2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week 6!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

This Week's Episode:

"Oh, So This is Why TV Ratings Are Down ..."

THE ELITES

#01

Kansas City Chiefs (5-1)

Season Point Differential: +47

The Chiefs finally got bumped off the roll call of the unbeatens over the weekend, losing 19-13 to the Steelers at home. Alex Smith went 19 for 34 for 246 yards and one TD pass in the affair, but holy hell, what happened to K.C.'s run game? Not only did their defense implode and let Le'Veon Bell gut 'em for 179 yards, their own run game could only muster 28 total yards of offense altogether, with top back Kareem Hunt finishing the afternoon with a scant 21 rushing yards.

#02

Philadelphia Eagles (5-1)

Season Point Differential: +43

The Eagles came out on top against the Panthers on a back-and-forth Thursday night battle, ultimately clinching the W 28-23. Carson Wentz had another fantastic outing, going 16 for 30 for 222 yards and three touchdown passes, while the Eagles defense was able to force three interceptions off Cam Newton. The run game didn't look too shabby, neither, as Philadelphia outgrounded the Panthers by a 101 to 80 yard margin.

#03

Los Angeles Rams (4-2)

Season Point Differential: +41

In what could be a Super Bowl preview (no, for fuckin' real), the Rams managed to outpoint the Jaguars 27-17 last Sunday. Todd Gurley (116 yards on 23 carries) had another solid outing, but Jared Goff underperformed with just 124 yards and a solo TD on 11 completions. Thankfully, the Rams' special teams was there to help counteract the lackluster passing attack; not only did Pharaoh Cooper take the opening kick 103 yards to paydirt, Malcolm Brown also recovered a blocked Jags' punt for an easy six on the scoreboard.

#04

Minnesota Vikings (4-2)

Season Point Differential: +19

Well, it was a competitive game against Green Bay, up until the point Aaron Rodgers got carted off the field. After that, the Vikes went buck wild, collecting three interceptions off backup QB Brett Hundley en route to a facile 23-10 victory. Not that Case Keenum didn't do something for Minnesota's offense - he did finish the game 24 for 38 for 238 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio, didn't he?

#05

Pittsburgh Steelers (4-2)

Season Point Differential: +16

One week after looking like he was half-retarded against Jacksonville, Big Ben bounced back in a big way Sunday. In the Steelers' 19-13 win over K.C., Roethlisberger went 17 for 25 for 252 yards and an even 1-to-1 TD-to-INT ratio. And Pittsburgh's run game looked fucking fantastic on both sides of the ball, amassing 194 ground yards on their end and holding the Chiefs' potent rushing attack to an astoundingly low 28 yards on the day.

#06

New England Patriots (4-2)

Season Point Differential: +13

Slowly but surely, the Pats are playing more and more like the team we all know and hate with a fucking passion. New England's latest win comes in the form of a hyper-controversial 24-17 "win" against the Jets, in which an obvious touchdown haul for New York was overturned as a fumble that flew out of the end zone. Stay tuned for this weekend's contest against Atlanta ... I'm sure they've got some downright Dick Dastardly shit planned for the big Super Bowl rematch.

#07

Green Bay Packers (4-2)

Season Point Differential: +12

That loud, aluminum-can-tab-sounding click you're hearing to the north is the echo of the entire state of Wisconsin collectively drinking themselves into oblivion following the aftermath of Sunday's game against the Vikings. Not only did they get blistered 23-10 by their arch rivals, they lost franchise QB Aaron Rodgers for what may be the remainder of the season with a broken collarbone. And if the performance of backup quarterback Brett Hundley (18 for 33 for 157 yards, one TD and three interceptions) is any indication, there may not be enough Old Milwaukee on the planet to quell the sorrows of cheeseheads home and abroad.

#08

Carolina Panthers (4-2)

Season Point Differential: +6

The good news about the Panthers' 28-23 prime time loss to Philadelphia last Thursday is that Cam Newton chalked up plenty of ground-based yardage, finishing the game with 71 yards and one touchdown on 11 carries. Unfortunately, Cam (28 for 52, 239 yards, one TD) also finished the game with a QBR of 40.0, thanks in no small part to those three interceptions he lobbed. And those two sacks - and nine after-the-pass QB hits - doesn't exactly bode well for the guy's longevity in an already historically injury-prone season ... 

