Sunday, March 31, 2019

This Week in Alt-Right Neo-Nazi Hate Speech That Needs To Be Banned

Trigger warning activated! Our biweekly recap of everything that irked, irritated and aggravated SJWs is back with a vengeance! Read it and weep, NAZIS AND FASCISTS AND RACIST SNOWFLAKES! THE INTERNET IS IN AMERICA IS NOW UNDER THE CONTROL OF SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIORS!

By: JimboX

Attention, bigots and homophobes and racists and Trump supporters and people who think that moldy, wrinkly, problematic document penned by slave-owners called “The Constitution” means more than the precious emotional wellbeing of transgender Americans and minorities of all creeds and colors: the remorseless hatemonger “Jimbo X” has officially been disposed, and The Internet Is In America is now OFFICIALLY under the purview of US, the April First Committee.

Never heard of us? Well, you will, because we’re one of the fastest growing auxiliares of Antifa in the country. We’re dedicated to confronting and eliminating every last scrap of “hate speech” on the Internet, and we’ve been after that FASCIST Jimbo X for years. How dare that horrible, horrific, wrong-headed BIGOT NAZI CONFEDERATE HOMOPHOBE doubt the unquestionable veracity of 100 percent “woke” documentaries made by proud black women, or suggest that ANYTHING could possibly be more evil than racism. In fact, we’re pretty sure he’s secretly a Klan member, irregardless of his praise of Malcolm X, Booker T. Washington and Diff’rent Strokes. But the thing that TRULY outraged us about this awful, awful website was that PREJUDICIAL, MISOGYNISTIC, TRANSPHOBIC, RACIST, SEXIST, ISLAMOPHOBIC, HISPANOPHOBIC, OBESEOPHOBIC recurring column This Week in Social Justice Warrior-dom, which really ought to have been called This Week in Racism, From a Bigot Racist (who is also a Racist.) Indeed, the April First Committee’s very first act upon seizing control of The Internet Is In America is to SUBVERT that hideous, horrific, horrendous feature and repurpose it as a beacon of hope drawing attention to all of the evil, vicious and flatout wrongheaded bullshit that people like Jimbo X and his supports oh so erroneously believe.

So soak it up, BIGOTS, it’s time for the first installment of This Week in Alt-Right Neo-Nazi Hate Speech That Needs To Be Banned, an all-new biweekly feature that examines all of the disgusting, deplorable, disgusting things no-good cretins like Jimbo X and his “followers” erroneously believe about contemporary society. And for those of you who came here expecting the usual RACIST AND PREJUDICED AND BIGOTED tirades from Jimbo X, consider this a teachable moment, if not an opportunity to get woke to the way the world REALLY is … you racists.

CNN proposes curtailing First Amendment to stop right wing terrorism, and WE FULLY SUPPORT IT BECAUSE ONLY UNCONSCIONABLE KLAN MEMBERS WOULD BE OPPOSED TO IT

As we all know, words aren’t just a random assortment of letters, they’re LITERALLY weapons that can be used to kill people. As such, we hear at the April First Committee applaud Alexander Tsesis of Loyola University for his progressive stand against the evilness and vileness of “free [hate] speech” published on CNN recently.

“Had social networks and internet service providers adequately monitored the suspect’s postings, an arrest might have been made and the massacre averted,” Tsesis states in his COMMON SENSE proposal for the federal government to monitor all forms of social media and arbitrarily arrest people for their statements. Indeed, Tsesis has his own blueprint in mind to turn the United States into a U.K.-like surveillance state that would also place major restrictions on tech companies — who SHOULD be restricted, because capitalism is intrinsically evil.

“Congress should draft a new law establishing standards for social media companies and ISPs to take down the terrorist content they're aware of,” Tsesis states. “Congress already has authority to act against organizations that knowingly provide resources to foreign terrorist organizations. A new law should prohibit similar coordination between digital companies and domestic terrorist groups. Passing detailed regulations would encourage companies to improve their monitoring technology and algorithms to be at least capable of recognizing true threats and incitements posted on their sites. Moreover, legislators should add penalties for companies that fail to do so, as it would be in keeping with Supreme Court decisions on the First Amendment.

You heard the man! Our utmost goal as a society MUST now be declaring everything that doesn’t gel with our hyper-liberal ethos as a form of “domestic terrorism,” which would then allow us to legally imprison all of those wrong-headed RACIST NAZI BIGOTS who are too stupid to know that individualism is Hitler and the government should control everything, especially public opinion.

Well … as long as a Democrat is in the White House, anyway.

