2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week 6!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

This Week's Episode:

"Oh, So This is Why TV Ratings Are Down ..."

THE ELITES

#01

Kansas City Chiefs (5-1)

Season Point Differential: +47

The Chiefs finally got bumped off the roll call of the unbeatens over the weekend, losing 19-13 to the Steelers at home. Alex Smith went 19 for 34 for 246 yards and one TD pass in the affair, but holy hell, what happened to K.C.'s run game? Not only did their defense implode and let Le'Veon Bell gut 'em for 179 yards, their own run game could only muster 28 total yards of offense altogether, with top back Kareem Hunt finishing the afternoon with a scant 21 rushing yards.

#02

Philadelphia Eagles (5-1)

Season Point Differential: +43

The Eagles came out on top against the Panthers on a back-and-forth Thursday night battle, ultimately clinching the W 28-23. Carson Wentz had another fantastic outing, going 16 for 30 for 222 yards and three touchdown passes, while the Eagles defense was able to force three interceptions off Cam Newton. The run game didn't look too shabby, neither, as Philadelphia outgrounded the Panthers by a 101 to 80 yard margin.

#03

Los Angeles Rams (4-2)

Season Point Differential: +41

In what could be a Super Bowl preview (no, for fuckin' real), the Rams managed to outpoint the Jaguars 27-17 last Sunday. Todd Gurley (116 yards on 23 carries) had another solid outing, but Jared Goff underperformed with just 124 yards and a solo TD on 11 completions. Thankfully, the Rams' special teams was there to help counteract the lackluster passing attack; not only did Pharaoh Cooper take the opening kick 103 yards to paydirt, Malcolm Brown also recovered a blocked Jags' punt for an easy six on the scoreboard.

#04

Minnesota Vikings (4-2)

Season Point Differential: +19

Well, it was a competitive game against Green Bay, up until the point Aaron Rodgers got carted off the field. After that, the Vikes went buck wild, collecting three interceptions off backup QB Brett Hundley en route to a facile 23-10 victory. Not that Case Keenum didn't do something for Minnesota's offense - he did finish the game 24 for 38 for 238 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio, didn't he?

#05

Pittsburgh Steelers (4-2)

Season Point Differential: +16

One week after looking like he was half-retarded against Jacksonville, Big Ben bounced back in a big way Sunday. In the Steelers' 19-13 win over K.C., Roethlisberger went 17 for 25 for 252 yards and an even 1-to-1 TD-to-INT ratio. And Pittsburgh's run game looked fucking fantastic on both sides of the ball, amassing 194 ground yards on their end and holding the Chiefs' potent rushing attack to an astoundingly low 28 yards on the day.

#06

New England Patriots (4-2)

Season Point Differential: +13

Slowly but surely, the Pats are playing more and more like the team we all know and hate with a fucking passion. New England's latest win comes in the form of a hyper-controversial 24-17 "win" against the Jets, in which an obvious touchdown haul for New York was overturned as a fumble that flew out of the end zone. Stay tuned for this weekend's contest against Atlanta ... I'm sure they've got some downright Dick Dastardly shit planned for the big Super Bowl rematch.

#07

Green Bay Packers (4-2)

Season Point Differential: +12

That loud, aluminum-can-tab-sounding click you're hearing to the north is the echo of the entire state of Wisconsin collectively drinking themselves into oblivion following the aftermath of Sunday's game against the Vikings. Not only did they get blistered 23-10 by their arch rivals, they lost franchise QB Aaron Rodgers for what may be the remainder of the season with a broken collarbone. And if the performance of backup quarterback Brett Hundley (18 for 33 for 157 yards, one TD and three interceptions) is any indication, there may not be enough Old Milwaukee on the planet to quell the sorrows of cheeseheads home and abroad.

#08

Carolina Panthers (4-2)

Season Point Differential: +6

The good news about the Panthers' 28-23 prime time loss to Philadelphia last Thursday is that Cam Newton chalked up plenty of ground-based yardage, finishing the game with 71 yards and one touchdown on 11 carries. Unfortunately, Cam (28 for 52, 239 yards, one TD) also finished the game with a QBR of 40.0, thanks in no small part to those three interceptions he lobbed. And those two sacks - and nine after-the-pass QB hits - doesn't exactly bode well for the guy's longevity in an already historically injury-prone season ... 

Touchdown Jets! LOL, J/K. Fuck the Jets and everybody who likes them.

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

#09

New Orleans Saints (3-2)

Season Point Differential: +29

In a live action remake of NFL Fever 2002 on the Xbox, the Saints and the Lions combined for an astonishing 90 points in Sunday's defense-deficient contest. Ultimately, Drew Brees and pals wound up with the upper hand, besting Detroit 52-38. If you're looking for an under-the-radar fantasy football pick up, you'd be wise to give N.O. back Mark Ingram a good look-see - he finished last Sunday's outing with 114 yards and two touchdowns on 25 carries.

#10

Seattle Seahawks (3-2)

Season Point Differential: +23

The Seahawks had a bye last weekend and will return this Sunday to go nose-to-nose with the 1-5 Giants. At this juncture in the season, the Seahawks are averaging 337.6 yards per game, making them the League's 16th ranked offense. And on the flip side of the field, Seattle is allowing 330 yards a contest, making them the NFL's 15th ranked defense overall.

