LIVE Play-By-Play Coverage of Week 14's Raiders vs. Chiefs Game!

Today's Episode:

"Better Late Than Never, Huh?"

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

It's It's that time of year again, folks! As is the tradition here at The Internet Is In America, we're going to do our damnedest to give you LIVE play-by-play coverage of every single Oakland Raiders game of the season, including this afternoon's road test against Kansas City. Join us LIVE on Sunday, Dec. 10 for our patented possession-by-possession coverage of week 12's Raiders vs. Chiefs game, with the festivities beginning at 1 p.m. Eastern time. There'll be updates every commercial break, so be sure to bookmark this shit prior to kickoff. And, as always, do us and yourselves a kindness and let all your fellow Raiders fans know what we're up to by posting links to our coverage on your social media pages. Hey, we're all in this together, remember (#SilverAndBlackLivesMatter)

10:33 AM - Alright, the Raiders and the Chiefs are both 6-6 heading into week 14, and whoever wins this one will be the de facto AFC West leader ... at least for a couple of hours, anyway, pending the Chargers win their game against the Redskins later this afternoon.

10:34 AM - Amari Cooper and Cordarrelle Patterson are both listed as questionable for the Raiders, while Cory James and Jihad Ward are both listed as doubtful. Jon Feliciano is a known scratch. Wait - does that mean David Amerson and Gareon Conley are playing today?

10:38 AM - For the Chiefs, Mitch Morse and Eric Murray are both out. Dee Ford is on the injured reserve and Marcus Peters is suspended. 

10:40 AM - Vegas has the Chiefs as -4.5 favorites, with an over/under set at 48.5. ESPN's Football Power Index gives K.C. a 70 percent chance to win the game.

10:41 AM - And here are the relevant offensive and defensive stats:

10:42 - Kickoff is at 1 p.m. I'll see you then, kids.

1:01 PM - It's 50 degrees in Kansas City. Amari Cooper WILL be playing today.

1:03 PM - The Raiders get the ball first.

1:03 PM - The Raiders take a knee in the end zone.

1:03 PM - Crabtree can't hold on to the first down pass.

1:04 PM - Lynch is hit behind the line.

1:05 PM - Third and 11. And Carr gets sacked after running into Keleche Osmele. Yes, his own O-line. 

1:06 PM - Raiders punt. The ball lands right at midfield.

1:06 PM - A flag is down. Ten yard holding call against the Chiefs.

1:06 PM - Kelce gets four on the pass.

1:07 PM - Hunt runs for enough to move the sticks.

1:08 PM - Hunt runs for three.

1:08 PM - Smith runs down to the OAK 29. A 16-yard scramble.

1:09 PM - IRVIN SACKS SMITH!

1:10 PM - A six yard loss for K.C. The pass to Harris is incomplete.

1:11 PM - Third and 16. Smith slides after a two-yard run.

1:11 PM - The Chiefs are trying for a field goal. It's a 53-yard attempt. It's good. K.C. takes an early lead, 3-0.

1:15 PM - Raiders take over around their own 25.

1:15 PM - Lynch gets a yard, maybe two.

1:16 PM - LYNCH WITH A HUGE GAIN! A 27-yard run up the gut.

1:16 PM - The pass to Crabtree is incomplete.

1:17 PM - A short pass to Walford. A six yard gain.

1:18 PM - Third and four. Carr overshoots Walford by a mile. Marquette King is out to punt.

1:21 PM - Chiefs dialed back to their own 13. Hunt runs for seven.

1:22 PM - Hunt gets four and converts.

1:23 PM - Harris gets around three or four tackles for a 24-yard catch and run. That puts the ball around midfield for K.C.

1:24 PM - Hunt runs for five. 

1:24 PM - Hunt looks like he went down just a few inches shy of the first down marker.

1:25 PM - And the Chiefs convert on third down.

1:26 PM - False start against the offense makes it 1st and 15.

1:26 PM - Hunt gets two, possibly three on the run.

1:27 PM - Second and 13. IRVIN SACKS SMITH AGAIN!

