Revisiting PRIDE FC 7 from 1999!

Featuring “Dirty” Bob Schrijver living up to his namesake, Igor Vovchanchyn showing us what illegal knees oughta’ look like and the promotion debut of some guy named Wanderlei Silva!

Read More

Revisiting Pride FC 3 from 1998!

Featuring Emmanuel Yarborough being fat, Kazushi Sakuraba making Carlos Newton look like a jabroni and Nobuhiko Takada actually WINNING an MMA fight … kinda’!

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

Our all-encompassing, whirlwind tour of every single Pride FC show ever continues with a look back at Pride 3, held June 24, 1998 in … a surprise, I know … Tokyo. Goddamn, even ECW managed to leave Philadelphia every now and then, you homestuck rice-eatin’ muthafuckahs.

Up first it's Akira Shoji vs. Daijiro "Shunsuke" Matsui. Our hosts, as always, are Stephen Quadros and Bas Rutten. This time around, we're calling this shit LIVE (from 20 years ago) from the famous NIPPON BUDOKAN, which yes, IS the very same venue where Cheap Trick recorded their live album.

Yeah, I can't tell these two guys apart. Rutten has me laughing my ass off already with his comments about "samurai spirits" and shit. And LOL at Quadros describing Sakuraba as "an up and comer," which wasn't necessarily funny at the time, but in hindsight is goddamn hilarious. Rutten questions whether or not black is technically a color and Quadros says they are "two young bulls risking at all" and of course, they then proceed to do fucking nothing for the first minute of the fight. Shoji is the one with the 'stache, if that makes it any easier for you. Shoji scrambles and he gets Matsui's back. Now he's pounding his noggin like a pinata. Matsui's torso is hanging out of the ring so the ref has to pull him back in. Matsui throws some crappy looking leg kicks and Quadros comments on the "intensity" in Matsui's eyes. So, of course, he gets taken down instantly by Shoji. Shoji is in the full mount for a few seconds and Matsui hops right back up. "These two men are fighting for the purity of the sport," Quadros says. "I don't think there's anything evil in either of these guys." Wow, way to get all metaphysical and shit, guy. Shoji sprawls and keeps Matsui trapped in the shoulderlock. Matsui's up and Shoji knees him in the head a couple of times. Shoji secures another takedown and he's in the full guard. Rutten is REALLY stretching it when he says this one is "action-packed." Matsui eats canvas again, and Shoji starts punting him like he was trying to make a 45-yard field goal. Matsui goes for a bodylock and Shoji LITERALLY hits him with a shoot version of D'lo Brown's old Sky High finisher. Shoji's on top again and Matsui's peppering him with pillow-soft punches. Now Shoji's landing some FAT punches from the top. Both men are back up. Matsui lands a rinky-dink leg kick. Matsui shoots for a takedown again and Shoji just casually leaps out of the way and that's the bell to let us know the first ten minutes of this fight is over.

Round two. Holy fuck, why HASN'T there been a podcast titled "Who's the Bas?" by now? Quadros says Pride FC is better than the UFC because having a ring means your vision isn't obscured by a cage. Bas is so impressed by how these two guys are "constantly moving." There's this great moment where Shoji has Matsui in a bodylock and he rolls him over and somehow winds up in the full mount. Matsui is up and THROWING BOMBS now. Shoji's keeping his distance. Matsui misses on a sidekick. Now they aren't doing much of shit. Matsui shoots for the takedown, Shoji sprawls and he gets his opponent's back. Shoji starts punching the shit out of Matsui's head and the refs reposition them so Matsui's head isn't poking out of the ropes. Looks like Matsui's going for a desperation leg lock. Shoji hasn't let go of the bodylock though, and he's continuing to punch the fuck out of Matsui's skull. Now Shoji is punching the hell out of Matsui's face from the full mount, then Matsui starts punching upwards and he actually rattles Shoji with an upkick. Shoji is still in the full mount. Matsui has his legs wrapped around his foe's legs, so he ain't going to be doing too much moving. Matsui tries to explode but Shoji doesn't release the headlock. Now Shoji is controlling Matsui from the north-south position. One minute left in the round. Shoji goes for a knee to the head, but even though he gets a lot of hangtime, the impact is minimal. Matsui is up and he's looking for a single-leg takedown. Shoji holds his own, sprawls, and appears to be going for a guillotine. And there's the bell.

Round three. Before the action begins the ref wipes Matsui down with a towel. Quadros says neither man knows the definition of the word "reverse," which makes me very concerned about their abilities to parallel park. Matsui goes for a liver kick and misses by a couple of miles. Matsui tries to rattle off a combo, Shoji trips him and he's right back in the full guard. Shoji pops up and Matsui looks like he's about to shit his pants. Now Matsui is back up. Shoji ROCKS Matsui with a right hand. And then Matsui lands a takedown. Unfortunately, he runs right into a guillotine attempt by Shoji. Matsui's head pops out, so he's safe ... for the moment. The refs reposition them. Why, I honestly don't know. Matsui, somehow, manages to get in the full mount. He's landing some OK-sized shots, but nothing terribly damaging. Rutten keeps saying Matsui should go for a "crossface." Shoji pops up and gets a wild flurry going on, but he misses on pretty much every swing. Matsui shoots for a takedown. Shoji sprawls. God damn, do I love Bas' "bang, bang" sound effects. Shoji misses on another haymaker. Both men vertical. Matsui shoots for another takedown and Shoji pops him in the head a couple of times. Shoji looks like he's going for a guillotine with a minute left. Meanwhile, Matsui's trying to get a last-second ankle crank. Shoji's arms are locked up. He looks like he's about to get up, but yep, there's the bell.

That's called "the eye of the tiger." You know, the tiger that just shit all over itself.

Round four. Wait, I thought these things were only scheduled for three rounds? Holy shit, back in the day Pride LITERALLY made it up as they went along. Shoji lands a knee to the head from the north-south position. Now Shoji's landing some HARD knee shots from side control. He lets Matsui up. The ref checks Shoji's glove and Matsui gets nothing but air on a high kick. Matsui goes for a combo but nothing lands clean. Matsui goes for a baseball slide, of all things, and Shoji just looks at him like he's plum retarded. Shoji kicks the wind as Matsui pulls guard. They're both back up and Shoji connects on some HUGE shots. Alas, Matsui weathers the storm, only to find himself stuck in another headlock from the north-south position. Shoji scrambles Matsui's brains with a wild flurry of punches. Back to the sprawl. Quadros asks Matsui to do another dropkick. Shoji's landing knees from side control again. Now he's backfisting Matsui's head like a bongo. Matsui temporarily pulls guard, but Shoji lets him back up. Three minutes left in the round ... I think. Shoji with another wild flurry and Matsui tries to lock in a guillotine — and then a DDT — on Shoji's massive takedown. Matsui explodes his way out from the bottom, he almost falls out of the ring and the ref gets both men vertical in the middle of the ring. Matsui lands a punch and goes for a takedown. Yep, Shoji sprawls and he's working from side control once more. Shoji has his back. Matsui pulls guard again. He's back up, and Shoji LITERALLY spears him out of the ring. The ref puts 'em back in the middle of the ring, and wouldn't you know it, there's the bell. There are no judges, so this one is deemed a "draw," even though it's obvious Shoji was the aggressor (and dominator) all fight long. By today's standards that was just OK, but for its time it was some intense stuff; I feel a little iffy calling it a "great fight," per se, but it certainly wasn't boring, that's for sure.