Touchdown Jets! LOL, J/K. Fuck the Jets and everybody who likes them.

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

#09

New Orleans Saints (3-2)

Season Point Differential: +29

In a live action remake of NFL Fever 2002 on the Xbox, the Saints and the Lions combined for an astonishing 90 points in Sunday's defense-deficient contest. Ultimately, Drew Brees and pals wound up with the upper hand, besting Detroit 52-38. If you're looking for an under-the-radar fantasy football pick up, you'd be wise to give N.O. back Mark Ingram a good look-see - he finished last Sunday's outing with 114 yards and two touchdowns on 25 carries.

#10

Seattle Seahawks (3-2)

Season Point Differential: +23

The Seahawks had a bye last weekend and will return this Sunday to go nose-to-nose with the 1-5 Giants. At this juncture in the season, the Seahawks are averaging 337.6 yards per game, making them the League's 16th ranked offense. And on the flip side of the field, Seattle is allowing 330 yards a contest, making them the NFL's 15th ranked defense overall.

#11

Buffalo Bills (3-2)

Season Point Differential: +15

The Bills were out of action last Sunday, but they'll be back this weekend to butt heads with Tampa Bay. Posting just 271.6 yards per game, Buffalo possesses the League's second-worst offense; allowing 322.4 yards a game, they fare much better and are currently slotted in as the NFL's 13th best defense.

#12

Atlanta Falcons (3-2)

Season Point Differential: +12

At the beginning of the third quarter, the Falcons were up 17-0 against the Dolphins. Of course, this being the same old Falcons, they somehow found a way to piss it all away and let Miami drop 20 unanswered points on them in the second half. If this story sounds slightly familiar to you ... well, it should. 

#13

Denver Broncos (3-2)

Season Point Differential: +11

In the biggest upset of the NFL season so far, the Broncos got dick slapped 23-10 by the formerly winless (and virtually receiver-less) Giants at home last Sunday night. If you're wondering how this happened despite Trevor Siemian outpassing the husk of Eli Manning's career 376 to 128 yards - well, that makes two of us, actually.

#14

Washington Redskins (3-2)

Season Point Differential: +4

In a surprisingly close contest, the Redskins just barely beat the now 0-6 Niners by a slim 26-24 final score. Credit Kirk Cousins' consistent passing for most of the victory. He finished the game 25 for 37 for 330 yards, two touchdowns and one INT, with leading receiver Chris Thompson (who is actually a running back) finishing the outing with 105 yards on just four catches (plus 33 rushing yards on 16 carries, but that's just an aside, really.)

#15

Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3)

Season Point Differential: +46

Despite Jacksonville winning both the numerical passing and rushing yardage war against Los Angeles, the Jags still succumbed to the Rams last Sunday, 27-17. Leonard Fournette (130 yards and one TD on 21 carries) and Blake Bortles (23 for 35 for 241 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio) both had outstanding performances, but Jacksonville's special teams coverage completely shit the bed, giving up not one but two easy touchdowns for the Rams.

#16

Houston Texans (3-3)

Season Point Differential: +30

Deshaun Watson's rookie of the year - hell, maybe even overall MVP of the year - campaign continued in a 33-17 victory against the Browns last Sunday. The Clemson product went 17 for 29 in the win, finishing the outing with 225 yards, three touchdowns and one interception, with all three of his end zone strikes landing in the arms of separate receivers. And let's give that Houston D some credit - granted, it was the Browns they were playing against, but holding any aerial offense to just 113 yards after the sack yardage loss count is damned impressive anyway you slice it.

Go ahead ... try to count how many Jaguars players take a faceplant trying to catch this mofo.

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

#17

Detroit Lions (3-3)

Season Point Differential: +12

Some defensive and special teams snafus cost the Lions dearly in their 52-38 loss to the Saints. Despite racking up 312 yards in the air and three touchdown passes, Matt Stafford also got sacked five times for negative 31 yards and lobbed three interceptions - including a game-closing pick six to Cameron Jordan with just five minutes left in the fourth quarter. Add to that another two fumbles - including one that resulted in a quick Saints scramble into enemy end zone - and it kinda' becomes apparent why Detroit dropped this 'un, don't it?

