Unable to check out tonight's PPV, for whatever stupid ass reason? No problem, homie - our LIVE(ish) play-by-play coverage will keep you in the loop ALL NIGHT LONG.
By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX
Yep, it's another UFC Pay-Per-View spectacular, and top to bottom - on the main card, at least - it's looking to be a good one. Aye, there isn't a shabby looking match-up on the lineup, and the odds that we'll get one or two highlight worthy finishes (and mayhap even a fight of the year contender) seems quite a bit higher than your average old UFC show nowadays.
That said, I ain't gonna' bore you with the basics. By now, you should ALL know the score. See, what I do is I run a LIVESTREAM (of thought) commentary throughout the PPV, so if you're one of those people who ...
a.) can't afford to order the PPV because of child support payments eat up all your otherwise disposable income;
b.) are too poor to own a computer capable of displaying live streams (legal, or otherwise); or
c.) just like reading some smartass comments while people without company-provided health care plans beat each other into instant brain trauma
... well, golly gee, I've got you covered like gravy on mashed potatoes. As always, our patented LIVE(ish) play-by-play coverage begins at 10 p.m. EASTERN, and be sure to hit that refresh button early and often, since we'll be giving you updates in between every round of action. So what are you waiting for? Go on ahead and bookmark this shit and let your fightin' buddies on the social media know about our free, complimentary service - hell, they might think so much of you, you might get a blow job afterwards.
Well, whatever happens tonight, it probably won't be as awesome as that Yancy Medeiros/Alex Oliveira fight that just happened. With this and last night's Nicco Montano/Roxanne Modafferi barn burner, the UFC might have just posted the No. 1 and No. 2 FOTY candidates in back-to-back nights.
By the way, we're coming to you LIVE from Detroit, Mich., where the economy is about 80 percent dependent on street crime. Also, the name of the venue - which replaced the Joe as the Red Wings' home ice - is called Little Caesars Arena. Here's hoping the Detroit Lions' successor is called the Domino's Dome - or, at the very least, Pizza Hut Stadium (or, as the kids would call it, simply "The Hut.")
Hey, you know how when you walk into a room and there's a high definition screen on, but because of the angle you can only see the basic structure of what's on the screen and none of the distinct details? Well, I just got in from walking the dog and from afar, this UFC show looks just like gay porn. I mean, not that I've ever seen gay porn before. Because I'm straight. And straight people don't watch gay porn. Because they're straight, you see.
Anyhoo, I might be a little late covering the show, 'cause I've got to pick up my GF real quick. See, only straight people have GFs. So stop with the baseless allegations and accusations, will 'ya?
Lastly, it's a big night for sports in general, what, with the college football conference championship games and Miguel Cotto's retirement fight also on the docket. As always, I'll be keeping you abreast of what's happening in the Ohio State/Wisconsin and Clemson/Miami games, and hell, maybe even the FCS tournament, while I'm at it. Hey, how about Kennesaw State upsetting Jacksonville State in their own house, you motherfuckers?
OK, one final observation: Rashad Evans is the whitest-sounding black man in history.
Our hosts are Jon Anik and Joe Rogan. There's usually a third person in the booth, but I guess they just prefer to tag team it old-school in Detroit-Town. Also, not that it's a surprise to anybody, but Rogan looks high as a motherfucker.
Women's Flyweight Bout
Tecia Torres (9-1-0-0) vs. Michelle Waterson (14-5-0-0)
Huh, I didn't know Tecia Torres was engaged to Raquel Pennington. She totally doesn't look like the clam digger type to me at all (that's called sarcasm, folks.) Waterson's wearing a T-shirt. She gets a takedown and she has both hooks in. Torres escapes, but Waterson is keeping her pressed against the cage. Torres with a flurry, but not a whole lot is landing. LOL at the fans repeatedly making Ric Flair "woo" noises. Now Torres has Waterson crushed against the cage. Waterson with a ton of knees and elbows in the clinch. Waterson lands a knee and Torres presses her against the cage again. Waterson flubs on a side kick. Torres ends the round with a bevy of hard shots right before the bell.
Round two. Torres with some good shots early. Joe Rogan keeps going on and on about how impressed he is she was able to fight professionally while studying for her master's. Waterson with a great takedown, and now Michelle is working for the full mount. Waterson is jockeying for position from the half guard. Torres trying for a kimura. She loses it. Now Waterson is taking a nap on Torres' titties. Torres going for a triangle. And she switches to an armbar. A really, really shitty armbar. Torres shoots for a takedown in the final seconds, but she can't stick it.