RACIST, BIGOTED WHITE SUPREMACIST frat boys at the University of Georgia get expelled, and they DESERVE FAR WORSE PUNISHMENT for their crimes against humanity

My goodness, did you hear about those fraternity boys at the University of Georgia who used the most vile word in the English language on the internet! How dare those entitled, bigoted, racist, homophobic, misogynistic, Islamophobic, PRIVILEGED WHITE MALES even be allowed to go to college, let alone one that’s meant to indoctrinate the PUBLIC with steadfast liberal values! Thankfully, that evil, vile, reprehensible Nazi frat has already been banned from campus, but that’s nowhere near enough punishment; indeed, we here at the April First Committee think these WHITE MALES should be CHARGED WITH HATE CRIME TERRORISM for their online postings. No, even that isn’t a fitting punishment, we think those boys ought to be charged with ATTEMPTED RACIST MURDER for saying *THAT WORD* and disseminating to the public at large. Indeed, imprisoning people for their WHOLE LIVES may indeed be the only way to stamp out HATE in our lifetime … although, from a pragmatist’s standpoint, it might actually be more beneficial to simply EXECUTE everyone accused of committing a hate crime from this point onward.

DON’T YOU SEE WHAT YOUR PRECIOUS GUNS ARE DOING TO PEOPLE! The fact that the Second Amendment continues to exist is enough to drive Parkland and Newtown survivors to KILL THEMSELVES, even though we all know ALEX JONES SHOULD BE THE ONE ARRESTED FOR THEIR MURDERS

THANKS A LOT TRUMP SUPPORTERS! Because you keep questioning things online and worshipping sleazebag secret Nazis like Alex Jones and PewDiePie, you’re LITERALLY KILLING INNOCENT PEOPLE. Don’t you care that your LOVE OF BABY-KILLING WEAPONS literally CAUSED one of the Sandy Hook shooting victims’ fathers to take his own life, and also literally CAUSED two students at Parkland High to likewise take their own lives? Wait a minute, they didn’t “take their own lives,” they LITERALLY WERE KILLED BECAUSE THE SECOND AMENDMENT STILL EXISTS AND FREE EXPRESSION ALLOWS NAZI BIGOT KLANSMEN LIKE ALEX JONES TO SAY UNPOPULAR THINGS WITHOUT BEING IMPRISONED. The so-called “First” and “Second” Amendments are nothing more than safeguards for Nazi Hitler Klans-Bigots, and every single person who owns a gun and/or doesn’t vote Democrat should be arrested and incarcerated for supporting terror-hate-murder. And fuck Trump while we’re at it.


Speaking of Trump, just because the two-year, $30-million-plus Mueller report didn’t result in Trump going to jail for colluding with Russia — which we KNOW is empirical, objective fact, despite the lack of tangible evidence, which is EXACTLY the kind of thing privileged whites ask for — doesn’t mean that Trump is “innocent.” In fact, if anything, the fact that the Mueller Report didn’t prove Trump colluded with Russians is actually MORE PROOF that he actually DID, because to avoid leaving “evidence” that he DID collude with Russians, that means he had to do WAY MORE COLLUDING WITH RUSSIANS to cover up the evidence. Therefore, Trump LITERALLY colluded with Russia, Russian Nazi Internet bigots cost Hillary the election and Trump SHOULD be impeached and imprisoned and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez should AUTOMATICALLY be given the full combined powers of the executive, judicial and legislative branch just like Captain Marvel to make up for it.


Of course, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez — as a biracial, bisexual, bipolar communist who grew up in a life of wealth and privilege — is the literal embodiment of the future of the left, and one day she WILL be PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. And when she does, she will undoubtedly make America the TRULY PROGRESSIVE UTOPIA it always should’ve been, where there are no such things as borders and only white people have to pay taxes. Alas, for the time being, even her own colleagues within the Democratic Party have gone against her super-important “Green New Deal,” which will TOTALLY save the planet and not thrust America into an economy-wrecking energy crisis that also leaves her prone to invasion by the Chinese. In fact, all 57 Senators — voting across party lines — choose to reject ACO’s plan, which is proof positive that Congress is too old, too white and too addicted to big oil an big coal and big business to realize if we don’t stop eating hamburgers and driving cars billions of minorities will drown underneath tidal waves of RACISM. And also, actual water, but MOSTLY RACISM, figuratively. Regardless … everybody in the Senate should be ASHAMED of themselves, and also give all their money to ACO so she can start preparing for a presidential run 10 years from now. Those bigots.


HA HA HA HA RACISTS! As it turns out, Jussie Smollett WON’T be doing time for that “alleged hate crime hoax,” which of course, is a secret dog whistle for racists, anyway. In fact, the prosecutors in Chicago KNOW FOR A FACT that Jussie is innocent, so they dropped ALL CHARGES OF FRAUD AGAINST HIM, which means a.) he told the TRUTH and b.) he REALLY IS A VICTIM OF A RACIST HATE CRIME BY MASKED DONALD TRUMP SUPPORTERS HANGING OUT IN CHICAGO AT 3 IN THE MORNING. We should all give Jussie our warmest regards for all of this mean-spirited slandering that’s been perpetrated against him, and on behalf of ALL Democrats in America, we here at the April First Committee DEMAND that all Donald Trump supporters be held accountable for the attempted murder of America’s finest homosexual black TV actor who was also in The Mighty Ducks. Stay strong, Jussie … we knew you were innocent all along.