1:28 PM - Third and 16. The Chiefs call a timeout.

1:31 PM - And Tyreek Hill takes it down to the OAK 28.

1:31 PM - Incomplete to Wilson.

1:32 PM - Kelce can't hang on to the end zone sho.

1:32 PM - Third and 10. Smith tries to scramble, but he gets hit before he crosses the first down plain. Hey, it's a holding call against the Raiders. How about that.

1:33 PM - Mario Edwards, Jr. is heading to the locker room.

1:34 PM - And the Chiefs call another timeout.

1:35 PM - And Kelce punches in the 17 yard catch and run for a touchdown.

1:36 PM - Oh, and Kelce's is walking off the field now with some trainers.

1:36 PM - The refs say Kelce's knee was down before he got into the end zone, so those six points are coming off the board. And that'll do us for the first quarter.

1:40 PM - And Kareem Hunt easily saunters in for the one-yard TD run.

1:41 PM - Believe it or not, that's his first touchdown in nine games.

1:41 PM - The XP is good. That makes it 10-0, K.C. with 14:57 left in the second quarter.

1:44 PM - Raiders take over at their own 25.

1:45 PM - Lynch gets one on the run.

1:45 PM - Pattterson with two on the catch and run.

1:46 PM - Third and seven. It's incomplete to Patterson. Raiders have to punt again.

1:47 PM - Hill fair catches it at the K.C. 37.

1:49 PM - Wilson with a 63-yard pick up.

1:50 PM - Hunt gets two before getting popped by Cowser.

1:50 PM - Second and eight. Hunt with enough to move the sticks.

1:51 PM - Kelce gets about four on the catch.

1:52 PM - Second and five. The pass to Kelce is no good.

1:52 PM - Third and five. And Kelce drops what would've been a first down pick-up.

1:53 PM - The Chiefs are out to try a field goal. It's good. Chiefs lead 13-10 with 10:48 left in the second quarter.

1:58 PM - Second and ten. Lynch with a seven yard run.

1:58 PM - Third and three. And there's Cook to reel in the Raiders' first first down conversion of the game.

1:59 PM - The Raiders call a timeout.

2:01 PM - Washington runs for three.

2:01 PM - Second and seven. Lee Smith got illegally shoved on the incompletion.

2:02 PM - That's 15 free yards for the Raiders. 

2:02 PM - Washington runs for one.

2:03 PM - Second and nine. Walford gets seven on the catch.

2:03 PM - It's third and three. And Washington has enough to move the sticks. But oh shit, Amari Cooper is down.

2:04 PM - Looks like he get rolled bad on the last play.

2:07 PM - Derek Carr is hit as he's thrown and the Chiefs pick off the weird-ass looking deflection.

2:11 PM - Hunt runs for three, possibly four.

2:11 PM - Hunt gets stopped a yard shy of the first down marker.

2:26 PM - Sorry, I had to take a huge shit just then. It's now 16-0 Kansas City, which means the Chiefs probably kicked a field goal or something.

2:27 PM - Minute left in the half. Third and five for K.C. McDonald hauls it in for a first down.

2:28 PM - The deep shot to Kelce on first down is no good.

2:28 PM - Smith is sacked by Irvin AGAIN. And that runs the clock down to halftime.

2:29 PM - Chiefs lead 16-0 heading into the third quarter. Time to walk a puppy and I'll see you in a couple of minutes.

2:43 PM - K.C. gets the ball back to begin the third quarter. Hunt gets plugged up at the line of scrimmage.

2:43 PM - Kelce takes it to the K.C. 46 - a 20-yard catch and run.

2:44 PM - Hill gets eight, maybe nine on a pass.

2:45 PM - Hunt with an eight-yard run.

2:46 PM - Hunt with another first down run - an 11-yard gain.

2:46 PM - The first down pass is incomplete.

2:46 PM - Kelce spins for five.

2:47 PM - At the OAK 23. Harris can't hold on to the end zone shot. Fourth down for the Chiefs coming up.

2:48 PM - The field goal is good. It's 19-0, Kansas City.

