Revisiting PRIDE FC 5 from 1999!

Are you ready for quite possibly the most forgettable PRIDE event in history? Hell, I just started this article and I’ve ALREADY forgotten about it!

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Double Review - "Disobedience" / "Vampire Clay"

One's a movie about Rachel McAdams and Rachel Weisz playing lesbians that hock loogies in each other's mouth for sexual gratification and the other's about demonically-possessed Play-Doh eating art students in rural Japan ... don't ever say we don't give you variety, folks.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

I'm not the first person to say this, but a good goddamn, is going to the movies EXPENSIVE these days.

You wonder why Hollywood revenue keeps dropping? Maybe it has something to do with the fact it takes $80 fuckin' dollars to go see a flick at the multiplex nowadays. Seriously, I took my woman to go see the newest Avengers movie and those fuckers charged us $50 dollars ... no shit, $50 U.S. dollars ... for a pair of movie tickets. And this wasn't even that big-ass, 3D, surround-sound, IMAX shit either, it was a regular two-dimensional screening on a normal-sized projector, with a tinny-ass audio system that kept making that weird scrubbing sound every two-to-three minutes. Then they had the audacity to charge us ANOTHER $20 for a large bucket of popcorn and some Snow Caps, and and additional $10 for two SMALL sodas with no refill privileges.

Granted, I've come to expect inflation with everything in this, post-Obama's America, but good lord, how did going to the movies become THIS expensive over the course of just five years? And furthermore, just how in the hell does Hollywood expect regular Americans to be able to afford to go to the movies more than a handful a' times a year if its going to cost $80 smackers a visit?

You see, Hollywood's just about thrown in the towel. They know the only thing people are going to spend money on is Disney-shit, superhero movies and the occasional "sociopolitically-charged" genre movie that finds a new-ish way to blame whitey for everything. You might get a little return on investment with shitty horror movies around Halloween and crappy biopics and family features around Christmas, but that's still not enough to cover their losses from the latest $80 million dollar box office turd starring Amy Schumer and Melissa McCarthy and whichever unfunny bitch El Lay has convinced itself honest, decent, hard-workin' people of the soil are willing to spend money on even though their entire shtick revolves around mocking Middle America's most cherished values and ideals.

It's not even cool to go the movies anymore. For that matter, people don't even talk about movies themselves that much anymore. It's all about Netflix and HBO and whatever bullshit they're binge-watching that week. Kids today already see movie theaters as passe, and we're probably only 20 years — if that long — away from cinemas having about as much economic import as video stores. This is Hollywood's last, desperate cash grab before getting completely replaced by the vastly superior, subscription-based, internet-driven movie-watching model. As a matter of fact, as soon as this capeshit/Star Wars bull crap falls out of fashion, the American movie industry is kaput. Outside of sperging out with a bunch of fanboy NEETS on opening night so you can look at Rocket Raccoon's ballsack on a 30-foot screen, there's practically no social utility for the modern movie theater. Why spend $80 for one night out when you can just spend $15 a month and get a literally unlimited amount of cinematic entertainment across ALL of your multimedia devices, wherever you are in the world? 

The writing isn't just on the wall, it's practically welded onto it with big, blinking neon letters. At no point in consumer history have Americans EVER chosen a more expensive, less mobile option over a less expensive, more mobile one. Never, ever, in history. The boombox got supplanted by the iPod, the CRT monitor got supplanted by the plasma screen tablet and the fact your city probably has 78 McDonald's and zero sit-down, family-style diners tells you everything you need to know about the American consumer's need (not want) for high-speed, low-cost delivery models. 

Hell, at this point CHINA's communist, godless movie industry will probably start raking in more moolah than Hollywood by 2022, 2023 at the absolute latest. The common folk don't have the time, nor the patience, nor the desire to shell out $100 for two and a half hours of "entertainment" and oil-slicked popcorn no more; and the industry's awe-inspiring hubris that "event movies" like Infinity War are going to safeguard it from going the way of one-hour photo and VCR repair diplomas is just going to make its inevitable downfall all the more enjoyable to watch from afar. 

And after emptying my wallet this last go at-it, all I can do is reiterate the nearly 30-year-old verbiage of that sage prophet, Chuck D. — burn, Hollywood burn, indeed.

...and saliva fetishism. Lots of it.

Speaking of wishful thinking, here's to hoping that Disobedience inspires an entire generation of filmgoers to consider spit-kissing a mainstream activity. Yep, thanks to director Sebastian Lelio, we might just be on the verge of saliva-swapping transforming from a niche weirdo porno perversion into a bona-fide, culturally accepted display of affection, considering the marquee moment of his new flick is when lesbo lovers Rachel Weisz and Rachel McAdams take turns hocking loogies in one another's mouths for sexual gratification. Sure, we've seen mainstream-ish directors trudge this territory before, like in The Neon Demon, but considering THAT movie featured spit-kissing between one living actor and a cadaver, well, let's just say Disobedience has a better chance of making ooky-mouth go legit than the oeuvre of Nicholas Winding Refn. I can see it now — lovelorn couples taking turns dripping goobers down each other's esophagi in amorous embraces at the airport. Middle schoolers getting written up for coughing phlegm into one another's mouths in-between classes. Hell, instead of the traditional wedding buss, mayhap we'll start seeing spouses slobbering sputum all over each other like porn stars now, and if it ever does, we'll probably have this movie right here to thank.

The movie starts off with this rabbi talking about the differences between beasts and humans before dropping dead on the floor of the synagogue. Then we cut to Rachel Weisz (who looks like a middle age Lordes, know that I think about it) taking pictures of old dudes covered in tattoos. Then she goes to a bar and lets some random guy shag her in the bathroom, then she ice skates for a bit looking all disappointed in herself. So — not that you really needed me to tell you this — yes, this is indeed one of those pretentious, "arthouse"-type movies. Then she goes to a house party hosted by another rabbi and she drinks tea and smokes in the kitchen and she busts this one dude's balls by making fun of the woman he married and then Rachel McAdams shows up in a brown wig and dressed like a 19-year-old bible college student. Then Weisz goes downstairs and listens to some Jew-singing, then Addams lets Weiss spend the night at her place and she starts kvetching about whether or not she loved the old dead rabbi as much as everybody else did. Then she starts asking McAdams if she and her yarmulke-sporting husband are happy being married and they say "of course" so you KNOW they're having some major relationship difficulties going on. Then Weisz goes to her old rabbi's grave and we find out the dead dude is actually her father, which is a surprise to me because I didn't know rabbis were allowed to have sex with anything but 12-year-old boys.

Then McAdams resumes teaching singing classes at an all-girl school while Weiss goes out and buys some apple strudel. Then McAdams goes home and takes her wig off and shows us her buttcheeks and her tit-tays for about two seconds and then she and her husband do the nasty. Then they go to dinner and talk about feminism for a bit and how women "erase their own histories" by taking their husbands' last names  and Weisz said she wants to sell her dad's old house and all the old Jews are agog and she criticizes them for forcing her into "institutional obligation" or some other shit and apparently, all this fierce independent womanhood makes McAdams a bit moist in her panties so she just sits there staring lovingly at her throughout the rest of the dinner.

Then Weisz gets a haircut and another old Jew man yells at her for not being there when her father died. Then McAdams runs into an old friend that has like 16 kids at a grocery store and she runs into McAdams again and they decide to go back to their place and Weisz turns on the radio until she finds a station playing The Cure and then they just walk around the house for a bit talking about reading the Torah and then all of a sudden McAdams starts squeezing on Weisz's boobies and then they start kissing on the lips and McAdams starts to freak out a little and then they stop smooching and Weisz starts to leave the house but then she goes down stairs and they start making out again and yes, you probably will get a boner at this point.

They go for a walk afterwards and Weisz starts smoking and they say they've never done anything lesbian before and then McAdams starts smoking, too, and they both confess that they have fantasies about doing it with other women. Then they go into a tunnel and make out some more but some people show up so McAdams has to vamoose. Then McAdams goes home and yanks her wig off and takes a shower and you can kinda' see her breasts through the opaque glass but not really. Then her husband barges in the bathroom and you get a shot of her yamboosas, but only from the reflection in the mirror. But hey — as far as I'm concerned, that still counts.

