Fun with Coca-Cola's Ill-Conceived 'Share A Coke' Generator!

Surely, the suits at Coke had to have seen such tomfoolery coming, right?

By: Jimbo X

JimboXAmerican@gmail.com

@JimboX

On one hand, I have to give the marketing department at Coca-Cola all the credit in the world for their seasonal "Share a Coke With ..." campaign. It's such a simple strategy, but oh so effective. Who'd thought that simply slapping a couple of common first names on the side of a soda label would've aroused so much consumer attention and spurred summertime sales? 

But maybe it shouldn't be that surprising. After all, such gimmicks capitalize on consumers' innate egotism, and it's the kind of commercial pornography that's just ripe for social media exploitation. And now that they're throwing out cans and bottles with surnames on 'em, it's just a matter of time until ever Tom, Dick and Susan in the country is flooding Instagram with their personal information spelled out in fizzy drink packaging form. Privacy, shmrivacy, if pushing two aluminum cans together is all it takes to get 100 likes on Facebook, the aggregate American will do it in a heartbeat. 

Which brings me to this poorly thought-out marketing ploy from the House of Sprite and Mr. Pibb. By now, we should all know that it's NEVER a good idea to give the Internet hoi polloi the ability to submit any kind of user-generated content on a company's official website or social media feed. Remember that time "Hitler Did Nothing Wrong" was selected as the official name of the latest Mountain Dew variation, or that time the New England Patriots' Twitter bots sent a shoutout to a user named "ihateniggers?" Hell, this isn't even the first time Coca-Cola has had the rug pulled out from under it using the whole "Share a Coke With..." shtick, as this article from 2015 elucidates upon. Simply put, nothing good could come from Coca-Cola re-opening its online "Share a Coke With..." bottle generator, and I took it as a personal challenge to fuck with the thing as much as humanly (and hilariously) possible.

Designing a bottle is about as simple as it gets. You get to choose from one of four different bottle designs, and you have about 20 characters to get your message across. After you're done, you can load the thing into your virtual cart and, for $5 plus shipping and handling, you can have the custom-made bottle zipped along to your home address.

Of course, the name generator does have some built-in safeguards. The really obvious stuff - the "n-word," the "f-word," Hitler, etc. - are already pre-banned, as well as the terms "fat," "diabetes" and "obesity" (gee, I wonder why?) Interestingly enough, even a couple of proper names are verboten, including Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, Pol Pot, Idi Amin, David Duke and Stalin. Even weirder, the word "black" itself is on the pre-banned list, even though "white" isn't, and even weirder than that, while "ISIS" is on the do-not-print list, "Nazis" is totally OK. So, from the get-go, we just know there's going to be a lot of gaps in their language filter, and within three minutes, I was already having a field day.

Say hello to Coke's new, limited-edition /pol/ flavored colas.

Apparently, Coca-Cola needs a refresher course on contemporary ethnic slurs. Pretty much every non-"nigger" pejorative for the black people you can think of flies by undetected, and practically every Nazi-related term that ain't "Adolf" or "Hitler" passes the smell test. 

And sometimes, you can get all three in one package!

There's a couple of other filter oddities afoot, too. For example, "obesity" all by itself is off-limits, but if you wedge a "morbid" in front of it, all of a sudden it becomes permissible for print. Similarly, you can get away with making a bottle that says "Black Panthers," but they won't let you print one that says simply "Black People." 

Something tells me that old "I'd Like To Buy The World A Coke" commercial would've played out way differently had they used THESE bottles.

Of course, anybody into vaporwave can already tell you there's an easy way around ALL of Coke's censorship. If you just have to have a Coca-Cola bottle in your possession that has "Hitler" or "Niggers" emblazoned upon it, all you have to do is put a single space between each letter and the filter is none the wiser. That said, consider me shocked a plenty that the formal filtering algorithms DIDN'T include "cunt" on the insta-banned word list. I mean, isn't that like a top five swear word everywhere in the Western world?

Man ... what a great idea for a sitcom!

The possibilities here are pretty much endless. Whatever offensive, deplorable or insensitive thing you can think of, Coca-Cola's half-assed censoring mechanisms are pretty much powerless to stop you from printing them. I spent an entire Saturday evening trying to conjure up the most disgusting, depraved and demeaning bottles I could, and by the end of the night I felt pretty confident that - if I truly wanted to - I could easily order a small platoon of Coca-Cola bottles lined with an endless panoply of swears and epithets. Of course, the real fun would be ordering the bottles and then sneaking them into actual businesses and slipping them into real display cases in an all-time awesome prank that would probably draw international coverage and goad Coca-Cola into issuing a never-ending stream of public apologies. 

