2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week 15!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

This Week's Episode:

"I Can Smell The Finish Line From Here..."

THE ELITES

#01

Philadelphia Eagles (12-2)

Season Point Differential: +159

It was a close one, but Nick Foles (24 for 38 for 237 yards, 4 TDs) and company managed to outlast the Giants 34-29 over the weekend. The win officially grants the Eagles not only the NFC East crown, but guarantees them a first round bye in the postseason, to boot. Alas, one has to wonder about Philly's secondary heading down the stretch - I mean, they DID let Eli Manning torch 'em for 434 passing yards.

#02

New England Patriots (11-3)

Season Point Differential: +121

With a last second interception off Big Ben's already infamous fake spike attempt, the Patriots managed to outlast the Steelers on the road Sunday. In the 27-24 win, Tom Brady went 22 for 35 for 298 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio, with Gronk collecting 168 yards off nine catches. Not surprisingly, the Patriots' rushing attack couldn't hold water against Pittsburgh's backfield, as Le'Veon Bell (117 yards and one TD on 24 carries) managed to outrush the entire New England running back committee by 40 yards.

#03

Minnesota Vikings (11-3)

Season Point Differential: +101

With a 34-7 mudhole stompin' of the Bengals, the Vikes officially locked up the NFC North title over the weekend. The outstanding play of Case Keenum and Latavius Murray continued, with the former going 20 for 23 for 236 yards and two touchdowns and the latter collecting 76 yards and one TD on 20 carries. Also looking fantastic in the outing was receiver Jerrick McKinnon, who wrapped up the contest with 114 yards on seven hauls.

#04

Pittsburgh Steelers (11-3)

Season Point Differential: +66

After apparently securing a go-ahead TD late in the fourth, an overturned touchdown call resulted in Big Ben trying to pull a fast one on the Patriots. Alas, his fake spike cum end zone zip didn't turn out the way he expected, and the Pats managed to pick off the pigskin to win the whole kit and caboodle 27-24. Regardless, Big Ben had an otherwise decent statistical showing, going 22 for 30 for 281 yards, two touchdowns and one INT, with JuJu Smith-Schuster collecting 114 yards off six catches.

#05

Los Angeles Rams (10-4)

Season Point Differential: +166

The Rams DESTROYED NFC West rivals Seattle on Sunday, pummeling the Seahawks 42-7 on the road. Jared Goff went 14 for 21 and 120 yards in the outing, ultimately launching two touchdowns and one interception, but the big story was L.A.'s rushing offense. In total, the Rams' ground gain outgained Seattle's rushers by an astounding 244 yard to 78 yard margin, with Todd Gurley scoring three touchdowns and collecting 152 yards on 21 carries.

#06

Jacksonville Jaguars (10-4)

Season Point Differential: +165

With Sunday's 45-7 demolition of the Texans, the Jaguars secure their first postseason berth since 2007. Blake Bortles had an outstanding outing, going 21 for 29 for 326 yards and three touchdowns, with Keelan Cole collecting 187 yards and one score off seven receptions. Jacksonville's rushing attack also looked pretty good, combining for 138 yards and three touchdowns on 38 cumulative carries.

#07

New Orleans Saints (10-4)

Season Point Differential: +119

Drew Brees went 26 for 36 for 285 yards, two touchdowns and one INT in Sunday's 31-19 win over the Jets, with Michael Thomas reeling in a solo score and 93 yards on nine catches. Back Mark Ingram had a solid showing, too, finishing the game with 74 yards and two touchdowns on 12 carries - this, in addition to the extra 77 yards he chalked up as a receiver.

#08

Carolina Panthers (10-4)

Season Point Differential: +45

Cam Newton and pals rained on Aaron Rodgers' big comeback game, besting the Packers 31-24 in a good 'un. Speaking of Newton, he had one of his best performances of the year Sunday, going 20 for 31 for 242 yards and FOUR touchdown passes. Oh, and he also ran the rock for another 58 yards, because if the other team's front four allows it, why not?

When are teams going to learn to NOT pass the ball against the Pats when they're THAT close to the end zone?

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

#09

Atlanta Falcons (9-5)

Season Point Differential: +36

A schtoinked field goal from Tampa Bay in the waning moments of the fourth quarter gift bagged the Falcons a pivotal 24-21 divisional victory Monday night. Matt Ryan (17 for 31, 212 yards, one TD) looked alright, but the real x-factor for Atlanta's win was its rushing game - more specifically, back Devonta Freeman who wrapped up the game with 126 yards and one TD on 22 carries.

#10

Baltimore Ravens (8-6)

Season Point Differential: +89

Unsurprisingly, the Ravens made short work of the hapless, helpless Browns, beating Cleveland 27-10 over the weekend. Joe Flacco went 26 for 42 for 288 yards and one TD, with Mike Wallace (no, not the dude from 60 Minutes) collecting 89 yards on six catches. And despite scoring no touchdowns, back Javorius Allen had a pretty good showing, finishing the outing with 70 yards on 13 carries.

#11

Kansas City Chiefs (8-6)

Season Point Differential: +57

The Chiefs made it two wins in a row with Sunday's 30-13 win over the Chargers - one more victory and K.C. locks up the AFC West, regardless if the Chargers win their remaining two games. Anyhoo, both Alex Smith and Kareem Hunt looked good in the weekend's win; Smith went 23 for 30 for 231 yards and two touchdowns, while Hunt collected 155 yards and one score running the rock 24 times. Oh, and Hunt also had another 51 yards - plus another touchdown - as a receiver; think he's done enough to secure this season's offensive rookie of the year honors?

#12

Seattle Seahawks (8-6)

Season Point Differential: +27

The Seahawks royally shit the bed in Sunday's homestand, falling to the Rams 42-7. Russell Wilson went 14 for 30 for 142 yards and one touchdown in the losing bid, with Seattle's backfield combining for 78 rushing yards - which was barely half the amount of rushing yardage Todd Gurley managed to accumulate against them in his three touchdown day. The loss definitely puts some pressure on Seattle - indeed, their showdown against Dallas this Sunday is pretty much a must win game if they want to have any chance of making the playoffs.