#11

Buffalo Bills (3-2)

Season Point Differential: +15

The Bills were out of action last Sunday, but they'll be back this weekend to butt heads with Tampa Bay. Posting just 271.6 yards per game, Buffalo possesses the League's second-worst offense; allowing 322.4 yards a game, they fare much better and are currently slotted in as the NFL's 13th best defense.

#12

Atlanta Falcons (3-2)

Season Point Differential: +12

At the beginning of the third quarter, the Falcons were up 17-0 against the Dolphins. Of course, this being the same old Falcons, they somehow found a way to piss it all away and let Miami drop 20 unanswered points on them in the second half. If this story sounds slightly familiar to you ... well, it should. 

#13

Denver Broncos (3-2)

Season Point Differential: +11

In the biggest upset of the NFL season so far, the Broncos got dick slapped 23-10 by the formerly winless (and virtually receiver-less) Giants at home last Sunday night. If you're wondering how this happened despite Trevor Siemian outpassing the husk of Eli Manning's career 376 to 128 yards - well, that makes two of us, actually.

#14

Washington Redskins (3-2)

Season Point Differential: +4

In a surprisingly close contest, the Redskins just barely beat the now 0-6 Niners by a slim 26-24 final score. Credit Kirk Cousins' consistent passing for most of the victory. He finished the game 25 for 37 for 330 yards, two touchdowns and one INT, with leading receiver Chris Thompson (who is actually a running back) finishing the outing with 105 yards on just four catches (plus 33 rushing yards on 16 carries, but that's just an aside, really.)

#15

Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3)

Season Point Differential: +46

Despite Jacksonville winning both the numerical passing and rushing yardage war against Los Angeles, the Jags still succumbed to the Rams last Sunday, 27-17. Leonard Fournette (130 yards and one TD on 21 carries) and Blake Bortles (23 for 35 for 241 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio) both had outstanding performances, but Jacksonville's special teams coverage completely shit the bed, giving up not one but two easy touchdowns for the Rams.

#16

Houston Texans (3-3)

Season Point Differential: +30

Deshaun Watson's rookie of the year - hell, maybe even overall MVP of the year - campaign continued in a 33-17 victory against the Browns last Sunday. The Clemson product went 17 for 29 in the win, finishing the outing with 225 yards, three touchdowns and one interception, with all three of his end zone strikes landing in the arms of separate receivers. And let's give that Houston D some credit - granted, it was the Browns they were playing against, but holding any aerial offense to just 113 yards after the sack yardage loss count is damned impressive anyway you slice it.

Go ahead ... try to count how many Jaguars players take a faceplant trying to catch this mofo.

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

#17

Detroit Lions (3-3)

Season Point Differential: +12

Some defensive and special teams snafus cost the Lions dearly in their 52-38 loss to the Saints. Despite racking up 312 yards in the air and three touchdown passes, Matt Stafford also got sacked five times for negative 31 yards and lobbed three interceptions - including a game-closing pick six to Cameron Jordan with just five minutes left in the fourth quarter. Add to that another two fumbles - including one that resulted in a quick Saints scramble into enemy end zone - and it kinda' becomes apparent why Detroit dropped this 'un, don't it?

#18

Baltimore Ravens (3-3)

Season Point Differential: -10

Baltimore came up on the wrong side of an overtime loss, dropping Sunday's tilt against Chicago 27-24 in extra innings (and for the record, can somebody tell me when the NFL shortened overtime play to just ten minutes, and do they plan on doing that shit in the playoffs, as well?) Joe Flacco, most notably, turned in one of his worst performances of the season in the loss, going 24 for 41 for 180 yards, no touchdown passes and two interceptions - including a 90-yard pick six tossed into the waiting arms of Adrian Amos late in the fourth quarter.

#19

Tennessee Titans (3-3)

Season Point Differential: -18

Marcus Mariota had a big game in the Titans' 36-22 win against Indianapolis. He wrapped up the affair 23 for 32 for 206 yards, one TD and one INT, with leading receiver Eric Decker collecting 88 yards on seven receptions. Tennessee can definitely credit their ground performance for the victory; the Titans managed to outrush the Colts 168 yards to 58, with DeMarco Murray and Derrick Henry each posting one TD run apiece.

#20

New York Jets (3-3)

Season Point Differential: -21

The Jets are going to be incensed about Sunday's "LOL, that touchdown was actually a fumble" call from now until the end of time, but that shouldn't take away from the team's fairly impressive overachieving against the defending Super Bowl champs in the weekend's 24-17 defeat. For starters, Josh McCown easily bested Tom Brady in the air, recording 354 yards and two touchdowns on 31 completions. I mean, sure, he also lobbed two interceptions and got sacked four times for minus 20 yards, too, but come on - this is one of those rare instances where a participation trophy is actually well-deserved.