#18

Baltimore Ravens (3-3)

Season Point Differential: -10

Baltimore came up on the wrong side of an overtime loss, dropping Sunday's tilt against Chicago 27-24 in extra innings (and for the record, can somebody tell me when the NFL shortened overtime play to just ten minutes, and do they plan on doing that shit in the playoffs, as well?) Joe Flacco, most notably, turned in one of his worst performances of the season in the loss, going 24 for 41 for 180 yards, no touchdown passes and two interceptions - including a 90-yard pick six tossed into the waiting arms of Adrian Amos late in the fourth quarter.

#19

Tennessee Titans (3-3)

Season Point Differential: -18

Marcus Mariota had a big game in the Titans' 36-22 win against Indianapolis. He wrapped up the affair 23 for 32 for 206 yards, one TD and one INT, with leading receiver Eric Decker collecting 88 yards on seven receptions. Tennessee can definitely credit their ground performance for the victory; the Titans managed to outrush the Colts 168 yards to 58, with DeMarco Murray and Derrick Henry each posting one TD run apiece.

#20

New York Jets (3-3)

Season Point Differential: -21

The Jets are going to be incensed about Sunday's "LOL, that touchdown was actually a fumble" call from now until the end of time, but that shouldn't take away from the team's fairly impressive overachieving against the defending Super Bowl champs in the weekend's 24-17 defeat. For starters, Josh McCown easily bested Tom Brady in the air, recording 354 yards and two touchdowns on 31 completions. I mean, sure, he also lobbed two interceptions and got sacked four times for minus 20 yards, too, but come on - this is one of those rare instances where a participation trophy is actually well-deserved.

#21

Arizona Cardinals (3-3)

Season Point Differential: -39

Hey, remember last week, when I wondered out loud if Arizona signing Adrian Peterson was a bad idea? Well, I reckon I can shut my goddamn whore of a mouth right now, seeing as how A.P. collected 134 yards and two rushing touchdowns in the Cards' 38-33 win against Tampa Bay Sunday. Shit, even Carson Palmer looked better than he had any right to be, lobbing the rock for 283 yards and three touchdowns. Keep that kinda' consistent offense rolling, and not only might this team make the wildcard round, they might even steal the NFC West crown underneath all our noses. 

#22

Miami Dolphins (3-2)

Season Point Differential: -23

Down 17-o at halftime against Atlanta, Miami managed to mount a 20 point come from behind victory Sunday. With Jay Cutler going 19 for 33 for 151 yards and two TDs (plus a solo INT), you can credit most of the win to the Fins' run game - more specifically, Jay Ajayi, who finished the contest with 130 yards on 26 carries.

#23

Cincinnati Bengals (2-3)

Season Point Differential: +1

The Bengals had a bye last weekend and will return Sunday for a pivotal AFC North clash against the Steelers. Averaging 311 yards a game, the Bengals are ranked 24th in overall offense, but allowing just 262.8 yards a contest, they currently possess the League's second-best defense ... you know, statistically, anyway.

#24

Oakland Raiders (2-4)

Season Point Differential: -2

The Raiders dropped a tough 'un against the Chargers last Sunday, losing a 17-16 intra-AFC West scrap at home. In his first game back from a back injury, Derek Carr went 21 for 30 for 171 yards, one TD and two interceptions, while the Oakland backfield marginally outrushed Los Angeles 109 yards to 80. We'll see if the addition of NaVorro Bowman does anything to spark the team ahead of tonight's pivotal intra-conference battle against the Chiefs - and if it doesn't, you REALLY have to start asking some questions about Todd Downing's job security. And, as always, if you care to relive all of the misery and disappointment of last Sunday's game, you can check out our FREE replay (sorta') of the Raiders' loss anytime you want right here.

Please, do feel free to add your own Chris Berman "WHOOP!" sound effects.