#13

Dallas Cowboys (8-6)

Season Point Differential: +25

The MVP for the Cowboys in Sunday night's 20-17 win over the Raiders? A folded up piece of notebook paper the refs used to measure a crucial fourth down late in the fourth quarter - which gave Dallas what has to be the narrowest first down in NFL history. Oh, and in case you were wondering, Dak Prescott had a pretty crappy game, going 18 for 27 for 212 yards, zero touchdowns and two interceptions ... both of which landed in the arms of Raiders' cornerback Sean Smith.

#14

Detroit Lions (8-6)

Season Point Differential: +19

Matt Stafford went 25 for 33 for 237 yards and two touchdown passes in the Lions' 20-10 win over Chicago Sunday. The victory keeps the playoffs aspirations of Detroit alive for at least another week - and with two very winnable games against the Bengals and Packers remaining on the docket, there's at least a 50/50 chance the Lions will wrap up their campaign 10-6. The question now is, in a hyper-competitive race for the sixth and final NFC playoff slot, will 10-6 be good enough to cut it?

#15

Tennessee Titans (8-6)

Season Point Differential: -23

The Titans lost a close one to the Niners over the weekend, 25-23. Marcus Mariota went 23 for 33 for 241 yards and two touchdowns, with top receiver Rishard Matthews racking up 85 yards and one score on six catches. Alas, the secondary just collapsed against Jimmy Garoppolo's dazzling aerial attack, allowing San Fran to accumulate 381 yards in the air.

#16

Buffalo Bills (8-6)

Season Point Differential: -42

Buffalo bolstered their wildcard playoff chances with a 24-16 win over the Dolphins on Sunday. T-Mobile went 17 for 29 for 224 yards and one TD pass in the victory, racking up another 42 yards and an additional score running the rock. And the defense made life miserable for Jay Cutler all day long, sacking him thrice, intercepting him thrice and hitting him after the pass five times.

Yeah - this pretty much sums up the Raiders' 2017 season.

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

#17

Los Angeles Chargers (7-7)

Season Point Differential: +56

Sunday's 30-13 loss to the Chiefs doesn't necessarily make it impossible for L.A. to win the AFC West (or lock up a playoff spot, for that matter) but it's pretty much a given that they're gonna' have to run the table to even think about sniffing the postseason. In case you missed it, Phil Rivers had one of his worst performances of the year in the defeat, going 20 for 36 for 227 yards, one TD and three interceptions - including two lobbed into the arms of Marcus Peters, who had 74 total yards as an unintentional Rivers' target.

#18

Green Bay Packers (7-7)

Season Point Differential: -24

Aaron Rodgers fell short in his return game, succumbing to the Panthers 31-24. A-Rod went 26 for 45 in the losing effort, ultimately tossing three touchdowns - and three interceptions, to boot. And oddly enough, Rodgers - with 43 yards on the ground - was just four yards short of being Green Bay's most productive rusher on the day.

#19

Oakland Raiders (6-8)

Season Point Differential: -43

The Raiders' 20-17 home loss to Dallas Sunday night pretty much ended their season. Derek Carr went 21 for 38 for 171 yards and two touchdown passes, but he cost his team the come-from-behind victory when he tried to dive for a pylon-assisted score ... only to fumble the pigskin, watch it roll out of the end zone and give the Cowboys a touchback and all the time in the world to run out the clock. And as always, if you're a morose sort you can always check out our LIVE play-by-play coverage of the debacle - you sick, sick individuals, you.

#20

Washington Redskins (6-8)

Season Point Differential: -54

Kirk Cousins went 18 for 26 for 196 yards and two touchdown passes in Washington's 20-15 win over Arizona Sunday. Remarkably, the Redskins were able to pull out the W despite being outgained on the ground by the Cardinals 141 yards to 31. I guess that tells you all you need to know about the importance of rushing in today's NFL product, no?

#21

Miami Dolphins (6-8)

Season Point Differential: -90

The Fins came up short Sunday against the Bills, dropping a fairly competitive one 24-16. Jay Cutler went 28 for 46 for 274 yards in the losing effort - which sounds pretty good, up until you remember he threw zero touchdown passes and three INTs. Oh, and the nigga somehow managed to fumble the ball FOUR TIMES, although by some great cosmological fluke, none of them were recovered by Buffalo.

#22

Arizona Cardinals (6-8)

Season Point Differential: -91

In a 20-15 loss to the Redskins over the weekend, THE BLAINE GABBERT went 16 for 41 for 189 yards, zero touchdown passes and one interception. But really, you can scale back his overall production to just 145, considering the five times he was sacked for negative 44 yards. And if that wasn't bad enough, Gabbert also managed to fumble the ball three times, with one of them resulting in a crucial turnover.

#23

New York Jets (5-9)

Season Point Differential: -57

Backup-backup Bryce Petty underwhelmed in the Jets' 31-19 loss to the Saints Sunday, going 19 for 39 for 179 yards, one TD and two interceptions. Bilal Powell had 44 yards and a touchdown on 13 carries and receiver Elijah McGuire hauled in a score in his 48-yard day, but beyond that? Yeah, this offense didn't do much of anything. 

#24

Cincinnati Bengals (5-9)

Season Point Differential: -72

As evident by the 34-7 final score, the Bengals didn't get a whole lot accomplished in their loss to the Vikings Sunday. Andy Dalton went 11 for 22 in the losing bid, for 113 yards, zero touchdowns and two interceptions, while Cincinnati's running backs attack could only muster 46 yards and one TD on 20 combined carries. Meanwhile, Cincy's defense let the Vikes outrush them to the tune of 124 yards on the ground - with Latavius Murray all by his lonesome outproducing the Bengals' rushing total by 30 yards.

So do you fucks STILL want Colin K. back on the roster now?

