2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week 13!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: JimboX

JimboXAmerican@gmail.com

@JimboX

This Week's Episode:

"A Fine Line Between Parity and Parody"

THE ELITES

#01

Philadelphia Eagles (10-2)

Season Point Differential: +146

The Eagles came up short in their road trip to Seattle Sunday night, falling to the Seahawks 24-10. Carson Wentz went 29 for 45 for 348 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT split, with top receiver Nelson Algholor finishing the game with 141 yards and a score on seven hauls. Still, Philly's O-line looked uncharacteristically bad, allowing their QB to get sacked three times for minus 21 yards and get hit after the pass an additional eight times.

#02

New England Patriots (10-2)

Season Point Differential: +125

Tom Brady (21 for 30, 258 yards, one interception) didn't even need to throw any touchdowns for his Pats to stomp the Bills 23-3 over the weekend. Dion Lewis had 92 yards on 15 carries, while Rex Burkhead (78 yards on 12 carries) finished the game with two waltzes into enemy end zone. Of course, the game will forever be remembered for Gronk dropping the People's Elbow on Tre'Davious White - who, irony of ironies, just so happens to be black.

#03

Minnesota Vikings (10-2)

Season Point Differential: +81

Case Keenum continues to make his case (get it?) for regular season MVP following the Vikes' 14-9 win over the Falcons. In the victory, Keenum went 25 for 30 for 227 yards and two touchdown passes - including one to Jerrick McKinnon, who then proceeded to mock his opponents by doing the Dirty Bird in their own house. Oh, and former Raiders Latavius Murray continues to excel as a dual threat back - he concluded the game with 76 yards rushing and 21 receiving.

#04

Pittsburgh Steelers (10-2)

Season Point Differential: +68

The Steelers rallied from a 17-0 deficit to defeat the Bengals 23-20 on Monday night. In what was probably the most violent game of the season thus far, linebacker Ryan Shazier was carted off the field with a spinal injury, while JuJu Simon-Schuster did a stretcher job on Vontaze Burfict, who - let's face it - probably deserved it. On, and if you care, Big Ben had an alright game, too - he went 24 for 40 for 290 yards and a two-to-one TD-to-INT split.

#05

Los Angeles Rams (9-3)

Season Point Differential: +139

The Rams guaranteed their first winning season since 2003 via a 32-16 win over Arizona on Sunday. Jared Goff went 21 for 31 for 220 yards, two TD passes and one interception, while Todd Gurley collected 74 yards on the ground plus another 84 as a receiver. And let's hear it for Alec Ogletree - the no-name defender who snagged an errant pass from THE BLAINE GABBERT for an easy six on the board.

#06

New Orleans Saints (9-3)

Season Point Differential: +110

The Panthers came out on top in a super-duper important NFC South showdown Sunday, besting divisional rivals Carolina 31-21. Drew Brees went 25 for 34 for 269 yards and one TD pass, while backs Mark Ingram and Alvin Kamara combined for 145 yards and three touchdowns running the rock. And holy shit, did this team really hold Cam Newton to just 167 yards passing?

#07

Jacksonville Jaguars (8-4)

Season Point Differential: +121

The Jags whupped the tar out of the Colts Sunday, besting their AFC South adversaries 30-10. Blake Bortles had a fantastic game, going 26 for 35 for 309 yards and two TD passes, while Leonard Fournette carried the leather lunch box for 57 yards and one score on 20 carries. And, of course, the defense stood tall, holding Jacoby "Whisker Biscuit" Brissett to just 149 yards once you factor in the yardage he lost after getting sacked four times.

#08

Seattle Seahawks (8-4)

Season Point Differential: +68

The Seahawks stood tall in their Sunday night home stand, beating the Eagles by 14 points on prime-time TV. Russell Wilson had a fantastic showing, going 20 for 31 for 227 yards and three touchdown passes - all three of which landed in the open arms of three different receivers. And underrated back Mike Davis looked pretty good drilling through Philadelphia's ferocious defensive line, finishing the outing with 64 yards on 16 carries.

Huh. Looks like trash collection came early this week.

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

#09

Carolina Panthers (8-4)

Season Point Differential: +31

Well, you can't blame Cam Newton for the Panthers' 31-21 loss to the Saints Sunday. Carolina's gunslinger went 17 for 27 for 183 yards and two TD passes, plus he collected another 51 yards on six rushes. But yeah, about those three instances of the Panthers' coughing up the football ... 

#10

Tennessee Titans (8-4)

Season Point Differential: -16

Backhanded compliment time: the Titans, depending on your perspective, are either the worst "good" team in the NFL or the best "bad" one, as evident by their season-long points differential of minus 16 (making them the only team in the League with a winning record and a SPD in the negatives.) Still, those fuckers keep finding ways to win games, and such was the case when they bested Houston 24-13 over the weekend. Alas, we'll give credit where credit is due - with Derrick Henry and DeMarco Murray combining for nearly 200 rushing yards against the Texans, theirs is certainly a potent (if not underestimated) rushing attack that could carry them a lot further down the stretch than any of us anticipate.

#11

Baltimore Ravens (7-5)

Season Point Differential: +73

In a 44-20 win over Detroit, Joe Flacco went 23 for 36 for 269 yards and two passing touchdowns, while running back Alex Collins collected 75 yards and two touchdowns on 15 carries. And while Baltimore couldn't do too much to stop Matt Stafford's 292-yard passing day, they at least managed to collect two interceptions on the day - including a 45-yard pick six returned by Eric Weddle.