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

#25

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-3)

Season Point Differential: -3

Don't let the 38-33 final score fool you - in their loss to Arizona over the weekend, the Buccaneers were nowhere close to winning the game. Heading into the third quarter the Cardinals had amassed a 31-0 lead, and pretty much all of the Bucs' offensive production came in the form of garbage time points - although Lavonte David's 21-yard fumble return was kinda' cool, I guess.

#26

Dallas Cowboys (2-3)

Season Point Differential: -7

Although the Cowboys didn't take the field Sunday, they might as well chalk up their bye week as a loss. Why? Because a federal court upheld the League's initial six-game ban of Ezekiel Elliot, but wait a minute ... just when it looked like Texas' No. 1 domestic abuser not named "Steve Austin" was going to be out of action until December, another judge turned around and declared the other judge's ruling on the injunction invalid, so Ezey E will be allowed to play at least one more game this season before his fate is finally decided. Anyhoo, by the time this thing goes to print, we SHOULD have a firm idea whether or not we'll be seeing Elliot playing anytime soon. Or not. It's really 5o/50 at this point.

#27

Los Angeles Chargers (2-4)

Season Point Differential: -15

Thanks to a botched PAT attempt on behalf of the Raiders, the L.A. Chargers managed to muster a 17-16 last-second win against Oakland Sunday. Philip Rivers went 25 for 36 in the win, finishing the game with 268 yards and one TD strike. Running back Melvin Gordon also played quite well, racking up 83 yards and one TD running the ball and another 67 yards (plus another touchdown) as a receiver.

#28

Chicago Bears (2-4)

Season Point Differential: -43

The Bears got their second win of the year via a 27-24 overtime victory against the Ravens. Mitch "The Bitch" Trubisky went 8 for 16 for 113 yards and one TD pass, while Jordan Howard racked up 167 yards on 36 carries. And, uh, because I can't think of anything really noteworthy to say about the rest of the team's performance, how about we check out Adrian Amos' 90-yard interception return again?

#29

Indianapolis Colts (2-4)

Season Point Differential: -76

The Luck-less Colts stumbled again Monday night, dropping an AFC South tilt against the Titans 36-22. Jacoby "Whisker Biscuit" Brissett finished the game 21 for 37 for 212 yards and one TD, while Frank Gore ran for an underwhelming 49 yards on ten carries, with zero end zone visitations. But on the plus side, at least the O-line held up pretty well - not only did they prevent Brissett from getting sacked once, they only let Titans' defenders hit him after the pass four times ... which, I know, does't sound all that great, but considering what defenses earlier in the season have done to the poor chap, it's basically a minor miracle. 

#30

New York Giants (1-5)

Season Point Differential: -27

The Giants, amazingly, managed to avoid an 0-6 start by beating the Broncos in Denver 23-10 in a prime time clash that had their foes listed as 13.5-point favorites. Eli Manning's 128-yard passing day wasn't much of a factor, but the G-Men's rushing attack was (probably) the difference maker. At the final horn, the Broncos only had 46 yards on the ground, while New York nearly tripled their rushing production with 148 yards, with top back Orleans Darkwa recording 117 on 21 carries.

#31

San Francisco 49ers (0-6)

Season Point Differential: -33

It's kinda' ironic that the name of San Fran's QB is C.J. Beathard, because over the weekend, the team got beat hard by the Redskins in a 26-24 slugfest. Despite the guy who isn't Colin Kaepernick having a mostly ho-hum day with 245 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio, at least long-time 49ers back Carlos Hyde looked pretty decent, registering two touchdowns and 28 yards on just 13 carries.

#32

Cleveland Browns (0-6)

Season Point Differential: -63

Yep, the Browns are still sans a victory following their 33-17 loss to the Texans. Quarterback Kevin Hogan went 20 for 37 for 140 yards, racking up one TD but lobbing three costly interceptions, while Cleveland's rushing attack - despite picking 134 yards of offense - couldn't convert any of 'em into points on the board. If the team comes up short against Tennessee this weekend, you have to expect some firings to go down. Which, in this case, begs the question: do NFL bylaws allow executives to fire an entire team at one time?

