My Modest KRAVE CEREAL Reviews

In a glutted cereal market, do Kellogg’s latest products bring anything new to the (breakfast) table?

A few months back, Kellogg’s unveiled a new breakfast cereal called Krave. Actually, the company released two new breakfast cereals simultaneously, with el nuevo product-o coming in dual incarnations - one a chocolate version, and the other, a double-chocolate permutation.

There were a couple of things that initially struck me about this newfangled product, the very least of which was the fact that it kinda’ shared its namesake with a line of gay discos. Was it the embossed cereal chunks on the front of the package, or the fact that the company paid a butt load of money to mass campaign the poop out of the new product, or was it merely the notion that, all in all, there’s really not that much deviation in the cereal aisle stock from month to month? It’s insanely common to see new variations of products in the cereal aisle (the next time you hit up the grocery store, make a mental note of just how many damn varieties of Captain Crunch are being hoisted upon you), but seeing entirely new brands of cereal is an exceedingly rare phenomenon. The breakfast game is one clearly dominated by the old guard, so seeing any form of new blood on the shelving is a sight that’s sure to grab your attention…and make your taste buds just a wee bit curious as a result.

Eventually, consumer curiosity got the best of me, and I decided to recently try out both products. So is Krave destined to be the “next big thing” in America’s pantries, or is it destined to go the way of Fruit Brute and Yummy Mummy? Cereal connoisseurs, keep a-reading…

I suppose the first thing to note is that, compositionally, there doesn’t seem to be that much of a difference in the caloric make-up of the two. Granted, the double-chocolate incarnation appears to have a bit more chemical weight to it (which probably explains why it’s expiration date is a month earlier than its uni-chocolate kin), but for the most part, the two items are nutritionally equals.

As far as packaging goes, you’re dealing with the same lingo on both. Clearly, the double-chocolate variety is aesthetically different than the single-chocolate variety, and this is reflected on the packaging for said items. The back panels for each cereal, however, are identical, with Kellogg’s inviting would-be consumers to join the “Krave Nation” (although I’m not really sure if that’s supposed to be a republic of the “democratic” or “constitutional” variety, to be honest.) Also, Kellogg’s makes note of its target audience - “chocovores” - as people that really enjoy themselves some chocolaty breakfast items. Or as other marketers (and most of the laity) are prone to calling them, “diabetics.”

I guess there really isn’t too much to say about the cereal chunks themselves. Obviously, the two are differently hued, and are about the size of one’s thumbnail (pending you’re not part of Andre the Giant’s clan or something). I racked my brain for a few days trying to figure out what these things reminded me of, only to come to the realization that these things bare an uncanny resemblance to those old-ass Skoal Bandit pouches - you know, those mini-tea bags of chewing tobacco that many a crude stereotype can be seen sucking and spitting out on cable television programming, or perhaps your neighborhood’s more rural-looking gas stations. Whether or not that’s something you can overcome while chowing down on this cereal, I am afraid, is something that only the individual can decide for him or herself.

The big selling point for Krave - both varieties, mind you - is that each granule of cereal is loaded with a an inner-chocolate core that makes the cereal interiorly chocolaty as well as exteriorly. The packaging on the front of the cereal makes it sort of look like the chocolate core is almost liquid magma, so for those of you well versed on your Gushers etiquette - well, that may just come in handy once more here.

Before trying the cereal myself, I decided to do a little whole grain biopsy, to see just how chocolaty the inside of each chunk actually was. Since the exterior shell and interior filling of the double chocolate variety are virtually identical in color, it’s pretty hard to tell just how much bang for your buck you are getting there. With the “standard” chocolate variety, however, there is indeed an inner nucleus of chocolate to be found, although I was mighty miffed to note that the chocolate was of a solidified - and not gummy, oozy and Ovaltine-like - nature.

After determining that the foodstuff was most likely edible, I decided to turn on my camera and film my first experience with said product - remember, what you are witnessing is indeed my very first time inviting Krave in my body, and as such, my reaction is one hundred percent undiluted and authentic. “Blair Witch,” this shit ain’t, folks.

