Winnipeg vs. Vegas — The Western Conference Finals Match-Up We Never Knew We Wanted

Why the unlikeliest Western Conference Finals in NHL history also has the potential to be one of its best.

By: Jimbo X

JimboXAmerican@gmail.com

@JimboX

Imagine you're a hardcore hockey fan in the year 2008.

Then all of a sudden, a time traveler from 2018 shows up.

Because you're a hardcore hockey fan, you don't ask him any stupid questions about who the president is or whether or not World War III has broken out. Instead, you ask him what *any* level-headed person would: "hey bud, which teams make the Western Conference Finals in the '18 Stanley Cup playoffs?"

I can almost smell the 2008 dude's head exploding when the time traveler speaks.

"A first-year expansion team out of Las Vegas and the Atlanta Thrashers ... who, by the way, are now the second incarnation of the Winnipeg Jets."

There's no doubting it: the Golden Knights/Jets 2.0 WCF match-up HAS to be the most unlikely in NHL history. For that matter, it might just be the unlikeliest conference finals in anything EVER.

Yup, weirder than the Minnesota Wild/Mighty Ducks of Anaheim WCF back in '03. More bizarre than the 2012 WCF coming down to Los Angeles and Phoenix. And certainly more randomly-generated sounding than the time the Eastern Conference Finals came down to Carolina and Toronto ... or Carolina and Buffalo ... or hell, pretty much ANY time it boiled down to the Hurricanes against anybody else.

How do you describe just how weird this is to non-hockey fans? Imagine if next season, Roger Goodell announced the Lions were relocating to London and not only did they have a stellar season, they made it all the way to the NFC Championship ... where they took on a suddenly annexed Toronto Argonauts team from the Canadian Football League.

Or if the National League Championship Series boiled down to the Milwaukee Brewers and the Montreal Expos, who just kind of showed up without explanation halfway through the season.

Or next year's NBA Finals somehow involving both the Washington Bullets AND the Vancouver Grizzlies.

THAT is how weird the actual reality before us is in this NHL season.

The runaway success of the Vegas Golden Knights has to be unparalleled in the world of pro sports. Expansion teams are supposed to be historically terrible, the kinds of squads that finish with single-digit win columns and get blown out 6-1 by teams that don't even qualify for the playoffs.

But here we are, with a FIRST YEAR EXPANSION TEAM just four wins away from participating in the Stanley Cup Finals.

A team like the Knights isn't supposed to be in playoff contention. But they very well could win their league's championship their VERY FIRST season. A team that literally had to cobble itself together with the leftovers none of the other 30 teams in the League wanted has already steamrolled two playoff-caliber teams that have had DECADES to build themselves offensively and defensively.

Sure, you could credit their success to Marc-Andre Fleury's outstanding goaltending, or the impressive depth of their defensive lines. You could even credit their success to all of the other teams getting distracted by all of the gambling, boozing and whoring going on before road games (which, if nothing else, gets me REAL excited to be a Raiders fan a couple years down the road.)

But seemingly no logical explanation suffices. Which, naturally, would put them on a crash course with the only other team in the League's whose sudden success is even half as inexplicable — the Winnipeg Jets.

As in, "these guys USED to be the Atlanta Thrashers seven seasons ago" Winnipeg Jets. The "our province's SECOND largest city only has 46,000 people in it" Winnipeg Jets. The "I seriously forget sometimes they're NOT a team that went defunct in 1996" Winnipeg Jets.

Over in the NBA conference finals, it's Star Wars — James Harden vs. Steph Curry in the West and Lebron vs., uh, whoever's on the Celtics, in the East. You're definitely getting big-name value in pro basketball, but in pro hockey? We're getting a duel between Mark Scheifele and Jonathan Marchessault. Forget "brand names," they're not even attempting to give us names we can PRONOUNCE this go at-it.

And I, for one, am ecstatic.

I hope this thing goes a full seven games and at least half of them go to overtime, with maybe one or two double or triple O.T. affairs just for the hell of it. You've got the Golden Knights, rocking their jerseys that look suspiciously similar to the flag of Germany and/or the 1993 Vancouver Canucks uniform, representing the hedonistic, hyper-capitalist, economic-development-uber-alles excess of Degenerate Disneyland going skate-to-skate and knuckle-to-knuckle with a team that's literally cosplaying as a WHA squad from the 1970s, which — through some great cosmological fluke that defies any an all forms of empirical reason — now represents the greatest hope for Canada to take home Lord Stanley in a quarter-century.

As literally the ONLY Atlanta Thrashers fan in history, this thing is triply, if not quadruply, mind-blowing. Not only is it like seeing your ex-girlfriend get gender reassignment surgery, it's like watching her become a legit contender in the UFC's male heavyweight division after getting her cooch snipped and reshaped into a monster-sized wing-wong.

It just ... man, I can't even wrap my head around it, and that's after staring at a computer screen for the lost two hours cogitating on it.

Forget Leicester City winning the Premier League or Virginia getting beat by a 16th seed in the NCAA tourney or even that time Evander Holyfield hit Hasim Rahman so hard he literally turned into the Elephant Man on live television. This upcoming WCF is far and away the STRANGEST thing I've ever seen in my 32 years of watching, imbibing and ingesting sports products.

And you'd have to be a damned fool to miss even a MICROSECOND of the series.

Enjoy it while it lasts, folks. Surely, our old friend sanity has to take the wheel again at some point, doesn't he?

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The Rocktagon Recap of UFC 216: Ferguson vs. Lee!

Can't afford tonight's PPV spectacular? No problem, homey - our LIVE(ish) round-by-round coverage will keep you in the loop all evening long.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

Well, this is going to be morbid and uncomfortable as fuck. To the best of my knowledge, tonight's PPV is the first major event held in Las Vegas since that one old fucker shot up the country music festival, and to say people are kinda in a funk heading into tonight's festivities is a bit of an understatement. Still, I can't think of a better way to mend a city's broken heart than by showcasing a whole bunch of people of varying ethnicities beating the living shit out of each other for money, and for that, we should all thank the UFC for their consolatory efforts.