Read More

2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week Three - SPECIAL PROTEST EDITION!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

This Week's Episode:

"The Nothing Makes Any Sense League"

NOTE: In a display of solidarity with the 200 or so NFL players who participated in the weekend's anti-Trump protests during the national anthem, I decided to write this week's column on one knee. And then, in a further display of solidarity with the proud, valiant constituents of the National Football League Players Association, I then drove drunk, slapped my wife and refused to pay child support.  - THNX, MGMT

THE ELITES

#01

Kansas City Chiefs (3-0)

Season Point Differential: +36

At this point, KC running back Kareem Hunt isn't just the frontrunner for offensive rookie of the year, he's probably the odds on favorite for MVP of the whole damn League. His impressive play continued in the Chiefs' 24-10 win over the Chargers, where he had 172 yards and 1 TD on 17 carries. Just three games into his NFL career and he already has 401 rushing yards and is tied with Todd Gurley for most touchdowns on the season with six. And unsurprisingly, K.C. leads the League in rushing yards per game, averaging 162 on the ground every contest.

#02

Atlanta Falcons (3-0)

Season Point Differential: +21

Despite the screwjob finish, the Falcons nonetheless managed to eke out a win against the Lions Sunday, "beating" Detroit 30-26. Our entry on the Lions will go more in-depth on those particular circumstances, but offensively, at least, the Falcons continue to perform quite well; Matt Ryan went 24 for 35 for 294 yards, two TDs and (very uncharacteristically) three interceptions, while running back Davonta Freeman rushed for 106 yards and one score on 21 carries. Oh, and Julio Jones did alright, too, concluding the game with 91 reception yards on seven catches.

#03

Jacksonville Jaguars (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +38

I'm starting to see a pattern with the Jaguars. In week one they blew out the Texans, and in week two they got blown out by the Titans. So considering last Sunday's game in London against the Ravens was on an odd-numbered week, of course Jacksonville was going to win 44-7. Blake Bortles looked great with four TD passes and 244 yards, but Sacksonville's D looked even better, holding Joe Flacco and their patented no-name offense to just 52 passing yards. Which, naturally, probably means the Jags are going to get butt-fucked out of existence by the Jets this weekend, because apparently that's how the world works now.

#04

Los Angeles Rams (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +32

Sure, their home stadium might only be at half capacity, but the L.A. Rams are playing at full force. In their narrow 41-39 Thursday night win over the lowly, lowly 49ers, Jared Goff went 22 for 28 for 292 yards and three passing touchdowns, while Todd Gurley carried the rock 28 times for 113 yards and two scores. Still, not all is right in Rams-World; I mean, these motherfuckers did let Brian Hoyer throw 332 yards against them ...

#05

Detroit Lions (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +22

With eight seconds left on the clock, Golden Tate bounced into the end zone to give Detroit what appeared to be a game winning TD. Alas, further review revealed that Tate had his knee down a couple of inches shy of the end zone edge, and since there is a mandatory ten second run-off after touchdown reviews, the clock was reset to zero and Detroit lost the fucking game 30-26. Well, considering all of the attempts to interject "reality" into the product, the multitudes of screw job finishes and half empty stadiums over the weekend, maybe the NFL is secretly being booked by Vince Russo these days? 

#06

Denver Broncos (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +18

A week after throttling the Cowboys by 17 points, the Broncos came crashing back to reality with a 26-16 loss to the Bills. Trevor Siemian went 24 for 40 for 259 yards, zero touchdowns and two interceptions, with receivers Demaryius Thomas, Emmanuel Sanders and Bennie Fowler III each getting at least 50 yards on the day. And at least the Broncos kept the pressure up, sacking Tyrod Taylor four times and walloping him after the pass eight more.

#07

Oakland Raiders (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +18

The less said about this game, the better. Apparently too busy thinking about what to do during the national anthem that they forgot to prepare for a football game, the Raiders g0t shellacked 27-10 by the Washington Redskins on prime time television. Perhaps spiteful that their quarterback was the only person who stood up for "The Star Spangled Banner," the Raiders' highly touted offensive line enigmatically collapsed, and Derek Carr got sacked four times and lobbed two interceptions, completing the game with just 118 yards and one TD pass. Oh, and Marshawn didn't do shit, racking up only 18 yards rushing. You can relive the misery anytime you want right here, but I really wouldn't recommend it.

