LIVE(ish) Play-By-Play Coverage From Week 15's Raiders vs. Cowboys Game!

This Week's Episode:

"Seriously ... win or GTFO"

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo X

It's It's that time of year again, folks! As is the tradition here at The Internet Is In America, we're going to do our damnedest to give you LIVE play-by-play coverage of every single Oakland Raiders game of the season, including tonight's homestand against Dallas. Join us LIVE on Sunday, Dec. 17 for our patented possession-by-possession coverage of week 15's Raiders vs. Cowboys game, with the festivities beginning at 8 p.m. Eastern time. There'll be updates every commercial break, so be sure to bookmark this shit prior to kickoff. And, as always, do us and yourselves a kindness and let all your fellow Raiders fans know what we're up to by posting links to our coverage on your social media pages. Hey, we're all in this together, remember (#SilverAndBlackLivesMatter)

11:43 a.m. - Tonight's game is a primetime affair that will be starting around 8:30 P.M. 

11:44 a.m. - The Raiders are 6-7 and have to run the table and if they want even an outside shot of making the playoffs. The Cowboys are 7-6 and have to run the table and then get some help to sneak their way into the postseason. So, yeah, both of these teams are pretty much fighting for their livelihoods here, with the loser essentially eliminated from the playoffs race.

11:46 a.m. - For the Raiders, Amari Cooper and Clive Walford are both scratches. Cory James and Obi Melifonwu are on the I.R., and David Amerson is doubtful.

11:47 a.m. - The Cowboys will be without Justin Durant and Brice Butler. James Hanna, Tyron Smith and La'el Collins are all listed as questionable. And, of course, Ezekiel Elliot is still suspended. 

11:48 a.m. - Vegas has the Cowboys listed as -3 favorites, with the over/under set at 46.5. Oddly enough, ESPN's Football Power Index gives the Raiders a 52 percent chance to win tonight's homestand.

11:50 a.m. - And here are the relevant season offensive and defensive stats:

11:52 a.m. - Anyhoo, we'll be seeing you again closer to gametime. Enjoy your Sunday, kids, and I'll be catching you on the other side around 8 p.m. Eastern.

8:25 p.m. - So is that Carrie Underwood doing the opening Sunday Night Football theme? Man, that one country musing singing asshole is crazy as shit to leave her for Gwen Stefani. 

8:26 p.m. - Per Chris Collinsworth, the biggest problem with the Raiders this season is that they "don't know who they are." Which is a funny way of saying "the secondary is shit and our receivers are allergic to holding onto the ball."

8:32 p.m. - Mario Edwards, Jr. is out for the Raiders, too. The Cowboys are getting the ball first.

8:32 p.m. - Cowboys starting at their own 25 yard line.

8:33 p.m. - Williams holds onto the ball to move the chains.

8:34 p.m. - Morris runs it for about five yards up the gut.

8:34 p.m. - There's Williams with another first down reception. But a flag is down. It's pass interference against Dallas.

8:35 p.m. - Second and 15. Morris finds a hole and gets a 16-yard gain for a new set of downs.

8:36 p.m. - Witten is wide open and he makes the catch for 12.

8:36 p.m. - Morris goes down around the line of scrimmage.

8:37 p.m. - Prescott's under pressure and the pass to Witten is no good.

8:38 p.m. - Third and 10. INTERCEPTED BY SEAN SMITH!

8:41 p.m. - Marshawn runs for about nine on first down.

8:41 p.m. - Marshawn loses three on second down.

8:42 p.m. - Third and five. The pass to Crabtree is no good. And just like that - the Raiders have to punt it away.

8:43 p.m. - The punt lands around the DAL 30.

8:46 p.m. - Morris runs for about seven.

8:46 p.m. - Second and four. Brown hauls it in to move the sticks.

8:47 p.m. - Prescott scrambles and slides for close to a five yard gain.

8:47 p.m. - The fullback pushes it to the OAK 41 for another set of downs.

8:48 p.m. - Morris takes it inside the OAK 30 on a 12-yard run. He is killing it up the gut tonight.

8:49 p.m. - And Morrow drops Morris behind the line for a loss of three yards.

8:49 p.m. - Second and 13. Smith gets pushed out of bounds after a five yard reception.

8:50 p.m. - Third and 8. Morrow chases Prescott down and Dak has to dump it. Fourth down approaches.

8:51 p.m. - Dallas goes for a 45-yard field goal attempt. It's good. Dallas leads it, 3-0, with five minutes left in the first quarter.

8:55 p.m. - Raiders start this next drive at their own 25. 