#21

Arizona Cardinals (3-3)

Season Point Differential: -39

Hey, remember last week, when I wondered out loud if Arizona signing Adrian Peterson was a bad idea? Well, I reckon I can shut my goddamn whore of a mouth right now, seeing as how A.P. collected 134 yards and two rushing touchdowns in the Cards' 38-33 win against Tampa Bay Sunday. Shit, even Carson Palmer looked better than he had any right to be, lobbing the rock for 283 yards and three touchdowns. Keep that kinda' consistent offense rolling, and not only might this team make the wildcard round, they might even steal the NFC West crown underneath all our noses. 

#22

Miami Dolphins (3-2)

Season Point Differential: -23

Down 17-o at halftime against Atlanta, Miami managed to mount a 20 point come from behind victory Sunday. With Jay Cutler going 19 for 33 for 151 yards and two TDs (plus a solo INT), you can credit most of the win to the Fins' run game - more specifically, Jay Ajayi, who finished the contest with 130 yards on 26 carries.

#23

Cincinnati Bengals (2-3)

Season Point Differential: +1

The Bengals had a bye last weekend and will return Sunday for a pivotal AFC North clash against the Steelers. Averaging 311 yards a game, the Bengals are ranked 24th in overall offense, but allowing just 262.8 yards a contest, they currently possess the League's second-best defense ... you know, statistically, anyway.

#24

Oakland Raiders (2-4)

Season Point Differential: -2

The Raiders dropped a tough 'un against the Chargers last Sunday, losing a 17-16 intra-AFC West scrap at home. In his first game back from a back injury, Derek Carr went 21 for 30 for 171 yards, one TD and two interceptions, while the Oakland backfield marginally outrushed Los Angeles 109 yards to 80. We'll see if the addition of NaVorro Bowman does anything to spark the team ahead of tonight's pivotal intra-conference battle against the Chiefs - and if it doesn't, you REALLY have to start asking some questions about Todd Downing's job security. And, as always, if you care to relive all of the misery and disappointment of last Sunday's game, you can check out our FREE replay (sorta') of the Raiders' loss anytime you want right here.

Please, do feel free to add your own Chris Berman "WHOOP!" sound effects.

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

#25

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-3)

Season Point Differential: -3

Don't let the 38-33 final score fool you - in their loss to Arizona over the weekend, the Buccaneers were nowhere close to winning the game. Heading into the third quarter the Cardinals had amassed a 31-0 lead, and pretty much all of the Bucs' offensive production came in the form of garbage time points - although Lavonte David's 21-yard fumble return was kinda' cool, I guess.

#26

Dallas Cowboys (2-3)

Season Point Differential: -7

Although the Cowboys didn't take the field Sunday, they might as well chalk up their bye week as a loss. Why? Because a federal court upheld the League's initial six-game ban of Ezekiel Elliot, but wait a minute ... just when it looked like Texas' No. 1 domestic abuser not named "Steve Austin" was going to be out of action until December, another judge turned around and declared the other judge's ruling on the injunction invalid, so Ezey E will be allowed to play at least one more game this season before his fate is finally decided. Anyhoo, by the time this thing goes to print, we SHOULD have a firm idea whether or not we'll be seeing Elliot playing anytime soon. Or not. It's really 5o/50 at this point.

#27

Los Angeles Chargers (2-4)

Season Point Differential: -15

Thanks to a botched PAT attempt on behalf of the Raiders, the L.A. Chargers managed to muster a 17-16 last-second win against Oakland Sunday. Philip Rivers went 25 for 36 in the win, finishing the game with 268 yards and one TD strike. Running back Melvin Gordon also played quite well, racking up 83 yards and one TD running the ball and another 67 yards (plus another touchdown) as a receiver.

#28

Chicago Bears (2-4)

Season Point Differential: -43

The Bears got their second win of the year via a 27-24 overtime victory against the Ravens. Mitch "The Bitch" Trubisky went 8 for 16 for 113 yards and one TD pass, while Jordan Howard racked up 167 yards on 36 carries. And, uh, because I can't think of anything really noteworthy to say about the rest of the team's performance, how about we check out Adrian Amos' 90-yard interception return again?

#29

Indianapolis Colts (2-4)

Season Point Differential: -76

The Luck-less Colts stumbled again Monday night, dropping an AFC South tilt against the Titans 36-22. Jacoby "Whisker Biscuit" Brissett finished the game 21 for 37 for 212 yards and one TD, while Frank Gore ran for an underwhelming 49 yards on ten carries, with zero end zone visitations. But on the plus side, at least the O-line held up pretty well - not only did they prevent Brissett from getting sacked once, they only let Titans' defenders hit him after the pass four times ... which, I know, does't sound all that great, but considering what defenses earlier in the season have done to the poor chap, it's basically a minor miracle. 

#30

New York Giants (1-5)

Season Point Differential: -27

The Giants, amazingly, managed to avoid an 0-6 start by beating the Broncos in Denver 23-10 in a prime time clash that had their foes listed as 13.5-point favorites. Eli Manning's 128-yard passing day wasn't much of a factor, but the G-Men's rushing attack was (probably) the difference maker. At the final horn, the Broncos only had 46 yards on the ground, while New York nearly tripled their rushing production with 148 yards, with top back Orleans Darkwa recording 117 on 21 carries.