Round three. Torres with a head kick, but only like, one toe connected. Waterson with a big right hand. Torres fires back with a decent right of her own. Waterson's left eye is swollen. Waterson spamming the overhand rights now. Torres with a great one-two combo. Waterson flops down and lands an upkick. Torres has Waterson's back. Waterson is flattened out with about a minute left. Torres landing a ton of shots now. Waterson survives, and they exchange brief punches right at the bell.
30-27 and two 29-28s to give "The Tiny Tornado" Tecia Torres the unanimous decision victory.
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| This is literally a Chun Li game over screen from Street Fighter II in real life. |
Cody Garbrandt is in the house. And so is former Red Wings defender Darren McCarty - a.k.a., one of the greatest goons in hockey history, in case you weren't in the loop.
The new UFC game looks realistic. In fact, it's so realistic that Jon Jones remains unplayable because he keeps failing virtual drug tests.
Lightweight Bout
Eddie Alvarez (28-5-0-1) vs. Justin Gathje (18-0-0-0)
Alvarez has one win, one loss and one NC in his last three outings - a knockout against Rafael dos Anjos, a knockout loss against Conor McGregor and a technical DQ for kneeing Dustin Poirier upside the head while he was on all fours. It won't be easy getting back in the win column, though, seeing as how his opponent tonight is the undefeated World Series of Fighting alum Justin Gathje, whose UFC debut win against Michael Johnson in July is pretty much the presumptive frontrunner for 2017's fight of the year. That said, considering the explosive pedigrees of both these competitors, we might just have ourselves a new FOTY candidate before the night is over with.
Joe Rogan is creaming his pants in anticipation of this fight. Justin with leg kicks early. Alvarez lands an uppercut. Justin with more leg kicks. Loud "Eddie" chants. Justin slips and Eddie pantomimes kneeing him in the head. Alvarez with a flurry of body shots, but those kicks have his legs buckling already. Justin with another hard leg kick. Alvarez with a takedown, but Justin rolls right back up. Eddie working the body shots. Justin is bleeding from his nose. Alvarez tags him with a left hook. More body shots from Alvarez. Alvarez goes for a tumbleweed leg drop with just seconds left in the round. And Justin doesn't have enough time to land any free shots.
Round two. Eddie opens with some leg kicks. Alvarez landing a ton of body shots. Justin loads up on the leg kick. Eddie with a good right. Justin tags him with a one-two. Now these two are just wailing on each other with sledgehammer shots. Alvarez with a knee to the body. Eddie's chest is neon red from all those body shots. Alvarez pops him with a left hook. Alvarez's face is swollen as fuck. Justin slips at the end, does a full 360 flip and gets kneed right in the jaw as soon as he pops back up. And there's the bell.
Round three. Both guys look like somebody set their faces on fire and tried to put it out with a fork. Justin with vicious leg kicks and Eddie keeps spamming the body blows. Eddie tries to pull guard and Justin lets him get up. Justin whiffs on a head kick. Eddie with a knee to the body. Justin ducks the spinning elbow. We have a brief sprawl on the mat and both men are standing again. Justin carving Eddie alive with leg kicks. Justin with back to back uppercuts. AND ALVAREZ DROPS JUSTIN WITH JUST A MINUTE LEFT IN THE FIGHT! A standing knee put Gathje flat on his back. And two or three shots on the ground finished it.
The official time is 3:50 of the third round. In the post-fight, Alvarez sounds like he swallowed his top row of teeth. He also says he's proud to be the UFC's "king of violence," which is totally a career path my high school guidance counselor never told me about.
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| "Hey, Justin, come here a minute. There's something I want to PATELLA!" |
Demetrious Johnson gets a so-so reaction from the crowd. And everybody boos Tyron Woodley like a motherfucker, just like they should.
Flyweight Bout
Henry Cejudo (11-2-0-0) vs. Sergio Pettis (16-2-0-0)
Henry Cejudo absolutely DESTROYED Wilson Reis at UFC 215, and if he musters a victory tonight, he's pretty much a lock for a rematch against Demetrious Johnson in early 2018. That said, the same holds true for his adversary, Sergio Pettis, who has an opportunity to extend his winning streak to five in a row - and, in the process, secure himself a title bout against Mighty Mouse over the next couple of months.
Cejudo using a wide-legged karate stance. Anik talks about Cejudo burning his foot and losing his Olympic gold medals in a wildfire earlier this year. Cejudo gets a takedown and he's in side control. Now he has his back. Cejudo throwing some knees. Sergio isn't letting him sneak those hooks in, though. Now Cejudo is almost in the full guard. Cejudo leads Pettis on strikes landed, 22-6. Cejudo hammer fists and knees the fuck out of Pettis as the bell sounds.
