The Rocktagon Recap of UFC 212: Aldo vs. Holloway!

Missed the latest and greatest Ultimate Fighting Championship PPV spectacle? No problem - our industry-leading coverage will fill you in on absolutely everything you missed.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo___X

Good evening, godless sodomites! Tonight we're gonna' be callin' UFC 212: Aldo vs. Holloway LIVE(ish) from somewhere in Brazil, where apparently, Zika ain't nothin' to worry about too much no more. Hooray for global pandemics everybody forgets about after six months! Also, because I prolly want have the time nor space to bring it up later in the evening, did you know that Brazil imported 5 million slaves from Africa from 1501 to 1866, when the U.S. barely imported 400,000 during that same timeframe? Yep - just something to think about the next time you go to one of those "red-green" all-you-can-eat Brazilian steakhouses - you fucking slavemaster supporter, you. 

Anyhoo, calling the shots down there in Rio tonight are Jon Anik, Brian Stann and Dominick Cruz. Dominick tells us Holloway has a big chip on his shoulder, but ever the substandard broadcast journalist, he never tells us what flavor. They also talk about the wimmens co-main, but eh, like anybody gives a shit about that. And - surprise! - the fuckin' Brazilians haven't adopted the new unified rules, either. Of course those Portuguese-speaking motherfuckers wouldn't - we all knew they wouldn't.

Welterweight Bout

Erick Silva (19-7-0-1) vs. Yancy Medeiros (13-4-0-1)

Silva's been fighting in the UFC since 2011, having accumulated a 7-6 record in the Octagon. Meanwhile, Medeiros has been a UFC staple since 2013, collecting a 5-4 record since over the last four years. Interestingly, both fighters are coming of victories by rear naked choke submission ... you know, not that such would be a spoiler for this fight or anything ...

Despite the Hispanic-sounding name, Yancy is actually Hawaiian. Silva has a quasi-emo haircut and comes out to some symphonic sounding rappity-rap hip-hop music. Michael Buffer then speaks in Portuguese before doing the formal introductions in English and it sounds iffy as fuck. LOL at Yancy repeatedly screaming "I love you, Hawaii."

Are the fans chanting "whoomp, there it is?" Because it totally sounds like that, for sure. Yancy with a kick to the body. Silva whiffs on a body kick. Then he whiffs on a high kick. Yancy drops Silva and he hits him with some hard shots on the mat. Silva gets back up and (mostly) avoids another barrage of punches on his feet. Silva lands a leg kick. Silva blocks a spinning back fist from Yancy. Silva with a solid body kick. And another spinning back kick. Yancy responds with a heavy right jab. Silva with another hard leg kick. Yancy lands a shitty leg kick of his own. Silva blasts his ankle again. Silva tags Yancy with a left jab a few seconds before the round concludes and all them Brazilians go ker-razy. 

Round two. Both these niggaz just throwing everything they got to begin. Silva whiffs on a spinning crescent kick. And there's Silva with a hard leg kick. Silva lands a right on Yancy's chin. He then rattles off two on Yancy's clavicle, of all things. AND YANCY UNCORKS A HUGE LEFT HOOK AND DROPS SILVA'S ASS LIKE A SACK OF YAMS! Yancy rattles off a few shots on the ground and the ref waves it off. Well, that finish came out of nowhere, didn't it?

The official time is 2:01. In the post-fight, Yancy says something in Portuguese and the fans chant what I am pretty sure is the Brazilian equivalent of the Anglo-Saxon "bullshit." He then cuts a kinda' rhyming outro about having a "lot of pep in his step" but the fans have no idea what he's talking about and don't react at all and it's fucking embarrassing.

Hey, Shogun Rua is in the house! Don't laugh now, but that dude is prolly only about two or three fights away from competing for the 205-pound title. That ... pretty much tells you everything you need to know about the quality of the Light Heavyweight division nowadays.

Because a sharp toenail to the eye is practically the same thing as bringing an icepick into the Octagon.

Middleweight Bout

Paulo Borrachinha (9-0-0-0) vs. Oluwale Bamgbose (6-2-0-0)

Paulo is undefeated in his pro fighting career, registering his first UFC victory in March with a TKO win over Garreth McLellan. Bamgbose - whose parents apparently named him by throwing silverware down the stairs - is 1-2 in UFC competition, having last dropped an "L" to Cezar Ferreira in April 2006. So, yeah, why the UFC thought this was a better fight to put on the main card than Marlon Moraes vs. Raphael Assuncao is beyond me, folks.

Oluwale prays at the entrance ramp. He's billed from the Bronx even though he's clad in a Nigerian flag. He also has one of the best worst nicknames in the history of MMA - "Holy War Angel." He also comes out to what I am fairly certain is contemporary Christian guitar-rock ... and fucking sings along to it. And he keeps singing while the cornerman forces him to clip his big toenail. Holy shit, this dude is automatically my new favorite fighter. Anik says lots of people in Brazil are "wicked excited" about Paulo, then Stann praises him for working with poor children in the favelas. 

Bam with a huge body shot. He nearly falls down delivering a leg kick. He shoots for a takedown. And he lands it. Bam tries to get his back, but Paulo shakes him off. Both men standing and swinging in the middle now. Paulo throws a jab and literally falls flat on his face. Paulo chases him down and lands a huge kick to Bam's body. PAULO FUCKING UNLOADS A BARRAGE OF PUNCHES, KNEES AND HIGH KICKS FOR A SOLID MINUTE BUT BAM STILL DOESN'T GO DOWN. Now Bam is shooting for another takedown. Paulo slowly gets back to his feet while Bam throws the fattest, slowest, most tired punches you've ever seen in your life as the round expires.

Round two. Bam is gassed as fuck. Paulo chases him down. Bam throws a kick and slips on his ass. Paulo hops on him and hits him a million billion times and the ref says "that's enough beating up the black man, thank you very much."

A fucking dominant display from the now 10-0 Brazilian. The official time was 1:06. His translator says he wants to fight a top 10 middleweight next. Yeah, I'd say he's ready, alright.

Hey, Miesha Tate is in the audience! Damn, that girl's eyes are so narrow she makes Renee Zellwegger look like a fuckin' anime character.

No matter how chill you are, you will never give less of a fuck about your job than this guy.

Middleweight Bout

Vitor Belfort (25-13-0-0) vs. Nate Marquardt (38-16-3-0)

Purportedly, this is the final match for "the Phenom," who has been walloping skulls for a living since freakin' UFC 12. The 40-year-old living legend - the beneficiary of an overturned knockout loss in his last bout 'cause Kelvin Gastelum couldn't stop hisself from smokin' dat chiba - goes toe-to-toe with another dude who has to be *this* close to calling it quits, Nate "The Great" Marquardt, whose last battle in the Octagon resulted in a decision loss to Sam Alvey last January. Yeah, I can't believe this is a PPV match in the year 2017, either.