Oh god damn, the next fight is Daiju Takase against EMANUEL YARBOROUGH. Yes, that 600 pound motherfucker Keith Hackney beat up back at UFC 3. By the way, the weight differential for this one is a good 400 pounds. Cue Bas Rutten commenting "Oh. My. GAWD." and it's pretty much the funniest thing you'll hear in your life, ever. "You don't want to have this guy mounted or side-mounted on you," Quadros says. I think he's talking about Emmanuel, but I could be wrong. Of course, Quadros brings up that EPIC Hackney fight I mentioned earlier. The one where Emmanuel ate about 80 unprotected shots to the head — and that is NOT hyperbole, kids — before the ref waved it off. "He can suffocate him just by laying on him," Rutten says. "This is like a horror movie," Quadros responds. Takase's offense consists of him LITERALLY running circles around Emmanuel. "This is a good place for a spinning jump kick," Quadros says. Now Emmanuel is on the offensive. Yarborough makes Takase eat the fattest spinning back fist of all-time. Takase continues to jog around Yarborough. Isn't that literally a "yo momma so fat" joke made flesh? Takase does a barrel roll for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Yarborough is blown up from just walking around Takase. Takase with a low kick. Five minutes have expired. LOL at Quadros saying Takase shouldn't go for a spinning back kick because his leg might get caught in Yarborough's flab. I just now noticed Takase has a haircut like Moe from The Three Stooges ... aka, the church shooter special. Emmanuel is sweating so much he looks like a melting Milk Dud. Quadros says Emmanuel is so fat that he literally can't turn around. Rutten jokingly (I think) recommends Takase goes for a takedown. Then Rutten says something about the Japanese having so many earthquakes that they don't really care about them anymore. And that's our cue for Quadros to drop the quote of the millennium — "you know, this is a really silly match." Takase lands a jab to Emmanuel's left titty. Then he lands a kick to Emmanuel's tummy. And that, mercifully, is the end of round numero uno.

Round two. "I don't know if it's a good idea to be this big and to fight," Rutten comments. Yarborough is trying to grab Takase now. Rutten requests a flying side kick, but Takase isn't listening. Takase gets yellow-carded for stalling. Meanwhile, Emmanuel is almost dead from oxygen deprivation, and he's literally done nothing but stand the whole fight. THEN HOLY SHIT TAKASE SHOOTS FOR A SINGLE LEG TAKEDOWN. Yarborough falls into the full mount and he's just vibrating on top of Takase. Quadros says this is like watching Jaws eat Robert Shaw, and that is a PERFECT analogy. Emmanuel looks like he's fallen asleep on Takase's foot. Takase escapes and now he's UNLOADING on Emmanuel's skull. Thankfully, the ref stops this one BEFORE Emmanuel eats six dozen elbows to the brain.

The official time is 5:19 of round two. From a technical perspective, it was a terrible excuse for an MMA fight, but for sheer entertainment value, it was a goddamn riot. DO go out of your way to see this one, kids.

Up next it's Kazushi Sakuraba taking on Carlos Newton. Bas Rutten is out to give Newton and Saku some flowers. He grabs the mic and says he's going to fight Randy Couture later that year and once his contract is up he wants to kick Rickson Gracie's ass. Spoiler: neither of those two things ever happened. Saku with leg kicks early. Carlos shoots for a takedown and secures a bodylock. Newton goes for a judo toss and Saku does a cartwheel to flip into Newton's guard. Saku runs circles around Newton and he locks in an armbar. Newton just BARELY escapes. Fuck, Saku could just plain GO back in the day. Saku almost working from the full mount. Newton goes for a toehold, and then he hops into the full guard. Newton working from the north-south position. He has Saku's back, but for whatever reason he lets Saku escape. Now Saku is threatening the full mount. Saku spins out and goes for another armbar. Newton folds him up like an accordion and Saku hops right back into the full guard. Now Saku is shaking his fist like a rock tumbler, trying to throw Newton off his game. He lets Carlos up. Saku with a very good looking high kick. He whiffs on a follow-up low kick. LOL at the way Quadros pronounces "innovators" — he makes it sound like "anal vapors." Saku flips from side control to the full guard with ridiculous ease. Saku is looking for another toehold. He's got it and Newton is fighting like mad to get out of it. He escapes and he has Saku's back. Newton looking for a choke. Newton with some pillow soft shots to Saku's noggin. Saku shucks Newton off of him and he's back in the full mount. He's working something from side control, but then he goes back to the full guard position. Saku pops Newton from the top with a hard right. Saku momentarily has Newton's back. Now they're both up and trading blows. Saku shoots for a takedown and the bell sounds almost instantly.

Round two. Newton shoots for a takedown. He drags Saku to the mat and has his back. Newton is rolling like crazy all over the ring, all without losing his waistlock on Saku. Newton with a hard knee to the liver. He rocks Saku with a solid right on the ground. Newton working over Saku from the rarely-seen (but certainly effective) doggy-style mount. Saku is holding onto Newton's leg for dear life. They roll and Newton still hasn't relinquished that waistlock. Newton with a barrage of shots from the back, right to Saku's ribs. That looked hurty. Saku flips over into the full mount. Saku with a hard elbow shot from the top. Saku looking for an armbar. He's almost got it. Newton fighting like hell to get out ... and he ESCAPES! Newton has Saku's back now. Five minutes remain in the round. Saku rolls over Newton and he locks in a knee bar ... and just like that, Newton TAPS!

The official time is 5:19 of round two. As impressive as Saku's win over Vernon White was at Pride 2, this was an even bigger statement from Saku, as he pretty much reamed a UFC champion caliber-wrestler out the ass for almost 15 minutes.  Going back and watching these EARLY, EARLY Pride FC shows, it's such a joy watching Saku morph into the MMA legend he would ultimately become. And what's truly amazing is sensing how good he was from even THIS point in his career. Yeah ... if you are an MMA fan, you need to see this one, simply for its historical value.

What the ... a black athlete showing poor sportsmanship? My goodness, what a novelty.

Now we've got Gary Goodridge going one on one with Amir Rahnavardi. Yeah, I've never heard of him, either. Amir, we're told, took this fight on one day's notice. Goodridge, meanwhile, looks like a slightly more caramelized version of Bobby Lashley. Amir with low kicks and a flurry of punches right out the gate, and Goodridge catches him with an uppercut and a ton of knees in the clinch. Amir goes for a hip throw, but uh-oh, Goodridge lands right in the full mount. Whoops. Now Gary is just teeing off on that poor fucker. Goodridge switches to side control, then he hops back into the full guard. Goodridge is RAINING some heavy right hands. Amir tries to tie up his adversary's arms. Gary lands another heavy ass right. To his credit, Amir's defense from the bottom isn't too shabby. Amir hugs up on Gary. Goodridge rattles of some more hard rights to the side of Amir's head. Amir is looking for a kneebar. Oh shit, he almost has it. Gary escapes, and he's in the full mount, with Amir's right leg trapped underneath Gary's girth. Goodridge in side control, folding up Amir like a tortilla. Gary's looking for a keylock, I think. Gary has Amir’s back. He clubs him with another hard right. Amir lobbing punches from the bottom and he just eats them and make Little Richard sound effects to taunt him. OK, that is great. Gary uncorks three or four hard rights from the top and Amir is goddamn OUT.

The official time is 7:22 of round one. In the post-fight antics, Goodridge grabs a trophy and screams like a wild black man and everybody in the audience acts horrified ... for obvious reasons.

Alright, now we turn our attention to Mark Kerr vs. Pedro Otavio, or as he is better known, "who the fuck?" Pedro with low kicks, but he whiffs on the attempted head kick. Kerr lands a facile takedown. He's in the half mount as Pedro struggles to escape. Kerr with a ton of shots to the pancreas. He flattens Pedro out, he locks in a kimura and the ref waves off the fight. But Pedro is SCREAMING that he never tapped, even though Pedro was crying like a bitch during the submission. Well, shit ... he never DID tap out actually. But I guess screaming like a banshee kind of counts as a verbal submission, don't it?

The official time of the stoppage was 2:13 of round one. He really seems to enjoy the trophy they give him for the victory, too.