#12

Atlanta Falcons (7-5)

Season Point Differential: +30

The Vikings' defense kept Matt Ryan in check last Sunday, as last year's MVP could only muster 173 yards and no TD passes in a 14-9 loss. Devonta Freeman, however, looked pretty good running the rock, wrapping up the game with 74 yards on 12 touches. And how about this: despite staring down one of the best pass rushes in the League, Atlanta's O-line didn't let Minnesota's defenders sack Ryan once.

#13

Los Angeles Chargers (6-6)

Season Point Differential: +56

Phil Rivers went 31 for 43 for 344 yards and a solo TD pass in the Chargers' 19-10 win over the Browns Sunday. Keenan Allen's Pro Bowl-worthy season continued, as the top-tier receiver racked up 105 yards and one touchdown on 10 hauls. And Melvin Gordon didn't look too shabby, either - he finished the game with 77 yards (but no scores) on 19 carries.

#14

Kansas City Chiefs (6-6)

Season Point Differential: +29

And Sunday's 38-31 loss to the Jets makes it a four-game losing streak for Kansas City, who've gone almost a full month since last recording a victory. So yes, the team that started off the year 5-0 is now caught in a three-way tie for the AFC West's top slot, and could be kicked off the top as early as this Sunday when they host the Raiders. Alas, with Alex Smith (19 for 33, 366 yards) lobbing four touchdown passes in last weekend's loss, he probably won't get benched in favor of rookie QB Patrick Mahomes - although shit could get real if he turns in a lackluster performance in the first quarter or two this weekend against the team's arch-nemesis.

#15

Detroit Lions (6-6)

Season Point Differential: +6

Despite Matt Stafford nearly posting another 300-yard game, the Lions still got gobsmacked by the Ravens Sunday, ultimately losing 44-20. Despite being outproduced on the ground 101 yards to 78, the Lions still managed to collect just as many rushing scores (two) as their adversaries. The difference maker was the passing game; whereas Joe Flacco had two TD passes on the day, the Lions wound up lobbing two interceptions ... including a very costly pick six late in the fourth that effectively closed the casket on any comeback attempts.

#16

Dallas Cowboys (6-6)

Season Point Differential: +2

The Cowboys pretty much ethnic cleansed the Redskins Thursday night, pummeling their arch rivals 38-14 in prime-time. Dak Prescott went 11 for 22 for 102 yards and two touchdown passes and ran for another 28, but the real difference maker here was the Cowboys' run game, which - even without Ezekiel Elliot in the backfield - managed to outyard Washington on the ground 182 yards to 56. Hope you fantasy footballers started back Alfred Morris, seeing as how he only had 127 rushing yards in the contest.

Some of you might call it "unnecessary roughness." I prefer to call it celestial justice.

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

#17

Green Bay Packers (6-6)

Season Point Differential: -23

It took some overtime play to do it, but the Packers won the 2017 Battle of the Bays with a 26-20 win over the Bucs. Brett Hundley went 13 for 22 for 84 yards, no touchdowns and an interception, but thankfully, the Packers' rushing attack was a tad more potent. At the final horn, back Jamaal Williams had 113 yards and one TD on 21 carries, while Aaron Jones' 20-yard walkoff - err, runoff? - TD in extra innings sealed the victory for G.B.

#18

Oakland Raiders (6-6)

Season Point Differential: -29

The Raiders are back at .500 following Sunday's 24-17 win over the lowly, lowly New York Suck-Ball Giants. Marshawn Lynch had his best game since coming out of retirement, carrying the rock for 101 yards on 17 carries - including a 51-yard touchdown scamper. And even without Amari Cooper or Michael Crabtree in the lineup, Derek Carr still managed to rack up some big numbers - he finished the outing 22 for 36 for 287 yards and one TD pass.

#19

Buffalo Bills (6-6)

Season Point Differential: -56

The Bills never really showed up in their demoralizing 23-3 loss to the Patriots. T-Mobile (9 for 18, 65 yards, one INT) exited the game with an injury, and Nathan Peterman (six for 15, 50 yards, no TDs) hardly played any better. But on the bright side, at least LeSean McCoy did his part to make fantasy football players happy, as he finished the game with 93 yards on 15 carries.

#20

Cincinnati Bengals (5-7)

Season Point Differential: -19

At the beginning of the second quarter, the Bengals had an improbable 17-0 lead on the Steelers. Alas, the Bengals still being the Bungles, they proceeded to piss away their two touchdown-plus lead en route to a 23-20 Monday night loss. All things considered, though, Andy Dalton did alright, I suppose - he wrapped up the game 21 for 36 for 234 yards and two TD passes.

#21

New York Jets (5-7)

Season Point Differential: -22

The Jets scored a huge upset against the Chiefs this weekend, besting K.C. 38-31 in a thriller. Josh McCown went 26 for 36 for 331 yards and one touchdown pass, while the Jets' backfield combined for 157 yards and three scrambling scores. Of course, the Jets' pass defense is still atrocious - as evident by the fact they let Alex Smith scorch 'em for 366 yards and four TD passes.

#22

Washington Redskins (5-7)

Season Point Differential: -42

Kirk Cousins had a so-so performance in the Redskins' 38-14 loss to the Cowboys. He went 26 for 37 for 251 yards and a two-to-two TD-to-INT ratio, while the run game completely sputtered out. The best Washington could do running the rock was 56, with rookie Samaje Perine leading the pack with 38 yards on 12 carries. Meanwhile, the rushing defense totally took the night off, easily allowing the Dallas backfield to trample all over 'em for 182 yards.

