Showing posts with label comedy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label comedy. Show all posts

Monday, March 4, 2019

This Week in Social Justice Warrior-Dom (March 04, 2019 Edition!)

Trigger warning activated! Our biweekly recap of everything that irked, irritated and aggravated SJWs is back with a vengeance! 

Sunday, February 3, 2019

Friday, October 19, 2018

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week 5!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.


By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX
This Week's Episode:
"The Least Sensible Season Continues ..."
THE ELITES
#01
Kansas City Chiefs (5-0)
Season Point Differential: +53

The Chiefs remain the only unbeaten team in pro football following their 42-34 win over Houston last Sunday night. Alex Smith continues to put up MVP numbers, going 29 for 37 in the contest for 324 yards and three touchdowns. And while Kareem Hunt didn't hit end zone paydirt against the Texans, he nonetheless finished the game with some mighty impressive statistics: 107 yards on 29 carries.
#02
Philadelphia Eagles (4-1)
Season Point Differential: +38

Carson Wentz went full NFL Blitz in the Eagles commanding, domineering 34-7 win over the Cardinals. He wrapped up the game 21 for 30 for 304 yards, four touchdown passes and one interception, with each one of his TD strikes hitting a different receiver. Alas, as good as the Eagles run defense may be (they only allowed Arizona 31 yards on the ground), their pass defense - which allowed Carson Palmer's old ass to collect 291 yards in the air - remains highly suspect.
#03
Green Bay Packers (4-1)
Season Point Differential: +23

It was a good old fashioned shootout Sunday afternoon, and this time around, the Packers came out on top. In Green Bay's 35-31 win against Dallas, Aaron Rodgers went 19 for 29 for 221 yards and three touchdown strikes, with running back Aaron Jones coming out of nowhere to collect 125 yards and one end zone visit on 19 carries. Of course, it's not all wine and roses (or beer and cheese, consider this is Wisconsin we're talking about) - the Packers' o-line also gave up four sacks, with their franchise QB getting drilled for a net yardage loss of minus 39.
#04
Carolina Panthers (4-1)
Season Point Differential: +11

 Just days after getting chastised for allegedly berating a female reporter, Cam Newton lobbed three touchdown passes and finished Sunday's 27-24 win over Detroit with 355 yards on 26 completions. Huh, it's almost like the more he taunts and humiliates women, the better his on-field performance; all I can say is watch out, NFC - if this dude decides he wants to start doing him some rapin', he might start scoring ten touchdowns every game. 
#05
Denver Broncos (3-1)
Season Point Differential: +24

The Broncos had a bye over the week and will reemerge this Sunday night for a prime time hootenanny with the Giants. Averaging 341.3 yards per game, the Broncos currently have the League's 13th ranked offense. And allowing a scant 260.8 yards game - which is 40 less yards per game than the next-best D in pro ball - Denver has far and away the best defense in the National Football League. 
#06
Atlanta Falcons (3-1)
Season Point Differential: +15

The Falcons had a bye last weekend and will resume their season with a 1 P.M. game against Miami this Sunday. Averaging 388.3 yards per contest, the Falcons' offense is ranked fourth in the League; allowing 318.3, their defense is currently ranked 10th overall. 
#07
Jacksonville Jaguars (3-2)
Season Point Differential: +56

All I can say is holy goddamn motherfucking shit. Not only did the Jags absolutely maul the Steelers 30-9 Sunday, they may have actually turned Big Ben into a certified retard. All in all, the Jaguars collected FIVE INTERCEPTIONS off the Steelers' long-time (and purportedly, long-raping) QB, including an unbelievable two-fer of back-to-back pick sixes. Factor in Leonard Fournette's 181-yard, 2-TD rushing day and all of a sudden, it looks like Jacksonville is - somehow, someway - a genuine playoff challenger now.
#08
Los Angeles Rams (3-2)
Season Point Differential: +31

 The high-powered Rams' offense just couldn't get it going in their 16-10 loss to Seattle. Jared Goff has his worst showing of the season, going 22 for 47 for 288 yards, no touchdowns and two interceptions, while Todd Gurley was held to a season-low 43 rushing yards. Oddly enough, though, the Rams did win the statistical defensive battle, holding Russell Wilson to only 198 passing yards and the entire Seahawks backfield to just 62 yards on the ground.
Holy shit - Big Ben actually has BECOME his ProFootballMock character.

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

#09
Detroit Lions (3-2)
Season Point Differential: +26

 The Lions dropped a close one to Carolina over the weekend, falling 27-24 in a contest that saw Detroit come dangerously close to completing the comeback win. Matt Stafford had an alright day, going 23 for 35 for 229 yards and two touchdown strikes, but he also got sacked SIX TIMES for a cumulative loss of 37 yards. And speaking of the Detroit D, they really are a mixed bag. Although they looked great holding Carolina's run game to just 28 yards on the ground, their aerial coverage totally shit the bed, allowing Cam Newton to rack up 355 yards' worth of leather air mail.
#10
Seattle Seahawks (3-2)
Season Point Differential: +23

In a very field goal-y game, credit Seattle's defense for the big 16-10 win over the Rams. With Russell Wilson (24 for 37, 198 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT) playing pretty ho-hum - and the run game sputtering out completely - it was the Seahawks' defense that won the day, with the D recording two interceptions and forcing an additional three fumbles.
#11
Buffalo Bills (3-2)
Season Point Differential: +15

 Well, the Bills totally shit the bed in Sunday's 20-16 loss to Cincinnati. T-Mobile lost all reception in game, finishing the outing with 166 yards, one TD and one INT on 20 completions, and the run game was even worse: at the final horn, the Bills could only muster 82 yards of ground offense, with LeSean McCoy topping out at 63. Oh, and the less said about the secondary that let Andy fuckin' Dalton torch 'em for 328 yards, the better.
#12
Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2)
Season Point Differential: +10

There are bad losses. Then there are really bad losses. And then there are games where your aging franchise quarterback lobs five interceptions over the course of just 60 minutes, with two of them getting returned for points on the other side of the scoreboard. Now, I'm not saying it's officially time to put Big Ben out to pasture, but another game as bad as the 30-9 loss to the Jaguars and this team will have no choice but to give Landry Jones (or perhaps even Joshua Dobbs) the starting spot.