And that brings us to our main event Nobuhiko Takada vs. Kyle Sturgeon. Yeah, of all the bouts on the card, they picked THIS ONE to close the show. Rutten makes fun of his tan, and Takada ... of course ... gets a huge reaction from the Japaheeno fans. Quadros obliquely says he thinks this is Sturgeon's first real MMA fight. Takada gets dropped by a high kick, and Takada starts rattling off his own low kicks. Sturgeon gets a takedown, but Takada quickly scrambles back to his feet. Takada gets a takedown and he just kind lays there from the full mount. Takada pulls away, he locks Sturgeon in a heel hook and Sturgeon TAPS.

The official time? Just 2:18 of round one. So, yeah, that one was almost assuredly a work.

Thank you, Kyle. Your payoff is waiting for you in an unmarked brown paper bag behind Amir Rahnavardi's locker.

At less than two hours in length, there wasn’t a whole lot to the show, but what was there was very solid. In fact, there wasn’t a bad fight on the entire card, which is something you definitely can’t say about the first two Pride cards.

The Shoji/Matsui curtain jerker was an entertaining, fairly competitive sprint, and it was a fucking pleasure watching Sakuraba and Newton put on a clinic. The Takase/Yarborough affair was fun as fuck even if it was a shameless freakshow fight, Goodridge/Rahnavardi was way better than it had any right to be and the Kerr/Otavio and Takada/Sturgeon squashes were perfectly fine for what they were (and weren’t.) So, all things considered, this was actually a damn good card from top-to-bottom, and on the whole a vast, VAST improvement over the stank-fest that was Pride 2.

There are certainly worse ways to kill a boring Sunday afternoon than rewatching this one — preferably, with a nice pineapple, black olive and pepperoni pizza and a nice, cold glass of Diet Dr. Shasta by your side. It may not be the apex of the fighting form by any stretch, but it’s a rare late 1990s MMA card that doesn’t hit any doldrums whatsoever.

And for that reason alone? Yeah, you should probably go out of your way to see this one.

Read More

Double Review - "Disobedience" / "Vampire Clay"

One's a movie about Rachel McAdams and Rachel Weisz playing lesbians that hock loogies in each other's mouth for sexual gratification and the other's about demonically-possessed Play-Doh eating art students in rural Japan ... don't ever say we don't give you variety, folks.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

I'm not the first person to say this, but a good goddamn, is going to the movies EXPENSIVE these days.

You wonder why Hollywood revenue keeps dropping? Maybe it has something to do with the fact it takes $80 fuckin' dollars to go see a flick at the multiplex nowadays. Seriously, I took my woman to go see the newest Avengers movie and those fuckers charged us $50 dollars ... no shit, $50 U.S. dollars ... for a pair of movie tickets. And this wasn't even that big-ass, 3D, surround-sound, IMAX shit either, it was a regular two-dimensional screening on a normal-sized projector, with a tinny-ass audio system that kept making that weird scrubbing sound every two-to-three minutes. Then they had the audacity to charge us ANOTHER $20 for a large bucket of popcorn and some Snow Caps, and and additional $10 for two SMALL sodas with no refill privileges.

Granted, I've come to expect inflation with everything in this, post-Obama's America, but good lord, how did going to the movies become THIS expensive over the course of just five years? And furthermore, just how in the hell does Hollywood expect regular Americans to be able to afford to go to the movies more than a handful a' times a year if its going to cost $80 smackers a visit?

You see, Hollywood's just about thrown in the towel. They know the only thing people are going to spend money on is Disney-shit, superhero movies and the occasional "sociopolitically-charged" genre movie that finds a new-ish way to blame whitey for everything. You might get a little return on investment with shitty horror movies around Halloween and crappy biopics and family features around Christmas, but that's still not enough to cover their losses from the latest $80 million dollar box office turd starring Amy Schumer and Melissa McCarthy and whichever unfunny bitch El Lay has convinced itself honest, decent, hard-workin' people of the soil are willing to spend money on even though their entire shtick revolves around mocking Middle America's most cherished values and ideals.

It's not even cool to go the movies anymore. For that matter, people don't even talk about movies themselves that much anymore. It's all about Netflix and HBO and whatever bullshit they're binge-watching that week. Kids today already see movie theaters as passe, and we're probably only 20 years — if that long — away from cinemas having about as much economic import as video stores. This is Hollywood's last, desperate cash grab before getting completely replaced by the vastly superior, subscription-based, internet-driven movie-watching model. As a matter of fact, as soon as this capeshit/Star Wars bull crap falls out of fashion, the American movie industry is kaput. Outside of sperging out with a bunch of fanboy NEETS on opening night so you can look at Rocket Raccoon's ballsack on a 30-foot screen, there's practically no social utility for the modern movie theater. Why spend $80 for one night out when you can just spend $15 a month and get a literally unlimited amount of cinematic entertainment across ALL of your multimedia devices, wherever you are in the world? 

The writing isn't just on the wall, it's practically welded onto it with big, blinking neon letters. At no point in consumer history have Americans EVER chosen a more expensive, less mobile option over a less expensive, more mobile one. Never, ever, in history. The boombox got supplanted by the iPod, the CRT monitor got supplanted by the plasma screen tablet and the fact your city probably has 78 McDonald's and zero sit-down, family-style diners tells you everything you need to know about the American consumer's need (not want) for high-speed, low-cost delivery models. 

Hell, at this point CHINA's communist, godless movie industry will probably start raking in more moolah than Hollywood by 2022, 2023 at the absolute latest. The common folk don't have the time, nor the patience, nor the desire to shell out $100 for two and a half hours of "entertainment" and oil-slicked popcorn no more; and the industry's awe-inspiring hubris that "event movies" like Infinity War are going to safeguard it from going the way of one-hour photo and VCR repair diplomas is just going to make its inevitable downfall all the more enjoyable to watch from afar. 

And after emptying my wallet this last go at-it, all I can do is reiterate the nearly 30-year-old verbiage of that sage prophet, Chuck D. — burn, Hollywood burn, indeed.

...and saliva fetishism. Lots of it.

Speaking of wishful thinking, here's to hoping that Disobedience inspires an entire generation of filmgoers to consider spit-kissing a mainstream activity. Yep, thanks to director Sebastian Lelio, we might just be on the verge of saliva-swapping transforming from a niche weirdo porno perversion into a bona-fide, culturally accepted display of affection, considering the marquee moment of his new flick is when lesbo lovers Rachel Weisz and Rachel McAdams take turns hocking loogies in one another's mouths for sexual gratification. Sure, we've seen mainstream-ish directors trudge this territory before, like in The Neon Demon, but considering THAT movie featured spit-kissing between one living actor and a cadaver, well, let's just say Disobedience has a better chance of making ooky-mouth go legit than the oeuvre of Nicholas Winding Refn. I can see it now — lovelorn couples taking turns dripping goobers down each other's esophagi in amorous embraces at the airport. Middle schoolers getting written up for coughing phlegm into one another's mouths in-between classes. Hell, instead of the traditional wedding buss, mayhap we'll start seeing spouses slobbering sputum all over each other like porn stars now, and if it ever does, we'll probably have this movie right here to thank.

The movie starts off with this rabbi talking about the differences between beasts and humans before dropping dead on the floor of the synagogue. Then we cut to Rachel Weisz (who looks like a middle age Lordes, know that I think about it) taking pictures of old dudes covered in tattoos. Then she goes to a bar and lets some random guy shag her in the bathroom, then she ice skates for a bit looking all disappointed in herself. So — not that you really needed me to tell you this — yes, this is indeed one of those pretentious, "arthouse"-type movies. Then she goes to a house party hosted by another rabbi and she drinks tea and smokes in the kitchen and she busts this one dude's balls by making fun of the woman he married and then Rachel McAdams shows up in a brown wig and dressed like a 19-year-old bible college student. Then Weisz goes downstairs and listens to some Jew-singing, then Addams lets Weiss spend the night at her place and she starts kvetching about whether or not she loved the old dead rabbi as much as everybody else did. Then she starts asking McAdams if she and her yarmulke-sporting husband are happy being married and they say "of course" so you KNOW they're having some major relationship difficulties going on. Then Weisz goes to her old rabbi's grave and we find out the dead dude is actually her father, which is a surprise to me because I didn't know rabbis were allowed to have sex with anything but 12-year-old boys.

