2017 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings (Week 14 - We're Going Bowling!)

USA Today and the A.P. can take a hike - these are the only college football rankings anybody ought to care about.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

Do you honestly respect the opinions of organizations like ESPN or USA Today to give it to you straight about college football? Of course you don't, which is where The Internet In America's 2017 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings come into play. Every Wednesday throughout the '17 season we'll post our own selections for the best teams in college football, complete with hilariously un-P.C. (yet surprisingly thorough) recaps of their last games as well as a brief preview of their upcoming contests. Plus, we're throwing in a whole bunch of animated GIFs you can steal and post elsewhere on the 'net, because we're cool like that. Simply put, you won't get better NCAA football analysis anywhere on the Internet - and if anybody else dare claims their rankings are more authoritative, you proudly have my permission to go to their corporate offices and take a big fat stankin' shat right on their doorsteps. And with all of that out of the way, who's ready to revisit the week that was in the best kind of football there is - the one with unpaid black people without due process in rape accusations?

#01

Central Florida (12-0)

Next Opponent: vs. Auburn (Peach Bowl - Jan. 01)

No, we're not being facetious, nor are we high on crack cocaine. The fact of the matter is that out of the 120-or-something teams in division I-A college football, only the Knights were able to wrap up the year sans a single defeat, and that's a towering achievement even if they are relegated to AAC play (which, with teams like Memphis and South Florida in it, is way tougher than most analysts want to give it credit for.) Alas, we'll see if UCF is the real deal on New Year's Day, when they go toe-to-toe with a dejected Auburn team that has nothing to play for but pride; and if Central Florida comes out on top, expect plenty of chatter in the offseason about the inclusivity of non-power fivers come next year's championship playoffs.

#02

Clemson (12-1)

Next Opponent: vs. Alabama (Sugar Bowl - Jan. 01)

After bitch slapping Miami 38-3 for the ACC crown, the Tigers secured the number one overall seed in the National Championship Playoffs, which means they get to lock elbows and assholes with Alabama yet again. This will be the third year in a row the two teams have met in the playoffs; alas, this time around it's not for the Championship trophy, but the honor and the privilege to play for said trophy in one more game. Needless to say - expect a lot of bruising hits and a lot of blood on the turf for that one.

#03

Oklahoma (12-1)

Next Opponent: vs. Georgia (Rose Bowl - Jan. 01)

Steamrolling TCU 41-17 to scoop up the Big 12 crown, Baker Mayfield and pals locked up the number two seed in the playoffs, thus scoring them a date with the third ranked Georgia Bulldogs on New Year's Day. Before then, however, Mayfield is a virtual shoe-in to pick up the Heisman trophy in New York in a few weeks, and for good reason; with a 71 percent completion rate, he's the most accurate quarterback in college football - in addition to leading the nation in yards per pass attempt (11.8) and overall passing efficiency (at 203.8, about 20 points higher than the country's second highest rated QB.)

#04

Georgia (12-1)

Next Opponent: vs. Oklahoma (Rose Bowl - Jan. 01)

The Bulldogs avenged a 40-14 ass whupping from Auburn three weeks back by returning the favor and kicking the War Eagle shit out of Gus Malzahn's boys 28-7 in last weekend's SEC Championship Game. That puts Georgia in the No. 3 slot for the National Championship Playoffs, thus setting up a New Year's semifinals clash with Oklahoma on Jan. 01. It's going to be an interesting matchup, for sure - especially seeing if the nation's best quarterback can hang with Georgia' vicious defense, which is ranked No. 2 in the country in fewest passing yards allowed per game.

#05

Alabama (11-1)

Next Opponent: vs. Clemson (Sugar Bowl - Jan. 01)

No SEC Championship, no problem! With Georgia beating Auburn for the conference title and Ohio State defeating Wisconsin for the Big 10 Championship, fate smiled upon the Tide as they managed to creep their way into the fourth and final National Playoffs Championship spot. That puts Alabama on a collision course with a foe they know very, very well - fellow one-loss Clemson, who defeated 'Bama last year for the National Title.

Can you say you've really lived until an Alabama MILF assaults you at a football game?

#06

Wisconsin (12-1)

Next Opponent: vs. Miami (Orange Bowl - Dec. 30)

After losing 27-21 to Ohio State in the Big 10 Championship Game Saturday, the Badgers not only saw their undefeated season fly out the window, but their national championship aspirations along with it. Alas, the Badgers do get a pretty nice consolation price - an all expense paid trip to sunny Miami, where they will go toe-to-toe with the Hurricanes on their home turf. Wait - that actually sounds like a pretty shitty consolation price, now that I think about it a bit.

#07

Ohio State (11-2)

Next Opponent: vs. USC (Cotton Bowl - Dec. 29)

The good news is that, via a 27-21 win over Wisconsin, the Buckeyes won the Big 10 title over the weekend. The bad news is that because they lost to Oklahoma in week 2 and then got BTFO by Iowa by 30 points last month, the playoffs selection committee decided one-loss Alabama was a more deserving finalist. The question now is, will that ire from being left out be enough to fuel them to beat up on the Trojans at the Cotton Bowl, or are they so deflated they won't even give half a shit what happens on the field until next fall?

#08

USC (11-2)

Next Opponent: vs. Ohio State (Cotton Bowl - Dec. 29)

The Trojans hung on to beat Stanford 31-28 Friday night, in the process securing themselves yet another PAC-12 Championship. While they won't be participating in the National Playoffs, they do get a chance to boost their 2018 preseason rankings with a victory over Ohio State in the Cotton Bowl - that is, if either team feels like turning in performances that could even remotely be described as enthusiastic.

#09

Miami (10-2)

Next Opponent: vs. Wisconsin (Orange Bowl - Dec. 30)

With Clemson drubbing 'em 38-3 in the ACC title game, Miami said "adios, National Playoffs" and sure as sugar, wound up playing de facto host at the Orange Bowl. The Hurricanes will tango with the Badgers on New Year's Eve eve in what should be a pretty decent little ball game - you know, assuming nobody treats it like a glorified exhibition game, which, let's face it, they probably will.

