The Even NEWER Loaded Grillers from Taco Bell...REVIEWED!

Chipotle Ranch Chicken and Chili Cheese Fries variations join the much-beloved Taco Bell Loaded Grillers family, but are they flavorful enough to reap the same accolades bestowed upon their precursors? 

There's this old saying that goes "if something isn't broke, don't fix it." Well, with the Loaded Grillers, Taco Bell has a promotional item that is next to impossible to mess up, yet something that can be endlessly retooled. Such a simple, yet genius premise, really: you take a burrito tortilla, throw in some really unusual batter patterned after T.G.I. Friday's appetizer stalwarts, and voila: profits are virtually guaranteed.

I was a huge fan of the initial Loaded Grillers line-up, but in some ways, I think I was an even bigger fan of the one dollar price point. To be fair, the "loaded potato" griller has been a staple of my diet since its release, and while the product is indisputably yummy, methinks a large part of my attraction to said foodstuff can be attributed to its overall cheapness. After hiking up the price point of the menu items across the board last year (the chain's much-ballyhooed "Happier Hour" program was less than well-received by the masses, it should go without saying), the entire griller family has once again been re-priced at $1 USD. It's certainly a nice surprise from the Almighty Bell, but it's not the only unexpected bit of awesomeness I encountered during my last grillers run...

Do my eyes deceive me, or are there are a whole bunch of new fountain drink options at the eatery? Mango iced tea, pomegranate-flavored H20, a DIET iteration of the much-beloved Mountain Dew Baja Blast, PLUS an all new Sangarita-flavored MD iteration? Holy cow, what a way to kick off the new year!

While menu line-up changes are the norm in the fast food industry, very, VERY rarely does one see a major, national franchise like TB introduce so many new tap offerings at one time. Needless to say, with such a wide array of beverages and soft drinks -- including some proprietary ones -- being served, I may indeed find myself slinking into the local Bell even more than I normally do. Which, by the way, is still a lot.

And what of the new grillers themselves? Well, let's start off by examining the Chipotle Ranch Chicken permutation, no?

The product itself, not surprisingly, is quite oily. As soon as I opened my wrapper, a thick wad of orange goop emerged from the paper, resulting in a big, fat glob of half chipotle sauce/half ranch dressing goo splattering on my counter-top. Clearly, for those of you with a disdain for sloppy foods, you might want to pack an additional fork and quite a few extra napkins before you go to town on this one.

As far as the product taste, it was pretty good. Being a somewhat sincere pescatarian and all, I had to pull the chicken chunks out of the wrapper, which means that I more or less found myself ingesting a burrito loaded with nothing but assorted sauces. Surprisingly, it wasn't that gross, and I figure you could actually make for quite the enjoyable vegetarian-friendly product if you replaced the chicken with some black beans and shredded cheese. Overall, it had a fairly solid, top-tier "Hot Pockets" taste to it, which, as we all know by now, isn't a bad place to be in today's fast food world.

The chili-cheese fries variation was, thankfully, a lot less messy than its Chipotle Ranch Chicken kin. Of course, one's long-dormant OCD complexes will suddenly spring back to life as soon as you unpeel the burrito, though.

What you see is what you get, I suppose. Indeed, there were some crispy French fry chunks in the mixture, along with some slightly sub-par tasting chili. Strangely, despite having all the proper ingredients at their disposal, the Bell never really has been able to concoct a top-notch chili recipe, and sadly, their disappointing streak continues with this release. I guess the sauce was OK, but as a whole, this one just wasn't all that palatable for me. Hey, maybe Taco Bell just isn't cut out to be offering fries in any fashion, no?

Ultimately, I think I preferred the first wave of Loaded Grillers goods to this one, but that's not to say there isn't some potential with the two new menu items. Obviously, the Chipotle Chicken Ranch offering is probably the better overall product, but if you're eyeing something different for lunch, you could likely do worse than the chili cheese fries-stuffed grillers, as well. I suppose your mileage may vary depending on whether or not you're an omnivore, so I'll just recast all of that under this blanket statement: odds are, if you liked the first three grillers, you probably won't hate the two newest additions to the line-up.