Then McAdams resumes teaching singing classes at an all-girl school while Weiss goes out and buys some apple strudel. Then McAdams goes home and takes her wig off and shows us her buttcheeks and her tit-tays for about two seconds and then she and her husband do the nasty. Then they go to dinner and talk about feminism for a bit and how women "erase their own histories" by taking their husbands' last names  and Weisz said she wants to sell her dad's old house and all the old Jews are agog and she criticizes them for forcing her into "institutional obligation" or some other shit and apparently, all this fierce independent womanhood makes McAdams a bit moist in her panties so she just sits there staring lovingly at her throughout the rest of the dinner.

Then Weisz gets a haircut and another old Jew man yells at her for not being there when her father died. Then McAdams runs into an old friend that has like 16 kids at a grocery store and she runs into McAdams again and they decide to go back to their place and Weisz turns on the radio until she finds a station playing The Cure and then they just walk around the house for a bit talking about reading the Torah and then all of a sudden McAdams starts squeezing on Weisz's boobies and then they start kissing on the lips and McAdams starts to freak out a little and then they stop smooching and Weisz starts to leave the house but then she goes down stairs and they start making out again and yes, you probably will get a boner at this point.

They go for a walk afterwards and Weisz starts smoking and they say they've never done anything lesbian before and then McAdams starts smoking, too, and they both confess that they have fantasies about doing it with other women. Then they go into a tunnel and make out some more but some people show up so McAdams has to vamoose. Then McAdams goes home and yanks her wig off and takes a shower and you can kinda' see her breasts through the opaque glass but not really. Then her husband barges in the bathroom and you get a shot of her yamboosas, but only from the reflection in the mirror. But hey — as far as I'm concerned, that still counts.

Then McAdams goes back to school and she's giving a lecture to her students about blood sacrifices or something like that and McAdams' husband starts going through the protocols to become a rabbi himself. Then McAdams tells Weisz she just can't do the whole clam-digging thing and Weisz says she's leaving town then they go to a subway (the kind with trains, not hoagies) and wind up in a dark alleyway somewhere in London so they can snog some more. Then they get a hotel room and McAdams starts kissing on Weisz's boobies and goes down on her and they take turns fingering each other while museum elevator music plays and then we arrive at the moment of truth — the scene where they FINALLY start playing ooky-mouth with each other. And yeah, call me kinky, but watching Evelyn Carnahan from The Mummy turn Regina George's mouth into a saliva receptacle is pretty dadgum hot, if I may say so myself.

Anyhoo, they get done munching each other's fish tacos and they smoke cigarettes indoor and Weisz asks McAdams if she can take her picture and then her rabbi husband comes home and tries to get frisky with her because they always do it on a Friday (apparently, it's some sort of Hebrew thing, I think) but this time around she rebuffs his advances, goes to the bathroom sink and starts blowing chunks. Then McAdams tells her husband she kissed Weisz and then he starts shaking her and shoots her a mean look and walks out the door, all stoic-looking and stuff even though you just KNOW he be mad as hell right now.

There's some more Jew-singing (I'm sure there's a technical name for it, but I'm too lazy to look it up) and McAdams' husband just stands there looking like he swallowed a turd the whole time so he goes home and pours himself a stiff drink and by the time he, his wife and Weisz have dinner he's already three sheets to the wind and you kept expecting him to freak out, but he never does and Weisz hops in a cab and gets the heck out of (proverbial) Dodge. Then McAdams socks a toboggan over her head, hops on a bus, goes to a pharmacy, buys a whole bunch of drugs and starts praying up against her closet (get it?) like it was the Wailing Wall. Then Weisz and McAdams' husband (I think they might be siblings, you'll have to double-check Wikipedia on your own time) check out the dead rabbi's cleaned out house and he tells her he wish his wife never met her and then McAdams tells her she's pregnant and gives a speech about fearing her child will grow up in an oppressive Jewish millieu that will deprive her (of course she assumes her child is going to be female) of personal liberty and that she's leaving him and her husband, because he's the world's biggest cuck, just walks out the door like it ain't no thang. Then everybody goes to the formal wake or whatever the Jew-equivalent of a Christian wake is and they all try to avoid making eye contact and Weisz asks McAdams to come to New York with her and McAdams' husband is announced as the new rabbi and he tries to give a speech but his nerves are so jangled he can't read his notes and then he starts going on a rant about what "choice" and "freedom" really means and I think it's supposed to parallel what the dead rabbi was saying about men and women and beasts at the very beginning of the movie and of course the whole diatribe is a big "fuck you" to his wife and then he looks her dead in the eyes and screams "YOU ARE FREE!"  Then all three of them have a group hug outside and McAdams' husband tells Weisz "shalom" and he's not even mad she had an affair with his wife no more and she gets in a cab and McAdams chases after her to give her one last smooch and tells her she will make a great mother and Weisz starts crying and she visits her daddy's grave so she can take a picture of it and yep, that's how the movie ends.

We've got one dead body. Four breasts. Two exposed female buttocks. Multiple lesbian liplocks. Gratuitous Torah reading. Gratuitous kvetching. And the thing more or less responsible for this movie existing in the first place ... some serious spit-swapping fu (expect mono cases to spike coast-to-coast once this thing starts making the rounds on HBO.)

Starring Rachel Weisz as the free-spirited photog that likes to smoke indoors and take pictures of everything; Rachel McAdams as the wig-wearing closeted lesbo that feels iffy about the Jewish patriarchy; Alessandro Nivola as the cucked rabbi who's totally cool with his wife getting her tuna taco licked by another woman; and Nicholas Woodeson as the rabbi who says a bunch of stuff about man and beasts at the beginning of the move then promptly keels over.

Written by Rebecca Lenkiewicz (yep, another Catholic screenplay writer, obviously) and Sebastian Lelio, who also directed all this shit.

Call me crazy, but I kind of enjoyed it. It's not a great movie by any stretch, but the acting is pretty good and there's a lot of good atmosphere building up to the grand finale where the rabbi-in-training finally confronts his philandering spouse about all of that snatch-diving she's been doing on the down-low ... although the ending, obviously, is the text-book definition of anticlimactic. I give it a decent two and a half tofu dogs out of four. Jimbo says check it out, but wait until it starts playing on Showtime so you can whack your weasel to it.

Actually, that's one of the better special effects in the movie.

Speaking of shameless, disgusting things, that brings us to our second feature of the week, the new Japaheeno horror-comedy Vampire Clay, which might just be the first zombie movie ever made about the standards being too darned high in Tokyo's art academies.

The movie starts off with this middle-aged hag unearthing a bag of modeling clay in her backyard, and since this is a horror movie, of course it ain't no regular kind of modeling clay ... but we'll get back to that in just a minute. First, we've got to meet all the students at this one countryside art college, which I'm pretty sure is the Japanese equivalent of going to DeVry. Then the new girl in school unties the bag of mystery clay  and starts making facsimiles of starfruit with it and then she thinks she sees it breathing when she spritzes it with water and then their teacher comes in and tells them to not be so goddamned conventional with their designs, which considering they are Japanese, after all, is kinda' like trying to teach a fish to ride a unicycle.

