even jobbed out to Trinidad and Tobago, a country that can't even decide what it wants its name to be. Indeed, much shame befell the land … or would have, if it wasn't in the middle of football season and anybody had noticed.

But here we are eight months later and now it's sinking in that we don't have a home team to cheer for. Of course, watching the world's biggest sporting spectacle without a proverbial horse in the race is about as much fun as picking out dryer lint, so how about we, as a county, determine which surrogate team us Americans are going to be supporting this summer?

Let's take a gander at our options a little more in-depth …

Russia - They're hosting the tournament this year and, that whole hacking business and almost accidentally triggering World War III a couple of times stuff aside, I think they're a pretty viable proxy. I mean, they did give us Fedor, Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn and Tetris, which is clearly three times as many worthwhile things as Canada has given us. Just, uh, overlook the fact that child porn is legal over there, though. And the parts of the country that are still radioactive wastelands. And most of you LGBTQI people don't got no rights in most of the country. And at least 99.9995 percent of the land mass is just snow.

Saudi Arabia - …when Russia isn't the one with the worst human rights records in the group, you KNOW you're dealing with one sketch-ass pool.

Egypt - On one hand, they did build the Pyramids. On the other hand, they really haven't done much of anything since then, really.

Uruguay - This is one of those countries we total forget exists, that has no real discernible cultural features or noteworthy residents. Also, the country is somehow 88 percent white, and I'm still having trouble firing out how that hell that managed to happen.

Portugal - Pretty much the only thing I know about Portugal is that their peoples like to fish a lot and they decriminalized heroin. Which, yeah, makes them a pretty strong candidate to be our *temporary* boys on principle alone.

Spain - You either love the Spaniards for their romanticism or loathe them for their colonialism. Personally, I dislike them because Vega from Street Fighter II is a real painus in the anus, and that alone disqualifies them from contenderhood in my book.

Morocco - You've got Casablanca, you've got Ali: Fear Eats The Soul and that's pretty much it. Fun fact: if you started swimming in a straight line from the Georgia coast, eventually you'd wind up here. But you'd probably drown first, because that's a really long time swimming.

Iran - You ever notice how the Iranian flag kinda looks like Italian flag, and that kinda looks like the Mexican flag? Well, I don't like any of them, and although the prospects of an Iran/Saudi Arabia match-up down the line would be a hoot and a half, I just can't in good conscience lend my support to any population that doesn't believe in hot dogs.

France - LOL, no.

Australia - They have kangaroos, they drink a lot, they're all descended from criminals, most of their country is an inhospitable wasteland and they gave us both Men at Work and Mel Gibson. This has to be the frontrunner thus far.

Peru - Paddington comes from Peru, and I love me some Paddington. That's enough to vault them into the top five, maybe even top three for me.

Denmark - All of the Scandinavian countries kinda' blur together. Isn't this the one with really, really high taxes? Yeah, well, not even technically owning Greenland can overcome a 60.2 percent taxation rate, homey.

Argentina - According to Wikipedia, their populace is 96 percent white. In the middle of South America. And their prime minister used to be the GMLFiest GMLF of all-time. Make your own call on this one.

Iceland - Which is actually green, per the second Mighty Ducks movie. Their cities are way too hard to spell, though, so that automatically disbars them from competition.

Croatia - Their top export is "MMA fighters who kick people in the head really, really hard," so naturally we'd give them an automatic first round bye.

Nigeria - Nigerians might just be my favorite ethnic group on the planet. They're basically the black version of Jews, and if you've ever had a freshman social studies course with them in college, you'll know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. That, and I'm pretty sure I have a wealthy uncle who lives there, who's about to send me a whole bunch of money just as soon as I email him my birth certificate and credit card deets.

Brazil - They gave us BJJ, one really good Elite Squad movie and they'll probably be in a full-fledged civil war by the time the 2020 World Cup rolls around. Also, their uniforms look really boss.

Switzerland - Same deal as Denmark. Too cold, taxes are too high they can't even afford a full-sized flag. To heck with 'em.