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

#25

Denver Broncos (5-9)

Season Point Differential: -74

The Broncos thumped the Colts 25-13 last Thursday in a game that saw Trevor Siemian go 5 for 9 for 67 yards and one interception before getting yanked in favor of Brock Osweiler. Os did a little bit better under center for Denver, finishing the contest 12 for 17 for 194 yards and two touchdown passes - plus another rushing score. Also notable? The Broncos rushing attack (led by C.J. Anderson with 158 yards on the day) outpaced Indy on the ground by an absurd 213 yard to 70 yard differential.

#26

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-10)

Season Point Differential: -51

The Bucs kept it close, but some special teams snafus late in the fourth cost them Monday night's tilt against Atlanta. In the 24-21 loss, Jameis Winston had a hell of a showing, going 27 for 35 for 299 yards and three touchdowns. Alas, some cruddy play in the first half - especially a costly fumble in their own end zone in the second quarter - made sure Tampa Bay would never gain ground on their NFC South rivals.

#27

Chicago Bears (4-10)

Season Point Differential: -60

The Bears came up short against the Lions over the weekend, falling 20-10 to Detroit. Mitch "The Bitch" Trubiksy went 31 for 46, 314 yards and one TD pass - plus three interceptions. Oh well, at least Chicago's defense played fairly well in the double-digit loss - after all, the Bears' defense DID manage to sack Matt Stafford four times for negative 35 yards, didn't they?

#28

Houston Texans (4-10)

Season Point Differential: -61

No, the Texans did not look too swell in their 45-7 loss to the Jaguars Sunday. T.J. Yates went 12 for 31 for 128 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio, while Houston's backfield  managed to collect 87 yards on 21 combined carries. Alas, T.J. - filling in for the brain-rattled Tom Savage, who probably thinks he's Batman right about now - fared a little bit better against the Jags' ferocious defense than anticipated: over the weekend, they only managed to sack him four times for minus 29 yards.

#29

San Francisco 49ers (4-10)

Season Point Differential: -84

Sunday's 25-23 win over Tennessee makes it three wins in a row for the Niners, who are UNDEFEATED with Jimmy Garoppolo under center. Speaking of Jimmy G., he had a hell of a game over the weekend, going 31 for 43 for 381 yards and one TD pass. Of course, he also got sacked three times and hit after the pass five more times, but hey - nobody said it wouldn't be awhile before those pesky O-line problems are remedied. 

#30

Indianapolis Colts (3-11)

Season Point Differential: -143

Jacoby "Whisker Biscuit" Brissett had an off night last Thursday in the Colts' 25-13 loss to Denver. The ex-Pat went 17 for 30 in the losing bid, ultimately chalking up 158 yards but no touchdown passes. However, he did manage to muster one rushing TD in the contest - and with 18 scrambling yards on the day, he was Indy's second most productive runner during the affair.

#31

New York Giants (2-12)

Season Point Differential: -127

Even with Eli Manning going 37 for 57 for 434 yards and three touchdown passes, the Giants still came up short against the Eagles Sunday. In the 34-29 loss, Sterling Shepherd had 11 completions, 139 yards and one TD haul, while Tavarres King collected two touchdowns and 70 yards off his only two catches of the day. Alas, the team couldn't do shit in the fourth quarter, collecting a meager 76 yards and zero points in the final 15 minutes of the contest.

#32

Cleveland Browns (0-14)

Season Point Differential: -155

And with Sunday's 27-10 loss to the Ravens, Cleveland is now just two defeats away from completing their perfect season. DeShone Kizer's stats over the weekend were pretty much what you'd expect - 20 for 37 for 146 yards, zero touchdowns, two interceptions - and common sense would dictate he probably won't be starting for the Browns come opening day 2018. Hell, it's not even a lock he'll get the start against the Bears this Sunday, if we're gonna' be honest with ourselves ... 

Read More

2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week 14!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

This Week's Episode:

"It's All Over But the Cryin'"

THE ELITES

#01

Philadelphia Eagles (11-2)

Season Point Differential: +154

Oh, goodness. Although the Eagles secured the 43-35 victory over the Rams (in what might be the most thrilling regular season game all year long), they lost something much more important went Carson Wentz (23 for 41, 291 yards, 4 TDs, 1 INT) exited the game with a torn ACL - an injury that will sideline him for the remainder of the season and postseason. Which, naturally, gives us the million dollar question: can backup QB Nick Foles play this generation's Jeff Hostetler, or are the high-flying Eagles destined to get poached come the first week of January?

#02

Pittsburgh Steelers (11-2)

Season Point Differential: +69

It came down to the wire, but the Steelers nonetheless managed to stave off Baltimore 39-38 thanks to Chris Boswell's 46-yard field goal with 42 seconds left on the clock. The victory officially gives the Steelers this year's AFC North crown - and with the Pats getting upset by the Dolphins, at least a week-long stay atop the very apex of the AFC standings. And hey, what do you know - the Pats just so happen to be visiting Pittsburgh this weekend. What are the odds, huh?

#03

New England Patriots (10-3)

Season Point Differential: +118

Tom Brady went 24 for 43 for 233 yards, one touchdown and TWO interceptions in the Patriots' upset loss against the Dolphins last Monday night. Even worse, they could only muster a piss poor 25 rushing yards all game, while their defense allowed Miami to rack up 120 yards on the ground and let Jay freakin' Cutler torch 'em for 263 yards and three scores. And even more amazing, the Pats went an astounding 0-11 on third down conversions - and nope, I have no explanation for that one, neither.

#04

Minnesota Vikings (10-3)

Season Point Differential: +74

Case Keenum (27 for 44, 280 yards) went 2-and-2 on TDs-to-INTs, as his Vikes succumbed to the Panthers 31-24 Sunday. Once again, Adam Thielen had a hell of a game, wrapping up the contest with 105 yards and one touchdown on six receptions, but a good goddamn did Minnesota hunch the proverbial pooch when it came to the run game. They let Carolina outpace them on the ground 216 yards to 100 - with back Jonathan Stewart torching 'em for no less than three touchdowns.