#13
New England Patriots (3-2)
Season Point Differential: +6

It was by no means a dominant performance, but the Pats will take a 19-14 win over the Bucs, no questions asked. Tom Brady went 30 for 40 in the outing, ultimately collecting 303 yards, one TD and one INT at the final horn. Surprisingly, the formerly dormant New England run game looked impressive last Thursday, too, with Dion Lewis and Mike Gillislee combining for 105 yards on the ground.
#14
Minnesota Vikings (3-2)
Season Point Differential: +6

Thanks to a late INT tossed by Mitch Trubisky, the Vikes were able to hold on to a narrow 20-17 victory Monday night. Sam Bradford got injured early on in the contest, leaving Case Keenum (17 for 21, 140 yards and one TD) to do most of the heavy lifting. If you're looking for a fantasy football dark horse, you might want to give Vikings' back Jerick McKinnon your considerations; not only did he have 95 yards and a TD running the ball, he also collected 51 yards as a receiver.
#15
Baltimore Ravens (3-2)
Season Point Differential: -7

 Joe Flacco went 19 for 26 for 222 yards in the Ravens' 30-17 win over the Raiders, although he didn't lob any TD passes. Indeed, it was Baltimore's rushing attack - which collected 143 yards and two touchdowns on the day - that proved the difference maker. Although fantasy football players probably aren't too peeved about Mike Wallace posting 133 yards on only three receptions, neither, pending they had the foresight to start him on their teams last Sunday. 
#16
New York Jets (3-2)
Season Point Differential: -14

 After an 0-2 start, the Jets have now won three straight, including Sunday's battle against Cleveland. In a narrow 17-14 win, Josh McCown went 23 for 30 for 194 yards, two touchdowns and one interception, and apparently, that was pretty much all they needed to do to get the win. The Jets' run game certainly wasn't a factor; after all, they did only muster a puny 34 yards of total ground offense, while allowing the Browns to record 140 rushing.
Oh, so that's why he's called a line coach!
THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

#17
New Orleans Saints (2-2)
Season Point Differential: +15

 The Saints sat out week five and will return this Sunday for a home stand against the Lions. Averaging 370.5 yards a game, New Orleans is the League's seventh ranked offense; allowing 378.4 yards per game, the Saints also possess the NFL's eighth best defense ... which is something you REALLY wouldn't have expected considering the team gave up more than 1,000 yards in their first two games of the season.
#18
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-2)
Season Point Differential: +2

 The Bucs' late comeback attempt was a noble one, but for naught as they still lost 19-14 to the Patriots last Thursday night. Jameis Winston went 26 for 46 for 334 yards and one TD, while DeSean Jackson wrapped up the contest with 106 yards on just five completions. And don't discount Doug Martin, neither, who had 74 yards and one rushing TD in the losing effort.
#19
Washington Redskins (2-2)
Season Point Differential: +2

 The Redskins had a bye over the weekend and return this Sunday for a 1 o'clock scrap with still-winless San Fran. Registering 363 yards a game, the Redskins currently have the League's eighth-ranked offense; allowing 311.3 yards per game, Washington also possesses the NFL's third-best defense, statistically-speaking.
#20
Houston Texans (2-3)
Season Point Differential: +14

 Despite dropping Sunday night's game to Kansas City by a 42-34 final score, Texans' QB Deshaun Watson doesn't have anything to be ashamed of - after all, the motherfucker only threw five touchdown passes in the loss. Alas, despite receiver DeAndre Hopkins and Will Fuller each grabbing at least two touchdowns and more than 50 yards a piece, the big news coming out of the game is the injury to JJ Watt - with a broken leg, he's almost certain to miss the remainder of the season.
#21
Cincinnati Bengals (2-3)
Season Point Differential: +1

 After starting the season 0-3, the Bengals are now on the verge of hitting .500 following Sunday's 20-16 victory over Buffalo. Andy Dalton went 22 for 36 in the contest, finishing the game with 328 yards, 1 TD and two interceptions, with A.J. Green cracking 189 receiving yards on the day. Still, the run game looked terrible, accumulating just 65 yards on the ground all afternoon. 
#22
Oakland Raiders (2-3)
Season Point Differential: -1

 After looking like a Super Bowl caliber team in the first two weeks of the season, the Raiders have dropped three straight, their latest being a 30-17 loss to the Ravens at home (which was apparently bad enough that it led to Raiders fans trying to fight Donald Penn in the parking lot after the game.) Anyway, the good news is that Derek Carr will be under center next week for an in-division tilt against the Chargers, and from the looks of it, the Chargers still suck. And if you care to revisit the abject misery of last Sunday's game live as it happened, you can always catch the encore presentation right here.
#23
Dallas Cowboys (2-3)
Season Point Differential: -7

 Dak Prescott tried to keep it competitive in the Cowboys' 35-31 loss to the Packers. The second-year QB went 25 for 36 in the outing, wrapping up the affair with 251 yards, three touchdown strikes and one INT. Ezekiel Elliot had another good showing (116 yards on 29 carries), but the turnovers absolutely tanked Dallas; factoring in that aforementioned INT, the Cowboys' O handed the ball to the Packers' defense three times.
#24
Miami Dolphins (2-2)
Season Point Differential: -26

 The Dolphins may have gotten a narrow 16-10 win over the Titans, but that ain't the big story coming out of the Fins' camp this week. Miami's offensive line coach Chris Foerster got shit-canned on Oct. 9 when footage was released of him apparently snorting the Colombian booger sugar through a rolled up  $20 bill. Of course, considering his primary job duty was to find ways to protect Jay Cutler, who wouldn't want to be coked out of their mind 24 hours a day, too?
How ironic - now he has no choice but to kneel during the national anthem.

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT
#25
Tennessee Titans (2-3)
Season Point Differential: -32

In a tough 16-10 loss to Miami, Matt Cassel went 21 for 32 for 141 yards and one TD. He also got sacked six times and hit after the pass ELEVEN times, so it's probably a good idea for the Titans to start kicking the tires on some potential back-up-back-ups. And in case you're curious: the next man up on Tennessee's depth chart is THE BRANDON WEEDEN, who, hopefully, will get at least one chance to quarterback duel with Scott Tolzien sometime before the season is over.
#26
Arizona Cardinals (2-3)
Season Point Differential: -44

 There aren't a whole lot of positives to take away from the Cardinal's demoralizing 34-7 loss to the Eagles over the weekend. With Chris Johnson only able to rack up 21 yards on nine carries, the once-feared Cards' rushing attack is now about as flaccid as John Madden's penis - and as evident by last Sunday's outcome, this team simply can't rely on Carson Palmer to keep the offense clicking. Alas, we'll see if Arizona's big gamble on Adrian Peterson does anything to get the team's stagnant run game going ...
#27
Indianapolis Colts (2-3)
Season Point Differential: -62

It took some overtime play, but the Colts still managed to triumph over the 49ers 26-23 over the weekend. Jacoby "Whisker Biscuit" Brissett went 22 for 34 for 314 yards, no touchdowns and one INT, getting sacked four times and hit after the pass literally a dozen times. But he did rack up one rushing TD, so there's that, I guess. 

#28
Los Angeles Chargers (1-4)
Season Point Differential: -16

 Well, somebody had to win Sunday's battle of the 0-4 superstars, and this time around the Chargers came out with Lady Luck's blessings. In the 27-22 win, Philip Rivers went 21 for 44 for 258 yards and three touchdowns (plus one INT), with Melvin Gordon hauling in two touchdown passes as a receiver and posting another 105 yards as a rusher. And shockingly, they somehow managed to play a complete game without losing any big name players to injury. Now that's the real shocker.
#29
Chicago Bears (1-4)
Season Point Differential: -46

Mitch "The Bitch" Trubisky's first NFL start wasn't exactly a rousing success. In the Bears' 20-17 prime time loss to the Vikes, the first year QB went 12 for 25 for 128 yards, one TD and one INT (which pretty much sealed the W for Minnesota.) But on the bright side for Chicago? At least their defense managed to sack Sam Bradford four times - although that same defense's inability to drag down Case Keenum does raise some intriguing questions.