#10

Penn State (10-2)

Next Opponent: vs. Washington (Fiesta Bowl - Dec. 30)

After getting snubbed out of the Big 10 Championship, the Nittany Lions will wrap up their 2017 season with a stay at the Fiesta Bowl, where they'll do battle with the Huskies. In fact, if you keep your eyes peeled, you might even see the Penn State team van rolling across the country en route to the contest. Here's the most recent file photo of the vehicle the Nittany Lions use to transport players and personnel to and fro, so you'll know when to alert the young 'uns the boys in blue are coming through your neck of the woods ...

Hell yeah, Penn State's in town!

#11

Washington (10-2)

Next Opponent: vs. Penn State (Fiesta Bowl - Dec. 30)

The Huskies got screwed out of the PAC-12 Championship the final week of the regular season, but with a 10-2 record they're still one of the better overall football teams in I-A ball. It really don't account for much of nothin', but Washington nonetheless has an an opportunity to earn one more victory in '17 when they clash with Penn State at the Fiesta Bowl. And if getting the bitter taste of late season disappointment outta' their mouths isn't enough of an incentive for them to bring their A game, the opportunity to knock the shit out of a bunch of paedo protectors probably should.

#12

Memphis (10-2)

Next Opponent: vs. Iowa State (Liberty Bowl - Dec. 30)

The Tigers came up on the short end of the stick Saturday, losing a thriller in overtime 62-55 to Central Florida. Alas, that high scoring Memphis offense (as well as their atrocious pass coverage) gets one last opportunity to shortwire the scoreboard, as they go cleat-to-cleat with Iowa State at the Liberty Bowl in what should be a pretty entertaining little affair. Note to gamblers: whatever the over/under is, DEFINITELY go over for that 'un.

#13

South Florida (9-2)

Next Opponent: vs. Texas Tech (Birmingham Bowl -  Dec. 23)

As of press time, the Heisman finalists haven't been announced but in our eyes, USF gunslinger Quinton Flowers definitely deserves a nomination. The dude only has 2,600 yards on the season, with a passing TD-to-INT ratio of 21-to-6, plus almost 1,000 yards rushing with ten scrambling touchdowns. Expect the Bulls to pile the points on when they tangle with the Red Raiders the day before Christmas Eve at the Birmingham Bowl - and considering the porous aerial coverage of both teams' defenses, I wouldn't be surprised if the conservative over/under estimates were damn near 100 combined points.

#14

Toledo (11-2)

Next Opponent: vs. Appalachian State (Dollar General Bowl - Dec. 23)

Yep, you motherfuckers thought I was joshing you all season long, but nope - the Dollar General Bowl is a real thing, and the fact that Toledo and Appalachian State are both playing in it is pretty much the most fitting thing in the history of humanity. All I can say is that if anybody made me skip Christmas with the fam to play a meaningless football game in Mobile, Alabama, they better give me one hell of a gift card, that's for damned sure. 

#15

San Diego State (10-2)

Next Opponent: vs. Army (Armed Forces Bowl - Dec. 23)

The Aztecs have the best winning percentage in the Mountain West Conference, but they didn't play in the conference championship game (more on that in just a bit.) Which, for us, is kinda beneficial, since that means they'll now play Army in the Armed Forces Bowl, pitting two of the most run-heavy teams in college ball against one another in what's pretty much a de facto rugby game. If nothing else, it's probably worth going out of your way to see Rashaad Penny play his final collegiate game - who, yeah, will probably make for one hell of a running back in the pros next season.

Oh, we have to meme "overly excited Troy football player" into reality ...

#16

Troy (10-2)

Next Opponent: vs. North Texas (New Orleans Bowl - Dec. 16)

The next time you think you've been giving a tough task, remind yourself "yeah, this is pretty hard, but at least I'm not being forced to say something about Troy's football team." And since I'm totally spent on everything I know about the squad (fun fact: they play in Troy, Alabama and their official logo has an oddly pronounced "J," for seemingly no apparent reason), I'll just say this about their upcoming tilt against North Texas in the New Orleans Bowl - absolutely fuckin' nothing.

#17

Auburn (10-3)

Next Opponent: vs. Central Florida (Peach Bowl - Jan. 01)

So Auburn beat Georgia and Alabama - both of whom were ranked No. 1 in the country at the time - and over the weekend, they get their asses kicked by the Bulldogs in a game that eliminated them from National Playoffs contention. You know, there's really only one thing worse than losing the SEC Championship, losing a shot at the National Championship and facilitating your arch rival's sudden boost into what would've been your playoffs seed - and that's doing all of that and then losing to an AAC team at the very same building a month later. Which, uh, couldn't possibly happen, right?

#18

Boise State (10-3)

Next Opponent: vs. Oregon (Las Vegas Bowl - Dec. 16)

Two weeks ago, Boise State got shellacked by Fresno State in their regular season finale. So, naturally, the two teams met again in the MWC Championship Game Saturday, and - of course - this time the Broncos ended up winning the whole kit and caboodle 17-14. That puts the Blue Turfers in line for a trip to Vegas to duke it out with Oregon - which means both teams will probably be too busy trying to spot potential snipers in the vicinity's hotels to actually play a decent ball game. Hey, don't get mad at me for simply saying what we're all thinking here ...

#19

TCU (10-3)

Next Opponent: vs. Stanford (Alamo Bowl - Dec. 28)

The Horned Frogs got gigged by the Sooners Saturday, losing the Big 12 title game 41-17. Alas, Texas Christian University has a chance to make their lord and savior (and much more importantly, their team boosters) happy with a victory over the always singular Cardinal at the Alamo Bowl on December 28. And let's don't pretend both teams are more excited about visiting the Alamo gift shop than actually playing a football game in this scenario.