#31

San Francisco 49ers (0-6)

Season Point Differential: -33

It's kinda' ironic that the name of San Fran's QB is C.J. Beathard, because over the weekend, the team got beat hard by the Redskins in a 26-24 slugfest. Despite the guy who isn't Colin Kaepernick having a mostly ho-hum day with 245 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio, at least long-time 49ers back Carlos Hyde looked pretty decent, registering two touchdowns and 28 yards on just 13 carries.

#32

Cleveland Browns (0-6)

Season Point Differential: -63

Yep, the Browns are still sans a victory following their 33-17 loss to the Texans. Quarterback Kevin Hogan went 20 for 37 for 140 yards, racking up one TD but lobbing three costly interceptions, while Cleveland's rushing attack - despite picking 134 yards of offense - couldn't convert any of 'em into points on the board. If the team comes up short against Tennessee this weekend, you have to expect some firings to go down. Which, in this case, begs the question: do NFL bylaws allow executives to fire an entire team at one time?

Read More

The Women's March Protests Are Totally Pointless

What "rights" are all you broads fighting for, anyway?

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo___X

Well, I figured I'd have to say something about all of this "Women's March" stuff eventually, so I'll hurry up, say my piece and leave all ya'll be.

To begin, let's go back to the Civil Rights Movement. Or, even more fitting, the Suffragette Movement. Alright gals, think very, VERY carefully here: what made those protests different from the ones you're doing today? 

Simply put: they were actually fighting for something concrete. The Suffragette Movement wasn't about fighting sexism or the patriarchy, it was a social movement to obtain a specific legal right - that being, the right to vote (although it is strange how history has seemed to have forgotten just how closely tied the Suffragette Movement was to the Temperance Movement, but hey, I'll let you do your own research there.) Same thing with the Civil Rights Movement. They weren't marching against racial discrimination, they were LITERALLY marching to overturn discriminatory legislation; the Civil Rights Act of 1964 didn't make racism illegal, but it did make a shit ton of Jim Crow laws - which formerly barred blacks from frequenting certain public facilities and even schools - illegal. 

Now, I want you to pay REAL close attention, girls. In one sentence, what concrete legal rights are all these marches you've been doing intended to obtain? What specific law - if any - are these marches meant to overturn, overrule or outright outlaw? 

Well, I hate to break it to you, husband-less cat-owners of America, but assembling by the hundreds of thousands to hold up signs reading "you can't comb over racism, homophobia, sexism, rape, Islamiphobia [sic]" doesn't actually constitute a concrete legislative demand. Unless, of course, the whole point of these marches is to drum up support for legislation that would make racism, homophobia, sexism and Islamiphobia [sic] illegal, at which point YOU would be the ones raping the United States Constitution. 

From what I've seen thus far, here's what I suspect the women's marchers might be trying to say:

• Abortions are great, especially when they're free
• Donald Trump is a big fat stupid doo-doo head
• Smash the patriarchy so we can close the wage gap for good
• Wah wah wah, Hillary didn't win and I don't know how else to react to not getting my way for the first time in my life

How women march for freedom vs. how men march for freedom.

Well, last time I checked, abortion is still perfectly legal and Roe v. Wade remains the law of the land. Granted, there's a pretty strong chance the Trump Administration could (and most likely will at least try) to cut funding to Planned Parenthood, but even if Congress DID manage to pass a bill saying no more federal moolah for P.P. - it STILL doesn't ACTUALLY outlaw abortion. Same thing if the Trump Administration tries (and it wouldn't surprise me if they did) to suspend any and all Medicaid funding for abortions. 

Roe v. Wade is still intact, skirts. The only difference is, instead of having taxpayers in Nebraska and Wisconsin unknowingly foot the bill for your latest de-fetusing, now you've gotta' pay for that shit on your own dime. You're not losing any Supreme Court bestowed rights, girls ... you're just liable to lose an entitlement (that being, publicly subsidized abortions) you're not legally or constitutionally obligated to receive in the first place. IF Trump and pals were trying to actively ram a bill through the House that outright banned abortions, you MIGHT have an argument. Unfortunately, "make other people pony up to have this thing scraped and vacuumed out of me" ISN'T a legally codified right anywhere, no matter how badly you wish it was.

The second bullet point is an even stupider aggrievement. Alright, so you don't like Trump. You think he's a sexist pig who might be a legitimate rapist, even though he's never been arrested for it (and certainly never charged with it, and doubly certainly never been convicted of it) and none of his alleged "victims" have ever come forward with concrete, tangible proof that he victimized them. Sorry, broads, but "I think he's an asshole" isn't a legitimate reason to remove him from office. To do that, he's actually gotta' do something that violates his oath as president, like, I don't know, lie before Congress about getting his dick sucked. Furthermore, what executive order has he signed thus far that literally deprives you of one legal right (sorry, but that's not the same thing as entitlement) you had Nov. 8, 2016? That's right, none, zip, nada. You're just as Constitutionally free as you were three months ago, and the fact that hundreds of thousands of you can assemble in the streets to yell "fuck you Orange Hitler" for six hours straight without having a tank run you over more than proves it. 