Then McAdams goes back to school and she's giving a lecture to her students about blood sacrifices or something like that and McAdams' husband starts going through the protocols to become a rabbi himself. Then McAdams tells Weisz she just can't do the whole clam-digging thing and Weisz says she's leaving town then they go to a subway (the kind with trains, not hoagies) and wind up in a dark alleyway somewhere in London so they can snog some more. Then they get a hotel room and McAdams starts kissing on Weisz's boobies and goes down on her and they take turns fingering each other while museum elevator music plays and then we arrive at the moment of truth — the scene where they FINALLY start playing ooky-mouth with each other. And yeah, call me kinky, but watching Evelyn Carnahan from The Mummy turn Regina George's mouth into a saliva receptacle is pretty dadgum hot, if I may say so myself.

Anyhoo, they get done munching each other's fish tacos and they smoke cigarettes indoor and Weisz asks McAdams if she can take her picture and then her rabbi husband comes home and tries to get frisky with her because they always do it on a Friday (apparently, it's some sort of Hebrew thing, I think) but this time around she rebuffs his advances, goes to the bathroom sink and starts blowing chunks. Then McAdams tells her husband she kissed Weisz and then he starts shaking her and shoots her a mean look and walks out the door, all stoic-looking and stuff even though you just KNOW he be mad as hell right now.

There's some more Jew-singing (I'm sure there's a technical name for it, but I'm too lazy to look it up) and McAdams' husband just stands there looking like he swallowed a turd the whole time so he goes home and pours himself a stiff drink and by the time he, his wife and Weisz have dinner he's already three sheets to the wind and you kept expecting him to freak out, but he never does and Weisz hops in a cab and gets the heck out of (proverbial) Dodge. Then McAdams socks a toboggan over her head, hops on a bus, goes to a pharmacy, buys a whole bunch of drugs and starts praying up against her closet (get it?) like it was the Wailing Wall. Then Weisz and McAdams' husband (I think they might be siblings, you'll have to double-check Wikipedia on your own time) check out the dead rabbi's cleaned out house and he tells her he wish his wife never met her and then McAdams tells her she's pregnant and gives a speech about fearing her child will grow up in an oppressive Jewish millieu that will deprive her (of course she assumes her child is going to be female) of personal liberty and that she's leaving him and her husband, because he's the world's biggest cuck, just walks out the door like it ain't no thang. Then everybody goes to the formal wake or whatever the Jew-equivalent of a Christian wake is and they all try to avoid making eye contact and Weisz asks McAdams to come to New York with her and McAdams' husband is announced as the new rabbi and he tries to give a speech but his nerves are so jangled he can't read his notes and then he starts going on a rant about what "choice" and "freedom" really means and I think it's supposed to parallel what the dead rabbi was saying about men and women and beasts at the very beginning of the movie and of course the whole diatribe is a big "fuck you" to his wife and then he looks her dead in the eyes and screams "YOU ARE FREE!"  Then all three of them have a group hug outside and McAdams' husband tells Weisz "shalom" and he's not even mad she had an affair with his wife no more and she gets in a cab and McAdams chases after her to give her one last smooch and tells her she will make a great mother and Weisz starts crying and she visits her daddy's grave so she can take a picture of it and yep, that's how the movie ends.

We've got one dead body. Four breasts. Two exposed female buttocks. Multiple lesbian liplocks. Gratuitous Torah reading. Gratuitous kvetching. And the thing more or less responsible for this movie existing in the first place ... some serious spit-swapping fu (expect mono cases to spike coast-to-coast once this thing starts making the rounds on HBO.)

Starring Rachel Weisz as the free-spirited photog that likes to smoke indoors and take pictures of everything; Rachel McAdams as the wig-wearing closeted lesbo that feels iffy about the Jewish patriarchy; Alessandro Nivola as the cucked rabbi who's totally cool with his wife getting her tuna taco licked by another woman; and Nicholas Woodeson as the rabbi who says a bunch of stuff about man and beasts at the beginning of the move then promptly keels over.

Written by Rebecca Lenkiewicz (yep, another Catholic screenplay writer, obviously) and Sebastian Lelio, who also directed all this shit.

Call me crazy, but I kind of enjoyed it. It's not a great movie by any stretch, but the acting is pretty good and there's a lot of good atmosphere building up to the grand finale where the rabbi-in-training finally confronts his philandering spouse about all of that snatch-diving she's been doing on the down-low ... although the ending, obviously, is the text-book definition of anticlimactic. I give it a decent two and a half tofu dogs out of four. Jimbo says check it out, but wait until it starts playing on Showtime so you can whack your weasel to it.

Actually, that's one of the better special effects in the movie.

Speaking of shameless, disgusting things, that brings us to our second feature of the week, the new Japaheeno horror-comedy Vampire Clay, which might just be the first zombie movie ever made about the standards being too darned high in Tokyo's art academies.

The movie starts off with this middle-aged hag unearthing a bag of modeling clay in her backyard, and since this is a horror movie, of course it ain't no regular kind of modeling clay ... but we'll get back to that in just a minute. First, we've got to meet all the students at this one countryside art college, which I'm pretty sure is the Japanese equivalent of going to DeVry. Then the new girl in school unties the bag of mystery clay  and starts making facsimiles of starfruit with it and then she thinks she sees it breathing when she spritzes it with water and then their teacher comes in and tells them to not be so goddamned conventional with their designs, which considering they are Japanese, after all, is kinda' like trying to teach a fish to ride a unicycle.

So the students (like Suspiria, they're all predominantly female) get kind of subversively catty with each other and then the clay grows penis-like tendrils and starts stealing their razor blades. Then one of the girls pokes herself on a discarded razor and bleeds all over a ceramic ashtray in the making and this old one dude shows up and just stares at the bike rack and he sees somebody dug a hole in the backyard and he has flashbacks of a giant hot dog monster eating everybody and then he starts running to the hills like a madman. Then the clay escapes at night and starts lurching around the place looking like a sentient dog turd and eating all the school's pet gerbils. 

Then the students kvetch about not being good enough to get into a real art school and their teacher has flashbacks to her husband cheating on her and then — conveniently enough — an earthquake strikes. Then they bicker and argue over the role of "individuality" in modern art some more and then this one girl sneaks into the art room after hours and one of the clay sculptures comes alive and starts eating her hand. Then it barfs out the gerbil it ate later and it sprouts tendrils and jumps in her mouth and she has to poke the possessed clay head with a fork but when she goes to text for help her OWN fingers turn into taffy and next thing you know her hands are melding together into a big old wad of intestinal bubble gum and then one of her arms falls off and then the other arm turns into a Play-Doh whale and eats her entire upper torso.

Then the girl everybody thought got ate by Play-Doh shows up out of the woods and she razor blades another student while she's grabbing a smoke so she can eat her blood, then her face falls off and she starts shoving her big cancer-squid clay hands inside her gizzards. Then she shows up a couple of minutes later looking all normal and stuff, but right before she can attack her teacher with a box cutter the only male student there accidentally bumps it out of her hands. Then she does something truly evil — she eats one of her fellow students' rice lunches without their permission. Then she grabs a butcher knife and cuts his face with it then a set of Kermit the Frog lips pop out of her head and start eating him. Then he's possessed with Play-Doh fever and he's running around waving a butcher knife around like Michael Myers and he ends up hacking off his own hand and then more clay tendrils start chasing after another girl, then he replaces his arm with a triangular ruler and the girl shoves it through his left cheek and then he starts trying to headbutt her like Bam Bam Bigelow and that's when the teacher shows up to shove a lunchbox through his face and knock his head clean off his shoulders. Then the crazy old man from the beginning of the mouth shows up with a portable heater and dries his ass up before stomping him into a million billion pieces.

Then we get the back story on the titular vampire clay. Apparently some autistic sculptor sold his soul to the devil so he could meet the requirements of a big restaurant order or something like that. But apparently he lived on top a toxic waste dump so he had super cancer, so he decided to start making sculptures with his own blood and the restaurant guy Jews him out of his royalties so they get into a kung fu fight and the sculptor keels over and I think his soul entered the sculpture's body or something. Oh, and that restaurant guy is the crazy old man, because apparently, even shitty Japanese movies nowadays need some sort of midway-point plot twist.