On the whole, I would say that Krave is a pretty good cereal, and after digesting both boxes, I reckon I can give you a more comprehensive review of each product.

First off, the “standard” version of Krave actually has a more pronounced chocolaty taste than the double-chocolate variety, which, clearly, is weird as all hell. I think this can be attributed to the fact that, since the standard version has something of a grain-tasting exterior, once you bite into the chunk and get a rush of chocolate, said chocolate flavor is more noticeable than in the double-choc offering, since you really don’t know if you’re chomping down on the outside or inside of the flake.

If you’re eating the cereals side-by-side (or blind-folded), odds are, you probably won’t be able to tell the difference between them for the first couple of bites. Outside of the afore-mentioned pronounced chocolate-ness of the standard offering, the double-choc variety has more of a semi-bitter taste to it. That’s not to say it isn’t sugary or anything (because, dear lord, is it ever), it’s just that it has a sharper flavor than it’s “just-chocolate” sibling. It’s a distinct difference, but it’s not something you would really notice until you’ve gone through half a box of each - and even then, it’s not really that big of a difference between the two.

I really wouldn’t say that one variety is better than the other; if you’re looking for a more “traditional” chocolate cereal, I would go with the standard offering, and if you’re looking for a stronger bowl of cocoa, I’d vouch for the double chocolate blend. In all reality, the gustatorial discrepancies between them are so slight as to be negligible; in fact, if you mix the two into a single bowl and dig in, you probably wouldn’t be able to tell which cereal was which - which means that either Kellogg’s is slacking off in the formula department, or they’re making the absolute subtlest statement about the arbitrariness of race relations since “Ikaruga” on the Nintendo Gamecube.

So, at the end of the day, is Krave really worth your time, effort, energies and moolah? While I don’t think the stuff is on the fast track to dethrone Count Chocula anytime soon, it isn’t bad by any stretch, and both varieties have just enough uniqueness to their flavor to make them stand out from the million-billion Rice Crispies/Cocoa Peebles variations out there. All in all, it isn’t going to revolutionize the breakfast aisle in any regard, but if you’re sick of downing oatmeal and off-brand Pop-Tarts every morning, it might just be a pleasant change of pace for those of you seeking something different to stuff into your digestive tracts each morn.

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A Tribute to General Mills’ “Monster Cereals!”

Count Chocula! Boo Berry! Franken Berry! Hooray! 

Whenever people ask me why I don’t believe in the Judeo-Christian god, I have no problems pinpointing my first grievance with the supposed almighty.

“If there really is a god, then how come he doesn’t let them sell Count Chocula, Boo Berry and Franken Berry all year round?”

Richie Dawkins himself couldn’t drum up a better argument against the existence of intelligent design. If I had to come up with a list of the greatest cosmic tragedies of them all, I’m pretty sure the fact that you can only score General Mills’ “Monster Cereal” for one measly month of the calendar year would be really high up there. With all of this nonsense going on about corporate bailouts and warfare in sub-Sahara Africa, where is the United Nations council on this modern atrocity? Surely, this has to qualify as a human rights violation to some degree, right?

The really sad thing here is that I recall a day not too long ago where you could waltz into any big box mart store in the country and amble out with a box of horror-themed chocolate, blueberry AND strawberry flavored cereals for about the same cost as a 2 GB travel drive. As a kid, I was never really the biggest consumer of cereal (unless the proof of purchase mail-in was really tempting - fourteen years down the road, and I’m STILL waiting for that Nickelodeon glow-in-the dark football, Kelloggs!), but for what should be glaringly obvious reasons, the General Mills “Monster Cereals” were a totally different story.

As a wee young lad, I loved any and all things horror and Halloween related. A decade and a half later, and I STILL love any and all things horror and Halloween related, and that youthful fervor for the Count, the Boo, and the Franken (no, not THAT kind of Franken) has yet to subside. In fact, I probably dig this super-sugar-soaked stuff NOW more than I did during the first Bush administration - and believe you me, we ALL needed our super-sugar-soaked breakfasts back then and then some.