The third one is so stupid, I don't even know where to begin. First off, the patriarchy isn't real. It doesn't have a physical address, it doesn't have a newsletter and it doesn't have a secret handshake. I've had a penis for more than 30 years, and I've yet to be invited into this inner sanctum of domineering white men, whose sole purpose is to conspire and conjure up plans to suppress women and minorities. Furthermore, if the patriarchy is indeed real, how do you explain the fact that men make up a majority of the nation's homeless and almost ALL of the nation's incarcerated population? Why do women - across the board - receive lighter sentences than men for the exact same crimes? Why do women win primary custody of children in anywhere from 66 to 88 percent of all divorce hearings? Why do women earn a majority of the nation's advanced degrees and why do women own a majority of the nation's wealth? And for God's sake, why do men - regardless of race or ethnicity - tend to die almost five years younger than those with XX-chromosomes? 

Then there's the inevitable complaint about the so-called "wage gap." Remember the Equal Rights Amendment they tried passing back in the '70s? Well, it was shot down for a reason - it would royally fuck up the economy. Same job, same gender, same pay - sounds good, right? Yeah, until you realize it means a first year substitute music teacher would be guaranteed the same pay that a physics teacher with a Ph. D. and 30 years of experience makes. Would a female office manager who oversees 10 people be entitled to the same pay as a male district manager who oversees 10 offices? Would hospitals be forced to pay a part-time female ENT doctor the same wage as a full-time male brain surgeon? Aye, now you see why it never got off the ground. 

...in hindsight, was it really that wise of an idea to let them vote?

Oh, and that whole "77 cents for every dollar a man makes" chestnut? A buncha' bullshit made up by the AAUW to cajole weak-kneed department chairs into giving them tenure. And if you need further proof that the wage gap is a bunch of hooey, here's a couple of articles debunking it for you to read on your own time from such festering misogynistic shitholes as Fortune, The Wall Street Journal, Time and Forbes.

And the fourth bullet point is the way that perplexes me the most. Not unlike the Black Lives Matter fad from last year, this whole Women's March movement (although, really, it's more of a hashtag than anything else) isn't actually outlining a workable set of policy reform ideas, but rather, just providing a brand name for a disparate group of anger-fueled individuals to loudly display their moralistic outrage over intangible concepts as some sort of pop cultural hobby. Uh, how exactly does holding up signs wishing literally half the population death achieve a policy goal again? It literally doesn't do anything to get you any closer to legislative reform, but it DOES give you something to retweet and post on Instagram. And in today's virtue signalling driven social media-scape, the endgame is never action, but always sycophantic affirmation.

And does anybody else find it just a little crazy that seemingly NONE of these hos seem to be pushing for the elimination of the electoral college - you know, the one LEGITIMATE social reform movement aggrieved Hillary voters could've chosen as their pet project in the wake of Trump's election? 

Then again, drumming up support for changing the Constitution takes - what's that word again? Oh yeah, effort. Why attempt to change the legal mechanism that LITERALLY cost Hillary the election if it means having to do actual work when it's far easier to just put on a Meg Griffin cap and say the word "pussy" a lot instead? 

Speaking of "pussy," isn't it just a little hypocritical for all of these Women's Marchers to run around wearing vagina masks and dressing up like golden-showering promising penises as a statement about how incensed and offended they were the President said he could grab women by the cooters 12 years ago? Bitches, please. For once, try to think like a normal, God-fearing Middle American. Even if you are rightly offended by Trump's alleged pussy-grabbing, is bragging about copping feels in a private discussion really more stomach churning than forcing an elementary schooler to walk around wearing a sign that says "this pussy bites back?" Dudettes, I'm sorry, but I'm honestly MUCH more disturbed that somebody would not only refer to their own primary school aged daughter as a crude sexual euphemism, but proudly parade her about in public as a political tool than I am any of The Donald's purported crotch grabbings. 

Feminists, seen here displaying why none of their candidates will ever win anything again.

Say what you will about the Tea Party dingbats - and yeah, it's probably valid - but at least those Obama hating crypto-racists had actual goals in mind. They wanted three concrete things: less taxes, less federal debt and no Obamacare. Those aren't invisible social constructs like "sexism" or "misogyny." They are actual pieces of public policy that can be changed over and over again. 

So, again, Women Marchers, I have to ask: what legal right that you do not have that men do ARE you fighting for? What specific federal law are you trying to get rid of or substantially alter? Which federal laws are you trying to bring to fruition? 

That's the problem with you dames. You honestly have no clue what you're marching for, you're just pissed your candidate didn't win and you have no idea how to handle electoral defeat. 

And you know what the really ironic thing about this is? Gals, this is PRECISELY the reason you lost the election in the first place. You're literally parading about your schismatic identity politics before everybody in America, in an attempt to divide instead of unite. You ovulators totally forgot that it was Donald Trump who managed to win over what could've been Hillary Clinton supporters instead of the other way around. Sure, 750,000 women in the L.A. area may have attended one of your rallies, but you completely forget that another 5.5 million women in that very M.S.A. stayed at home. A good 42 percent of ALL WOMEN in the U.S. voted for Donald Trump, and instead of doing something constructive to win them over to your side, you've doubled down on trying to ostracize, alienate, ridicule and demonize them (i.e., the pro-life women's groups that were disinvited from the "festivities" in D.C.)