Then the surviving two girls, their teacher and the old dude start rounding up all the stray pieces of clay they can find, then one of the zombies shows up with a Mr. Potato Head doll growing out of the left side of her face and she throws a scalpel at them so the old dude has no choice but to blowtorch her. Then there's an earthquake and a bag of dried clay gets ripped open and the old dude breathes in the dust and he gives him autistic sculptor zombie flu, too and he starts coughing up blood and a giant frog-retard sculpture starts growing out of his chest and turns into a herky-jerky stop-motion midget that's ready to eat everybody left in the cast.  Which means you know EXACTLY what to expect in the grand finale:  two girls, one claymation monster, one VERY unreliable homemade blowtorch and a whole hell of a lot of things getting stabbed over and over again ... only for the final 15 minutes of the movie to consist of the sole surviving art student consoling her teacher for not getting into the good arts academy when she was younger and them burying the zombie clay in one of them suicide forests Japan's all famous for.

And yes, there is a sequel hook, of course — so next year, be on the lookout for the follow-up, Vampire Mixed Media.  

We've got seven dead bodies. No breasts. Six zombies. One dead gerbil. Multiple claymation rape attempts. Arms roll. Hands roll. Face slashing. Head stomping. Bloody face picking. Gratuitous slow-motion effect, for no discernible reason whatsoever. Gratuitous business partner battering. Box cutter fu. Fork fu. Plastic ruler fu. Blowtorch fu. And the thing more or less responsible for this movie existing in the first place ... some heavy duty ceramics fu.

Starring Ena Fujita as the final girl ... or, at least, the final girl who isn't in the clutches of menopause; Asuka Kurosawa as the art school teacher who has to protect her students from zombies using plastic compasses; Kanji Tsuda as the unscrupulous restaurateur who still feels guilty about turning his business partner into a  piece of sentient sculpting clay 20 years later; and Kanji Tsuda as the creator of the titular vampire clay, who probably won't become the next big horror genre icon, no matter how bad the makers of the movie tried.

Written and directed by first time feature film director and special effects maestro Soichi Umezawa, who has to be given a little bit of credit for trying to merge The Thing with Heathers for about 45 yen and almost being halfway successful at it, to boot.

It might be a little too wacky for hardcore horror fans and a little too gross for the normies, and while it's far from being a brilliant, subversive, Gozu or Visitor Q type arthouse J-horror flick, it's still pretty enjoyable for what it is. I give it an OK two and a half tofu dogs out of four. Jimbo says check it out, but only if you've got way too much time to kill one rainy afternoon.

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Revisiting PRIDE FC 2 from 1998!

Think you're a real MMA fan? Well, you ain't shit until you've seen Renzo Gracie smell another man's balls for 50 minutes straight ...

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

Our whirlwind journey through the ENTIRE Pride FC fightography continues with a look back at the company's second-ever show — ingeniously titled "Pride FC 2" — which took place at the Yokohama Arena on March 15, 1998.

In terms of financial performance and in-ring quality, I think it's safe to say the inaugural Pride FC event was a rousing success, perhaps even one that was vastly larger than most people anticipated. After drawing damn near 50,000 people to the Tokyo Dome, it was pretty much a given that Nobuhiko Takada and Nobuyuki Sakakibara would attempt to recapture that same magic much sooner than later. And so, five months later, they decided to host the second Pride event in Yokohama, a considerably smaller venue, with a decisively shittier line-up of fights. And trust me — as bad as these fights sound on paper, I assure you they are ten times worse in motion.

But hey, don't take my word for it ... instead, take about 2,000 of them as I recount, reflect and (regrettably) reminisce on Pride's less than spectacular sophomore outing.

Up first, it's Royler Gracie taking on Yuhi (Naoki) Sano. Our commentators are Bas Rutten and Stephen Quadros, a.k.a. the best MMA play-by-play duo in fuckin' history. Royler is giving up about 50 pounds in this fight to the former UWFi grappler. And it SHOWS. Goddamn does Royler look anorexic. Rutten says Sano's fighting to prove pro wrestling ain't no joke. Royler has double hooks in and he's pulling Sano into the butterfly guard. Sano holding his own quite well up to this point. And on cue, Royler lands a sweep and hops into the full mount. Whoops. Sano is holding onto Royler for dear life. He tries to shuck Gracie off but Royler isn't giving up much ground. He keeps jumping from side to side. Sano is still flattened out on the mat. And Sano finaly manages to push Royler off. Gracie goes for a triangle and Sano ALMOST powerbombs his ass. Now both men are standing again. Royler clinches and he's trying to goad Sano into the butterfly guard again. Bas Rutten says Royler is built like a rock climber, which is actually a pretty apt little description. Also Quadros loses a lot of cred when he refers to Takada as "the Hulk Hogan of Japan." Royler looking for another triangle. Sano stands up and he falls back into the guard for no real comprehensible reason whatsoever. By the way, we're about five minutes into this and nobody's landed a single strike. Sano defends a single leg takedown and Royler ties him up again. Royler with another beautiful sweep. He's in side control. Quadros reminds us that this fight isn't being scored using points, so yeah, none of this shit technically counts, I suppose. Royler still trying to get into the full mount. The audience is dead silent for all of this shit and Rutten starts singing Simon and Garfunkel, because let's face it, there isn't a whole hell of a lot else to do right about now. Royler has Sano's neck cradled. He's in the full mount — we're talking the straight up missionary position at this point. "Nobody wants to see this," Rutten comments before singing "The Sound of Silence" again. Quadros is wondering why Royler isn't trying to smother his opponent so he can set up a cheap submission attempt. Hoo boy, this is a glorified BJJ grappling session right here. Rutten can't fathom how quiet the fans are, stating he doesn't want to have to watch this shit for another half hour. Royler is back in the full mount. Quadros bets Rutten "a million dollars" this fight won't make it a full 30 minutes. Royler FINALLY lands a punch. Sano tries to sweep and Royler starts working from side control again. Royler peppers Sano with the pussiest punches you have ever seen in your life. He is literally love tapping that motherfucker. LOL at comparing Royler's strategy to that of Alexis Arguello, of all fuckin' people. I mean, for real, nigga? "It's almost like two insects fighting," Quadros says. Cue Rutten's impressive Tony Montana impersonation. Shit, that alone makes this god awful fight worth it. Royler back in the full mount ... again. Well, it only took 20 minutes, but Sano is FINALLY trying to punch back. "I don't think fights like this are going to set the general public on fire," Quadros said. "People don't just want to see technique and strategy, they want drama." Truer words have never been spoken, Holmes. Quadros says this is the equivalent of a slow blues band taking the stage of a "thrash punk" festival. "This is not a fight, this is just two people laying on each other," Rutten said. Royler with more pansy-ass pillow-fists. Royler back in the full mount. Shit, this is one of the most boring things I've ever seen in my life. "They're probably applauding the fight is almost over," Quadros says. Rutten goes on a spiel about not being able to get a beer during the fight after waiting 30 minutes for something to happen. Now Sano is trying to hop in the full mount and Royler is rocking his face hard. It looks like Sano is trying to make Royler submit by smelling his cock. Now Royler is throwing some upkicks. Looks like Royler was playing possum with his punches after all. Royler throwing for the fences with his back on the mat. Sano looks beyond gassed at this point. Sano still trying to get in the full mount. Royler with several upkicks and Sano is bleeding profusely. Royler with a fucking roundhouse kick WHILE ON HIS BACK. No, for real. Sano is back in the full guard and Royler is punching the shit out of him. Quadros makes a reference to Kids in the Hall, of all fucking things. Royler still cracking Sano like bubble wrap. Royler with another upkick and Rutten asks Gracie to kick Sano in the balls. The refs stop the "action" so they can tape up Royler's glove. Royler shoots for a takedown and he gets it. He's working from the full mount and he's got an armbar locked in. Sano taps, and mercifully, this one is FINALLY over.

The official time is 33:14, if you were wondering. Quadros celebrates Royler's performance as strategically brilliant, comparing his technique to that of a slow cooker.