Not that we here at The Internet Is In America would EVER condone such. Or encourage it. Or give you a direct link to where you can do so. Or offer a special prize to the first person who emails us conclusive proof that they actually received a physical Coca-Cola bottle with a major slur printed on it. 

I mean, what kind of trouble makers do you think we are, anyway?

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2016 NFL Power Rankings - Week 12!

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat it - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo___X

This Week's Episode:

"Let's all give thanks ... that none of us play for Cleveland"

THE ELITES

01

Dallas Cowboys (10-1)

Season Point Differential: +103

In the Boys 31-26 Thanksgiving win over the Redskins, the team combined for 163 rushing yards and three touchdowns, with Ezekiel Elliott racking up 97 yards and two scores on 20 carries. And of course, Dak Prescott got himself a rushing TD as well, which complemented his 195-yards, one passing touchdown day quite well. 

02 

New England Patriots (9-2)

Season Point Differential: +95

Tom Brady got his 200th win over the weekend, but it wasn't easy - the low-flying Jets actually put up a hell of a fight in the 22-17 win for the Pats. Still, Tom Terrific got the "W" - at the final horn, he had collected two touchdowns and 286 yards on 30 completions.

03

Atlanta Falcons (7-4)

Season Point Differential: +56

Looks like the Falcons have yet another highly capable offensive weapon on the rise: receiver Taylor Gabriel, who had 75 yards and two touchdown passes on four completions in Atlanta's 38-19 win over the Cardinals.

04

Denver Broncos (7-4)

Season Point Differential: +47

Trevor Siemian had three touchdown passes and 368 yards on 20 completions in last Sunday night's battle against Kansas City. Alas, Denver's dynamite "D" couldn't get it done in overtime, as the Chiefs bopped a last second field goal to beat their divisional foes 30-27.

05

Buffalo Bills (6-5)

Season Point Differential: +45

The Jags didn't make it easy, but T-Mobile and pals nonetheless managed to get the job done. In a 28-21 win, the Bills combined for three rushing touchdowns and 153 yards on the ground - with LeSean McCoy responsible for 103 of them and two of Buffalo's excursions into enemy end zone. 

06

Pittsburgh Steelers (6-5)

Season Point Differential: +44

The Steelers absolutely drubbed the Colts last Thursday night, pounding Indy like a drum to the tune of 28-7. Big Ben had 221 yards and three touchdown passes while Le'Veon Bell finished the contest with 120 yards and one TD run on 23 carries. 

07

Philadelphia Eagles (5-6)

Season Point Differential: +41

Following their 27-13 loss to Green Bay on Monday Night, the Eagles have to be in panic mode right now. At this juncture, the team would have to run the table and have the Cowboys lose every single game from hereon out to even tie Dallas' record. With a wild card slot their only hope for the postseason, this is a team that's going to have to get it's shit together real quick ... and they better be praying to the football gods for some big breaks heading down the December stretch.

08

Kansas City Chiefs (8-3)

Season Point Differential: +38

The Chiefs rallied late in the fourth to make it a tied ball game against Denver last Sunday night. And with two seconds left in extra time, Cairo Santos nailed a 34-yarder to give the Chiefs a crucial 30-27 divisional win. 

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

09

Seattle Seahawks (7-3-1)

Season Point Differential: +37

Russell Wilson - to put it mildly - played like shit in the Seahawks' 14-5 loss to the Buccaneers on Sunday. He wrapped up the game with just 151 yards on 17 completions, with no touchdowns and two interceptions. And oh yeah - he also got sacked six times for a cumulative loss of 33 freakin' yards. 

10

Oakland Raiders (9-2)

Season Point Differential: +32

Well, shit, what more can be said about the rousin', rallyin' Raiders of 2016? After leading the Panthers 24-7 at halftime, Carolina exploded with four touchdowns to gain the upperhand 32-24 early in the fourth. Which - of course - meant it was time for Derek Carr (who emerged from a horrifying pinkie injury in the third quarter donning a pimp glove) to knot things up with a TD pass to Clive Walford (and of course they went for two - the Raiders always go for two, and they always get it.) Another defensive stand and Oakland got the ball back, with just enough time on the clock for Sea-Bass to boot a field goal and send the Raiders faithful home happy with a 35-32 win. And as always, you can relive the magic and glory of the game in its entirety right here. 