2:51 PM - Oakland takes over at their own 25. Derek Carr only has 31 yards passing on the day.

2:52 PM - Crabtree with a two-yard reception.

2:53 PM - Second and eight. Patterson gets hit right at the line.

2:54 PM - Third and nine. A flag is down. False start against the Raiders puts them back five more yards.

2:55 PM - Third and 14. Carr under pressure. He gets chased around in the backfield, and the pass to Holton is out of bounds. Time to punt.

2:58 PM - No dice on the first down pass to Kelce.

2:59 PM - Chiefs at their own 32. Kelce hauls it in for 16.

3:00 PM - K.C. with a two-yard gain.

3:00 PM - Second and eight. Hunt gets three on the run.

3:00 PM - Third and five. Smith overshoots his receiver. K.C. must punt for the first time today.

3:01 PM - Richard fair catches it at the OAK 10.

3:04 PM - ...the Raiders fumble the ball and K.C. goddamn recovers it at the OAK 20.

3:05 PM - That was Johny Holton with the giveaway. Fuck him right in the ass.

3:05 PM - And Karl Joseph turns around and INTERCEPTS ALEX SMITH. The fuck.

3:08 PM - First and ten at the OAK 10. Lynch runs for three. Flags are down. It's holding against the Raiders.

3:09 PM - Weird, they're playing Stone Cold's WWF music. First and 14. Patterson juggles it and the ball falls incomplete.

3:10 PM - Second and 14. The pass is underthrown to Crabtree.

3:11 PM - Third and 14. Oakland calls a timeout.

3:11 PM - The shuttle pass to Washington is no good. 

3:12 PM - Marquette King out to punt. Hill goes out of bounds at the OAK 40.

3:13 PM - Hunt with a seven yard run.

3:13 PM - Hunt with another big run. He takes it down to the OAK 13.

3:14 PM - Hunt goes down right at the line.

3:15 PM - And Charcandrick West churns 13 yards for a touchdown run.

3:16 PM - The XP is good. Kansas City leads it, 26-0.

3:18 PM - Crabtree with a 13-yard catch and run.

3:18 PM - Crabtree with nine yards. The Raiders are at midfield.

3:19 PM - Incomplete to Crabtree on a deep pass.

3:19 PM - And there's a five yard illegal shift penalty against Oakland.

3:20 PM - Second and six. Lynch gets four.

3:20 PM - Third and two. Patterson converts with a seven yard pick-up.

3:21 PM - Carr tries to scramble and he gets sacked.

3:21 PM - Second and 10. And Walford drops the first down gain after a big hit.

3:22 PM - Both Walford and the defender are down.

3:23 PM - Third and 10. And Carr tries to scramble and gets sacked again. 

3:24 PM - And that's the end of the third.

3:27 PM - Raiders punt. The ball rolls into the end zone, so that'll put K.C. at their own 25.

3:28 PM - Now Keith McGill is hurt. Fuck this fuckin' game, for fuck's sake.

3:29 PM - Hunt has a 16 yard run.

3:30 PM - Hunt is hit after a three yard gain.

3:30 PM - Wilson gets some good blocking and converts for the first.

3:30 PM - Hunt runs it up for the gut for three.

3:31 PM - Hunt gets maybe two yards on the run.

3:31 PM - The deep pass to Wilson is incomplete. Fourth down coming up.

3:32 PM - The Raiders almost block the punt. The Raiders should have great field position on their next drive.

3:35 PM - Lynch gets three on the pass.

3:36 PM - Second and 7. Incomplete to Crabtree.

3:36 PM - Third and 7. And Cook reels it in to move the sticks. An 18-yard gain.

3:37 PM - Cook with a 14-yard catch.

3:38 PM - And Washington comes close to running for a first down on a broken play.

3:38 PM - And they DO give him the first down. And there's Lynch with a 21 yard touchdown run. Giorgio's XP is good.

3:40 PM - It's now 26-7, Chiefs, with 8:35 left in the fourth.

3:41 PM - And the ball comes loose on the Chiefs' return. And the Raiders may have recovered.