We've got a, well, fairly solid card on deck for you. The main event pits two of the best Lightweight fighters on the planet against each other for the pride, honor and prestige of getting their ass kicked by Conor McGregor six months from now, while the co-main event offers us a historical title defense that might (read: almost certainly will) set a new UFC record. And we get to see Derrick Lewis fight, too, who should probably be the favorite fighter of every man, woman and child on the planet, if not for his tweets offering female coworkers advice on asshole-eating etiquette, then for his use of the old Rikisihi "stink face" as a legit offensive maneuver in the cage. LOL, no we're not, because Derrick Lewis pulled out of the card at the last minute. Plus, Evan Dunham is on the card, which is probably the first time anybody's thought about Evan Dunham in at least three years, so it has that going for it, too, I guess.

As always, we here at The Internet Is In America plans on providing you LIVE(ish) coverage of UFC 216 all evening long, with updates posted between each and every round. Our live stream (of consciousness) musings begin at 10 P.M. New York time, so go on ahead and bookmark this page and hit that refresh button fast and furious once fight time arrives. And do us and yourselves a favor and let your fightin' friends on the social medias know about our complimentary services - we'd appreciate it, and you might even get your dick sucked for being so helpful. But, uh, not from me, though - no homo.

He's seen a tough man cry, a loser win and a sad man grin. He's also heard an honest man lie, and seen the downside of up - allegedly.

The PPV begins with Dana White decrying the "disgusting" shooting that transpired in Vegas last weekend. Then they bring out half a dozen first responders and shooting survivors, all wearing Vegas Strong tee-shirts. And here's Everlast to sing "America the Beautiful." A pretty surreal way to start the show, for sure. We get some loud "USA" chants, and then it's a fade to the regular opening video package.

We are calling this shindig live from the T-Mobile Arena in Vegas. Jon Anik, Joe Rogan and Daniel Cormier is our announce team. "Hopefully for the next few hours we can give you some entertainment and normalcy," D.C. says. There's this weird house-music playing throughout the arena - it sounds like the techno version of the ambiance of an all-you-can eat Asian buffet, and now I really want some sweet and sour sauce on something.

Oh, and so you know - the NSAC hasn't adopted the new unified rules, so expect some sort of fluky bullshit refereeing fuck up at some point tonight.

Lightweight Bout

Beneil Dariush (14-3-0-0) vs. Evan Dunham (17-6-0-0)

Fuuuuucckkk ... remember when people were talking about Evan Dunham being potential Lightweight Championship material? That was, like, five years ago, wasn't it? Oddly enough, Dunham is on a four-fight winning streak as of late, with has latest Octagon sojourn resulting in a decision win over Rick Glenn, who is probably better known by his unofficial nickname "Who the fuck is Rick Glenn?" Meanwhile, Beneil Dariush is our token Iranian, whose last in-cage appearance ended with him eating a nasty flying knee from Edson Barboza. So all that to say - I probably wouldn't expect fireworks here. Sparklers, maybe, but definitely not the cool shit.

Dunham comes out waving the Nevada state flag. His theme music is CCR's "Fortunate Son."And in case you're wondering, no, he isn't related to Lena - even though they do kinda look alike in the face. Now Daniel Cormier's microphone is fucking up something fierce.

Dariush comes out looking like he's praying. And his music is this really soft, piano music with some broad singing. Yeah - a real specific description on my part, I know.

Is it just me or does Dariush kinda sorta look like Ben Stiller a little? LOL at this guy in the crowd booing Dariush and pointing to an American flag JPG on his phone. Dunham rattles off a combo. Dariush with a hard knee to the jaw. Dariush controlling the tempo early. Dariush with a hard left hand. Dariush drops him with two NASTY elbows. He has Dunham's back. Dariush is just fucking him up with elbow shots. Dariush is in the half guard. He's shoving Dunham's head into his sternum. Dunham grabs a leg and Dariush is drilling his skull with elbows. Dunham momentarily has a heel hook in. Dariush with MORE elbows. Thirty seconds left, and Dunham is back up. Dariush whiffs wide right on a looping overhand. How the fuck Dunham survived this round is beyond me.

Round two. One of the ring girls was actually at the country music shooting. She's also wearing low cut pants that show off half her ass - not that the two are related or anything. Dariush goes for a jumping knee and Dunham takes him down. Dariush is back up and Dunham is popping him with elbows up against the cage while the crowd makes Ric Flair "woo" noises. Dariush with a nasty leg kick. Dunham grabs Dariush's leg and hits a few hard elbow shots of his own. Dariush with underhooks in. Back in the center of the cage again. Dariush rattles off some more low kicks and he smothers Dunham up against the cage as the round expires.

Round three. Hey, did you know you can get UFC Big Gulps at 7-Eleven now? Because you can. Dunham with a high kick, but he doesn't connect on all of it. Dariush retaliates with some more low kicks. Dunham with a HARD right jab. More "wooing" from the crowd. Dunham shoots for a takedown. He's crushing Dariush against the cage. Now he's firing off some punches to Dariush's side in the clinch. Dunham whiffs on a head kick. Dariush follows with a good leg kick of his own. They exchange knees to the midsection. About a minute left. Dariush misses on a jumping knee. Dunham's swinging for the fences, but Dariush is smart enough to keep his distance. He gets one last knee in as the bell sounds.

The judges have it 29-28 for Dariush and two 28-28's to make it a majority draw. The crowd, naturally boo like motherfuckers. In the post-fight, Dariush says he hopes Jesus Christ gives the victims of the shooting comfort. Huh - the Iranian dude is a Christian. That's news to me. Meanwhile, Dunham says he's from Vegas so he don't quit and he don't give up and that he wanted to fight Dariush because he's really good and he wanted to test himself. Then they play "Last Dance With Mary Jane" by Tom Petty, because shit just ain't maudlin enough tonight.

Time to pimp UFC 217. And that's my cue to walk a puppy. Be right back.

It's a me, a-MARA-o! Get it, because it's referencing a Nintendo game.

Women's Flyweight Bout

Mara Romero Borella (11-4-0-1) vs. Kalindra Faria (18-5-1-0)

This has to be the most random-ass UFC PPV main card fight ever. Both of these broads are making their UFC debuts tonight and neither one of 'em has a Wikipedia page yet, so I had to go to fucking Sherdog to learn who they are. Not that anybody reading this gives even an iota of a sprinkle of a shit, but Borella is on three-fight winning streak, while Faria is also riding a three victory tide. Also, Faria got her ass kicked by Karolina Kowalkiewicz two years back, so at least she's got ample practice for being a divisional floormat. Apologies if I mysteriously disappear for the next 15 minutes, ya'll ...