#30
San Francisco 49ers (0-5)
Season Point Differential: -31

The Niners are still winless following their 26-23 overtime loss to the Colts. Brian Hoyer actually played pretty well in the losing effort, though, going 29 for 46 for 353 yards and two touchdown passes, with top receiver Marquise Goodwin recording 116 yards on just five catches. Still, San Fran's rushing attack is plum pitiful, racking up a measly 66 yards of ground offense on the day, while allowing the Colts to out-run them for 159.
#31
New York Giants (0-5)
Season Point Differential: -40

 I know what you're thinking. The Giants, a trendy pre-season pick to win the NFC East, are now 0-5. How can things possibly get any worse? Well, I'll answer that one for you in haiku form:
Odell Beckham's leg
Snaps like twig in tornado
Now out for season
#32
Cleveland Browns (0-5)
Season Point Differential: -47

The Browns lost yet another close one over the weekend, dropping a tough 17-14 loss to the Jets. DeShone Kizer got benched after going eight for 17 for 87 yards and an INT, and backup Kevin Hogan DID play noticeably better, finishing the game 16 for 19 for 194 yards and two TD passes. And their run game did outpace the Jets by a 140-yard-to-34 margin, which sorta begs the question: is this team actually TRYING to lose as many games as possible, as some sort of weird performance art piece or something?

Thursday, July 20, 2017

B-Movie Review: Beer (1985)

It's a mid-'80s comedy that aspires to make fun of the television advertising industry. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way it forgot the part about being funny.


By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

 Satire ain't easy. That's why for every legitimately great work like Look Who's Back and Four Lions we've got about 20 Canadian Bacons,  30 American Dreamz and I'll be goddamned if it isn't about 40 or 50 Americathons. 

 The problem with satires is that people STILL overlook that thing that makes satires work. A good 95 percent of Hollywood satires are all firmly tongue-in-cheek and exude an air of smug superiority over the content they're mocking or parodying. The movies like to think they don't exist in a vacuum and that not only are they smarter than the stuff they're making fun of, they also think they're smarter than the audience itself. Just take a look at something like Borat, a film that - when it was initially released - was praised as a revolutionary comedic masterpiece but ten years down the road feels dated and has lost almost all of its initial shock value.

 You see, the key to a good satire can be found in the greatest satirical work of 'em all, Johnny Swift's A Modest Proposal. What made that satire work was what makes all satires work - simply put, people didn't know it was a satire. If you come out with an over-the-top premise and present it as prima facie absurd - a.k.a, what South Park does - you're defeating the purpose. So many would-be comedians think "satire" is just winking at the audience and creating material that posits itself as intelligent and self-enlightened. WRONG. Satire is meant to make a fool of the crowd and stir within them misplaced emotions. The whole point is to make them think what you're presenting is valid or sincere, and the intrinsic comedy of the situation is the audience reacting to the material as if it was 100 percent serious. 

 People honestly thought Johnny Swift wanted people to eat babies. People honestly thought Daniel Defoe wanted to imprison the homeless and orphans. People honestly thought Bernie Mandeville wanted publicly-subsidized whorehouses. And that's precisely what made them good satires ... because people completely missed their inherent comedy. 

 And the same principle holds true for the cinematic form. So many self-declared satires have come down the pipes over the decades, but the absolute best satires of them all have never been classified as formal comedies. For example, A Clockwork Orange is a tremendous satire about changing sexual mores and the psychiatricization of society, but hardly anybody would label the film "funny." The same holds true for Robocop, which to this day remains the greatest Marxist criticism of the free market ever ... yes, even better than Das Kapital, IMHO. Yet even the greatest "pure" comedy satires of the 20th century - Blazing Saddles and The Kentucky Fried Movie immediately spring to mind - likewise work because they fool the audience into thinking the material is something drastically different than what the filmmakers are really showing them. 

 In that, box office non-factor Beer from 1985 is the epitome of a failed Hollywood satire. It's a movie that thinks its perspective on television marketing is so enlightened and above the pitiful considerations of the aggregate American pleb, when absolutely nothing it throws on screen is anything we haven't already thought ourselves a million times before while taking quicker than expected shits. This is the kind of movie that has just convinced itself it's skewering its intended target to death and there's no way said target can ever recover from the lambasting (perhaps what today we call "the Drumpf factor.") It's a film so preoccupied with appearing informed and above the material it's mocking that along the way, it forgets to demonstrate any greater common truths about the human experience that makes us laugh. The Marx Brothers figured that out. Charlie Chaplin figured that out. Preston Sturges figured that out, and this was all before World War II. Beer is a movie that in no way, shape or form attempts to form some sort of communique with the audience, instead blasting its winded diatribe for an hour and a half like some sort of unfunny space heater. And for that, this 32-year-old relic of the Reagan Years is more than worthy of revisiting, if only to demonstrate to young up-and-coming auteurs everything you DON'T want to do as an alleged comedic filmmaker. 

The film begins proper with this Germanic beer baron watching an actual Michelob Light commercial. He's pissed because his marketing firm can't make commercials that good, so every body in the office gets a memo telling them to drag their lily-livered asses into the executive boardroom. 

 Anyhoo, sales for Norbecker Beer are plummeting and the CEO (named Mr. Femur, or something that kinda' sounds like it) just berates the shit out of his crew. A creative director pitches an ad featuring construction workers drinking beer and he gets shit canned. Then LORETTA SWIT (yep, Hot Lips from MASH) proposes they trot out a new "everyman" spokes-character - "A man's man that every guy can relate to ... a man driven to individuality when society demands conformity." Damn, she reminds me of Dr. Blight from Captain Planet. I mean, a lot. 

 So the CEO signs off on the idea, even though he's not entirely sure what she's talking about. Then Loretta and RIP TORN walk around New York talking about ad ideas while people break dance on the city streets. Torn (his in-universe name is Buzz) is apparently a washed-up, alcoholic old actor. Meanwhile, two guys who just lost their jobs drink foamy beer at a bar. Then David Alan Grier walks into a law firm and asks if he can get an advance and his boss tells him to stay in bankruptcy so it gives him experience handling his own case.

 Rip goes into the bar and a real Budweiser commercial plays in the background. Then Grier and the two unemployed guys from earlier start drinking together (and for maximum guffaws, I'm pretty sure the unemployed cowboy guy is the dad from Boy Meets World.) Anyway, there's an armed robbery and Rip asks the gunman why he doesn't just go home and shoot himself, than an old drunk throws the would-be robber's gun back in his face and Grier and the two unemployed dudes tackle him. A follow-up broadcast let us know he killed four dudes at a drive-in theater last year, and Norbecker, of course, offers the three dudes who tackled them jobs as ad characters.
Long story short: if it's a comedy about boozing it up and it DOESN'T star W.C. Fields, cash your chips in early, boys - it's guaranteed to suck a big one.

Grier argues with his wife about leaving his job as a bankruptcy lawyer. "I worked my whole life to keep big radios off your shoulders," he tells his boombox carrying kids. Elsewhere, the Italian bush-headed ad guy is at a wedding or a dinner or something and staring at this one chick who - if I know Italians they way I think I know Italians - is prolly his underage cousin. His grandpa is apparently some mafia heavy hitter. You can tell because they start playing The Godfather-like music as soon as he rolls into the shot.