#05

Los Angeles Rams (9-4)

Season Point Differential: +131

With ten minutes to go in the fourth, the Rams held a narrow 35-34 lead over the Eagles. Alas, a 33 yard field goal from Jake Elliot gave Philly the two-point pad, and Brandon Graham's 16-yard fumble recovery for a TD officially put the game away. Still, the tandem of Jared Goff and Todd Gurley looked pretty good - the former finished the game with 199 yards and two touchdown passes while the latter wrapped up the game with 96 yards and two end zone visitations.

#06

Jacksonville Jaguars (9-4)

Season Point Differential: +127

The Jaguars held on to win a close one against the Seahawks Sunday, just narrowly escaping the home stand with a 30-24 victory. Blake Bortles went 18 for 27 for 268 yards, two touchdown passes and no interceptions, as no-name receivers Keenan Cole and Dede Westbrook combined for 180 yards and two touchdowns apiece. And of course, Leonard Fournette turned in another strong showing, carrying the rock 24 times for 101 yards and one touchdown run.

#07

New Orleans Saints (9-4)

Season Point Differential: +107

Drew Brees (26 for 35, 271 yards, two touchdowns) made a valiant comeback attempt, but ultimately his only interception of the game - lobbed into the arms of Deion Jones with less than 90 seconds left in regulation - wound up costing New Orleans the W against Atlanta last Thursday night. Another intriguing side note for 20-17 loss was the rushing game discrepancies; while Atlanta easily posted 132 on the ground, the Saints struggled to accumulate just 50 yards running the rock. 

#08

Carolina Panthers (9-4)

Season Point Differential: +38

Cam Newton (13 for 25, 137 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT, plus 70 rushing yards) had a pretty forgettable day, but running back Jonathan Stewart sure didn't last Sunday against Minnesota. At the final horn he had 103 yards and THREE touchdowns off 16 carries, including the game-winning, one-yard saunter that broke a 24-24 deadlock with less than two minutes in the fourth quarter. Also looking pretty sharp for the Panthers? Receiver Devin Funchess, who wrapped up the game with 59 yards and a TD on three hauls.

Well, if you're gonna get ejected from a football game, you might as well try to fist fight 50 people before you head back to the showers.

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

#09
Seattle Seahawks (8-5)

Season Point Differential: +62

Well, there's some good news about Russell Wilson stemming from last Sunday's 30-24 loss to the Jags, and there's some bad news. The good news is that he had 271 passing yards on the day and three aerial touchdowns, in addition to 50 yards he collected with his cleats. The bad news? He also lobbed three interceptions in the losing bid, including two inadvertent completions to defender A.J. Bouye. 

#10

Atlanta Falcons (8-5)

Season Point Differential: +33

The Falcons chalked up a huge, potentially season-salvaging win Thursday night, besting arch-rivals New Orleans 20-17. Oddly enough, Atlanta managed to win the contest even with Matt Ryan turning in one of his worst performances of the season: he went 15 for 27 for 221 yards, one TD pass and three interceptions. Thank goodness they had Devonta Freeman (91 yards, one TD, 24 carries) around to bail out the sagging aerial offense, huh?

#11

Tennessee Titans (8-5)

Season Point Differential: -21

Marcus Mariota played like utter doo-doo in the Titans' 12-7 loss to the Cardinals Sunday. The former Oregon standout went 16 for 31 for 159 yards, zero TDs and two interceptions, in addition to getting sacked thrice for negative 20 yards. Tennessee's rushing game - on both sides of the ball - also underwhelmed, posting 65 yards themselves while allowing Arizona to trample 'em for 136 yards by game's end.

#12

Los Angeles Chargers (7-6)

Season Point Differential: +73

Not since Wounded Knee have the Redskins been so overwhelmed. In a fairly facile 30-13 win, Phil Rivers went 18 for 31 for 319 yards and two TD passes, with both Keenan Allen and Tyrell Williams posting reception yards north of 100. And Melvin Gordon looked fantastic setting the running game tempo, finishing the outing with 78 yards and one score on 22 touches.

#13

Baltimore Ravens (7-6)

Season Point Differential: +72

Talk about a bitter loss - not only did the Ravens piss away a 38-29 lead with less than six minutes in the fourth quarter, they ultimately allowed Pittsburgh to post ten more unanswered points en route to a come from behind 39-38 win last Sunday night. Joe Flacco (20 for 35, 269 yards, two TDs, one INT) looked decent enough, I suppose, but hoo-boy, does the Raven's pass defense suck the biggest of ding-dongs - shit, if they're gonna' let the fragments of what once was Big Ben roast 'em for 506 yards, just imagine what Tom Brady or Drew Brees could do to them?

#14

Kansas City Chiefs (7-6)

Season Point Differential: +40

The Chiefs got their first win in literally a month Sunday, besting their arch rivals Oakland 26-15 at home. Alex Smith went 20 for 34 for 268 yards, no touchdowns and one interception, with Tyreek Hill and Travis Kelce combining for almost 150 yards as receivers. And Kareem Hunt had his best showing since early October, wrapping up the contest with 116 yards and one end zone visit on 25 carries.

#15

Dallas Cowboys (7-6)

Season Point Differential: +22

Although the Eagles have the NFC East locked up, that doesn't mean the Cowboys can't make a mad dash into the postseason. That's evident by the team's 30-10 win over the Giants, in which Dak Prescott went 20 for 30 for 332 yards and three touchdown strikes. And even without Ezekiel Elliot in the backfield, Dallas still managed to post some pretty solid ground numbers, as Alfred Morris and Rod Smith tag-teamed it for about 100 yards (and Smith, by the way, also led all receivers in the game, with 113 yards and a score off five receptions.)

#16

Detroit Lions (7-6)

Season Point Differential: +9

It wasn't easy, but the Lions still squeaked past the Bucs last Sunday, 24-21. Matt Stafford went balls out lobbing the rock, ultimately wrapping up the affair 36 for 44 for 381 yards, one TD and two interceptions. If you gotta' give it to somebody, I'd suggest giving the game ball to running back Theo Riddick - not only did he muster 64 yards on six receptions, his two rushing touchdowns on 10 carries for 29 yards pretty much kept Detroit out of upset mode.