8:56 p.m. - Neutral zone infraction against Dallas gives the Raiders five free yards.

8:56 p.m. - Jared Cook is very, very close to a first down haul.

8:56 p.m. - Second and one. Lynch goes down two yards behind the line of scrimmage. Flags are down.

8:57 p.m. - Donald Penn is down, and he looks severely injured.

9:00 p.m. - Third and three. Michael Crabtree drops it. Vadal Alexander is filling in the leftside gap for Penn.

9:02 p.m. - Raiders punt it away.

This guy's face sums up the season about as well as any numbers could.

9:03 p.m. - Rod Smith gets hit right at the line on first down.

9:04 p.m. - Hannah catches it down at the OAK 20. A 31-yard pick-up.

9:06 p.m. - Smith gets stuffed at the line.

9:07 p.m. - Play action pass, and the Cowboys take it inside the OAK 5. And that's the end of the first.

9:10 p.m. - Prescott scrambles and gets tackled at the four yard line.

9:10 p.m. - Second and goal. And Sean Smith gets flagged for pass interference.

9:11 p.m. - Dallas gets a new set of downs at the OAK 1.

9:11 p.m. - And Smith barrels into the end zone for a touchdown.

9:12 p.m. - The XP is good. With 14 minutes left in the second quarter, the Cowboys lead it 10-0.

9:15 p.m. - Patterson has a good punt return, but flags are down.

9:16 p.m. - Yep, it's two holding calls against the Raiders.

9:17 p.m. - Lynch gets maybe a yard on the run. Another flag is down.

9:17 p.m. - Holding against the Raiders.

9:18 p.m. - First and 15. ANOTHER FLAG IS DOWN.

9:18 p.m. - False start against Oakland. I'm pretty sure that puts them at their own 1 yard line now.

9:19 p.m. - Richard hauls it in at the OAK 12.

9:19 p.m. - Second and seven. The deep shot to Crabtree downfield in triple coverage is no good. Shit, we're lucky that one wasn't picked off.

9:20 p.m. - Third and seven. And Carr scrambles and slides to FINALLY get this offense a first down.

9:21 p.m. - Carr tosses the ball to the ground because everybody's covered.

9:22 p.m. - Second and 10. Lynch runs for about five yards.

9:22 p.m. - Third and five. Crabtree catches the ball, fumbles it, and thankfully, recovers the pigskin for a few extra yards.

9:23 p.m. - Patterson hit for a four-yard loss on an end-around.

9:24 p.m. - Second and 14. Lynch with about five on a pitch and catch.

9:25 p.m. - Third and eight. Crabtree hauls it in, but he looks like he's a yard short of the first down marker.

9:25 p.m. - Fourth and one, and King is out to punt. The Cowboys fair catch it at their own 10.

9:29 p.m. - Second and 10. Morris goes down behind the line for a one yard loss.

9:30 p.m. - Third and 11. Mack almost sacks Prescott in the end zone and Dak throws it away. And the Raiders' D gets hit with a holding call.

9:31 p.m. - First and 10 for Dallas. The Raiders take a timeout.

9:32 p.m. - MACK SACKS PRESCOTT!

9:33 p.m. - Second and 15. Smith gets a very short gain on the run.

9:34 p.m. - Third and 12. And Witten hauls in the first down pass on a 13-yard pick up.

9:34 p.m. - Morris goes down at the line.

9:35 p.m. - Second and 10. Bowman drags down Morris after a one-yard gain.

9:36 p.m. - Third and nine. The pass is ALMOST intercepted by T.J. Carrie, but he can't hold on to it.

9:36 p.m. - Dallas punts. The Raiders fair catch it at their on 30 with about three minutes left in the second.

9:40 p.m. - Lynch runs for nine on first down.

9:40 p.m. - Second and one. Lynch gets hit right at the line.

9:40 p.m. - Third and one. Looks like Carr has enough on a QB sneak to move the chains.

9:44 p.m. - A deep shot to Crabtree falls short. A flag is down. It's offsides against Dallas.

9:44 p.m. - First and five. Lynch takes it to the DAL 45.

9:45 p.m. - Carr hits Crabtree for a nine yard gain.

9:45 p.m. - Second and 1 with 90 seconds left.

9:46 p.m. - Washington appears to have enough to convert.

9:46 p.m. - Roberts with a five yard gain, but he doesn't get out of bounds.

9:47 p.m. - Washington takes it to the DAL 30. And the Raiders call a timeout.

9:49 p.m. - Carr is hit as he's thrown and the pass to Patterson is incomplete.