Costa Rica - Growing up I was always told in school they didn't have a standing army. Except they actually do, only they don't call it an army, they call it "public forces." Sorry, but I just can't trust any country that won't come clean about that kind of stuff.

Serbia - All I know about this country is derived from A Serbian Film. Therefore, they immediately hop to the front of the line.

Germany - They started two World Wars and they lost two World Wars. But even worse, they gave us David Hasselhoff.

Mexico - Even without the border stuff, I’ve always thought they were kinda’ overrated. Yeah, the food is great and lucha libre is awesome, but outside of that, what have they given us?

Sweden - Great, another indistinguishable Scandinavian country. At least their meatballs are pretty good, though.

South Korea - Eh, I’m neutral. Their hyper-violent kung fu movies are definitely A-OK, but good lord, is their pop music atrocious.

Belgium - The Belgians are known for three things, and three things only; Jean Claude Van-Damme, waffles, and enslaving, torturing and massacring a whole bunch of black people in Africa and somehow not getting anywhere near as much flak for it as you’d imagine. Needless to say — how much you like pancakes and the Kickboxer movies is going to sway your opinion on these guys.

Panama - They’ve got a canal (that we dug for them, BTW), Van Halen wrote a song about them and, yeah, that’s pretty much all they’re offering. They’re basically just a poor man’s Costa Rica, and considering how poor Costa Rica already is, we’re talking really poor here.

Tunisia - Easily the obscurest country in the tourney. I bet you don’t even know which continent these people are on, do you? Well, it’s Africa, only the part that has Muslims instead of the black folks. About 90 percent of the country is inhospitable desert wasteland,  so if you like Las Vegas, you’ll probably be right at home here.

England - We literally fought the Revolutionary War so we wouldn’t end up like these tools. I’ll root for literally anybody in the tournament besides these clods, and that includes Mexico. Think about that for a minute.

Poland - Yeah, we’ve heard all the jokes about screen doors on submarines and going to the sun at night. But to be fair, they are pretty much the only country in Europe that ain’t letting the E.U. bend ‘em over backwards, and for showing just a little bit of backbone we ought to give them just a little bit of regard.

Senegal - It’s pretty much just another random African country. They should totally rename themselves Wakanda to boost tourism.

Colombia - I’m pretty sure they were invited just to supply everybody.

Japan - They gave us Pride FC, the best pro wrestling on the planet, the best video games, Takashi Miike and they’re unapologetically xenophobic. If it wasn’t for Pearl Harbor and the Betamax, they’d probably get the nod.

So after all of that, I think it’s safe to say we can eliminate quite a few countries from contention right off the bat (England, France, Mexico, anything anywhere close to Norway, etc.) So I guess it’s probably easier to just tier these countries off, based on how similar they are to America — if not in practice and execution, at least in theory and spirit.

GOD TIER
Poland, Japan, Croatia, Australia

GREAT TIER
Uruguay, Portugal, Russia, Brazil,

GOOD TIER
Germany, South Korea, Belgium, Serbia, Peru

MEH TIER
Argentina, Nigeria, Spain

BAD TIER
Senegal, Colombia, Morocco

AWFUL TIER
Iran, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Costa Rica, Panama, Tunisia

SHIT TIER
England, France, Mexico, Denmark, Iceland, Switzerland, Sweden


Personally, If I had to pick one team to pull for this World Cup, I’d probably lean towards Poland. Let’s face it, after spending half a century getting gang-raped by the Ruskies and the Krauts and being universally considered retarded for the other half, they’re long overdue for some kind of positive affirmation, and you have to give mad props to any peoples that take pride in telling the European Union to take a flying fuck at a rolling bagel. So let’s give our boys Rob Lewandowski, Michal Pazdan, Kamil Glik and Lukasz Fabianski same dap; they might be a buncha' Pollocks, but in this day and age, that ain’t such a bad thing to be … especially when the alternative is being French, Mexican or, god help us, Dutch.

So on behalf of the Internet Is In America — and by proxy, America herself — let’s all share a hearty chant of “WAR POLAND!” and rally our adopted kinfolk in red and white to victory.

I mean, they deserve our support for their sausage alone, really ...

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