It's so nice to see the Buffalo Bills temporarily relishing the opportunity to forget they're the Buffalo Bills ...

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

#17

Green Bay Packers (7-6)

Season Point Differential: -17

Believe it or not, the Browns managed to take Green Bay to overtime over the weekend - where Brett Hundley's 25-yard zip to Davante Adams sealed the 27-21 victory in extra innings. Despite Brett Hundley racking up 265 yards and three touchdowns, we've more than likely seen the last of him in yellow and green - I mean, Aaron Rodgers is expected to return to action this Sunday.

#18

Buffalo Bills (7-6)

Season Point Differential: -50

The Bills kept their longshot playoffs aspirations alive with Sunday's 13-7 win over the Colts - which just so happened to transpire during the middle of a freaking blizzard. Obviously, passing yardage was at a premium in the contest, but you HAVE to give props to back LeSean McCoy, who pretty much was the Bills' offense, collecting 156 yards and one touchdown on 32 carries. And in case you were wondering - yes, Nathan Peterman did somehow manage to lob one TD pass in the game. Like I said ... somehow.

#19

Oakland Raiders (6-7)

Season Point Differential: -40

The Raiders did Jack Shit for three quarters against the Chiefs Sunday, but they almost had the mad comeback completed before a deflection off Johny Holton resulted in a game-closing INT for the Chiefs. In the 26-15 loss, Derek Carr went 24 for 41 for 211 yards, one TD and two interceptions, with Jared Cook leading the receivers corps with 75 yards on five catches. And, as always, you can relive the misery and dejection of the defeat anytime you want right here - you sick, callous motherfucker, you.

#20

Miami Dolphins (6-7)

Season Point Differential: -82

It only took, I don't know, ten or so years, but Jay Cutler FINALLY got a win over the Patriots Sunday night. The Dolphins QB lobbed three touchdown passes in the 27-20 win, with Kenyan Drake collecting 79 yards on five receptions plus another 114 yards running the rock. And for the rest of his goddamn life Xavien Howard is going to be telling everybody about that time he intercepted Tom Brady twice in the same game - and rightfully so.

#21 

Arizona Cardinals (6-7)

Season Point Differential: -86

The Cardinals secured a pretty big upset win against the Titans Sunday, besting Tennessee 12-7 in a game that was about as exciting as watching grass dry. With A.P. out of action, Kerwynn Williams did a pretty decent job carrying the run game (73 yards on 20 carries), but holy hell, did THE BLAINE GABBERT have a nightmare of a game. Sure, he did go 17 for 26 for 178 yards, but he also got sacked EIGHT times for a cumulative minus 53 yards. All I can say is that motherfucker must be guzzling the Goody's headache powder right about now ...

#22

New York Jets (5-8)

Season Point Differential: -45

As evident by the 23-0 final score, the Jets didn't even bother showing up for their road game against the Broncos. And no, that isn't just artistic hyperbole, these motherfuckers didn't do anything on offense. At the final horn, N.Y. posted just 59 yards running the ball and an even more pathetic 41 yards passing the pigskin - shit, are we sure that wasn't the Giants cosplaying as the Jets over the weekend?

#23

Cincinnati Bengals (5-8)

Season Point Differential: -45

The Bengals pretty much eliminated themselves from postseason contention when they got drubbed 33-7 by the Bears Sunday. Andy Dalton had a ho-hum day (14 for 29 for 141 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio) and backup QB AJ McCarron hardly played any better, finishing the game 4 for 8 for 47 yards. At least back Giovani Benard had a decent showing in his team's otherwise miserable performance - he had 62 yards on 11 carries and 68 yards as a receiver.

#24

Washington Redskins (5-8)

Season Point Differential: -59

The Redskins just couldn't get anything going against the Chargers Sunday. In a 30-13 loss, Kirk Cousins could only muster a disappointing 151 yards on 15 completions, which came with a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio. And the running game just flat out sucked; at the final horn, Washington had just 65 yards on the ground, while their defense allowed the Chargers to stomp all over 'em to the tune of 174 yards.

Note to Tom Savage's kids: this is why scientists will end up taking your daddy's brains when he dies.

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

#25

Houston Texans (4-9)

Season Point Differential: -23

Pretty much the only thing Sunday's 26-16 loss to the Niners will be remembered for is the vicious hit that had Tom Savage LITERALLY knocked retarded for a couple of seconds. As in, he was making the little special ed claw with his hands and everything. Alas, the NFL being the stewards of safety they are, allowed Savage to exit concussion protocol and re-enter the game just two plays later. Hope the Savage brood saved a copy of the game to their DVR - something tells me you'll be needing it for the inevitable wrongful death suit you'll be filing in 20 years' time.

#26

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-9)

Season Point Differential: -48

Down 21-7 entering the fourth quarter, Tampa Bay nonetheless managed to tie the game by the time the clock hit 8:05. Alas, Detroit still managed to notch a game-winning 46-yard field goal with only 20 seconds left in regulation, thus ensuring T.B. would fall 24-21. Oh well - at least Jameis Winston looked fairly decent, going 26 for 38 for 285 yards, two touchdowns and two interceptions.

#27

Chicago Bears (4-9)

Season Point Differential: -50

The Bears turned in their best performance of the season Sunday, throttling the Bengals 33-7 on the road. Mitch "The Bitch" Trubisky went 25 for 32 for 271 yards and one TD pass, with Kendall Wright wrapping up the game with 107 yards on ten receptions. And Jordan Howard ruled the gridiron, collecting two touchdowns and 147 yards on 23 carries.

#28

Denver Broncos (4-9)

Season Point Differential: -86

The Broncos finally got to experience what "not losing" feels like after besting the Jets 23-0 over the weekend. Trevor Siemian went 19 for 31 for 200 yards, one touchdown and no interceptions, with receiver Demaryius Thomas wrapping up the game with 93 yards and one end zone visit on eight catches. And the defense, obviously, came up big time, holding the Jets to just 100 yards of total offense all game long.