Not only is NASA’s lack of extra-extra-extra-large space suits problematics, it’s actually MISOGYNISTIC

As we all know, the average woman in America is 168.4 pounds, and 35.5 percent of all U.S. women are deemed “medically obese.” Of course, this is all a bunch of PREJUDICED, ANTI-WOMEN propaganda from the bigots in the medical community, who are obviously made up primarily of men’s right activist incels. In fact, not only is being obese NOT a medical problem, it’s actually WHAT a woman is supposed to look like, and to suggest that a 4’11 woman with a BMI of 60 ISN’T beautiful, healthy and better than any man on the planet of ANY size isn’t just WRONG, it’s also a hate crime and possibly literally rape. Which is why it’s so disheartening to see a supposed “progressive” government agency like NASA REFUSE to let a female astronaut do a spacewalk because they don’t have enough suits in her size. Of course, if HILLARY was President, such crimes against women wouldn’t be happening … hell, she might even personally pay for it herself, because unlike DRUMPF, she’s actually a DECENT HUMAN BEING. Thanks a lot, MEN, for destroying an entire generation of women’s ability to dream … each and every last one of you should be arrested as sex criminals. Especially the Republican ones. As long as they’re not minorities.


As we all know, Democracy was invented by racist, white slave owners, so all of that stuff they said about “liberty” and “individuality” and “separation of powers” MUST be discounted as HATE SPEECH. Thankfully, French author Clemence Michallon has stumbled upon the PERFECT idea to get America on the right track, proposing in The Independent that the United States henceforth ALLOW CITIZENS OF OTHER COUNTRIES TO VOTE IN THEIR ELECTIONS. And you HAVE to agree with her bullet(*) points below, or else you are a BIGOTED TRUMP SUPPORTER:

(*) We apologize in advance if the use of the term “bullet” triggered any of our readers. Remember: as long as one gun remains in the hands of private Americans, none of us are safe.

“I know, I know. The idea sounds so absurd, so outrageous that it’s hard to know where to begin your rebuttal,” Michallon writes. “I have floated it around, timidly, in bars and at various dinner parties over the years, and let me tell you – it’s hard to get people to agree with me. And I get it: it’s never been done. I will probably never be done. But last week, a terrorist killed 50 people in two mosques in Christchurch, New Zealand. The alleged gunman, who had referred to himself as a white nationalist, viewed Donald Trump as ‘a symbol of renewed white identity.’ So, yes, I think it’s high time to acknowledge the fact that what happens in the US has immense, tangible consequences on the rest of the world, and I am tired of crossing my fingers hoping that American voters will do the right thing.”

Of course, Michallon is 200 percent correct. All 7 billion people on the planet SHOULD be able to vote in U.S. elections, except for the ones that might vote Republican. In that case, those people should be sent to labor camps, where they are slowly and systematically exterminated and cleansed of the global genetic pool for BEING LITERAL NAZIS.
As proud, progressive liberals of the future, we know that the only people who should be imprisoned for ANYTHING are white people guilty of committing hate crimes, like using the wrong pronoun on Twitter. Indeed, how many hundreds of thousands of proud, innocent black men have been rounded up in the RACIST carceral state just because they robbed one liquor store, or molested one relative or killed one or two neighbors in a drive-by? Deep down, we all know terms like “justice” and “law and order” are secretly dog whistles meaning “black people are subhuman and need to be put in cages just like LITERAL slavery,” and as The Huffington Post recently demonstrated, even a seemingly proud BLACK WOMAN like Kamala Harris isn’t guilty of crimes against her own kind. Did you know that Harris rallied behind a law that actually PUNISHED parents for their children not going to school, and that at least one of those kids had sickle cell anemia and therefore invalidates all the other “legitimate” examples of shitty parents not keeping an eye on their young ‘uns? Because it totally does. Kamala Harris, you are OFFICIALLY considered an Aunt Tam by the April First Committee … but then again, we should’ve realized that when you BETRAYED YOUR RACE BY MARRYING A WHITE MALE.
McDonald’s ADMITS CAPITALISM IS DEAD, paving the way for $35 an hour fry cook positions, AS IT SHOULD BE
For decades, McDonald’s has been one of the nation’s biggest lobbyists AGAINST the minimum wage. Alas, because COMMUNISM IS THE FUTURE, the fast food behemoth recently announced it would SLOWLY BEGIN RAISING WAGES, which means yes, we are one step closer to a $15 MINIMUM WAGE BECOMING A REAL THING. But as proud, forward-thinking Democrats, I think we can all agree that such isn’t PROGRESSIVE enough. At the absolute BARE MINIMUM, nobody in America should make less than $35 an hour doing anything, and that includes people on welfare, who come to think of it, probably deserve $50 an hour in addition to their regular entitlements. But wait, let’s take it a step further — the government should just GIVE everything to everybody FOR FREE, so that why, there’s no more income inequality, which means no one would ever feel unequal and WANT to commit crimes and shit. Of course, Republican RACISTS have fought against this socialist solution for years, but thankfully, they’re all dying out and being replaced by minorities, who SURELY will turn America into the COMMUNIST HEAVEN prophesied by Marx and Engels. Sigh … all you INTOLERANT straight, white, Christian, conservative MEN can’t go extinct fast enough. BIGOTS!
...and a few headlines that speak for themselves...


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