9:50 p.m. - Second and 10 with 21 seconds left in the half.

9:51 p.m. - Cook takes it to the DAL 11. The Raiders take their last timeout of the half.

9:52 p.m. - Fourteen seconds left. COOK HAULS IN THE TOUCHDOWN!

9:52 pm. - Oh fuck, there's a flag down. Pass interference against the Raiders for negative ten yards.

9:52 p.m. - Carr getting chased down in the backfield. He tosses it out of bounds with three seconds left on the clock.

9:54 p.m. - Here comes Giorgio. And it's no fucking good.

So you're saying we've got a chance, huh?

9:54 p.m. - That's the end of the second quarter, kids. Dallas leads it 10-0, but the Raiders will get the ball back to begin the third.

9:56 p.m. - Time to walk a puppy. See you back here in about 20, folks.

10:08 p.m. - Patterson appears to have a 100 yard kickoff return, but two flags are down in the backfield.

10:10 p.m. - Of course it's against Oakland. So they get pinned back to their own 10.

10:10 p.m. - Lynch with a 12 yard run. Well, that's a positive, at least.

10:10 p.m. - LOL at Collinsworth talking about the Raiders having a shitty play-action game. And sure enough, Lynch gets gobbled up behind the line of scrimmage as soon as he says it.

10:11 p.m. - Second and 12. Lynch with an eight yard catch.

10:12 p.m. - Third and four. Flags are down before the line is snapped. False start against the Raiders.

10:13 p.m. - Third and nine. And Washington fights his way to move the sticks.

10:13 p.m. - Damn, do I LOVE the Madden Cam. I wish that was the default camera POV the whole game.

10:14 p.m. - Second and eight. Lynch gets a yard, maybe two on the run up the gut.

10:15 p.m. - Third and six. And Carr runs for 32 yards downfield. Whew!

10:16 p.m. - Play action. Crabtree doesn't hold on to the pigskin.

10:16 p.m. - Second and 10 at the DAL 20. Lynch barrels it inside the DAL 5. A 19 yard gain.

10:17 p.m. - First and goal at the DAL 2. TOUCHDOWN MICHAEL CRABTREE! They went 90 yards on 11 plays and ate up almost seven minutes of gametime.

10:18 p.m. - The XP is good. It's 10-7, Dallas, with eight minutes left in the third quarter.

10:21 p.m. - The Dallas return man gets waylaid at the Cowboys' 15.

10:21 p.m. - Morris gets a yard. Maybe.

10:22 p.m. - Second and nine. Another incompletion.

10:23 p.m. - Third and nine. SEAN SMITH INTERCEPTS THE BALL AND RETURNS IT FOR A TD!

10:23 p.m. - Never mind. The INT stands, but Smith is ruled down by contact back at the OAK 22. 

10:26 p.m. - Incomplete to Crabtree in the end zone.

10:27 p.m. - Second and 10. Lynch can't get beyond the line of scrimmage.

10:28 p.m. - Third and nine. The pass to Washington is dropped.

10:29 p.m. - Giorgio is out for the game-tying field goal.

10:30 p.m. - It's a 39-yarder. And it's good. We've got a tied ball game with about six minutes left in the third.

10:32 p.m. - Cowboys take over at their own 25. Morris gets two on the first down run.

10:33 p.m. - Second and eight. PRESCOTT GETS SACKED BY MACK AGAIN!

10:34 p.m. - Third and 11. And Beasley can't hold on to the rock. Dallas must punt.

10:35 p.m. - And Chris Jones takes it to the DAL 48 on a fake punt. Well, don't they beat all.

10:35 p.m. - And the follow-up flea flicker results in an incomplete deep downfield.

10:36 p.m. - Second and 10. Prescott's throw to Witten is way underthrown. A flag is down.

10:37 p.m. - Pass interference against the Raiders.

10:38 p.m. - Witten takes it to the OAK 40.

10:38 p.m. - Second and three. Smith runs it up the gut to convert.

10:39 p.m. - The pass to Bryant is incomplete. Flags are down.

10:39 p.m. - Holding against the Cowboys puts 'em back ten yards.

10:40 p.m. - First and 20. Wait - how the fuck is it first and goal now? My feed just skipped ahead two whole minutes!

10:41 p.m. - And Prescott runs into the end zone for a rushing score. They went 75 yards on 11 plays.

10:42 p.m. - And the XP is good. Dallas regain the lead, 17-0, with a minute left in the third.

10:45 p.m. - And Patterson runs all the way up to midfield before fumbling the ball out of bounds. That means the Raiders start their next drive at their own 48.