Although politics tends to make people pretty damn oblivious to the real world and trifles like logic and common sense, there are some things that even the staunchest of partisans has to shake his or her head at - even when it's being perpetrated by people on "their side." And really, these women's protests - perhaps the first protests in history without anything corporeal actually being protested - are doing a remarkable job of driving middle of the road Democrats over to the G.O.P (hey, they don't call it the "red pill" for nothing.)

For starters, it's hard to not pick up on the brazen hypocrisy of the "movement" (which, to be perfectly honest, is much more of the bowel variety than the civil rights arrangement.) OK, so these twats are furious that women's rights in these United States are somehow being eroded, but when it comes the subject of maltreatment of women in the ultimate patriarchal culture (HINT: it rhymes with "Islam"), they're not doing (or even saying) a damn thing. Why? Because doing so would violate the feminists' intersectionalist Axis Powers compact with the Muslims,who they need as electoral backup against the Republicans. That one of the key organizers of the "movement" is a woman who went on live TV and said Muslim children were being executed en masse in the U.S. before complaining about 22 states trying to pass anti-Sharia law legislation just makes it all the more cringe-tastic.

But the Patriarchy is totally OK if everybody worships Allah, you guys!

But ultimately, the thing that's going to sink the Women's March hashtag/wannabe political phenomenon is the same fundamental flaw of the Black Lives Matter movement (and how weird is it that we haven't heard shit from them since Trump got elected?) Instead of marching for real empowerment, these skanks and scags and senior citizens are literally broadcasting their self-victimization to the whole world. Instead of positing themselves as principled, determined individuals courageously fighting an uphill battle for what's rightly theirs - i.e., that shit Malcolm X and MLK and Susan B. Anthony did - these womenfolks keep trying to drudge up new ways they're being oppressed and marginalized. Pulling a page out of the LGBT handbook, their strategy is to appear as beat up and de-powered as possible, with the endgame of weaponizing the pitiable charity anybody stupid enough to fall for the ruse showers upon them.

Unfortunately, menstruaters, Americans aren't the kind of peoples who celebrate pity, and we especially don't celebrate people who are clearly the beneficiaries of untold riches and privileges (like, I don't know, not having to go to war and shit) PRETENDING to be persecuted. Take a look at pretty much any gallery of Women's March protesters and you can see for yourself that practically none of them are hurting economically. And if they truly are being tyrannized, it's the first fascistic regime in history where the state sponsored subjugation comes with Starbucks and ample opportunities for selfies.

The alt-left doesn't have the foggiest notion of what Middle Americans stand for - as evident by the fact Democratic Senators are now having to take courses to learn how to have conversations with people who shop at Walmart. One look at the 2016 electoral map lets you know that those who think more like Trump than Clinton are more widely dispersed throughout the country, and if there is ONE thing the outcome of last year's general election demonstrated, it's that Red State America does not appreciate those who make virtue out of their weaknesses. 

And ultimately, what are these Women's March protests but people parading about their self-vaunted vulnerabilities and insecurities in a desperate scramble for sympathy?

That's the problem with your mighty union of hussies, floozies and trollops right there. You can aim for respect or you can aim for pity, but you can never be pitied and respected at the same time.

And trust me, all these demonstrations - the glorified penis envy festivals and traveling showcases of mental illness worship they are -  ain't doing a damn thing to earn you EITHER the admiration or sorrow of real Americans.

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What If They Threw A Race War and Nobody Showed Up?

I went to a neoconfederate rally expecting a whites-against-blacks donnybrook. Instead, I walked away with conclusive proof that in the Deep South, globalization has indeed triumphed over regionalism. 

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo__X

Although I've spent my entire life in the metro Atlanta area, I didn't visit Stone Mountain, Georgia, until a few days ago.

Stone Mountain is exactly what the name implies - a gigantic rock, encircled by a sprawling state park that's one part Yellowstone (hiking trails, lakes, plenty of sightseeing spots) and one part Six Flags (rickety rides, overpriced tchotchkes and an overabundance of kitsch.) Alas, a lot of folks aren't too happy that the park -- long purported to be the birthplace of the modern incarnation of the Ku Klux Klan -- still displays some confederate imagery, most notably in the form of three "iconic" C.S.A. leaders chiseled on the side of the eponymous Stone Mountain itself. 

Following the horrific Charleston, South Carolina church shooting last summer, a proposal floated up to erect a monument to Atlantan Martin Luther King, Jr., at the top of the formation - you know, to balance out the equation and all. This proposal really didn't sit well with some neoconfederate types, who were so miffed over the idea of an MLK tribute crowning the park that they decided to protest on Nov. 14. 

An earlier demonstration against removing the Confederate flag from the park drew a pretty big crowd last summer. The Southern Poverty Law Center quickly sent out a press release stating that members of the KKK planned on meeting at the park in mid-November and representatives of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People said they were going to show up en masse to counter protest, pending the Klan decided to rear their sheet-covered heads.

