Monday, July 15, 2019

The Non-Communist’s Guide to the 2020 Democratic Presidential Candidates

A quick and-to-the-point overview of all 24 presidential candidates from the left of the aisle … from the perspective of a non-Maoist millennial.


By: Jimbo X

I made the mistake of watching both of the Democratic presidential challenger debates last month. I promised myself I wouldn’t get dragged into this shit, but after hearing so many people say “No, for real, Jimbo, you ain’t gonna’ believe this,” I bit the proverbial bullet and hit up the replays on YouTube.

Long story short — it’s over, people. Everything I was told about the debates was true, the Democrats have officially gone full communist. 

I was in awe as candidate after candidate harped the exact same party line about climate change and abortion and guns and taxing the shit out of everybody, but what really astounded me was how far down the socialist rabbithole these people were willing to go on live television.



 And more than one — if not the majority — of candidates on stage seemed to believe that private health insurance ought to be abolished by the Behemoth of “Medicaid for All” programming.

It was like a goddamn parade of strawmen from /pol/ memes had become sentient, a’la Roger Rabbit, and declared their intent to run for president. Their rhetoric was the kind of stuff you’d expect to hear out of some PBS documentary on Venezuela, but no, this is what passes for moderate Democratic policy in this, the post-Obama era. Very, very rarely am I unable to fire back a pithy, smart-ass comment about something, but for those two debates, I was literally speechless. This stuff is so full throttle retarded that it’s virtually impossible to mock or ridicule. And just when you think things can’t get any worse? That’s when Kamala Harris starts banging the racial injustice gong again — we’re literally dealing with executive power seekers who genuinely believe the inherent factuality of something can change depending on what color its speaker is. This isn’t just a sociopolitical comedy of errors, it’s like some sort of metaphysical parody penned by Juvenal, Horace and Mennipus while high on molly. It’s hyper-surreality made reality, but seemingly no one is aware OF that afore-mentioned hyper-surreality, so that makes the whole muddle of a trifle even MORE brain-numbingly bamboozling.

Of course, some of us out here in America-land AIN’T a buncha’ bleedin’ heart pinkos that think soft totalitarianism government is the solution to everything, and as such, we might have a natural tendency to not listen to a damn word none of these candidates say. However, in the interest of fairness, I’ve taken it upon myself to give you — the truly impartial, undecided voters of American — a quick-and-dirty rundown of all 24 (yes, there are 24 of them) Democratic presidential candidates who actually might have a shot come fall 2020. 

Read ‘em and weep, folks — this is literally everything you need to know about the left’s challengers for the Oval Office, from the perspective of a man who ain’t a liberty-loathing, free speech-fearing, Goliath-Government-worshipping, communist piece of shit … 

Micheal Bennet

A.K.A., “Literally fucin’ who? The Candidate.” The CNN tells me he was a senator or something who once worked as the superintendent for the Denver Public School System. Well, considering the luck Colorado’s schools have had over the last few years, don’t expect him to ever brag about his state’s public safety record. Also, he was literally born in fucking New Delhi, India and under the United States Constitution is ineligible for the presidency, but then again, it’s not like Democrats give that much of a fuck about what the document says in the first place, so what the hell ever.

Joe Biden

Pretty much all you need to know about Joe Biden is that’s he’s a creepy old man with nice teeth who likes to hug women against their will and say “malarkey” a lot. He was vice president for eight years, where presumably, he spent most of his free time serving as a breathing footstool for Barack Obama. Since he’s an old white man, at some point in the past he probably said something racist or sexist, or something completely antithetical to Democratic Party values, like the idea that criminals should actually be punished for their crimes. Expect the majority of his campaign to be one poorly phrased mea culpa one after another, with plenty of “muh dead son” conveniently thrown into the mix whenever confronted by the term “bussing.”

Bill de Blasio

Bill de Blasio is the mayor of New York City, which right off the bat let’s you know he’s got to be a stark-raving commie maniac with ties to the Italian mafia. Like every other Democrat on the campaign trail, de Blasio is a self-admitted socialist who wants to give everybody free healthcare and pre-K education, even if it means jacking up your income taxes to 90 percent. He also hates guns, and doesn’t pick up on the irony of sending his people with guns out to fucking kill you if you don’t give them your guns. Furthermore, everytime he talks, you can almost smell the never-ending breadsticks seeping out of your TV set.