#23

Miami Dolphins (5-7)

Season Point Differential: -89

The Dolphins pretty much poached the Broncos Sunday, destroying Denver 35-9. Oddly enough, it was Miami's defense that won 'em this ballgame, as the Fins capitalized on a pick six toss from Trevor Siemian and not just one but TWO safeties to begin and end the contest. And if you're wondering how Jay Cutler fared, he did just OK: 18 for 31 for 235 yards, two TD passes and two interceptions.

#24

Arizona Cardinals (5-7)

Season Point Differential: -91

The season-long blues continue for Arizona following their 32-16 loss to the Rams. Despite THE BLAINE GABBERT going 18 for 32 for 221 yards and a TD pass, he also threw two costly interceptions (including a pick six) and got sacked SIX times for a cumulative 27-yard loss. But Larry Fitzgerald did have a pretty good showing, at least - the veteran receiver concluded the outing with 98 yards and one TD on ten catches.

TFW you know it's your last day on the job.

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

#25

Houston Texans (4-8)

Season Point Differential: -13

Not surprisingly, Houston dropped Sunday's game against the Titans 24-13. What is surprising, however, are Tom Savage's numbers. The Texans' backup QB went 31 for 49 for 365 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT split - in the process, more than doubling Marcus Mariota's total aerial production. Of course, the Texans' run game sputtered out entirely, however, ultimately getting outpaced by Tennessee 198 yards to 53.

#26

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-8)

Season Point Differential: -45

Tampa Bay dropped another close one over the weekend - this one, a 26-20 loss to Green Bay in O.T. The big news is that Jameis Winston is officially back in the rotation, and he didn't look too shabby in the loss; at the final horn, he went 21 for 32 for 270 yards and two touchdown passes - both of which landed in the arms of Cameron Brate, whose only two catches of the day resulted in points on the scoreboard.

#27

Chicago Bears (3-9)

Season Point Differential: -76

Mitch "The Bitch" Trubisky had a terrible outing in Sunday's 15-14 loss to San Fran. At the final horn, he went 12 for 15 on pass attempts for a paltry 102 yards - which, factoring in sacks - can be reduced to only 85 yards on the day. And the run game wasn't there to bail out the anemic pass attack, either; the best the Bears' backs could muster was 62 yards on the ground, with Jordan Howard producing a scant 38 yards on 13 carries.

#28

Denver Broncos (3-9)

Season Point Differential: -109

Trevor Siemian had a day to forget in the Broncos' 35-9 loss to the Dolphins. He went 19 for 41 for 200 yards, but since he got sacked thrice, the net yardage rolls back to just 167. Oh, and he lobbed three interceptions, including one that got returned to the house for six easy points on Miami's side of the scoreboard. Shit, with a game like that, Paxton Lynch might see another start before the season's over after all.

#29

Indianapolis Colts (3-9)

Season Point Differential: -125

The Colts got their blue and white asses kicked Sunday, falling to Jacksonville 30-10. Old Whisker Biscuit went 21 or 36 in the losing bid, ultimately finishing the game with 174 yards, one touchdown and two interceptions. Oddly enough, though, the Colts did indeed outyard the Jags on the ground; at the final horn, Indianapolis had 141 rushing yards, compared to Jacksonville's 96 (which, unlike the Colts' ground production, however, came with one TD attached.)

#30

San Francisco 49ers (2-10)

Season Point Differential: -96

Yeah, the Niners only beat the Bears by one point Sunday, but when you're a 1-10 team, you'll take positive integers on the left hand side of the W-L column anyway you can get 'em. Jimmy Garoppolo went 26 for 37 for 293 yards, no touchdowns and one interception in the 15-14 win, with receivers Marquise Goodwin and Trent Taylor each reeling in 90 plus reception yards a piece. And holy shit, did SF's defense look marvelous, holding Chicago to only 102 yards passing and just 62 running the ball.

#31

New York Giants (2-10)

Season Point Differential: -102

Well, the Geno Smith experiment wasn't exactly a rousing success for the Giants. Eli's replacement went 21 for 34 for 200 yards and one TD pass in New York's 24-17 loss to Oakland, while the G-Men got outgained on the ground by the Raiders by a 119 yards to 65 yards margin. Unsurprisingly, head coach Ben McAdoo got McFired the day after the game; We'll see how interim H.C. Steve Spagnuolo fares over the remaining four games on the schedule, but if I was a betting man, I'd definitely gamble the farm that The Spag won't be calling the shots on the sidelines for N.Y. next season. And while we're making predictions on who will and who won't be on the Giants' sideline in 2018, I'd venture to guess old Eli won't be a locker room presence no more, either.

#32

Cleveland Browns (0-12)

Season Point Differential: -132

Another week, another loss for the Browns. This time around, their most recent L came in the form of a shockingly close 19-10 defeat against the Chargers, in a game that saw DeShone Kizer go 15 for 32 for 215 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio. Rumors abound that the Browns are already in "talks" with UCLA's Josh Rosen to be their first round draft pick - and yes, people are already telling him to not sign with them, even if it does cost him a rookie year paycheck.

Read More

2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week 11!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

This Week's Episode:

"Thanks for nothin'"

THE ELITES

#01

Philadelphia Eagles (9-1)

Season Point Differential: +132

Pending he doesn't break his butthole or something like that this weekend, Carson Wentz is pretty much a look for this year's MVP award. His outstanding play continued in Sunday night's 37-9 spankin' of the Cowboys, as he went 14 for 27 for 168 yards and two touchdown passes. But let's give Philly's D some props, too - after all, they did force four turnovers (including three interceptions) off Dak Prescott, in addition to dropping his ass four times for negative 32 yards.