Round two. Pettis with a high kick. And another good body kick. Pettis slips and Cejudo hops on him. He's in the full guard. But he's not doing much. Pettis trying for a body triangle. Pettis slaps Cejudo with his heels. Cejudo spins out and grabs Pettis' back. Pettis is back to his feet, but Cejudo has him tied up with a waistlock. And we've got separation with thirty seconds left. Pettis whiffs on a roundhouse kick and that'll do it for the second.
Round three. Both men swinging for the fences early. Cejudo lands a single leg takedown - no, I mean he literally grabbed Pettis by the knee, yanked him five feet in the air and threw him to the canvas. Cejudo's in side control. Now he's going for a choke from the north-south position, it appears. Cejudo hops right back into the full guard. LOL at Joe Rogan doing play by play for a fight in the audience that sounds way more exciting than the fight in the Octagon. Alright, back in the cage, Pettis and Cejudo are circling one another. Pettis plays it absurdly safe - he rattles of no shots that connect and to add insult to injury, Cejudo punctuates the round by hitting him with a facile head kick.
It's 30-27 across the board to give Cejudo the unanimous decision win. But the fight was so boring they don't let him have a post-fight interview.
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| Hey, remember when we were all excited for this match? Man, we were all dumb as hell. |
Time to listen to Daniel Cormier give us the rundown on tonight's co-main event. OK, you know when I said earlier Rashad Evans is the whitest sounding black dude on planet Earth? I take it back - Overeem sounds like his name should be Blake or something.
Heavyweight Bout
Alistair Overeem (43-15-0-1) vs. Francis Ngannou (10-1-0-0)
With wins over Fabricio Werdum and Mark Hunt in his last two outings, reason would dictate that Overeem would be the presumptive no. 1 contender for Stipe Miocic's belt if defeats Francis Nagannou this evening. That's a pretty tall task, though, seeing as how the Cameroonian is 5-0 in the UFC (all finishes, no less) - not to mention the fact he LEGIT has the strongest punch in recorded human history. Either way, I seriously doubt we're gonna' end up with more than one person exiting this bout with their consciousness intact; don't blink, folks, something tells me some heads might figuratively and literally roll in this one.
And the final score in the ACC Championship is in - Clemson beat Miami 38-3. Joe Rogan calls Overeem a former K-1 "Grand Pwee" champion. Yep, that nigga' is high as hell right now. Overeem literally RUNS at Francis with a left hook to begin the fight. Overeem with a clinch early. Francis stomps Overeem's feet like he was Marcos Ruas or something. The ref pulls them apart. AND FRANCIS TURNS OVEREEM'S LIGHTS OUT WITH ONE PUNCH! Ngannou landed a left hook from hell and followed it up with one punch on the ground, but Overeem was already knocked the fuck out.
The official time is 1:42 of the very first round. Joe Rogan tells Francis he's getting a title shot next. Francis thanks Overeem for giving him the highlight reel knockout, his coaches, his family, and his brothers in Libya who are literally slaves. "Fuck slavery," he says. "Fuck racism."
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| Too bad you can't read the bottom of the flag and the part that says "...just got his brains knocked out his asshole." |
Hey, aren't you excited for that new Will Smith movie on Netflix? Well - me neither, actually.
UFC Featherweight Championship Bout
Max Holloway (18-3-0-0) vs. Jose Aldo 26-3-0-0)
And the final score of the Big 10 game is in - Ohio State outlasted Wisconsin for the 27-21 victory. So, I assume that makes it Clemson vs. Alabama and Oklahoma vs. Georgia in the National Playoffs, right?
Aldo comes out to Mariachi music with what sounds like a banjo in it. Shit, now I want some corn chips and salsa. Oh, and Sadam Ali just outpointed Miguel Cotto in his final fight, so you don't have to worry about that trifling shit no more. An aside, but a lot of the UFC security staff are fat as fuck. I mean, you'd think the guys would be a little bit more built, but you'd be wrong.
Anybody else think Holloway looks like an anorexic version of the evil pimp in Pat Benatar's "Love is a Battlefield" music video? Holloway chasing Aldo down. Aldo connects with a good one-two combo. Then he lands a leg kick. Holloway literally bitch slaps Aldo, and Aldo fires back with a leg kick. Aldo swinging like crazy, but he just can't hit Holloway. Holloway lands a head kick, but he doesn't get all of it. Now the fans are chanting "Let's Go Red Wings," because Detroit fans really are the goddamn worst. And Aldo lands a HUGE uppercut right at the bell.