So the students (like Suspiria, they're all predominantly female) get kind of subversively catty with each other and then the clay grows penis-like tendrils and starts stealing their razor blades. Then one of the girls pokes herself on a discarded razor and bleeds all over a ceramic ashtray in the making and this old one dude shows up and just stares at the bike rack and he sees somebody dug a hole in the backyard and he has flashbacks of a giant hot dog monster eating everybody and then he starts running to the hills like a madman. Then the clay escapes at night and starts lurching around the place looking like a sentient dog turd and eating all the school's pet gerbils. 

Then the students kvetch about not being good enough to get into a real art school and their teacher has flashbacks to her husband cheating on her and then — conveniently enough — an earthquake strikes. Then they bicker and argue over the role of "individuality" in modern art some more and then this one girl sneaks into the art room after hours and one of the clay sculptures comes alive and starts eating her hand. Then it barfs out the gerbil it ate later and it sprouts tendrils and jumps in her mouth and she has to poke the possessed clay head with a fork but when she goes to text for help her OWN fingers turn into taffy and next thing you know her hands are melding together into a big old wad of intestinal bubble gum and then one of her arms falls off and then the other arm turns into a Play-Doh whale and eats her entire upper torso.

Then the girl everybody thought got ate by Play-Doh shows up out of the woods and she razor blades another student while she's grabbing a smoke so she can eat her blood, then her face falls off and she starts shoving her big cancer-squid clay hands inside her gizzards. Then she shows up a couple of minutes later looking all normal and stuff, but right before she can attack her teacher with a box cutter the only male student there accidentally bumps it out of her hands. Then she does something truly evil — she eats one of her fellow students' rice lunches without their permission. Then she grabs a butcher knife and cuts his face with it then a set of Kermit the Frog lips pop out of her head and start eating him. Then he's possessed with Play-Doh fever and he's running around waving a butcher knife around like Michael Myers and he ends up hacking off his own hand and then more clay tendrils start chasing after another girl, then he replaces his arm with a triangular ruler and the girl shoves it through his left cheek and then he starts trying to headbutt her like Bam Bam Bigelow and that's when the teacher shows up to shove a lunchbox through his face and knock his head clean off his shoulders. Then the crazy old man from the beginning of the mouth shows up with a portable heater and dries his ass up before stomping him into a million billion pieces.

Then we get the back story on the titular vampire clay. Apparently some autistic sculptor sold his soul to the devil so he could meet the requirements of a big restaurant order or something like that. But apparently he lived on top a toxic waste dump so he had super cancer, so he decided to start making sculptures with his own blood and the restaurant guy Jews him out of his royalties so they get into a kung fu fight and the sculptor keels over and I think his soul entered the sculpture's body or something. Oh, and that restaurant guy is the crazy old man, because apparently, even shitty Japanese movies nowadays need some sort of midway-point plot twist.

Then the surviving two girls, their teacher and the old dude start rounding up all the stray pieces of clay they can find, then one of the zombies shows up with a Mr. Potato Head doll growing out of the left side of her face and she throws a scalpel at them so the old dude has no choice but to blowtorch her. Then there's an earthquake and a bag of dried clay gets ripped open and the old dude breathes in the dust and he gives him autistic sculptor zombie flu, too and he starts coughing up blood and a giant frog-retard sculpture starts growing out of his chest and turns into a herky-jerky stop-motion midget that's ready to eat everybody left in the cast.  Which means you know EXACTLY what to expect in the grand finale:  two girls, one claymation monster, one VERY unreliable homemade blowtorch and a whole hell of a lot of things getting stabbed over and over again ... only for the final 15 minutes of the movie to consist of the sole surviving art student consoling her teacher for not getting into the good arts academy when she was younger and them burying the zombie clay in one of them suicide forests Japan's all famous for.

And yes, there is a sequel hook, of course — so next year, be on the lookout for the follow-up, Vampire Mixed Media.  

We've got seven dead bodies. No breasts. Six zombies. One dead gerbil. Multiple claymation rape attempts. Arms roll. Hands roll. Face slashing. Head stomping. Bloody face picking. Gratuitous slow-motion effect, for no discernible reason whatsoever. Gratuitous business partner battering. Box cutter fu. Fork fu. Plastic ruler fu. Blowtorch fu. And the thing more or less responsible for this movie existing in the first place ... some heavy duty ceramics fu.

Starring Ena Fujita as the final girl ... or, at least, the final girl who isn't in the clutches of menopause; Asuka Kurosawa as the art school teacher who has to protect her students from zombies using plastic compasses; Kanji Tsuda as the unscrupulous restaurateur who still feels guilty about turning his business partner into a  piece of sentient sculpting clay 20 years later; and Kanji Tsuda as the creator of the titular vampire clay, who probably won't become the next big horror genre icon, no matter how bad the makers of the movie tried.

Written and directed by first time feature film director and special effects maestro Soichi Umezawa, who has to be given a little bit of credit for trying to merge The Thing with Heathers for about 45 yen and almost being halfway successful at it, to boot.

It might be a little too wacky for hardcore horror fans and a little too gross for the normies, and while it's far from being a brilliant, subversive, Gozu or Visitor Q type arthouse J-horror flick, it's still pretty enjoyable for what it is. I give it an OK two and a half tofu dogs out of four. Jimbo says check it out, but only if you've got way too much time to kill one rainy afternoon.

Read More

Revisiting PRIDE FC 2 from 1998!

Think you're a real MMA fan? Well, you ain't shit until you've seen Renzo Gracie smell another man's balls for 50 minutes straight ...

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

Our whirlwind journey through the ENTIRE Pride FC fightography continues with a look back at the company's second-ever show — ingeniously titled "Pride FC 2" — which took place at the Yokohama Arena on March 15, 1998.

In terms of financial performance and in-ring quality, I think it's safe to say the inaugural Pride FC event was a rousing success, perhaps even one that was vastly larger than most people anticipated. After drawing damn near 50,000 people to the Tokyo Dome, it was pretty much a given that Nobuhiko Takada and Nobuyuki Sakakibara would attempt to recapture that same magic much sooner than later. And so, five months later, they decided to host the second Pride event in Yokohama, a considerably smaller venue, with a decisively shittier line-up of fights. And trust me — as bad as these fights sound on paper, I assure you they are ten times worse in motion.

But hey, don't take my word for it ... instead, take about 2,000 of them as I recount, reflect and (regrettably) reminisce on Pride's less than spectacular sophomore outing.