11

New Orleans Saints (5-6)

Season Point Differential: +27

In a 49-21 pounding of the Rams, the Saints' passers combined for 346 yards and five touchdown passes. Drew Brees had four TD strikes and 310 yards while Willie Snead managed to bomb a 50-yarder for paydirt, too. And if that wasn't enough, N.O. also ran the rock for two touchdowns and 209 yards. 

12

Minnesota Vikings (6-5)

Season Point Differential: +26

In the Vikings 16-13 loss to the Lions, Sam Bradford lobbed the rock for 224 yards, completing 31 out of 37 attempts. Alas, he had no touchdown passes and the one interception he tossed was quite costly, indeed. 

13

San Diego Chargers (5-6)

Season Point Differential: +22

Philip Rivers had three touchdown passes in the Chargers' 21-13 win over the Texans. Even more impressive, each end zone pass wound up going to a different receiver, with Dontrelle Inman leading the pack with 119 yards on six receptions. 

14

New York Giants (8-3)

Season Point Differential: +18

To the surprise of absolutely no one, the G-Men bested the still winless Browns 27-13 on Sunday. Eli Manning had three touchdown passes in the affair, going 15 for 27 for 194 yards. OBJ lead all receivers in the contest, hauling in 96 yards and two TDs on just six catches.

15

Baltimore Ravens (6-5)

Season Point Differential: +17

Yes, the Ravens beat the Bengals 19-14 on Sunday, but that's not what's important. What is important is HOW they beat Cincinnati - which, in this case, came in the form of every single special teams player committing egregious holding penalties while their kicker dicked around in the end zone until the game clock expired. Yes, this is something you must see with your own two eyes, kids. 

16

Arizona Cardinals (4-6-1)

Season Point Differential: +17

You can never say "never" in the NFL, but Sunday's 38-19 loss to the Falcons basically means the Cardinals' season is over. Even if they run the table from hereon out, the best they can hope for is a 9-6-1 record - which, in an NFC wild card race this competitive, hardly seems good enough to punch a ticket to the postseason.

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

17

Washington Redskins (6-4-1)

Season Point Differential: +16

The 'Skins hung in there, but they ultimately succumbed to the red hot Cowboys 31-26 on Thanksgiving. Tis a shame, too - I hate to think that Kirk Cousins' 449-yard, three-touchdown day was all for naught. 

18

Tennessee Titans (6-6)

Season Point Differential: +12

The Titans head into a bye week sitting pretty at .500  following a 27-21 win over the defanged, declawed and de-testicled Bears. They better rest up, though, since their next two games on the docket are against the Broncos and the Chiefs - two of the absolute toughest teams in all of the AFC. 

19

Detroit Lions (7-4)

Season Point Differential: +09

With the game tied 13-13, Darius Slay intercepted the Vikings with just thirty seconds left on the clock. The abrupt turnover gave the Lions enough real estate to bop a field goal and win the whole kit and kaboodle 16-13 on Turkey Day, which in turn extended Detroit's divisional lead over Minnesota a full game.

20

Miami Dolphins (7-4)

Season Point Differential: +09

With the Broncos losing to the Chiefs, the Fins currently possess the AFC's sixth best record - which means, yes, they would get a crack at the playoffs if the postseason started right now. And Ryan Tannehill is not a QB you want to fuck with right now. In the Dolphins' 31-24 win over San Fran, he finished the contest 20 for 30 for 285 yards and three touchdown passes.

21

Carolina Panthers (4-7)

Season Point Differential: -05

In the early stages of the fourth quarter, the Panthers were up 32-24 against the Raiders. Cam and company had scored 25 unanswered points, and it looked like a demoralized Oakland squad was getting ready to roll over and play dead. Alas, the Raiders quickly rallied and regained the lead 35-32, and on fourth and long, with the game on the line ... well, this is what happened to last year's MVP. 

22

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-5)

Season Point Differential: -15

Don't look now, but the Bucs have won three in a row and are just one game back in the NFC South pennant chase. And you have to be impressed by the team's latest victory - an inspired 14-5 win over the Seattle Seahawks in which Jameis Winston lobbed two touchdown passes in the first quarter and simply coasted the remainder of the afternoon.