Round two. Aldo lands a hard leg kick. He follows suit with a good one-two combo. Some dude in the audience yells "kick his ass, Sea-bass." Holloway pushes forward with two quick jabs. Aldo with two more hard leg kicks. Aldo clinches and he tosses Holloway to the mat. Holloway catches Aldo's leg. There's a brief clinch against the cage and Holloway lands a spinning kick to the liver and two solid jabs. He ends the round with a quick flurry, including a nice knee to the skull at the bell.
Round three. Aldo hits a leg kick. Aldo with a quick jab, Holloway with a jumping knee to the sternum. We get a GLORIOUS striking exchange with each men eating a billion punches but neither of them selling the shots. Holloway connects with a head kick. We've got another AWESOME slug fest. Aldo is gassed as fuck and he's bleeding buckets. Aldo shoots for a takedown and Holloway gets in the full mount. He has Aldo's back and he's elbowing the fuck out of him. Holloway hops back in the full mount. He UNLOADS on Aldo's bloody face and the ref says "that's it, this fight is over."
The official time is 4:51 of round three. Man, Holloway had a brilliant strategy - he goaded Aldo into a brawl, let him tire himself out and swarmed his ass late in the round. In the post-fight, Holloway holds his son, who's carrying a can of Monster and doesn't look anything like his daddy. Holloway says something about Brazil and Hawaii having a surfing rivalry and refers to the rest of division as "cupcakes," which is pretty fortuitous because he truly "loves cupcakes."
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| Yeah, he's the greatest of all-time, alright ... at getting his ass kicked. |
Well, that was an entertaining show. I'll be back first thing in the morning with some more cogent thoughts on the PPV. But for now? Get your ass some sleep, son!
SO, WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? Yeah, Max Holloway vs. Frank Edgar needs to happen as soon as possible - considering what they've accomplished in their previous outings, that very well could be the fightiest fight of all-time. As for Jose Aldo's next fight, how about giving him the winner of the upcoming Brian Ortega vs. Cub Swanson contest? Francis Ngannou is pretty much a lock to be the next challenger for Stipe Miocic's Heavyweight Championship, and for Alistair Overeem's next challenger, how about penciling him in for a showdown with Derrick Lewis? Despite his victory being anything but thrilling, Henry Cejudo is far and away the best option for Demetrious Johnson's next challenger, and yep, I reckon it's go time for a third Tecia Torres vs. Rose Namajunas bout - this time, with some championship gold on the line. And lastly, I think it's only fitting that Eddie Alvarez go toe-to-toe with the winner of the upcoming Khabib Nurmagomedov vs. Edson Barboza shindig, while Justin Gathje looks to hop back on the win wagon with an undercard clash against either Kevin Lee or Dustin Poirier.
THE VERDICT: That was a hell of a show, maybe just a notch or two shy of being as good as UFC 217. You had three thrilling fights in Holloway/Aldo, Gathje/Alvarez and Medieros/Oliviera (with the latter being a potential Fight of the Year winner), plus we got to see Ngannou land a fucking all-time highlight reel knockout - and since it landed on Alistair Overeem, that made it 20 times better. Hell, even the fans constantly "wooing" and Joe Rogan being visibly high as a mother fucker and calling shit "gwond prees" couldn't damper the fun on this one - this was a tremendous PPV, and I pity the fool who didn't get a chance to watch it live.
SHOW HIGHLIGHT: On the undercard, ALL of Medeiros/Oliveira and on the main card, the respective third rounds of the Aldo/Holloway and Gathje/Alvarez bouts. Though Ngannou's knockout is shit we're going to be talking about for years, too.
SHOW LOWLIGHT: The Cejudo/Pettis bout was as much fun as watching slugs sleep.
ROGAN-ISM OF THE NIGHT: "There are a lot of Ric Flair fans here tonight" - Joe on the crowd's predilection for chanting "woo" at every conceivable opportunity.
FIVE THINGS I LEARNED FROM TONIGHT'S SHOW:
- There's no point in wearing a tee-shirt to a fist fight against a corn-rowed lesbian.
- A million billion body shots > a million billion leg kicks.
- If you want a title shot against Demetrious Johnson, wrestlefucking your opponent for 15 minutes isn't really the best method to guarantee it.
- If you're in a fight with the man with the hardest punch ever recorded in human history, it's probably a good idea to not let him punch you in the face.
- The best way to win a fight is to let your opponent throw 45,000 punches over the course of ten seconds, then murder-death-kill him when he's trying to catch his breath.
Well, that's all I've got for you this week. Crank up "Shield Your Eyes" by Jawbreaker and "I'm A Rock 'n Roll Nigger" by Anti-Heroes and I'll be seeing you cageside in just a few.