LOL at Jon Anik bringing up that time Nate knocked out Tyron Woodley. And I can't tell you how disappointed I am Belfort doesn't have the faux-hawk anymore.

Belfort, of course, gets a huge pop. Both guys hesitant to engage early. "Ole" chants piping up already. Holy shit, Belfort hasn't gone to a decision since 2007. Nate with a beautiful leg trip takedown. Nate with shoulder butts in bunches. The ref stands 'em up. BTW, this ref has the most amazing resting bitch face of all-time. Nate with a front kick to the sternum. Nate with a few more solid jabs. Belfort lands a head kick just as the bell sounds.

Round two. Nate with a good combo and a kick to the midsection. Belfort lands a head kick and then he fucks Nate up good with a flurry against the cage. Still, Nate survives. Belfort with a leg kick. Nate with a front kick to the sternum, but Vitor blocks it. Nate with several kicks to the body. Vitor bleeding underneath his eye now. Holy shit, Nate's attempted knee strike is the worst thing you've ever seen. Nate lands a few pillow-soft shots and that's the end of the round. 

Round three. Going into this 'un I've got it 19-19. Vitor obviously looking for the counterpunch now. Nate with more leg kicks. Two minutes to go. Not a lot happening at all. Belfort with a head kick, then a hard jab. Belfort with another head kick. Nate's face looks all messed up now. And Jack Shit happens in the last ten seconds. I've got it 29-28 for Belfort.

And yep, it's 29-28 across the board for Belfort. In the post-fight he says he has at least five fights left in him. Welp, I guess all the "retirement" stuff was blown out of proportion, then.

Jessica Andrade is in the crowd. Just pretend you care, OK? And oh fuck, KAZUSHI SAKURABA IS GOING TO BE IN THE UFC HALL OF FAME! Naturally, Cruz immediately compares him to Bruce Lee and starts talking about how he wished they still had 90 minute matches.

Strawweight Bout

Claudia Gadelha (13-2-0-0) vs. Karolina Kowalkiewicz (10-1-0-0)

Whoever wins this one is pretty much guaranteed the honor of getting her ass kicked by Joanna Jedrzejczyk later this year (fun fact: the current UFC Women's Strawweight Champion has already bested these two women in earlier competition - she beat Gadelha twice in just two years and beat Karolina at UFC 205 last November, plus in her first amateur bout in 2012.) So, what's the point of this bout again? Oh yeah - gender equality or some shit. Almost forgot.

Karolina comes out to "The Passenger" by Iggy Pop. Not one of his better songs, to be honest. Claudia comes out to some Eurotrash sweaty sex music. Hey, did you know she has the most takedowns in the history of the UFC's Women's Strawweight Division? Well, you do now, Holmes.

Karolina is just sitting there with her legs crossed against the cage. Meanwhile, Claudia has cornrows and looks like one soured broad. Oh hell, I can't tell either of these hos apart. Claudia with a double underhook and she gets the takedown. She's got Karolina's back. She sinks in the rear naked choke, and Karolina TAPS.

The official time of the submission was 3:03. Claudia says she's a new fighter and "it's going to be fucking hard to beat me, man." Now she's going to move to New Mexico, get a nice car and a fancy dog. And on that note, who wants a promo for UFC 213? Hey now - don't all ya'll raise your hands at once.

Maybe by the time he's 40, Jose Aldo will manage to complete that goatee he's been working on since WEC 34.

UFC Featherweight Championship Bout

Jose Aldo (26-2-0-0) vs. Max Holloway (17-3-0-0)

Since the UFC made Conor McGregor give up the 145 pound belt he never defends anyway, they turned around and gifted it to Jose Aldo, despite the fact Max Holloway was already holding on to the company's interim Featherweight Championship. So what we've got here are two people who never beat the guy who actually held the championship belt last battling to unify the vacated proper title and an interim belt. So this is essentially like one of those third place matches in the World Cup where the two teams that got bounced in the semifinals pretend to be enthusiastic about never being the real champions. Except with flying knees to the face, which I suppose makes it slightly more palatable ...

Holloway comes out to a mash-up of Drake and some Hawaiian folk music. And as always, Aldo comes out to "Run This Town," which is my favorite song with quacking ducks in the background, and it isn't even close.

Shit, I'm just going to say it - both these guys look like Mexican drug runners. Both guys extremely cautious in the opening round. That's codeword for "they ain't doing shit," in case you weren't in the loop. Aldo with a huge left hook and a big barrage up against the cage, complete with a jumping knee to the face. Alas, Holloway weathers the storm. There's some good punching with a minute to go, with both men exchanging body kicks as the bell sounds.

Round two. Aldo with a good uppercut. Then he connects on a solid 1-2 combo. And then an even better one. Aldo with a hard left jab. Holloway finally lands a combo. Holloway delivers a big right. Now these two are just swinging, and it's fucking rad. Aldo has a big hematoma growing out of the side of his head. Now Holloway is dropping his hands and TAUNTING Aldo like Anderson Silva. Aldo goes for a flurry as the bell sounds, but not too much connects.

Round three. Surprisingly, Aldo isn't throwing any leg kicks. Looks like he's trying to head hunt now. Both fighters slugging it out again, but it's a stalemate. HOLLOWAY DROPS ALDO! Holloway dropping bombs on his ass, and he has Aldo's back. Holloway on top again. He switches to Aldo's back. He pounds the shit out of BOTH sides of Aldo's skull AND THE REF STOPS IT!

Fans are crying in the stands and you can hear a pin drop. This is so fucking great. 

The official time was 4:13. In the post-fight, Max thanks his lord and savior Jesus Christ and demands Dana White send him a $50,000 check. Also, I never realized how much this motherfucker sounds like PaRappa the Rapper - it's downright eerie, actually. Aldo didn't get much mic time, because mic time is for WINNERS and he's a big fat LOSER and should feel bad about himself losing in his own backyard for a long time to come. Hey - it's your own fault for refusing to throw any leg kicks, nigga.

Yeah ... I'd be crying like a bitch, too, if I had to live in Rio.

SO, WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? Max Holloway vs. Frankie Edgar is pretty much the only sensible thing for the UFC to do with the Featherweight Championship, although I could potentially see Cub Swanson stepping in as a substitution if "The Answer" is sidelined by injuries. It's probably a bit premature to see Jose Aldo is "done," and considering his legacy, he'll probably be in an automatic title eliminator in his next bout - probably against Ricardo Lamas or the aforementioned Cub Swanson. Claudia Gadelha is practically a lock for next in line to challenge for Joanna Jedrzejczyk's belt, but there is an off-chance she's handed Rose Namajunas or Jessica Andrade in a title eliminator. Vitor Belfort ain't quite in the Middleweight Championship fray, but if he really does have five fights left on his contract, it would be nice to see him take on a truly formidable challenger, like Krzysztof Jotko or even Anderson Silva next. And lastly, this Paulo Borrachinha kid looks like he is for real. If he wants a top ten Middleweight to tussle with, I say give him one - either Derek Brunson or David Branch being my two preferred picks.