Up first, it's Royler Gracie taking on Yuhi (Naoki) Sano. Our commentators are Bas Rutten and Stephen Quadros, a.k.a. the best MMA play-by-play duo in fuckin' history. Royler is giving up about 50 pounds in this fight to the former UWFi grappler. And it SHOWS. Goddamn does Royler look anorexic. Rutten says Sano's fighting to prove pro wrestling ain't no joke. Royler has double hooks in and he's pulling Sano into the butterfly guard. Sano holding his own quite well up to this point. And on cue, Royler lands a sweep and hops into the full mount. Whoops. Sano is holding onto Royler for dear life. He tries to shuck Gracie off but Royler isn't giving up much ground. He keeps jumping from side to side. Sano is still flattened out on the mat. And Sano finaly manages to push Royler off. Gracie goes for a triangle and Sano ALMOST powerbombs his ass. Now both men are standing again. Royler clinches and he's trying to goad Sano into the butterfly guard again. Bas Rutten says Royler is built like a rock climber, which is actually a pretty apt little description. Also Quadros loses a lot of cred when he refers to Takada as "the Hulk Hogan of Japan." Royler looking for another triangle. Sano stands up and he falls back into the guard for no real comprehensible reason whatsoever. By the way, we're about five minutes into this and nobody's landed a single strike. Sano defends a single leg takedown and Royler ties him up again. Royler with another beautiful sweep. He's in side control. Quadros reminds us that this fight isn't being scored using points, so yeah, none of this shit technically counts, I suppose. Royler still trying to get into the full mount. The audience is dead silent for all of this shit and Rutten starts singing Simon and Garfunkel, because let's face it, there isn't a whole hell of a lot else to do right about now. Royler has Sano's neck cradled. He's in the full mount — we're talking the straight up missionary position at this point. "Nobody wants to see this," Rutten comments before singing "The Sound of Silence" again. Quadros is wondering why Royler isn't trying to smother his opponent so he can set up a cheap submission attempt. Hoo boy, this is a glorified BJJ grappling session right here. Rutten can't fathom how quiet the fans are, stating he doesn't want to have to watch this shit for another half hour. Royler is back in the full mount. Quadros bets Rutten "a million dollars" this fight won't make it a full 30 minutes. Royler FINALLY lands a punch. Sano tries to sweep and Royler starts working from side control again. Royler peppers Sano with the pussiest punches you have ever seen in your life. He is literally love tapping that motherfucker. LOL at comparing Royler's strategy to that of Alexis Arguello, of all fuckin' people. I mean, for real, nigga? "It's almost like two insects fighting," Quadros says. Cue Rutten's impressive Tony Montana impersonation. Shit, that alone makes this god awful fight worth it. Royler back in the full mount ... again. Well, it only took 20 minutes, but Sano is FINALLY trying to punch back. "I don't think fights like this are going to set the general public on fire," Quadros said. "People don't just want to see technique and strategy, they want drama." Truer words have never been spoken, Holmes. Quadros says this is the equivalent of a slow blues band taking the stage of a "thrash punk" festival. "This is not a fight, this is just two people laying on each other," Rutten said. Royler with more pansy-ass pillow-fists. Royler back in the full mount. Shit, this is one of the most boring things I've ever seen in my life. "They're probably applauding the fight is almost over," Quadros says. Rutten goes on a spiel about not being able to get a beer during the fight after waiting 30 minutes for something to happen. Now Sano is trying to hop in the full mount and Royler is rocking his face hard. It looks like Sano is trying to make Royler submit by smelling his cock. Now Royler is throwing some upkicks. Looks like Royler was playing possum with his punches after all. Royler throwing for the fences with his back on the mat. Sano looks beyond gassed at this point. Sano still trying to get in the full mount. Royler with several upkicks and Sano is bleeding profusely. Royler with a fucking roundhouse kick WHILE ON HIS BACK. No, for real. Sano is back in the full guard and Royler is punching the shit out of him. Quadros makes a reference to Kids in the Hall, of all fucking things. Royler still cracking Sano like bubble wrap. Royler with another upkick and Rutten asks Gracie to kick Sano in the balls. The refs stop the "action" so they can tape up Royler's glove. Royler shoots for a takedown and he gets it. He's working from the full mount and he's got an armbar locked in. Sano taps, and mercifully, this one is FINALLY over.

The official time is 33:14, if you were wondering. Quadros celebrates Royler's performance as strategically brilliant, comparing his technique to that of a slow cooker.

Ka-Sushi Sock-A-Rob-You? Eh, he'll never be anything more than a mid-carder, at best ...

Now we get Akira Shoji (who had that surprisingly awesome fight against Renzo Gracie back at Pride FC 1) taking on Juan Mott. Gotta' dig Shoji's CLASSY attempt at a ninth-grader's mustache and goatee combo. Both men feigning early. Mott with a decent low kick. Shoji keeps checking the bottom of his feet for something. He sweeps Mott like yesterday's garbage and he's already in the full mount. Not a lot of action happening. Oh fuck, Shoji has Juan's back and he's got a choke. Juan is flattened out with his legs straight up in the air. He taps.

The submission came at 3:47 in round 1. Pretty much a one-sided drubbing, with one competitor CLEARLY the superior fighter in every category.

Next on the menu, it's Dutch fighter William Roosmalen going toe-to-toe with American striker Ralph White. White — who, ironically enough, is black — looks like an anorexic version of Quinton Jackson. And if White looks familiar, it's because he was the guy that got turned into The Elephant Man by Branko C. at the very first Pride FC show a few months earlier. Thankfully, the swelling on White's forehead has gone down substantially, and right out the gate we've got a low-kicking clinic. The Dutch white dude is some kind of kickboxing motherfucker, which apparently, is a trait of all peoples from The Netherlands. White whiffs on a haymaker. Oh shit, NOW they tell us this fight is being contested under kickboxing rules, not MMA rules. Well, I guess that explains why both men are wearing those giant pitcher's mitts on their hands, I suppose. Roos scoring some solid low kicks and White keeps headhunting. White lands a head kick, but Roos keeps plowing forward. Roos gets warned for, uh, clinching, I think? And that's the end of round one. Koji Kitao — the sumo wrestler who "shot" on Earthquake that one time — is in the crowd, rocking a half blond/half brunette skunk cut. White's striking is looking a little better this right. White tries to clinch and throws a couple of knees before the rep breaks 'em up. Roos with a nice behind-the-ankle kick. White ALMOST connects on a head kick. Roos with a kick to the stomach. Quadros can't figure out what the tattoo on Roos' stomach is supposed to be. White with a kick to the abdomen, and Roos counters with a solid jab and a knee to the appendix. That's the end of the round. LOL at Quadros saying "that's not a ghetto strut," White's leg really is that fucked up. They show some dude with a mustache in the audience and Rutten says "look, it's a samurai!" and I almost spit Starbucks all over my monitor. Roos is working some fantastic inner thigh knee shots. White lands a few punches in the clinch. Roos lands a couple of more knees to the solar plexus. Looks like the end is near for White. Roos breaks through with a solid jab. White whiffs on a would-be haymaker. We've got another clinch, and Roos is landing them in spades. White goes for an uppercut, but he can't land it. Roos with leg kicks and a knee to the stomach. End of the round. Roos with more brutal leg kicks. Punches in the clinch. White eats a knee to the liver and White goes down like a stack of cards during an aerobics class at Weight Watchers. Nope, he can't answer the ten count, and Roos is our winner by K.O.

The official time? Just 38 seconds into round four.

Our next bout pits Vernon "Tiger" White against some random Japanese guy named Kazushi Sakuraba. Huh. I wonder if we'll ever see him in the ring again? Shit, even then Saku was rocking the Creamsicle-colored panties. Believe it or not, this was only Saku's THIRD professional MMA bout. And props to Quadros for giving a great explanation on why Saku had to fight "Conan" Silveiro TWICE at UFC Ultimate Japan back in Dec. 1997. White almost drops Saku with a HARD right and Saku shoots for a takedown. He floats over to the half guard. Also, LOL at Quadros acting like Pancrase was a "real" MMA organization. Saku keeps looking for a, uh, heel hook, I guess, but Vernon is holding his own pretty well. Saku flattens White out once more. He's almost in the full guard. Nope, he's back to the half guard. Now he has White in the full mount. Vernon rolls, lands one hammer fist and now he's totally vertical. He lets Saku get back up. Saku goes for a heel pick. Vernon doing a good job of protecting his knee. Saku spins out to the side mount. Saku switches over the other side and he's got a straight armbar locked in. Vernon fighting like hell to not give it up. White is trying to ragdoll Saku to escape. And he does. Now Vernon has Saku's back. He's going for a choke. Saku slips out and he's momentarily in the north-south position. Saku going for a toehold. Saku switches over to side control and lands a knee to the ribs. The refs enter the ring and scoot both competitors to the middle of the mat. Vernon kicks Saku's knee with his back flat on the canvas. Saku easily passes the guard and he appears to be shooting for another knee bar ... which he rolls into a straight armbar. But Vernon escapes and now HE has Saku's back! White literally lands one punch to the head, stands up, and Saku takes him down again. Saku is in side control. White is doing a good job protecting his arm. Man, is it great watching Takada on the outside silently eating his own shit realizing just how much better of a fighter Saku is than he is. Saku hops back in the full mount and yep, that's the end of the round.