10:48 p.m. - The first down pass is incomplete to Cook.

10:49 p.m. - Second and 10. Crabtree goes nowhere after hauling in a short catch. And that's all she wrote for the third quarter.

10:52 p.m. - Third and nine. AND ROBERTS HOLDS ON TO IT AFTER A DEFLECTION FOR A 28-YARD GAIN!

10:53 p.m. - Dallas is challenging whether or not Roberts maintained possession.

10:56 p.m. - THE CALL STANDS AND DALLAS LOSES A TIMEOUT.

10:56 p.m. - Lynch rumbles for four yards.

10:56 p.m. - Second and six. Lee Smith gets three yards.

10:57 p.m. - Third and three. And Crabtree hauls it in to move the sticks.

10:58 p.m. - False start against the Raiders makes it first and 15.

10:59 p.m. - Lynch breaks a tackle and gets about six yards.

11:00 p.m. - Second and 10. Shit, Roberts ALMOST had the TD.

11:00 p.m. - Flags are down. It's illegal contact against the Cowboys. The Raiders get an automatic first down.

11:01 p.m. - First and goal at the DAL 8. The end zone shot to Crabtree is way overthrown.

11:02 p.m. - Second and goal. Lynch rumbles down to the DAL 2.

11:02 p.m. - Third and goal. Holy shit, what a time for the feed to freeze up.

...when your season is literally lost by the width of a goddamn index card.

11:04 p.m. - TOUCHDOWN MICHAEL CRABTREE! The XP is good, and it's all knotted up again, 17-17.

11:05 p.m. - Dallas takes over at their own 25.

11:07 p.m. - Bryant loses four yards on a terrible end-around attempt.

11:08 p.m. - Second and 14. Prescott runs for eight, but flags are down in the backfield.

11:09 p.m. - A ten yard holding call against Dallas.

11:09 p.m. - Second and 24. Smith gets - eight, I guess?

11:10 p.m. - Third and 18. Beasley catches it about two yards shy of the first down marker.

11:10 p.m. - Cowboys punt. The ball goes out of bounds around the OAK 20. Flags are down.

11:11 p.m. - Ten yard holding penalty against the Raiders.

11:14 p.m. - Carr almost sacked, but he manages to target Lynch for a short gain.

11:15 p.m. - Second and eight. Lynch runs for about four.

11:15 p.m. - Third and four. Cook drops what would've been a first down haul. Raiders have to punt.

11:16 p.m. - The Cowboys' return man goes out of bounds near the DAL 30.

11:20 p.m. - The pass to Bryant is no good.

11:20 p.m. - Second and 10. Morris gets hit behind the line.

11:20 p.m. - Third and 10. Witten looks like he may have picked up the first down.

11:21 p.m. - Yep, it's ruled a first down. Now the Raiders are challenging the spot of the ball.

11:22 p.m. - Looks like Witten was half a yard short on the replay.

11:23 p.m. - The call on the field is overturned. It's fourth down and half a yard for the Cowboys.

11:24 p.m. - Prescott goes for a sneak. He may have come up short.

11:25 p.m. - The referees used an index card to measure the spot. The refs say they got the first down by like a centimeter.

11:26 p.m. - Cowboys at midfield. Morris runs for two.

11:27 p.m. - Second and eight. Bryant hauls the catch inside the OAK 10.

11:29 p.m. - Second and goal. And that's the two minute warning.

11:32 p.m. - Morris is half a yard short. Raiders call a timeout.

11:33 p.m. - Third and goal. And Morris is stopped four inches shy of end zone.

11:34 p.m. - Raiders take their second timeout.

11:34 p.m. - Fourth and goal. The Cowboys come out for a field goal.

11:34 p.m. - The kick is good. Dallas takes back the lead, 20-17, with 1:44 left in regulation.

11:35 p.m. - Patterson goes out around the OAK 30. Flags are down.

11:37 p.m. - It's against the Raiders. That costs them 10 yards.

11:37 p.m. - The pass to Roberts is batted away.

11:38 p.m. - Roberts holds on to it at the OAK 30. A 19-yard gain.

11:39 p.m. - The pass to Crabtree is no good.

11:39 p.m. - Crabtree is overthrown.

How long is the distance between utter despair and the will to live? Three feet, apparently.

11:40 p.m. - Third and 10. 1:05 left on the clock. Almost picked off.

11:40 p.m. - Fourth and 10. This is the season, kids.

11:40 p.m. - The deep shot to Crabtree is no good but FLAGS ARE EVERYWHERE.