23

Green Bay Packers (5-6)

Season Point Differential: -15

Nope, the Packers ain't done quite yet. With their 27-13 win over the Eagles, Green Bay is just two games out of first place in the NFC Central. Fittingly enough, they conclude the regular season with back-to-back-to-back contests against all of their divisional foes - complete with a potential Jan. 01 Waterloo at Detroit.

24

Indianapolis Colts (5-6)

Season Point Differential: -31

How well can the Colts play without Andrew Luck under center? Well, as apparent by their 28-7 loss to the Steelers, not very. Backup Scott Tolzien went 22 for 36 in the losing bid, collecting 205 yards, one TD and two interceptions. And he got sacked thrice, resulting in a cumulative loss of 21 yards.

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

25

Cincinnati Bengals (3-7-1)

Season Point Differential: -32

Yeah, that 19-14 loss to Baltimore pretty much spells the end of the Bengals' ultra-disappointing 2016 season. Even if Cincy wins their remaining five games (SPOILER: that isn't going to happen), the best they can hope for is a 8-7-1 record ... which, in a super-competitive AFC wild card race, won't be anywhere near enough to get them into the postseason.

26

Houston Texans (6-5)

Season Point Differential: -42

After their 21-13 loss to the Chargers, you really have to start second-guessing Brock and pals' playoff aspirations. The Colts and Titans are both breathing heavy down their necks, and what do you know, Houston has road games against both of 'em over the next five weeks.

27

Los Angeles Rams (4-7)

Season Point Differential: -66

The Rams got their asses kicked something awful last Sunday, as the Saints beat 'em silly 49-21. Still, Jared Goff put in respectable numbers - three touchdowns, one INT and 214 yards on 20 completions. Just, uh, overlook all the times he got sacked, though.

28

New York Jets (3-8)

Season Point Differential: -70

Ryan Fitzpatrick put in arguably his best showing in quite some time in the Jets' 22-17 loss to the Pats. He posted two touchdowns and 269 yards on 22 completions, which was pretty damn close to Tom Brady's stats on the day. 

29

Jacksonville Jaguars (2-9)

Season Point Differential: -79

The Jags at least made things interesting against Buffalo. In the 28-21 loss, Blake Bortles had 126 yards and two touchdowns on 13 completions - plus another 81 yards rushing, a sum that more than doubles the amount of scrambling real estate picked up by Tyrod Taylor in the contest.

30

Chicago Bears (2-9)

Season Point Differential: -86

Matt Barkley did surprisingly well in the Bears' 27-21 loss to the Titans on Sunday. He went 28 for 54 for 316 yards and three TD strikes. Of course, he also got intercepted twice, but hey ... that's what growing pains are all about, aren't they?

31

San Francisco 49ers (1-10)

Season Point Differential: -116

And with their 31-24 loss to the Dolphins, the 49ers are now officially eliminated from playoff contention. Colin "Fuck America" Kaepernick had a respectable showing in the loss, accumulating 296 yards and three touchdown passes - unfortunately, his lecturing to native Miamians about the virtues of the Castro regime didn't really go over as well as he had hoped...

32

Cleveland Browns (0-12)

Season Point Differential: -155

And the miseries continue for the Browns. With their 27-13 loss to the Giants behind them, Cleveland is just four games away from posting the second-ever 0-16 season in NFL history. Hell, the bad luck appears to be following players off the gridiron - just ask Browns bench warmer Robert Griffin III, who had his car broken into while his team got their asses kicked on the playing field.

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2015-16 NFL Power Rankings (Week 10)

The odds are forever against your favor.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo__X

THE ELITES

01

New England Patriots 

Season Point Differential: (+134)

It took the Pats a last second field goal, but they still managed to slip past Eli and the Giants in their toughest game of the season thus far, 27-26. Tom Terrific surpassed 300 yards again in his two touchdown game, which included a 76-yard TD zip to Gronk, who finished the contest with 113 yards on five catches.

02

Arizona Cardinals

Season Point Differential: (+117)

Carson Palmer posted 363 yards, three touchdowns and a solo INT in the Cards 39-32 win over NFC West rivals Seattle. Although Larry Fitzgerald had more yardage, receiver Michael Floyd was clearly the offensive MVP, wrapping up the game with 113 yards on seven receptions -- two of which resulted in trips to the end one. 