#20

Oklahoma State (9-3)

Next Opponent: vs. Virginia Tech (Camping World Bowl - Dec. 28)

While everybody's gushing over that other Oklahoma quarterback, the fact of the matter is that Mason Rudolph hasn't done too bad for himself this year. As a matter of fact, it's he and not Baker What's-His-Name who leads Division I-A in aerial yards. And something tells me he's gonna' have plenty of opportunities to add to his seasonal stockpile when the Cowboys meet the Hokies at the Camping World Bowl on December 28 - I'm guessing an extra 400, at the absolute minimum.

So yeah, 60 minutes of this was pretty much what the Big 12 Championship Game was like.

#21

LSU (9-3)

Next Opponent: vs. Notre Dame (Citrus Bowl - Jan. 01)

It wasn't exactly a stellar season for the Tigers, but they can end the season on a high note by defeating the Irish at the Citrus Bowl on New Year's Day. By the way, did you know the Citrus Bowl is sponsored by Buffalo Wild Wings, which was recently bought out by Arby's? Well, they did - and I'd appreciate it very much if you helped me grasp at those fuckin' straws here.

#22

Notre Dame (9-3)

Next Opponent: vs. LSU (Citrus Bowl - Jan. 01)

The Irish, having suffered crushing losses to Miami and Stanford, respectively, at the end of the regular season, have one more chance to redeem themselves when they challenge the LSU Tigers at the Citrus Bowl on Jan. 1. Hey, did you know the Citrus Bowl is in Orlando, which by some estimates, is expected to have a population larger than Los Angeles by 2100? Now that's a mighty fine straw, I tell you what.

#23

Northwestern (9-3)

Next Opponent: vs. Kentucky (Music City Bowl - Dec. 29)

The Wildcats head into the Music City Bowl with a seven-game win streak. And oddly enough, the team they're playing in that game, Kentucky, is also nicknamed the Wildcats. And that was also the name of a movie starring Goldie Hawn, who - much like everybody reading this - doesn't give one inkling of a shit who wins that particular ball game. 

#24

Washington State (9-3)

Next Opponent: vs. Michigan State (Holiday Bowl - Dec. 28)

It'll be the Cougars against the Spartans in the Holiday Bowl in a battle of 9-3 also-rans. Hey, did you know that the Holiday Bowl is sponsored by the San Diego Credit Union? Just bringing that up, because San Diego sure as hell hasn't been seeing a whole lot of football in that stadium this year, if you catch my drift ...

#25

Florida Atlantic (10-3)

Next Opponent: vs. Akron (Boca Raton Bowl - Dec. 19)

And for the first time this season, the Florida Atlantic Owls make an appearance in the top 25 rankings. That can largely be attributed to their strong showing in the Conference USA Championship Game, in which they defeated North Texas 41-17. Strangely enough, the streaking Owls (who've won their last ten games) started off the season 0-3. Which once again reminds us all - if at first, you don't succeed, only compete against people who are far less talented than you and then act like you've actually accomplished something by defeating inferior opponents.

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2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week 6!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

This Week's Episode:

"Oh, So This is Why TV Ratings Are Down ..."

THE ELITES

#01

Kansas City Chiefs (5-1)

Season Point Differential: +47

The Chiefs finally got bumped off the roll call of the unbeatens over the weekend, losing 19-13 to the Steelers at home. Alex Smith went 19 for 34 for 246 yards and one TD pass in the affair, but holy hell, what happened to K.C.'s run game? Not only did their defense implode and let Le'Veon Bell gut 'em for 179 yards, their own run game could only muster 28 total yards of offense altogether, with top back Kareem Hunt finishing the afternoon with a scant 21 rushing yards.

#02

Philadelphia Eagles (5-1)

Season Point Differential: +43

The Eagles came out on top against the Panthers on a back-and-forth Thursday night battle, ultimately clinching the W 28-23. Carson Wentz had another fantastic outing, going 16 for 30 for 222 yards and three touchdown passes, while the Eagles defense was able to force three interceptions off Cam Newton. The run game didn't look too shabby, neither, as Philadelphia outgrounded the Panthers by a 101 to 80 yard margin.

#03

Los Angeles Rams (4-2)

Season Point Differential: +41

In what could be a Super Bowl preview (no, for fuckin' real), the Rams managed to outpoint the Jaguars 27-17 last Sunday. Todd Gurley (116 yards on 23 carries) had another solid outing, but Jared Goff underperformed with just 124 yards and a solo TD on 11 completions. Thankfully, the Rams' special teams was there to help counteract the lackluster passing attack; not only did Pharaoh Cooper take the opening kick 103 yards to paydirt, Malcolm Brown also recovered a blocked Jags' punt for an easy six on the scoreboard.

#04

Minnesota Vikings (4-2)

Season Point Differential: +19

Well, it was a competitive game against Green Bay, up until the point Aaron Rodgers got carted off the field. After that, the Vikes went buck wild, collecting three interceptions off backup QB Brett Hundley en route to a facile 23-10 victory. Not that Case Keenum didn't do something for Minnesota's offense - he did finish the game 24 for 38 for 238 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio, didn't he?

#05

Pittsburgh Steelers (4-2)

Season Point Differential: +16

One week after looking like he was half-retarded against Jacksonville, Big Ben bounced back in a big way Sunday. In the Steelers' 19-13 win over K.C., Roethlisberger went 17 for 25 for 252 yards and an even 1-to-1 TD-to-INT ratio. And Pittsburgh's run game looked fucking fantastic on both sides of the ball, amassing 194 ground yards on their end and holding the Chiefs' potent rushing attack to an astoundingly low 28 yards on the day.

#06

New England Patriots (4-2)

Season Point Differential: +13

Slowly but surely, the Pats are playing more and more like the team we all know and hate with a fucking passion. New England's latest win comes in the form of a hyper-controversial 24-17 "win" against the Jets, in which an obvious touchdown haul for New York was overturned as a fumble that flew out of the end zone. Stay tuned for this weekend's contest against Atlanta ... I'm sure they've got some downright Dick Dastardly shit planned for the big Super Bowl rematch.