Round two commences. White lands a straight jab. Then Saku whiffs on a high kick. Saku shoots for a takedown. Vernon tries to pull him into his guard, but Saku is more than content just hanging out from he half guard for a while. Saku is in the full mount again. Saku pops White right in his big, black face. Saku goes for another armbar. Vernon is holding on to Saku's shin for dear life. White escapes and now he has Saku's back. He lands a HARD shot to the left side of Saku's head. Vernon is going for a choke, without any hooks in. Saku ripostes with a fireman's carry (for real) and he's right back into the full guard. White's holding on to Saku's arm. Saku is folded up like an accordion while White sprawls. White has Saku's back. He's gearing up for a German suplex and Saku counters it into a rolling straight armbar. That shit was fucking beautiful. White is back to his feet again. Saku rolls again on the follow-through and tries desperately to get that armbar. White has Saku's back one more time. He's going for a rear naked choke, but Saku spins out. Well, that, or Vernon just gave it up. Saku hops right back into the half guard and he's looking for Mr. Armbar yet again. There are three minutes left in the round. Vernon still has Saku's back. Saku is pushing Vernon forward, and White has double hooks in. For some dumb reason, Vernon gives it up. He lands a HARD knee to Saku's body. Both men standing, and Saku is trying for a kimura. White escapes. Saku shoots for a takedown and Saku is in the full guard. This is a grappling clinic right here. Saku lands a right from the top. White has a bodylock with his legs. He has Saku's back. He's going for a choke. And that's the bell for round two. 

Round three. Saku with a takedown and he floats over to side control. Saku with a few punches raining down from the top. Vernon throws his legs up into the air, for no real reason whatsoever. Saku with another armbar attempt, but White rolls out of it like it ain't no thang. Now White has Saku's back. Saku rolls again and he's going for an armbar. No dice. White has his back AGAIN. You kinda' have to wonder why he isn't throwing any strikes, though. Five minutes left in the fight. White has Saku's back, and he's going for a neck crank ... I think. Saku does a great job defending and now he's almost in the half guard again. Saku's looking for his umpteenth armbar of the fight. Vernon rolls around, but uh-oh, Saku manages to parlay that into a fuckin' straight armbar OUT OF NOWHERE and Vernon taps!

The official time of the submission is 6:53 of round three. That was definitely one of the best grappling showcases from the early days of Pride. And, it being Saku's big coming out party and all, it's certainly a historically important bout, to boot. I wouldn't advise going WAY out of your way to watch it, but if you fancy yourself a *true* MMA fan, this is definitely a late '90s technical showcase you NEED to experience at some point in your spectating career. A really, really good match right here (and pretty much the only positive thing I can say about the show as a whole, really.)

All I can say is "hit fast forward and don't let go of the button until your fuckin' finger falls asleep."

Now it's time for Renzo Gracie vs. Sanae Kikuta. Heads up — this motherfucker takes SIX ROUNDS to decide, so you might want to break out the Mountain Dew Code Red before heading into this sumbitch. Anyway, Sanae is LITERALLY Ryu from Street Fighter II and Renzo is, uh, Royce Gracie, except a little bit bigger and with bushier eyebrows. We're clinching against the turnbuckles early. Gracie gets a takedown and Renzo lands a few shots from the top. Sanae holding on for dear life. He finally escapes and gets to his feet, but Renzo immediately ties him up against the pads again. Renzo landing some body shots to the solar plexus in the clinch. Sanae with a hip toss and he falls into the full mount. Then the NOT AT ALL BIASED JAPANESE REFS push them towards the middle of the ring so Sanae doesn't have to break the hold. Renzo doing a good job protecting himself from the bottom, as all Sanae can do is pretty much whiff his opponent's testicles. Nope, not a whole lot of action happening here, as Sanae tries hopelessly to lock in an armbar. The ref drags them back to the center of the ring again. Yawn. "Whenever a Japanese fighter fights a Gracie, they don't do anything," Rutten declares. Believe it or not, Sanae is STILL in the full mount, and it's been like, five fucking minutes uninterrupted. One minute left in the round. LOL at Renzo punching Sanae with pillow-soft punches to the head over and over again until the round ends.

Round two. Sanae throwing some loopy right hands. Quadros makes a passive aggressive comment about boxing not being Sanae's strong suit. Renzo ALMOST lands a knockout jab on the follow-through, but he misses by a few inches. So he just bullies Sanae into the turnbuckle pad again. Hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it, right? More hugging ensues, and Renzo shows no signs of giving up the bodylock. He goes for a leg trip, but Sanae maintains his balance. Renzo with some good knees in the clinch. They finally seperate, and Renzo comes out strong with knee strikes. Renzo swings Sanae into the ropes and, right on cue, we're back to the turnbuckle pad. Sanae has double underhooks in. And he loses them. Both men look gassed as fuck, and as soon as I type it, Sanae powers forward and takes Renzo down on a botched hip toss attempt. Sanae looking pretty comfortable in the full mount. It's been a few minutes, and he's still just hanging out there. We get a clean break and now Sanae is dodging upkicks from Renzo. Now Sanae is back in the full mount. The announcers have absolutely nothing to talk about. One minute left in the round. "They're hugging each other intensely," Rutten comments. Renzo with a bunch of shitty punches to the ribs, and that's the end of round numero dos.

Round three. Sanae gets a takedown almost the second the bell sounds, and sure as sugar, he lands right on top of Renzo. Oh hell, here we go again. Fuck, why DID people think Renzo was ever that good back in the day, anyway? Sanae is still in the full mount. He lands several knees in the full guard, but he misses on both attempts and winds up striking the canvas with his patella. Sanae keeping Renzo at bay with a a side headlock. Sanae is balling Renzo up like a wadded sock. Now he's working his magic from side control. Sanae is back to his feet and Renzo is throwing upkicks en masse. Sanae immediately hops right back into the full guard, because apparently, he ain't that bright a bulb. Sanae is back in side control. Sanae's in the full mount. Fuck, I can't believe I just spent a full half hour watching this shit. Sanae still stuck in the missionary position, where he's trying to force a submission via penis on penis friction. Quadros has so litle to work with that he starts talking about how effective  just holding a motherfucker is in a street fight. Rutten does him one better by stating, in a roundabout way, that this fight is so boring there may never be another PRIDE show again. And that's the end of round three. "I don't hear anybody applauding," Quadros comments.

Round four. Shit almighty, Quadros just said this fight is "unlimited rounds" until somebody submits or gets knocked out. To quote Mr. T, "I pity the fool" that ever paid people money to watch this trash. Anyhoo, Renzo does what Renzo does and just squeezes his opponent up against the turnbuckle pad. Sanae gets a takedown, he's in the full mount and Renzo continues to pop him in the ribs from the bottom. Quadros talks about the need for things like "time limits" and "scoring" as the refs push the two men back into the center of the ring again. Man, I can't believe I wasted a whole Sunday afternoon watching this hot mess. Sanae continues to just kind of lay on top of Renzo. This is the least productive round by far, and that's saying something. Quadros asks Rutten what the longest fight in history is and he cites his mental battle against his ex-wife. You KNOW a fight is fucking garbage when the commentators spend half the fight advocating for the usage of time limits. One minute left in the round. The ref makes them stand for no discernible reason whatsoever. Sanae with a low kick, Renzo with a counter jab. And that's the end of it.

Round five. Yep, it's STILL going on. Rutten literally PRAYS for this fight to end. What do you know, Renzo starts off the round by pushing Sanae into the turnbuckle pad and applies a bodylock. Renzo locks in a guillotine choke and lands several knees to the head. PLEASE LET THIS FIGHT END, IN THE NAME OF JESUS. Renzo with more knees to the stomach. Renzo goes for a neck crank, but Sanae escapes. Now he's in the full mount. A shocker, I know. Now Rutten is giving us a primer on how breathing patterns are used in MMA. We are well beyond the 40-minute mark at this point. Yep, Sanae is STILL in the full guard, and he still ain't doing doo-doo. Renzo looks like he might be trying for a triangle. But he ain't getting it. Renzo's popping Sanae in the head from the bottom. Sanae looks like he's been dead for at least three hours. And mercifully, that's the end of that one. "There is no point if nothing happens," Rutten bluntly declares. "Fighting means going for something. This is not fighting. This is like anti-fighting."