So when the date rolled around, of course I showed up. Angry white folks, angry black folks, and arguably the most contentious topic in all of American politics, coming to a boil atop a 800-foot-tall granite slab? How could I not be around to Periscope that?

Unfortunately, even though I paid my $15 entry fee for Civil Slam 2015, nothing too tumultuous transpired. In fact, despite looking high and low for ANY signs of KKK members or Neo-Nazis or Black Panthers, the best I could muster was ONE unoccupied pick-up truck with two "rebel flags" hanging off the back of it. Oh, and a Toyota with mini "Stars and Bars" on both rear side mirrors circled the lot once, and left. 

Granted, there was a protest that evening - a gaggle of Confederate flag fans actually marched up the mountain and posed for a few photos, but nothing really happened (this, even though the demonstrators were escorted by a gaggle of assault rifle-toting militia members.) The Klan never showed up as advertised, and neither did the counter-protesters. 

In hindsight, the symbolism is so blunt, it's almost farcical. In a sea of happy, cheery visitors - of all walks of life, of every race, color and creed you can think of - I was direly in search of the last vestiges of white nationalism. Despite looking under every rock, checking in every trashcan and poking the bushes just to make sure, the ghastly, unrepentant, racist "rednecks" never emerged. 

If there was ever an indication that modernity had conquered southern regionalism, the fact that one can learn about Reconstruction in Japanese is probably it.

So for two hours, I just milled about the Stone Mountain hinterlands, pacing back and forth between the seasonal Santa's village (complete with the tackiest garland displays you've ever seen and literally TONS of artificial snow melting in the nigh 70-degree weather) and the gift shop, which was connected to one of those cable car sky trolleys that looks about as safe as a suspension bridge made out of popsicle sticks and bubblegum. 

Now, the term "multicultural" gets tossed around a lot these days, but this place was multicultural. There were African-Americans and Asians and those of Middle Eastern descent. There were Hispanics and people speaking in Slavic tongues. The only English-speaking white people I saw were suburban types - your bicyclists and your hippie-dippy naturists - who looked more at home at Whole Foods than a Klan rally. I can't imagine that many of the park visitors that afternoon even knew a neoconfederate protest was going on at all; and even if they were, they were just too busy standing in queues and jabbing their credit cards into pay terminals and trying to hush up their kids, endlessly clamoring for overpriced souvenirs and six dollar bottles of Coca Cola, to care.

I didn't see any rebel flags once I got inside the park. In fact, I didn't really see a whole lot of references to the Civil War or the Confederate States of America at all. Sure, there is a golf course on the premises dedicated to Stonewall Jackson, but even when directly touching upon Southern history, the park does so through this modernist, careful-not-to-offend lens. It's obvious that, if they could, the operators of the park would just get rid of all of the historical hullaballoo altogether and turn it into Dollywood Lite, with log flumes and teenagers ambling around in furry mascot costumes. 

I struggled to find any real historical information inside the park. Sure, there were a few plaques here and there, but if you wanted info on who the dudes engraved on the side of the mountain actually were, you were out of luck. There is indeed something onsite called "The Confederate Hall Historical & Environmental Education Center," but most of the floor space is dedicated to the geology of Stone Mountain and not its role in the Civil War. There was an audio kiosk next to the museum, though, and wouldn't you know it, it came equipped with no less than five different language options. If there was ever an indication that modernity had conquered southern regionalism, the fact that one can learn about Reconstruction in Japanese is probably it.

It's a strong term, to be sure, but I think it is hard to deny that the operators of the park haven't whitewashed Confederate history from the grounds. Granted, it's hard to cover up that gigantic engraving of Jefferson Davis (which some folks do indeed want sandblasted off the quartz monzonite dome), but the park is clearly going out of its way to distance itself from the bad old days of Dixie ... and with it, a good chunk of contemporary rural culture.

The South gets a bad rap for its contentious race relations, but the fact of the matter is that the South is - and has been for the better part of 100 years - the only part of the country where blacks and whites ACTUALLY co-exist as equals. Yeah, yeah, we all recall Selma and the Montgomery boycotts and Emmett Till (most notable to today's generation, I reckon, because of a Lil' Wayne song), but frankly, it's not like race relations were that much better in the liberal, industrialized north (in fact, Malcolm X himself said the blacks in the South during the civil rights era had it much better off than those living above and beside the Mason-Dixon line.) The South has far and away the highest rates of interracial marriage in the nation and southern metropolises like Atlanta and Memphis are pretty much the only major cities in the nation with an all-black political power structure. The eleven states with the highest per capita black populations are all in former Confederate territory (whereas the absolute whitest states are all in the hyper-progressive New England region.) Even going back to late 1800s, blacks in the south had risen to middle-class - and some might even say elitist - socioeconomic status. Contrary to popular belief, Martin Luther King, Jr. came from a family that, even by today's standards, would have to be considered fairly affluent, if not outright "privileged," in terms of sheer financial qualifiers. Nor does anyone even MULL the possibility that all that racial tension in the south from Reconstruction on has less to do with whites just being racist, heartless devils then it does northern interlopers taking over the decimated countryside and foisting industrialization upon an agrarian culture and forcing white and black labor to compete against each other for jobs and housing. Nothing can justify the Klan and their horrid terroristic activity, but at the the same time, it's downright irresponsible to simply gloss over the federal government's hand in promoting racial tensions in the region, be it in the form of subsidies that benefited former slaves but not the Caucasian refugees of the Civil War to the wide-scale social engineering programs of the F.D.R. years that literally jambanja'd poor subsistence farmers from their property to make way for urbanization initiatives. (So TL;DR - racism in the south is a lot more complex than what you've been told and it's certainly no worse a problem than it is anywhere else in the country.) 