#07

Green Bay Packers (4-2)

Season Point Differential: +12

That loud, aluminum-can-tab-sounding click you're hearing to the north is the echo of the entire state of Wisconsin collectively drinking themselves into oblivion following the aftermath of Sunday's game against the Vikings. Not only did they get blistered 23-10 by their arch rivals, they lost franchise QB Aaron Rodgers for what may be the remainder of the season with a broken collarbone. And if the performance of backup quarterback Brett Hundley (18 for 33 for 157 yards, one TD and three interceptions) is any indication, there may not be enough Old Milwaukee on the planet to quell the sorrows of cheeseheads home and abroad.

#08

Carolina Panthers (4-2)

Season Point Differential: +6

The good news about the Panthers' 28-23 prime time loss to Philadelphia last Thursday is that Cam Newton chalked up plenty of ground-based yardage, finishing the game with 71 yards and one touchdown on 11 carries. Unfortunately, Cam (28 for 52, 239 yards, one TD) also finished the game with a QBR of 40.0, thanks in no small part to those three interceptions he lobbed. And those two sacks - and nine after-the-pass QB hits - doesn't exactly bode well for the guy's longevity in an already historically injury-prone season ... 

Touchdown Jets! LOL, J/K. Fuck the Jets and everybody who likes them.

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

#09

New Orleans Saints (3-2)

Season Point Differential: +29

In a live action remake of NFL Fever 2002 on the Xbox, the Saints and the Lions combined for an astonishing 90 points in Sunday's defense-deficient contest. Ultimately, Drew Brees and pals wound up with the upper hand, besting Detroit 52-38. If you're looking for an under-the-radar fantasy football pick up, you'd be wise to give N.O. back Mark Ingram a good look-see - he finished last Sunday's outing with 114 yards and two touchdowns on 25 carries.

#10

Seattle Seahawks (3-2)

Season Point Differential: +23

The Seahawks had a bye last weekend and will return this Sunday to go nose-to-nose with the 1-5 Giants. At this juncture in the season, the Seahawks are averaging 337.6 yards per game, making them the League's 16th ranked offense. And on the flip side of the field, Seattle is allowing 330 yards a contest, making them the NFL's 15th ranked defense overall.

#11

Buffalo Bills (3-2)

Season Point Differential: +15

The Bills were out of action last Sunday, but they'll be back this weekend to butt heads with Tampa Bay. Posting just 271.6 yards per game, Buffalo possesses the League's second-worst offense; allowing 322.4 yards a game, they fare much better and are currently slotted in as the NFL's 13th best defense.

#12

Atlanta Falcons (3-2)

Season Point Differential: +12

At the beginning of the third quarter, the Falcons were up 17-0 against the Dolphins. Of course, this being the same old Falcons, they somehow found a way to piss it all away and let Miami drop 20 unanswered points on them in the second half. If this story sounds slightly familiar to you ... well, it should. 

#13

Denver Broncos (3-2)

Season Point Differential: +11

In the biggest upset of the NFL season so far, the Broncos got dick slapped 23-10 by the formerly winless (and virtually receiver-less) Giants at home last Sunday night. If you're wondering how this happened despite Trevor Siemian outpassing the husk of Eli Manning's career 376 to 128 yards - well, that makes two of us, actually.

#14

Washington Redskins (3-2)

Season Point Differential: +4

In a surprisingly close contest, the Redskins just barely beat the now 0-6 Niners by a slim 26-24 final score. Credit Kirk Cousins' consistent passing for most of the victory. He finished the game 25 for 37 for 330 yards, two touchdowns and one INT, with leading receiver Chris Thompson (who is actually a running back) finishing the outing with 105 yards on just four catches (plus 33 rushing yards on 16 carries, but that's just an aside, really.)

#15

Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3)

Season Point Differential: +46

Despite Jacksonville winning both the numerical passing and rushing yardage war against Los Angeles, the Jags still succumbed to the Rams last Sunday, 27-17. Leonard Fournette (130 yards and one TD on 21 carries) and Blake Bortles (23 for 35 for 241 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio) both had outstanding performances, but Jacksonville's special teams coverage completely shit the bed, giving up not one but two easy touchdowns for the Rams.

#16

Houston Texans (3-3)

Season Point Differential: +30

Deshaun Watson's rookie of the year - hell, maybe even overall MVP of the year - campaign continued in a 33-17 victory against the Browns last Sunday. The Clemson product went 17 for 29 in the win, finishing the outing with 225 yards, three touchdowns and one interception, with all three of his end zone strikes landing in the arms of separate receivers. And let's give that Houston D some credit - granted, it was the Browns they were playing against, but holding any aerial offense to just 113 yards after the sack yardage loss count is damned impressive anyway you slice it.

Go ahead ... try to count how many Jaguars players take a faceplant trying to catch this mofo.

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

#17

Detroit Lions (3-3)

Season Point Differential: +12

Some defensive and special teams snafus cost the Lions dearly in their 52-38 loss to the Saints. Despite racking up 312 yards in the air and three touchdown passes, Matt Stafford also got sacked five times for negative 31 yards and lobbed three interceptions - including a game-closing pick six to Cameron Jordan with just five minutes left in the fourth quarter. Add to that another two fumbles - including one that resulted in a quick Saints scramble into enemy end zone - and it kinda' becomes apparent why Detroit dropped this 'un, don't it?

#18

Baltimore Ravens (3-3)

Season Point Differential: -10

Baltimore came up on the wrong side of an overtime loss, dropping Sunday's tilt against Chicago 27-24 in extra innings (and for the record, can somebody tell me when the NFL shortened overtime play to just ten minutes, and do they plan on doing that shit in the playoffs, as well?) Joe Flacco, most notably, turned in one of his worst performances of the season in the loss, going 24 for 41 for 180 yards, no touchdown passes and two interceptions - including a 90-yard pick six tossed into the waiting arms of Adrian Amos late in the fourth quarter.