3:44 PM - The Chiefs maintain position after the referees convene. Now Del Rio has dropped the challenge flag.

3:46 PM - Oh shit, the Raiders get the ball back at the KC 43. The pass to Cook is incomplete. But flags are down. 

3:47 PM - Pass interference against Kansas City. Crabtree takes the ball all the way down to the KC 5. But a flag is down. It's holding against Crabtree.

3:48 PM - First and 20. Lynch gets hit hard behind the line. 

3:49 PM - Second and 20. Crabtree with a 13 yard pick up.

3:50 PM - Third and seven. And Patterson can't hold on to it down the sideline.

3:51 PM - The Raiders are going for it on fourth and seven. The Chiefs call a timeout.

3:52 PM - TOUCHDOWN JARED COOK! A 30-yard plus reception!

3:53 PM - Raiders are going for two. And Crabtree hauls it in!

3:53 PM - It's now 26-15, Kansas City with about seven minutes left to play in regulation.

3:56 PM - Thomas goes out of bounds around the KC 25. 

3:57 PM - Hunt gets two on the run. 

3:57 PM - Second and eight. Hunt with three yards on the run.

3:58 PM - Third and five. And Albert Wilson gets seven yards to move the sticks.

3:59 PM - Hunt hit around the line. Flags are down.

4:00 PM - Holding against the Chiefs puts them back 10 yards.

4:00 PM - First and 20. Hunt runs for four.

4:00 PM - Second and 16. Hunt runs for seven, but the Chiefs get hit with ANOTHER holding penalty.

4:01 PM - Second and 26. West with four, maybe five yards.

4:02 PM - Third and 21. West is dropped way behind the line. The Raiders call a timeout as the Chiefs come out to punt.

4:03 PM - Richard fair catches it around the Raiders' 10.

4:04 PM - Roberts takes it to the OAK 19. That's a seven yard gain.

4:05 PM - Crabtree converts.

4:05 PM - And that's the two-minute warning.

4:08 PM - Crabtree gets six yards.

4:08 PM - Second and four. Roberts reels it in for 11 and steps out of bounds.

4:09 PM - Cook with seven.

4:10 PM - Second and three. It's incomplete.

4:11 PM - Third and three around midfield. Fifty six minutes left in the game.

4:11 PM - Crabtree gets eight and steps out of bounds. 

4:11 PM - False start call against the Raiders pushes them back five yards.

4:12 PM - First and 15. Holton gets 10 and goes out of bounds.

4:12 PM - Second and five. And the deep pass is intercepted by Kansas City.

4:13 PM - The Chiefs take a knee and run out the clock.

4:14 PM - Our final score from Kansas City? Chiefs 26, Raiders 15.

4:15 PM - All I can say is - fuck football. Fuck it right in its big leathery asshole.

Read More

2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week 8!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

This Week's Episode:

"The League Goes Full Russo"

THE ELITES

#01

Philadelphia Eagles (7-1)

Season Point Differential: +76

The Eagles are still flying high following their 33-10 beatdown of the 49ers over the weekend. Carson Wentz - who, at this point in the season, could be a legit MVP candidate - went 18 for 32 for 211 yards, two touchdown passes and one interception, while the Eagles' running back committee (led by Corey Clement with 54 yards and 10 carries) racked up 112 yards and one score on the ground. Expect that rushing attack to get even more potent with the addition of ex-Dolphin Jay Ajayi, whom Miami traded to Philadelphia earlier this week for only a fourth round draft pick.

#02

Kansas City Chiefs (6-2)

Season Point Differential: +56

In their 29-19 win over the Broncos, Kansas City managed to force five turnovers, including three interceptions off Trevor Siemian and two fumbles off Jamaal Charles and Isaiah McKenzie. Alex Smith went 14 for 31 for 202 yards and one TD pass, but the Chiefs' run production was shockingly low; with just 46 yards on 22 carries, has the much ballyhooed Kareem Hunt hype train finally run out of steam?