#08

Tennessee Titans (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +17

The run game was the difference maker in the Titans' 33-27 win over the Seahawks Sunday. With 115 yards and one touchdown on 14 carries, Tennessee back DeMarco Murray had almost twice as many yards as the entire combined Seahawks backfield; complemented by Derrick Henry's 54-yard, 13 carry day, Tennessee ultimately outyarded Seattle on the ground by a 195-69 margin.

We now live in a country where standing during the National Anthem is considered "controversial." Thanks a lot, Obama.

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

#09

Pittsburgh Steelers (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +14

Perhaps a little bit disoriented and discombobulated by all that protest nonsense, the Steelers wound up dropping a 23-17 shocker loss to the Bears over the weekend. Big Ben went 22 for 39 for 235 yards and one TD, with top receiver Antonio Brown recording 110 yards and one touchodown on ten catches. But they also royally screwed the pooch in terms of their run game, chalking up a paltry 70 on their own end while allowing Chicago to rack up 220.

#10

Buffalo Bills (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +13

So, uh, are the Bills good now? T-Mobile went 20 for 26 for 213 yards and two TDs in his team's 26-16 win over the Broncos Sunday, and Buffalo's defense managed to record two INTs off Trevor Siemian. Of course, the Bills being the Bills, I'm fairly certain this is just build-up to monumental heartbreak a little bit later down the road, so yeah, don't get too excited there, Buffalo faithful. 

#11

Washington Redskins (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +11

The Redskins positively butt-fucked the Raiders last Sunday night, besting Oakland 27-10. Kirk Cousins finished the game 25 for 30 for 365 yards and three touchdowns, with top receiver Chris Thompson accumulating 150 yards and one TD on six catches. And the defense made a joke out of the Raiders' highly coveted O-line, sacking Derek Carr four times for a cumulative loss of 22 yards.

#12

Minnesota Vikings (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +10

The Vikes rebounded in a big way this past Sunday, besting the Bucs 34-17 in a contest that saw CASE KEENUM of all people go 25 for 33 for 369 yards. Also putting in great showings in the contest for Minnesota? Top back Dalvin Cook (27 carries, 97 yards, 1 TD) and wideout Stefon Diggs, who finished the contest with 173 yards and two touchdowns on eight receptions. 

#13

Philadelphia Eagles (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +9

It was a close one, but the Eagles nonetheless managed to stave off the luckless Giants en route to a 27-24 victory over the weekend. Carson Wentz went 21 for 31 for 176 yards and one TD, with the Eagles' running back committee outpacing the G-Men by a ludicrous 193 yard-to-49 yard margin. But yeah, about that secondary letting Eli Manning throw 366 yards on the day ...

#14

Carolina Panthers (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +5

Well, raise your hand if you thought the formerly win-less Saints were going to thump the Panthers 34-13 over the weekend. Cam Newton, in particular, had a really bad showing, going 17 for 26 for 167 yards, no touchdowns and three interceptions. Oh, and he fumbled the ball twice, had six passes deflected and ate dirt behind the line of scrimmage four times for a cumulative negative 28-yard loss. So yeah, all that to say ... glad to see you're feeling more like yourself, Cam!

#15

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-1)

Season Point Differential: +5

After looking fucking fab last week, Jameis Winston and pals sucked out loud against the Vikes on Sunday, losing to Minnesota by a 17-point margin. In the 34-17 loss, the Bucs' QB went 28 for 40 for 328 yards, two TDs and three interceptions. And hoo boy, did Tampa Bay blow it on both sides of the rushing game. The final ground yardage numbers at the end of the game? Minnesota, 125, Tampa Bay, just 26.

#16

New England Patriots (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +4

Alright, let's talk statistics. I'm seeing a lot of other power rankings out there that have the Patriots listed either number one or number two, so what are they doing ranked at the halfway point on my countdown, you might be asking yourself? Well, the stats don't lie, homey: Tom Brady might be doing his part to ensure the Pats lead the League in passing offense, but by that same token? They're also ranked DEAD FUCKING LAST in total defense, allowing their opponents to average a whopping 461 yards against 'em per game. Sorry - even with Tom Terrific lobbing four  or five TD passes every contest, having a D that atrocious isn't something you can turn a blind eye to.