#19

Tennessee Titans (3-3)

Season Point Differential: -18

Marcus Mariota had a big game in the Titans' 36-22 win against Indianapolis. He wrapped up the affair 23 for 32 for 206 yards, one TD and one INT, with leading receiver Eric Decker collecting 88 yards on seven receptions. Tennessee can definitely credit their ground performance for the victory; the Titans managed to outrush the Colts 168 yards to 58, with DeMarco Murray and Derrick Henry each posting one TD run apiece.

#20

New York Jets (3-3)

Season Point Differential: -21

The Jets are going to be incensed about Sunday's "LOL, that touchdown was actually a fumble" call from now until the end of time, but that shouldn't take away from the team's fairly impressive overachieving against the defending Super Bowl champs in the weekend's 24-17 defeat. For starters, Josh McCown easily bested Tom Brady in the air, recording 354 yards and two touchdowns on 31 completions. I mean, sure, he also lobbed two interceptions and got sacked four times for minus 20 yards, too, but come on - this is one of those rare instances where a participation trophy is actually well-deserved.

#21

Arizona Cardinals (3-3)

Season Point Differential: -39

Hey, remember last week, when I wondered out loud if Arizona signing Adrian Peterson was a bad idea? Well, I reckon I can shut my goddamn whore of a mouth right now, seeing as how A.P. collected 134 yards and two rushing touchdowns in the Cards' 38-33 win against Tampa Bay Sunday. Shit, even Carson Palmer looked better than he had any right to be, lobbing the rock for 283 yards and three touchdowns. Keep that kinda' consistent offense rolling, and not only might this team make the wildcard round, they might even steal the NFC West crown underneath all our noses. 

#22

Miami Dolphins (3-2)

Season Point Differential: -23

Down 17-o at halftime against Atlanta, Miami managed to mount a 20 point come from behind victory Sunday. With Jay Cutler going 19 for 33 for 151 yards and two TDs (plus a solo INT), you can credit most of the win to the Fins' run game - more specifically, Jay Ajayi, who finished the contest with 130 yards on 26 carries.

#23

Cincinnati Bengals (2-3)

Season Point Differential: +1

The Bengals had a bye last weekend and will return Sunday for a pivotal AFC North clash against the Steelers. Averaging 311 yards a game, the Bengals are ranked 24th in overall offense, but allowing just 262.8 yards a contest, they currently possess the League's second-best defense ... you know, statistically, anyway.

#24

Oakland Raiders (2-4)

Season Point Differential: -2

The Raiders dropped a tough 'un against the Chargers last Sunday, losing a 17-16 intra-AFC West scrap at home. In his first game back from a back injury, Derek Carr went 21 for 30 for 171 yards, one TD and two interceptions, while the Oakland backfield marginally outrushed Los Angeles 109 yards to 80. We'll see if the addition of NaVorro Bowman does anything to spark the team ahead of tonight's pivotal intra-conference battle against the Chiefs - and if it doesn't, you REALLY have to start asking some questions about Todd Downing's job security. And, as always, if you care to relive all of the misery and disappointment of last Sunday's game, you can check out our FREE replay (sorta') of the Raiders' loss anytime you want right here.

Please, do feel free to add your own Chris Berman "WHOOP!" sound effects.

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

#25

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-3)

Season Point Differential: -3

Don't let the 38-33 final score fool you - in their loss to Arizona over the weekend, the Buccaneers were nowhere close to winning the game. Heading into the third quarter the Cardinals had amassed a 31-0 lead, and pretty much all of the Bucs' offensive production came in the form of garbage time points - although Lavonte David's 21-yard fumble return was kinda' cool, I guess.

#26

Dallas Cowboys (2-3)

Season Point Differential: -7

Although the Cowboys didn't take the field Sunday, they might as well chalk up their bye week as a loss. Why? Because a federal court upheld the League's initial six-game ban of Ezekiel Elliot, but wait a minute ... just when it looked like Texas' No. 1 domestic abuser not named "Steve Austin" was going to be out of action until December, another judge turned around and declared the other judge's ruling on the injunction invalid, so Ezey E will be allowed to play at least one more game this season before his fate is finally decided. Anyhoo, by the time this thing goes to print, we SHOULD have a firm idea whether or not we'll be seeing Elliot playing anytime soon. Or not. It's really 5o/50 at this point.

#27

Los Angeles Chargers (2-4)

Season Point Differential: -15

Thanks to a botched PAT attempt on behalf of the Raiders, the L.A. Chargers managed to muster a 17-16 last-second win against Oakland Sunday. Philip Rivers went 25 for 36 in the win, finishing the game with 268 yards and one TD strike. Running back Melvin Gordon also played quite well, racking up 83 yards and one TD running the ball and another 67 yards (plus another touchdown) as a receiver.

#28

Chicago Bears (2-4)

Season Point Differential: -43

The Bears got their second win of the year via a 27-24 overtime victory against the Ravens. Mitch "The Bitch" Trubisky went 8 for 16 for 113 yards and one TD pass, while Jordan Howard racked up 167 yards on 36 carries. And, uh, because I can't think of anything really noteworthy to say about the rest of the team's performance, how about we check out Adrian Amos' 90-yard interception return again?

#29

Indianapolis Colts (2-4)

Season Point Differential: -76

The Luck-less Colts stumbled again Monday night, dropping an AFC South tilt against the Titans 36-22. Jacoby "Whisker Biscuit" Brissett finished the game 21 for 37 for 212 yards and one TD, while Frank Gore ran for an underwhelming 49 yards on ten carries, with zero end zone visitations. But on the plus side, at least the O-line held up pretty well - not only did they prevent Brissett from getting sacked once, they only let Titans' defenders hit him after the pass four times ... which, I know, does't sound all that great, but considering what defenses earlier in the season have done to the poor chap, it's basically a minor miracle. 