#02

New Orleans Saints (8-2)

Season Point Differential: +106

With 5:58 left in the fourth quarter, the Saints were down 31-16 against the Redskins. So, naturally, Drew Brees would toss two consecutive touchdown passes, with Alvin Kamara running it in a two-point conversion to make it 31-31 with 1:05 left in regulation. Of course, overtime rolls around and at the 7:25 mark, Wil Lutz kicked a 28-yard chip shot to give New Orleans quite possibly the single most improbable comeback victory of the 2017 season.

#03

New England Patriots (8-2)

Season Point Differential: +87

Tom Brady went 30 for 37 for 339 yards and three TD passes as the Pats steamrolled the Raiders 33-8 in Mexico City Sunday. Brandin Cooks chalked up an impressive 149 yards and one end zone saunter on six receptions, while Danny Amendola collected 66 yards and a TD haul on eight catches. Oh, and because nobody had the balls to bring it up, the Patriots/Raiders clash coincidentally pitted the absolute whitest team in pro football against the absolute blackest - like you even need me to tell you which is which, either.

#04

Minnesota Vikings (8-2)

Season Point Differential: +69

The Vikes defense held steady against one of the League's most potent offensive threats, as Minnesota thumped the Rams 24-7 Sunday. Case Keenum went 27 for 38 for 280 yards and one TD pass (to wideout Adam Thielen, who finished the game with 123 yards on six catches), while ex-Raider Latavius Murray chalked up two touchdown runs and 95 yards on 15 carries. And let's hear it for that rushing defense - holding Todd Gurley to just 37 yards on the day is definitely something to boast about.

#05

Pittsburgh Steelers (8-2)

Season Point Differential: +67

Big Ben had arguably his best game of the season in last Thursday's 40-17 win over the Titans. He went 30 for 45 for 299 yards and four touchdown passes, with Antonio Brown collecting three touchdown hauls and 144 yards on ten receptions. Still, Le'Veon Bell had a pretty poor showing - at the final horn, he was held to just 46 yards on 12 carries, with no end zone appearances.

#06

Los Angeles Rams (7-3)

Season Point Differential: +117

The Rams fell flat against the Vikings Sunday, losing 24-7. Jared Goff went 23 for 37 for 225 yards but no TD passes, while Todd Gurley could only muster a solo TD and 37 yards on 15 carries. Alas, the defense had no hope penetrating the Vikings offensive line - they recorded no sacks and had only six tackles for losses all game long.

#07

Jacksonville Jaguars (7-3)

Season Point Differential: +104

Yeah, it was just the Browns, but you can't overlook the awesomeness of Jacksonville's D. The Jags held DeShone Kizer to 179 yards on the day, which you might as well roll back to 134 considering the fact "Sacksonville" put him flat on his ass five times for a cumulative loss of 45 yards. And if that wasn't enough, they also picked off the former Fighting Irish twice, caused him to fumble the ball thrice and hit him after the pass eight times.

#08

Carolina Panthers (7-3)

Season Point Differential: +33

The Panthers had a bye last week but Cam and company will be back in action this Sunday for a 1 o'clock (local time) skirmish with the Jets. Speaking of Cam, if you were wondering what his stats were heading into week 11, wonder no more - in ten games, he's racked up 2,232 yards and 14 touchdown passes, plus another 436 yards and four TDs running the ball - which, technically, makes him a more productive ball carrier than Latavius Murray, Marshawn Lynch, Dion Lewis or Adrian Peterson at this point in the season.

Bitch, in Jacksonville they don't play.

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

#09

Seattle Seahawks (6-4)

Season Point Differential: +43

Seattle came up three points short in a 34-31 home loss to the Falcons on Monday night. Russell Wilson went 26 for 42 for 258 yards, two touchdown passes and one interception - plus he racked up another 86 yards and one rushing score on seven carries. Still, the O-line has gotta' do a better job protecting him; Atlanta defenders managed to sack him three times, knock the ball loose from him once and smack him after the pass eight times.

#10

Kansas City Chiefs (6-4)

Season Point Differential: +42

In what has to be the "get the fuck out of here" upset of the season thus far, the Chiefs actually lost 12-9 to the New York Giants over the weekend. Even more remarkable, Alex Smith managed to lob TWO interceptions over the course of the game, finishing the outing with 230 yards and no touchdown passes. And if that wasn't bad enough for you, you HAVE to see Travis Kelce's attempt at throwing the ball - all I can say is holy goddamn fucking shit.

#11

Detroit Lions (6-4)

Season Point Differential: +37

Detroit just barely prevailed over the Bears 27-24, but hey - a victory is still a victory, especially in this National Football League. Anyhoo, Matt Stafford went 21 for 31 for 299 yards and two touchdown passes, with Marvin Jones Jr. finishing the day with 85 yards and one TD haul on four catches. Alas, this team's ability to stop the run might as well be called a disability to run the ball, considering the defense let Chicago outgain 'em on the ground 222 yards to freakin' 64.

#12

Atlanta Falcons (6-4)

Season Point Differential: +21

It ain't easy beating Seattle on their home turf, but the Falcons did precisely that, eking out a 34-31 victory on the road last Monday night. Matt Ryan went 19 for 27 for 195 yards and two TD passes, with Julio Jones recording 71 yards on five receptions. Running back Tevin Coleman had a pretty decent showing, too - he wrapped up the game with 43 yards and one TD on 20 carries.

#13

Tennessee Titans (6-4)

Season Point Differential: -31

The Titans got rekt last Thursday night, dropping a 40-17 loss to the Steelers. Marcus Mariota managed to lob FOUR interceptions in the crushing defeat, ultimately concluding the game 22 for 33 with 306 yards and only one touchdown throw. But on the plus side? He did manage to creep his way into the end zone for a rare scrambling score - you know, not like it really mattered or anything like that.