Faria comes out to some gangsta' rap sounding shit. Also, her skin is like zombie/crank addict purple, and it's terrifying. Borella's theme music is literally just slave drums getting gonged over and over again. And for an Italian chick, she looks suspiciously toffee-colored. Just sayin' ...

Borella has a half foot reach advantage, by the way. The ring girl is named Brooklyn. Well, I wouldn't mind visiting her borough, if you catch my drift. Borella has the takedown already. She's in the full mount and throwing some punches to Faria's ribs. Borella has this bitch in the straight up missionary position. Now she has Faria's back. She's looking for a choke. It's in. And Faria taps. Well, that was a squash.

The official time is 2:54 of the very first round. Mara says some shit in Italian through a translator. Yeah, she'll probably be the favorite for when that women's flyweight title tournament gets set up.

Time to pimp the upcoming Donald Cerrone/Darren Till show two weeks from now. And now, our announce crew gets to do their best hard sell for a fight featuring Walt fuckin' Harris. Now this, I gotta' hear.

No offense, Werdum, but Christopher Reeve had better submission defense than that motherfucker.

Heavyweight Bout

Fabricio Werdum (21-7-1-0) vs. Derrick Lewis (18-5-0-1)
Fabricio Werdum (21-7-1-0) vs. Walt Harris (15-5-0-0)

This 'un ought to be a good one. Werdum is 4-2 in his last five fights, with wins over Cain Velasquez, Travis Browne (twice, actually) and Mark Hunt, although his last scrap in the cage was a decision loss to the Reem at UFC 213. Lewis, on the other hand, was riding a six fight winning streak, up until Mark Hunt knocked him loopy back in June. Of course, Lewis is especially heated up heading into this contest - not because he wants to rebound from a bad loss, but because the training camp for this fight forced him miss out on the McRib sandwich revival, and now some motherfuckers gotta' pay. Nope, we ain't getting none of that shit because Derrick Lewis hurt his back at the last second, so it's now gonna' be Werdum taking on Walt fuckin' Harris as a last second replacement.

Harris, whose nickname is "Big Ticket," comes out to some of that there rapping music all the kids are into these days. Meanwhile, Werdum comes out smiling ear-to-ear, like he just knows he's about to pick up the easiest paycheck of his career.

Werdum whiffs on a spinning high kick. Werdum gets the takedown and is in the full mount already. He's got the legs grapevined. Werdum has an armbar in, and Harris taps. That was barely a minute, ya'll.

You could literally watch the whole fight as an animated GIF. "That's Bald Bull or Soda Popinski in Punch-Out!!" Cormier comments on Werdum's effortless win. The official time is 1:05 of the very first round. In the post-fight, he says he wants his belt back. Uh, I think.

We've got some time to fill, so here's another tribute to Las Vegas' first responders. And here's another UFC 217 trailer, just 'cause.

You will be seeing this on every highlight reel for the rest of your life. Guaranteed.

Flyweight Championship Bout

Demetrious Johnson (26-2-1-0) vs. Ray Borg (11-2-0-0)

NOTE: The following is what I wrote in advance of the scheduled UFC 215 main event that never materialized. I'm reprinting it in full here because a.) I'm lazy as shit and b.) it's not like anything has fucking changed since early September, anyway ...

At this point, what more can be said about Demetrious Johnson? He's short, he kicks everybody's ass (as long as they weigh less than 125 pounds), he thinks Dana White has it out for him and he draws money about as well as Michael J. Fox does with an Etch-a-Sketch. IF he can beat Ray Borg tonight, that'll be his eleventh-consecutive successful title defense, which obviously, would be a new UFC record. But is there an off-chance Ray "The Tazmexican Devil" actually upsets Mighty Mouse tonight in Alberta Nevada? Well, seeing as how Borg has missed weight in two out of his last four bouts, I'd surmise that his championship chances are about as good as Richard Nixon's odds of being elected president in 2020 (you see, it's funny because Richard Nixon has already been elected twice, and also, he's been dead since 1994.) Anyhoo, this one ought to be a one-sided drubbing, but at least it will be a HISTORICAL one-sided drubbing, which I think we can all agree is the best possible kind of one-sided drubbing there is.

Borg comes out to "Shout at the Devil" by Motley Crue. Well, he wins having the best entrance theme of the night, anyway. Johnson gets the classical Bill Goldberg intro, with the security guards escorting him out of his dressing room. His entrance theme is, uh, music of some kind. Sorry, but I don't listen to much of the newer stuff, folks.

Borg with low kicks early. DJ retaliates with some inside leg kicks of his own. DJ whiffs on a high kick. Borg with a right uppercut. DJ with a kick to the body. Johnson has Borg's back. Borg's right back up. Borg shoots for a takedown. He has DJ down to one knee. Borg still has hold of the leg, though. "Mighty Mouse" chants break out. DJ spins out and grabs Borg's back. DJ has Borg splayed out on the mat. DJ is elbowing the fuck out of him. Now Johnson is in side control. And there's the hop into the full mount. He's in side control now, looking for a kimura, perhaps. Now Borg is working for a guillotine. DJ is in side control again, working a kimura. Borg looks for a kimura of his own as the bell sounds.

Round two. DJ with a leg kick. Borg shoots for a double leg. DJ with some potshot knees to the stomach. Johnson with more knees in the clinch. Borg working a guillotine. Borg loses it, but he keeps DJ tied up against the cage. BORG GETS THE TAKEDOWN. DJ is back up, but Borg wrestles him down AGAIN. Borg takes DJ's back, but he literally just shakes him off like a flea. DJ working from side control again. He's kneeing Borg in the ribs over and over. DJ with a ton of knees to the stomach. Borg clinches him against the cage. DJ with a takedown, but Borg tries to get a guillotine in as he falls down. Johnson is leading on punches 62-1. No, that isn't a typo. Borg is seated against the cage. DJ hits some shoulder butts as the round expires.

Round three. Well, my WiFi went down for half the round, so we join in progress with about two minutes left and DJ is in side control just walloping the fuck out of that poor sap. Now Johnson is in the full mount. Now he has Borg's back. Borg scrambles out and he goes for a guillotine. DJ is out in like half a second. Now we're standing. They trade like crazy and Borg FINALLY locks in a guillotine just a few seconds before the bell sounds.