#30

New York Giants (1-5)

Season Point Differential: -27

The Giants, amazingly, managed to avoid an 0-6 start by beating the Broncos in Denver 23-10 in a prime time clash that had their foes listed as 13.5-point favorites. Eli Manning's 128-yard passing day wasn't much of a factor, but the G-Men's rushing attack was (probably) the difference maker. At the final horn, the Broncos only had 46 yards on the ground, while New York nearly tripled their rushing production with 148 yards, with top back Orleans Darkwa recording 117 on 21 carries.

#31

San Francisco 49ers (0-6)

Season Point Differential: -33

It's kinda' ironic that the name of San Fran's QB is C.J. Beathard, because over the weekend, the team got beat hard by the Redskins in a 26-24 slugfest. Despite the guy who isn't Colin Kaepernick having a mostly ho-hum day with 245 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio, at least long-time 49ers back Carlos Hyde looked pretty decent, registering two touchdowns and 28 yards on just 13 carries.

#32

Cleveland Browns (0-6)

Season Point Differential: -63

Yep, the Browns are still sans a victory following their 33-17 loss to the Texans. Quarterback Kevin Hogan went 20 for 37 for 140 yards, racking up one TD but lobbing three costly interceptions, while Cleveland's rushing attack - despite picking 134 yards of offense - couldn't convert any of 'em into points on the board. If the team comes up short against Tennessee this weekend, you have to expect some firings to go down. Which, in this case, begs the question: do NFL bylaws allow executives to fire an entire team at one time?

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2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week Four!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

This Week's Episode:

"The Curse of Parity (a.k.a, 'Fuck it, every team in the League is just going to finish 8-8, aren't they?')"

THE ELITES

01

Kansas City Chiefs (4-0)

Season Point Differential: +45

A quarter of our way through the 2017 season and the Chiefs remain the sole unbeaten team in pro football. Despite getting sacked four times, KC QB Alex Smith was nonetheless able to complete 27 passes for 293 yards and one TD in his team's 29-20 Monday night win over the Redskins, while Kareem Hunt's stellar rookie season continued with a 21-carry, 101-yards-rushing day - albeit, without getting any whiffs of the end zone. 

02

Los Angeles Rams (3-1)

Season Point Differential: +37

Running back Todd Gurley had a monster game against the Cowboys last Sunday. In the Rams' 35-30 victory, Gurley rushed for 121 yards on 23 carries - that, on top of the 94 yards and one end zone visit he chalked up as a receiver. And yes, Jared Goff was quite solid, too, going 21 for 36 for 255 yards and two passing touchdowns.

03

Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1)

Season Point Differential: +31

Le'Veon Bell ran the shit out of the ball in the Steelers' 26-9 win over Baltimore. Pittsburgh's top back finished the game with 144 yards and two touchdowns on 35 carries, along with another 42 receiving yards on four catches. And the Steelers' D certainly made Joe Flacco's life miserable, hitting him after the throw seven times and sacking his ass four times for a cumulative loss of 29 yards.

04

Detroit Lions (3-1)

Season Point Differential: +29

It wasn't pretty, but the Lions did manage to best the Vikings 14-7 in a Whoopi Goldberg-ugly NFC North throwdown. Going 19 for 31, Matt Stafford managed to rack up 209 yards and no scores in the outing, and while he didn't toss any interceptions, he did get sacked by Minnesota defenders six times for a combined yardage loss of negative 55, in addition to getting walloped after the pass eight times. All I can say is get that motherfucker some Goody's headache powder - with an O-line that weak, the poor bastard's going to need as much of it as he can legally stockpile.

05

Denver Broncos (3-1)

Season Point Differential: +24

Give the Broncos' run game all the credit for their 16-10 win over the Raiders. Their running back corps (led by C.J. Anderson, who finished the game with 95 yards) topped out at 143, while their defense limited Oakland to a downright retarded 24 rushing yards on the day. Still Trevor Siemian looked shaky as fuck at quarterback; he completed the game 16 for 26 for 179 yards on just one TD pass and got sacked by Raiders' defenders four times for a net 24 yard loss. 

06

Green Bay Packers (3-1)

Season Point Differential: +21

Aaron Rodgers and pals steamrolled NFC North adversaries Chicago last Thursday night, pounding the Bears 35-14 at Lambeau. Rodgers finished the game with four touchdown passes, ultimately collecting 179 yards on 18 passes. Oh, and if you're wondering if Jordy Nelson is "back," per se? I think his two-touchdown, 75-yards-receiving day answers that little enigma, don't it? 

07

Buffalo Bills (3-1)

Season Point Differential: +19

The difference maker for Buffalo in their 23-17 upset road win against Atlanta was definitely Tre'Davious White's 52 yard fumble return for a TD in the third quarter. And while the Falcons did manage to make it a 17-17 game with seven minutes left in the fourth, two back-to-back (and unanswered) 55-yard-plus field goals from Stephen Hauschka (remember that name for when he goes wide right in the Super Bowl) gave the Bills all the padding they needed. By the way, the Bills currently have pole position in the AFC East, marking the first time the Patriots have been out of first place this late in the season since ... I don't know, a long time, I guess. 

08

Atlanta Falcons (3-1)

Season Point Differential: +15

Despite outyarding the Bills passing and running the ball, Buffalo nonetheless managed to, by and large, keep the Falcons out of the end zone in the team's 23-17 home loss over the weekend. Granted, Julio Jones and Mohamed Sanu both exited the game pretty early, so that might also explain the Falcons' defeat, too. Or maybe it was Matt Ryan's two interceptions, and especially that fumble he gave up that allowed Buffalo's defense to put an easy six points on the scoreboard. You know - maybe they're all factors, now that I think about it.

Buffalo Bills fans, seen here being totally oblivious to the colossal, heartbreaking failures that inevitably await them at season's end.