03

Cincinnati Bengals 

Season Point Differential: (+83)

Cincy tasted defeat for the first team all season, when the lowly Texans upset 'em on Monday Night, 10-6. "Bad Andy Dalton" made his long-awaited return to the gridiron, as the Bengals QB had no touchdowns, an INT and only 197 passing yards; despite their star-studded receiving corps, the only person on the team who could post any points was kicker Mike Nugent. 

04

Carolina Panthers

Season Point Differential: (+80)

The only undefeated team in the NFC continued their winning ways Sunday, as Cam Newton and Company beat up border state rivals Tennessee 27-10. The Panthers QB passed and ran for touchdowns, while the stellar defense really put a hurtin' on the Titans; they limited the boys in two-tone blue to just 185 receiving yards and only 64 on the ground. 

05

Pittsburgh Steelers

Season Point Differential: (+45)

After back-up QB Landry Jones went down with an injury, in came injured starter Big Ben to save the day for Pittsburgh. In the Steelers' 30-9 win over Cleveland, Roethlisberger had three touchdowns and 379 yards, ultimately competing 22 out of 33 passing attempts. Meanwhile, the dynamic duo of Martavis Bryant and Antonio  Brown continue scorching the field, teaming up for a ridiculous 317 yards and three touchdowns hauls. 

06

Minnesota Vikings

Season Point Differential: (+44)

Although Teddy Bridgewater only had 140 yards and a solo TD pass on Sunday, that was really all the Vikes needed to upend the Raiders, in a game the Purple People Eaters wound up winning 30-14. A.P. absolutely thrashed Oakland's defensive line, posting 203 yards on the day - including an 80-yard TD run where he practically galloped into the end zone untouched. 

07

Atlanta Falcons

Season Point Differential: (+39)

The Falcons took the week off, as they look to snap a two-game losing streak this weekend against a Luck-less (and I mean that in more ways than one) Colts squad. Posting 402.2 yards per game, Atlanta possesses the League's fifth best offense; allowing 342.3 yards per contest, they own the NFL's 14th ranked defense. 

08

Denver Broncos

Season Point Differential: (+37)

Talk about a bittersweet day; despite breaking the all-time NFL record for passing yards, Peyton Manning proceeded to have one of the WORST games in recent NFL history, as he went five for 20 on passing attempts, for 35 yards, AND FOUR INTERCEPTIONS. Eventually, backup Brock Osweiler got called up; with 146 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio, he played noticeably better than Frankenstein head, although the Broncos still bested the Chiefs, 29-13. 

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

09

Green Bay Packers

Season Point Differential: (+34)

The losers of three games in a row, the Packers are slowly slip-sliding into mediocrity. The latest setback for Green Bay? An unfathomable 18-16 home loss to the lowly Lions, despite A-Rod's 333 passing yards and two touchdowns. 

10

New York Jets 

Season Point Differential: (+33)

The struggling Jets dropped to 5-4 on the season following last weekend's 22-17 loss to divisional foes Buffalo, which sets them up for an interesting showdown against the much-improved Texans this Sunday. Posting 360.6 yards per game, the J-Men possess the League's 11th-ranked offense; allowing their adversaries just 318.4 yards per contest, they own the fourth best defensive numbers in the NFL. 

11

Kansas City Chiefs 

Season Point Differential: (+29)

After a slow start, K.C. is 4-5 and looking very solid, offensively and defensively. After crushing the Lions two weeks ago, they made life miserable for the Broncos last Sunday, picking Peyton off four times in a 29-13 victory. Charcandrick West proved a multifaceted threat in the contest; he had 69 yards and a TD on 24 carries, while collecting another touchdown, and another 92 yards, on just three receptions. 

12

Philadelphia Eagles

Season Point Differential: (+28)

Neither Sam Bradford or Mark Sanchez played all that well in the Eagles' narrow 20-19 loss to Miami. The former Rams QB had 236 yards and a solo TD, while the former Jets ball-slinger (and butt-fumbler) had just 156 yards and an INT. The defense did a good job stopping the Fins' passing and rushing attack, but the Eagles just couldn't find a way to turn their aerial yards into points; despite racking up almost 400 yards in the air (averaging 11.9 yards per catch), Philly's receivers could only find the end zone once in the contest. 