11:41 p.m. - PASS INTERFERENCE AGAINST DALLAS. That puts the Raiders at the Dallas 10. That gave them 55 free yards.

11:42 p.m. - Second and three. It's knocked out of Crabtree's hands. 

11:43 p.m. - Dallas take an injury timeout.

11:44 p.m. - Third and three. Thirty-nine seconds left.

11:44 p.m. - Carr scrambles, he goes down at the one ... and then he fumbles out of the endzone for a goddamn touchback.

11:46 p.m. - It's being reviewed. The touchback is confirmed. And the Cowboys will run out the clock.

11:49 p.m. - The Cowboys win 20-17. The Raiders fall to 6-8, and their season is officially over, two games early.

11:50 p.m. - See you next year, Raiders' faithful. Here's hoping 2018 is a damn sight better than 2017.

Read More

2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week 8!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

This Week's Episode:

"The League Goes Full Russo"

THE ELITES

#01

Philadelphia Eagles (7-1)

Season Point Differential: +76

The Eagles are still flying high following their 33-10 beatdown of the 49ers over the weekend. Carson Wentz - who, at this point in the season, could be a legit MVP candidate - went 18 for 32 for 211 yards, two touchdown passes and one interception, while the Eagles' running back committee (led by Corey Clement with 54 yards and 10 carries) racked up 112 yards and one score on the ground. Expect that rushing attack to get even more potent with the addition of ex-Dolphin Jay Ajayi, whom Miami traded to Philadelphia earlier this week for only a fourth round draft pick.

#02

Kansas City Chiefs (6-2)

Season Point Differential: +56

In their 29-19 win over the Broncos, Kansas City managed to force five turnovers, including three interceptions off Trevor Siemian and two fumbles off Jamaal Charles and Isaiah McKenzie. Alex Smith went 14 for 31 for 202 yards and one TD pass, but the Chiefs' run production was shockingly low; with just 46 yards on 22 carries, has the much ballyhooed Kareem Hunt hype train finally run out of steam?

#03

Minnesota Vikings (6-2)

Season Point Differential: +44

In a freshly Aaron Rodgers-less division, the Vikes continue to roll (or is that sail?) with an easy 33-16 win over the Browns. Case Keenum went 27 for 43 for 288 yards, two touchdowns and one interception, with top receiver Adam Thielen registering 98 yards and one TD haul on five catches. Alas, the run defense might need a little work; the Vikings let the Browns outgain them on the ground 115 to 88 yards and two rushing TDs to uno. 

#04

New England Patriots (6-2)

Season Point Differential: +37

Tom Brady has another great game in the Pats' 18-13 win over the Chargers. Tom Terrific concluded the game 32 for 47 for 333 yards and one TD pass, with top receiver James White leading the herd with 85 yards on five catches. Still, questions abound about the team's ability to stop the run; at the final horn, New England could only post 97 yards on the ground, while their defense allowed L.A. to collect 157 rushing yards and one Melvin Gordon TD.

#05

Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2)

Season Point Differential: +36

The Steelers prevailed over the Lions Sunday night, besting Detroit 20-15. Big Ben went 17 for 31 for 317 yards and a one-to-one TD/INT split, with receiver JuJu Smith-Schuster coming out of nowhere to rack up 193 yards and one TD haul on just seven receptions. Still, this team's pass protection is pure dookie - at the final horn, Pittsburgh's D let Matt Stafford drop 423 aerial yards on 'em, although to the Steelers' credit, none of them resulted in end zone hauls.

#06

Los Angeles Rams (5-2)

Season Point Differential: +74

The Rams took a breather over the weekend and will re-emerge this Sunday for a 1 P.M. clash with the Giants. While a lot has been made of Jared Goff's greatly improved passing stats and the team's consistently productive rushing attack, maybe it's the Rams' special teams play that's made them such a surprisingly solid squad thus far in the season? Heading into week nine, L.A. is ranked number one in the League in kickoff return yards (507), averaging about 29.8 yards per return. And with 21 successful field goals on the year, the Rams are tied with Minnesota and Kansas City for the NFL's most productive three point offense.

#07

New Orleans Saints (5-2)

Season Point Differential: +46

While the Bears' defense may have held Drew Brees to a relatively low 299 yards on 23 completions, the Saints' rushing attack managed to add points to the board when New Orleans' passing game couldn't. In the 20-12 win, Mark Ingram and Alvin Kamara combined for 103 rushing yards and two touchdowns on the ground, while New Orleans' defense held Mitch The Bitch to just 164 yards on the day - which you can roll back to 150 if you factor in the two times the Saints' D sacked his ass.