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

09

Philadelphia Eagles (3-1)

Season Point Differential: +11

The bad news for Philadelphia is that, in their narrow 26-24 win against the Chargers, they let Philip Rivers lob the pigskin for an absurd 347 yards. But on the plus side? Philadelphia pretty much jammed the ball down L.A.'s esophagus, outgaining them on the ground by an equally preposterous margin of 214-to-58. I'll just let LaGarrette Blount's 68 yard run here sum up the game for you. 

10

Carolina Panthers (3-1)

Season Point Differential: +8

It only took them 13 years, but the Panthers FINALLY exacted revenge for their Super Bowl XXXVIII loss to the Patriots. Cam Newton looked buck wild in Carolina's 33-30 victory against New England, going 22 for 29 throwing the ball for 316 yards and three touchdowns (and one interception) PLUS running the ball for another 44 yards and an additional trip to the end zone. That officially gives Cam Newton 50 rushing touchdowns as a pro football player, which he celebrated by doing a Black Power salute and insulting a female reporter.

11

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1)

Season Point Differential: +7

It was a close one, but the Bucs nonetheless managed to beat the Giants 25-23. Jameis Winston went 22 for 38 in the outing, finishing the contest with 332 yards and three passing touchdowns. Also performing well for Tampa Bay was receiver Cameron Brate (four catches, 80 yards, one TD) and running back Jacquizz Rodgers, who finished the game with 83 yards on 16 carries. 

12

Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2)

Season Point Differential: +35

The one-off, one-on theory I posited in last week's rankings proved meritorious on Sunday, as the Jags - semi inexplicably - dropped a 23-20 OT loss to the Jets. Alas, even if Blake Bortles' 140 yard, 1 TD and 1 INT day wasn't that impressive, you have to give props to Leonard Fournette, who racked up 86 rushing yards on 24 carries in the losing effort. That, in addition to the extra 59 yards and solo TD he pulled in as a receiver.  

13

Houston Texans (2-2)

Season Point Differential: +22

With Marcus Mariota exiting the game early, Deshaun Watson went fucking Super Saiyan against the Titans. In Houston's commanding 57-14 victory, the first-year QB racked up 283 yards of aerial offense and FOUR touchdown passes, in addition to the 24 yards and extra score he collected scrambling. And defensively, Houston pretty much widened the Titans' metaphorical sphincter to its maximum elasticity, with their D holding Tennessee to a meager 109 yards passing and just 86 running the ball. 

14

Seattle Seahawks (2-2)

Season Point Differential: +17

In their 46-18 win over Indianapolis, the Seahawks recorded two turnovers, and both of them resulted in defensive touchdowns - a 28-yard pick six for Justin Coleman and a 21-yard fumble return for Bobby Wagner. Still, Russell Wilson's play is woefully inconsistent. His 21 for 26, 295-yard, two touchdown day is undoubtedly impressive, but by that same token, you really have to scratch your head watching him lob two interceptions, eat three sacks AND give up a safety in one game.

15

New Orleans Saints (2-2)

Season Point Differential: +15

Fun fact: the New Orleans Saints are the only team in the League without any turnovers so far this season. Of course, that little stat held true in London over the weekend, as the Saints drubbed the Dolphins 20-0. Despite being older than dirt, Drew Brees is still getting it done in the air: he wrapped up Sunday's contest with 268 yards and two passing touchdowns on the day.

16

Oakland Raiders (2-2)

Season Point Differential: +12

Well, looks like Derek Carr is going to be in the shop for two to six weeks. He experienced a transverse process fracture in his back in the Raiders' 16-10 loss against the Broncos, which means E.J. Manuel (who finished the game 11 for 17 for 106 yards and a game-costing INT) will be leading the team until at least the big Thursday night game against the Chiefs on Oct. 19. The question now is, if E.J. Manuel gets on a hot streak, will the second-richest quarterback in the League be guaranteed a spot as starter? (Oh, and as always, you can relive last Sunday's game, as it happened - in my head - anytime you want at this little link right here.)

It's a little known rule, but according to NFL bylaws, all biracial quarterbacks MUST have really, really dumb looking haircuts to play in the League.

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

17

Minnesota Vikings (2-2)

Season Point Differential: +3

In a 14-7 in-division loss to the Lions, Case Keenum racked up 219 yards, no touchdowns and no interceptions on 16 completions. Even worse, the Vikes' top running back, rookie Dalvin Cook, got carted off the field with a season-ending injury. If it wasn't for this team's super-underrated defense - which sacked Matt Stafford half a dozen times last Sunday - I'd be hitting the "abandon ship" button right about now ...

18

Washington Redskins (2-2)

Season Point Differential: +2

Kirk Cousins put in a good showing in the Skins' 29-20 loss to the Chiefs last Monday night. He went 14 for 24 for 220 yards and two touchdown passes, with top receiver Vernon Davis hauling in two catches for 89 yards on the day. Former Raiders QB turned wideout Terrelle Pryor also had a solid showing, finishing the contest with 70 yards and one touchdown on three catches.

19

New England Patriots (2-2)

Season Point Differential: +1

Tom Brady went 32 for 45 in the Patriots' 33-30 home loss to the Panthers Sunday, finishing the game with 307 yards and two touchdown passes. The team's defensive woes continued, as Cam Newton lit 'em up for more than 300 yards in the air, while Carolina's potent rushing attack outyarded New England by a 140-to-80 margin. 

20

Dallas Cowboys (2-2)

Season Point Differential: -3

Unfortunately, Dak Prescott's three touchdown passes weren't enough to give the Cowboys the edge in Sunday's 35-30 loss to the Rams. Fantasy footballers, however were probably quite pleased by Ezekiel Elliott's performance; at the final horn, he had 85 yards and one rushing TD, plus another 54 yards and another trip to the end zone as a receiver. 

21

New York Jets (2-2)

Season Point Differential: -17

Don't look now, but after a disastrous 0-2 start, the Jets have won back-to-back games and now find themselves TIED with the Patriots for second-place in the AFC East. In New York's 23-20 overtime win against Jacksonville, Josh McCown went 22 for 31 for 224 yards, no touchdowns and one interception, with Robby Anderson leading the Jets receiving corps with 59 yards on three catches. But the really impressive thing about the Jets over the weekend was their run game: in particular, back Bilal Powell, who recorded an astounding 153 yards and one rushing TD on 21 carries.