#29

San Francisco 49ers (3-10)

Season Point Differential: -86

The Niners' win late season win streak continued with Sunday's 26-16 victory over the Texans. Jimmy Garoppolo went 20 for 33 for 334 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio, with Marquise Goodwin hauling in six catches for 106 yards and one end zone trip. And Carlos Hyde looked quite solid as well, finishing the outing with 78 yards and a score on 14 carries.

#30

Indianapolis Colts (3-10)

Season Point Differential: -113

In a snow-blanketed road trip, the Colts ultimately succumbed to the Bills 13-7 Sunday. Jacoby "Whisker Biscuit" Brissett went 11 for 22 for 69 yards and one TD pass, while Frank Gore carried the rock for 130 yards on 36 carries. And for those of you who STILL hold a grudge against the 2001-2002 Patriots, you'll be happy to know that Adam Vinatieri schtoinked both his field goal attempts in the contest.

#31

New York Giants (2-11)

Season Point Differential: -122

No, the Giants didn't really play any better with Eli Manning back under center. After letting Geno Smith fuck things up last week, the Last Remaining Manning went 31 for 46 for 228 yards, one TD and two interceptions in a 30-10 loss to the Cowboys. Unsurprisingly, the G-Men's rushing attack was anything but inspired; Wayne Gallman led the running back committee with 59 yards on 12 carries - with zero touchdowns, naturally.

#32

Cleveland Browns (0-13)

Season Point Differential: -138

Although Cleveland played well enough to take last Sunday's game against Green Bay to O.T., of course they'd naturally fuck up and drop the contest 27-21. This, after heading into the fourth quarter with a 21-7 lead - which they squandered in the final 15 minute of play and ultimately relinquished via a terrible DeShone Kizer interception in overtime. Shit, and here I was about to give the kid a pat on the back for his 20 for 28, three touchdown performance ...

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2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week 13!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: JimboX

JimboXAmerican@gmail.com

@JimboX

This Week's Episode:

"A Fine Line Between Parity and Parody"

THE ELITES

#01

Philadelphia Eagles (10-2)

Season Point Differential: +146

The Eagles came up short in their road trip to Seattle Sunday night, falling to the Seahawks 24-10. Carson Wentz went 29 for 45 for 348 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT split, with top receiver Nelson Algholor finishing the game with 141 yards and a score on seven hauls. Still, Philly's O-line looked uncharacteristically bad, allowing their QB to get sacked three times for minus 21 yards and get hit after the pass an additional eight times.

#02

New England Patriots (10-2)

Season Point Differential: +125

Tom Brady (21 for 30, 258 yards, one interception) didn't even need to throw any touchdowns for his Pats to stomp the Bills 23-3 over the weekend. Dion Lewis had 92 yards on 15 carries, while Rex Burkhead (78 yards on 12 carries) finished the game with two waltzes into enemy end zone. Of course, the game will forever be remembered for Gronk dropping the People's Elbow on Tre'Davious White - who, irony of ironies, just so happens to be black.

#03

Minnesota Vikings (10-2)

Season Point Differential: +81

Case Keenum continues to make his case (get it?) for regular season MVP following the Vikes' 14-9 win over the Falcons. In the victory, Keenum went 25 for 30 for 227 yards and two touchdown passes - including one to Jerrick McKinnon, who then proceeded to mock his opponents by doing the Dirty Bird in their own house. Oh, and former Raiders Latavius Murray continues to excel as a dual threat back - he concluded the game with 76 yards rushing and 21 receiving.

#04

Pittsburgh Steelers (10-2)

Season Point Differential: +68

The Steelers rallied from a 17-0 deficit to defeat the Bengals 23-20 on Monday night. In what was probably the most violent game of the season thus far, linebacker Ryan Shazier was carted off the field with a spinal injury, while JuJu Simon-Schuster did a stretcher job on Vontaze Burfict, who - let's face it - probably deserved it. On, and if you care, Big Ben had an alright game, too - he went 24 for 40 for 290 yards and a two-to-one TD-to-INT split.

#05

Los Angeles Rams (9-3)

Season Point Differential: +139

The Rams guaranteed their first winning season since 2003 via a 32-16 win over Arizona on Sunday. Jared Goff went 21 for 31 for 220 yards, two TD passes and one interception, while Todd Gurley collected 74 yards on the ground plus another 84 as a receiver. And let's hear it for Alec Ogletree - the no-name defender who snagged an errant pass from THE BLAINE GABBERT for an easy six on the board.

#06

New Orleans Saints (9-3)

Season Point Differential: +110

The Panthers came out on top in a super-duper important NFC South showdown Sunday, besting divisional rivals Carolina 31-21. Drew Brees went 25 for 34 for 269 yards and one TD pass, while backs Mark Ingram and Alvin Kamara combined for 145 yards and three touchdowns running the rock. And holy shit, did this team really hold Cam Newton to just 167 yards passing?

#07

Jacksonville Jaguars (8-4)

Season Point Differential: +121

The Jags whupped the tar out of the Colts Sunday, besting their AFC South adversaries 30-10. Blake Bortles had a fantastic game, going 26 for 35 for 309 yards and two TD passes, while Leonard Fournette carried the leather lunch box for 57 yards and one score on 20 carries. And, of course, the defense stood tall, holding Jacoby "Whisker Biscuit" Brissett to just 149 yards once you factor in the yardage he lost after getting sacked four times.

#08

Seattle Seahawks (8-4)

Season Point Differential: +68

The Seahawks stood tall in their Sunday night home stand, beating the Eagles by 14 points on prime-time TV. Russell Wilson had a fantastic showing, going 20 for 31 for 227 yards and three touchdown passes - all three of which landed in the open arms of three different receivers. And underrated back Mike Davis looked pretty good drilling through Philadelphia's ferocious defensive line, finishing the outing with 64 yards on 16 carries.

Huh. Looks like trash collection came early this week.