#14

Baltimore Ravens (5-5)

Season Point Differential: +42

The Ravens positively SQUASHED the Packers last Sunday, blanking Green Bay 23-0 at Lambeau. Joe Flacco went 22 for 28 for 183 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT split, but really, this game was all about Baltimore's D; not only did they pick off Brett Hundley three times, they sacked him six times for negative 49 yards and hit him after the pass an astounding eleven times. 

#15

Dallas Cowboys (5-5)

Season Point Differential: 0

The Cowboys got drubbed Sunday night as the Eagles dominated them 37-9. Dak Prescott got intercepted thrice, fumbled away the ball once and was sacked four times by Philadelphia's defenders, as he finished the contest with a scant 145 yards and zero touchdown passes on 18 completions. And don't even ask about this team's rush defense; only able to rack up 112 yards without Ezekiel Elliot in the backfield, Dallas' D let the Eagles running back committee chalk up 215 yards on the ground, with two rushing touchdowns.

#16

Green Bay Packers (5-5)

Season Point Differential: -26

Well, shit. What can you say about the Packers' horrendous 23-0 loss to Baltimore at home? Needless to say, Brett Hundley (21 for 36 for 239 yards, zero TD passes and three interceptions) probably ain't going to be the future franchise QB. Indeed, if he keeps playing so poorly, it's hard to imagine any team acquiring him once he's a free agent next season. Which, of course, raises an interesting question: will Green Bay roll the dice on a first round backup QB in next spring's draft? Considering what this season has taught 'em, I definitely wouldn't bet against it.

Don't you just hate it when you have to admit a white man is your superior?

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

#17

Buffalo Bills (5-5)

Season Point Differential: -42

Woo boy, I reckon it's safe to say the Nathan Peterson experiment is over in Buffalo. In a horrific 54-24 loss to the Chargers, Nate The Not-So Great lobbed FIVE interceptions, including a pick six tossed into the arms of Korey Toomer barely three minutes into the first half. Completing six of 14 passes, Peterson finished the game with a literally retarded QBR of just 0.3 - thus, ensuring this guy probably won't ever start in a pro football game ever again, unless that shit's happening in Canada on a 110-yard-long field.

#18

Los Angeles Chargers (4-6)

Season Point Differential: +25

Considering the fact L.A. beat Buffalo by 30 points, I reckon it's safe to say the Chargers had a pretty good day on Sunday. Phil Rivers went 20 for 32 for 251 yards and two touchdown passes, with Keenan Allen finishing the game with 159 yards and two touchdown hauls on 12 completions. And yeah, the defense had a field day, too - at the final horn, the Chargers' defense racked up six turnovers, including two defensive touchdowns off an interception in the first and a fumble recovery in the third.

#19

Houston Texans (4-6)

Season Point Differential: +5

In a 31-21 win over Arizona, Tom Savage went 22 for 32 for 230 yards, two touchdown passes and one interception. Back D'Onta Foreman had two rushing touchdowns on the day, wrapping up the contest with 65 yards on ten carries, while DeAndre Hopkins finished the outing with 76 yards and one end zone visit on only four receptions. And the Texans' D totally stifled any and all attempts by the Cardinals to run the ball; at the final horn, Houston held Arizona to a meager 48 yards on the ground.

#20

New York Jets (4-6)

Season Point Differential: -21

The Jets were grounded for a bye last week, but they're back in action this Sunday for an afternoon tilt with the Panthers. In case you're wondering (and I know you're not, but just play along like you give a shit), the Jets are averaging 306.9 yards a game, giving them the League's 25th ranked offense heading into week 12. Defensively, they're doing slightly better - allowing 346.9 yards a game, their D is currently ranked 21st in the NFL.

#21

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-6)

Season Point Differential: -25

In an all Florida showcase, the Bucs outlasted the Fins 30-20 over the weekend. Tampa Bay is now 2-0 with Ryan Fitzpatrick under center - during last Sunday's game, he went 22 for 37 for 275 yards and two touchdown passes. So, uh, does that mean we officially have a quarterback controversy on our hands down there in Tampa?

#22

Washington Redskins (4-6)

Season Point Differential: -28

There are heartbreaking losses, and then there are "holy shit, did we really just give up a 15-point lead in the final six minutes of the ballgame?" Well, that's a misery not a whole lot of us have experienced, but it's one the Washington Redskins certainly know firsthand following their 34-31 overtime loss to the Saints. At least Kirk Cousins can take some solace in posting some pretty good stats - going 22 for 32, he finished the game with 322 yards and three TD passes.

#23

Cincinnati Bengals (4-6)

Season Point Differential: -30

The Bengals just narrowly held onto a 20-17 win against the Broncos, but hey - a victory is still a victory, no matter how small the margin. Anyhoo, Andy Dalton had one of his better performances of the year, going 15 for 25 for 154 yards and three touchdown passes against arguably the League's best overall defense. Even weirder, the Bengals not only won the game even though the accumulated substantially less rushing and passing yards than the Broncos, they even won despite two costly fumbles.

#24

Oakland Raiders (4-6)

Season Point Differential: -46

Well, after getting their asses kicked 33-8 by the Patriots down Mexico way, the Raiders are pretty much all but eliminated from playoffs contention (barring an absolutely miraculous late season run, but let's get real - that shit ain't happening.) Derek Carr had a just sorta alright game (28 for 49 for 237 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT split), while Marshawn Lynch finished the game with 67 yards on 11 carries. And, as always, if you ever get a hankerin' to relive the misery as it happened, you can check out our LIVE play-by-play coverage from the event anytime you want right here.