Round four. Borg shoots for a takedown and he slams THE FUCK out of Johnson. Now Borg is in the full mount. Johnson is back up. Now Johnson is on top of Borg, pounding his skill with elbows. Yep, Johnson is in side control again. DJ grinding him out against the cage. They keep kneeing each other in the pelvis and it's kinda funny. Borg goes for a guillotine (again) but DJ ducks and knees him in the stomach instead. DJ with a massive slam. DJ has outstruck Borg by more than 100 blows in this fight. No, for real. DJ in side control again. He's elbowing Borg at will. Borg back to his feet. And DJ sweeps his ass to the ground again. DJ looking for an armbar in the waning seconds of the round.

Round five. DJ with a takedown already. And surprise! He's in side control. DJ with more elbows and knees to the body. DJ with another takedown, and Borg can't lock in the guillotine. What do you know, Johnson is in side control again. Johnson trying to get Borg's back. Borg scrambles out and DJ hits him right in the sternum with a hard knee. HOLY FUCK, DJ just turned a German suplex into a fucking float-over armbar IN ONE FLUID MOTION. That shit just broke every rule of physics you can think of. Borg fights it for a couple of seconds, but he HAS to tap.

The official time is 3:15 of the fifth. That finish is going to be replayed from now until the end of all-time. In the post-fight Johnson thanks the first responders and says he doesn't want to get concussions "because that shit is overrated." And like that, we've got a new record holder for most successful title defenses in UFC history.

Knocking out a dude is one thing, but making him scream uncle while smelling your balls is the ultimate way to a vanquish an enemy.

Interim Lightweight Championship Bout

Tony Ferguson (23-3-0-0) vs. Kevin Lee (16-2-0-0)

As we all know, Conor McGregor SHOULD be defending his Lightweight title against Khabib Nurmagomedov in Madison Square Garden, but because Conor wanted to engage in some extra-curricular activities and Khabib is apparently still recovering from that weight cut that almost killed him back in March, we've got to make do with Tony Ferguson fighting Kevin Lee for the placeholder gold instead. Not that what we've got here tonight is necessarily a bad little match-up. Ferguson is currently riding a nine fight winning streak, having bested Rafael dos Anjos, Lando Vannata and Edson Barboza in his last three fights. Lee, on the other hand, is riding a five-fight winning streak, with his last outing in the Octagon resulting in a submission win over Michael Chiesa. Of course, Lee also had just a wee bit of difficulty making weight for the bout, so that may or may not be a factor heading into our (substitute) championship contest ...

Lee comes out first. Seems like he's mostly getting boos. Oh fuck, it looks like he has a staph infection on his left titty, and Joe Rogan is going nuts. Ferguson comes out to something that sounds like it came off the soundtrack for Breakin' 2: Electric Boogalo. Anik praises him for his, and I quote, "self-belief," which I think we can all agree is an oft-overlooked MMA skill. Then Rogan celebrates him for making his own training equipment.

Yep, Lee's getting the shit booed out of him. There's probably a reason why, but I've been out of the loop for awhile. Both men are from Grand Valley State. Never heard of it, personally. "Ole, ole" chant. Lee with a high head kick early. Lee whiffs on another kick. Lee misses on an overhand right. Lee drops him, then Tony gets right back up and drops Lee. That was crazy. But not as crazy as the following sequence, where Ferguson locks in an armbar, goes for an omoplatta and winds up with Lee getting in the north-south position on the mat. Lee in side control. Lee in the full mount and he's raining elbows on that motherfucker. Ferguson survives, but just barely. And it looks like Lee got a free shot after the bell. But he only gets a warning for it, though. A fucking insane first round.

Round two. We've got ourselves a heated jab exchange early. Ferguson is winding up his arm like Donkey Kong in Super Smash Bros. No, for real. Loud "Tony! Tony!" chants. Both guys trying to fake each other out like Anderson Silva and it's fucking beautiful. Tony with a hard elbow to the face. Tony with a leg kick. Lee with a hard right hand. Ferguson leads Lee on significant strikes, 24 to 16. Lee with a hard kick to the body. Lee can't land the takedown. They exchange leg kicks as the round ends.

Round three. "Tony Ferguson is a patient wolf," Rogan comments. Lee with a takedown. The ref keeps admonishing Tony for grabbing the fence. Tony is right back up. Lee throwing some high kicks. Tony whiffs on a big swing. Tony with a kick to the stomach. Lee whiffs on another huge kick. Lee with a takedown. Tony looking for an armbar. Lee gets out of it - that was some impressive rolling. Tony hitting Lee on top of the head with some elbow shots. Tony going for a triangle. AND LEE TAPS OUT!

And Lee immediately starts crying like a little bitch. He even stomps his feet like a toddler when Tony is announced as the winner. Anyway, the official time is 4:02 of the third. In the post-fight, Tony says the victory is, and I quote, "wooooo, fuckin' amazing." On McGregor: "Where are you, McNugget, you motherfucker!" Time to hear from Lee. Fuck, that is the whitest-sounding black dude of all-time. He makes Bryant Gumbel sound like Mr. T. And LOL at Rogan calling him "Tony" to add insult to injury.

And here's one more UFC 217 promo to close out the night. I'll be back first thing in the morning with some follow-up thoughts. But first ... sleep.

SO, WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? In an ideal world, Tony Ferguson vs. Conor McGregor would get the green light for the big New Year's Eve show, but odds are McGregor is going to be playing hardball for a couple of more months. And with Khabib probably sitting in the sidelines for at least another half year or so, that means the next (interim) Lightweight Championship tilt will probably entail Tony Ferguson vs. the winner of the upcoming Eddie Alvarez/Justin Gaethje bout. And while it would be cool to watch Mighty Mouse go toe-to-toe with a Dominick Cruz or a TJ Dillashaw, it's pretty much a lock we're getting Demetrious Johnson vs. Henry Cejudo 2 for the next Flyweight Championship tilt. If Overeem isn't in fighting shape by the time 2018 rolls around, I wouldn't be surprised if they went on ahead and booked Stipe Miocic vs. Fabricio Werdum for either the New Year's Eve or Super Bowl Saturday main event. And why not set up Beneil Dariush vs. Kevin Lee for a mid-card enhancer at UFC 219? 