Cory Booker

Literally a candidate created for a documentary movie, Cory Booker is probably best known for looking like a corndog with eyebrows. A U.S. Senator from New Jersey, Booker’s many legislative accomplishments include being black but not that black and that one time he was almost assassinated by Bloods gang members. He also wants to legalize marijuana on the federal level, which, yeah, sounds like something a black candidate for President would say, alright.

Steve Bullock

As the governor of Montana, Bullock literally oversaw the needs of tens of residents, which naturally makes him a perfect fit to oversee international trade deals and negotiate with atomic-powered rogue states with global terrorist ties. Also, he’s so goddamn boring that they wouldn’t even put him on the debate stage, which is really saying something considering the suits at MSNBC thought John Hickenlooper outdid him in terms of charisma.

Pete Buttgieg

“Mayor Pete” is a homosexual so raging, even his name has the word “butt” in it. As the municipal leader of a college town with barely 100,000 people, Buttgieg is clearly experienced enough to handle international climate change accords and military threats from nuclear bomb-stocked countries, since if he anyone disagrees with him he can just scream “you homophobe!” over and over again until they kowtow to his demands. His first order of business, naturally, is to change the name of the country to the U-ASS-A and replace the National Anthem with “It’s Raining Men.”

Julian Castro

Well, if you’re going to embrace socialism out in the open, you might as well nominate a guy for president whose last name is unironically Castro. The former secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Julian’s many achievements include saying some things, then saying them again in Spanish para la gente. He prides himself on being the only Hispanic in the race, although from an empirical perspective, he seems to more closely resemble an Asian Beaker from Muppet Babies than anything else.

John Delaney

If John Delaney walked into the room right now, you’d probably be like “who the hell is that?” Or if you’re taking a dump at the time, “how did you get in my shitter, baldy?” Pretty much the only two things that are known about Delaney is that he’s from Maryland and he wants to raise the corporate tax rate to pay for “infrastructure,” but since he said universal health care would probably lead to hospitals going bankrupt, there’s no way in fuck the DNC is ever going to let this guy win.

Tulsi Gabbard

A U.S. Representative from Hawaii, Tusli is literally the first non-fat Samoan person in history. She’s also a practicing Hinduist, which means she’d be the first President to worship a fucking elephant warrior from Mortal Kombat publicly. She also did something or another in the Iraq War, but let’s face it, it probably wasn’t that important. Also of note: not only is she easily the most tappable presidential candidate running in 2020, she may indeed be the only tappable presidential candidate running in 2020.

Kirsten Gillibrand

Like all women, Gillibrand is a shrieking ballbuster who hates guns, capitalism and people doing anything productive of their own accord. But on the plus side, she did get Al Franken to resign from the Senate after some skillful Level 10 “but muh ovaries!” public shaming rhetoric during the first #MeToo volley. She also wants to abolish the I.C.E., which I’m sure will do a lot to deter rapes from happening instead of accelerating them significantly.

Kamala Harris

Part Indian, part Jamaican and all opportunist, Kamala Harris is a proud, self-made black woman who is in reality only half black, the product of a privileged upbringing and more than likely named after a no-legged WWF pro ‘rassler who used to pretend to be a cannibal and paint Lucky Charms shapes on his stomach. As you’d expect, Kamala is quite keen on playing the race card at every conceivable juncture, to the point one can only assume she screams “are you profiling me?” while getting fucked by her almost impossibly Jewish husband. As per the new Democratic Party norm, her policy points rest on a double-tipped shield of legal weed and universal healthcare, although one has to suspect that — perhaps sooner or later — her tenure as a pro-putting-criminals-in-prison-instead-of-giving-them-free-money district attorney  in San Fran will inevitably cost her the nomination.

John Hickenlooper

All you need to know about Hickenlooper — and the modern Democratic Party, in a nutshell — is that on the campaign trail he once defended capitalism and almost got booed off the stage. Sorry folks, but some things are so utterly CLOWNWORLD™ that it’s virtually impossible to comment on them, let alone attempt to make fun of them anymore.