13

Buffalo Bills

Season Point Differential: (+24)

The Bills move to 5-4 following their 22-17 win over the Jets. While the team's defense did very well - limiting New York to 128 yards rushing and 193 yards passing - Buffalo's offense still struggled. By the game's end, they had just 148 yards on the ground, and only 158 yards by air. 

14

New York Giants

Season Point Differential: (+20)

The G-Men came close, but their defense just didn't hold up down the stretch in their narrow 27-26 loss to New England Sunday evening. With two touchdowns and 361 yards sans an INT, Eli actually had better passing stats than Tom Brady, as Odell Beckham Jr. and Dwayne Harris combined for two scores and 196 yards on 10 receptions. 

15

Seattle Seahawks

Season Point Differential: (+20)

Russell Wilson was ho-hum in the Seahawks' 39-32 loss to the Cardinals, going 1-for-1 in touchdowns-to-interceptions and racking up just 240 yards on 32 pass attempts. Receiver Doug Baldwin looked downright pimp, though, accumulating 134 yards and a TD on seven catches. 

16

Washington Redskins

Season Point Differential: (-04)

It sounds crazy now, but with a few lucky breaks, the 'Skins might just find themselves the unlikely divisional champs of the NFC East come January. Their latest victory, a 47-14 mauling of the pass-happy Saints, is easily the team's most impressive showing of the season. Not only did Kirk Cousins lob four TDs and rack up 324 yards in the air, Matt Jones averaged an absurd 43.7 yards per catch, finishing the game with 131 yards and a TD haul on just three receptions. 

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

17

Oakland Raiders

Season Point Differential: (-14)

While Derek Carr had 302 passing yards and two touchdowns, he also had two interceptions in the Raiders' 30-14 loss to the Vikings. Their defense played the exact opposite of the way it has been playing all season; despite holding Minnesota's receivers to just 140 yards, the Raiders' D-line inexplicably became incapable of preventing the run, allowing A.P. and pals to put up 263 yards on the ground. 

18

St. Louis Rams

Season Point Differential: (-17)

Nick Foles flat-out sucked in the Rams' 37-13 loss to Da' Bears this past weekend, finishing the game with just 200 yards, no touchdowns and an interception. Even worse? Rookie-of-the-year candidate Todd Gurley really underperformed; despite scoring a TD, he racked up just rushing 45 yards.

19

Baltimore Ravens

Season Point Differential: (-26)

Dropping any game to Jacksonville is rough, but when it is a 22-20 loss, it REALLY has to sting. Needless to say, Joe Flacco was rather inconsistent at QB; despite throwing three touchdowns and racking up 316 yards, he also tossed two interceptions and had a costly fumble. The aerial attack was OK (three different receivers had TD hauls) but the run game was lackluster, resulting in no touchdowns and just 89 yards on the day.

20

Houston Texans

Season Point Differential: (-27)

Pulling off arguably the biggest upset of the season so far, the 4-5 Texans knocked the Bengals off the rolls of the unbeaten in a low-scoring Monday Night Football affair. With Brian Hoyer playing Hoyer-ible, third-stringer T.J. Yates waltzed in and posted the only TD of the game, a 22-yard toss to DeAndre Hopkins, to give Houston the ultimate 10-6 victory. And just like that, the Texans suddenly find themselves sitting in pole position of the AFC South. 

21

Indianapolis Colts

Season Point Differential: (-27)

With Andrew Luck sitting out with a lacerated kidney, the 4-5 Colts will have to try and win this Sunday's game against Atlanta with none other than THE Matt Hasselback behind center. Averaging 353.7 yards per game, they are the League's 15th ranked offense;allowing 394.2 yards per game, however, they rank 28th overall in terms of defense. 

22

Miami Dolphins

Season Point Differential: (-34)

While the offense sputtered - 217 yards receiving and 99 rushing - the Fins still found a way to surmount the Eagles, 20-19. Although the trifecta of Rishard Matthews, Jarvis Landry and Lamar Miller were effective (combined, they had almost 300 receiving yards and two touchdowns), this is really more of a game Philly lost more than the Dolphins earned. 