THE VERDICT: From top to bottom this was a GREAT show, with the top four matches all delivering awesome finishes (even if two of 'em were Strikeforce-esque squashes.) The prelims were solid (the Bobby Green vs. Lando Vannata bout is already garnering FOTY-talk), the Dunham/Dariush curtain jerker was one of the best PPV openers in recent memory, watching Ferguson's wild comeback against Lee was a hoot and being able to say I watched Demetrious Johnson debut the German Suplex Arm Bar (I henceforth propose we call his new finisher "The Mousetrap") LIVE as it happens is something I will always cherish as a fight fan. And surprisingly, the UFC handled all of the shooting memorial stuff with more tact and dignity than I think any of us anticipated. All in all, this might just be the dark horse pick for MMA Card of the Year - the UFC certainly has its work cut out for it trying to top this shit over the next three months.

SHOW HIGHLIGHT: The awesome Ferguson/Lee main event was the tits, but NOTHING can top the finish of the Demetrious Johnson/Ray Borg bout.

SHOW LOWLIGHT: That Matt Schnell/Marco Beltran undercard fight, I hear, was all kinds of terrible.

ROGAN-ISM OF THE NIGHT: "Her screaming is scary, too" - on the post-victory shrieks of Mara Romero Borella. 

FIVE THINGS I LEARNED FROM TONIGHT'S SHOW:

• In the wake of a national tragedy, nothing mends a country's broken heart quite like wheeling out that one dude from House of Pain.
• Italian girls definitely know how to yank on an organ, if you catch my drift.
• It might not be the best idea in the world to take on the best BJJ Heavyweight of all-time on three hours' notice.
• Contrary to Newton's Law of Universal Gravitation, apparently you can grab a mother fucker out of mid air and hit him with arm bar before he even hits the ground without even letting go of a suplex.
• I'm not saying black people are bad at geometry, but they sure seem to have a hard time figuring out how triangles work.

Well, that's all I've got for you this week. Crank up "Don't They Know..." by Stephanie and Negative Gemini and "We Are The Wild Ones" by NINA and I'll be seeing you cageside in just a few.

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2017 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings (Week 5!)

USA Today and the A.P. can take a hike - these are the only college football rankings anybody ought to care about.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

Do you honestly respect the opinions of organizations like ESPN or USA Today to give it to you straight about college football? Of course you don't, which is where The Internet In America's 2017 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings come into play. Every Wednesday throughout the '17 season we'll post our own selections for the best teams in college football, complete with hilariously un-P.C. (yet surprisingly thorough) recaps of their last games as well as a brief preview of their upcoming contests. Plus, we're throwing in a whole bunch of animated GIFs you can steal and post elsewhere on the 'net, because we're cool like that. Simply put, you won't get better NCAA football analysis anywhere on the Internet - and if anybody else dare claims their rankings are more authoritative, you proudly have my permission to go to their corporate offices and take a big fat stankin' shat right on their doorsteps. And with all of that out of the way, who's ready to revisit the week that was in the best kind of football there is - the one with unpaid black people without due process in rape accusations?

#01

Alabama (5-0)

Next Opponent: vs. Texas A&M (Oct. 7)

Another week, another Alabama annihilation. While the annual tilt against Ole Miss has been extremely competitive for the last three seasons, it sure as hell wasn't last Saturday, as the Tide cruised to a commanding 66-3 victory. Jalen Hurts went 12 for 19 for 197 yards and two touchdowns, then scrambled for another 101 yards and an additional rushing TD. Speaking of rushing touchdowns, Alabama scored them early and often; at the final horn, 'Bama had five scores on the ground, with a final rushing yardage differential of 365-to-88.

#02

Clemson (5-0)

Next Opponent: vs. Wake Forest (Oct. 7)

Not even the most rabid fan reaction to "Enter Sandman" since the heyday of ECW was enough to power the Hokies over the Tigers, whom succumbed to the reigning, defending National Champs 31-17 in a prime time, nationally televised in-ACC scrap. Kelly Bryant continues to impress, going 12 for 21 for 186 yards and one passing TD and rushing for another 94 yards; but give the Clemson D some credit, too, since they managed to intercept Josh Jackson twice and sack him three times.

#03

Washington (5-0)

Next Opponent: vs. California (Oct. 7)

Jake Browning excelled in Washington's 42-7 throttling of Oregon State. He went 26 for 34 for 293 yards and three passing touchdowns, and he even managed to record a scrambling TD for good measure. Top receiver Dante Pettis hauled in all three of Browning's end zone passes, concluding the game with 105 yards on 12 catches; and the Huskies' D looked outstanding, holding the Beavers to 110 yards rushing and just 74 yards passing.

#04

Georgia (5-0)

Next Opponent: vs. Vanderbilt (Oct. 7)

The Bulldogs beat the bullshit out of Tennessee over the weekend, absolutely butt-fucking the Vols 41-0 in their own house. Jake Fromm went 7 for 15 for 84 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio, yet he managed to collect two rushing TDs on seven carries. And speaking of the rushing game, the Bulldogs managed to outyard the Vols on the ground 294 to 62, with top back Nick Chubb collecting 109 yards on 16 carries. 

#05

TCU (4-0)

Next Opponent: vs. West Virginia (Oct. 7)

The Horned Frogs took a breather over the weekend and will reemerge Saturday to tangle with the Mountaineers. Averaging 497 yards a game, TCU currently has college ball's 17th ranked offense. Allowing 324 yards a game, they are ranked 29th in terms of total defense.

If you listen very carefully, you can even hear his NFL draft stock sliding.

#06

Washington State (5-0)

Next Opponent: vs. Oregon (Oct. 7)

A late fumble from Sam Darnold effectively sealed the upset for the Cougars, who triumphed over USC 30-27 last Friday night. Luke Falk went 34 for 51 for 340 yards, two touchdowns and one INT, with top receiver Renard Bell registering 101 yards off three catches. But don't sleep on Washington State's underrated run game, though; despite allowing Ronald Jones II to rack up 128 yards on the ground, the Cougars managed to soundly riposte via back Jamal Morrow, who collected one touchdown and 91 yards on six carries.