Round six. Yes, this shit show had made it FIFTY FUCKIN' MINUTES. The ref stops the fight so they can fix Sanae's glove. Renzo lands a few punches and he has Sanae trapped in a guillotine. It's deep. AND SANAE TAPS! "Thank God!" both commentators declare at the same time. "I think the people in the audience probably fell asleep," Quadros comments on the silent reaction from the crowd.

The official time is 43 seconds into round six. Needless to say, this is one of the all-time masterpieces of shitty MMA fights — sitting through this 51 minute snoozer no doubt makes you a TRUE MMA enthusiast, I tell you goddamn what.

Alright, now we've got another kickboxing fight, this 'un between Tasis Petridis of Australia and George Randolph of the good old United States of AmeriKKKa. Holy shit, George is massive — that honky nigga' looks like he's damn near seven feet tall. Tasis, regardless, is a full foot shorter than his opponent. Weirdly, it looks like Randolph has a huge bruise under his eye already. Tasis with a low kick and George is head hunting early. He lands a trip but George is right back up. George with more low kicks and Tasis clinches. Yeah, people forget that Quadros himself was a legit kickboxer, don't they? George almost drops his foe with a knee to the noggin. The ref breaks up a clinch, and George falls on his ass on an aborted roundhouse kick attempt. George with knees in bunches. Tasis has to clinch just to save his own ass. George with more knees. Pretty much all he has to do is lightly lift his leg and he's tagging his opponent with patella shots. And that's the end of round one. There are five rounds, BTW, each three minutes in length. "The bigger man may get tired," Quadros comments. Right on cue, George starts slowing down considerably. George whiffs on a Hulk Hogan big boot and Tasis low kicks that motherfucker. Clinch. The ref separates them. Tasis with more low kicks. George whiffs on a straight kick to the belly. George lands a knee. Tasis slips, but he's right back up. Tasis lands a hard right hand, but George just eats it like a bony Snickers bar. Round two ends. Tasis with a right low kick. That seems to be working pretty well for him. Tasis slips, and he's right back up. Tasis with a decent one-two combo. They clinch in the corner. George with a knee, and Tasis makes him eat a flurry of punches. Tasis with a MEAN leg kick, followed by a jumping Superman punch ... kinda. Rutten says he doesn't believe in jabs, and if you've ever seen him fight, you'd know he's telling God's honest truth. George misses on a left hook. And that's the conclusion of round ... what is it, four, now? No, wait, that's the end of round three. My bad. George chases Tasis down and he punches him on the ear. Tasis with a GREAT right hand. George clinches. The ref separates 'em. Tasis spams the right hand again. And then he lands a good low kick. And another one. Tasis misses by a mile with the high kick. Tasis lands a left to the body and George rattles off a knee strike. George throws a molasses slow kick, and then Tasis lands a right high kick and a TON of punches. But George soldiers on. "I won't Tong Po," Quadros quips at round's end. Alright, the fifth and final round is upon us. Tasis with more low kicks. George is running on one busted wheel at this point. George almost punches Tasis out of the ring. George lands a takedown ... too bad takedowns aren't allowed in kickboxing, though. Tasis still looking for that high kick finish. Tasis with a spinning kick to the spleen. That was awesome. Then he lands another left hook. There's roughly a minute left. Tasis with a TON of punches to the back of George's head. Apparently Tasis got hit in the testicles. After a brief timeout we resume the action. Tasis goes for a high kick and George wrestles him to the ground. And that's all she wrote, kids.

Let's go to the judges. Shocker — Tasis won on points.

Time for our co-main event, Marco Ruas vs. Gary Goodridge.Yep, that's Marco Ruas, the champeen of UFC 7. Fun fact: "Ruas" literally means "streets" in Portugese (citation: Steve Quadros.) LOL at Quadros saying neither of these guys are capable of having a shitty fight, because God knows they need a barnburner after all the turds on this card thus far. Ruas goes for a spinning kick early and Gary chases him down. Ruas with a low kick and Gary staggers him with a hard right. Goodridge clearly has the weight advantage here. Gary with a flurry of hard punches and Ruas lands a takedown ... only for Gary to land on top of him. Now Goodridge is in the side mount. Uh-oh. Ruas is bleeding already from a punch in the half guard. Goodridge lands several HARD punches from the full mount. Oh shit, Ruas is about to get fucked up bad. More bombs from Goodridge as Gary plays Marco's head like a goddamn gong. Gary going for a neck crank. Ruas escapes. Goodridge remains comfortably in the full mount. Ruas ties his foe's hands up. Ruas tries for a guillotine, but Goodridge is just too damned strong. Gary is in the side mount. Gary with more bombs from the top. Goodridge is vertical. And so is Ruas. Marco has bad swelling under his right eye. Goodridge slips and Ruas capitalizes. Ruas goes for a heel hook and GARY TAPS! Talk about an out-of-nowhere finish!

The official time is 9:09 of round one.

And we come to our main event, Branko Citivic vs. Mark Kerr, which according to The Secret Files of Pride FC, was originally going to be Mark Kerr vs. ROYCE Gracie, but eh, the best laid plans of both mice and men and all that shit. And yes, I do realize that Branko's name has been spelled about 56 different ways, so just fuck it. Say what you will about Mark Kerr, that motherfucker was RIPPED. Dude easily could have been a star in the WWF, had he went that route instead. Lots of circling early. Branko kind of reminds me of Ken Shamrock a little. I mean, visually, in the face and stuff. Kerr shoots for a takedown and Branko holds onto the ropes with one hand and elbows the fuck out of the back of Kerr's head until the ref calls a timeout. Surprisingly, he didn't get carded for that shit. Kerr goes for another takedown and he grabs the ropes again and throws MORE elbows to the back of the head. A whole bunch of referees swarm the ring and we find Branko face down on the mat. Apparently, Kerr gave him a good curb stomping during the melee. And the officials call it a DQ around the 2:14 of round uno. Kerr wins it by disqualification, and because Pride was fucking Pride, they STILL let Branko come back and fight for them a year later. But aye — we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

... and that's why you NEVER trust a goddamn Croat, kids.

Good lord, was that a brutal show to sit through. Outside of the Saku/Vernon White bout, pretty much everything on the show was a.) an overlong exercise in tedium or b.) completely pointless horse shit. I mean, I guess the kickboxing bouts were decent for what they were, and it was fun watching Ruas pull a submission out of fucking nowhere, but hot Christ, do I never want to see a Renzo Gracie match ever again in my life.

This show was so bad it came *yay* close to ending Pride right then and there. Thankfully, they decided to retool their format just a smidge for the next show, and they finally got back to the winning formula of Pride 1 with their first anniversary show at the Dome in six months' time. Of course, we're only four shows into our chronological Pride fightography, but shit, this HAS to be a candidate for worst Pride event ever. And if there ARE any shows up ahead worse than this one, Jesus Christ, somebody give me a heads up so I'll be nice and loaded on Dirty Sprite before pressing forward.

Granted, since this show does mark the Pride debut of Saku, it certainly has some historic merit as an MMA relic, but beyond that, Pride 2 has nothing to offer. I mean, a 33 minute Royler/Sano fight and a fuckin' 51 minute Renzo/Sanae bout on the same goddamn card? No thanks, I'd rather slap my testicles up and down in a rhythmic fashion for an hour and a half instead.

Do yourself a favor and catch Saku vs. White a'la carte. Literally EVERYTHING else on this show you can easily do without ... trust me.

Read More