THE VERDICT: For a show with practically zero expectations, I thought it over-delivered. All of the main card fights sans one had really good finishes, and the undercard was pretty entertaining, too. It didn't really have any "fight of the year" candidates or any MMA moments that will stick with you for a lifetime, but it certainly wasn't boring and certainly kept your attention all night long. All in all, I'd chalk it up as a better than average PPV, and a nigh-miracle considering how crappy the card looked on paper. 

SHOW HIGHLIGHT: Aldo vs. Holloway was on pace to be a bona fide FOTY contender until Holloway, you know, decided to just beat Aldo's ass ragged. But hey - that shit was grade-A entertainment as well.

SHOW LOWLIGHT: The Belfort vs. Marquardt match was the MMA equivalent of the PGA Senior circuit - slow, lethargic and filled with less action than a Merchant Ivory production.

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: "Don't mistake her kindness for weakness" - Joe Anik on what he perceived to be Karolina K.'s timidity. 

FIVE THINGS I LEARNED FROM WATCHING TONIGHT'S SHOW:

• Clavicle boxing is a surprisingly effective set-up for a knockout jab.
• Shaving a cross into the back of your skull just gives your opponent an easier target to whale on.
• Even at 40 years old, getting into a fire fight with Vitor Belfort is really, really fuckin' stupid. 
• You've done a lot of dumb things in your life, but none of them are probably as dumb as giving Claudia Gadelha easy access to your back while you're trying to get off the floor.
• Nope - even having a full mustache for the first time in your life won't save you from getting KTFO.

Well, that's all I've got for you this week. Crank up "I Don't Wanna Be Me" by Type O Negative and "I'm Alive" by Johnny Thunder and I'll be seeing you back at the cage in just a few...

Read More

The Rocktagon Recap of UFC 211: Miocic vs. dos Santos 2!

Can't afford the PPV, or has yet another DUI prevented you from driving to the sports bar to enjoy the fighting festivities? No worries, amigo - our LIVE(ish) play-by-play will keep you in the know all night long.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo___X

Well, it's been quite some time since we've had a PPV line-up this stacked. Really, every single main card bout on tonight's show is at least worthy of the top spot on a UFC on Fox card, and on paper, it looks like every single match on the docket should be well-matched, extremely competitive contests. Then again, we've said that plenty of times before, too, and what do you know, the show's ended up sucking like a whore on her last dollar. THAT SAID, I guess it's only reasonable we would be excited about the evening's itinerary. After all, we do have both the company's largest and smallest weight class championships on the line, with three undercard bouts that, feasibly, could all be considered possible title eliminator matches (except for the last second sub we got for the Henry Cejudo/Sergio Pettis match. LOL, fuck that noise.) With that in mind, I reckon it's safe to go on ahead and be cautiously optimistic about the show. I mean, it's not like any of us are actually PAYING to watch it, so eh ... what's the loss? 

As always, we'll be calling this shindig (kinda' sorta) live as it happens. We'll start doing regular updates at 10 p.m., with live updates posted between every round. If you're looking for the fastest coverage of UFC 211 on the Internet, I'm pretty sure we're beating all those motherfuckers at Sherdog and ESPN. And unlike turds and twats like Davey Meltzer or whoever else he's probably not paying to do UFC recaps for him, we're actually funny and entertaining. So what are you waiting for? Go on ahead and bookmark this shit and tell all your Facebook bed buddies that we're offering this crucial service free of charge Saturday night. Hey - you owe it to us, and yourselves. 

NOTE: Because I have a life outside of providing you people free-of-charge, live commentary on UFC events, there's a pretty good chance (read: 100 percent chance) I won't be around for the entire show, or may suddenly vanish from my commentary duties for upwards of a half hour at a time. That in mind, whatever I DON'T get around to covering live tonight I will go back and fill-in the morning after, along with a few other post-event thoughts. So don't fret too much, you neurotic little fuck, you.

Jon Anik, Joe Rogan and Daniel Cormier are calling the action LIVE from Dallas. Rogan considers this "a juicy card" and goes on and on about how excited he is for everything except the curtain jerker. Oh, and just so you know, Texas hasn't adopted the new unified rules, so the refs will probably have no idea what's legal or what isn't.

Middleweight Bout

Krzysztfof Jotko (19-1-0-0) vs. David Branch (20-3-0-0)

Well, we're getting this as a "you've got to pay for it match-up" because Henry Cejudo hurt himself jacking off (probably, I don't kn0w for sure) and his possible title eliminator against Sergio Pettis got canceled. Jotko the Pollock has - believe it or not - been fighting in the UFC for close to four years now, having racked up a 6-1 record including a surprising decision victory over Thales Leites last November. Branch is making his long (as in, six years in the making) return to the UFC, having spent the last five years of his career going 10-0 in World Series of Fighting bouts against wash-ups like Yushin Okami and Paulo "Crack Cocaine Smokes Me" Filho. You might remember Branch from that one time he literally Rock Bottomed Gerald Harris half to death at UFC 116. In fact, that's pretty much the ONLY thing you can remember him for, unless you want to count having one of the shittiest fights of all-time against Tomasz Drwal, or that one time he got knee-barred by Rousaimir "Crystal Meth Is Trying To Quit Me" Palhares. Which, yeah, you definitely don't.

Holy shit, Branch has facial hair just like Joe Dirt. Cormier says he loves his new hairdo. Please note: Branch is currently bald. Also, I love how Rogan keeps talking about Branch's success outside the UFC without referring to any competing brands. Meanwhile, Jotko comes out to some 1980s Eurotrash synth-shit that sounds like something a dude named Raoul would've fucked to 34 years ago.

Jotko keeping his distance. Branch whiffs on a high kick. Jotko throws a kick, Branch grabs his leg and secures a takedown. Branch cracks him with a left hand in the open guard. Branch with more elbows. Jotko trying to push his way out, but Branch isn't giving him any breathing room. Branch has Jotko smushed up against the cage. Branch with a hard elbow shot. Branch stomps on Jotko's foot in the clinch. Now Jotko lands a takedown. Branch is back up and Jotko is grinding him out against the cage. Looks like Branch may have gotten away with a free groin shot. The crowd is booing the inaction. Pretty hard to pick a winner there, but I'd give the slight 10-9 advantage to Branch.

Round two. Jotko bullies Branch against the cage. Jotko with a beautiful spinning back fist, but it doesn't too much to stun his foe. Jotko clips him again. Branch starting to chase him down. "Come on guys, let's engage" the ref yells. Branch lands a huge takedown, but Jotko is right back up. Jotko literally slaps Branch upside his head. "That referee is easily influenced," Rogan comments. Jotko barely misses on a wheel kick. Jotko fakes on a knee and gets one more solid shot before the bell sounds. 19-19 in my book.