If this doesn't offend you, it's 100 percent proven by science that you are a racist. 

Stone Mountain may technically be a tribute to the Confederacy, but really, it's a monument to the South's former cultural isolation. It was, until recently, considered something of a sacred, unsullied ground for the blue-collar, beer-sipping, CAT-hat set - the calloused factory worker and mechanic that viewed the morally lawless Burt Reynolds as something of a redneck John Galt. (And before you write off his oeuvre as a catalog of white power odes, you might actually want to go back and watch stuff like Gator and White Lightning, in which the great 'stached one fights corrupt - and by golly, racist - police officers in Confederate flag country.) The appeal of Stone Mountain - for years and years, home to an Independence Day laser show that's basically the Deep South equivalent of Rockettes performance in the Big Apple - is that it gives the pre-globalized Southern soul a taste of what life was like before the region became a pell-mell consumerism uber alles corporate fiefdom like everywhere else in the America. 

In a lot of ways, I think the neoconfederate/Southern nationalist movement is nothing more than an anti-globalism offshoot with a harder to understand accent. I am sure there are plenty of members of the Confederate flag fan club who are unrepentant bigots and race-baiters, but to say that these lower-to-working-class schlubs have any sort of legitimate social power anymore is absurd. Strangely similar to the Black Lives Matter crowd, they represent an aggrieved social order (which is ultimately tied more to location-based socioeconomic similarities than a common skin color) which feels marginalized, misunderstood and perpetually maligned. Having lost their jobs to NAFTA and the WTO and their regional identity thanks to an influx of neo-carpetbaggers (who have made Georgia the "best" state in the nation to do business, despite posting the nation's highest percentage of unemployed workers), these people literally do not have a future. This is not hyperbole: the lower-class, non-college-educated Caucasian American workforce is LITERALLY in the process of going extinct, as confirmed by a goddamn Nobel Prize-winning economist.

The reality here? Despite having a shitty past, Blacks, Hispanics and especially Asians have a bright future ahead of them in these United States. Meanwhile, for MOST regional white folks, the future is indelibly going to be a potpourri of misery and woe. Facing an economic cataclysm that more or less amounts to financial genocide, all these people have to hold on to is their past - their own distinct culture, their own distinct rituals, their own distinct language. And now, the entire planet is ganging up on them, telling them that their fathers, grandfathers and great-grandfathers were all pathetic racists and despicable hate crime perpetrators, and they ought to be ashamed of anything that happened in their native lands prior to 1998. 

A symbol can mean anything, but in the eyes of MOST Confederate flag flyers, I'd surmise that the emblem actually does represent not hate, but love. It's a love of their own patois, their own folk tales, their own fusion of Celtic-Anglican tradition, tempered with quite a bit of French, Mexican and Native American influences. It's a love of growing their own gardens and hunting in the woods and listening to Hank Williams, Jr. and watching NASCAR and hugging granny on Christmas and going to pro 'rasslin shows and being at church every Sunday morning even though you spent the Saturday night before chugging moonshine - absolutely none of which revolve around burning crosses or blowing up Black Protestant houses of worship. But more than anything, it's a pseudo-jihadist love of their OWN culture, unmolested by the far-reaching hands of both federal government and international business. 

There may have been a couple of guys with scraggly bears and half-rotten molars waving Confederate flags and lugging AR-15s up Stone Mountain, but so what? All you have to do is journey five minutes outside of Stone Mountain and you'll run smack dab into Buford Highway, a long stretch of commercial real estate where one can literally drive for miles without seeing a single sign in English. From the clogged roadways of Gwinnett County, Stone Mountain is but just a pebble on the horizon. You might be able to make it out on a clear day, while you are patronizing the Global Mall (yes, that's actually what it's called) and buying up Halel meat, overpriced Indian rugs, greasy Vietnamese cuisine and consulting an abogado immigracion. Even hurdling down Interstate 85 just outside of the park, one is bombarded not by regional iconography - mom and pop shops and independent BBQ chains and the like - but towering skyscrapers for multinationals and billboards hawking everything from apple-flavored Budweiser to German luxury town-cars that were actually assembled in Mexico.

That's the new Southland, my friends. Criticize the ghosts of the past all you want, the old regional cotton belt way of life isn't just on life support, it may already be in the early stages of rigor mortis. There's a handful of reactionaries causing a stir, but whatever actions they take is akin to tossing a brick into the ocean. 

Globalization and multiculturalism won, Southern identitarianism and monoculturalism lost. 

And now? The only thing left to do is spend the rest of our lives arguing whether that's the best - or worst - thing that's ever happened to Dixie. 

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