#07

Oklahoma (4-0)

Next Opponent: vs. Iowa State (Oct. 7)

The Sooners were another top ten team that took last Saturday off. Heading into this weekend's title against the Cyclones, Oklahoma has averaged 606 yards per game, making them far and away the most potent offense in Division I-A ball. On the flip side of the equation, they're allowing teams to average 333 yards of offense against 'em per showing - a stat that makes the Sooners the nation's 32nd ranked defense.

#08

Penn State (5-0)

Next Opponent: vs. Northwestern (Oct. 7)

Trace McSorely went 23 for 36 for 315 yards, two touchdowns and one INT in the Nittany Child Rape Cover-Uppers 45-14 victory over Indiana. And while Saquon Barkley had an uncharacteristically ho-hum showing on the ground (just 56 yards and no scores on 20 carries), he did get an opportunity to play quarterback on one down - which, naturally, resulted in a 16-yard TD strike for Penn State.

#09

Michigan (4-0)

Next Opponent: vs. Michigan State (Oct. 7)

The Wolverines had a bye over the weekend and will re-enter the Big-10 fray with a showdown against arch (in-state) rivals Michigan State this Saturday. Four games into the season Michigan is averaging 407 yards per game, which currently positions them as college ball's 73rd ranked offense. However, allowing just 203 yards per contest, Michigan also possesses Division I-A's second best overall defense.

#10

Wisconsin (4-0)

Next Opponent: vs. Nebraska (Oct. 7)

Despite the 33-24 win over Northwestern, Badgers' QB Alex Hornibrook had a pretty shitty showing last Saturday. He went 11 for 20 for 197 yards, one TD and two INTs, giving him a QBR of just 49.4. Thankfully for Wisconsin, the run game was much more efficient, with Jonathan Taylor recording two touchdowns and 80 yards as the Badgers outran the Wildcats by a 109-to-25 yard differential.

Forget just kneeling during the anthem - at Miami, they've decided to go full Angela Davis. 

#11

Miami (3-0)

Next Opponent: vs. Florida State (Oct. 7)

The Hurricanes drubbed ACC rvials Duke last Thursday night in a one-sided 31-6 outing. Malik Rosier went 15 for 26 for 270 yards and a two-to-one TD-to-INT ratio, in addition to racking up another 45 yards and a ground-based score running the ball. And you better believe Miami's D made life miserable for Daniel Jones, whom was intercepted once and sacked five times in the contest.

#12

San Diego State (5-0)

Next Opponent: vs. UNLV (Oct. 7)

It was a close one, but SDSU remains undefeated after besting Northern Illinois 34-28 over the weekend. Christian Chapman went 10 for 19 for 136 yards and two touchdowns, while top back Rashaad Penny recorded 107 yards on 25 carries. And while SDSU's defense did let Daniel Santacaterina collect 262 yards and three touchdown passes, they at least managed to intercept him three times and sack his ass four.

#13

South Florida (5-0)

Next Opponent: vs. Cincinnati (Oct. 14)

The Bulls coasted by Vince McMahon's alma mater in a 61-31 pummeling of East Carolina. Quinton Flowers had 160 yards and two touchdowns off 10 complete passes and racked up 93 more yards (plus a rushing score) on 10 carries. But even if they did get two interceptions off him, is it really anything to brag about when your defense lets a future insurance salesman like Thomas Sirk record 302 yards of aerial offense? 

#14

Navy (4-0)

Next Opponent: vs. Air Force (Oct. 7)

Zach Abbey (90 yards, no aerial TDs) completed three passes in Navy's 31-21 win over Tulsa - which is about par for the course, seeing as how Navy has yet to record more than four completions in a game all season long. But then again, why bother passing the rock when you can get Abbey to scramble for 185 yards and three touchdowns like he did against the Golden Hurricanes? And not that's any surprise here, but averaging an absurd 400 yards of ground offense a game, Navy currently holds the title of college ball's most productive rushing attack. 

#15

Utah (4-0)

Next Opponent: vs. Stanford (Oct. 7)

It was a close one, but the Utes nonetheless managed to prevail against Arizona in a 30-24 final. Troy Williams went 9 for 18 for 131 yards in the game, while back-up Tyler Huntley went 8 for 9 for 98 yards and one TD pass. Or wait, maybe Huntley's the starter and Williams (who also had 15 yards rushing and a scrambling TD) is the back-up - it's real easy to lose track of all this Pac-12 quarterbacking shit.

Not since James Earl Ray has anybody had as clean a shot in Memphis. Oh wait, the game was played at Central Florida, so I guess that metaphor won't work. OK, I've got it - not since Omar Mateen has anybody had as clean a shot in Orlando. There we go.

#16

Central Florida (3-0)

Next Opponent: vs. Cincinnati (Oct. 7)

UCF slapped the yellow off Memphis' teeth last Saturday, bashing the Tigers 40-13 in a game that saw the Knights intercept Riley Ferguson three times and hold Memphis' rushing attack to just 75 yards all game. Meanwhile, Central Florida's McKenzie Milton had a hell of a showing, lobbing the rock for 253 yards and three touchdowns (plus an INT) on 19 completions. And if that wasn't enough, he also racked up some pretty solid ground stats, too - 88 yards on 11 carries.

#17

UT-San Antonio (3-0)

Next Opponent: vs. Southern Mississippi (Oct. 7)

The Roadrunners rolled Texas State in Saturday's 44-14 clobberin'. UTSA's run game bested the Bobcats by an absurd 357 yard-to-37 yard margin, with top back Jalen Rhodes collecting 174 yards and two touchdowns on 15 carries. And quarterback Dalton Sturm didn't do too bad for himself, neither, finishing the game with 212 yards (but no TDs) on 17 completions.

#18

Louisville (4-1)

Next Opponent: NC State (Oct. 5)

Lamar Jackson's season-long Heisman commercial continued with Louisville's dominant 55-10 ass kicking of Murray State (I checked - its in Kentucky.) The Cardinals QB had 249 yards and three touchdowns passing the ball and he managed to accumulate another 100 yards (and another touchdown) scrambling like a motherfucker. And defensively, Louisville looked damned impressive, holding the hapless, helpless Racers (yep, that's their nickname, I checked that shit, too) to just 61 yards passing and only 19 rushing.