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

#09

Carolina Panthers (8-4)

Season Point Differential: +31

Well, you can't blame Cam Newton for the Panthers' 31-21 loss to the Saints Sunday. Carolina's gunslinger went 17 for 27 for 183 yards and two TD passes, plus he collected another 51 yards on six rushes. But yeah, about those three instances of the Panthers' coughing up the football ... 

#10

Tennessee Titans (8-4)

Season Point Differential: -16

Backhanded compliment time: the Titans, depending on your perspective, are either the worst "good" team in the NFL or the best "bad" one, as evident by their season-long points differential of minus 16 (making them the only team in the League with a winning record and a SPD in the negatives.) Still, those fuckers keep finding ways to win games, and such was the case when they bested Houston 24-13 over the weekend. Alas, we'll give credit where credit is due - with Derrick Henry and DeMarco Murray combining for nearly 200 rushing yards against the Texans, theirs is certainly a potent (if not underestimated) rushing attack that could carry them a lot further down the stretch than any of us anticipate.

#11

Baltimore Ravens (7-5)

Season Point Differential: +73

In a 44-20 win over Detroit, Joe Flacco went 23 for 36 for 269 yards and two passing touchdowns, while running back Alex Collins collected 75 yards and two touchdowns on 15 carries. And while Baltimore couldn't do too much to stop Matt Stafford's 292-yard passing day, they at least managed to collect two interceptions on the day - including a 45-yard pick six returned by Eric Weddle.

#12

Atlanta Falcons (7-5)

Season Point Differential: +30

The Vikings' defense kept Matt Ryan in check last Sunday, as last year's MVP could only muster 173 yards and no TD passes in a 14-9 loss. Devonta Freeman, however, looked pretty good running the rock, wrapping up the game with 74 yards on 12 touches. And how about this: despite staring down one of the best pass rushes in the League, Atlanta's O-line didn't let Minnesota's defenders sack Ryan once.

#13

Los Angeles Chargers (6-6)

Season Point Differential: +56

Phil Rivers went 31 for 43 for 344 yards and a solo TD pass in the Chargers' 19-10 win over the Browns Sunday. Keenan Allen's Pro Bowl-worthy season continued, as the top-tier receiver racked up 105 yards and one touchdown on 10 hauls. And Melvin Gordon didn't look too shabby, either - he finished the game with 77 yards (but no scores) on 19 carries.

#14

Kansas City Chiefs (6-6)

Season Point Differential: +29

And Sunday's 38-31 loss to the Jets makes it a four-game losing streak for Kansas City, who've gone almost a full month since last recording a victory. So yes, the team that started off the year 5-0 is now caught in a three-way tie for the AFC West's top slot, and could be kicked off the top as early as this Sunday when they host the Raiders. Alas, with Alex Smith (19 for 33, 366 yards) lobbing four touchdown passes in last weekend's loss, he probably won't get benched in favor of rookie QB Patrick Mahomes - although shit could get real if he turns in a lackluster performance in the first quarter or two this weekend against the team's arch-nemesis.

#15

Detroit Lions (6-6)

Season Point Differential: +6

Despite Matt Stafford nearly posting another 300-yard game, the Lions still got gobsmacked by the Ravens Sunday, ultimately losing 44-20. Despite being outproduced on the ground 101 yards to 78, the Lions still managed to collect just as many rushing scores (two) as their adversaries. The difference maker was the passing game; whereas Joe Flacco had two TD passes on the day, the Lions wound up lobbing two interceptions ... including a very costly pick six late in the fourth that effectively closed the casket on any comeback attempts.

#16

Dallas Cowboys (6-6)

Season Point Differential: +2

The Cowboys pretty much ethnic cleansed the Redskins Thursday night, pummeling their arch rivals 38-14 in prime-time. Dak Prescott went 11 for 22 for 102 yards and two touchdown passes and ran for another 28, but the real difference maker here was the Cowboys' run game, which - even without Ezekiel Elliot in the backfield - managed to outyard Washington on the ground 182 yards to 56. Hope you fantasy footballers started back Alfred Morris, seeing as how he only had 127 rushing yards in the contest.

Some of you might call it "unnecessary roughness." I prefer to call it celestial justice.

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

#17

Green Bay Packers (6-6)

Season Point Differential: -23

It took some overtime play to do it, but the Packers won the 2017 Battle of the Bays with a 26-20 win over the Bucs. Brett Hundley went 13 for 22 for 84 yards, no touchdowns and an interception, but thankfully, the Packers' rushing attack was a tad more potent. At the final horn, back Jamaal Williams had 113 yards and one TD on 21 carries, while Aaron Jones' 20-yard walkoff - err, runoff? - TD in extra innings sealed the victory for G.B.

#18

Oakland Raiders (6-6)

Season Point Differential: -29

The Raiders are back at .500 following Sunday's 24-17 win over the lowly, lowly New York Suck-Ball Giants. Marshawn Lynch had his best game since coming out of retirement, carrying the rock for 101 yards on 17 carries - including a 51-yard touchdown scamper. And even without Amari Cooper or Michael Crabtree in the lineup, Derek Carr still managed to rack up some big numbers - he finished the outing 22 for 36 for 287 yards and one TD pass.

#19

Buffalo Bills (6-6)

Season Point Differential: -56

The Bills never really showed up in their demoralizing 23-3 loss to the Patriots. T-Mobile (9 for 18, 65 yards, one INT) exited the game with an injury, and Nathan Peterman (six for 15, 50 yards, no TDs) hardly played any better. But on the bright side, at least LeSean McCoy did his part to make fantasy football players happy, as he finished the game with 93 yards on 15 carries.

#20

Cincinnati Bengals (5-7)

Season Point Differential: -19

At the beginning of the second quarter, the Bengals had an improbable 17-0 lead on the Steelers. Alas, the Bengals still being the Bungles, they proceeded to piss away their two touchdown-plus lead en route to a 23-20 Monday night loss. All things considered, though, Andy Dalton did alright, I suppose - he wrapped up the game 21 for 36 for 234 yards and two TD passes.