 We've got another meeting with the beer baron guy. He says all beer is the same, referring to it as "fermented, piss colored water." He has apprehensions about banking an entire ad campaign on virtual unknowns and Swit assuages him by saying America wants average Joes instead of has-been football players. And during the spiel, one dude almost chokes to death on a grape, because apparently, somebody thinks that's just funny as shit. 

 The cowboy guy talks to Swit about getting his car out of an impound lot for $75. I think she's trying to seduce him, but he's just too stupid to pick up on her advances. For the first commercial, the ad company actually bails out the guy who shot up the bar to reprise his role. But, uh, didn't he kill a whole shit load of people, though? Damn, now that's some clout if you can spring a nigga' from death row just to make a stupid advertisement. 

 We see the full commercial, which is an exaggerated pastiche of what actually happened in the robbery. And it goes on for like three minutes. A bunch of drunk bums at a bar say they love the ad and demand the bartender start stocking Norbecker. Then there's a fist fight because one of them called the other a communist and from there we've got ourselves a full-on barroom brawl while the cheesy commercial music plays in the background. Oh, and there's a midget running around doing stuff, too, because ... the director REALLY wanted a midget in there somewhere, I suppose?

 Time for a montage of commercials being filmed. The actors are featured on People magazine and apparently, the cowboy guy is sleeping with Hot Lips now. At the next boardroom meeting, another exec forces a woman to shotgun a beer and talks about its implied sexual overtones. Than Hot Lips tells Grier he isn't black enough so he starts watching Def Comedy Jam to sound more like a brotha'. He even practices saying "shee-it" over and over again in a mirror. He shows up for the next commercial dressed like he's in RUN-DMC and calls everbody a blood. Then he break dances, terribly. "When I said black, I didn't mean "black-black," Hot Lips admonishes him.
The dad from Boy Meets World, Blankman's brother and some generic dago - talk about a dream ensemble!

The marketers are worried because women only represent 20 percent of the brand's base consumers, so Hot Lips creates an ad where the trio drives off for a fishing trip with a new catchphrase - "whip out your Norbecker" - and it looks like they are holding a Hispanic woman hostage and forcing her to give the cowboy a hummer against her will. Naturally, the womenfolk ain't too keen on the ad, so the three guys have to go on a Phil Donahue-like talk show except they spend the entire appearance just talking mad shit about feminists in the audience and it's just super. 

 The Italian guy goes to confession and tells the priest he can't get his cock up no more. Then the next commercial's tagline is revealed: "I can always get a better girl but I can't get a better beer." The CEO unveils plans to conquer the European market, and it's supposed to sound Hitler-esque because back then, it was OK to laugh about Nazis. Then Grier turns into a slob who just sits around drinking beer and watching TV all day. He sees an ad where he's wearing a Hugh Hefner robe and hanging out with a fine black gal, and then his wife bonks him over the head with a beer bottle because domestic violence is HIGH-LARIOUS when the aggressor is a woman.

 Now the feminists have come out in full force to protest Norbecker. Hot Lips says every time they open their mouths, sales go up by a half point. By now, the brand almost has a 50 percent market share. "Divorce, violence in the streets," she says, "we're doing great!"

 Then we get this LONG subplot about Rip Torn and the guys getting lost in the desert. Hot Lips suggests they pump the media well dry by taking advantage of their disappearance. Rip films them while they climb over rocks and shit, then the actors wander through the desert half-dead from dehydration. When they are finally rescued, they all have insane sun burns. Well, except for the black guy, but that kinda' goes without saying.

 The ad execs review the footage from the desert and decide to recreate the whole affair on a sound stage. Rip Torn is fired and he stumbles into a giant ice bucket. LOL, that is totally hilarious ... NOT. Then the actors get upset and walk off the set, and the cowboy guy says Hot Lips has turned into a fake just like in the commercials she makes. Regardless, she wins a Clio award (a real award for commercials, in case you didn't know) and Grier turns into a full-blown alcohol that gets tossed out of bars for trying to start shit. He unwittingly walks into a gar bar and starts singing songs about turkeys with leather bears, then a barroom brawl breaks out. The whole thing becomes  a great big scandal and beer sales plummet. Alas, the incident gives Norbecker's CEO an idea for a new marketing campaign - one that involves him sitting in a sauna with a bunch of homosexuals drinking light beer. The new catchphrase? "Take it in the bottle or the can!" 

 So Grier becomes a normal family man again, the Italian guy moves back in with his huge ass family and the cowboy dude gets his car back. And that's the end of the line, folks - an engrossing grand finale, to be sure. 
I wouldn't tap it pre-MASH and I sure as hell wouldn't tap it post-MASH, neither.

Well, that was all shades of mediocre, wasn't it? Per the IMDB, this is the only movie directed by Patrick Kelly and it was the first writing gig for Allen Weisbecker - a dude who would then go on to write a couple of episodes of Miami Vice and that's about it. 

 Strangely enough, the movie represents rare misses for two of the finest technical wizards in Hollywood history. Believe it or not, the movie's cinematographer Bill Butler also worked on Jaws, Grease and Child's Play, while the music was supplied by none other than BILL FUCKING CONTI, a.k.a they guy that gave us the single greatest soundtrack in motion picture history. I guess I could say it's surprising that guys with such exemplary track records turned in such underwhelming work here, but then again, considering the source material, did anybody REALLY expect them to bring their A game with them?

 I couldn't find any substantial box office data on the film, but I guess it's safe to assume it didn't exactly make a killing at theaters. Even worse, the movie didn't even become a late night cable staple, leaving it an untouched obscurity destined to collect dust at mom and pop video stores from coast to coast for the better part of two decades. Pretty much everybody in the cast went on to do bigger and better things - yes, even Rip "Freddy Got Fingered" Torn - but I doubt any actor or actress in the film has any worthwhile recollections of working on the film. I, for one, can't wait to bump into David Alan Grier and grill him about his performance in this flick - how long do you think it'll be before he tries to floor me with a left hook? 

 So, all in all, Beer is a real throwaway of a movie, whose inherent forgettableness makes it a great companion piece alongside such equally unimportant '80s comedies as Million Dollar Mystery and The Pope Must Die. 

 It's not a downright awful movie, but it doesn't really have any saving graces, either. Like a flat can of Budweiser, this movie is just there, occupying space as a reminder that you could be enjoying far better things in life. Like musicals about dancing Pakistani terrorists on a mission to assassinate Salman Rushdie - we could all certainly use more films of the like in our day-to-day lives, no? 

Saturday, October 1, 2016

This Week in Social Justice Warrior-Dom

A fond look back at all the things that had ultra-P.C. jihadists OUTRAGED ... before they forget all about them just a week later.


By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo__X

Racism is absolutely NOT TOLERATED (except...)