#19

Ohio State (4-1)

Next Opponent: vs. Maryland (Oct. 7)

Not since Don Imus took the school to task for its overabundance of "nappy headed hos" has Rutgers been so humiliated. The Buckeyes positively creamed the Scarlet Knights over the weekend, blanking 'em 56-0. J.T. Barrett had a heck of a game, going 14 for 22 for 275 yards and three touchdowns, plus running the ball 10 times for 89 more yards. And even more hilarious, Ohio State fucked them up so bad Rutgers had to run through all four of its quarterbacks, whom combined for a lackluster 92 yards and two interceptions on the day.

#20

Oklahoma State (4-1)

Next Opponent: vs. Baylor (Oct. 14)

In typical Big 12 fashion, the Cowboys survived a 41-34 shootout with Texas Tech on Saturday, with Mason Rudolph (27 for 38) collecting 376 yards and three touchdowns (plus an INT) on the day - in addition to the two extra touchdowns he got scrambling. The big factor in Oklahoma State's win was certainly the discrepancies in the run game. While the Cowboys had no problem racking up 221 total yards on the ground (top back: Justice Hill with 164 yards on 30 carries), Texas Tech couldn't do shit running the ball, finishing the outing with only 54 rushing yards.

Well, if you're looking for a reason as to why Florida won't make the SEC Championship Game this year, this 'un oughta' do it.

#21

Florida (3-1)

Next Opponent: vs. LSU (Oct. 7)

The Gators' 39-24 win against Vanderbilt is the epitome of a Pyrrhic victory. Despite picking up the W, they also lost QB Luke Del Rio for the remainder of the season, and backup Feleipe Franks (10 for 14, 185 yards) doesn't exactly have a cannon for an arm, if you catch my drift. Expect Florida to rely heavily on its run game from hereon out - which, as apparent by the performances of Malik Davis (17 carries, 124 yards, two touchdowns) and Lamical Perine (15 carries, 58 yards, three touchdowns), ain't that bad of a little backfield.

#22

Troy (4-1)

Next Opponent: vs. South Alabama (Oct. 11)

The Trojans scored one of the biggest upsets of the season last Saturday when they outlasted LSU 24-21. While Brandon Silvers' quaterbacking numbers weren't exactly Heisman-caliber (16 for 28 for 157 yards and no scores), he at least managed to scramble into the end zone for six on the board on one play (just, uh, overlook his cumulative minus 8 average on the ground.) Speaking of rushing, Jordan Chunn is a name you might want to remember - after all, he did collect 191 yards and a touchdown on 30 carries against one of college football's (historically, at least) toughest defenses, and inside their own stadium, to boot. 

#23

Notre Dame (4-1)

Next Opponent: vs. UNC (Oct. 7)

The Irish had no problem getting past Miami (of Ohio) over the weekend, blasting the RedHawks 52-17.  ND QB Brandon Wimbush went seven fro 18 for 119 yards and three scores, while the Irish collected a ground total of 333 yards and four touchdowns on the ground. Leading Notre Dame's rushing attack was Josh Adams, who finished the game with 159 yards and two touch downs on eight carries, and Deon McIntosh (12 carries, 47 yards, one TD.)

#24

Auburn (4-1)

Next Opponent: vs. Ole Miss (Oct. 7)

The Tigers put a hurtin' on Mississippi State, throttling the Bulldogs 49-10 on Saturday. Jarrett Stidham went 13 for 16 for 264 yards and two touchdowns, while Auburn's top back Kerryon Johnson racked up 116 yards and three rushing touchdowns on 23 carries. Auburn's defense was pretty good, too, collecting two sacks and two interceptions off Nick Fitzgerald, who was only allotted 157 yards by the Tigers' secondary.

#25

USC (4-1)

Next Opponent: vs. Oregon State (Oct. 7)

As shitty as the Trojans' pass defense has been all season, it was only a matter of time until the team finally got popped like an overfilled condom. And that massive cum explosion of a game occurred last Friday night, when Sammy Darnold turned the ball over late in the fourth quarter and effectively gift bagged Washington State the W. All you need to know here? USC could only muster 164 yards in the air, and their defense let the Cougars accumulate 340 passing yards. With an Achilles heel that apparent, the only real surprise here is how the Trojans have only lost one game so far this season. 

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50 Better Nicknames for Las Vegas' NHL Team

A few suggestions that certainly beat the pants off "The Golden Knights."

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo___X

I don't know if you kids are aware of it, but a few days ago the city of Las Vegas announced the official nickname and logo of their new National Hockey League franchise - the Golden Knights.

What a boring-ass name for a pro hockey team, ain't it? In a city founded by gangsters and propped up by conniving casino owners and hookers, you'd think the ownership group would've vouched for something a little bit more provocative. Even worse, their logo is pretty much the most generic looking bullshit you've ever seen - a crappy copper colored Magneto helmet with a little bit of gray stuck inside the Los Angeles Kings' shield emblem. Lazy doesn't even begin to describe it. (Oh, and if you think that is an uninspired design, you've got to see the team's secondary logo ... boy howdy, that is some pure D rubbish, right there.)

So, as we've done in the past concerning Atlanta's Major League Soccer franchise and even a few hypothetical Washington Redskins moniker substitutions, we here at The Internet Is In America took it upon ourselves to help out the new pro sports team's marketing department with a couple of suggested nicknames for the team - and while your mileage may vary on how well the titles roll off your tongue, I think we can all agree that the 50 proposed team names below are a hell of a lot cooler than the boring ass "Golden Knights," for sure...

01. The Las Vegas Bandits - How obvious would this one have been? The bandits call to mind the general badassery of Nevada's frontier days plus it doubles as an allusion to the city's gambling industry - you know, all of those "one-armed bandits" and whatnot. Shit, they just could've taken the old Skoal Bandit insignia, PhotoShopped a hockey stick or two in there and it automatically would've been one of the five best logos in the NHL. 

02. The Las Vegas Rollers - Same deal as with the Bandits - it's a dual meaning kind of thing. On one hand it refers to literal steam rollers (you know, with Vegas being a hotbed for real estate development) and on the other, a reference to the "high rollers" whose compulsive, DSM-certified mental illnesses have kept the city's lights on for the better part of a century. 

03. The Las Vegas Gamblers - A bit blunt, but it works. As a bonus, all they'd have to do is slightly retool this old USFL logo and they'd be good to go. Plus, the team's fight song pretty much plays itself, don't it?