As part of some horrible, horrible deal struck up by General Mills and undoubtedly Satan and the late Osama bin Laden, the company signed some sort of arrangement with Target so that the trifecta of horror cereals - once so widely available to all, is should be in a truly democratic society - have been relegated to seasonal items only. That means if you want Count Chocula, Boo Berry or Franken Berry, you’re going to have to stock up come the middle of October, or you’re S.O.L. for the next 365 days.

[HOARDER NOTE: A few years ago, I got a tip-off from a reader that told me that you can net surplus “Monster Cereal” up until Christmas at overstock stores like Big Lots, and for relatively cheap prices, too. So if you ABSOLUTELY feel the need for Boo Berry come St. Patrick’s Day, you know where to go.]

A lot of people have asked me what the appeal of these cereals is, exactly. To me, this is as absurd a question as I can dare ponder, because I reckon it’s so GULDARN obvious: eating any of the “Monster Cereals” is like eating a bowl of Halloween for breakfast. Forget your Captain Crunch or your Fruity Peebles, when you chow down on Franken Berry or Count Chocula, it’s like wolfing down the first three Castlevania games as a meal. More so than just about any breakfast cereal I can think of, the “Monster” selection from General Mills makes breakfast feel like an experience: the first time you scoop up a spoonful of blood-colored milk and cram rice puff ghosts and marshmallow bats into your maw, it’s like ingesting the unholy Eucharist of some Pagan ritual, the breakfast equivalent of having one of those evil earwigs from “Star Trek II” jammed into your cochlea. Typically, that’s the sort of food-based sensation that you’d only get if you ate bad meat or really good feta cheese, and with the General Mills assortment, you get to experience such ON A DAILY BASIS.

You know what I think you need? I think you need a role call of the “Monster Cereal” icons. Let’s begin with the most famous of them all, shall we?

COUNT CHOCULA!

 

Count Chocula is the great granddaddy of the “Monster Cereal” movement, and his claim to fame is that HIS cereal boasted the first chocolate-flavored marshmallows of ANY cereal on the market. As soon as you open up a bag, you get a whiff of chocolate ghosts and marshmallow bats. . .essentially, what a chocolate graveyard would look and smell like. Although originally modeled after Bela Lugosi, the redesigned Count these days looks more like that stupid bird from the Cocoa Puffs commercials: I suppose it could be worse though - a few years down the line, and they may just go ahead and remodel him as a glittery, metro sexual teenaged vampire. SHUDDER.

BOO BERRY!

 

Purportedly, Boo Berry was the first blueberry flavored cereal on the U.S. market. What’s even more awesome, however, is that the eponymous character was actually modeled after Peter Lorre’s character in “M.” That means that Boo Berry, the mascot for a children’s breakfast cereal, is modeled after A REAL LIFE CHILD MURDERER. And if you think that’s bad, just wait until you hear who Smacks the Frog was patterned after. . .

If you held me at gunpoint and forced me to pick just ONE of the “Monster Cereals” to call my favorite, I would probably go with this one, for a couple of reasons. First and foremost, I am a HUGE mark for any and all things blueberry scented, and secondly, I swear, this thing packs more fiber in one bowl than you would get from a lifetime of snorting Metamucil. Dieters, take note: before I went on my first major Boo Berry kick, I weighed 300 pounds. Nowadays, I think my BMI number is lower than the number of Gs on most smart phones, so take it from me: THE ALL BOO MEAL PLAN WORKS.

FRANKEN BERRY!

 

Franken Berry, if you believe the Internet, was the first strawberry flavored cereal in North America. It’s also perhaps the least appreciated of the “Monster Cereals”, which is a major shame; aesthetically, I think those neon-pink ghosts are probably the prettiest looking cereal bits I’ve ever encountered.