 One of the great truths of reality/adulthood you have to accept - sooner or later - is the idea that "freedom" and "equality" are totally incompatible ideals. Granted, you can have absolute, unfettered freedom (i.e., the ability to do whatever the hell you want and make money off of it, just as long as you aren't committing crimes in the process) but it comes at the expense of egalitarianism - meaning, the haves are pretty much given free rein to run roughshod over the have-nots, who, in the absence of some overarching governmental superstructure, are left to their own devices to thrive and survive (of course, whether or not that's a long overdue policy shift or a genocidal act, naturally, depends on your own personal perspective.) The flip side to that, however, is that in a state of true equality, no such thing as "liberty" - i.e., the personal right to pursue whatever one desires, profit off one's sojourns and be left the hell alone - can ever possibly exist. To guarantee "equal opportunities," you would have to erect the most massive, oppressive totalitarian regime in the history of humanity, an Orwellian nightmare that intrudes into virtually every aspect of social life. We're talking massive wealth redistribution, affirmative action on steroids, a deluge of new taxes and some sort of towering governmental agency that makes sure the socioeconomic playing field remains level at all times. Logically, this means the best course of action is to strive for some sort of compromise - in essence, a social system that incorporates some equality-insuring measures, but not so many that it allows governments to literally pick and choose who succeeds or fails financially and deprives citizens of their basic human rights to think whatever the fuck they want to think without fear of being exiled to the gulags. 

 And that's where America's favorite hot button social issue comes into play - good old fashioned, insanely-hard-to-technically-define racism. 

 Now, we here at The Internet Is In America have talked about racism (and especially the media's infatuation with perpetuating it as an issue that, indeed, may not be as omnipresent as they suggest) until we are collectively blue in the face. What continues to fascinate me, however, is just how selective the media is when it comes to publicizing "racist incidents" to the masses. In short? For whatever reason, the stewards of media seem suspiciously hell-bent on showcasing stories about white individuals saying and doing racist things, but at the same time, they also seem hell-bent on steering clear of any and all episodes and incidents of black people saying undeniably racist things about white folks. 

 Case in point? The unabashed "agenda-setting" mechanism sometimes called Twitter put a story about a Belmont University freshman declaring several members of the Philadelphia Eagles to be - and I quote - "piece of shit niggers" who "deserve "a damn bullet in the head"  - front and center on their website. As in, of all the major global events going on in the world - the war in Syria, the presidential election, the fact that some guy tried to blow up people in New York over the weekend and Wells Fargo being embroiled in the biggest financial institution scam since the Great Recession - played second fiddle to this extremely isolated, niche-interest non-story that, quite frankly, personally impacts no one BESIDES the person who got ousted from his university for posting the comments online. Keep in mind, this wasn't some organically driven topic main-paged because of the company's hashtag algorithms - somebody at Twitter literally decided that this story should take utmost primacy over ALL OTHER WORLDLY doings, with no other clear-cut motivation other than to turn the incredibly insignificant trifle (and yes, compared to millions of people living in slavery in India, Venezuela on the cusp of revolution and Zimbabwe citizens slowly starving to death because of Robert Mugabe's insanity, it IS an incredibly insignificant, trifling issue) into something that would have people across the globe yammering on and on about - what else? - that darned old specter of racism that continues to loom large in the United States. 

 Of course, never mind the fact that international polls reveal United States people to be the least racist peoples on the planet. Never mind the fact that there hasn't been a single recorded lynching in the United States since 1981. And definitely never mind the fact that, in these United States, black people are 500 percent likelier to violently attack, rape or kill white people than the other way around. What I want to know is, how come a story about some dickhead at a Christian university getting expelled because he said the dreaded "n" word and made a vague - yet technically First Amendment protected - threat against people because he didn't like their personal actions became a mass-media-promoted, international news item while none of the incidents or episodes below remained local and regional level stories?

 Why wasn't it international news when a Sandra Bland protester said "you mother-fuckers thought we should be killed when ya'll came and stole us from Africa and put us in chains and murdered us for over 400 years, so yeah, you do need to die?"

 Why wasn't it international news when a 21-year-old student upset over the Laquan McDonald shooting threatened to waltz into the University of Chicago and kill 16 white males "to do my part to rid the world of white devils?"

 Why wasn't it international news when an Economic Freedom Fighters Student Command senior official in South Africa said "Fuck white people. Just get me a bazooka or AK-47 so I can do the right thing and kill these demon possessed humans?"

 Why wasn't it international news when Black Lives Matter activists proudly declared "we should never affirm white life" during a Harvard debate?

 Why wasn't it international news when a black student assaulted a white student at San Francisco State University because she thought his dreadlocks were racist?

 Why wasn't it international news when Corey Batey raped a 21-year-old woman, explaining his actions as "that's for 400 years of slavery, you bitch?"

Honestly, I have nary a clue, other than the fact that the mainstream news outlets - and yes, let's face it, Facebook and Twitter have just as much culture-framing power as CNN and The New York Times, if not substantially more so - desperately, direly want to keep the great U.S. race debate extraordinarily one-sided, with whites always the clear-cut oppressors and blacks always the clear-cut victims. Whether that's for the sake of sensationalism or to achieve some underhanded political goal, I'm not sure, but regardless of the reasoning, there's no denying that the media powers-that-be are irrationally, suspiciously averse to any sort of coverage that dare insinuates that, golly gee, honkies can be the victims of racist oppression, just as much as the black folks, and sweet sufferin' succotash, black folks can be just as dogmatically and illogically prejudiced as their mayonnaise-hued brethren.  

 And really, where's the equality in that, guys? 

Time to reset the "Great Racial War of 2016" clock...

It's been a couple of weeks since the U.S. of A has had itself a good-old fashioned racial riot, so thank goodness the fine, upstanding citizens of North Carolina decided to break up all of that "domestic tranquility" monotony in the wake of the police-involved shooting of Keith Scott - certainly not the monstrous type of brute to have a restraining order taken out against him because he threatened to kill his entire household in 2015 - who was just reading a book when some damned old racist police man waltzed on over to him and filled him with hot lead, because white supremacy, that's why. Of course, it means precious little that Scott did indeed have a stolen firearm on him at the time of his death, nor does it matter one iota that the police officer who fired the lethal shot was himself an African-American ... once you've got a good narrative a spoolin', why let pesky, troublesome things like "facts" and "reality" ruin the fiction you've convinced yourself is god-given truth? As anticipated, in the wake of the shooting the streets of Charlotte became a sort of Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome urban warzone, with predominantly black protesters proudly engaging in their constitutionally protected right to peaceably assemble ... which lasted all of about, I don't know, five minutes before demonstrators started shooting each other, reporters started getting punched live on air, white people were being dragged into parking lots and mercilessly pummeled in six on one maulings, dozens of people started tossing rocks and explosives at police cruisers and transfer trucks were being set on fire and looted on the Interstate. Of course, rather than acknowledge the absurd and undeniably racist notion that some of these "demonstrators" don't give a shit about public policy reform and are just there to royally fuck shit up under the false pretense of moral righteousness, the mainstream media/social media masses continue to cook up the same old halfhearted excuses and deflections - usually, by means of the ironically super racist reasoning that after being deprived for so long, what options does the black community have other than unfettered, unrestrained mass mob violence? Meanwhile, the CNNs and Huffington Posts of the world have done an outstanding job shying away from an altogether different story - this one, involving the brutal slaying of Caucasian cop Kenneth Steil at the hands of African-American murderer Marquise Cromer. Funny how when the shoe is slipped on the proverbial other foot, you don't get any of the same collateral unpleasantness - the broken windows, the public beat-downs, the burning cop cars, and that marvelous scent of tear gas and freshly spilled plasma filling the evening air - isn't it? Hell, maybe the police ought to start rioting whenever one of their arbitrarily defined select in-group members get gunned down - naturally, using the "well, they victimized us first!" rationale for setting an entire metropolitan statistical area on fire. 