So what else is there to say about the Loaded Grillers? They have an unique taste, they're quite filling, and they only cost one dollar a piece. Whether you're a frugal fast food connoisseur looking to stretch your wallet until the elastic snaps off or you're just an adventurous foodie with a gastrointestinal tract made of steel, you'll probably want to give the menu items a try at least once.

I mean, heck, it's only a dollar we're talking about here, right?

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The All New Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos - - REVIEWED!

Finally, this otherwise worthless trifle we call “life” has meaning again…

Last spring, Taco Bell gave the Doritos Locos Taco -- a popular Southern California delicacy -- a national release. The outcome was a coast-to-coast phenomenon, with the item going on to become the fastest selling menu offering in the fast food chain’s history.

To commemorate the one-year anniversary of the highly popular hard-shell product, Taco Bell recently unveiled its spiritual “sequel” to the original Doritos Locos Taco - - the all new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco. Much rejoicing…and with it, corresponding bean sauce-stained pants…followed suit.

As a consumer, you may be asking yourself if an item of the like is truly necessary. I mean, it’s not like the product can taste that much unlike its predecessor, right? Well, talk of the like is clearly the Satanic prattle of commie sympathizers; it’s our divine right as Americans to have as many co-branded, probably-unhealthy fusion snack-fast-food abominations as financially feasible, and the only downside to the matter is that there aren’t more Doritos flavor-flavored tacos out there on the market place. If Benny Franklin were alive today, he’d probably be down at the local TB, two-fisting the new DLTs while singing the praises of modern capitalism. Well, that, or complaining about not being able to own slaves anymore, I guess.

The first thing you need to note about the Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco is the packaging. As you can see here, the wrapper scheme is mostly white and blue, indicating a certain “cool” vibe that the marketers behind the item clearly wanted to communicate with would-be consumers.

Additionally of interest is the text printed on the wrappers. There are a lot of “in-your-face” messages scrawled on the packaging, sort of a throwback to the 1990s style of advertising that tried to threaten you into purchasing foodstuffs out of fear of getting your ass kicked. I especially dug all of the hash tags sprinkled liberally around the wrapper. Clearly, this new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco is intended to be something more than a lunch time purchase; it’s truly intended to be the first ever SOCIAL MEDIA TACO, a multimedia experience much more than a dining one. Based on advertising alone, the intent from Taco Bell is clear; you’re not just supposed to EAT the new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco, you’re supposed to TWEET the new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco. But, uh, I would probably still advise NOT taking a picture of yourself naked eating the new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco and uploading it to SnapChat, though.

I suppose that, in some ways, it can be considered environmentally unwise to wrap an already wrapped-in-cardboard foodstuff in a fairly needless second protective barrier, but I disagree, for the most part. The translucent wrapper “clues” you into the contents of the thing you already bought, with the cardboard Doritos Locos Taco holder shining underneath the translucent exterior packaging like an ethereal spirit. It gets you excited for not just a dining experience, but in some manifestations, a spiritual one, as well.

The cardboard taco holders are actually flip-sided, with one side - a dark blue hue - reminding you that you are eating a new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco, while the opposite side - this, a red hued one - informs you that the original Doritos Locos Taco is still available for purchase.

There isn’t much to say about the newfangled Cool Ranch wrapper, other than the fact that it a.) has the name of the product emblazoned upon it, b.) it is mostly azure in appearance, and c.) you can conveniently fit a taco inside it. Courageously artistic, this design choice may not be, but you really can’t fault the thing for it’s functionality, I suppose.

As before, the Bell has granted us two varieties of Doritos Locos Taco; for a smaller fee, you can acquire a standard Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco (pictured here), and for a couple of extra cents, you can obtain a “supreme” version, which in addition to shredded lettuce and cheese, also contains a fair amount of sour cream and diced tomatoes.