Franken Berry, of course, is modeled after a certain iconic Boris Karloff character (that’s right, that dude from "Targets.") The thing I always loved about this cereal was that if you added skim milk to the bowl, the entire dish would turn into a blood bath, with the red cereal chunks dying the liquid a deep crimson hue. Franken Berry, most certainly, is perhaps the most violent cereal ever marketed toward a child audience. . .which is sort of a mixed message, seeing as how the titular character seems to have a fondness for painting his fingernails to resemble strawberries. Hmm. . .an allusion to “Psycho,” perhaps?

 

As an added bonus, this year’s cereal boxes contain a SECRET comic book that tells the tale of how Boo Berry scared the bejeebers out of the Count and Frankie. Disappointingly, the comic is the exact same on each box, which makes you ponder just WHY General Mills didn’t go all out as far as premiums go. I mean, these are items that are only mass marketed for a few weeks, and the best they could spring for was a crummy comic sans even a real punch line? I guess a glow in the dark key chain or wind-up toy is probably asking too much, but you honestly mean to tell me that it was impossible to throw in a cardboard cut-out mask, or finger puppets, or something? Sheesh, we must REALLY be in a recession if the titans of breakfast cereals can’t whip out the A plus premiums.

 

And just for good measure, here’s two side by side shots, in case you were wondering what the cereals would look like if you stacked them in volume formatting on your bookcase. And if you genuinely wondered what that would look like, congrats on maintaining your virginity for the next decade or so.

Since this is the spookiest time of year, we also get two ADDITIONAL products: if you can believe it, BOO BERRY AND FRANKEN BERRY FLAVORED FRUIT ROLL-UPS. 

Now, admittedly, I’ve never really been a big fan of Fruit Roll-Ups, but then again, those Fruit Roll-Ups haven’t been endorsed by Boo Berry or Franken Berry before, either. If you’re unfamiliar with how such a delicacy works, it’s basically this space age food stuff that’s really nothing more than artificial fruit flavored wax paper. According to some in the know, you’re supposed to be able to pop out certain markings and logos on the roll-up, but yeah, we we’re supposed to have buildings that weigh less than your standard cookware by now, too, so take that sagacity with a grain or two of salt.

 

As far as the roll-ups themselves, the packaging is pretty nice, I suppose. . .even if at first glance, they look more like Boo and Franken Berry endorsed tampons than chewy candies.

 

All in all, I really cannot say I was too impressed by Boo and Frank’s foray into non-cereal ventures. To be fair, it is sort of cool that Boo’s roll-ups have super feint, ghost like images on them, but that’s probably just a printing error passed off as a product feature. Now, I’m a pretty big fan of processed food, but this stuff was just too plastic even for my liking. As you chew the stuff into smithereens, it really doesn’t feel like you are imbibing anything of considerable nutritional merit - or anything that is even REMOTELY organic, for that matter. I’m not really sure what kind of mood you would have to be in to enjoy these things, but if you ever get the hankering to chew on blueberry scented leather, this is probably your safest outlet to do so. 

The roll-up may be nothing more than a novelty, but I have ZERO complaints about the cereals themselves. Say what you will about the lackluster packaging decisions, the fact of the matter is that all three of these cereals flat out RULE and unless you had your taste buds singed off in some horrific childhood accident, you ought to find them just as tantalizing and tasty as I do. 

In fact, I’ll let you in on a secret that only me and a few other Free Masons (plus a couple of REALLY stoned college kids) have figured out. If you want an absolutely unforgettable gustatory experience, try merging all three of the cereals into a single meal. 

Seriously, how can you not watch that and automatically feel your tummy rumbling? Well, OK, if you have diabetes or something, maybe, but that’s a point of digression. The important thing is, the big three “Monster Cereals” are here, and in a few days, they’ll be whisked away to some warehouse in New Jersey somewhere, as us General Mills fans will have to anxiously await another year to our grubby, sausage like mitts on Count Chocula and Franken Berry.

Sigh. . .like life in general, the Monster Cereals are fleeting. Best enjoy both while you still have the capacity to do so. 

But if you only have time for one, yeah, I’d vouch for picking up the cereals.

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