Ka-Sushi Sock-A-Rob-You? Eh, he'll never be anything more than a mid-carder, at best ...

Now we get Akira Shoji (who had that surprisingly awesome fight against Renzo Gracie back at Pride FC 1) taking on Juan Mott. Gotta' dig Shoji's CLASSY attempt at a ninth-grader's mustache and goatee combo. Both men feigning early. Mott with a decent low kick. Shoji keeps checking the bottom of his feet for something. He sweeps Mott like yesterday's garbage and he's already in the full mount. Not a lot of action happening. Oh fuck, Shoji has Juan's back and he's got a choke. Juan is flattened out with his legs straight up in the air. He taps.

The submission came at 3:47 in round 1. Pretty much a one-sided drubbing, with one competitor CLEARLY the superior fighter in every category.

Next on the menu, it's Dutch fighter William Roosmalen going toe-to-toe with American striker Ralph White. White — who, ironically enough, is black — looks like an anorexic version of Quinton Jackson. And if White looks familiar, it's because he was the guy that got turned into The Elephant Man by Branko C. at the very first Pride FC show a few months earlier. Thankfully, the swelling on White's forehead has gone down substantially, and right out the gate we've got a low-kicking clinic. The Dutch white dude is some kind of kickboxing motherfucker, which apparently, is a trait of all peoples from The Netherlands. White whiffs on a haymaker. Oh shit, NOW they tell us this fight is being contested under kickboxing rules, not MMA rules. Well, I guess that explains why both men are wearing those giant pitcher's mitts on their hands, I suppose. Roos scoring some solid low kicks and White keeps headhunting. White lands a head kick, but Roos keeps plowing forward. Roos gets warned for, uh, clinching, I think? And that's the end of round one. Koji Kitao — the sumo wrestler who "shot" on Earthquake that one time — is in the crowd, rocking a half blond/half brunette skunk cut. White's striking is looking a little better this right. White tries to clinch and throws a couple of knees before the rep breaks 'em up. Roos with a nice behind-the-ankle kick. White ALMOST connects on a head kick. Roos with a kick to the stomach. Quadros can't figure out what the tattoo on Roos' stomach is supposed to be. White with a kick to the abdomen, and Roos counters with a solid jab and a knee to the appendix. That's the end of the round. LOL at Quadros saying "that's not a ghetto strut," White's leg really is that fucked up. They show some dude with a mustache in the audience and Rutten says "look, it's a samurai!" and I almost spit Starbucks all over my monitor. Roos is working some fantastic inner thigh knee shots. White lands a few punches in the clinch. Roos lands a couple of more knees to the solar plexus. Looks like the end is near for White. Roos breaks through with a solid jab. White whiffs on a would-be haymaker. We've got another clinch, and Roos is landing them in spades. White goes for an uppercut, but he can't land it. Roos with leg kicks and a knee to the stomach. End of the round. Roos with more brutal leg kicks. Punches in the clinch. White eats a knee to the liver and White goes down like a stack of cards during an aerobics class at Weight Watchers. Nope, he can't answer the ten count, and Roos is our winner by K.O.

The official time? Just 38 seconds into round four.

Our next bout pits Vernon "Tiger" White against some random Japanese guy named Kazushi Sakuraba. Huh. I wonder if we'll ever see him in the ring again? Shit, even then Saku was rocking the Creamsicle-colored panties. Believe it or not, this was only Saku's THIRD professional MMA bout. And props to Quadros for giving a great explanation on why Saku had to fight "Conan" Silveiro TWICE at UFC Ultimate Japan back in Dec. 1997. White almost drops Saku with a HARD right and Saku shoots for a takedown. He floats over to the half guard. Also, LOL at Quadros acting like Pancrase was a "real" MMA organization. Saku keeps looking for a, uh, heel hook, I guess, but Vernon is holding his own pretty well. Saku flattens White out once more. He's almost in the full guard. Nope, he's back to the half guard. Now he has White in the full mount. Vernon rolls, lands one hammer fist and now he's totally vertical. He lets Saku get back up. Saku goes for a heel pick. Vernon doing a good job of protecting his knee. Saku spins out to the side mount. Saku switches over the other side and he's got a straight armbar locked in. Vernon fighting like hell to not give it up. White is trying to ragdoll Saku to escape. And he does. Now Vernon has Saku's back. He's going for a choke. Saku slips out and he's momentarily in the north-south position. Saku going for a toehold. Saku switches over to side control and lands a knee to the ribs. The refs enter the ring and scoot both competitors to the middle of the mat. Vernon kicks Saku's knee with his back flat on the canvas. Saku easily passes the guard and he appears to be shooting for another knee bar ... which he rolls into a straight armbar. But Vernon escapes and now HE has Saku's back! White literally lands one punch to the head, stands up, and Saku takes him down again. Saku is in side control. White is doing a good job protecting his arm. Man, is it great watching Takada on the outside silently eating his own shit realizing just how much better of a fighter Saku is than he is. Saku hops back in the full mount and yep, that's the end of the round.

Round two commences. White lands a straight jab. Then Saku whiffs on a high kick. Saku shoots for a takedown. Vernon tries to pull him into his guard, but Saku is more than content just hanging out from he half guard for a while. Saku is in the full mount again. Saku pops White right in his big, black face. Saku goes for another armbar. Vernon is holding on to Saku's shin for dear life. White escapes and now he has Saku's back. He lands a HARD shot to the left side of Saku's head. Vernon is going for a choke, without any hooks in. Saku ripostes with a fireman's carry (for real) and he's right back into the full guard. White's holding on to Saku's arm. Saku is folded up like an accordion while White sprawls. White has Saku's back. He's gearing up for a German suplex and Saku counters it into a rolling straight armbar. That shit was fucking beautiful. White is back to his feet again. Saku rolls again on the follow-through and tries desperately to get that armbar. White has Saku's back one more time. He's going for a rear naked choke, but Saku spins out. Well, that, or Vernon just gave it up. Saku hops right back into the half guard and he's looking for Mr. Armbar yet again. There are three minutes left in the round. Vernon still has Saku's back. Saku is pushing Vernon forward, and White has double hooks in. For some dumb reason, Vernon gives it up. He lands a HARD knee to Saku's body. Both men standing, and Saku is trying for a kimura. White escapes. Saku shoots for a takedown and Saku is in the full guard. This is a grappling clinic right here. Saku lands a right from the top. White has a bodylock with his legs. He has Saku's back. He's going for a choke. And that's the bell for round two. 

Round three. Saku with a takedown and he floats over to side control. Saku with a few punches raining down from the top. Vernon throws his legs up into the air, for no real reason whatsoever. Saku with another armbar attempt, but White rolls out of it like it ain't no thang. Now White has Saku's back. Saku rolls again and he's going for an armbar. No dice. White has his back AGAIN. You kinda' have to wonder why he isn't throwing any strikes, though. Five minutes left in the fight. White has Saku's back, and he's going for a neck crank ... I think. Saku does a great job defending and now he's almost in the half guard again. Saku's looking for his umpteenth armbar of the fight. Vernon rolls around, but uh-oh, Saku manages to parlay that into a fuckin' straight armbar OUT OF NOWHERE and Vernon taps!

The official time of the submission is 6:53 of round three. That was definitely one of the best grappling showcases from the early days of Pride. And, it being Saku's big coming out party and all, it's certainly a historically important bout, to boot. I wouldn't advise going WAY out of your way to watch it, but if you fancy yourself a *true* MMA fan, this is definitely a late '90s technical showcase you NEED to experience at some point in your spectating career. A really, really good match right here (and pretty much the only positive thing I can say about the show as a whole, really.)

All I can say is "hit fast forward and don't let go of the button until your fuckin' finger falls asleep."