As you can see, there’s quite a bit of difference between the two products. What I found most perplexing, however, is that despite the additional contents of the supreme iteration, it’s still very much the same shell size as the standard DLT. It even fits in the same cardboard holder, in something of a minor affront to how physics work. I would probably advise chipping in the extra quarters for the supreme version, if you have to make a choice between the two; hey, a couple of really big tomato chunks are worth it, I say.

As for the shell itself? Unless you have the world’s least impressive Mutant Power, you probably won’t be able to distinguish one of the new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos from a standard taco, unless you are up close against the item and witness the gleaming Cool Ranch speckles that are lined around the top of the taco. Unlike the previous DLT, your hands don’t become as coated in junk food dust as soon as you touch one of the shells, so here’s to the R&D techies at Taco Bell University for remedying the absolute largest complaint anyone could have about the first wave Doritos Locos Taco.

Now, as for how the newfangled DLT tastes? I actually preferred this one quite a bit to the original model. As stated before, the fact that one’s hands don’t turn the same color as a sunburned Oompa Loompa by grazing the product is a major boon, and I think the subtler Cool Ranch taste is much preferable to the kinda’ blunt, super corn-chip taste of the DLT 1.0. As yummy as the product is, however, I was still a little disappointed by the general vibe of the product; yeah, you do get something of a Doritos taste when you bite into one, but beyond that? It’s just a standard taco, with all of the regular taco fix-ins. As a HUGE fan of the Loaded Grillers released earlier this year, I was anticipating a little more innovation from the almighty Bell, and while the new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco didn’t leave me unsatisfied to any large degree, I still would’ve liked to have seen TB take this gimmick to the next level. How about throwing in some Fritos-flavored croutons or any awesome, proprietary guacamole sauce next time around, guys?

That said, the stuff, as expected, is pretty edible, filling, and worth at least one taste-test. Will the Cool Ranch new breed set the world afire the same way the first round of Doritos Locos Tacos did? Eh, probably not, but if you have a hankering for something grossly-tantalizing at 2 in the morning, it’s an ever-present option, I suppose…

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My Review of the Taco Bell Cantina Menu!

Taco Bell rolls out its answer to Chipotle’s line-up of “gourmet” burritos and rice bowls, but do the “Cantina Bell” offerings really live up to all the hype? 

I’ve said this many, many times before, but it bears repeating: there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t thank the heavens above that Taco Bell exists.

At this point, I’m pretty much 99.8 percent certain that if the establishment wasn’t around, I probably would’ve starved to death halfway through my junior year. There were weeks - weeks, I say - when the franchises’ cheesy bean and rice burritos and potato tacos were the only form of warm food that entered my body, and only their seven layer burritos and Mountain Dew Baja Blast slurp cups stood between me and certain death (probably, from some Pop-Tart related illness.) As a vegetarian (the GOOD kind, not the kind that’s all preachy about it), it’s pretty much the only fast food eatery I can walk into and KNOW that I will walk away with something quasi-digestible - and since there’s at least one or two new products being unveiled every month or so, there’s ALWAYS a reason for me to stop by and check out their latest offerings.

Indeed, when Taco Bell unveils a new product, it’s something of a mini-holiday for my generation. And seeing as how the franchise has knocked it out of the park with its last few menu annexations, I definitely had high hopes when I heard about the chain’s new “cantina menu.”

Right off the bat, the big Internet hubbub is that the menu is nothing more than a rip-off of the Chipotle Mexican Grill line-up. The thing is (and man, am I going to be losing some street cred here), I’ve never actually had anything from Chipotle before, so whatever criticism you’ll hear from defenders of that chain, I just can’t respond to. Secondly, I don’t know a damn thing about Lorena Garcia (apparently, she’s some sort of TV chef that helped design the products), so I can’t really say anything about her or her influence on the new items, either.