Jay Inslee

Inslee is some old white asshole from Washington, so naturally, the only thing he really gives a fuck about is climate change. In fact, he thinks climate change is such a severe and immediate threat that he’s willing to give up America’s national, military and economic sovereignty to some behemoth, overarching international power structure to do things that are scientifically goddamn impossible anyway. Easily the most likely candidate to make Snowpiercer a reality, and it’s not even close.

Amy Klobuchar

Amy is a candidate so unremarkable, I think at times her handlers have to remind her that she still exists sometimes. As a senator from Minnesota, her legislative highlights include … uh, not getting eaten by a bear? Yeah, that’s pretty much it. Basically, the only reason she’s running is because she liked the taste of the limelight from her cringe-inducing hysterics during the Brett Kavanaugh hearing, although one has to wonder just how fair she will fare with today’s bleeding heart liberals when even goddamn fuckin’ Buzzfeed accuses her of being too much of a sociopathic bitch to command the free world

Wayne Messam

Amidst an array of “candidates of color” that, at best, come off as off-beige, Messem certainly stands out from his colleagues by not just being the blackest person on the debate stage, but quite possibly the blackest known thing in the universe — seriously, this guy is so melanated he makes Wesley Snipes look like an albino. As far as his political policies go, pretty much all that’s known about him is that he hates guns and was too shitty to play for the 1997 Cincinnati Bengals. He also promises to forgive $1.5 trillion in student loan debt, because apparently, today’s Democrats are actually in a footrace to cause the next great economic bubble and inevitable recession.

Seth Moulton

On the surface, Seth Moulton may just appear to be nothing more than some random-ass, 40-year-old white dude from Massachusetts. But upon closer inspection … well, no, I guess that is pretty much all there is to him. Next!

Beto O’Rourke

Following conventional Democratic Party wisdom, Beto wasn’t a solid enough candidate to win a Senate seat in his home state, but he’s somehow solid enough to be the head of state for the entire freakin’ country. Born Robert Francis O’Rourke, “Beto” is about as authentically Hispanic as the value menu at Del Taco, but that still doesn’t stop him from trying to trick the masses into thinking his Irish ass is actually Mexican. But on the plus side? I’m pretty sure he’s the only candidate running for president who started a Bad Brains knockoff band and used to publish fan fiction about running over children with cars in his youth.

Tim Ryan

A U.S. rep from Ohio, pretty much the only noteworthy thing Ryan’s ever done is criticize Nancy Pelosi, and even then, it’s not like he called her the “C-word” or anything like that. He also wrote a book encouraging veganism, which I’m sure is every bit as exciting as it sounds in theory.

Bernie Sanders

A 77-year-old Jew from the whitest state in the union, the appropriately-initialed B.S. is LITERALLY a mouth-frothing communist whose grasp of economics is so disjointed from reality that he genuinely can’t explain what a “secured loan” is. Having spent the bulk of his youth recording crappy folk music and penning manifestoes on why women secretly want to be raped, Sanders today calls for the abolishment of private insurance to bring about his glorious, nationalized health care system which would only take quintuple or septuple the whole goddamn GDP to finance. Of course, anyone with even a rudimentary understanding of finances would be quick to realize Bernie has no earthly clue what the hell he’s talking about, but that hasn’t stopped him from becoming the de facto face of the “New Look Left,” which, inevitably, is preparing us for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s “Free Mortgages For Illegal Immigrants” platform in 2024.

Joe Sestak

An obscure U.S. rep from Pennsylvania who hasn’t held ANY office since 2006, Sestak spent 30 years in the military, by Job, which is an odd place for a Democrat to spend three decades considering their fuming resentment of all things American. Also, since he is a liberal, he wants to take assault rifles away from law-abiding American citizens yet give weaponized uranium to unstable, war-loving countries like Iran, because like fuck I can figure any of this stuff out anymore.