You know the best thing about this video? It could come from any year since 1999.

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

#25

Arizona Cardinals (4-6)

Season Point Differential: -78

The Cards couldn't get their run game goin' against Houston in Sunday's 31-21 defeat. In fact, Adrian Peterson could only muster a paltry 26 yards on 14 carries, and THE BLAINE GABBERT hardly performed any better playing quarterback. Sure, he did finish the game with 257 yards and three touchdown passes, but he also racked up two interceptions, a fumble, and ate two sacks for negative 13 yards - not exactly stats you'd consider jumping out of your seat over. Jumping off a bridge, though ... 

#26

Miami Dolphins (4-6)

Season Point Differential: -97

The Dolphins continue to flounder, falling 30-20 to Tampa Bay Sunday. Jay Cutler (six for 13, 83 yards, one TD) wound up getting the bench treatment after lobbing three picks. Backup Matt Moore, however, played significantly better, wrapping up the game 17 for 28 for 282 yards and one touchdown pass. Oddly enough, Miami outyarded Tampa Bay running and throwing the ball, but alas, when you commit five turnovers and your opponent has zero, I reckon all the yardage in the world won't pull a W out of thin air, will it?

#27

Chicago Bears (3-7)

Season Point Differential: -47

In a narrow 27-24 loss to Detroit, Chicago definitely beat the Lions on the ground. Jordan Howard's 125 rushing yards eclipsed Detroit's total rushing production by more than 50 yards, and at the final horn the Bears outpaced Detroit by a 222-to-65 rushing yardage differential. Still, Mitch "The Bitch" Trubisky is struggling - he wrapped up the game 18 for 30 for 179 yards, no touchdown throws and one interception on the day.

#28

Denver Broncos (3-7)

Season Point Differential: -76

The Broncos continue to spiral down the commode, dropping last Sunday's game against Cincinnati 20-17. Despite outyarding the Bengals in the air 254 to 154 and on the ground 112 to 49, Brock Os and pals just couldn't seem to sniff their way into enemy end zone; alas, will the Broncos' fortunes improve when they start Paxton Lynch against the Raiders this Sunday, or will their six game losing streak hit (un)lucky number seven?

#29

Indianapolis Colts (3-7)

Season Point Differential: -101

The Colts had a bye over the weekend and return this Sunday for an intra-AFC South scrap with the Titans. Posting 300.8 yards a game, Indianapolis possesses the League's 28th ranked offense heading into week 12; defensively, they fare even worse - allowing 395.8 yards a contest, their D is ranked 30th overall.

#30

New York Giants (2-8)

Season Point Differential: -85

Believe it or not, the lowly, lowly G-Men managed to best the Chiefs 12-9 last Sunday. As fate would have it, Orleans Darkwa's lone rushing TD was the difference maker, as he finished the game with 74 yards on 20 carries. And not that it's a surprise or anything, but Eli Manning didn't exactly set the world on fire with his stats, despite the W - he wrapped up the contest 19 for 35 for 205 yards, no touchdowns and no interceptions.

#31

San Francisco 49ers (1-9)

Season Point Differential: -86

After a bye, San Fran hosts Seattle this Sunday for a pivotal - well, not really - NFC West showdown. Averaging 325.9 yards a game, the Niners have the League's 22nd ranked offense. And if you think that's lackluster, you ought to take a gander at the defense; allowing opponents an average of 379.8 yards a game, their D ranks 27th in the NFL.

#32

Cleveland Browns (0-10)

Season Point Differential: -109

If it's any consolation - and no, it really isn't - at least the Browns kept it somewhat close in their 19-7 loss to the Jaguars. To be fair, their defense DID hold Blake Bortles to just 154 yards, although their defense also let Leonard Fournette run circles around 'em for 111 yards on the day. Needless to say, there are a LOT of broken pieces this team needs to fix before they can be competitive - hell, if they keep stinkin' it up like this, they might as well give 'em TWO number one draft picks come next spring (that, or the League's gonna have to start spotting Cleveland 10 free points each game, just so the other teams will be quasi-inspired.) 

Read More

2016 NFL Power Rankings - Week 17

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat it - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo___X

This Week's Episode:

"Down to a Dozen"

THE ELITES

01

New England Patriots (14-2)

Season Point Differential: +191

With a commanding 35-14 win over the Fins, the Patriots finish up the regular season with both the best overall record in pro football and the League's highest total point differential. Having secured the No. 1 seed in the AFC, the road to the Super Bowl will undoubtedly find its way snaking through Foxboro, one way or another.

02

Atlanta Falcons (11-5)

Season Point Differential: +134

With a 38-32 win over the Saints (in a game that saw Matt Ryan lob the rock 331 yards and four touchdowns), the Falcons snatched up the second seed in the NFC and with it, a pivotal first round bye. The offense is definitely there to propel the team far into the postseason, but will the team's suspect run defense sink them in the long haul?

03

Dallas Cowboys (13-3)

Season Point Differential: +115

With a first round bye and home field advantage throughout the playoffs locked up several weeks earlier, the Cowboys didn't risk it against the Eagles, benching Dak Prescott and Ezekiel Elliott so the likes of Tony Romo (but mostly Mark Sanchez) and Darren McFadden could get some snaps. While what was effectively Dallas' B-team wound up losing the game 27-13, the late season loss doesn't appear to have derailed the team's momentum - although, as seasons past have shown us, this team sure does have a knack for hunching the pooch in mid-January...