For my trial run, I decided to pick up one of the Veggie Cantina Burritos and the Veggie Cantina Bowl. If I had known that the chain also offers Cantina Tacos, I would’ve picked up one of those as well, but alas…that’s just the way fate works itself out.

Both of the items were rather expensive for Taco Bell stand-alones (after taxes, you’ll be plopping down $5 for both offerings,) but you can vouch for a meal package that includes a soft drink and some nachos and guacamole that, I suppose, makes it a more frugal experience. For all of you health-conscious folks out there, take note  that these things are pretty damn heavy, calorie-wise; the Cantina Bowl will run you almost 600 calories, while the burrito is pushing about 800. And remember; these are the VEGGIE versions we are talking about here, so if you load your entrée with steak or chicken, you could easily be stretching this thing out to an easy 1,000 plus calorie meal.

There really isn’t too much to say about the Cantina Veggie Bowl. The rice is definitely richer than the stuff you’ll find in most Taco Bell items, and the corn and guacamole actually tasted flavorful (which is weird, because I’ve grown to sorta’ like that “thawed-out paste” flavor that most of the restaurant’s products have). The key variable in the bowl was the inclusion of a very nice chipotle sauce, which is totally different than the kind they use on their veggie burritos. There was some sour cream sauce in there too, but the thing was definitely lacking in cheese content. The lettuce tasted like, well, lettuce, and the Southwestern-style beans were had a nice, spicy texture to them, which is something you really don’t get with anything else on the Taco Bell menu. Overall, the dish reminded me a lot of a similar rice bowl item offered by Moe’s Southwest Grill - albeit, the chipotle sauce here makes this one a markedly superior item, in my humblest of opinions.

The Veggie Cantina Burrito, as expected, was pretty freaking huge. Clearly, the company is using a different formula for its tortillas, as it tasted like nothing I had ever had at a Taco Bell before. For those of you accustomed to the restaurant’s “Play-Doh” tortillas, this crisp, lightly roasted wrap will definitely prove something of a mini-surprise, although at the end of the day, I still think I prefer that old mushy tortillas to this variation.

The interior of the Veggie Cantina Burrito was pretty much everything you would find in one of the chain’s Veggie Cantina Bowls, only with a distinct lack of the chipotle sauce that made the latter product such a remarkable gustatory sensation. That’s not to say that the burrito is bad by any means - in fact, it’s a really, really damn good item, just one that I believe would be improved by the suggested addition.

As far as the other aspects of the menu goes, it’s sort of a mixed bag. Apparently, the “Cantina Bell” line-up is one that is drastically devoid of cheese, which is most definitely a bad, bad thing. In fact, the entire time I was chowing down on my meal, I couldn’t help but feel as if something very, very important was missing - and although the smokier rice and tastier produce is a nice addition, the subtraction here seems to have a heftier impact than any of the pros the items have going for them. And although I’m pretty sure it was just an isolated mix-up (or at least, I really hope it was), the “nachos” doled out at my visit seemed to have been the kind of the cinnamon variety. Needless to say, “cinnamon and guacamole” isn’t exactly the next “peanut butter and chocolate,” either.

All in all, it’s really hard to make a final verdict regarding the products. While they are definitely very good and flavorful (certainly, they taste unlike anything else you’ll find at the Bell), there are more than few marks against it, including some notable ingredient skimping (burritos should be required by law to be drowning in shredded Colby and green jalapeno sauce, as far as I am concerned) a pretty steep price and the positively absurd calorie-count entailed.

I guess my biggest complaint is a rather weird one: it just doesn’t taste enough LIKE Taco Bell for my liking. Maybe it’s because there’s a distinct lack of seasoning, or the texture of the tortillas is different, or perhaps something way more intricate and complex is going on, but I’m just not getting that “Taco Bell Taste” from the offerings. It’s no doubt a good line-up, but it’s not exactly what you’d expect out of a typical Taco Bell product. As before, that certainly has some good attached to it, but at the end of the day, I’d much, much rather have something a tad more Loco on my plate, wouldn’t you?

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