Round three. Branch begins by whiffing on two kicks in a row. Branch lands a leg kick. Branch blocks a high kick. Yep, this fight is a snoozer, all right. Branch pushes Jotko up against the cage. Jotko is the most gassed Pole since ... ooo, probably shouldn't follow through on that one. Branch with a takedown. Branch looking for a D'arce choke. Jotko is out and now he's looking to take Branch down. Less than a minute to go. Nobody is connecting on anything. And we end it with Branch crushing Jotko up against the cage again. 29-28 for Branch, if you polled me.

29-28 split decision win for David Branch. Welp, that nigga's headed back to WSOF.

Donald Cerrone and Robbie Lawler are both in the house. And so is Demi Lovato. One of those three, I would fuck. Go ahead, take a guess which one.

Featherweight Bout

Frankie Edgar (20-5-1) vs. Yair Rodriguez (11-1-0-0)

Now I ain't no fortune teller, but I'd venture to guess whoever wins this bout will prolly take on the winner of the Jose Aldo/Max Holloway bout next month for the 145-pound strap sometime before the calendar year is up (an aside, but why is it always "the calendar year?" Does anybody else out there run on a fiscal year personal schedule, or that Chinese lunar new year bullshit?) All asides, uh, aside, this should be a pretty good li'l match-up. Both of these scrappy mofos are all about the action, and it'll be interesting to see if Yair's fancy footwork (he did kick B.J. Penn into a temporary coma earlier this year, after all) is enough to penetrate and surmount Frankie's notoriously difficult striking  defense. Yeah, it's cliched as shit, but this really is one of those "immovable objects meets irresistible force" type of fights; and since those are only rarely terrible (and even when they're horrible, they're still interesting, at least) odds are this 'un ought to be a hell of a little contest.

Yair comes out to some mariachi music and everybody cheers because there are a lot of Mexicans in Dallas, probably. Edgar runs to the cage, as always. I think his music is Biggie, but it could be LL Cool J. Or the Beastie Boys. Or some combination thereof.

BTW, you're supposed to pronounce it like "Yaw-Ear." Our referee is a really fat bald dude. We're talking one with some serious pack-of-hotdogs-neck syndrome. Edgar literally chases Yair down and shoots for a takedown. Yair doing a good job defending it. Edgar lands it. Now he's just trying to smother Yair. Frankie raining down some SOLID shots now. Loud "Frankie" chants now. Edgar lands several hard elbows. Edgar covers his foe's mouths while he's punching him in the face. Fuckin' brutal, man. Edgar is just UNLOADING on the motherfucker. Frankie may have landed 100 shots already. Definitely 10-9 for Edgar, maybe even a 10-8.

Round two. Looks like Yair's eye has completely swollen shut. Edgar connects on a good combo. Edgar SLAMS his ass hard. Yair trying to get a desperation leg lock. Edgar hammering him but Yair isn't letting go. Now Edgar is punching the shit out of his face. Yair loses the leg. Edgar is in the full mount. Edgar switches to his foe's back. Edgar smashing Yair with elbows and punches. Monstrous "Frankie" chant now. "This is like Cub Swanson 2," Rogan comments. Thirty seconds to go. Edgar just folds him up like an accordion and lands a few more shots for good measure. 20-18 for Edgar for sure, but it could be 20-17.

Well, one look at Yair's eye and the doctors say "nope, that's the end of this shit." The ref waves it off before the third round even begins. In the post-fight Frankie sends a shout-out to a training partner whose infant son recently died. He says he's game for another fight against Aldo or Holloway. Yeah, he's DEFINITELY going to get the next shot at the Featherweight championship. There's no way he doesn't after a performance like that. 

Demetrious Johnson kisses his white wife while Amanda Nunes kisses her white girlfriend. Also, Michael Irving is in attendance. No word on whether or not he brought his beloved crack cocaine with him, though.

Hey, Joe Silva is being added to the UFC Hall of Fame. That makes so much sense, I can't think of anything funny or smart-assy to say about it.

Welterweight Bout

Demian Maia (24-6-0-0) vs. Jorge Masvidal (32-11-0-0)

Oh, sweet cheese on a cracker, this ought to be a sight to behold. Nowadays, you don't really get that many awesome-looking grappling contests, and this might just be the best fight-of-the-like the UFC is capable of giving us at the moment. Masvidal is a world-class ground fighter who - as apparent by his shocking TKO of Donald Cerrone earlier this year - is also dangerous as all fuck on his feet. Riding a six fight win streak with victories over Carlos Condit and Matt Brown, there's a very good argument to be made that Demian Maia is the absolute BEST pure BJJ fighter in the UFC right now - and as history has shown us, this Masvidal kid sure is prone to wacky submission finishes. Admittedly, bouts like this prolly don't appeal too much to the casual, head-hunting knockouts-are-the-only-thing-that-matters crowd, but for technical snobs such as myself, this really ought to be a scientific clinic for the ages. Well, that, or maybe one of these niggas gets knocked out cold a minute in. Either way, don't expect me to do much complaining.

Fuck, Masvidal LITERALLY comes out to the opening theme from Scarface. Meanwhile, Maia comes out to Linkin Park, because hey, taste don't account for nothing no more. An aside, sorta, but I want all of you to know that I LOVE Daniel Cormier on commentary.

Maia shoots for a takedown. He gets Jorge down, but he's right back up. Maia with a leg trip takedown. Maia with ANOTHER takedown. He's got a standing body triangle on Masvidal. Maia just teeing off on Masvidal, waiting for him to fuck up so he can slip in a joke. "This is like watching a snake trying to swallow its prey," Rogan says. Two minutes to go. Masvidal tries to shake off Maia. No dice. Masvidal lands on top and he's punching the shit out of Maia. And that's the round. 10-9 for Maia, although Masvidal had a good flurry there at the end.

Round two.  Timeout to cut some of Masvidal's loose wrist tape. Masvidal stuffs a takedown attempt. Masvidal connects on a head kick. Masvidal with leg kicks. Maia grabs hold of Masvidal's leg. Maia sprawls and now Masvidal is in the half guard. Masvidal looking for an anaconda choke, of all things. Maia working his way towards the full guard. He transitions back to the half guard. Masvidal trying to get back up. Maia has his back. One minute left in the round. Maia has Masvidal's back on the ground. Maia appears to be looking for a choke. He just tees off on on his foe as the bell sounds. 20-18 Maia, I see it.

Round three. Jorge with a high kick to begin, then a hard inside leg kick. Masvidal with another head kick and a solid jab. "This is where you need educate judges," says Rogan. Maia squashes Masvidal's flying knee attempt. Masvidal with another high kick. Maia lands the takedown. Maia ALMOST has a rear naked choke locked in. He loses it. Maia with a body triangle on the ground. Ninety seconds left. Maia with some pillow hand fists as Masvidal talks mad shit in the guard. Maia ends the fight by clubbing Masvidal a few more times from the back. 30-27 for Maia in my scorecard.