04

Kansas City Chiefs (12-4)

Season Point Differential: +78

A 37-27 win over the Chargers (in tandem with the Raiders imploding against the Broncos) not only gave the Chiefs the AFC West crown, it also slotted them into the conference's second seed and granted them a crucial first round bye in the playoffs. One thing's for sure - they sure as hell don't want to run into the Steelers, considering all the terrible things Pittsburgh did to 'em back in week four...

05

Pittsburgh Steelers (11-5)

Season Point Differential: +72

With most of the Steelers' starters sitting out the final game of the season, maybe it's not that surprising it took Pittsburgh overtime to bump off the lowly Cleveland Browns over the weekend. Alas, they got the job done there, and now turn their attentions toward the surprising Miami Dolphins this weekend - a team that managed to best them 30-15 earlier this season in week six.

06

Seattle Seahawks (10-5-1)

Season Point Differential: +62

Seattle struggled to take down San Fran over the weekend, with the 'Hawks just narrowly racking up a 25-23 win. Are Russell Wilson's woes and the team's lackluster run game performance in the season ender an indication this team ain't exactly playoffs-ready? We'll see when the team hosts Detroit this weekend. 

07

Arizona Cardinals (7-8-1)

Season Point Differential: +56

Well, the Cardinals - picked by many "experts" to make it all the way to Super Bowl 51 - didn't even hit .500 at season's end. Oh well - at least they got to inflate their overall season point differential with a 44-6 blowout of the Rams. That's got to account for something, don't it?

08

Green Bay Packers (10-6)

Season Point Differential: +44

The Packers - fresh off a 31-24 win over the Lions - are quite possibly the hottest team heading into the playoffs, having won six consecutive games. We'll see if the team can keep the hot hand rolling this weekend, when they host the New York Giants for a wildcard round showdown.

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

09

Denver Broncos (9-7)

Season Point Differential: +36

Gary Kubiak ended his tenure as the Broncos' coach with a 24-6 win over the Raiders. Although the week 17 victory gives Denver a winning record, it still isn't enough to get them into the postseason - making 2016 the first season since 2002 that neither team participating in the previous year's Super Bowl qualified for the following postseason. 

10

Philadelphia Eagles (7-9)

Season Point Differential: +36

Carson Wentz and the rest of the crew won't be participating in the playoffs this year, but the team - after an abysmal October and November - did play a lot better heading down the stretch. Not all the pieces are in place quite yet, but give these kids a draft class or two and they could certainly be NFC East Champion material in no time at all. 

11

Oakland Raiders (12-4)

Season Point Differential: +31

Matt McGloin looked like shit in the Raiders' 24-6 loss to the Broncos - which, in tandem with the Chiefs bumping off the Chargers - cost them not only the AFC West, but a much, MUCH needed first round bye in the playoffs. That means the team's fate hinges on the shoulders of rookie QB Connor Cook, who will be getting his very first professional start against the Texans this Saturday. 

12

New York Giants (11-5)

Season Point Differential: +26

The Giants dashed the Redskins' playoff dreams Sunday via a 19-10 road win. The G-Men now set sail for Lambeau, as Eli Manning, OBJ and the rest of the gang tango with Green Bay in the opening round of the playoffs. And if they lose, definitely expect the team's mid-week partying to be cited as a factor for defeat.

13

Baltimore Ravens (8-8)

Season Point Differential: +22

The Ravens were firmly in the race for the AFC North crown all the way up until two weeks ago. As you'd expect a team with nothing left to play for to do, they proceeded to spend the final week of the regular season getting their ass kicked by a divisional rival, to the tune of a 27-10 Bengals victory.

14

Buffalo Bills (7-9)

Season Point Differential: +21

It's not really surprising that Rex Ryan got shit-canned following the Bills' 30-10 loss to the Jets. There's a pretty good offensive core up there in Almost-Toronto, but the team still has plenty of defensive deficiencies to work on through the offseason.

15

Minnesota Vikings (8-8)

Season Point Differential: +20

The Vikes started out the year 5-0, but somehow managed to fuck up a good three months of football en route to a ho-hum .500 average. But hey, they did manage to beat the Bears 38-10 in their regular season finale and a whole bunch of hippie protesters showed the entire world just how incredibly easy it is to break into their stadium with a 20 foot banner and hang it from the scaffolding without any security guards knowing about it. That's got to make you feel some kind of pride, don't it?

16

Indianapolis Colts (8-8)

Season Point Differential: +19

Andrew Luck and the gang broke even with a 24-20 win over the Jaguars last weekend. With a midrange draft pick in the cards, the team will probably look to beef up its porous run defense - I mean, can their GM really sleep well at night knowing the motherfucking Jags are able to drop 182 rushing yards on them?

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

17

New Orleans Saints (7-9)

Season Point Differential: +15

Had Lady Luck pushed a couple of field goals just a wee bit closer to the uprights, this Saints team very well could have finished up the season 9-7, or maybe even 10-6. Alas, Drew Brees and amigos caught some tough breaks down the road - despite scoring a million bajillion points, their paper-thin defense allowed opposing teams to rack up just as many digits on the scoreboard all season long. 

18

Washington Redskins (8-7-1)

Season Point Differential: +13

All the Redskins had to do was beat the Giants on their home turf Sunday and they were playoffs-bound. Well, after dropping that little heartbreaker 19-10, last year's NFC East champs will have to watch the remainder of the postseason on TV at home - and something tells me they are going to be doing a lot of rooting for whoever winds up playing against the Cowboys or Giants. 