#08

Seattle Seahawks (5-2)

Season Point Differential: +43

Down 38-34 in the final minute of the game, Russell Wilson managed to hit Jimmy Graham on an 18-yard pass with just 21 seconds left in regulation to lift the Seahawks to a come-from-behind 41-38 victory. Speaking of Wilson, he finished the game 26 for 41, 452 yards and four touchdown passes, with receivers Tyler Lockett and Paul Richardson each collecting 100-plus yards on the day. It's a good thing Wilson brought his A+ passing game, because this team's rushing offense was just the pits; while allowing Houston 142 rushing yards, the best Seattle could muster on the ground was a scant 33 yards.

White men may not be able to jump, but they sure can catch like a motherfucker.

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

#09

Buffalo Bills (5-2)

Season Point Differential: +38

In a sloppy, rainy home-stand, the Bills managed to force four fumbles off the Raiders, with Matt Milano recovering a live ball 40 yards for pay dirt in the waning moments of the second quarter. In the 34-14 blowout, T-Mobile went 20 for 27 for 165 yards and one TD pass (plus one scrambling touchdown) while LeSean McCoy managed to run for 151 yards and one score on 27 carries. And the run defense was dynamite, as the Bills were able to hold Oakland to a measly 54 yards on the ground all day long. 

#10

Carolina Panthers (5-3)

Season Point Differential: +6

In a defensive standstill, the Panthers' offense proved slightly more productive than Tampa Bay, as Carolina bumped off the Bucs 17-3 over the weekend. Cam Newton went 18 for 32 for 154 yards and a one-to-one TD/INT split (plus another 44 yards scrambling) with - of all people - running back Christian McCaffery leading the team in reception yards with 49 on five catches. And give the Panthers' D some props - they did managed to force three turnovers out of Jameis Winston, including one recovered fumble and two interceptions.

#11

Jacksonville Jaguars (4-3)

Season Point Differential: +73

Jacksonville had a bye over the weekend and will return Sunday for a home stand against the Bengals. At the almost halfway-point of the season, Jacksonville is the number one pass defense in the League, having held their opponents to just 161.7 aerial yards per game. Furthermore, their 15.7 points allowed average is the lowest in the NFL, and with 33 on the season, Jacksonville is far and away the League leader in sacks ... which, begrudgingly, makes their terrible, terrible nickname "Sacksonville" a rare case of pro sports truth-in-advertising. 

#12

Dallas Cowboys (4-3)

Season Point Differential: +37

First, the good news for the Cowboys. Sunday, the bested their arch rivals Washington 33-19, in a game that saw Ezekiel Elliot collect 150 yards and two rushing touchdowns on 33 carries. The bad news? Well, that six game ban for Elliot finally takes effect this weekend, so Dallas won't have him in the backfield until damn near Christmas. So is Dak Prescott's 143 yards, 14-for-22 on completions performance alone going to be enough to carry the Cowboys through the months of November and early December? Eh ... we'll see, folks.

#13

Green Bay Packers (4-3)

Season Point Differential: +3

The Packers had a bye last week and will re-enter the fray Monday for a home stand against the Lions. With Brett Hundley taking over quarterback duties, the Packers are on a 0-2 skid, and considering his lackluster performance thus far (244 passing yards, one touchdown and four interceptions over the course of eight quarters), one has to wonder if Green Bay wouldn't be in the market for a free agent acquisition if the losing streak continues. Hey - the two Kellens are still unsigned, guys ...

#14

Atlanta Falcons (4-3)

Season Point Differential: +1

It was a close one, but the Falcons still managed to outlast the Jets 25-20. Matt Ryan went 18 for 29 for 254 yards and two touchdown passes, while the Falcons backfield outran the Jets by a 140-43 yard margin. Still, somebody's got to do something about Matty Ice's ball handling - dude fumbled away the ball three times last Sunday, ultimately turning the ball over to New York twice.

#15

Tennessee Titans (4-3)

Season Point Differential: -15

The Titans had a bye last week and return to the gridiron Sunday for a 1 p.m. showdown against Baltimore. With eight weeks in the books, the Titans are ranked 18th in the League, offense-wise, averaging 326.4 yards per contest. Defensively, they rank 13th, allowing 329.4 yards a game.

#16

Miami Dolphins (4-3)

Season Point Differential: -60

In one of the worst Thursday night games in NFL history - oh, and you better believe that's saying something - the Dolphins rolled over like dead porpoises in a 40-0 loss to the Ravens. Matt Moore could only get 176 yards and two interceptions off 24 completions, and the run game, combining for just 45 yards on the day, likely led to Miami trading Jay Ajayi to the Eagles. But on the plus side? At least the defense was able to knock Joe Flacco out of the game, which I assure you is the ONLY thing about this game people 20 years from now will ever remember about it.