Now it's time for Renzo Gracie vs. Sanae Kikuta. Heads up — this motherfucker takes SIX ROUNDS to decide, so you might want to break out the Mountain Dew Code Red before heading into this sumbitch. Anyway, Sanae is LITERALLY Ryu from Street Fighter II and Renzo is, uh, Royce Gracie, except a little bit bigger and with bushier eyebrows. We're clinching against the turnbuckles early. Gracie gets a takedown and Renzo lands a few shots from the top. Sanae holding on for dear life. He finally escapes and gets to his feet, but Renzo immediately ties him up against the pads again. Renzo landing some body shots to the solar plexus in the clinch. Sanae with a hip toss and he falls into the full mount. Then the NOT AT ALL BIASED JAPANESE REFS push them towards the middle of the ring so Sanae doesn't have to break the hold. Renzo doing a good job protecting himself from the bottom, as all Sanae can do is pretty much whiff his opponent's testicles. Nope, not a whole lot of action happening here, as Sanae tries hopelessly to lock in an armbar. The ref drags them back to the center of the ring again. Yawn. "Whenever a Japanese fighter fights a Gracie, they don't do anything," Rutten declares. Believe it or not, Sanae is STILL in the full mount, and it's been like, five fucking minutes uninterrupted. One minute left in the round. LOL at Renzo punching Sanae with pillow-soft punches to the head over and over again until the round ends.

Round two. Sanae throwing some loopy right hands. Quadros makes a passive aggressive comment about boxing not being Sanae's strong suit. Renzo ALMOST lands a knockout jab on the follow-through, but he misses by a few inches. So he just bullies Sanae into the turnbuckle pad again. Hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it, right? More hugging ensues, and Renzo shows no signs of giving up the bodylock. He goes for a leg trip, but Sanae maintains his balance. Renzo with some good knees in the clinch. They finally seperate, and Renzo comes out strong with knee strikes. Renzo swings Sanae into the ropes and, right on cue, we're back to the turnbuckle pad. Sanae has double underhooks in. And he loses them. Both men look gassed as fuck, and as soon as I type it, Sanae powers forward and takes Renzo down on a botched hip toss attempt. Sanae looking pretty comfortable in the full mount. It's been a few minutes, and he's still just hanging out there. We get a clean break and now Sanae is dodging upkicks from Renzo. Now Sanae is back in the full mount. The announcers have absolutely nothing to talk about. One minute left in the round. "They're hugging each other intensely," Rutten comments. Renzo with a bunch of shitty punches to the ribs, and that's the end of round numero dos.

Round three. Sanae gets a takedown almost the second the bell sounds, and sure as sugar, he lands right on top of Renzo. Oh hell, here we go again. Fuck, why DID people think Renzo was ever that good back in the day, anyway? Sanae is still in the full mount. He lands several knees in the full guard, but he misses on both attempts and winds up striking the canvas with his patella. Sanae keeping Renzo at bay with a a side headlock. Sanae is balling Renzo up like a wadded sock. Now he's working his magic from side control. Sanae is back to his feet and Renzo is throwing upkicks en masse. Sanae immediately hops right back into the full guard, because apparently, he ain't that bright a bulb. Sanae is back in side control. Sanae's in the full mount. Fuck, I can't believe I just spent a full half hour watching this shit. Sanae still stuck in the missionary position, where he's trying to force a submission via penis on penis friction. Quadros has so litle to work with that he starts talking about how effective  just holding a motherfucker is in a street fight. Rutten does him one better by stating, in a roundabout way, that this fight is so boring there may never be another PRIDE show again. And that's the end of round three. "I don't hear anybody applauding," Quadros comments.

Round four. Shit almighty, Quadros just said this fight is "unlimited rounds" until somebody submits or gets knocked out. To quote Mr. T, "I pity the fool" that ever paid people money to watch this trash. Anyhoo, Renzo does what Renzo does and just squeezes his opponent up against the turnbuckle pad. Sanae gets a takedown, he's in the full mount and Renzo continues to pop him in the ribs from the bottom. Quadros talks about the need for things like "time limits" and "scoring" as the refs push the two men back into the center of the ring again. Man, I can't believe I wasted a whole Sunday afternoon watching this hot mess. Sanae continues to just kind of lay on top of Renzo. This is the least productive round by far, and that's saying something. Quadros asks Rutten what the longest fight in history is and he cites his mental battle against his ex-wife. You KNOW a fight is fucking garbage when the commentators spend half the fight advocating for the usage of time limits. One minute left in the round. The ref makes them stand for no discernible reason whatsoever. Sanae with a low kick, Renzo with a counter jab. And that's the end of it.

Round five. Yep, it's STILL going on. Rutten literally PRAYS for this fight to end. What do you know, Renzo starts off the round by pushing Sanae into the turnbuckle pad and applies a bodylock. Renzo locks in a guillotine choke and lands several knees to the head. PLEASE LET THIS FIGHT END, IN THE NAME OF JESUS. Renzo with more knees to the stomach. Renzo goes for a neck crank, but Sanae escapes. Now he's in the full mount. A shocker, I know. Now Rutten is giving us a primer on how breathing patterns are used in MMA. We are well beyond the 40-minute mark at this point. Yep, Sanae is STILL in the full guard, and he still ain't doing doo-doo. Renzo looks like he might be trying for a triangle. But he ain't getting it. Renzo's popping Sanae in the head from the bottom. Sanae looks like he's been dead for at least three hours. And mercifully, that's the end of that one. "There is no point if nothing happens," Rutten bluntly declares. "Fighting means going for something. This is not fighting. This is like anti-fighting."

Round six. Yes, this shit show had made it FIFTY FUCKIN' MINUTES. The ref stops the fight so they can fix Sanae's glove. Renzo lands a few punches and he has Sanae trapped in a guillotine. It's deep. AND SANAE TAPS! "Thank God!" both commentators declare at the same time. "I think the people in the audience probably fell asleep," Quadros comments on the silent reaction from the crowd.

The official time is 43 seconds into round six. Needless to say, this is one of the all-time masterpieces of shitty MMA fights — sitting through this 51 minute snoozer no doubt makes you a TRUE MMA enthusiast, I tell you goddamn what.

Alright, now we've got another kickboxing fight, this 'un between Tasis Petridis of Australia and George Randolph of the good old United States of AmeriKKKa. Holy shit, George is massive — that honky nigga' looks like he's damn near seven feet tall. Tasis, regardless, is a full foot shorter than his opponent. Weirdly, it looks like Randolph has a huge bruise under his eye already. Tasis with a low kick and George is head hunting early. He lands a trip but George is right back up. George with more low kicks and Tasis clinches. Yeah, people forget that Quadros himself was a legit kickboxer, don't they? George almost drops his foe with a knee to the noggin. The ref breaks up a clinch, and George falls on his ass on an aborted roundhouse kick attempt. George with knees in bunches. Tasis has to clinch just to save his own ass. George with more knees. Pretty much all he has to do is lightly lift his leg and he's tagging his opponent with patella shots. And that's the end of round one. There are five rounds, BTW, each three minutes in length. "The bigger man may get tired," Quadros comments. Right on cue, George starts slowing down considerably. George whiffs on a Hulk Hogan big boot and Tasis low kicks that motherfucker. Clinch. The ref separates them. Tasis with more low kicks. George whiffs on a straight kick to the belly. George lands a knee. Tasis slips, but he's right back up. Tasis lands a hard right hand, but George just eats it like a bony Snickers bar. Round two ends. Tasis with a right low kick. That seems to be working pretty well for him. Tasis slips, and he's right back up. Tasis with a decent one-two combo. They clinch in the corner. George with a knee, and Tasis makes him eat a flurry of punches. Tasis with a MEAN leg kick, followed by a jumping Superman punch ... kinda. Rutten says he doesn't believe in jabs, and if you've ever seen him fight, you'd know he's telling God's honest truth. George misses on a left hook. And that's the conclusion of round ... what is it, four, now? No, wait, that's the end of round three. My bad. George chases Tasis down and he punches him on the ear. Tasis with a GREAT right hand. George clinches. The ref separates 'em. Tasis spams the right hand again. And then he lands a good low kick. And another one. Tasis misses by a mile with the high kick. Tasis lands a left to the body and George rattles off a knee strike. George throws a molasses slow kick, and then Tasis lands a right high kick and a TON of punches. But George soldiers on. "I won't Tong Po," Quadros quips at round's end. Alright, the fifth and final round is upon us. Tasis with more low kicks. George is running on one busted wheel at this point. George almost punches Tasis out of the ring. George lands a takedown ... too bad takedowns aren't allowed in kickboxing, though. Tasis still looking for that high kick finish. Tasis with a spinning kick to the spleen. That was awesome. Then he lands another left hook. There's roughly a minute left. Tasis with a TON of punches to the back of George's head. Apparently Tasis got hit in the testicles. After a brief timeout we resume the action. Tasis goes for a high kick and George wrestles him to the ground. And that's all she wrote, kids.