Tom Steyer

In a way, Steyer is kind of like the Bizarro Trump. A hedge fund manager who made billions by probably doing all sorts of legally murky shit, the anchor of Steyer’s platform is a fierce desire for campaign finance reform — this despite said candidate spending $10 million on a fruitless TV campaign to impeach The Donald and donating more than $87 million to Democratic candidates in 2016 alone. And in a gesture sure to endear him with the constituents of the Democratic Party who hate the wealthy with an almost Red Guard-like fervor, Steyer formally announced his campaign by literally stating “watch this, assholes, I’m about to spend $100 million like it’s fuckin’ nothing.”

Elizabeth Warren

At this point, what can possibly be said about Elizabeth Warren that hasn’t already been said before? A lifelong sufferer of what I like to call “The Billy Jack Syndrome,” Warren is a lily-white Methodist from Sooner country who spent her entire political career claiming to be a Native American, only for her 23andMe data to reveal she’s so Caucasian, she may indeed secrete light mayonnaise out of her pores. Her overall political platform is your usual grab-bag of post-Carter liberal platitudes, which basically boils down to “give me your money, no all of it.” Also, in the case of a nuclear war, she literally wants America to get bombed first before doing anything in retaliation — which is something so beyond the pale(face?) that even *I* can’t find a smart alecky rejoinder.

Marianne Williamson

When I saw Williamson on the debate stage, my initial thought was “Holy shit, I didn’t know Liz Phair was running for president.” As it turns out, she’s literally some random ass self-help guru who is famous mostly for being Oprah Winfrey’s “spiritual advisor.” She’s written a couple of self-help books that I am sure are filled with a robust assortment of batshit insane advice, and once  told the hosts of The Breakfast Club that she was willing to give Black America as much as $500 billion in reparations for slavery. You know, because the $26 trillion the federal government has already given the downtrodden in the form of targeted welfare expenditures since 1967 has been so effective as-is at combating historical inequality.

Andrew Yang

And last — and certainly, in this case, least — we come to Andrew Yang, the failed 4Chan meme made flesh. Apparently embracing accelerationism to its fullest, the 44-year-old offspring of Taiwanese immigrants not only wants to create a vast “Medicaid-for-all” welfare state, he wants to take it a step further and implement a universal basic income program that would see the U.S. federal government redistribute $1,000 to each and every resident over the age of 18 each month as a means of safeguarding the populace from the looming threat of automation. Proving once and for all that the stereotype about all Asian people being good at math to be a brazen falsehood, Yang has yet to give a solid answer as to how he’s going to pay for his $2.5 trillion a year UBI entitlements — outside, of course, for the expected refrain of “duh, more taxes, you round-eyed bastards.

As one of my online compatriots remarked recently, the 2020 Democratic field is like “a G1 tournament for liberals, only every participant is the political equivalent of Jay White.” There’s such little variance from candidate to candidate that it feels like they truly are interchangeable at this point — perhaps that explains the modern liberal fetishism for “diversity,” since having differently-hued candidates is pretty much the only way to tell them apart as a collective throng. 

Of course, the really sad thing is that, no matter who wins the war of attrition, one of the 24 people above is GUARANTEED to get at least 48-50 million votes come November 2020, just because they have that (D) beside their name. Indeed, as urban population agglomerations get bigger and bigger, the odds of the dimmy-crats seizing the executive office permanently grows likelier and likelier each mid-term, and there’s certainly a possibility that Trump is indeed unseated come next fall. Considering the lameduck field, though, as a betting man I’d reckon that this thing is Donny’s game to win or lose — at this juncture, all he has to do is avoid causing World War III and just point at the political other and say “just LOOK at ‘em” and he’s guaranteed a 20-point electoral win by default. 

Unless the American political landscape REALLY changes over the next 16 months, I have a hard time envisioning any of the dreaded two dozen candidates above EVER becoming the leader of the free world. Alas, their hardline “democratic socialist” party platform is only going to get more pronounced in defeat, and I can’t help but fuckin’ shudder whenver I think about what awaits us come 2024.

Whatever you do between now and then, I’d advise putting a lot of stock in non-taxable bonds; because if there’s one thing I can promise you, it’s that you’re NOT going to have a lot of spending cash in your wallet under the inevitable Ilhan Omar/Stacey Abrams regime of 2032 ...

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