Remember kids: it's not really racism
unless the person you beat half to death
actually dies. 
New study reveals majority of Americans - of all races - do not believe being "prejudiced" makes you a "bad person"

Remember a couple years back, when I made the downright insane suggestion that, while "racism" may be bad, it's certainly not as bad as other things, like rape, murder and abandoning your children? Well, as it turns out, my downright unconscionable hypothesis appears to have been validated by, of all things, The Huffington Post. In a YouGov poll conducted Sept. 10 - 12, 1,000 U.S. adults were asked, point blank, if they believed that people who held the incredibly ill-defined "negative views" of Muslims, black people, gays (but strangely enough, not lesbians or transgenders), women or immigrants were, and I quote, "a bad person." Now, one can - and most certainly should - have some reservations about the usage of such incredibly subjective, abstract and non-scientific terms like "bad person" and "negative views" in said study, but the results were nonetheless interesting. In all, the range of respondents who thought someone who fostered "negative views" of the aforementioned special interests group ran only 10 to 16 percent, while the total number of respondents who said fostering such views may be prejudiced, but don't necessarily makes someone a "bad person" ran the gamut from 51 to 59 percent. And perhaps most intriguingly, the total number of respondents who said that fostering a personal disliking of any of the "protected classes" listed above didn't make someone a bad person nor prejudicial, definitionally, ran from 23 to 32 percent of all respondents. Drilling down into the meat of the data, however, reveals some truly unexpected results. As it turns out, just 19 percent of Hispanic poll takers thought individuals who fostered unfavorable thoughts about immigrants were unquestionably bad people, while 21 percent of Hispanic respondents thought that didn't make people "bad" or prejudicial (and by the way, 37 percent of black respondents agreed with that assertion, compared to 28 percent of white respondents.) And hey, speaking of the arbitrarily-defined African American contingent, hold on to your hats, folks, 'cause barely a quarter of black respondents said they thought disliking black people automatically made someone a bad person, compared to 21 percent who said it didn't make them bad or prejudiced and a whopping 46 percent who said it may make someone prejudicial, but being prejudicial still doesn't necessarily mean a person is "bad."

 So what's the big takeaway from all of this? Maybe - just maybe - a plurality of Americans, no matter their age, race, sex, national origin, sexual orientation, religion, region, socioeconomic status or political identification - just don't give that much of a fuck if people are bigots are not. Which, of course, means it's the media's job to continue to stir the proverbial shit pot over and over and over again until all of us dim, unenlightened folks realize the error of our ways. 

Cracked finally goes into full-SJW mode and publishes questionable "satire" condemning the alt-right

Two of the saddest "cuckenings," if you will, that I've witnessed over the last couple of  years have been the slow, painful deterioration of the formerly outstanding websites Snopes and Cracked into unabashed, pro-P.C., hyper-liberal sounding boards. The same way what was once our favorite go-to-source for debunking outlandish chain e-mail claims was absolutely ruined by avowed liberal feminist Kim Lacapria, Cracked has surely but slowly devolved from a perspective-neutral comedy site highlighted by the keen, apolitical observations of bona-fide humorists like Sean Baby and John Cheese into a ranting, raving, anti-anti-SJW skein of fuming liberal resentment masquerading as culturally conscious parody. Perhaps an effort to out-victimize Time columnist Joel Stein, Cracked scribe Robert Evans - who, in the past has published glaringly brazen character assassination jobs disguised as humor, to the point of putting absurdly sensationalist, ridiculously untrue assertions in the freakin' HEADLINES of his articles (hate to break it to you, kiddo, but there hasn't been an actual Nazi walking around God's green earth since 1945) - took a big fat shit on the Internet with his reverse magnum opus "5 Things You Learn Being Attacked By The Alt-Right," published/shat out Sept. 20. Among the highlights of Evans' utterly humorless cry-for-help?


So what's the point of Evans' meandering, hypocritical, fantastically fallacious screed? Well, considering the incredible amount of unprovable conjecture and flat out lies contained therein, it's most certainly not to inform, and with its grave, alarmist tone, it most definitely isn't intended to entertain, either. Indeed, Evans little tirade is nothing more than brass-balled SJW propaganda, through and through, with the only palpable takeaway being the fact that this kid is mighty miffed that - have mercy - other people are now doing the same thing his ideological kin have being doing for decades. And you know what makes him the maddest about that? The fact that, quite frankly, the dastardly, dangerous "alt right" miasma is doing a much better job applying the merciless, opposition-squelching tactics pioneered by the vaunted, venerable forefathers of the political correctness movement half a century ago than his liberal contemporaries could ever possibly fathom. 

President of students' union says college is "psychologically destructive" because it forces students to learn about white people ... and somehow, that's still not the craziest thing she believes

Malia Bouattia, 28, is the first National Union of Students president to be female, black and Muslim at the same time. That last part is an important distinction, because as we all know, mouth-foaming identity politics is the best - nay, THE ONLY way - to bring about post-racial harmony, from sea to shining sea. In a recent interview with The Guardian, she recently took the U.K. higher education system to task, stating "when we look at the incredibly Eurocentric curriculum, where people don't see themselves in what they're studying, and can't relate to it, and feel that their European counterparts hit the ground running, they can't see themselves advancing in the subjects ... and have they had a positive experience, being forced to engage with content that doesn't relate to them, and perhaps is psychologically destructive?"

Now, never mind the logical shortcomings of Bouattia's argument (for one thing, no one is "forced to engage with content," seeing as how you have the option to choose which classes you participate in and can always drop out of them - and I'm pretty sure the courses are "Eurocentric" because, get this, THE U.K. IS IN FUCKING EUROPE.) And never mind that, using Bouattia's logic, white students shouldn't have to undergo any diversity workshops or multiculturalism-espousing courses because, in her own words "being forced to engage with content that doesn't relate to them" is "psychologically destructive." Instead, let's take a look at Bouattia's own remarks during her tenure in the NUS. The highlights?


So, yeah, seems to me this Bouattia broad is the perfect person to speak out about the "psychological destruction" of academia. After all, she does appear to be the one leading the charge, don't she? 