#03

Minnesota Vikings (6-2)

Season Point Differential: +44

In a freshly Aaron Rodgers-less division, the Vikes continue to roll (or is that sail?) with an easy 33-16 win over the Browns. Case Keenum went 27 for 43 for 288 yards, two touchdowns and one interception, with top receiver Adam Thielen registering 98 yards and one TD haul on five catches. Alas, the run defense might need a little work; the Vikings let the Browns outgain them on the ground 115 to 88 yards and two rushing TDs to uno. 

#04

New England Patriots (6-2)

Season Point Differential: +37

Tom Brady has another great game in the Pats' 18-13 win over the Chargers. Tom Terrific concluded the game 32 for 47 for 333 yards and one TD pass, with top receiver James White leading the herd with 85 yards on five catches. Still, questions abound about the team's ability to stop the run; at the final horn, New England could only post 97 yards on the ground, while their defense allowed L.A. to collect 157 rushing yards and one Melvin Gordon TD.

#05

Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2)

Season Point Differential: +36

The Steelers prevailed over the Lions Sunday night, besting Detroit 20-15. Big Ben went 17 for 31 for 317 yards and a one-to-one TD/INT split, with receiver JuJu Smith-Schuster coming out of nowhere to rack up 193 yards and one TD haul on just seven receptions. Still, this team's pass protection is pure dookie - at the final horn, Pittsburgh's D let Matt Stafford drop 423 aerial yards on 'em, although to the Steelers' credit, none of them resulted in end zone hauls.

#06

Los Angeles Rams (5-2)

Season Point Differential: +74

The Rams took a breather over the weekend and will re-emerge this Sunday for a 1 P.M. clash with the Giants. While a lot has been made of Jared Goff's greatly improved passing stats and the team's consistently productive rushing attack, maybe it's the Rams' special teams play that's made them such a surprisingly solid squad thus far in the season? Heading into week nine, L.A. is ranked number one in the League in kickoff return yards (507), averaging about 29.8 yards per return. And with 21 successful field goals on the year, the Rams are tied with Minnesota and Kansas City for the NFL's most productive three point offense.

#07

New Orleans Saints (5-2)

Season Point Differential: +46

While the Bears' defense may have held Drew Brees to a relatively low 299 yards on 23 completions, the Saints' rushing attack managed to add points to the board when New Orleans' passing game couldn't. In the 20-12 win, Mark Ingram and Alvin Kamara combined for 103 rushing yards and two touchdowns on the ground, while New Orleans' defense held Mitch The Bitch to just 164 yards on the day - which you can roll back to 150 if you factor in the two times the Saints' D sacked his ass.

#08

Seattle Seahawks (5-2)

Season Point Differential: +43

Down 38-34 in the final minute of the game, Russell Wilson managed to hit Jimmy Graham on an 18-yard pass with just 21 seconds left in regulation to lift the Seahawks to a come-from-behind 41-38 victory. Speaking of Wilson, he finished the game 26 for 41, 452 yards and four touchdown passes, with receivers Tyler Lockett and Paul Richardson each collecting 100-plus yards on the day. It's a good thing Wilson brought his A+ passing game, because this team's rushing offense was just the pits; while allowing Houston 142 rushing yards, the best Seattle could muster on the ground was a scant 33 yards.

White men may not be able to jump, but they sure can catch like a motherfucker.

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

#09

Buffalo Bills (5-2)

Season Point Differential: +38

In a sloppy, rainy home-stand, the Bills managed to force four fumbles off the Raiders, with Matt Milano recovering a live ball 40 yards for pay dirt in the waning moments of the second quarter. In the 34-14 blowout, T-Mobile went 20 for 27 for 165 yards and one TD pass (plus one scrambling touchdown) while LeSean McCoy managed to run for 151 yards and one score on 27 carries. And the run defense was dynamite, as the Bills were able to hold Oakland to a measly 54 yards on the ground all day long. 