Let's go to the judges. Shocker — Tasis won on points.

Time for our co-main event, Marco Ruas vs. Gary Goodridge.Yep, that's Marco Ruas, the champeen of UFC 7. Fun fact: "Ruas" literally means "streets" in Portugese (citation: Steve Quadros.) LOL at Quadros saying neither of these guys are capable of having a shitty fight, because God knows they need a barnburner after all the turds on this card thus far. Ruas goes for a spinning kick early and Gary chases him down. Ruas with a low kick and Gary staggers him with a hard right. Goodridge clearly has the weight advantage here. Gary with a flurry of hard punches and Ruas lands a takedown ... only for Gary to land on top of him. Now Goodridge is in the side mount. Uh-oh. Ruas is bleeding already from a punch in the half guard. Goodridge lands several HARD punches from the full mount. Oh shit, Ruas is about to get fucked up bad. More bombs from Goodridge as Gary plays Marco's head like a goddamn gong. Gary going for a neck crank. Ruas escapes. Goodridge remains comfortably in the full mount. Ruas ties his foe's hands up. Ruas tries for a guillotine, but Goodridge is just too damned strong. Gary is in the side mount. Gary with more bombs from the top. Goodridge is vertical. And so is Ruas. Marco has bad swelling under his right eye. Goodridge slips and Ruas capitalizes. Ruas goes for a heel hook and GARY TAPS! Talk about an out-of-nowhere finish!

The official time is 9:09 of round one.

And we come to our main event, Branko Citivic vs. Mark Kerr, which according to The Secret Files of Pride FC, was originally going to be Mark Kerr vs. ROYCE Gracie, but eh, the best laid plans of both mice and men and all that shit. And yes, I do realize that Branko's name has been spelled about 56 different ways, so just fuck it. Say what you will about Mark Kerr, that motherfucker was RIPPED. Dude easily could have been a star in the WWF, had he went that route instead. Lots of circling early. Branko kind of reminds me of Ken Shamrock a little. I mean, visually, in the face and stuff. Kerr shoots for a takedown and Branko holds onto the ropes with one hand and elbows the fuck out of the back of Kerr's head until the ref calls a timeout. Surprisingly, he didn't get carded for that shit. Kerr goes for another takedown and he grabs the ropes again and throws MORE elbows to the back of the head. A whole bunch of referees swarm the ring and we find Branko face down on the mat. Apparently, Kerr gave him a good curb stomping during the melee. And the officials call it a DQ around the 2:14 of round uno. Kerr wins it by disqualification, and because Pride was fucking Pride, they STILL let Branko come back and fight for them a year later. But aye — we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

... and that's why you NEVER trust a goddamn Croat, kids.

Good lord, was that a brutal show to sit through. Outside of the Saku/Vernon White bout, pretty much everything on the show was a.) an overlong exercise in tedium or b.) completely pointless horse shit. I mean, I guess the kickboxing bouts were decent for what they were, and it was fun watching Ruas pull a submission out of fucking nowhere, but hot Christ, do I never want to see a Renzo Gracie match ever again in my life.

This show was so bad it came *yay* close to ending Pride right then and there. Thankfully, they decided to retool their format just a smidge for the next show, and they finally got back to the winning formula of Pride 1 with their first anniversary show at the Dome in six months' time. Of course, we're only four shows into our chronological Pride fightography, but shit, this HAS to be a candidate for worst Pride event ever. And if there ARE any shows up ahead worse than this one, Jesus Christ, somebody give me a heads up so I'll be nice and loaded on Dirty Sprite before pressing forward.

Granted, since this show does mark the Pride debut of Saku, it certainly has some historic merit as an MMA relic, but beyond that, Pride 2 has nothing to offer. I mean, a 33 minute Royler/Sano fight and a fuckin' 51 minute Renzo/Sanae bout on the same goddamn card? No thanks, I'd rather slap my testicles up and down in a rhythmic fashion for an hour and a half instead.

Do yourself a favor and catch Saku vs. White a'la carte. Literally EVERYTHING else on this show you can easily do without ... trust me.

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All 30 NES Classic Edition Games RANKED

Ranking the 8-bit offerings on Nintendo's retro-console, from the crap to the classics.

By: Jimbo X

JimboXAmerican@gmail.com

@Jimbo__X

Unless you've been living under a rock since last spring, you've no doubt heard about Nintendo's newfangled NES Classic Edition mini-console, which - fittingly enough - just dropped on U.S store shelves today (hell, it's almost like I timed this article to coincide with its release, no?) For the uninitiated, the $60 piece of hardware comes with a stock NES control pad and 30 built-in games. Ever the 8-bit connoisseur, I am quite familiar with all of the games on the unit, and by and large, I'd reckon the assortment is a really nice jumble of titles. Alas, there is certainly a pecking order when it comes to overall game quality, and for those of you looking for a quick rundown of which games on the system are hits and which ones are shit, well, what do you know, I've already gone on ahead and ranked every singe game included on the mini-console in order from least to best.

Pondering whether or not the assortment of 8-bit games on the unit are worthy of your investment or a neophyte retro gamer wondering which games on the unit you ought to hop into first? Well, wonder no more, folks - my rankings will tell you absolutely everything you need to know...

Yeah, it's about as retarded as it looks. 

#30

Balloon Fight

This game, as the Brits say, is utter rubbish. The graphics are terrible, the controls are atrocious, the music is irritating and the core gameplay mechanics just plain shitty. Nintendo’s failed attempt to recreate the arcade classic Joust (yes, the one with the ostrich) is definitely one of the worst first party games on the NES, and something you’re guaranteed to get bored with in about 10 minutes. A calculator app – with most of the numbers missing – still would’ve been a more welcome addition to the line-up.

#29

Ice Climber

Nobody ever played this game when it was first released, and that’s for a reason. Despite the retroactive appeal from the titular characters’ inclusion in Super Smash Bros. Melee, there really isn’t much to enjoy about this one. The slippery controls are frustrating, the visuals are uninteresting and the soundtrack will make you want to club a baby seal to death (which, believe it or not, was an aspect of the original Japanese game that had to be excised for American audiences.)

#28

Donkey Kong, Jr.

The original Donkey Kong was a great arcade game with simple, but addictive, gameplay. This sequel is far less enjoyable, with a totally different gameplay hook that has you climbing from rope to rope to rescue your simian daddy from the clutches of a fairly familiar looking mustachioed plumber. It’s not a terrible game, per se, but it sure is slow-paced, with really clumsy controls. The unsung Donkey Kong 3 – which had you playing a bug exterminator trying to spray pesticide up the eponymous ape’s butt hole (no, for real) – would have been a far better selection.

#27

Mario Bros.

Sometime after Mario stopped harassing gorillas but a little bit before he became “super,” he and Luigi starred in a fairly forgettable arcade game where you ran around a static screen bumping blocks underneath turtles over and over again. And yeah, this arcade port is about as ennui-inducing as it sounds. It’s also a pretty big waste of disk space, since the entire game is included as a “mini-game” in another title in the line-up, Super Mario Bros. 3.

#26

Donkey Kong

It’s pretty hard to hate on Donkey Kong, and all these years later, it’s still a fun and challenging experience. Still, we’ve played this one a million, billion times before on other collections, and the NES version is nonetheless a very watered down port of the arcade classic. You can wrench some amusement out of it, but it won’t keep you enthralled for too long.

The original survival-horror video game. 

#25

Pac-Man

Pretty much the same deal as Donkey Kong. Yeah, it’s fun, instantly accessible and hard to put down, but it’s just so damn ubiquitous that you have to wonder why it was included. I mean, you can play this anytime you want on Google for free, can’t you?

#24

Link: The Legend of Zelda II

Now here’s a polarizing tile. A big departure from the original, Link is a weird side-scrolling action game with some light role playing game elements. Frankly, I’ve always thought this was a vastly disappointing title, with weak graphics, poor controls and some astoundingly cheap enemies. Your mileage may vary, but I can’t say I’ve ever been an admirer of this one.