California prepares the next generation of engineers, doctors, lawyers and politicians by telling them the word "edgy" is a hate crime ... and then they give them ball pits to play in

It's no surprise that colleges in the U.S. nowadays have been pretty much held hostage at gunpoint by the barons of political correctness. Indeed, this state-funded, taxpayer-subsidized Tao of inclusivity, diversity and multiculturalism has more or less become a bona fide government-mandated religion, with university "diversity officers" effectively serving as the hybrid high priest/SS commanders of our one truly perfect ideology. Naturally, the point of this new-wave (anti)liberalism isn't to free the minds of our gilded youth and inspire them to be high achievers, but indeed turn them into staunch Red Guards constantly on the prowl for excuses to explain away their own failures and shortcomings as individuals. Examples of the mass infantilization and cognitive sterilization of America's college-aged youths abound (the University of Houston's diversity officer vying for a non-existent "emotional safety kit" for students, Florida State advisers suggesting the American flag be replaced by the #BlackLivesMatter banner, the University of Minnesota instructing its librarians to report any "microaggressions" they overhear, etc.) but it's going to be difficult finding one as on the nose as a recent episode at California State University-Northridge, which dedicated an entire week to campus events revolving around their ongoing "inclusive language" campaign. During the festivities (which cost state taxpayers a good $1,000), students were invited to spin a wheel and "discuss their feelings" about a litany of terms and phrases, with the endgame, apparently, being to teach students to consider fairly innocuous words and sayings like "man up," "crazy," "ditzy," "edgy" and even 100 percent factual descriptions like "bi-polar" and "illegal immigrant" as unutterables on the same level as "bitch," "whore, "slut" and "fag." But that - believe it or not - isn't the most lamentable thing about the squandering of public monies. No, that would be the fact that CSU-N actually went out and rented a ball pit - charmingly rechristened as a "vent tent" - for its adult students to play in during the week-long series. Because nothing, I suppose, says "we truly value you as the next great leaders of America" quite like treating them like literal special-ed children. 
An update on a police-involved homicide the media - for some reason - didn't want to discuss


Nope. No racial tribalism on display here.
None, whatsoever.
Unless you've been living under a rock (no offense to real crustaceans who actually live under rocks ... we here at IIIA never want to be deemed "arthropodphobic"), you've probably heard quite a bit about the shooting death of Alfred Okwera Olango - who, depending on which website you are visiting, was either having an epileptic attack or, perhaps due to some developmental or behavioral disorder, decided to point his vaping instrument in "a shooting stance" - by El Cajon, Calif. police officers. As has been the case with practically every police-involved shooting involving an unarmed black person since 2014, the cable news juggernaut and social media Wehrmacht went into a tizzy over the episode, with - of course - prolonged, 100 percent peaceful protests dragging out over the better part of a week. While the facts of that particular incident are being pieced together, the media-sphere has all but ignored another police-involved shooting - this one, involving two officers in Louisiana who fatally gunned down an autistic 6-year-old child. Indeed, the two officers, Derrick Stafford and Norris Greenhouse, were recently formally charged with homicide for their part in the Nov. 2015 death of Jeremy Mardis, a kindergarten-aged passenger in father Christopher Few's vehicle. While Few managed to survive being shot several times by the policemen, his six-year-old son wasn't so lucky - according to investigators, the teeny-tiny tot was riddled with five bullets from officers who claimed they didn't know there was a second person in the car. Well, a judge in late September released footage from the incident, and it didn't take long for him to throw the book at Greenhouse and Stafford. Not only did the presiding judge say that they used excessive force (no shit), they never even had a valid reason for pulling over Few in the first place (in fact, not only did Few not attempt to sideswipe their cruiser, like the officers stated, Few didn't even have any active warrants out for his arrest.) And making things even worse? At the time of Few's shooting, he clearly, unmistakably, had his hands in the air. Naturally, one wonders why the Huffington Posts and CNNs and BuzzFeeds and especially the more adamant #BlackLivesMatter organizations haven't hopped all over the case, as it's just about the most blatant, cut-and-dry example of unquestionable police brutality any of us will likely ever see. Surely, the nation's anti-police, pro-social justice masses aren't avoiding the case because it involves two black officers killing a white child and as such lacks an easily exploitable race-baiting angle to their benefit, right? 

This week's top ten black-on-white violent crime countdown!

Yes, I know, it's a stat I, too, get tired of repeating, but as the great British journalist C.P. Scott famously remarked, "comment is free, but facts are sacred." And - as much as we hate it and don't want to think about it - the hard, F.B.I. data tells us, point-blank, that in the U.S. of A, black people are five times likelier to commit a violent crime against a white person than become the victim of a violent crime at the hands of white people - a rather astonishing feat, seeing as how there are approximately five times as many white people in the U.S. than there are black people. As such, The Internet Is In America feels it is both our journalistic and civic obligation to recap all of the strangely under-reported black-on-white crime that transpires in America - but because we're kind of morbid assholes, we choose to do so in a sardonic, Casey Kaseem-inspired countdown format. And with those caveats out of the way, whose ready to get on with the LITERAL honkey bashing (and raping, and torturing, and murdering?)

10. On Sept. 13, 44-year-old Marc LaQuon Payne drove his car through a gas station in an apparent (read: obvious) attempt to murder three police officers gathered outside the QuikTrip (who, as fate would have it, were all white.) While all three officers sustained injuries (one had a broken leg and another was hospitalized over night), amazingly, none of them died in the heinous (hate?) crime. Payne - who was arrested 20 years ago for trying to fist fight officers during a traffic stop - is now staring down three counts of attempted homicide, and hopefully, won't be seeing the light of day for a long time to come.

 09. In a small city south of London, an unnamed 15-year-old girl was brutally mauled by a gang of five other teenage girls on Sept. 13. The victim, who was allegedly attacked because she refused to help the gang attack another girl, had her skull cracked open and received two black eyes. Of course, kids being kids these days, the attackers uploaded the brutal beatdown to the Internet, because man, what a great way to not get arrested for trying to stomp a minor to death. 

08. On Sept. 23, a man was attacked in a New York deli by a knife-wielding man who police say made several "anti-white" remarks before slashing an innocent, 40-year-old bystander. The suspect - is seen in the security camera footage here - remains on the lam. 

07. On Sept. 20, Jonathan Brenton, 48, was found shot to death in his Jacksonville, Fla. home. Police suspect the homicide is anything but a coincidence, as he was set to testify against Jecorian McCray, who is on trial for burglarizing Brenton's home earlier this year. McCray and his brother (the potential gunman?) are known to be good friends with Brenton's daughter, who was hospitalized at a drug recovery program at the time of the first robbery. So yeah ... you can fill in the blanks there, I suppose. 

06. In Lehigh, N.Y., 28-year-old Terrell Barclay turned himself into police approximately four months after he killed three people - including Ashlee Mosher, 29, and Amanda Martin, 26 - in a drunk driving "mishap." According to police, Barclay's BAC was more than double the legal limit and he was traveling upwards of 100 miles per hour at the time of the fiery accident. Barclay - who was hideously burned in the accident - spent two months in a coma, only to have fled from police the moment he awoke.

05. Police in Oklahoma City are on the lookout for 35-year-old David Steven Blair, who last April, killed three people - including a two-year-old child - in a wrong-way I-35 collision. While hospitalized for his injuries, officials found PCP, marijuana and benzodiazepam in his system. He has been on the lam ever since he was formally charged with a three separate counts of second-degree murder. 

 04. On Sept. 22, 67-year-old Charles Dukes was found dead in a secluded field in Jackson, Miss., apparently the victim of a fatal gunshot to the back of his head. Police arrested Rashaun Crowley and Kenjarell Thomas four days later for their part in the capital homicide. I'll let you determine for yourself what's worse: that it was the city's 50th murder of the year so far or that one of the murder suspect is just 16-years-old. 

03. It takes a really big man to stab a 71-year-old, dependent on an oxygen machine, no less, to death in a home invasion. And apparently, even a task that simplistic was too much for accused murderer Aaron Lee Pearson, a 23-year-old charged with killing Norman Hall earlier this month in the suburbs of Louisville, Ky. Per police, an unnamed juvenile female also helped Pearson carry out the task, because man, is it ever the workout butchering a defenseless septuagenarian, apparently. It's a lot sadder - and sicker - when you learn that the murderous duo wound up killing a senior citizen for what was effectively less than $500 in stolen goods. 