04. The Las Vegas Pimps - There's already pro sports teams named after things that kill people, like Vikings, Raiders and Hurricanes, so why not name the team after your city's most unique and idiosyncratic economic contributor? 

05. The Las Vegas Locos - Another double meaning namesake, referencing both the locomotives that used to roar through the desert and the ever-growing number of gang members in the Vegas M.S.A. An added bonus: there's already a pre-existing logo and jersey you can borrow from the recently deceased UFL.

06. The Las Vegas Outlaws - Huh. It's such an obvious choice, that I could've sworn there was at least one other pro sports team that used the namesake for awhile...

07. The Las Vegas Gladiators - I mean, a lot of the architecture in Vegas is inspired by ancient Rome, and there's a lot of big time professional fights that go down there all the time. If any city deserves the fairly anachronistic nickname, it's gotta' be Sin City.

08. The Las Vegas Dealers - Yeah, the dual meaning on this one ought to be obvious to anyone with a working set of peepers.

09. The Las Vegas Gangsters - If only because it gives you an excuse to refer to T-Mobile Arena as "Gangster's Paradise."

10. The Las Vegas Card Cheats - A little unwieldy, but it has a nice ring to it after you say it to yourself a couple of times. "The L.V.C.C." rolls of the tongue way smoother than it probably should.

11. The Las Vegas Kitsch - The gaudiest city in North America not named Orlando is certainly deserving of such a title. 

12. The Las Vegas Silver Knights - Shit, if you're going to call the team something as generic as the "Knights," at least throw in the right adjective - y'know, with Nevada being the "Silver State" and all. 

13. The Las Vegas Desert Tortoises - It's their state reptile, in case you were wondering.

14. The Las Vegas Bighorns - Because the bighorn sheep is the official state mammal or something, and it also alludes to the fact that the players have larger than average sized penises.

15. The Las Vegas Brawlers - You know, since there are so many professional boxing and MMA fights going on there all the time.

16. The Las Vegas Showmen - It's a city whose unofficial cultural representatives are two dudes who were sequins and do fruity things with tigers - the namesake more than explains itself.

17. The Las Vegas Elvises - ...this one goes without saying.

18. The Las Vegas Niggies - A tribute, of course, to the puppy who helped build the Hoover Dam.

19. The Las Vegas Cock-N-Bulls - A loving ode to the memory of the city's most famous scumbag restaurant/even scummier makeshift casino hybrid.

20. The Las Vegas Mushroom Clouds - Because the wasteland 65 miles to the north of Vegas is still an irradiated hellscape.

21. The Las Vegas Steel Popeyes - Who says Vegas has a reputation for gaudy, needlessly extravagant kitsch?

22. The Las Vegas Morbidly Obese - You know a city has some remarkable lardos when its restaurants allow people who weigh in excess of 350 pounds to eat there for free. 

23. The Las Vegas Lasers - If your city can lay claim to something like this, you might as well use your pro sports platform to promote it.

24. The Las Vegas Machine Guns - Because there are at least half a dozen more "pay money to shoot Call of Duty weaponry" businesses in town than anywhere else in America.

25. The Las Vegas Neon Cowboys - Jerry Jones would probably never allow it, but it would be cool if he did.

26. The Las Vegas Desperadoes - Because the Queen of Hearts remains your best bet, kids.

27. The Las Vegas Pharoahs - A nice, nondescript nickname that plays on Las Vegas' architectural appropriation while at the same time conveying a transcultural sense of power and nobility. 

28. The Las Vegas Emperors - ...and another one.

29. The Las Vegas Romans - ...and one more, just in case you like having your options open.

30. The Las Vegas Prospectors - Because I'm pretty sure Nevada had a gold rush or a silver rush or some other kind of rush at one point in time.

31. The Las Vegas Great Whites - Because there's a hotel there that'll let you slide into a heated pool filled with live, honest to goodness sharks. No. Fucking. Bullshit.

32. The Las Vegas Street Performers - A surprisingly dangerous breed - especially the ones that dress up like Harley Quinn and murder cops at CiCi's Pizza. 

33.  The Las Vegas Slashers - An homage, of course, to the city's finest contribution to world cinema. 

34. The Las Vegas No-Lottos - Because the fact the gambling capital of the world doesn't have an official state lottery is one of those weird-ass Freakonomics facts too good to pass up.

35. The Las Vegas Vagrants - Named after the considerably high number of locals who live in sewers like Ninja Turtles.

36. The Las Vegas Artistes - Because there is a lot of artsy-fartsy performance theater bullshit in town. I mean, a lot. 

37. The Las Vegas Whorehoppers - The Vikings of yore were well known for raping and pillaging - at least with a team name like the "Whorehoppers," you know it's all consensual.

38. The Las Vegas Step-Daddies - Because they'll beat you silly and fuck your mama afterwards.

39. The Las Vegas Rattlers - Nevada. Desert. Poisonous snakes. It just makes too much damned sense, really. 

40. The Las Vegas Scorpions - Well, the Nevada desert is crawling with them, but mostly, it's because I want to watch hockey with "The Zoo" and "Wind of Change" playing on the stadium P.A., just as God intended it. 

41. The Las Vegas Lassos - You know, 'cause of the Wild West theme and alliterations and all that shit.

42. The Las Vegas Lintlickers - I'm not sure what it means, exactly, but it's probably not something nice. 

43. The Las Vegas Vegans - Truly, the worst company any of us can keep.

44. The Las Vegas Varmints - Maybe they can pay Warner Bros. for the rights to use Yosemite Sam as their mascot?

45. The Las Vegas Vegas - We all know "handsome fighters never lose," but does the same principle apply to hockey players?

46. The Las Vegas Loaded Dice - Who among us hasn't wanted to yell "snake eyes, motherfucker" at the top of our lungs during a sporting event?

47. The Las Vegas Losers - Because the house always wins, you know. (Seriously though, they should go ahead and trademark that shit so they can blare it on-screen after every victory.)

48. The Las Vegas Nevadans - It's certainly no worse than calling a team the "Houston Texans," I suppose.

49. The Las Vegas Lunatics - How else do you describe locals who shoot random women on the Interstate and follow it up by trying to rape CVS employees at gunpoint?

50. The Las Vegas Raiders - Because there's going to be a pro sports team with that very namesake, sooner or later...

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