22

Arizona Cardinals (2-2)

Season Point Differential: -17

The Cardinals' 18-15 overtime win over San Fran was every bit as thrilling as it sounds - which means it wasn't, by any stretch. Not that anybody really cares, but Carson Palmer's old ass is still putting up some impressive numbers; in Arizona's victory, he went 33 for 51 for 357 yards. Of course, he also got sacked SIX TIMES for a net loss of 40 yards, so yeah, make of that what you will concerning the quality of this team's offensive line.

23

Baltimore Ravens (2-2)

Season Point Differential: -20

In a 26-9 loss to the Steelers, Joe Flacco went 31 for 49 on pass attempts, with 235 yards, one TD and two interceptions. Despite back Alex Collins (82 yards, nine carries) and receiver Mike Wallace (55 yards, one TD, six receptions) having relatively decent days, you've got to wonder what happened to this squad, which after a hot 2-0 start, has now gotten drubbed in successive weeks. Which, naturally, begs the question: is the team going to reverse course this weekend, or will their showdown against the Raiders on Sunday make it three throttlings in a row? 

24

Tennessee Titans (2-2)

Season Point Differential: -24

Bad news, Titans fans - following Tennessee's 57-14 butthole pounding at the hands of Houston, starting QB Marcus Mariota is out indefinitely with some sort of hamstring injury. The Titans' front office, in all their infinite wisdom, turned to BRANDON GODDAMN WEEDEN as an emergency replacement - a player that wasn't even good enough to quarterback the fuckin' Cleveland Browns. The good news, I suppose, is that it's probably not too late to get a refund on your season tickets, though.

Further proof that Cleveland's defense is so bad, they couldn't catch AIDS doing needle drugs with Magic Johnson.

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

25

Cincinnati Bengals (1-3)

Season Point Differential: -3

For one week, at least, Andy Dalton was Andy Dalton again. In Cincinnati's blistering 31-7 win over Cleveland, the Red Rifle went 25 for 30 for 286 yards and four passing touchdowns, with receivers Tyler Kroft, Giovani Bernard and A.J. Green all hauling in at least one TD pass and finishing the game with a minimum of 60 yards receiving. And in perhaps the most hilarious stat of the weekend, Dalton was the top rusher for both teams, collecting nine more yards than the Browns' Isaiah "I Support Cop Killing" Crowell, despite having three fewer rushing attempts. 

26

Miami Dolphins (1-2)

Season Point Differential: -32

Was it jet lag? Tainted seafood? Too much confusion over converting yards into centimeters (you know, 'cause England uses that fruity-assed metric system and whatnot?) For whatever reason, the Fins' latest trip to Wembley resulted in a 20-0 blowout loss to the Saints, and yet another round of calls for Miami to bench Jay Cutler in favor of anybody who isn't named Jay Cutler. Sigh - if only Colin Kaepernick wasn't a member of the Fidel Castro Fan Club, he might have a job lined up for himself in South Beach.

27

Chicago Bears (1-3)

Season Point Differential: -43

No, Mike Glennon did not look too hot in the Bears' 35-14 loss to the Packers. He finished the game 21 for 33 for 218 yards and a 1-to-2 TD-to-INT ratio. But more troubling for the Bears' faithful? Jordan Howard's (relatively) underwhelming play - an unimpressive 53 yards on 18 carries.

28

Indianapolis Colts (1-3)

Season Point Differential: -65

There are not a lot of positives to take away from the Colts' brutal 46-18 prime time loss against the Seahawks last Sunday. Jacoby "Whisker Biscuit" Brissett was held to just 157 yards passing, which you can scale down to 139 once you factor in the yardage lost to the three times he got sacked. And Indy's run game looked even worse, recording 98 yards on the ground while allowing Seattle to chalk up 194 yards plus two rushing touchdowns.

29

Los Angeles Chargers (0-4)

Season Point Differential: -21

I know, I know, I'm turning into a broken record, but the Chargers really are the best winless team in pro football. That's evident by the team's 26-24 loss to the Eagles, in which Philip Rivers collected two touchdowns and 347 yards worth of aerial offense. But then again, this is a team that's 0-4 for a reason - and one of those reasons is the team's atrocious (in)ability to run the ball, in tandem with their defense's almost special needs-like inability to stop the run. 

30

San Francisco 49ers (0-4)

Season Point Differential: -28

The 49ers are still without a win following their 18-15 overtime loss to the Cardinals Sunday. Brian Hoyer went 24 for 49 in the loss, collecting 234 yards, no touchdowns and one interception on the day. Meanwhile, Carlos Hyde concluded the contest with 68 yards on 16 carries, and fuck, is it hard to think of anything else noteworthy to say about trash heap of a team's "performance."

31

New York Giants (0-4)

Season Point Differential: -35

Well, what can we say - the G-Men just can't catch a break. While the Giants made it close over the weekend, they still lost a 25-23 heartbreaker to the Bucs, which is especially morale crushing because the Giants had a two-point lead with about three minutes left in the game. Alas, Nick Folk's 34-yard field goal as time expired was a chip shot, and as such, the misery doth continue for Big Blue. So, uh, anybody want to take bets on how long before the front office announces a new head coach?

32

Cleveland Browns (0-4)

Season Point Differential: -44

Well, just when you think the Browns have hit the bottom of the septic tank, they go out there and lose 31-7 to the formerly winless Bengals. DeShone Kizer and Kevin Hogan combined for 170 passing yards, while the entire Cleveland backfield could only muster up 45 yards on the ground. We'll see if the team's luck improves against the perplexingly hot Jets this Sunday, but if they fall to 0-5? Shit, this might just be the first team in NFL history to get relegated back down to NCAA status, a'la the way they do shit over in the Premier League in England.

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