#10

Carolina Panthers (5-3)

Season Point Differential: +6

In a defensive standstill, the Panthers' offense proved slightly more productive than Tampa Bay, as Carolina bumped off the Bucs 17-3 over the weekend. Cam Newton went 18 for 32 for 154 yards and a one-to-one TD/INT split (plus another 44 yards scrambling) with - of all people - running back Christian McCaffery leading the team in reception yards with 49 on five catches. And give the Panthers' D some props - they did managed to force three turnovers out of Jameis Winston, including one recovered fumble and two interceptions.

#11

Jacksonville Jaguars (4-3)

Season Point Differential: +73

Jacksonville had a bye over the weekend and will return Sunday for a home stand against the Bengals. At the almost halfway-point of the season, Jacksonville is the number one pass defense in the League, having held their opponents to just 161.7 aerial yards per game. Furthermore, their 15.7 points allowed average is the lowest in the NFL, and with 33 on the season, Jacksonville is far and away the League leader in sacks ... which, begrudgingly, makes their terrible, terrible nickname "Sacksonville" a rare case of pro sports truth-in-advertising. 

#12

Dallas Cowboys (4-3)

Season Point Differential: +37

First, the good news for the Cowboys. Sunday, the bested their arch rivals Washington 33-19, in a game that saw Ezekiel Elliot collect 150 yards and two rushing touchdowns on 33 carries. The bad news? Well, that six game ban for Elliot finally takes effect this weekend, so Dallas won't have him in the backfield until damn near Christmas. So is Dak Prescott's 143 yards, 14-for-22 on completions performance alone going to be enough to carry the Cowboys through the months of November and early December? Eh ... we'll see, folks.

#13

Green Bay Packers (4-3)

Season Point Differential: +3

The Packers had a bye last week and will re-enter the fray Monday for a home stand against the Lions. With Brett Hundley taking over quarterback duties, the Packers are on a 0-2 skid, and considering his lackluster performance thus far (244 passing yards, one touchdown and four interceptions over the course of eight quarters), one has to wonder if Green Bay wouldn't be in the market for a free agent acquisition if the losing streak continues. Hey - the two Kellens are still unsigned, guys ...

#14

Atlanta Falcons (4-3)

Season Point Differential: +1

It was a close one, but the Falcons still managed to outlast the Jets 25-20. Matt Ryan went 18 for 29 for 254 yards and two touchdown passes, while the Falcons backfield outran the Jets by a 140-43 yard margin. Still, somebody's got to do something about Matty Ice's ball handling - dude fumbled away the ball three times last Sunday, ultimately turning the ball over to New York twice.

#15

Tennessee Titans (4-3)

Season Point Differential: -15

The Titans had a bye last week and return to the gridiron Sunday for a 1 p.m. showdown against Baltimore. With eight weeks in the books, the Titans are ranked 18th in the League, offense-wise, averaging 326.4 yards per contest. Defensively, they rank 13th, allowing 329.4 yards a game.

#16

Miami Dolphins (4-3)

Season Point Differential: -60

In one of the worst Thursday night games in NFL history - oh, and you better believe that's saying something - the Dolphins rolled over like dead porpoises in a 40-0 loss to the Ravens. Matt Moore could only get 176 yards and two interceptions off 24 completions, and the run game, combining for just 45 yards on the day, likely led to Miami trading Jay Ajayi to the Eagles. But on the plus side? At least the defense was able to knock Joe Flacco out of the game, which I assure you is the ONLY thing about this game people 20 years from now will ever remember about it.

If you pause it at the very last frame, you can literally see Joe Flacco forget how subtraction works.

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

#17

Baltimore Ravens (4-4)

Season Point Differential: +22

You know, you'd think you'd have something noteworthy to say about a team that butt-fucked another team 40-0 on live, prime time television, but honestly, there isn't a whole let to tell you about the Ravens' blanking of the Dolphins. Before he got hurt, Joe Flacco went 10 for 15 for 101 yards and a TD, and back-up Ryan Mallett could only collect 20 yards (albeit, with a TD throw) on three completions afterwards. So how did the Ravens manage to win this one 40-0? Long answer, short: three back-to-back defensive touchdowns in the fourth quarter, including two pick sixes lobbed by Matt "Fuck This Shit" Moore.