23

Chicago Bears

Season Point Differential: (-35)

The 4-5 Bears looked pretty solid against St. Louis, pounding the Ram 37-13 over the weekend. Jay Cutler went 19 for 24 on passing attempts, ultimately producing 258 yards and three aerial touchdowns. Zach Miller posted two touchdown hauls and 107 yards, while Jeremy Langford had 73 yards on the ground and a TD to complement his 109 receiving yards and touchdown catch. and on top of that? The Bears defense limited Todd Gurley and the rest of the Rams running back corps to just 94 yards on the day.

24

San Diego Chargers

Season Point Differential: (-39)

I don't know if you all noticed this before, but the Chargers' logo is a bolt of lightning. Well, the team, sitting at a pitiful 2-7, certainly need to be super-charged following their bye week, as they lock horns with the surging Chiefs this Sunday. Despite their lowly record, the Chargers actually possess the League's fourth-ranked offense, averaging 413.9 yards per game. Alas, their defense is pretty lackluster; allowing 372.1 yards per game, they rank 24th overall. 

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

25

Tennessee Titans

Season Point Differential: (-45)

Marcus Mariota has certainly seen better days than the Titans' 27-10 loss to the Panthers over the weekend. He finished the game going 16 for 24 with no touchdowns, an interception and a fairly low 185 passing yards, while no-name Dexter McCluster led the team in rushing yards with a paltry 25 on the ground. 

26

Tampa Bay Buccaneers 

Season Point Differential: (-46)

Jameis Winston looked pretty bad in the Bucs' 10-6 win over the Cowboys, passing for 264 yards and lobbing two interceptions. Of course, he did have a three-yard TD rush, which was the only time ANYBODY found the end zone in Sunday's snoozer of a contest. 

27

Dallas Cowboys

Season Point Differential: (-48)

The Cowboys' woes continue, as Matt Cassel threw for 186 yards and no touchdowns in a 10-6 loss to the Buccaneers. The run game was just pathetic, with the team posting just 42 yards on 21 rushes; the aerial offense hardly did any better, as Dez Bryant, Jason Witten and Terrence Williams combined for 116 yards on 12 catches, while Tampa Bay wideout Mike Evans finished the game with 126 yards on just eight catches all by his damn self. 

28

New Orleans Saints

Season Point Differential: (-60)

After some impressive offensive performances as of late, the Saints reverted back to the Aints on Sunday, as Drew Brees had a two and two TD-to-INT ratio and just 209 yards in New Orleans' backbreaking 47-14 loss to the Redskins. The silver lining? Receiver Brandin Cooks looked tremendous, collecting two touchdowns and 98 yards on just five catches. 

29

Jacksonville Jaguars

Season Point Differential: (-63)

Blake Bortles didn't have the most impressive stats - two touchdowns, one interception and just 188 passing yards - but he nonetheless did enough to lead the Jags to a 22-20 win over the Ravens. Although the Jacksonville run game was a bore (90 yards, no scores), receivers Allen Hurns and Allen Robinson shined; combined, the two Allens had 113 yards and two touchdowns on just 10 catches. 

30

Cleveland Browns 

Season Point Differential: (-91)

In the Browns' 30-9 ass-kicking at the hands of Pittsburgh, Johnny Football actually outpassed Big Ben in terms of yardage. Alas, while America's favorite Rust Belt rapist had three touchdowns in the contest, Give 'Em Hell Manziel went 1-and-1 on touchdowns-to-interceptions. Oh, and the Browns' run game? It only put up a pitiful 15 yards, once you factor in backs getting dropped behind the line. 

31

Detroit Lions

Season Point Differential: (-94)

Detroit what!?! The Lions celebrated their first victory in the state of Wisconsin since 1991 last weekend, as Stafford and pals bested the Pack 18-16. Even with the "W," however, there are plenty of things to be concerned about if your are a Detroit die-hard; Megatron and Golden Tate had no TDs, the run game only accumulated 45 yards and the defense still let the Packers light 'em up down the stretch, as A-Rod tossed the rock for 333 yards. 

32

San Francisco 49ers 

Season Point Differential: (-97)

If it felt like there was a lot less "LOL" going on in pro football this past week, it was because the Niners had a bye. Heading into this Sunday's divisional clash against the Seahawks, San Fran ranks dead last in offense, posting a puny 286.2 yards per game. Allowing 392.4 yards per contest, they also find themselves resting at the bottom of the list when it comes to total defense -- only five teams in the League are giving up more yards per game than the 49ers.

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