Damn ... Axel Foley has gotten fat.

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

#17

Dallas Cowboys (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +2

Three games into the NFL season and we still have no idea which Cowboys team is going to show up. The 'Boys rebounded from last week's 17-point bruising from the Broncos with a 28-17 win over the Cardinals last Monday evening, with Dak Prescott lobbing the rock for 183 yards and two touchdowns on 13 completions. Ezekiel Elliot also looked solid, gaining 80 yards on the ground plus a TD via 22 carries, but that pass defense could use some work: there's no reason for Carson Palmer's old ass to be recording 325 yards a game, doing anything.

#18

Green Bay Packers (2-1)

Season Point Differential: 0

It took some overtime play, but the Packers did manage to avoid the major upset against Cincinnati. In the 27-24 win, Aaron Rodgers went 28 for 42 for 313 yards, three touchdowns and one interception, with Geronimo Allison (yep. that's the name his parents came up with, despite having nine months to mull it over) racking up 122 yards on six receptions. The Packers might want to work on their O-line, though; letting your QB get sacked six times a game ain't exactly a recipe for another Super Bowl run.

#19

Baltimore Ravens (2-1)

Season Point Differential: -3

So what was the catalyst for the Ravens' 44-7 loss to the Jaguars in London? Jet lag? Food poisoning? Was the entire team so distraught over Donald Trump's criticisms that they were left literally shaking and unable to play pro football? Either way, giving up 244 passing yards to Blake goddamn Bortles is unforgivable, as is the piss poor quarterbacking from both Joe Flacco (8 for 18 for 28 yards and two INTs) and Ryan Mallett (six for nine for 36 yards and one utterly meaningless TD.)

#20

New Orleans Saints (1-2)

Season Point Differential: -5

Well, Drew Brees had a great day against Carolina in the Saints' 34-13 victory. He lobbed the rock for 220 yards and three touchdowns, in the process completing 22 out of 29 passes. And because I really can't think of anything to say about the rest of the game, I'll just list the top rusher and receiver and their stats: Mark Ingram (56 yards and one TD on 14 carries) and Michael Thomas (87 yards and one touchdown on seven receptions.)

#21

Seattle Seahawks (1-2)

Season Point Differential: -11

Neither the Titans or the Seahawks decided to show up for the national anthem performance, and from the looks of it, the Seahawks decided to not show up for the game itself either. Sure, sure, Russell Wilson did lob the rock for 373 yards and four touchdowns, but he also fumbled the ball away twice and went a mediocre 29 for 49 on pass attempts. Coupled with a lethargic run game, it's no surprise Seattle wound up dropping the game 33-27, really.

#22

Miami Dolphins (1-1)

Season Point Differential: -19

The Fins got poached by the formerly win-less Jets last Sunday, losing 20-6 in a fairly lifeless performance. Jay Cutler reverted to his true self in the outing, going 26 for 44 for 220 yards and a 1-to-1 TD-to-INT ratio. And the run game was practically non-existent; at the final horn, the Dolphins only had 30 rushing yards on the day, with top back Jay Ajayi only recording 16 yards on 11 carries. 

#23

New York Jets (1-2)

Season Point Differential: -20

Holy shit, not only did the Jets actually WIN a game over the weekend, they won convincingly over AFC East rivals Miami 20-6. Josh McCown went 18 for 23 for 249 yards and one TD pass, while New York's running back corps racked up 103 total yards on 34 carries. Leading all receivers in the game was Robby Anderson, who racked up 95 yards and one TD on only three catches.

#24

Arizona Cardinals (1-2)

Season Point Differential: -20

The Cards kept it kinda sorta close against Dallas on Monday night, but they still wound up dropping the contest 28-17. Carson Palmer went 29 for 48 for 325 yards and two touchdowns, but he also got sacked six times for a cumulative loss of 42 yards. And the run game was not even close to being productive; at the final horn, the Cardinals could only muster 49 yards on the ground, with no rushing touchdowns.

...says the man making billions of dollars off black people giving each other brain damage.