And it's a 29-28 split decision win for ... Demian Maia. In the post-fight, he says that he's fighting Tyron Woodley for the Welterweight Championship next. 

Women's Strawweight Championship Bout

Joanna Jedrzejczyk (13-0-0) vs. Jessica Andrade (16-5-0-0)

According to Wikipedia, you're supposed to pronounce it like "Yo-anna-nah Yed-dre-check." Shit, why the Pollocks love them silent "z" sounds is just beyond me, folks. Anyhoo, I'm not really a fan of the women fighting, and I'm definitely not a fan of the 115 pound women fighting unless it's over who gets to blow me first. So what would you rather listen to, kids: me trying to feign interest in just another throwaway women's bout that's probably going to take up a good 40 minutes of valuable PPV air-time that would be better served by three or four hyper-violent freak show fights, or me just jokingly saying some kind of misogynistic, xenohpobic things and then we each carry on our merry respective ways? Yeah, a good choice, pal. A VERY good choice.

Andrade comes out to some sort of, I don't know, Brazilian techno dance music or something. And Joanna actually gets a surprisingly big pop when she comes out. But damn, that broad looks downright skeletal. Both fighters have cornrows, but Andrade only has hair on one side of her face. Yeah, this shit is going to be confusing as hell to call.

Leg kicks exchanged early. Jessica with two heavy shots in a row. There actually is a pretty big height discrepancy in this one. Jessica slams her ass to the ground. Joanna has a nasty welt on her forehead. Joanna back up. She's throwing some hard knees and clips that ho with an elbow. Joanna with a great head kick, but Jessica shakes it off. More leg kicks exchanged. Jessica with a HUGE single leg takedown and Joanna with a hard elbow to end the round. Very, very hard to score, but I'd call it 10-9 for Jessica.

Round two. Joanna with a million billion leg kicks. Jessica trying to chase her down, but Joanna is keeping here at bay with short range kicks. Jessica isn't even trying to check those kicks anymore. Joanna basically playing matador at this point. Joanna has 59 strikes landed at this point. Joanna with a BEAUTIFUL jab. Jessica with another takedown, but Joanna is right back up. Joanna kicks her right upside the head. Joanna with two huge jabs and then Jessica clobbers her with a hard shot of her own. Great fight thus far. 19-19 heading into the third.

Round three. Surprise! Joanna with more leg kicks to begin. Joanna connects on a head kick. Joanna blocks the takedown attempt. She already has more than 100 significant strikes in this fight. And there's another solid kick to the face. Jessica throwing like crazy, hoping to land something. Joanna with a great counter jab. Jessica ducks Joanna's spinning kick. Try as she may, Jessica can't do shit to hit the defending champ. 29-28 Joanna.

Round four. Joanna lands a hard head kick. Jessica has slowed down considerably at this point. Joanna with a good combo. Joanna ROCKS her with a straight jab. Jessica eats a knee on a takedown attempt. Joanna with knees to the midsection. Jessica gets the takedown, but - as expected - Joanna pops right back up. One minute to go in the round. Joanna pops her again with a straight jab. And another. Jessica with a late offensive flurry but hardly anything at all connects. 39-37 Joanna.

Round five. Jessica's gotta' finish Joanna to win this fight. Jessica throwing wild looping hooks. Nothing connects. Joanna back to playing matador. Joanna with a kick to the chest. Yeah, take that boobies! That's 190 significant strikes for Joanna in this fight. Jessica finally lands a good shot, but Joanna just shakes it off like it ain't no thang. Jessica pushing forward with a minute left. Joanna bullies Jessica up against the cage as the horn sounds. 49-46 Joanna, if I was deciding it.

50-45, 50-44 and 50-45 for the defending champ. In the post-fight, she says nobody is taking the belt from her. Meanwhile, Jessica says a bunch of stuff in Portuguese while rocking a giant scar under her eye. Her translator lets us know she wants to propose to her girlfriend. Joe Rogan's lack of giving a shit is just top fucking shelf.  

Heavyweight Championship Bout

Stipe Miocic (16-2-0-0) vs. Junior dos Santos (18-4-0-0)

This isn't the first time these two dudes have squared off. They tangoed once before in December 2014, in a fight dos Santos won by decision. Since then, the former UFC champ has gone 1-1 in the UFC, getting knocked out by Alistair Overeem in 2015 but manhandling Ben Rothwell en route to a five round decision victory last year. Meanwhile, Miocic has gone on not only a four fight winning streak but a four fight finishing streak, having knocked out Mark Hunt, Andrei Arlovski, Fabricio Werdum and the Reem in succession. Along the way Miocic picked himself up the UFC Heavyweight gold, and needless to say, a very, VERY battle-ravaged dos Santos is keenly aware this might be his last chance to wrap the title around his waist. So, will Stipe collect his fifth consecutive knockout in the UFC's largest weight class tonight, or will the Brazilian veteran score a championship comeback for the ages? Well, I reckon that's why we fight inside the Octagon instead of on-paper, ain't it?

Junior comes out to the theme from Rocky. Wow, he looks way thinner than I remember. And also ... a lot whiter, too. Huh. Miocic, being the defending champ at all, gets the lights out treatment. He comes out, rather stoically, to some very shitty sounding rap music. "He's a walk-in-the-park killer," Rogan declares.

Junior with a leg kick to begin. And another. Stipe chasing him down and swinging like crazy. Stipe is limping already. Stipe with a leg kick of his own. Miocic with several left hands. Stipe tags Junior twice. Stipe with a hard right up against the cage, dos Santos goes down, Stipe unloads on his corpse and the ref waves this one off.

The official time is 2:22 of the very first round. In the post-fight, he refers to the city of Dallas as "bad ass" and wishes his mama a great Mother's Day. He also says something about redoing his kitchen, but good luck deciphering all of it. And LOL, Junior dos Santos doesn't get any mic time. Sucks to be him, don't it?

SO, WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? In an ideal world, Stipe Miocic's next title defense would be this fall against Cain Velasquez. Alas, as injury prone as "The Terminator" is, odds are Miocic - if he isn't sidelined by a nasty ankle injury himself - will most likely do battle with the winner of the upcoming Fabricio Werdum/Alistair Overeem bout at UFC 213 sometime around October or November. Joanna Champion really demonstrated her divisional dominance tonight; although the winner of the upcoming Claudia Gadelha/Karolina Kowalkiewicz fight is probably going to get the next title shot, I'd much prefer seeing Joanna defend her belt against Rose Namajunas next - or even better, try her hand at that newfangled 125-pound women's division. We all know Demian Maia is next in line for a crack at Tyron Woodley's title, but considering Jorge Masvidal's solid showing, I really wouldn't factor him out of the championship fray too quickly - I can easily see him taking on Stephen Thompson or the winner of Robbie Lawler/Donald Cerrone in a potential Welterweight title eliminator. There's no denying Frankie Edgar should be the next in line for a shot at the Featherweight championship, but methinks Yair Rodriguez will rebound from his loss a little bit better than most are projecting. Expect him to take on either Cub Swanson or Chan Sung Jung in his next UFC contest. 