#18

Houston Texans (3-4)

Season Point Differential: +27

Despite the 41-38 comeback win for Seattle, you really can't say anything bad about DeShaun Watson's performance for the Texans. Last Sunday, he went 19 for 30 for 402 yards and four touchdowns, plus another 67 yards collected on the ground. Wait, hold on - remember when I said you can't say anything bad about Watson's performance? Yeah, I temporarily forgot about those three interceptions he lobbed and the five sacks he ate for minus 35 yards on the day ... 

#19

Detroit Lions (3-4)

Season Point Differential: +7

Despite Matt Stafford lobbing the rock for 423 yards, the Lions still couldn't surmount the Steelers, who bested them 20-15 last Sunday night. The problem is that while no less than three Lions' receivers posted at least 80 yards receiving (with Marvin Jones leading the pack with 128), none of them managed to find their way into the Steelers' end zone. Ditto for Detroit's rushing attack, which could only muster 71 yards and no touchdowns on 22 carries.

#20

Cincinnati Bengals (3-4)

Season Point Differential: -13

The lowly Colts gave the only slightly less lowly Bengals all they could handle in Cincy's narrow 24-23 win over Indianapolis. Andy Dalton went 17 for 29 in the affair, finishing the game with 243 yards and two touchdown passes. Credit Carlos Dunlap as the hero of the day for the Bengals; his 16-yard pick six with less than seven minutes left in the fourth gave the Bengals a lead they wouldn't relinquish for the remainder of the game.

#21

Denver Broncos (3-4)

Season Point Differential: -20

The Broncos' sloppy ball handling - which included five turnovers - wasn't the only problem for Denver in their 29-19 loss to the Chiefs last Monday night. Trevor Siemian went 19 for 36 for 198 yards, one TD and three interceptions, while the team's running back committee, despite outrunning K.C. 177 yards to 79, could only post one touchdown on 31 combined carries. And where was the team's supposedly ferocious defense? At the final tally, the Broncos could only muster one measly sack of Alex Smith, and one interception off Tyreek Hill in one of the worst trick plays you'll ever see in your life.

#22

Washington Redskins (3-4)

Season Point Differential: -20

Even with Kirk Cousins going 26 for 39 for a one-to-one TD-to-INT split, the Redskins' hilarious inability to a.) run the ball their damned selves or b.) stop Dallas from effectively and efficiently running the ball cost 'em a tough Sunday afternoon game to the Cowboys. With a run differential of 169 yards to just 49, it's not really surprising Dallas managed to beat Washington 33-19 ... especially when you factor in the four times Cousins got sacked, plus the two additional fumbles the Redskins gift bagged the Cowboys' defense.

#23

Arizona Cardinals (3-4)

Season Point Differential: -72

The Cards took a bye last week and return this Sunday for an intra-NFC tilt against the 49ers. Averaging 333.1 yards per game, the Cardinals' offense is ranked 16th in the League. Allowing 352.7 a contest, their defense ranks 19th overall. Oh, and just so you know - their probable starting quarterback for Sunday's game trains while dressed as Supergirl.

#24

Los Angeles Chargers (3-4)

Season Point Differential: -2

The Chargers kept it close against the Pats, but they nonetheless managed to drop a tough one 18-13. Melvin Gordon's ground production (132 yards and one TD on 14 carries) was nearly 40 more yards than the entire Patriots' backfield could accumulate on the day, but Philip Rivers' play at quarterback was shaky, at best. He finished the game 17 for 30 for 212 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio - and he also got sacked for an astonishing 20-yard loss on one down.

Give Zach Miller some credit - dressing as Sycho Syd for Halloween is a pretty novel idea.

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

#25

Oakland Raiders (3-5)

Season Point Differential: -21

With Marshawn Lynch, David Amerson and Gareon Conley out for the game - plus Jamize Olawale exiting the game early, and Marquette King clearly not playing at 100 percent - the Raiders marched up to Buffalo and got their asses kicked 34-14. Although Derek Carr eclipsed 300 yards again, he finished the game with a one-to-two TD-to-INT ratio, and the backfield could only muster a puny 54 yards on 14 carries. Rumors are flying that Todd Downing's time as the team's offensive coordinator might not be long for this earth; so will the Raiders try to angle Bill Musgrave back to the team by season's end? Stay tuned, folks - the personnel drama could get thick in a hurry.