19

Cincinnati Bengals (6-9-1)

Season Point Differential: +10

The Bengals' collapse in 2016 has to be the most flabbergasting of the year (well, if you don't count Carolina in the equation, anyway.) Still, they managed to end the disappointing season on something that at least formally resembles a high note - a 27-10 win over a deflated Ravens' squad that clearly did not give a shit about what was happening on the field.

20

Tennessee Titans (9-7)

Season Point Differential: +03

Despite finishing the season with a winning record, their 24-17 win over the Texans really didn't account for much, seeing as how Houston already held the tiebreaker over them. Still, this team did way better than expected - if Marcus Mariota can come back 100 percent next year, definitely expect this team to make a strong push for the 2017-18 postseason.

21

Detroit Lions (9-7)

Season Point Differential: -12

Falling 31-24 to the Packers, Detroit handed Green Bay the NFC North championship last Sunday night. Still, the Lions (thanks to a Redskins' loss) managed to secure the sixth seed in the conference, thus facilitating a trip to Seattle this weekend. In that, one can't help but wonder: is Matt Stafford and Golden Tate enough to get this team past the first round, let alone carry the team deep into January play?

22

San Diego Chargers (5-11)

Season Point Differential: -13

The Chargers concluded their disappointing season with a disappointing 37-27 loss to divisional foes Kansas City. Alas, the big question heading into the offseason is where this team will be playing this time next year: unless some miracle deal is struck between now and the end of February, it's pretty much a given we just saw our last NFL game in San Diego for a long time to come. 

23

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-7)

Season Point Differential: -15

The Bucs' slim playoff hopes came crashing down Sunday, even though T.B. did finish the year with a 17-16 win over Carolina. In an alternate reality, there's a pretty good chance a few fortuitous bounces would've propelled this team to an 11-5 record - alas, on this Earth, it looks like Tampa Bay came up, ahem, - a Buc short - of making the postseason.

24

Miami Dolphins (10-6)

Season Point Differential: -17

The Dolphins got absolutely hammered by Tom Brady and pals, losing their regular season finale against the Patriots 35-14. Things won't get any easier for Matt Moore and company this weekend, when they must travel to Pittsburgh and go toe-to-toe with Big Ben and the boys in the wildcard round of the playoffs.

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

25

Carolina Panthers (6-10)

Season Point Differential: -33

...and that's the way the defending NFC Champs' dumpster fire of a season wraps up; not with a whimper, but with a 17-16 loss to Tampa Bay. Pigskin historians are going to be studying the mechanics of this team's astounding fall from glory for years to come - and no, the team can't blame all their hardships on Cam Newton eatin' helmet every other play, either.

26

Houston Texans (9-7)

Season Point Differential: -49

By just about every quantitative margin you want to use, the Texans are probably the worst team to make the playoffs this year. Alas, the statistical odometer unofficially rolls over once the postseason begins, and we'll just have to wait and see what Brock Os brings to the table when Houston hosts the Raiders this Saturday afternoon.

27

Jacksonville Jaguars (3-13)

Season Point Differential: -82

Never mind the top five draft pick, the big question mark heading into the offseason is who will wind up filling in as the team's head coach. Two names being bandied about early are Falcons' O.C. Kyle Shanahan and Patriots offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels. With Blake Bortles routinely posting 300 yards a game and the running back committee flirting with 200 YPG, there's definitely a lot of potential for the men in teal - you know, just as long as they get their super shitty defense fixed sometime this century.

28

Chicago Bears (3-13)

Season Point Differential: -120

The Bears had their worst season in ages, wrapping up a shitty year with a shitty 38-10 loss to a Vikings team that stopped giving a damn a month and a half ago. Sitting pretty with a top five pick in the draft, one would imagine the team's top priority is picking up a new signal caller - that is, unless they see something in Matt Barkley that don't nobody else in the world knows about. 

29

New York Jets (5-11)

Season Point Differential: -134

The Jets haven't had a whole lot of high points this season, but at least they managed to bump off divisional foes Buffalo 30-10 in week 17. There is a whole lot to work on in the downtime, but the team's most pressing priority, of course, is landing themselves a quarterback halfway worth a shit. And seeing as how this is the same franchise that once gave Chad Pennington $64 million to do Jack Shit, I wouldn't exactly have a whole lot of optimism on management to make much headway there one iota.

30

Los Angeles Rams (4-12)

Season Point Differential: -170

The Rams concluded their season by getting the ever-loving shit pounded out of them by Arizona 44-6. Destined for a top five draft pick, it's pretty hard to determine what L.A. needs to remedy first - an offense that could only muster 71 yards passing and 52 yards rushing in week 17 or a defense that allowed the corpse of Carson Palmer to lob the rock for 255 yards and three touchdown passes.

31

San Francisco 49ers (2-14)

Season Point Differential: -171

The Niners racked up one of their worst seasons ever, concluding the 17-week shitstorm with a painfully close 25-23 loss to divisional foes Seattle. Needless to say, this team is going to be doing a LOT of retooling in the offseason - and if either Colin K. or Blaine Gabbert are still on the roster come next August, I'll eat my own hat and put it on YouTube.

32

Cleveland Browns (1-15)

Season Point Differential: -188

Sure, it was the Steelers' back-up crew, but the Browns nonetheless looked somewhat valiant in their tough overtime loss to Pittsburgh last weekend. Destined for the No. 1 pick in the NFL draft, Cleveland has a lot to rebuild in the offseason; as in, pretty much the whole goddamn team. Myles Garrett, Jonathan Allen, DeShone Kizer, Leonard Fournette - at this point, they've all got to be considered improvements over the dumpster fire down by Lake Erie.

Read More