SHOW HIGHLIGHT: You main card motherfuckers didn't catch it, but the undercard had two really awesome matches in Enrique Barzola vs. Gabriel Benitez and Chase Sherman vs. Rashad Coulter. Also, the Eddie Alvarez/Dustin Poirer fight was fucking awesome ... you know, up until the part missed a flagrant illegal knee and throw out the whole she-bang as a "no-contest." 

SHOW LOWLIGHT: Good lord, that Jotko/Branch fight was so bad even Scott Coker was kicking back going "man, you really shouldn't make people pay money for this shit."

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: "He'll choke you unconscious through your eyeballs" - Joe Rogan, on Demian Maia's submission skillz.

FIVE THINGS I LEARNED FROM TONIGHT'S SHOW:

• Referees really, really have a hard time determining whether or not a fighter has a knee or hand on the ground when getting their faces sandblasted off with patella shots.
• If you're going to fight World Series of Fighting style, expect to make World Series of Fighting money. 
• Instead of building a wall, we could curb illegal immigration by simply putting Frankie Edgar at the U.S./Mexico border.
• Most fighters have no idea what the hell to do if you spend an entire round forcing them to give you a piggyback ride.
• For fuck's sake, if you choose to put your back to the cage in a fight against Stipe Miocic, quite frankly, you've earned that inevitable concussion.

Well, that's all I've got for you this week. Crank up "Don't Look Back" by Luscious Jackson and "Drowning" by Hootie and the Blowfish and I'll be seeing you back at the cage in just a few...

Read More

Live Round-By-Round Coverage of UFC 202: Diaz vs. McGregor 2!

Keep refreshin' that browser folks ... we're going to keep you keyed into the most anticipated rematch of the year (and the undercard bouts, frankly, you couldn't give less of a damn about) all night long.

By: Jimbo X

JimboXAmerican@gmail.com

@Jimbo__X

This is what we sometimes like to call "the MMA re-do." You see, back in March, million-dollar UFC posterboy Conor McGregor was supposed to fight Rafael dos Anjos in a fight that would've possibly made him the first person in UFC history to hold two belts in two weight classes simultaneously. Alas, things went awry and dos Anjos pulled out of the bout just days before the PPV, so Dana White and company instead whipped together a 170 pound catchweight main event with McGregor moving up three weight classes to go toe-to-toe with Nate "I Try When I Want To" Diaz. The rest, as they say (who is "they," by the way?) is history: after McGregor drubbed Diaz for the first five minutes, he gassed hard, allowing Diaz the opportunity to start landing fist-burgers of his own before reversing Conor's ill-advised takedown attempt late in the second round into a rather-easy-looking rear naked choke submission victory. 

Needless to say, that is not the outcome the UFC wanted, nor probably expected. Their big breakout star was supposed to mop the cage with the younger Diaz, but oops, he got choked out instead. Even now, if you press your ear hard enough to the Western wind, you can hear the Fertitas lamenting just how much fucking money that fight cost them in the long haul. So what we got here at UFC 202 out in Las Vegas is a highly touted rematch, not cobbled together with hours to go before the PPV proper begins, but with ample time for both competitors to get their camps together and adequately prepare to do battle with one another. That first fight, the narrative goes, was a fluke. Now that both men had the time and the resources to get their shit together, whoever wins will definitely be considered the better overall fighter, and ain't no excuses going to cut it. 

So yeah, there is a lot of hype behind the main event at UFC 202, and considering the dynamic fighting styles of the headliners, we very well could have ourselves a war for the ages. Granted, the undercard isn't exactly the pinnacle of mixed martial arts, but we've still got Donald Cerrone and Anthony Johnson fighting, which usually means somebody is about to get hit in the head really, really hard regardless. Anyhoo, be sure to bookmark this page, as we'll begin our patented, one-of-a-kind, industry-standard-setting round-by-round coverage at 10 p.m., New York City time. And we ain't bullshitting about hitting the refresh button - this here blog is going to be updated faster than a Demetrious Johnson uppercut, with keen analysis and lighting-quick results posted before the blood even has time to dry on the canvas. 

And we are coming to you LIVE from the new hockey arena out in Vegas. As always, our hosts are Mike Goldberg (sporting a stupid Ryan Seacrest spiked hair gel unicorn hairdo) and Joe Rogan (who is sans hair, of any variety.)  

Rogan recounts the weigh-in shenanigans over the week, when McGregor tossed water bottles at Diaz. He says Conor's trash talk has no effect on Nate, because growing up with Nick made him naturally immune. No, really. 

Welterweight Bout

Tim Means (25-7-1-0) vs. Sabah Homasi (11-5-0-0)

Yes, the Sabah "The Punisher" Homasi is being featured on a PPV card people are expected to pay money to witness. If you're not familiar with Homasi or his opponent, long-time journeyman Tim Means, you don't need too much background, I reckon. Homasi was on TUF 21 and had literally one fight in Strikeforce, went 1-1 in Bellator and has largely been dicking around in the minor, minor leagues for the last two years. Means, on the other hand, has been fighting professionally since 2004, with notable UFC victories over such illustrious competitors as George Sullivan and Dhiego Lima. But, hey you never know: with the spotlight on them, they might just surprise all of us and roll out something that doesn't resemble wholly interchangeable, Fox Sports 1-caliber prelim ennui. Like I said, though, maybe.

Homasi comes out to "Without Me" but Eminem. Now Goldberg is telling us his nickname is "The Problem" and not "The Punisher." Means comes out to some slow-ass hip-hop song that sounds like either DMX or Ja Rule. Good to see neither of these guys are keen on rap music made after the year 2002, anyway. Oh, and this match is brought to you by the new movie Hands of Stone. Shit, how many boxing-related movies is Robert de Niro going to star in? 

Homasi with a good jab early. Means responds with a hard shot of his own. Sabah pushed up against the cage. He evades some hard throws from Means. Sabah back pedals. Means with a knee and Sabah responds with a takedown. Means scrambling. He's back up. Means pushing forward. Now he's working for a takedown from the clinch. Sabah connects with a few. Means tags him with a knee. Sabah backed up against the cage again. He shoots for a takedown and he gets it. Means pounding Sabah with hard elbow shots on the ground. He's back up. Sabah misses on a head kick. Means with another hard knee. Sabah bleeding like a stuck pig now. Sabah with an uppercut and Means lands a quick jab in response. Means with another nasty elbow strike. Sabah whiffs on a spin kick. Means almost connects on a spinning elbow. Another elbow from Means. A quick exchange as the bell sounds. I've got it 10-9 for Means.