#26

New York Jets (3-5)

Season Point Differential: -29

The Jets hung in there, but they still succumbed to the Falcons 25-20 over the weekend. Josh McCown went 26 for 33 for 257 yards and two touchdown passes, but the Jets' run game completely sputtered out. At the final horn, New York could only accumulate 43 yards on the ground, while their defense allowed Atlanta to rack up 140 running the ball.

#27

Chicago Bears (3-5)

Season Point Differential: -37

Despite outgaining the Saints on the ground 157 yards to 101, the Bears nonetheless dropped a tough 'un to New Orleans over the weekend, 20-12. Alas, the only thing people will likely recall about the game is the gruesome leg injury of Zach Miller - who, in the wake of the freaky, stomach-churning accident, might possibly have to have his leg amputated. And adding insult to injury? The apparent touchdown he caught while breaking his leg was overturned by the referees just moments later.

#28

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-5)

Season Point Differential: -20

Jameis Winston had a lackluster showing in the Bucs' 17-3 loss to the Panthers. Going 21 for 38 for 210 yards, the former FSU QB couldn't record any TD passes and lobbed two interceptions in addition to fumbling the ball away once. Factor in the three times he got sacked, plus the fact he could only scramble for 13 yards on the day, and you've got to start asking yourself some serious questions about the long-term viability of America's most famous crustacean thief; is the problem just a shitty o-line, or is the real issue the guy with the ball in his hands?

#29

Indianapolis Colts (2-6)

Season Point Differential: -104

Even with Jacoby "Whisker Biscuit" Brissett going 25 for 39 for 233 yards and a two-to-one TD-to-INT split (with that one interception ultimately leading to a game-closing pick six), the Colts just couldn't get their offense to whiff end zone. In the 24-23 loss to Cincinnati, the Colts' backfield combined for 115 yards, a sum almost twice the rushing output of their opponents. Alas, Indy couldn't find a way to convert those yards into touchdowns, and as a result? The final score on the billboard really shouldn't surprise anybody.

#30

New York Giants (1-6)

Season Point Differential: -44

The Giants took a breather last week and return this Sunday for a home stand against the Rams. Averaging 296.4 yards a game, the G-Men's offense is ranked 27th overall; allowing 379.4 yards per contest, their defense is ranked 24th in the League. Also of note: averaging 16 points a game, the Giants have the NFL's third worst scoreboard numbers, with only Cleveland and Miami recording fewer points a contest.

#31

Cleveland Browns (0-8)

Season Point Differential: -83

Yep, stop me if you've heard this one before - the Browns lost another game over the weekend. Still, the 0-8 wonders at least kept the game somewhat close, and even led the Vikings 13-12 at halftime. Of course, the Browns still being the Browns, they would give up 17 unanswered points in the final 17 minutes of the game en route to a 33-16 loss, which, in a way, kinda' makes the Browns the reverse Harlem Globetrotters; they always find a way to lose, their opponents make them look like clowns and instead of entertaining the masses with their patented tomfoolery, they do everything in their power to make people in Ohio and abroad hate the game of football. 

#32

San Francisco 49ers (0-8)

Season Point Differential: -86

And following the team's dismal performance against the Eagles Sunday, YOUR San Francisco 49ers have officially eclipsed the Cleveland Browns (whom at least have the decency to stay competitive for a quarter or two) as the absolute WORST team in pro football. In the Niners' 33-10 loss to Philadelphia, C.J. Beathard went 17 for 36 for 167 yards, one TD and two interceptions, in addition to scrambling for 40 pointless yards on six carries. Oh, and he got sacked four times for negative 23 yards, had ten passes deflected and got hit after the throw TWELVE times. Hell, at this rate, it's not like Colin K. is going to make the team any worse - that is, if Kaepernick doesn't get snatched up by the Patriots first ...

Read More