If you pause it at the very last frame, you can literally see Joe Flacco forget how subtraction works.

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

#17

Baltimore Ravens (4-4)

Season Point Differential: +22

You know, you'd think you'd have something noteworthy to say about a team that butt-fucked another team 40-0 on live, prime time television, but honestly, there isn't a whole let to tell you about the Ravens' blanking of the Dolphins. Before he got hurt, Joe Flacco went 10 for 15 for 101 yards and a TD, and back-up Ryan Mallett could only collect 20 yards (albeit, with a TD throw) on three completions afterwards. So how did the Ravens manage to win this one 40-0? Long answer, short: three back-to-back defensive touchdowns in the fourth quarter, including two pick sixes lobbed by Matt "Fuck This Shit" Moore.

#18

Houston Texans (3-4)

Season Point Differential: +27

Despite the 41-38 comeback win for Seattle, you really can't say anything bad about DeShaun Watson's performance for the Texans. Last Sunday, he went 19 for 30 for 402 yards and four touchdowns, plus another 67 yards collected on the ground. Wait, hold on - remember when I said you can't say anything bad about Watson's performance? Yeah, I temporarily forgot about those three interceptions he lobbed and the five sacks he ate for minus 35 yards on the day ... 

#19

Detroit Lions (3-4)

Season Point Differential: +7

Despite Matt Stafford lobbing the rock for 423 yards, the Lions still couldn't surmount the Steelers, who bested them 20-15 last Sunday night. The problem is that while no less than three Lions' receivers posted at least 80 yards receiving (with Marvin Jones leading the pack with 128), none of them managed to find their way into the Steelers' end zone. Ditto for Detroit's rushing attack, which could only muster 71 yards and no touchdowns on 22 carries.

#20

Cincinnati Bengals (3-4)

Season Point Differential: -13

The lowly Colts gave the only slightly less lowly Bengals all they could handle in Cincy's narrow 24-23 win over Indianapolis. Andy Dalton went 17 for 29 in the affair, finishing the game with 243 yards and two touchdown passes. Credit Carlos Dunlap as the hero of the day for the Bengals; his 16-yard pick six with less than seven minutes left in the fourth gave the Bengals a lead they wouldn't relinquish for the remainder of the game.

#21

Denver Broncos (3-4)

Season Point Differential: -20

The Broncos' sloppy ball handling - which included five turnovers - wasn't the only problem for Denver in their 29-19 loss to the Chiefs last Monday night. Trevor Siemian went 19 for 36 for 198 yards, one TD and three interceptions, while the team's running back committee, despite outrunning K.C. 177 yards to 79, could only post one touchdown on 31 combined carries. And where was the team's supposedly ferocious defense? At the final tally, the Broncos could only muster one measly sack of Alex Smith, and one interception off Tyreek Hill in one of the worst trick plays you'll ever see in your life.

#22

Washington Redskins (3-4)

Season Point Differential: -20

Even with Kirk Cousins going 26 for 39 for a one-to-one TD-to-INT split, the Redskins' hilarious inability to a.) run the ball their damned selves or b.) stop Dallas from effectively and efficiently running the ball cost 'em a tough Sunday afternoon game to the Cowboys. With a run differential of 169 yards to just 49, it's not really surprising Dallas managed to beat Washington 33-19 ... especially when you factor in the four times Cousins got sacked, plus the two additional fumbles the Redskins gift bagged the Cowboys' defense.

#23

Arizona Cardinals (3-4)

Season Point Differential: -72

The Cards took a bye last week and return this Sunday for an intra-NFC tilt against the 49ers. Averaging 333.1 yards per game, the Cardinals' offense is ranked 16th in the League. Allowing 352.7 a contest, their defense ranks 19th overall. Oh, and just so you know - their probable starting quarterback for Sunday's game trains while dressed as Supergirl.

#24

Los Angeles Chargers (3-4)

Season Point Differential: -2

The Chargers kept it close against the Pats, but they nonetheless managed to drop a tough one 18-13. Melvin Gordon's ground production (132 yards and one TD on 14 carries) was nearly 40 more yards than the entire Patriots' backfield could accumulate on the day, but Philip Rivers' play at quarterback was shaky, at best. He finished the game 17 for 30 for 212 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio - and he also got sacked for an astonishing 20-yard loss on one down.