Round 2. Sabah looks gassed as fuck. Means with a high kick. Sabah getting chased down. Means with a good combo. He backs off. Sabah bleeding like crazy again. Another one-two combo from Means. Sabah with a body kick. Means responds with some brutal elbow shots to the midsection. Sabah pressed against the cage. He rattles off several knees and some nasty elbows. He takes his foot of the gas again, presses Sabah to the cage and rattles off another series of beautiful jabs. He rattles off about five or six left-right combinations and Herb Dean says "that's it, folks."

Means is declared winner by TKO at 2:56 of the second round. In the post fight, Rogan brings up the fact the Means tested positive for some banned substances and even though he won, he should probably still feel bad about all that shit he did back in the day. Anyway, "The Dirty Bird" absolutely outclassed Homasi tonight, who in hindsight, probably never should have been booked for the bout in the first place. 

Welterweight Bout

Hyun Gyu Lim (13-5-1-0) vs. Mike Perry (6-0-0-0)

Lim is a veteran South Korean slugger whose biggest wins under the (former) Zuffa banner have been over the likes of Pascal Krauss and Takenori Sato, or as they are more commonly referred to, "I don't know who that first guy is" and "seriously, who the fuck is he supposed to be?" Perry is a 24-year-old organization newcomer, who is currently undefeated, having knocked out all half a dozen competitors before him while earning a paycheck scrapping in organizations with names like Square Ring Promotions and Florida Championship Fighting. So, all that to say ... I have no idea what the hell to expect out of this one. 

Perry comes out to ... rap? Of some kind? In a first, the examiners outside the Octagon scold him for having fingernails that are too long, so he has to chew them off before he gets into the cage. Lim comes out to something that also sounds like "the rap music," but I have no idea who. Or what. 

Lim, at 6'3' absolutely towers over Perry. Perry with a hard shot, and then he trips. He's back up. Perry is literally having to jump up to aim for Lim's head. This is like watching a DREAM FC fight from 2008 or something. As soon as I type that, of course Perry drops his giant ass with a hard shot. Now Perry has Lim in the crucifix mount and he's getting hit a million billion times, but somehow, he snakes out. Then Perry rocks him AGAIN! Perry dropping more bombs from the top. Perry grinding Lim out from the ground. Lim, somehow, is back up and Perry drops him AGAIN! All right, the ref has to stop this shit, and he does. Whew, that was like watching Little Mac knockout Great Tiger in Punch-Out!!

Perry is declared the winner by TKO at 3:38 of the very first round. Even better, the dude sounds JUST like Riff-Raff in his post-fight interview with Rogan.

Dwight Howard of the Atlanta Hawks is booed, while Demetrious Johnson and Dominick Cruz receive heavy cheers. Oh, time for a promo for UFC 205 in MSG - will a main event, or really ANY match, finally be announced? As it turns out ... no, no it will not. But hey, UFC 206 will be in Toronto, with the big New Year's Eve show set for Dec. 30 in Vegas, so I guess that's something news worthy. 

Welterweight Bout

Rick Story (19-8-0-0) vs. Donald Cerrone (30-7-0-1)

Hey, lookee here, a fight not only featuring people we've heard of before, but actually want to see in the Octagon! Rick Story is a guy that's been in the UFC since 2009, but there's not really a name for what kind of fighter he's supposed to be. He's not really marketable enough to be considered a gatekeeper, but he nonetheless manages to win enough to keep from falling into irrelevancy. Currently on a three-fight winning streak, he's set to tango with Donald "Cowboy" Cerrone, the longtime WEC holdover who's probably best known for fighting anyone, anywhere, for any reason, at any weight class (remember, this is the dude who fought five times in 2011 - and oh yeah, he won every last one of them.) Cowboy enters this one having gone 10-1 in his last eleven fights, complete with back-to-back victories over Patrick Cote and Alex Oliveira. With Cerrone still getting a feeling for the 170-pound division, this could actually prove an interesting little contest - with a very high probability of someone getting their gourd slapped off their neck, of course.  

Cerrone comes out to Kid Rock's "Cowboy," as always. Meanwhile, Story comes out to what sounds like a crappy post-"St. Anger" Metallica song - well, that, or some random nu-metal track you probably would've heard inside a titty bar at 3 p.m. on a Wednesday in 2008.

The two trade heavy hands right out the gate. Story appears to be the quicker man, but Cerrone quickly lands a takedown. Story is vertical, and he bullies Cerrone up against the cage. He gets a leg sweep and Cerrone goes down. But oh shit, Cerrone almost has an omoplata, then a triangle, sunk in. Story survives, then temporarily has Cerrone's back. He gets some hard knees in, but nothing too substantial. Cerrone back up, and the two are swinging again. Cerrone with a hard knee, Story with a kick to the midsection. Cerrone with a jab and a leg kick combo. Story whiffs on a high kick. Cerrone tags Story about four or five times, but Story doesn't go down. Cerrone rattles off two more hard shots that stagger Story before the bell sounds. 10-9 for Cerrone. 

Round two. Cerrone connects on a light head kick. He stuffs a takedown attempt by Story. Cerrone with another hard jab. And Cowboy gets another heavy one-two combo in. Cerrone with more leg kicks. Story gets tagged with a hard midsection shot and Cerrone swarms him with knees, kicks and heavy jabs. Story is down, Cerrone is hammering him and the ref waves it off. 

Cerrone is declared the winner by TKO at 2:02 in the second round. He dons the ceremonial ten gallon hat and can of Monster in the post-fight. He says he wants to drop down to 155 and challenge Eddie Alvarez for the Lightweight title in New York. Well shit, I'd like to see that.

David Spade and Daniel Cormier are both in the house. But unfortunately, not for a remake of Tommy Boy, as we had all hoped.

And time for the hard sell for our co-main event. 

Light Heavyweight Bout

Anthony Johnson (21-5-0-0) vs. Glover Teixeira (25-4-0-0)

Good old Rumble. The MMA vet always brings the ruckus, but usually at the expense of half his purse because the dude just can't avoid the twinkies and Burger King during weight cuts. Regardless of Johnson's inability to meet the appropriate poundage ahead of contests, he's nonetheless one bad motherfucker, having last been seen punching Ryan Bader so hard he undoubtedly forgot half the color wheel. That said, Brazilian slugger Glover T. ain't exactly a slouch, neither, as apparent by his three fight win streak, complete with impressive victories over OSP, Patrick Cummins and whatever was left of Rashad Evans' career. If nothing else, it should be a pretty intriguing stylistic match-up, with the close range "kill 'em on their feet" Johnson testing his meat and potatoes up against Teixeira's more ground and pound, submission-centric attack. Also, neither of these guys have a deep gas tank, so if this thing makes it to three rounds ... it probably ain't going to be pretty. 

Glover out to some rappity stuff that's probably in Portuguese because he's Brazilian and stuff. "He's like the Rocky of Danbury, Connecticut," Mike Goldberg says. Rumble also comes out to hip hop, and Rogan calls him the "poster boy for not cutting weight." Uh, sure you don't mean "poster boy for not making weight," Joe?