#21

New York Jets (5-7)

Season Point Differential: -22

The Jets scored a huge upset against the Chiefs this weekend, besting K.C. 38-31 in a thriller. Josh McCown went 26 for 36 for 331 yards and one touchdown pass, while the Jets' backfield combined for 157 yards and three scrambling scores. Of course, the Jets' pass defense is still atrocious - as evident by the fact they let Alex Smith scorch 'em for 366 yards and four TD passes.

#22

Washington Redskins (5-7)

Season Point Differential: -42

Kirk Cousins had a so-so performance in the Redskins' 38-14 loss to the Cowboys. He went 26 for 37 for 251 yards and a two-to-two TD-to-INT ratio, while the run game completely sputtered out. The best Washington could do running the rock was 56, with rookie Samaje Perine leading the pack with 38 yards on 12 carries. Meanwhile, the rushing defense totally took the night off, easily allowing the Dallas backfield to trample all over 'em for 182 yards.

#23

Miami Dolphins (5-7)

Season Point Differential: -89

The Dolphins pretty much poached the Broncos Sunday, destroying Denver 35-9. Oddly enough, it was Miami's defense that won 'em this ballgame, as the Fins capitalized on a pick six toss from Trevor Siemian and not just one but TWO safeties to begin and end the contest. And if you're wondering how Jay Cutler fared, he did just OK: 18 for 31 for 235 yards, two TD passes and two interceptions.

#24

Arizona Cardinals (5-7)

Season Point Differential: -91

The season-long blues continue for Arizona following their 32-16 loss to the Rams. Despite THE BLAINE GABBERT going 18 for 32 for 221 yards and a TD pass, he also threw two costly interceptions (including a pick six) and got sacked SIX times for a cumulative 27-yard loss. But Larry Fitzgerald did have a pretty good showing, at least - the veteran receiver concluded the outing with 98 yards and one TD on ten catches.

TFW you know it's your last day on the job.

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

#25

Houston Texans (4-8)

Season Point Differential: -13

Not surprisingly, Houston dropped Sunday's game against the Titans 24-13. What is surprising, however, are Tom Savage's numbers. The Texans' backup QB went 31 for 49 for 365 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT split - in the process, more than doubling Marcus Mariota's total aerial production. Of course, the Texans' run game sputtered out entirely, however, ultimately getting outpaced by Tennessee 198 yards to 53.

#26

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-8)

Season Point Differential: -45

Tampa Bay dropped another close one over the weekend - this one, a 26-20 loss to Green Bay in O.T. The big news is that Jameis Winston is officially back in the rotation, and he didn't look too shabby in the loss; at the final horn, he went 21 for 32 for 270 yards and two touchdown passes - both of which landed in the arms of Cameron Brate, whose only two catches of the day resulted in points on the scoreboard.

#27

Chicago Bears (3-9)

Season Point Differential: -76

Mitch "The Bitch" Trubisky had a terrible outing in Sunday's 15-14 loss to San Fran. At the final horn, he went 12 for 15 on pass attempts for a paltry 102 yards - which, factoring in sacks - can be reduced to only 85 yards on the day. And the run game wasn't there to bail out the anemic pass attack, either; the best the Bears' backs could muster was 62 yards on the ground, with Jordan Howard producing a scant 38 yards on 13 carries.

#28

Denver Broncos (3-9)

Season Point Differential: -109

Trevor Siemian had a day to forget in the Broncos' 35-9 loss to the Dolphins. He went 19 for 41 for 200 yards, but since he got sacked thrice, the net yardage rolls back to just 167. Oh, and he lobbed three interceptions, including one that got returned to the house for six easy points on Miami's side of the scoreboard. Shit, with a game like that, Paxton Lynch might see another start before the season's over after all.

#29

Indianapolis Colts (3-9)

Season Point Differential: -125

The Colts got their blue and white asses kicked Sunday, falling to Jacksonville 30-10. Old Whisker Biscuit went 21 or 36 in the losing bid, ultimately finishing the game with 174 yards, one touchdown and two interceptions. Oddly enough, though, the Colts did indeed outyard the Jags on the ground; at the final horn, Indianapolis had 141 rushing yards, compared to Jacksonville's 96 (which, unlike the Colts' ground production, however, came with one TD attached.)

#30

San Francisco 49ers (2-10)

Season Point Differential: -96

Yeah, the Niners only beat the Bears by one point Sunday, but when you're a 1-10 team, you'll take positive integers on the left hand side of the W-L column anyway you can get 'em. Jimmy Garoppolo went 26 for 37 for 293 yards, no touchdowns and one interception in the 15-14 win, with receivers Marquise Goodwin and Trent Taylor each reeling in 90 plus reception yards a piece. And holy shit, did SF's defense look marvelous, holding Chicago to only 102 yards passing and just 62 running the ball.

#31

New York Giants (2-10)

Season Point Differential: -102

Well, the Geno Smith experiment wasn't exactly a rousing success for the Giants. Eli's replacement went 21 for 34 for 200 yards and one TD pass in New York's 24-17 loss to Oakland, while the G-Men got outgained on the ground by the Raiders by a 119 yards to 65 yards margin. Unsurprisingly, head coach Ben McAdoo got McFired the day after the game; We'll see how interim H.C. Steve Spagnuolo fares over the remaining four games on the schedule, but if I was a betting man, I'd definitely gamble the farm that The Spag won't be calling the shots on the sidelines for N.Y. next season. And while we're making predictions on who will and who won't be on the Giants' sideline in 2018, I'd venture to guess old Eli won't be a locker room presence no more, either.

#32

Cleveland Browns (0-12)

Season Point Differential: -132

Another week, another loss for the Browns. This time around, their most recent L came in the form of a shockingly close 19-10 defeat against the Chargers, in a game that saw DeShone Kizer go 15 for 32 for 215 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio. Rumors abound that the Browns are already in "talks" with UCLA's Josh Rosen to be their first round draft pick - and yes, people are already telling him to not sign with them, even if it does cost him a rookie year paycheck.

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