Give Zach Miller some credit - dressing as Sycho Syd for Halloween is a pretty novel idea.

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

#25

Oakland Raiders (3-5)

Season Point Differential: -21

With Marshawn Lynch, David Amerson and Gareon Conley out for the game - plus Jamize Olawale exiting the game early, and Marquette King clearly not playing at 100 percent - the Raiders marched up to Buffalo and got their asses kicked 34-14. Although Derek Carr eclipsed 300 yards again, he finished the game with a one-to-two TD-to-INT ratio, and the backfield could only muster a puny 54 yards on 14 carries. Rumors are flying that Todd Downing's time as the team's offensive coordinator might not be long for this earth; so will the Raiders try to angle Bill Musgrave back to the team by season's end? Stay tuned, folks - the personnel drama could get thick in a hurry.

#26

New York Jets (3-5)

Season Point Differential: -29

The Jets hung in there, but they still succumbed to the Falcons 25-20 over the weekend. Josh McCown went 26 for 33 for 257 yards and two touchdown passes, but the Jets' run game completely sputtered out. At the final horn, New York could only accumulate 43 yards on the ground, while their defense allowed Atlanta to rack up 140 running the ball.

#27

Chicago Bears (3-5)

Season Point Differential: -37

Despite outgaining the Saints on the ground 157 yards to 101, the Bears nonetheless dropped a tough 'un to New Orleans over the weekend, 20-12. Alas, the only thing people will likely recall about the game is the gruesome leg injury of Zach Miller - who, in the wake of the freaky, stomach-churning accident, might possibly have to have his leg amputated. And adding insult to injury? The apparent touchdown he caught while breaking his leg was overturned by the referees just moments later.

#28

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-5)

Season Point Differential: -20

Jameis Winston had a lackluster showing in the Bucs' 17-3 loss to the Panthers. Going 21 for 38 for 210 yards, the former FSU QB couldn't record any TD passes and lobbed two interceptions in addition to fumbling the ball away once. Factor in the three times he got sacked, plus the fact he could only scramble for 13 yards on the day, and you've got to start asking yourself some serious questions about the long-term viability of America's most famous crustacean thief; is the problem just a shitty o-line, or is the real issue the guy with the ball in his hands?

#29

Indianapolis Colts (2-6)

Season Point Differential: -104

Even with Jacoby "Whisker Biscuit" Brissett going 25 for 39 for 233 yards and a two-to-one TD-to-INT split (with that one interception ultimately leading to a game-closing pick six), the Colts just couldn't get their offense to whiff end zone. In the 24-23 loss to Cincinnati, the Colts' backfield combined for 115 yards, a sum almost twice the rushing output of their opponents. Alas, Indy couldn't find a way to convert those yards into touchdowns, and as a result? The final score on the billboard really shouldn't surprise anybody.

#30

New York Giants (1-6)

Season Point Differential: -44

The Giants took a breather last week and return this Sunday for a home stand against the Rams. Averaging 296.4 yards a game, the G-Men's offense is ranked 27th overall; allowing 379.4 yards per contest, their defense is ranked 24th in the League. Also of note: averaging 16 points a game, the Giants have the NFL's third worst scoreboard numbers, with only Cleveland and Miami recording fewer points a contest.

#31

Cleveland Browns (0-8)

Season Point Differential: -83

Yep, stop me if you've heard this one before - the Browns lost another game over the weekend. Still, the 0-8 wonders at least kept the game somewhat close, and even led the Vikings 13-12 at halftime. Of course, the Browns still being the Browns, they would give up 17 unanswered points in the final 17 minutes of the game en route to a 33-16 loss, which, in a way, kinda' makes the Browns the reverse Harlem Globetrotters; they always find a way to lose, their opponents make them look like clowns and instead of entertaining the masses with their patented tomfoolery, they do everything in their power to make people in Ohio and abroad hate the game of football. 

#32

San Francisco 49ers (0-8)

Season Point Differential: -86

And following the team's dismal performance against the Eagles Sunday, YOUR San Francisco 49ers have officially eclipsed the Cleveland Browns (whom at least have the decency to stay competitive for a quarter or two) as the absolute WORST team in pro football. In the Niners' 33-10 loss to Philadelphia, C.J. Beathard went 17 for 36 for 167 yards, one TD and two interceptions, in addition to scrambling for 40 pointless yards on six carries. Oh, and he got sacked four times for negative 23 yards, had ten passes deflected and got hit after the throw TWELVE times. Hell, at this rate, it's not like Colin K. is going to make the team any worse - that is, if Kaepernick doesn't get snatched up by the Patriots first ...

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