#23

Metroid

Some people will be mighty miffed I ranked this one so low, but to be honest, I’ve always thought this was a wildly overrated game. Yeah, the exploration dynamic is cool and the music is memorable, but the graphics are ugly and there is WAY too much backtracking. Plus, if you map the level layout old school with a sheet of notebook paper and a Magic Marker, you can tear through the whole thing in under an hour – maybe even a half hour, if you are really good at it.

#22

Gradius

The obligatory Konami code reference aside, this is a fairly rudimentary space shooter that, while enjoyable, doesn’t really do too much to stand out from a crowded field of similar titles. If we’re going to go the whole scrolling-shooter route, why not include something less mainstream and WAY more awesome, like Gun Nac or the insanely great Japanese only offerings Summer Carnival 92 – Recca and Crisis Force?

#21

Bubble Bobble

Another sacred cow I was never that fond of. Granted, the later stages get pretty intense and the co-op play is fun, but the Sega Master System version still makes this one look like crap. Why couldn’t we have gotten Bomberman II instead, guys?

Sigh ... kids today will never understand the simple joy of having two spaceships at once. Buncha' entitled motherfuckers.

#20

Galaga

Yeah, I know it’s another one of those hyper-ubiquitous arcade ports (I guarantee either your local Wal-Mart or movie theater has one of those 20th anniversary  machines in it somewhere), but you know what? It’s still a really enjoyable, super addictive game that, all these years later, still packs a considerable amount of challenge. It’s about as simplistic as gaming gets, but why complain about it being uncomplicated when it’s this much fun?

#19

Super Mario Bros. 2

The cracked out sequel to the NES classic (which is actually an entirely different game with the Mario characters slapped on it) remains a contentious title three decades down the road. Some people dig it for its wild divergence from the original, whereas others criticize it for straying too far from the fundamental elements that made the pack-in game such an enjoyable romp. No matter where you stand, it’s still a game that lets you chunk giant onions at pink Ku Klux Klan midgets, though, and it’s hard to find too many faults with that.

#18

Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest

Opinions vary on this one. Some people enjoy its more exploration-based mechanics (complete with one of the first “day and night” cycles in any video game) while others lament its backtracking, constant grinding, unchallenging boss battles and downright abstruse puzzles. If you are an old school gamer, you already know how you feel about it; Castle-virgins, you’ll just have to play it and draw your own conclusions.

#17

Super Mario Bros.

The torchbearer for every NES game that followed, the immortal pack-in classic – despite its minimalistic design – remains a surprisingly intuitive and enjoyable game 30 years down the road. Really, what more can be said? It’s simple, solid, no-frills old-school proto-platforming fun, even if you can beat the whole thing in 20 minutes by now.

#16

Excitebike

This was a day one release when the NES first hit store shelves in October 1985, and if you ask me, it was easily the best launch title (yes, even better than Super Mario Bros.) The gameplay is technically simple (go fast, but not so fast your motor bike explodes), but surprisingly nuanced, with plenty of game modes and the ability to create your own death-trap filled courses – which, thanks to the miracle of this newfangled technology called "a hard drive," you can finally save and replay!

Surprisingly, parents groups raised little fuss about a Nintendo game that begins with a cartoon character receiving a blow job in a graveyard.

#15

Ghosts 'n Goblins

Thirty years later, I STILL haven’t been able to beat this game. A port of the ultra-hard arcade favorite, Ghosts 'n Goblins is rightfully considered one of the most challenging – and frustrating – games ever made. Hardcore purists love it for its remorseless challenge while lesser players tend to write it off as a poorly designed action platformer. There is no in-between: either you are going to love this game’s kooky atmosphere and hard as nails gameplay or you are going to absolutely loathe its steep learning curve and cheap enemies.

#14

Ninja Gaiden

While this stellar Tecmo offering is probably most noteworthy for being one of the first video games with cinematic, story-propelling cutscenes, it really ought to be celebrated for being such a fast-paced, fluid and most importantly, fun action-platformer. Via an inventive wall-scaling mechanic, you hop, bop, jump and somersault your way across a diverse game-scape, as a steady stream of enemies pursue you from every direction. It’s no doubt a challenging (and at times, irritating) experience, but the positives definitely outweigh the negatives here – although it should be noted that Ninja Gaiden II is even more awesome game than this one.

#13

Final Fantasy

Yes, there are better role playing games to be found on the NES. The Japan-exclusive Final Fantasies II and III are superior sequels, as are the American-released Dragon Warriors III and IV. Still, the first Fantasy remains a rock-solid, traditional RPG that – despite a few outdated components – still provides a lengthy and satisfying story-driven experience. It may not hold up as well as the all-time masterpieces that came out later on the Super Nintendo, but if you can overlook the dated visuals and prerequisite grinding, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by just how engaging the game still is.

#12

Castlevania

Castlevania III is my second favorite NES game ever; alas, that’s the ONLY Nintendo-era Castlevania game that isn’t included in the lineup. Regardless, the first ‘Vania is nonetheless a fun and challenging experience, with excellent level design, unforgettable music and some of the best atmospherics of any game to be found on the venerated 8-bit unit. This is just old school, linear action-platforming goodness in its rawest essence; if you can’t wring enjoyment out of that, perhaps this whole “retro gaming” thing just ain’t for you.

#11

Tecmo Bowl

And if you are wondering what my all-time favorite NES game is, it’s Tecmo Super Bowl. Unfortunately, since that game includes official NFL teams and player likenesses, Nintendo would have spent a million bajillion dollars to include it on the list, so instead we are appeased with its forerunner, the much, much pared back Tecmo Bowl. While this game is certainly less feature-packed than its sublime sequel, you can still get plenty of fun out of this one, especially in competitive match-ups that pit NOT THE DENVER BRONCOS up AGAINST NOT THE LOS ANGELES RAIDERS. A tip for neophytes: learn how to “zig-zag,” and learn it early.

The game gets WAY darker when you realize the virus he's treating is actually anthropomorphized AIDS.

#10

Dr. Mario

Now this is a game a lot of people unwisely sleep on. At first glance, it just seems so … bland. OK, so we’ve got Mario trading in his plunger to dispense pharmaceuticals? Well, that just seems random. And you mean to tell me the entire game play consists of dropping color-coded pills on similarly hued germs, over and over again? What sounds like about as much fun as a hysterectomy on paper actually translates into a surprisingly addictive puzzler that, in many ways, is even more enjoyable and engaging than Tetris. And if there has ever been a catchier theme song in any video game, I have yet to hear it.

#09

Double Dragon II: The Revenge

While it’s not the best game in the lineup, this has to be the selection that impressed me the most. A lot of people would’ve picked the first Double Dragon game out of sheer nostalgia, but thankfully, the Big N did us a kindness and instead opted for its even better (yet oddly unsung) sequel, which literally doubles the fun by including a fantastic co-op mode so you and a buddy can clean the streets, Charles Bronson style, together. The combat system takes some time to get used to, but once you figure it out, it’s an absolute blast. Oh, and don’t think this is just a brainless beat-em-up; as the game progresses, don’t be surprised when you get hit by some really, really tricky platform jumping, seemingly out of nowhere…

#08

Kid Icarus

Now this is the game that I think ought to be celebrated instead of Metroid. While there is a certain exploration component, Kid Icarus is a game that never eschews the action for backtracking and second-guessing whether or not you’ve been in a totally empty room for the four millionth time. Indeed, it’s pretty hard to get lost at all in Kid Icarus, seeing as how the entire game space, you know, obviously spirals upward or left to right in a linear pattern like Mario. All in all, this is a really enjoyable fusion platformer that combines pretty much everything you love about Zelda, Mario and Metroid while cutting out all the excess fat. You’ve got item collecting, you’ve got plenty of shootin’ and you’ve got plenty of death defying jumps; just as long as you don’t bump into that eggplant monster, there isn’t a moment in the game you won’t be grinning from ear to ear.