Both men swinging for the fences early. And Rumble rears back and murder-death-kills Glover with one hit. Holy shit. 

Johnson put Glover to sleep with a SATANIC uppercut just 13 seconds into round one. Glover was so out of it that when he came to, he tried to take down the referee. Johnson calls out Cormier after the fight and admonishes the fans for booing the Light Heavyweight champ. Also, it just dawns on me - Rumble look JUST like Mad TV cast member Aries Spears. 

Joe and Goldie pimp the Mickey Gall\CM Punk fight at UFC 203. Oh shit, they are doing a full fledged FS1 show about Punk's transition from 'rasslin to Ultimate Fighting. And hey, who wants them some Hands of Stone clips ahead of the main event! Speaking of the main event, let's watch one more hype video for it, why don't we?

Welterweight Bout

Nate Diaz (20-10-0-0) vs. Conor McGregor (19-3-0-0)

Well, does this one even need anymore hype? We all recall what happened the first time around (and if you don't, the UFC is screening it for free on their official YouTube channel), and now that both competitors have had time to assemble a full fight camp, we're all wondering: will all that extra prep time equal a totally different outcome from part uno? Yeah, this one doesn't really need in master salesman pitches to get you interested: it's arguably the most popular fighter in the world getting a second opportunity to redeem himself against of the most entertaining scrappers in all of MMA. Shit, even a naturally loquacious motherfucker like me understands you don't need to say much more than that: and with that in mind, howzabout we mosey on over to the cage and settle this shit on the mat instead of guesstimating what we think's going to happen on paper?  

McGregor out first to a mash-up of the theme song from Outlander (that is what that is, isn't it?) and Biggie Smalls. He gets a huge reaction initially, but it isn't as big as it has been at previous PPVs. Nate Diaz gets the first lights out treatment of the night. And of course, since Conor came out to Biggie, he HAS to come out to Tupac. So fucking perfect, right there. 

LOL at how Bruce Buffer refers to Diaz as the winner of TUF5. Leg kicks from Conor to begin. Diaz whiffs on a head kick. More Conor leg kicks. Loud "USA" chants. Diaz with a jab. More Conor leg kicks. Diaz not even bothering to check them. Conor keeps kicking. Diaz looking for some low body shots. Conor tags Diaz hard. DIAZ IS DOWN! He lets him back up. Diaz with a jab. "Ole" chants now. Conor very methodical. Diaz's face looks puffy. Conor with a good combo. Diaz looks like he is having difficulty moving forward. More leg kicks from Conor. Another hard counter shot from Conor. Another hard leg kick. Diaz really light on his lead foot now. Diaz misses on a haymaker. Conor just carving up Diaz's legs like he was 2009 Jose Aldo or something. Diaz with a shitty spin kick that doesn't even come close to landing. Conor with another hard jab as the bell sounds. 10-9 for Conor.

Round two. Diaz has a swollen face and McGregor is practically unblemished. More McGregor leg kicks. DIAZ DOWN AGAIN! McGregor lets Diaz up again. Conor drops Diaz AGAIN! Diaz back up, but he is a bloody mess. More Conor leg kicks. Diaz whiffing on his jabs. Hard uppercut to the midsection by Conor. Conor just putting on a counter-punching clinic now. Another hard leg kick. Diaz trying to chase Conor down. Diaz finally starting to land. Now MCGregor is staggered. Diaz unloading in the corner. Now it is a slugfest with thirty seconds left. A hard one to call ... maybe 10-9 for Diaz?

Round three. Is Conor gassing? Now Diaz pushing the action. Diaz rocks him and now we've got a clinch up against the cage. No dice on a Diaz takedown. Loud "Diaz" chants. Diaz gets staggered by a Conor shot. And another hard counter left from Conor. McGregor whiffs on a spin kick. Diaz in a clinch against the cage and looking for a takedown. More Conor leg kicks. Hard shot from Conor. Conor counters with a left. Minute left. Diaz with a one-two combo. He follows with a clinch. Diaz unloading up against the cage. Thirty seconds to go. Ten seconds. Conor survives, but just barely. Easy 10-9 round for Diaz.

Round four. Conor is bruised and Nate is still bleeding. More hard Conor leg kicks. Diaz bleeding heavily under his eye. Slower pace from both men. Diaz may be having difficulty seeing with so much Crimson running down his face. Conor with a good combo. Diaz with a clinch against the cage. Conor shakes off the takedown attempt. Diaz with knees to the midsection. Diaz with slow punches to the stomach of Conor. Diaz leading in total strikes at the moment. Two minutes to go. Conor flips the clinch around. Ole chant now. McGregor with a solid combo and a nice counter. Minute to go. Both dudes looked gassed as fuck. Conor pops Diaz hard twice. Twenty seconds left.  Diaz goes for a head kick and falls flat on his ass to end the round. 10-9 for Conor, for sure.

Round five - whoever wins this round WINS IT ALL. Crowd boos as Conor runs away from Diaz. Both men trading. Conor gets nothing on a flying knee attempt. Clinch against the cage. Conor has Nate's back. Diaz bleeding heavily again. Ole chants again. Another clinch against the cage. Diaz cannot get the takedown. Great defense from Conor here. Diaz with some slaps. Conor moves out of the way and Diaz flips him off. Good combo from Conor. Diaz looking for another takedown. Diaz with a big elbow. Two minutes left. Clinch against the cage, redux. Diaz just cannot get the double leg. One minute left. Conor has Diaz's back. AND CONOR GETS A TAKEDOWN! Thirty seconds left. Both men back up. Clinch with Diaz driving. Ten seconds left. Diaz FINALLY GETS the takedown as the bell sounds. 10-9 for McGregor, maybe?

McGregor definitely had rounds 1 and 4. Diaz definitely had round 3. Round 2 and Round 5 are a toss-up. Let's hear what the judges say, why don't we? It's 48-47 for McGregor, 47-47 and 48-47 for Conor McGregor. "Surprise, surprise, motherfucker, the king is back," Conor declares. McGregor says he would fight Diaz again, but only if the fight is at 155. "They can't have a motherfucker like me winning in this sport," Diaz says. "Good job, McGregor, but we're going for three." Adding to the overall "holy shit"-ness of the fight, McGregor says he fought most of it with a broken foot. 

In the post-post-fight, Rogan asks McGregor to vacate the 145-pound belt, says he doesn't know if Glover spit out a tooth after getting knocked out by Johnson and breaks "news" that Jon Jones' suspension may not be as long as expected. 

Well,  that more than lived up to the hype. That's my pick for 2016 fight of the year right there, and from start to finish, that was the most satisfying PPV I've seen since the all-heavyweight meat truck explosion that was UFC 146. Sucks to be you if you didn't catch this one live, that's all I can say. 

Read More