02. On Sept. 20, 54-year-old Kevin Reid was shot and killed during an armed robbery on the streets of Savannah, Ga. According to police, he and his wife were attacked by "three black males," who, as of publication time, remain on the lam. The murder is the 42nd of the year for the coastal Georgia city, which last year, posted 53 total homicides - a sum surpassing the annual state-wide homicides of Rhode Island, Vermont and New Hampshire combined.

...and the no. 1 instance of black people committing horrific crimes against white people goes to...

01. ...18-year-old Perry James Ford of Pensacola, Fla.! He recently turned himself into police for his part in the slaying of Carolyn Barnes in her own home Sept. 10. And if that sounds, I don't know, a little vanilla, please keep in mind that the victim was 75-years-old. While specifics on how or why Ford (allegedly) offed the senior citizen remain under wraps, we do know that Ford already had a warrant out for grand theft, "uttering a forged instrument" and was considered armed and dangerous by the local P.D. No word yet from President Obama on whether or not if he had a son, he would look a lot like Perry James Ford, though. 
[NOTE: And if for some reason all of the factually indisputable incidents listed above have upset you, please do remember that The Internet Is In America is more than willing to publish any user-submitted content effectively and accurately constituting the converse of 'This Week in Social Justice Warrior-dom,' i.e., a similar "This Week in Alt-Right Racist Bullshit" column. If you're willing to write it, we're willing to take a gander at it, and if it's truthful, entertaining and written in at least halfway legible English, we'll post it. Feel free to send your submissions here, kids! - THX, MGMT.]
YouTube unveils new reporting system that in no way, shape or form could ever be weaponized for political censorship
For years and years, YouTube was the proverbial Wild West of the Internet, the last, untainted frontier were people could say whatever the hell they wanted, to whoever the hell they wanted, without having to worry about any consequences whatsoever. Death threats, rape threats, racial slurs, misogyny, antisemitism, homophobia, cooking recipes, it was all pretty much fair game. Alas, the video service included a built-in mechanism that helped deter the especially caustic comments - rather simplistically, video account holders could flag offensive statements, ban individual users from commenting on their videos, and with one click of the button, immediately remove anything - positive, negative or neutral - that anyone left on their channel. Alas, the suits that are at YouTube - a subsidiary of the Googol-pus that is Google - decided recently that, by golly, that just wasn't enough to keep hurtful, hateful and "harmful" comments of videos. Their solution? A new program called "YouTube Heroes," which effectively allows "approved" users to become the Internet equivalent of hall monitors, with the ability to add their own captions to other users' videos (uh-oh), "report inappropriate videos accurately" (double uh-oh) and ... gulp ... mass flag videos for T.O.S. violations. Of course, the almighty Goog has said nothing of how this crowd-sourced content monitoring program will be structured so as to prevent idealistic "Heroes" from simply eliminating all of the videos/users whose ideals don't gel with their own, nor the basic requirements for who can be a "Hero," what the scope of their power is and - the big one, naturally - who and what gets to decide what's "unworthy" of public dissemination? 

To give you a good idea just how well-received the new program is by the YouTube masses, the "Getting Started with YouTube Heroes" trailer currently has only 42 times more thumbs down ratings than thumbs ups. And, considering the whole "YouTube Heroes" program is anchored around curtailing "inappropriate speech," of course YouTube itself had to close down the comments section on its own fucking video, totally not at all foreshadowing some truly ominous shit on the horizon.

It's finally happened: math has formally been declared "racist"

 Well, you knew it was bound to happen sooner or later. With feminists already declaring the Scientific Method and the idea of "objective truth"to be inherently misogynistic, Cathy O'Neil, Harvard professor and founder of the incredibly mislabeled "Mathbabe.org, recently released a book stating "weapons of math destruction" are being used to deny minorities life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, primarily in the form of higher loan rates, "personality tests" on job applications and recidivism models she claims are all the resultant of inherently prejudicial computer algorithms based on that most malodorous of maladies ... numerically verified, longitudinally-proven, indisputable statistical fact. Of course, rather than take one look at the cold, hard numbers on the spreadsheet before her and say "well, that's the broad-based data we've got," O'Neil instead blames the generalized data sets based on mathematically-verified behaviors for causing the mathematically-verified behaviors to begin with ... which, uh, I'm pretty sure is a major, MAJOR logical fallacy. Now, I'm no Harvard mathematician, but I think I can help Mrs. (oh, who am I kidding ... like anybody would willingly marry this) O'Neil with those troublesome digits: 

So, in other words? The math is nothing more than rock-solid confirmation of the behavioral roots of the "wealth inequality" problem you hear Ivy League elitists alike O'Neill droning on and on about like manic street preachers. And if there was ever a crucial warning that mainstream U.S. culture needs to start recognizing the importance of "self-responsibility" and "self-determination" in individual economic outcomes, I'm pretty sure the moment you literally declare "math is racist" to be the point of no freakin' return.

...and a few headlines that speak for themselves...

Don King accidentally says the word "nigger" during stump speech for Donald Trump

 Hillary Clinton's tech guy apparently went on Reddit and asked for tips on deleting emails

The Supreme Court of Massachusetts rules black people can run away from police if they want to

Volunteer firefighter wrestles would-be elementary school shooter to the ground, saves untold lives in South Carolina

Norfolk rapist convicted of trying to poke victim's eyeballs out with scissors

Detroit man arrested for murdering four step-children in front of estranged wife ... after being freed from prison for killing a pregnant woman in 1991

Afters years of complaints about their films not being culturally diverse enough, Disney forced to yank Moana merchandise from shelves because people think it's racist

Grey's Anatomy star demands black people protest police shootings by refusing to go to work or school...

 ...while an immensely successful real-life black doctor is mercilessly ravaged by Twitter users for "selling out."

 Although black NFL stars are allowed to post images of white cops having their throats slit open on social media, white MLB players are VERBOTEN from criticizing the #BlackLivesMatter movement, because equality

 Florida man arrested for throwing four-year-old infant over fence

F.B.I. reports U.S. homicides increased 10.8 percent from 2014 to 2015

Houston mass shooter wears Nazi paraphernalia, nobody brings up the fact he's Hindu

Turkish man kills five people at Washington mall, media reminds us to not "jump to any conclusions"

The New York Times says affirmative action is bullshit ...  but only when it negatively impacts "overperforming" women in China

Christian rapper convicted of murdering music producer with his car

Amusement park closes attraction because activists says it demeans the mentally insane

Power Rangers tweet criticized for obliquely referencing the automobile accident death of the first Yellow Ranger

18-year-old just released from judge-ordered boot camp shoots and kills party-goer over spilled drink

East Tennessee State University student arrested after showing up at #BlackLivesMatter protest wearing gorilla mask, handing out bananas

11-year-old British child nearly blinded by juvenile bleach attack

Indian man tries to strangle mother to death on camera while wife cheers him on

34-year-old teacher gets 14 years for raping 13-year-old student

DePaul University is now making student groups pay a "free speech" tax

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