#07

Kirby’s Adventure

The last truly great first party game on the NES, pretty much everybody agrees that Kirby’s Adventure is the console’s best-looking game. However, even on a platform absolutely glutted with stellar platformers, Kirby manages to stand out as one of the absolute best genre games on the system, thanks to some exquisitely designed levels, mini-games out the yin-yang and so many secrets to uncover, you pretty much have to play it a good three or four times before you unlock everything the game has to show you. If you missed out on this one the first time around, you definitely need to give it a try; the titular protagonist may be known for sucking, but I assure you this game most certainly does not.

#06

The Legend of Zelda

The golden cartridge classic is definitely one of the best games to grace the NES, and although its visuals are very, very dated, the core gameplay is so good that the cruddy graphics don’t detract from the fun whatsoever. As one of the first “open-ended” console games, the first Zelda pretty much gave you free rein to explore the totality of the massive game space, which at the time, really was a revolutionary idea. Although intentionally befuddling at first, this is a game built for the long haul. Relatively light on the puzzles and heavy on the exploration and dungeon crawling, this is a rock solid adventure game that definitely doesn’t skimp out on the action – Father Time, thankfully, hasn’t ravaged this one a bit.

Is it just me, or does anybody else think the Blue Bomber always kinda' looked like he had Down Syndrome?

#05

Mega Man 2

Although I’m in the camp that firmly believes Mega Man 3 is the one Mega Man to rule them all, you really can’t quibble over the inclusion of the Blue Bombers’s second outing on the NES. With beautiful graphics, outstanding music, top notch level design and some of the most iconic power-ups in the annals of 8-bit gaming, there’s plenty of stuff to not just like, but flat out love about Mega Man 2. And if you’re wondering about the proper level order? It’s Metal Man, Bubble Man, Heat Man, Wood Man, Air Man, Crash Man, Flash Man and Quick Man, and anybody who says otherwise as a bold faced liar.

#04

StarTropics

As good as Zelda may be, I’ve long thought there were at least two Zelda imitators on the NES that did an even better job than the original inspiration source: Crystalis and this game, StarTropics. For my money, this HAS to be the most underrated first party Nintendo game of all-time, and in a just world, it would’ve spawned like three or four SNES sequels and still be going strong as a standalone license on the 3DS today. Alas, the adventures of yo-yo slinging Mike Jones have regrettably been swept under the carpets of time, and you definitely do not want to miss out on this long overdue opportunity to relive one of the great hidden treasures of the 8-bit age. No spoilers here: just play it and revel in its awesomeness.

#03

Punch-Out!! Starring Mr. Dream

Yes, even without Iron Mike as the end boss (I’m not 100 percent, but I’m pretty sure getting convicted of rape is a really good way to lose an endorsement deal) Punch-Out!! remains one of the most enjoyable games in the pantheon of NES titles. Although conceptually simplistic – you wail on a dizzying array of ethnic stereotypes, waiting for subtle cues like their pants falling down to wallop ‘em into a temporary coma – there is a surprising amount of depth to the experience, and very, very few things in all of gaming can match the sheer joy of getting the proper “rhythm” down against the likes of Soda Popinski and Bald Bull. A lot of games boast of being timeless, but Punch-Out!! is one of the rare few we KNOW will still be just as much fun in 2087 as it was in 1987.

#02

Super C

Seeing this game listed on the back of the box almost made me drop it in the middle of the aisle and start applauding. It would’ve been so easy to just wedge the much more famous Contra into the lineup, but Nintendo did us one better and slipped in its even more awesome sequel Super C instead. Never played it? Well, it’s basically the same thing as Contra, except MORE. More explosions, more enemies, more insane scaling levels, more firepower, more testosterone, more pulse pounding gameplay, more action, more, more, more of everything that made the first game such a classic, only cranked up to 11. This may very well be the best co-op game on the NES – if you love old school, twitch-action video gaming, you will be in absolute nirvana with this one.

Ask anybody who grew up between 1985 and 1995 ... this was as close as any of us have felt to being Jesus himself.

#01

Super Mario Bros. 3

I’ve read several “best NES game” lists over the years, and Super Mario Bros. 3 is almost always the game at the very top. While I personally feel that there are maybe half a dozen games on the console that are better, it’s hard to argue that this isn’t a.) one of the best NES games ever b.) one of the best games ever, period and c.) definitely, without question, 100 percent the best game included in the mini NES collection. In fact, there’s so much awesomeness in SMB3, that to explain just how great it is, I have to give it its very own countdown within a countdown. Ahem! Super Mario Bros. 3 is the best game on the unit, for the following reasons:

10.                  The main bad guys are named after, among other real life celebrities, Lemmy from Motorhead, Wendy O. Williams and Morton Downey, Jr.

09.                  Donning the hammer suit makes you feel like an immortal, ghost killing demigod.

08.                  The sheer surrealism of seeing Mario dwarfed by the humongous goombas in the Giant World levels.

07.                  Trying to figure out why the Japanese think raccoons can fly.

06.                  Not knowing what a tanooki is but being forever grateful the enigmatic mammal has the ability to turn into a statue when in danger.

05.                  The music in the Ice World map is one of the most haunting pieces of music you will ever hear.

04.                  Finding all of the “hidden” warp whistles. Thanks a lot, failed Kevin Arnold vehicles!

03.                  Getting like, 25 P-Wings after beating the game and feeling like the kingdom of heaven had been personally opened for you.

02.                  Having the sun come alive and start chasing you in that one level and knowing you will never ever be right again as a human being.

01.                  Two words: Kuribo's shoe, ya'll motherfuckers. Kuribo's goddamn fuckin' shoe.

And it's for all those reasons - plus, probably another 30 or 40 I'm too lazy to list - that Super Mario Bros. 3 is not only the creme of the NES Classic crop, but really, one of the single greatest 8-bit games ever made. Hell, as far as I am concerned, it's still the best Mario game ever, and a title that holds up just as well now as it did way back in 1990. A lot of games get praised as "timeless" masterpieces, but SMB 3 truly is a game that deserves such a highfalutin title - it's fuckin' great, and if for some stupid ass reason you've never gotten your hands on it before? Buddy, what have you been doing with your life, exactly?

Yes, you should be very jealous, indeed, that Japanese consumers got this and we didn't.

As a final footnote, I do believe it is worth mentioning that the library of games included on the mini-console are actually quite a bit different in Japan. Their little Famicom nostalgia grab omits eight of the games listed above and replaces them with eight totally different games. While the N.A. and PAL iteration of the unit does win out by keeping Punch-Out!!, Kid Icarus and StarTropics, the Japan-only setlist does have quite a few stellar games of their own, including arguably the greatest 8-bit RPG ever (Final Fantasy III) and ... wait for it... RIVER CITY MOTHERFUCKING RANSOM, which is easily one of my five favorite NES games ever. Before you get too jealous, though, the rest of the Japan-only games are fairly boring, unless of course, you REALLY like sumo wrestling games that never got ported stateside and cruddy Pitfall variations that probably never got translated into English because the people who made Indiana Jones likely would've sued the shit out of the game developers. 

All in all, I'm pretty satisfied with the core lineup of the NES Classic, although to be 100 percent honest, it's pretty much a waste of money seeing as how I can play all of the games included on the unit for free online anytime I want. In that, whether or not the purchase is worthy of $59.99 hinges on just how much you are willing to pay for the HDMI components (and before you answer, just remember that there are cloneware units on the market for roughly the same price that you can play multiple old school console games on - and in high definition, no less. ) Furthermore, it would be a lot easier to justify the price tag if you could play old NES cartidges on the unit, a'la some of the Genesis clone-models out there. Alas, you're stuck with the same 30 games indefinitely, and as good as those games may be, eventually you will grow tired of the selection contained therein. 

Regardless, I can't deny the simple joy of curling up on the floor and booting up a game of Mega Man 2 with an NES control pad in hand just as God intended, and if someone stuffs this into your stocking, you'll probably get at least a month or two of enjoyment out of the experience. Rumors are already swirling about the possibility of similar SNES and N64 mini-units, so depending on how successful this test run is (and I'd venture to guess it's going to be pretty successful), this might just be the beginning of a full scale retro console revival.

And if you think I'm going to protest anything that I believe may goad Sega into reissuing the notoriously hard to emulate Saturn on the market, you clearly haven't been paying attention to anything I've been writing about over the last five years.

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