Tuesday, February 18, 2020

2020 XFL Power Rankings (Week 2)

A weekly wrap-up of the gridiron greatness given to us by one Vincent Kennedy McMahon!

By: Jimbo X
This Week’s Episode:
“Admit it — you’ve already forgotten this shit exists”

Anytime someone tries to tell you we AREN’T living in the best of all possible timelines, just remind them of this little tidbit: in one lifetime, we’re on the verge of seeing Vince McMahon fail at a springtime NFL competitor TWICE. Of course, only time will tell how the newfangled XFL does (which, this time around, is an “empty signifier” that doesn’t actually stand for anything,) but look at this way: I mean, it certainly CAN’T be a bigger fuckup than the AAF or, god help us, the UFL, can it?

So as long as the XFL remains solvent, we here at The Internet Is In America is dedicated to giving you, the adoring, pigskin-loving public, the BEST damned weekly power rankings updates you’ll find anywhere. Because let’s face it — in modern America, we need more Matt McGloin and Connor Cook in our lives than it any other point in our nation’s fractious history.

DC Defenders (2-0)
Season Point Differential: +039

The Defenders absolutely DOMINATED the Guardians over the weekend offensively and defensively, positively spanking N.Y. 27-0 in a total laugher. Cardale Jones went 23 for 37 passing, ultimately notching up 276 passing yards and a two-to-one TD-to-INT ratio. And on the other side of the ball, Jameer Thurman looked like an absolute pimp, intercepting ex-Raider Matt McGloin and taking that sumbitch 46 yards to the house for a facile pick-six score.

Houston Roughnecks (2-0)
Season Point Differential: +024

It was a true battle of wills over the weekend, but ultimately, the Roughnecks remain unbeaten following a hard-fought 28-24 win over St. Louis. P.J. Walker had another tremendous outing, ultimately going 20 for 31 for 170 passing yards and THREE touchdown passes, all of which landed in the arms of receiver Cam Phillips, who concluded the contest with 63 yards on eight catches. Oh, and not the you or anybody anywhere ever should care, but James Butler led the team in ground production, calling it a day with 28 yards and one trip to the end zone on seven carries. 

St. Louis BattleHawks (1-1)
Season Point Differential: +002

Jordan Ta’amu gave it a good showing, but his fairly impressive performance just wasn’t enough to give St. Louis the edge over Houston this past weekend. Going 30 for 37 passing, Ta’amu ended up with 284 aerial yards and three TD passes — but with them, two very costly interceptions. Indeed, the BattleHawks made a valiant effort to rally back from 21-6 halftime deficit, and there’s no denying that their ability to close the gap to just a four point margin of victory is in itself a spiritual win. Oh, and did I tell you kids that Ta’amu also had one rushing score in the game? Because he totally did.

Dallas Renegades (1-1)
Season Point Differential: +001

The Renegades got their first win of the year in a game that saw Landry Jones (he of one-time Steelers fame) go 28 for 40 for 305 passing yards — albeit, with just one passing TD and TWO interceptions. In the 25-18 win over L.A., two players in particular shined for Dallas; running back Cameron Artis-Payne, who finished the game with 99 yards and two touchdowns on 14 carries, and receiver Donald Parham, who led the team in receiving yards with 76 yards (plus one TD haul) on five catches. 

Seattle Dragons (1-1)
Season Point Differential: -004

The Dragons got their first win over the year this past weekend, topping the Vipers 17-9 in what I guess was kinda’ sorta’ a battle of reptilian-themed teams. Quarterback Brandon Silvers went seven for 18 in the outing, amassing 91 passing yards and ending the she-band with one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio. Looking a little bit better in the stats section is receiver Keenan Reynolds (yep, Navy’s former QB), who lead all players in reception yards — 87 on three grabs, including a goddamn beautiful 68 yard TD saunter.

New York Guardians (1-1)
Season Point Differential: -007

As evident by the final score, no, the Guardians did not play very well in their hilariously awful 27-0 loss to the Defenders. Matt McGloin went a woeful eight for 19 on passing attempts, ultimately notching up just 44 passing’s yards on the day, and with them, two costly interceptions — including one that resulted in a pick-six for DC. And don’t look to the run game for any signs of optimism, either; at the final horn, the combined NY backfield could only amass 71 total ground yards, with none of them producing any trips to the end zone. 

Los Angeles Wildcats (0-2)
Season Point Differential: -027

The Wildcats remain winless following this weekend’s 25-18 defeat at the hands of Dallas. L.A. QB Josh Johnson (yep, the guy who once anchored the vaunted Sacramento Mountain Lions offense of the UFL and has been signed to no less than THIRTEEN different NFL teams) went 18 for 34 in the loss, collecting 196 yards and two TDs before he called it a day. Hauling in both touchdowns for the Wildcats was Nelson Spruce, who called it an outing with a pretty respectable 89 yards on six receptions. 

Tampa Bay Vipers (0-1)
Season Point Differential: -028

The Vipers remain sans a victory in XFL 2.0-play, falling 17-9 against Seattle this weekend. To say that Tampa Bay has some problems at the quarterback position would be a grave understatement; former Oklahoma State QB Taylor Cornelius went 16 for 27 for 154 awards and two interceptions, in addition to eating three sacks for minus 15 yards on the day. Alas, former South Florida QB Quinton Flowers didn’t really do that much better — he went only three for seven for 18 yards and ONE INT. Oh well, at least the rushing game doesn’t look that terrible, especially Jacques Patrick, who led the team with 73 yards on 14 carries. 


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