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

#25

Houston Texans (1-2)

Season Point Differential: -21

Well, the Texans came dangerously close to upsetting the Pats over the weekend, but alas, New England still managed to outdo 'em 36-33. Deshaun Watson did pretty good in the loss, finishing the game with 301 yards and a two-to-two TD-to-INT ratio, and Houston's running back committee impressively outran New England's rushers by a 125-to-59 yard margin. Alas, there is something seriously amiss about this team's defense: even if they did sack Tom Brady five times over the course of the game, that doesn't really make up for letting him toss FIVE touchdown passes and rack up 378 yards in the air. 

#26

Chicago Bears (1-2)

Season Point Differential: -22

Don't ask me how, but the Bears were somehow able to beat the Steelers 23-17 Sunday, this despite QB Mike Glennon finishing the game 15 for 22 for only 101 yards. Oh, wait, I remember how they won: because Jordan Howard had 138 yards and two touchdowns on 23 carries, while the Bears' second most productive running back (Tarik Cohen) STILL had eight more rushing yards than the entire Pittsburgh running back committee. 

#27

Indianapolis Colts (1-2)

Season Point Differential: -37

Well, somebody had to win Sunday's battle of 0-2 teams when the Colts clashed with the Browns, and Indianapolis found themselves walking out of the contest with the W. In the narrow 31-28 victory, Jacoby "Whisker Biscuit" Brissett went 17 for 24 for 243 yards and one TD, while receiver T.Y. Hilton finished the game with 153 yards and one touchdown on seven catches. And because the Gods of the Gridiron really love us, the Colts' next game will be a prime time Sunday night contest against the Seahawks, which will undoubtedly seek to rewrite the dictionary entry on what "ugly" looks like. 

#28

Los Angeles Chargers (0-3)

Season Point Differential: -19

It's not exactly a title they should embrace, but the Chargers remain the best team without a win in pro football. Alas, their 24-10 loss to the Chiefs was their worst loss of the season thus far, with Phillip Rivers going 20 for 40 for 237 yards, zero touchdowns and three interceptions. But on the bright side? At least L.A.'s defenders managed to sack Alex Smith five times, I suppose.

#29

Cleveland Browns (0-3)

Season Point Differential: -20

It's official - the Cleveland Browns are Charlie Brown. Yet again, the team everybody forgets is technically an expansion squad from 1999 lost a heartbreaker, their latest coming in the form of a 31-28 loss to Indianapolis. I reckon head coach Hue Jackson is mighty nervous right about now; odds are, this upcoming Sunday's game against the also-winless Bengals is likely to be a "loser leaves town" match ...

#30

San Francisco 49ers (0-3)

Season Point Differential: -25

Well, the Niners at least attempted  a comeback against the Rams last Thursday night. In the 41-39 loss, Brian Hoyer went 23 for 37 for 332 yards, two touchdowns and one interception, while back Carlos Hyde scored two touchdowns and finished the game with 84 yards on the day. And the defense did sorta kinda go after the QB, registering seven hits and five deflections, so there is that, I guess. 

#31

Cincinnati Bengals (0-3)

Season Point Differential: -27

The Bengals came very, very close to beating the Packers, but they ultimately hunched the pooch and lost the affair 27-24 in overtime. The sad thing is Andy Dalton actually had his best performance of the season thus far in the failing bid, going 21 for 27 for 212 yards and two touchdowns, with top wideout A.J. Green chalking up 111 yards and one TD on 10 catches. The good news for Cincy? Since they're taking on the Browns next week, there's a guarantee at least somebody will be exiting the game with positive integers on the left side of the win-loss column. Unless there's a tie, which, let's face it, is probably a 50-50 likelihood. 

#32

New York Giants (0-3)

Season Point Differential: -33

Well, here we are. Following Sunday's heartbreaking 27-24 loss to the Eagles, the New York Football Giants are still sans a W. Sure, Eli Manning had more than 350 passing yards and OBJ had two really neat-looking touchdowns and Sterling Shepherd had 133 receiving yards on the day, but for whatever reason, this team just couldn't seal the deal down the stretch. Will the team's luck change this Sunday against the Buccaneers? Well, if it doesn't, expect some heads to start rolling at the Giants' executive offices ...

Read More